Caption This!

What Use Is a Banana Without a Condom?

2012-01-28T16:16:00.001-05:00

Racerboy and later Sonic Frog

The Cure for Heterosexuality

2012-01-28T06:22:00.010-05:00

1. The only legitimate caption for this is "Oh, Good Gracious Merciful God, No!"

2. Barney Frank prepares for his nuptials.

3. After finding this image, Andrew Sullivan stopped doing Google searches entirely.

4. Didn't you used to hate it when you brought friends over and your mom would openly flirt with them?

5. "She's supporting Gingrich." - The Romney Super-PAC reaches a new low in attack advertising.

Does This Even Need a Caption?

2012-01-27T12:38:00.003-05:00

SCOAMF Bitch-Slapped

2012-01-27T09:48:00.008-05:00

1. "You wanna go, skinny? I will drop you like Barney Frank's pants in a Fire Island men's room."

2. Governor Brewer gives the American Sign Language gesture for 'Stuttering Clusterfark of a Miserable Failure.'"

3. "One more word out of you, young man, and I'll take your fake birth certificate and shove it so far up your smug skinny ass that you choke on it, you Kenyan Marxist bastard."

4. Most Americans were shocked.... SHOCKED... that Governor Brewer would use the wrong finger in expressing her opinion to the president.

5. "You know, Hussein, I really don't have time for this sh-t. You hit the golf course, some of us have work to do."

Mr and Mr Barney Fag

2012-01-27T08:18:00.003-05:00

Real News: Mincing Pederast Barney Frank announced this week that he is marrying some dude. 

1. "We met while lurking in the bushes at the same elementary school."

2."Excuse us, we'll be in the bat cave for the next three minutes. Wait, that's not the stinger any more? Oh, never mind then."

3. "No, you opwessive theocwatic pwude. We will not pull our pants up!"

4. "Where's the dog," wondered Rick Santorum. "Oh, wait, there in the background. I see it."

5. "By the way, have you heard about Ron Paul?"

Doesn't She Have a Nice Rack?

2012-01-26T09:49:00.016-05:00

The Brigade

Perspective

2012-01-25T23:08:00.003-05:00

Random Brigade Filler

2012-01-25T02:30:00.011-05:00

1. Lindsey Lohan violates her probation again.

2. "All right, good test run. Now, let's run over some OWS hippies."

3. Ah, finally a vehicle suitable to the rigors of commuting in Detroit, Oakland, or Baltimore.

4. "Oh, Toonces, you incorrigible feline!"

5. The Most Interesting Man in the World Says, "I don't often commit DUI's, but when I do, I use an armored personnel carrier."

And Now, Chris Matthews with a Special Commentary on Obama's SOTU Address

2012-01-25T00:23:00.000-05:00

Care to Explain This?

2012-01-24T10:32:00.018-05:00

Schneider

1. "Eek! A Republican! Save me, Bruce!"

2. "So, what do you say, Congressman Frank? Can we get a mortgage or not?"

3. 49'ers Cheerleaders relax after the end of a long season.

4. "Hey, Michael Phelps, don't bogart that sh-t!"

5. "Ewww! No! Don't put me down! My skin will get all wrinkly."

Best of jj
Prospective freshmen for Penn State do a little....um... relaxing around Jerry's pool.

Best of Whacko
"Hey everyone! Let's all go shopping in my new Prius."

Best of BananaRepublican
Army of Mom's pool parties are never boring.

Best of Army of Mom
Oddly enough, I'd like to have that guy on my back, too.

Best of Dactyl
He may not look like much but he'll make point-five past light speed.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Well, he is a bit heavy", replied Bruce, "But the little black kid they gave me was a girl, ewww!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ted dared the lifeguard who was yelling "No Food In The Pool!!" to confiscate the other half of his Subway sandwich.

Best of Passionate Conservative
'ow to speak Oztralian: "Queah"

ORA Best of Kaptain Krude
"I'm confused, I thought you said I could help you and your Uncle Jack off his horse?"

Best of Submariner
ORA: I, I think it's a, a, Baby Ruth...

Best of prince of leaves
It was all fun and games until the WASP-only pool association discovered Jerry was Jewish.

Priuses Now 40% Gheyer

2012-01-24T05:54:00.001-05:00

Sondra K

Best of Army of Dad
ORA: Ace and Gary get a new ride when SNL brings back the Ambiguously Gay Duo.

Best of Rodney Dill
Natural predator to the Volvo

Best of curly
“With interior front and side airbags and an external teabag in the back, the new 2012 Prius is the safest hybrid on the market.”

Best of Rodney Dill
..and this little baby only takes 10,000 D-Cells.

Best of Steve O
It's a battery operated device. We get it. It's for women and gay men. Yes, we know.
Remember when advertising was more subtle?

Best of Dactyl
She may not look like much but she'll make point-five past light speed.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
MotorTrend magazine nicknamed it "The Boner"

Best of Passionate Conservative
Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven! Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh. It was like a bird of rarest-spun heaven metal or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now. As I slooshied, I knew such lovely pictures!

Best of Matt the K
What hump???

Best of Matt the K
In and ill-advised move, Toyota Motors partners with Ford to market the Prius Probe?

Best of Spin
Enzyte™ finally buys Bob a company car.

Best of Submariner
Nothin' ta be seein' here; jist a Folsom Street Fair Float. Please ta me movin' along, now...

Press Button to Start Air Flow

2012-01-23T22:40:00.013-05:00

Schneider

1. 'Ow to speak Orstralian: "Wind Instrument."

2."Just a little more, just get your heads right up inside there and you'll be ready to re-elect Obama."

3. "And when you finish with this auto-cunnilingus course, you will never need a man again."

4. Michael Chiklis had a sexual addiction every bit as bad as Charlie Sheen's but nobody cared.

5. "OK, well, that should wrap up remedial Muslim prayer class for this week."

Best of Army of Dad
With their TSA rub down screening finished the ladies get ready to fit themselves into the new coach class.

Best of Army of Dad
Taking a cue from the dog training world, the catholic church tries rubbing their noses in it to stop masturbation.

Best of curly
French Special Forces women learn the proper way to surrender.

Best of rodney dill
"...and you can put your research papers where the sun don't ever shine."

Best of Capt. Queeg
Butt Closures. UR DOIN IT WRONG.

Best of jj
Rescued former obama supporters are taught the proper way to remove their heads from their asses.

Best of Steve O
Something tells me you can stay after PE class for extra credit

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Famed Wilderness Expert Sam Dinsmore teaches a group of young Liberal Arts majors how to survive a bear attack: Okay, class... now the trick is to roll up in a tight ball and let me, um, the bear fondle and caress your hiney without farting.

Best of Submariner
State Department Intern Training prided itself on its 73% voluntary dropout rate...

A Metaphor for the GOP Establishment and Newt.

2012-01-23T02:34:00.009-05:00

From Al

And here's another metaphor for the GOP Establishment responding to Newt's win. (Language warnin') (Nice little cameo by Newt at the end).(Oh, wait, I can embed that below the break.I'll do that, too.)

Anybody got any good pictures of Bammy, Mittens, Newt, RuPaul, Debbie Gynecological-Procedure, or some other idiot politician? I got nothin' E-mail meh... or I'll post picture of scantily clad women with slight belly rolls.

Best of Jack Reacher
I see the guys in the ABC van couldn't resist another "open marriage" question.

Best of curly
“Who you callin’ angry black woman, bitch?”

Best of Submariner
NEVER.GET.BETWEEN.MICHAEL.MOORE.AND.THE.BUFFET.TABLE...

Best of JohnS1959
I bet that is the last time Mitt calls Newt a RINO...

Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: Uh-oh, looks like Stampy has been let out of the refuge.

Best of Rodney Dill
Mourning Joe Paterno's passing took various forms.

Legalize Santorum

2012-01-22T22:15:00.002-05:00

Spot the Ron Paul Supporter, easiest round evah!

I Dunno What to Do with This...

2012-01-21T22:45:00.004-05:00

But he really looks like raw ass, doesn't he?

Sondra K

Best of Passionate Conservative
Somewhere, in a closet in a secure location, a portrait of a man degenerates and ages...

Best of prince of leaves
August 23, 2088: "And so, with the Surgeon General having exhausted the last antigeria options for prolonging my lifetime presidency, I have nobly decided to spare you all the pain and emptiness of struggling on without me by activating the molecular disruptor device I've had buried deep within the Earth's core..."

Best of jj
"Get that imperialistic symbol of oppression out from behind me and put my halo back....or someone will find out what FEMA can really do!"

Best of GregMan
Man, Obambi sure looks like a spook... I mean ghost! Ghost!

Rework of GregMan
Man, Apophos sure doesn't look good...

Best of Justin Credible
Makes me think he found Boehner's bottle of tan goop.

Best of Dr. Doom
Boy all of that golf and vacationing really takes its toll on a guy doesn't it?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Obamalama Fogbubble: Man, am I baked.

Best of Capt. Queeg
COLORFUL MEALS BEGIN WITH BEN™

Best of Rodney Dill
The cake is lie

Wholesome Outdoor Fun Stuff, Yea!

2012-01-21T05:01:00.002-05:00

Brender

1. The kids from the School for the Deaf were having a great time and never even heard the snowplow that ended their lives.

2. Rick's levitation powers were absitively no use in a snowball fight, but he liked to show off anyway.

3. Guy on the left, "Look at me, I'm the ghey kitteh from Tuesday! 'Fame! I'm gonna live forev-uh!'"

4. "You know, we could play a great game of street hockey now... if we all weren't gay."

5. "Chuck, please... it's two in the morning and we're freezing our balls off. Can we practice the choreography from West Side Story some other time?"

Best of sonicfrog
You know, there was a time when feuds meant something - Hatfeilds versus McCoys, Montagues and Capulets, Raiders versus Chargers fans... But man, the Hanson versus Jonas Brothers tiff just leaves so much to be desired!

Threadwinner: Jack Reacher
"Yes you're a Jet, Steve, but you're not a Jet all the way."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Photo taken moments before the illegal street racers plowed through the merry band at 153mph. Witnesses said the carnage reminded them of a game of Elf Bowling. [how many remember the headless elf @ 2m12s?]

Best of jj
Montreal Police were beginning to be concerned about the newest outlaw bike club, the "Heavens Kittens". Until they realized that they didn't have colors....or even motorcycles...

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Playing outside; that's what we would've had to do with our spare time if SOPA had been passed!

Best of curly
Helium Boy appears from nowhere to brake up a snowball fight.

Best of curly
Johnny didn’t really mind his schizophrenia so much, but he did wish his apparition was more manly.

Best of Rodney Dill
There can be only one.

Peek A Boo

2012-01-20T10:25:00.000-05:00

Shayne

1. George couldn't believe the Co-Op Board had let *another* giraffe move into the building. "This f--king place is going to hell," he muttered.

2. Suddenly, all the acacia leaves and Pabst Blue Ribbon bottles littering the hallway made sense. Hipster Giraffe's were moving into the building.

3. There was enough left in the Toys R Us trust fund to assure Geoffrey a midtown loft and plenty of cocaine and whores.

4. As trendy man-on-beast combinations grew ever more exotic, America was forced to concede that Rick Santorum had been right all along.

5. All George knew was, the next day, the giraffe was gone, and the "Moo Shu Pork" at Great Wall tasted a little gamey for the next month.

SCOAMF in Wonderland

2012-01-20T08:08:00.001-05:00

Weasel Zips via Al 

1. "I think you will all... um... agree that the new... um... White House... is more ... um... suitable to... um... Me and Queen M'Chel."

2. "Every Queen needs a castle... I mean king... king! I'm not gay!"

3. The SCOAMF laments the jobs lost to animatronic robots in the Hall of Presidents.

4. M-I-C... See you in the unemployment line... K-E-Y... Why? Because the media told us we were racists if we didn't vote for the dumbass... S-C-O-A-M-F.

5. It was a busy day for the president, bowing to Prince Charming, bowing to Princess Ariel, bowing to the Wicked Queen from Snow White, bowing to Mufasa, bowing to Jafar...

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"wait, wait - I thought I was to Occupy a Fairy's Tail, not a Fairy Tale.....

Best of Censors Hip
"Mr President, where are are the little people who saved for years & years to visit Disneyland today?"
"Who cares!"

Best of JohnS1959
Announcer: "Mr. Obama, you have just ruined the economy. What will you do next?"
President: "I'm going to Disney World!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Agent Harris, shoot that damned rat scurrying across my podium again! Kill it NOW!
That was Mickey? Ooops, sorry kids.
You can pardon yourself later.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Uh.... Mr. President. Michelle's butt got stuck in a teacup again."

Best of BananaRepublican
When you wish upon a Czar...

Best of Jack Reacher
"In exchange for giving them Disney World, the Taliban have agreed to make the first Wednesday of each month uncovered-wrist day for women. Ah, that is, in the women's side of the park."

Best of curly
Teleprompter Teleprompter on the mall
Who’s the biggest commie of them all?

Best of Dr. Doom
In other news, a major disaster has occurred resulting in an epic capsizing. The event was caused by a combination of reckless actions, incompetent leadership, unmitigated cowardice and raging denial. Officials indicate it will take years to right the economy...

Cosplay Thursday

2012-01-19T18:42:00.002-05:00

Long Time, Short Time, It's all Good

2012-01-19T06:45:00.001-05:00

Yay!

2012-01-18T21:48:00.009-05:00

Brender

1. Hillary's transformation into a Bond-Supervillain with her own cadre of bikini-clad, martial arts bodyguards surprised no one.

2. Preparing for the Superbowl Half-Time show, the Synchronized Sinead's Swim Team.

3. Kobe smiled. "Finally!"

4. Their spaceship landed, they emerged, and tried to make contact with humans in the language of interpretive dance.

5. Mitt Romney's secret Florida strategery: Fembots!

Best of prince of leaves
Solar powered fembots: yet another Obama "green" initiative that didn't work out so hot.

Best of Submariner
The "Axe Effect" expected by your typical 14 year old male as he buys his first container...

Best of dadoctah
"We have come to your planet to pay tribute to your great leader. Take us to Robert Palmer!"

Best of GregMan
I see the French Water Volleyball Team is practicing surrendering to the Germans again.

Best of curly
To dispel her reputation as an “angry black woman”, Michelle Obama often hires the local college’s girls swim team to act as her entourage.

Best of Dr. Doom
In his latest recurring nightmare, the Ukrainian Women's Synchronized Swimming Team repeat in unison, "Yes Dub, we hear and we obey"...

Scratch That

2012-01-18T09:45:00.012-05:00

Schneider

1. "Hurry up with that exchange, I got to get back to my shift at Burger King."

2. "Hold on, I'll pay with with cash. It's kinda damp."

3. "Hold on, my butt closure is coming loose."

4. ORA: Andrew Sullivan goes to the Customer Service desk.

5. Eight years of Swiss finishing school... totally wasted.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Something reminded me I need joint compound, spackle, liquid wood, caulk..."

Best of dub
Uh yeah, I'm here to pick up my photos from my trip to the Sandusky Football Camp. Ouch.

Best of Dr. Doom
Everyone fled in horror after Bubba said, "excuse me while I whip this out".

Best of curly
“Dude! Somebody cut the Preparation-H with CrazyGlue!”

Best of prince of leaves
"Nope, don' fit. Got any bigger suppositories I kin try?"

Best of Army of Dad
Billy Ray stashes his pills while wishing that he coudl break some of his prison habits.

Best of Vinneh
"Hello, hello. I need some Anti Monkey Butt Powder and I need it now."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Yeah, that second-rate pornographer will never know what him, just like we were when them Germans hit us at Pearl Harbor, eh Miss Huffington?"

Breast Exam

2012-01-17T17:08:00.006-05:00

1. "Got any M&M's in there?"

2. "Mind if I pet your sweater puppies."

3. Eastern Europeans have little understanding of the concept of personal space.

4. "OK, Real and Spectacular... just checking."

5. "The punishment for wearing stupid hats is mandatory breast spanking."

Plus Size and Minus Size

2012-01-17T09:43:00.009-05:00

"... a

1. 1980's Teri Garr and Kate Moss in an Ang Lee production: Electra Woman & Dyna Girl.

2. "If you love me, you'll hold my hair while I barf."

3. "Careful, Emma Watson, you'll smother the kitten."

4. That reminds me, what did I do with my scissors?

5. ♫ "... and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak..."♫

Best of blue
"Why Mrs. Robinson, I think you are trying to seduce me!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
David Attenborough whispers: Watch closely... the water buffalo gives birth to its fully formed calf standing up.

Best of dadoctah
Joan and Melissa Rivers, as they see themselves.

Best of GregMan
Thin chick: "AIEEE! Gojirra!"

Best of Steve O
Yeah, but on AVERAGE they're hot.

Best of Submariner
I won't ever get used to the drive engaging either, Arthur. But as transitions go, this one IS rather pleasant. Still have your towel? I seem to be making a puddle there...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"There there, that mean old dub person can't hurt you anymore. He'll probably leave after he finishes puking in the corner."

Best of prince of leaves
"In this Discovery Channel exclusive, we've reconstructed what experts believe is Hillary Clinton's life-force feeding process..."

Best of prince of leaves
Scene from the "Human Centipede" sequel, "Lesbian Starfish".

GHEY KITTEH IS FABULOUS!

2012-01-17T00:37:00.003-05:00

Best of mpur
Fame!
I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna learn how to fly high...

Best of GregMan
Ghey sex can be a lot more problematic when you have a barbed p3nis.

Best of Rodney Dill
Throw up your hands
Stick out your tush
Hands on your hips
Give 'em a push
You'll be surprised, you're doing the French Mistake
Voila!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
And this is my impression of Kate Winslet on the Titanic.

Best of dadoctah
"Nyanyanyanyanyanyanya!"

Best of Submariner
I don't think I'll EVER get used to kicking in the drive, Ford...

Nobody Loves You! Be Gone!

2012-01-16T12:17:00.001-05:00

1. "My blissfully anal-retentive dreams were rudely interrupted by the premonition of someone setting a cup of beer on the coffee table from Marakesh WITHOUT A COASTER!"

2. "Loser Descending a Staicrase" - Marcel duChump, oil on convas, 2012.

3.And then the Angel of the Lord appeared to John Huntsman and said, "You've been touching yourself again, haven't you?"

4. "On second thought, maybe 'Vote For Me, You Mouth-Breathing, Snake-Handling, Science-Denying Idiots' wasn't as effective a campaign theme as the media told me it was."

5. "I better go down to the cellar and make sure none of those hitch-hikers have chewed through the ropes."

Best of Jack Reacher
Huntsman descends from the attic, where he's been consulting with Helen Thomas on strategy.

Best of dadoctah
"Anybody wants me, I'm going to the basement to shoot some pool with Herman and Michele."

Best of Double the U
Dang it, I hate it when you get all the way down to the bottom and then your realize you forgot to register in VA.

Best of Rodney Dill
Huntsman (thinking): "There's always that career in research papers, essays, and dissertations...."

The Shoes of the Flipperman

2012-01-16T08:23:00.016-05:00

1. "Barney Frank is so out-of-touch he thinks 'Skyrim' is a way to join the Mile High Club. Heh! Betcha never thought a Mormon could tell such a filthy, filthy joke."

2. "I love to fire people. I'm starting with everybody at the TSA."

3. Al Gore points and laughs from the window of his private jet. "LOSER!"

4. "Nice... Bruno Magli shoes... Holy sh-t! You're the real killer!"

5. "Wow! Mr. Romney. I've never seen anyone's hair stay in place while standing in hot jet wash."

Best of Double the U
Sometimes you little people do a really nice job of helping us important people out.

Best of GregMan
"Good job on the shoes, Ambassador Huntsman. Now go tell Santorum to get over here and give me my manicure."

Best of Dr. Doom
Entry 3458 on the list of jobs Mr. Obama is unqualified to perform...

Best of curly
No one kisses your ass like Rectum Airline.

Best of JohnS1959
"Hey buddy", whispered Mitt, "any idea where I can get a dissertation sample?"

Best of curly
“Enough foreplay already! Let’s move on to the body cavity search.”

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The DirectAir pilot - a Huntsman supporter - slowly turned the nose left and edged it forward until... SCHLORP Frannnng BzzzZZZzzz ... and that's how Mr. 1% missed the debate.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yessir, sticky shoess is one of the side effects of flying ErectAir."

Best of mpur
Romney still trying to shake that elitist prick image, I see.

Best of dadoctah
While Robin pre-flights the batplane, Alfred gives Bruce Wayne a quick touch-up.

Staying in the Lines Is Hard

2012-01-15T05:17:00.014-05:00

1. Coloring the Cat in the Hat's bizarrely misshapen wiener was an essential element of NHL post-concussion therapy.

2. "Very good, Konstantinov. You are doing much better than Gabby Giffords."

3. "64 colors, and not one for 'Diseased Penis.'"

4. "Dude! Coloring is much more fun when you're baked!"

5. Observer's Notes: "Prisoner 761 has broken his shackles, but still refuses to escape. The Re-Education Treatment is a complete success. Alert FEMA to begin rounding up test subjects for Phase II."

Best of jj
Canadian citizenship exams for European hockey players was quite different than for the average person.

Best of Jack Reacher
At least the bulk-produced term papers came with colorful graphics.

Best of Vinneh
In nonviolent, politically correct Canada the penalty box has now been renamed time-out.

Saturday Awkward Wrestling Photos

2012-01-14T22:03:00.001-05:00

1. "Dude! I do not want to look at your PA!"

2. "Dude! I do not want to look at the hickey Army of Mom gave you!"

3. "Dude! It's called Deodorant. D-E-O-D-O-R-A-N-T. Look into it."

4. "Dude! That was a wicked queef. Wait! Dudes don't queef!"

5. "Dude! I do not want to look at your conjoined fetal twin."

Best of prince of leaves
Even at an early age, Justin's wandering eye was a problem for his partner-of-the-moment.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Stop it Billy", cried Bobby, "There is no such hold as a Half-Johnson"

The Pillage People

2012-01-13T05:52:00.009-05:00

Schneider

1. The Tea Party, as envisioned by the editorial board of the New York Times.

2. Venture Capitalists, as imagined by Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry.

3.Minnesota Vikings fans... as envisioned by Minnesota Vikings Fans.

4."Where de Anglo-Saxon women at?"

5. Viking raiding parties were the last shallow gasps of the Hipster Movement.

Best of GregMan
What happened when those kids wouldn't get off Hrothgar's lawn.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Meet the proponents of even stronger Patriot Act laws.

Best of Jack Reacher
Mr. Romney, the press is here for your interview.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Ya der hey"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Liberal answer to the Tea Party: The Thor Losers.

Best of prince of leaves
Occupy Trondheim came to a bloody end when Fairhair sent his soldiers in to disperse the squatters and send the survivors packing for Iceland.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"The wrong one is leaving!" The Katherine Willows Fan Club storms the set of CSI, and there isn't a Justin Beiber in sight.

Best of dadoctah
Freebird!!!

Another Vivid RiIot of Red

2012-01-13T05:40:00.010-05:00

Schneider

1. Hussein should have known better than to approach M'Chel on a heavy flow day.

2. The horrible secret behind Prego spaghetti sauce.

3. Disney's PMS-themed Water Park was a bigger misfire than Euro-Disney.

4. In his second term, Obama decided to just slaughter the 1% and bathe in their blood.

5. The thing has got Barack... Yea! Go Thing!

Best of GregMan
The Gerbil's Revenge starring Richard Gere had some amazing special effects.

Best of curly
Headline: Mensa Messes Mises, Miscues Menses, Moans Missus
Translation: The brainy hard currency advocate’s wife complained of his googling the mistyping of “Mises Institute”.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The owner of the tomato farm regretted hanging the "Throw yourself into your work" motivational poster in the cafeteria.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Charlene? Your tampon came out again!

Best of Jack Reacher
Oh, damn. The plug holding all those backed up captions has failed.

Best of Dr. Doom
No amount of butt closures is going to fix that...

Best of prince of leaves
The FDA subsequently issued new rulings to prevent Cthulhu-spawn from being fraudulently sold for calamari.

Best of jj
BREAKING NEWS....Detroit City Council is barraged by protests when citizens find out that they will not be getting free tampons.

Best of dadoctah
Trial commercial for the new Ocean Spray X-treme Cranberry.

So, That's What Happened to my Lawnmower Wheel

2012-01-12T19:03:00.001-05:00

The Brigade

Dirty, Filthy Girls

2012-01-12T06:54:00.001-05:00

More at 
The Brigade

That's Impressive

2012-01-11T21:36:00.008-05:00

1. As usual, the American Team dominated Olympic pole-dancing.

2. Taking down the Festivus pole really marks the end of the holiday season.

3. The ten foot pole allowed Anderson Cooper to touch her.

4. "...and then, just as the limber blonde underwear-model gymnast was about to hand me my Motor Trend Car of the Year Award... I woke up."

5. John Huntsman's favorite blond intern returns with that 'poll' he asked for.

Crying Children... Is There Anything More Arousing?

2012-01-11T05:15:00.001-05:00

Sondra K

1. OK,OK,OK... you can have one more hour of math homework, then off to bed.

2. "Oh, stop your crying. Mitt Romney isn't going to fire you."

3. "And the 'winners' of the Organ Harvest Lottery are Li-Chang, Soo-Hua, and Huang-Shi."

4. Children everywhere reacted the same way to Van Halen's godawful reunion single.

5. Told you guys not to bet on LSU. Roll Tide!

Best of prince of leaves
Not seen in NoKo propaganda photo: the 'minders' tightening the C-clamps on their ankles to make their suffering more convincing.

Best of GregMan
"Waaah, Gojhira destroyed our school! Now we can't take our Calculus exam!"

Best of GregMan
Workers at the Online Essay Writing Company react to the news that they're all being laid off after withering criticism on CapThis results in a sharp sales drop-off.

Best of dub
With all this whining and carrying on, Sophie's choice is becomming a LOT easier.

Best of jimmy
Due to NoKo's increasing budget crisis, the school cafeteria had to serve Barney as that day's mystery meat.
Best of Dr. Doom
"No we don't want to hear about Ron Paul again", cried the students.

Best of Vinneh
Typical Asian kids react to a snow day at school.

Have at it....

2012-01-10T20:21:00.001-05:00

‎"1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... schlemiel! Shlamozel, Hassenpffeffer Incorporated!"

Best of prince of leaves
January 20, 2013: Former President Obama and former Secretary of State Clinton sneak out in disguise through Jefferson-era tunnels beneath the White House to avoid the inaugural parade/vigilante mobs on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Best of Shayne
Hillary to Obama: "Remember, Barry, it's $50 for a blow job and $250 for the night. Not the other way around."

Best of dadoctah
"Kenya? Dude, you're *way* off base. We're Illinois Amish!"

Threadwinnuh jj
....again...the only thing missing is a '64 T-Bird and a cliff...

Best of Dr. Doom
"Dang it, I knew we should have taken that left in Albuquerque", said Hillary

Best of Rodney Dill
"It's baBUSHka's fault."

Best of mpur
"Water's cold"
"Yep. Deep, too"

Hey, There's a Dog on My Back

2012-01-10T12:20:00.001-05:00

1. Garbage-scented Axe was a huge hit among zoophiles.

2. "OK, Spike, one more Enumclaw caption... Then, we can cuddle."

3. "So, you've been spamming the Ron Paul polls! Bad dog! Bad dog!"

4. "No! I'm gonna play Wow! I'm tired of being your bitch."

5. "I named him 'Kuato.'"

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
What? I couldn't find a black kid."

Best of From the Mind of a Madman
Hey at least I already got the monkey off!

Best of Dr. Doom
Bob and Rex were caught red handed watching kitteh pron on the internet...

Best of Dactyl
Old joke:
A man walks into a doctor's office with a dog on his back.
The doctor asks, "what can I do for you?"
The dog replies "well, could you get this guy off my balls?"

Best of GregMan
"See, Spike, I told you the Best Ofs weren't up yet."

Best of dub
I swear....you let a bitch lick peanut butter off your balls ONE TIME, and she gets all clingy.

Best of VInneh
Tony Danza gets a little kinky.

Share the Chair

2012-01-10T05:19:00.010-05:00

1. The suicide note read simply, "My gay son is dating a ginger."

2. "Oh, Ricky! This really is the perfect couch for watching 'Glee.'"

3. "So, you were expected an iPhone for Christmas, but your parents got you several cases of Platinum toilet tissue instead? Sucks to be you!"

4. "Ricky, I also think Tim Tebow is super-hot, but your obsession with him makes me feel insecure about my big ginger body."

5. "This time, we planned out the orgy in advance and ordered plenty of Platinum toilet paper to clean up the Man Goo."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Sex and the City" is sponsored by Platinum Toilet Paper, and I wanted to show my support for their marathon on TBS."

Best of Rodney Dill
Stocked up and waiting for the Nostradamus prediction to come to fruition.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
This is the only non-nude photo Jeffie got in his Maldives Honeymoon Package. Next time, he's choosing Olan Mills Studios... and laying off the liquor.

Best of GregMan
"Look, Todd! Here comes the Maldives Honeymoon Package commercial again!"

Best of dub
Ricky's thought bubble: "Everlast? More like 4MinuteLast."

Best of Dr. Doom
Todd and Conner (being both nerds and post modern survivalists) laid in a lifetime supply of tissues and lotion...

Best of Dactyl
And after Jack Sprat (who could eat no fat) murdered his wife in a blood-sugar-high induced rampage, he wound up the prison bitch of a three-time loser who, ironically, loved to "eat lean"...

You Know This Story

2012-01-09T18:48:00.001-05:00

You know, the one about how Obama is so egocentric he threw himself a costume party themed on his own economic policy.

Moonbattery

Best of Steve O
Guess which character is from which fairytale.

Best of blue
Obama and his campaign advisers plot out their attacks on the republican candidates.....

Best of Submariner
ORA: Everything was going great until Bill Murray showed up and Carol Kane clocked him with her toaster.

Best of Jack Reacher
I see the new NLRB board members are ready for work.

Best of Rodney Dill
Malice in Wonderland

Best of curly
In the next photo op, the cast from Edward Scissorhands can be seen making confetti out of the Constitution.

Best of GregMan
M'chel should stop stacking the skulls of her beaten and devoured enemies in the corner like that.

Best of JohnS1959
Mr. Obama introduces his new panel of economic advisers...

Best of Rodney Dill
They couldn't get Biden out of the Hookah room for the photo.

Mittens and Ricky

2012-01-09T09:56:00.002-05:00

1. Mitt Romney was also on the receiving end of a "Google Bombing." A 'Romney' is now defined in Urban Dictionary as "What you settle for when she rules out oral, anal, vaginal, and hand job."

2. Spot the Northeastern Moderate RINO: Easiest Round Evah!

3. And at the End of the 'Polygamy versus Paedophilia' debate, both sides agreed to agree to disagree.

4. "Hey, Rick, Gingrich just told me the most hilarious joke. How many dead babies does it take to... Oooooh, sorry."

5. "I just want to say how much I enjoyed competing with you for the honor of losing to Obama's combination of vote fraud and MSM propaganda onslaught."

Mittens McLandslide

2012-01-09T04:47:00.011-05:00

Sondra K

1. Definition of Doom: The guy who lost to Obama endorsing the guy who lost to him.

2. "Sorry, John. I can't marry your daughter. I know her prospects are grim, but the church doesn't do the 'sister wives' thing any more.

3. "She's looking up 4Chan. Should I point out that no one has yet made RINO-pr0n and invoke Rule 34?"

4. "... And then Meghan totally cleaned out the hotel fridge and minibar. So, you got any money to help out a vet?"

5. "That's my aide. She's spamming Ron Paul polls. Drives him nuts."

The Atomic Weight of Tebow is Awesome!

2012-01-08T21:49:00.001-05:00

Best of Shayne
(thawt bubble) "Gawd, pull my finger."
(I'm going to Hell)

Best of dadoctah
Aiieee!!! Gojira!!!

Best of Army of Dad
Two Bronco quarterbacks each look to their saviors.

Best of Double the U
God, it's me Tebow... I still want that pony.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Worst. weathervane. ever.

Best of Submariner
"...and for next week might I remind you that Brady married a woman that prostitutes herself on runways and modeled underwear... (uh, strike that last part, I guess I did too.)"

Best of Dactyl
Tebow correctly predicts the number of passes he'll complete against New England.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Now if you could only help me write a dissertation."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hey look, one of my passes got stuck in the Jumbotron", said Mr. Tebow...

Just... Just... I dunno...

2012-01-07T18:17:00.001-05:00

Not Spectacular

2012-01-06T12:56:00.011-05:00

Schneider

1. Whoa! Those Repo companies are getting hardcore.

2. "Now that you've dropped out of the race, Mrs. Bachmann, you won't be needing these any more."

3."As you have ordered, I have physically removed the belly rolls from the two wet coed bikini girls. Are the suitable for Thursday, now?"

4. The world's most depressing Subway employee asks if you'd like bologna on your five, five dollar, five dollar foot long.

5. "With these implants, you'll be a shoo-in for that State Department internship."

Best of prince of leaves
"So you're saying," Susan droned, "that these two equine Halcyon suppositories might help make me feel a little less morose?"

Best of prince of leaves
Lucy Kozlowski, the world's least-enthusiastic prosthetic testicle sales rep.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I don't need them, not with my sunny personality."

Best of Dr. Doom
This is all that remains of Pamela Anderson after the NOW finally caught up with her...

Best of Passionate Conservative
THERE ARE FOUR T*TS!!!!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Your honor, he kept taunting, saying I had no balls. So, I ripped his off and juggled them like this until the police arrived in response to his screams. Penis envy my ass!

Best of curly
“…and here’s what fuels your chauvinistic Hot Babe Thursdays, you disgusting man-pig.”

Best of curly
The instruction video accompanying the “RONCO AT HOME BOOB JOB KIT” was humorless and bloody.

Best of Rodney Dill
Maria Shriver refused to reconcile with Arnold, even though he had his cojones surgically removed.

Best of Vinneh
At the board meeting, Norma explained there was a market for implants for girls who want to be flat chested. Then she was summarily fired.

Now Do It Backwards

2012-01-06T05:18:00.001-05:00

1. "Dammit, Spitzer! You done gone and broke my whore!"

2. "A few more contortions and I'll be ready to defend Obama's policies on MSDNC."

3. "And now, my impression of Mitt Romney's position on health care!"

4."Dammit, you stupid whore! That's a domestic beer!" huffed the Man Who Was Never Satisfied.

5. OMG! Are those Legos on the floor? F-ck Yeah!

Best of Censors Hip
With M'Chel on yet another vacation, Cindy welcomed Barrack to the oval office with the only thing she had that he would be interested in.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Terri's flexibility was the envy of all the other Hooters waitresses.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA:
There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that ... and we sat in the Korova Milkbar trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do ...

Best of GregMan
Even after Angie's tragic spinal injury, Gino was able to find a job for her as a waitress at the strip club.

Best of curly
“These new implants sure are heavy!”

Best of jj
The local pub in Washington DC went through a lot of barmaids when they wore out their lady parts after opening a six-pack or two.

Driller? I Don't Even Know Her!

2012-01-05T17:25:00.009-05:00

1. Literary ORA: Voice from inside: "Hey, there's no amontillado in here!"

2. Ty Pennington returns from Thailand with a fabulous new look.

3. "Madame Secretary, I am seriously only here to fix the drywall. Please put your pantsuit back on."

4. "Hot chick drilling hard wood" was one of the most disappointing search results ever.

5. "I feel like Ronald Reagan," lamented the Habitat for Humanity volunteer. "Always having to come around and fix the sh-t Carter f-cked up."

Best of Double the U
Silly girl, that isn't how you make a sandwich.

Best of dub
Whoa Lisa....stop. That glory hole is wayyyyy too big!

Best of GregMan
Being a woman, Grace never could figure out why the drill didn't spread the paint more evenly...

Best of Rodney Dill
220, 221, whatever it takes.

Best of Rodney Dill
Drill Baby, Drill.

Best of jj
Damn batteries die just when you need them....just like my vibrator.

Best of Vinneh
Debbie was psyching herself up before she went to divorce court.

She's Covering Up the Best Part

2012-01-05T09:55:00.002-05:00

So, a Blond Chick Was Hanging Out with Sarah Jessica Parker

2012-01-05T04:57:00.001-05:00

Ah Love Yew, Goggeh

2012-01-04T12:23:00.002-05:00

1. Chelsea Clinton Wednesday continues.

2.George lost a bet on Rob Paul winning the Iowa caucuses and as a result must make out with Joy Behar.

3. "Mmmmm, delicious wood tick."

4. George figured if he practiced by kissing a filthy, sh*t-eating dog every day between now and the election, he might be able to stomach voting for Romney.

5. George commits a major faux pas at the Royal wedding. "No, no, Camilla is the one over there!"

Best of dub
He puts the 'stiff' in Mastiff.

Best of prince of leaves
The love that dare not bark its name.

Best of Jack Reacher
The guy married to Debbie Wasserman Schulz shows the true meaning of commitment.

Threadwinner: Spineless Vertebrae
"If the love between Jacob and Bella has taught us anything, it's that bestiality is okay!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Santorum: "That's what I'm talkin' about."

Best of curly
Michelle’s latest secret lover was everything that Obama was not: tender, doting, heterosexual.

Best of curly
Bruce’s bionic Seeing Eye dog came with instructions printed in Braille on top of it’s head.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Later, he blamed "beer goggles" but the dog's still suing for petimony.

Best of Dr. Doom
Meet Rex, the new Mayor of Enumclaw. He was the first successful write in candidate in the town's history...

Best of GregMan
Cameras captured the precise moment when Spike confused "Good Dog" with "Chew His Face Off".

Once Again, Journalism Is "A Profession"

2012-01-04T05:26:00.013-05:00

1. "I agree, Chelsea, sending you to cover the Westminster Dog Show was just cruel."

2. "We'd like to welcome you to NBC with the gift of this shiny, red water dish."

3. "Thank you for those holiday cooking tips, Chelsea. Who knew your mother was so adept with a turkey baster?"

4. "So, Chelsea, do you think your mom would iron my shirt?"

5. "These modern family arrangements confuse me. If Huma is married to Anthony Weiner, that makes him your, what? Uncle? Step-dad-in-law?"

Best of blue
"Ah, c'mon - your dad says it's not sex!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I'm a serious journalist, so seriously... panties or thongs?

Best of culy
“So in the new movie ‘Mr. Ed Gets Married’, you play the young Mrs. Ed while Sarah Jessica Parker plays the older Mrs. Ed?”

Threadwinner: prince of leaves
"Sit up! Good girl! Treat!"

Best of Whacko
"No, Chelsea, those lights behind you aren't real. This studio is in the basement."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Actually I think you have a face for Online-writing-jobs."

Best of curly
“I’d offer you snack, but our last guest, Governor Fuckabee, ate all peanuts in the red bowl over there.”

Best of Dr. Doom
Yeah right - journalism is to profession as prostitute is to therapist...

Best of GregMan
"Chelsea, if you don't get off the furniture I'm going to spray you in the nose with the water pistol again!"

I Got It! Lesbians!

2012-01-03T18:14:00.011-05:00

1. "Hey, whatever happened to that creepy fat girl in the coat who used to hang out in our hallway? Didn't she commit suicide or something?"

2. Korean Girl Bands are adorable no matter what they are doing.

3. The Susan G Komen Foundation cannot be held responsible for breast exams that get out of hand.

4. Hey, at least they're not driving.

5. "Gawd I love band camp!"

Best of dub
Does this mean my dry cleaning wont be ready on time?

Best of Submariner
Olympics village female athlete dorms are pretty much what you fantasize, so long as you don't visit an East German one...

Best of blue
Bat Girl Cave, 3 minutes......

Best of Kaptain Krude
You might be gay if you even noticed the creepy douchebag in the background.

Best of Army of Dad
Don't you mean 'Resbians'?

Best of dadoctah
"We do your nails now! Pick a color!"

Best of jj
The smell is getting quite thick in the room. Pretty soon Ti-Ping will have his weekly allotment of cats for the restaurant.

Best of curly
“Hillary Clinton!” was the obvious response in this round of Pantomime.

Best of curly
I said 'Panda Express', not 'Pantie Express'.

Best of creative term papers and porn scripts
Girl #1: Oh, I'm so tired of writing this term paper.
Girl #2: Haven't you heard about this great new web site that will write them?
Girl #1: Oh, so we have more time for play now, huh?
(bow chicka wow wow)

Best of racerboy
"Well, Bob, I think it's safe to say they're not here to talk to us about Ron Paul or the Book of Mormon..."

Soccer, Because It's TUesday

2012-01-03T05:40:00.012-05:00

Schneider

1. "I wanted you this would happen if you didn't use butt-closures!"

2. "I am so glad we live in France. Those backwards puritans in America would never accept a fisting demonstration as half-time entertainment."

3. Which reminds me, has Penn State found a replacement for Joe Paterno yet?

4. "Two years later, and we're still finding Al Franken votes."

5. "Oh, this doesn't look serious, it's just an obstruction of some kind." (George Takei voice: "Hello-o-o-o-o-o!")

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I'm sorry, Juan, but I can't find my keys and they always say to look in the last place you had them.

Best of Submariner
That reminds me; Bat Cave in three minutes?
Best of Jack Reacher
"...and cough."

Best of GregMan
The crowd waits breathlessly for Obambi to pull another foreign policy disaster from his butt.

Best of Submariner
"Nothin' up my sleave...."

Best of Rodney Dill
"GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!"

Best of blue
"Dude, too many gerbils!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"I just know there's a dissertation in here somewhere."

Best of jj
Tryouts for the Penn State Cheerleading squad were quite demanding.

Best of dadoctah
ORA: "Oh my god! It's full of stars!"

Best of Passionate Conservative
Gaius Helen Mohiam: Only you, kwisatzhaderach, can go to that one place that we dare not look!
Paul: well F*ck THAT!

Best of Steve O
A picture that makes soccer look gay? Go on.

Shake and the Fat Man

2012-01-02T16:39:00.001-05:00

1. "OK, Governor Huckabee, I will bring you Solo and the Wookie, but I will not pose for you in a gold bikini."

2. "Michelle, will you tell your husband I don't care how fabulous he looks with it, or how well it goes with his shoes, he cannot keep my wife's Coach purse."

3. I don't want to say Huckabee is fat, but how many politicians travel with their own personal Drive-Thru attendant?

4. "Why thank you, Governor. I'm always flattered when a man tells me I weigh less than his last bowel movement."

5. "Governor Huckabee, you work at FoxNews, so you have to know the inside scoop; exactly how much Gardasil was Alan Colmes injected with?"

Best of sonicfrog
Oh My God! Mike Huckabee just ate Chris Christie!!!!!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I've seen your posts on that second-rate pornographer's site, and I want you to write a resume for me."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Why yes, I do have a magik slimming potion. It tastes icky, but our wicca members lost a total of 5,090 pounds and 17,602 inches! Or, you could just stop wolfing down the double cheeseburgers and fries at every whistlestop.

Best of Jack Reacher
(Man with headset) "Get camera three closer. I think he may be about to feed."

Best of Submariner
I used to write term papers but wasn't making enough to live on. Now I'm arranging honeymoon packages. You?

Best of dub
Bachman: "Well, the camera does add 10 pounds".
Staffer in backgroun: "My God, how many cameras are on him??"

Best of jj
New on Fox on Monday nights, "Huck and the Corn Dog".

Best of Rodney Dill
"Sorry I sat on you Michele. Good thing Mitt was able to pull you out of my butt crack in time."

BOCKSES 4 ROMNEY

2012-01-02T11:46:00.001-05:00

1. Non-Establishment Republicans for Romney meet for their national convention.

2.The secret warehouse wear Mitt Romney keeps his changed policy positions is located in suburban Illinois.

3. The Romney campaign displays the warehouse containing the precise amount of liquor it will be necessary to distribute to get Republicans to vote for him.

4. The cardboard boxes were added at the last minute to convey a sense of enthusiasm lacking in most Romney supporters.

5. Romney has carefully stored and cataloged every bowel movement he has ever had in a warehouse outside Tewksbury.

Best of Passionate Conservative
OH yeah? Well look at the cases of beer I STOLE from the minimart!

Best of jj
Um...shouldn't we cover up all of this hair gel?

Best of Jack Reacher
ORA: Romney's policy positions are being examined by top men. Top men.

Best of JohnS1959
he Iowa Mormons for Ron Paul (all four of them) prepare for the final push to the caucus by vandalizing Romney posters around Des Moines...

Best of Submariner
With a little bit of effort, we can use all these lost Franken votes tomorrow...

Best of Kaptain Krude
Is it just me, or does that "R" look more like the back side of a donkey?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Gee, 7pm and nobody's shown up yet. Maybe the public really is turned off by all our lies and hyperbole?

Best of GregMan
"So the plan is we hide all the CapThis 'Best Ofs' in these boxes until Governor Romney wins the caucus."

Best of curly
Anticipating a visit and possible endorsement by Governor Huckabee, the efficient Romney campaign staff made sure that there were plenty of snacks on hand.

Of Corset's Thursday

2011-12-29T10:14:00.000-05:00

The Brigade 

Gene Simmons Worst Nightmare

2011-12-28T06:52:00.009-05:00

Schneider

1. On the other hand, she is, like, totally immune from Goa'uld symbiote attacks.

2. Damn, I'd hate to see the cat.

3. Somewhere, Ellen DeGeneres just got a thrill up her leg.

4. "Does she have a brother?" Andrew Sullivan asked. "Does she have a much, much younger bwothuh?" Barney Frank asked.

5. "And do you have any proof you're the illegitimate daughter of Mick Jagger and Kay Lange?"

Make a Wish

2011-12-27T21:15:00.012-05:00

1. "He wouldn't stop ranting about Ron Paul. So, I clocked him."

2. "Human Battering Ram" was a Jackass stunt doomed to go horribly awry.

3. Just when you thought the intercourse couldn't get any sicker: Gay Airplane Rides.

4. ORA: Rick and Bruce's attempt to perform the Iron Lotus at the Roller Disco received three perfect 'Fabulouses' from the judges, even the usually cranky East German judge.

5. "Ms Maddow! Take your hand off my thigh at once!"

Hot. Dog.

2011-12-27T10:09:00.012-05:00

1. "Want some peanut butter, boy? Yeah, I'll get some peanut butter."

2. "Rex, thank Gaia you found me! Go get help! Tell them I'm being held captive in Army of Mom's basement."

3. "Enjoy 'em while they last, Rex. In fifty years, my pecs will look like Barney Frank's."

4. Next on NBC News, Chelsea Clinton interviews a gay athlete.

5. "What? We just humped five minutes ago. Can't we just cuddle?"

Just because I thought I needed some hate mail...

2011-12-26T22:08:00.000-05:00

1. No, seriously, if I wanted a president that hated Israel and thought the USA was an illegitimate imperial power with the blood of millions on its hands... I could just vote for Obama.

2."Uh, oh, Ron Paul, you just stepped in dog doody." No! Insisted millions of followers. Paul stepped into a golden mass of magnificence and beauty beyond the ability of neocon statist Bilderberger sheeple to understand.

3. Congressman Paul later said his remarks were misconstrued, and he would be happy to take questions from the "Jew-controlled media" any time.

4. "Careful, Mr. Paul. Don't trip over Chris Matthews!"

5. It had to be said: "Scuse me while I whip this out!"

Le Sigh

2011-12-26T09:55:00.000-05:00

Sondra K

Unwrap Your Pleasance, Monors

2011-12-25T09:08:00.000-05:00

Twas the Night Before Christmas.

2011-12-24T07:36:00.000-05:00

Scenes from the War on Christmas

2011-12-23T11:53:00.000-05:00

The Brigade

1. Santa finally decided coal was too good for all those motherfrackers on the Naughty List.

2. "'Happy Holidays' my ass you secularist motherfrackers!"

3. Michael Bay remakes 'Miracle on 34th Street.'

4. Ambushed in Detroit, Santa digs in and calls for close air support.

5. Santa almost made it out, but then someone made a racist comment, Dawn's head exploded, and shrapnel caught him right in the giblets.

Merry Christmas or Whatever

2011-12-23T05:58:00.015-05:00

Schneider

1.The counter help at Hot Topic wishes you a Grim, Meaningless, Commercial Holiday You Conformist Douchebags.

2. He warned them that the Red Ryder BB gun would put their eyes out, but they all thought pierced eyeballs would be rad.

3. "Naughty? Nice? Who are you to judge us you fat bastard?"

4. Later, they're going caroling at the Old Folks Home; hope they like Slipknot.

5. "Give us credit for being ahead of the curve ... we thought the future was bleak and hopeless even before The SCOAMF got elected."

Best of Double the U
Santa thought bubble, "I held onto that screaming crying baby with the dirty diaper for as long as I could and I still get stuck with these kids."

Best of blue
The Occupy North Pole movement gained strength when the elves went Goth

Best of dadoctah
Worst 60s TV Batman villain ever.

Best of prince of leaves
Wish lists, clockwise from upper right: Sarah Palin biography, CK-One, a puppy, the twisted and blasphemous souls of his enemies ripped screaming from their bodies and gathered for all eternity in an ancient carved glass bottle, Cheerleader Barbie.

Best of Dr. Doom
Looks like the ennui has overtaken Santa...

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Emo kid 1: "Oh yeah, I'm definitely killing my mom for this."
Emo kid 2: "That's what you said when she made you take a picture with the Easter Bunny."

Best of Submariner
I keep getting them mixed up; is this a Goth group or a seasonal gathering of the Twilight Fan Club?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
When Santa divorced Mrs. Claus, he turned to Morticia and Gomez for solace. They generously opened their mansion up to him, the elves and most of the reindeer. Mrs. Claus retained custody of Rudolph and any elf that loved country music.

Best of dadoctah
With every Christmas that passes, Yoko looks more and more like Rosemary Clooney.

This Christmas, Give the Gift of Second Rate Pornography

2011-12-22T12:26:00.007-05:00

The Brigade has Santa Sluts, too

Santa and the Naughty Girls

2011-12-22T08:19:00.002-05:00

Plenty More Where This Came From

Color Me Skeptical About This Danger

2011-12-21T17:54:00.010-05:00

1. This is the kinda thing that should get your breeding license revoked.

2. The level of honesty of Mick's T-shirt was on par with his 'My Other Car Is a Porsche' bumper sticker.

3. Raised by gay male foster parents, Rick had no idea his shirt was inappropriate.

4. It was not only giant, but apparently bio-luminescent.

5. "That's it, Britney, hold my son by his giant penis."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
You might be a redneck...
1- if you wear clothes announcing you're a peckerhead
2- you, your wife and kid all belch "cheese" in unison for the photographer
3- you can divorce your wife and still call her sis.

Best of mpur
The shirt would be more accurate if it said Danger: Giant Dick

Best of jj
Pictures from Jerry Sandusky's childhood photo album...

Best of Submariner
Kathie Lee's kids never got tired of describing Regis Philbin.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Later, Todd would realize he only thought his penis was giant because he compared it to his son's.

It's a Peeps of Wal-Mart Christmas

2011-12-21T05:51:00.012-05:00

Schneider

1.This year, Christmas comes to Santa.

2. The Ghost of Christmas Past had to tart herself up a bit to get Hef's attention.

3. "Hi, I'm here to apologize for that Barney Frank pic. We @vthek.net agree it was left up for far too long, and those responsible have been sacked."

4. "What's wrong with your other arm, tubby?" dub demanded.

5. Lisa Kudrow unfortunately invested all of her 'Friends' money in Solyndra and was reduced to any work she could find.

Best of Dr. Doom
Shayla opts for the naughty list...

Best of Dactyl
Chelsea Clinton's new contract with NBC required her to do 'special appearances' at company functions from time to time. She probably should have read the fine print.

Best of dadoctah
My local Wally World is overrun with red-hat ladies too, but they look nothing like this.

Best of Army of Dad
Even dub agrees this is better than the Barney Frank pic.

Best of mpur
Nice to see the local crack whores getting into the Christmas spirit.

Best of jj
Why do I keep hearing in the background a redneck saying, "Git 'er done!"

Best of Submariner
ORA: "Eat your heart out, Connie Chung!"

Best of dadoctah
This all started when Corinne asked her manager "are there any problems coming to work with my tattoo visible?"

The Goggles, They Do Nothing!

2011-12-20T11:29:00.001-05:00

There really is only one Caption for This... 

1. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Best of andthenblammo!
ORA:"Dew yew lahk mah tittays?"

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
"No! As a matter of fact these are real."

Best of metalgarth
V the K officially moves into "3rd Rate Pron" as of today

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Why, yes, it is a bit chilly in the House chamber today. Why do you ask?

Best of Jack Reacher
Nice drape of the jacket across your shoulders. Who are you, Count Spendula?

Best of prince of leaves
Remember, folks: like other members of Congress he gets top-notch free medical care. Your tax dollars paid for those breast enhancements.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Wow, I haven't seen 3 boobs on one person since 'Total Recall'...

Best of Double the U
"If woo fink I'm sexshe and woo wahnt my bowdy common shuger wet me woa!" Karaoke night in the chambers will never be the same. Thankfully.

Best of Dr. Doom

Well this is just great - Mr. Frank is leaving congress. Now what are all the monors going to do for low hanging fruit...

Low fruit... did you see what I did there?

The Nightmare Before Christmas

2011-12-20T05:43:00.009-05:00

Zombeh

1. At long last, the Atheist League succeeded at destroying Christmas.

2.Scientists have yet to explain the inverse correlation between a person's desire to appear nude in public and other people's desire to see that individual person naked.

3. Ang Lee was rather proud of his remake of Miracle on 34th Street.

4. What do they want for Christmas? You can rule out dignity.

5. "So, it's agreed. We're all on the naughty list and we all need spankings!"

No Six Packs Here, Just Kegs

2011-12-20T04:46:00.001-05:00

Zombeh

1. "That your Yule log? Want me to set it on fire... metaphorically?"

2."Nope, you're still not attractive. How many more kegs do you have?"

3. "Better duck dude, incoming bola over your left shoulder."

4. "And if Boehner thinks I'm coming back from Senate recess, he's cracked."

5. "Jon Bon Jovi is dead! Show some respect and cover your wang, for God's sake."

RIP You POS

2011-12-19T15:13:00.002-05:00

The Progressive Movement lost one of its icons yesterday or probably before. KJI achieved all of the goals of progressives, a society in which everyone was equal, the wealth was distributed fairly, and the national carbon footprint was comparable to the Paleolithic Era. 

Best of dub
pew pew pew!

Best of metalgarth
Just as you requested. The "George Takei Model" with an *extra large* stick shift.

Best of JohnS1959
"No you fool, I don't need to defecate", replied Kim Jong Il angrily, "But I do require some privacy in a small room to contemplate the grandeur of my new bumper car."

best of Rodney Dill

Must have Illudium Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator.

Best of jj
The glorious leader at the factory with the first sybian prototype.

best of Rodney Dill
It'll do the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs.

Best of Steve O
Kim Jong Un demonstrates the "time machine" that he and his father invented while watching an episode of Doctor Who, at fast-forward speed.

After the jump, North Korea's new ruler, Kim Jong Un, lunches with his advisers upon his ascension to the seat of absolute power. 

The SCOAMF and the Scamp

2011-12-19T14:15:00.001-05:00

Moonbattery

1. Interchangeable Voice Bubbles: "Wanna sneak out and play Coach Sanduskey and the vulnerable youth?" "Sorry, you're a bit too feminine for my tastes."

2."Justin, if you ever want to become an 'American Citizen' I know a guy who can forge birth certificates like a master!"

3. "Oh, trust me, we can sneak out for a blunt. The way M'Chel is digging into those fries with her eatin' shovel, we won't be missed for hours."

4. "Justin, have you ever heard of that tribe in Papua-New Guinea where it's a rite of passage for a young boy to orally service the tribal elders?"

5. "Welcome to the 'Hyped Up Far Beyond Their Talent Convention.' I see we'll be sharing a table with J.J. Abrams and the cast of 'Glee.'"

Best of champaignken
It is a pleasure to meet you Mr. Sammy Davis Jr., and to help you celebrate Christmas. I thought you were Jewish...and dead.

Best of Dactyl
And congratulations on being voted the king and queen of transgender prom.

Best of JohnS1959
How fitting - in this one photograph we see a microcosm of Amerikkka. Mr. Obama is to leadership what Justin Bieber is to entertainment. All we are missing is Taylor Lautner to illustrate what Twilight is to cinematography...

Best of Submariner
or
Keith Olberman is to Newscasting.
or
Barney Frank is to Fiscal Responsibility.
or
Milli Vanilli is to recording.
or
Bernie Madoff is to investing.
or
Kyle Petty is to sports.

Best of prince of leaves
I see Rachel Maddow finally had the plastic surgery to remove her adam's apple.

I wonder what the poor folks are doing for Christmas?

2011-12-19T05:34:00.017-05:00

1.M'Chel and the SCOAMF continue to be amazed that the unemployed haven't stormed the White House and guillotined them yet.

2.The floor reflected right up M'Chel's dress You could even see the writhing tentacles.

3. There were many downsides to serving in the White House Honor Guard, but the president constantly trying to score coke from you was definitely one of the worst.

4. The amazing part is, the entire floor was kept shiny by one middle-aged housewife with severe OCD.

5. "No, No, No, you stupid cracker a--holes! We wanted Blue Spruce, not Norway Spruce! Imbeciles!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Much like the American economy, those trees are uprooted and covered with shiny objects designed to catch the eye and distract the commoners from the fact the trees will soon be dead and discarded.

Best of Rodney Dill
I hope someone warns Biden they waxed the floor again.

Best of Whacko
Its good to be the king!

Best of Double the U
Ohhhhh honey those are so cute, what are those people wearing those uniforms for? Are they scouts?

Best of Passionate Conservative
"You know Michelle, those are some freakishly lifelike nutcrackers!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Obama: "Thanks to me the Sugar Plum fairies don't just dance in your head... they also serve in the military."

Best of JohnS1959
"Camp David?", Ms. Obama asked the Secret Service detail incredulously, "Do they have palm trees, black sand beaches, and drinks with those cute little umbrellas at Camp David? I didn't think so. Now go tell your families you will be spending Christmas in Hawaii this year..."

A Short Humorous Film

2011-12-18T08:53:00.000-05:00

Horny, Saxxed Up Kids

2011-12-17T09:46:00.001-05:00

1. A pretty accurate depiction of what it feels like to be trapped between two Ron Paul supporters.

2. "Guys, you are never going to be as good as Miles Davis unless you start hitting the smack."

3. Excellent blog, thanks for the share. I'll be a regular viewer.... Oh, sheesh, now they've got ME doing it.

4. "Please, guys louder! LOUDER! I want to be deaf so I never have to listen to that gawdawful Rebecca Black song again."

5. And then Cap This hit rock bottom with this display of Child Hornography.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Susi: I can't wait until my boobs get bigger & I can stop hanging out with the geeks.

Best of Dr. Doom
Carl's internet search for 'girl with two horny dudes' was a bit of a disappointment...

Best of dub
Despite their best efforts, Cindy still preferred a good tromboner.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Come on, guys, your tag-team last night made it hard enough to sit and play my saxophone. Now you're trying to wear out my ears, as well?" The bow-chicka-wow music had started, but Wilhelmina couldn't hear it.

Best of blue
"Boys, when I said to use your instruments to cover me with man goo, I meant...."

Best of jj
We've told you before, no sax before the big game...

Best of Rodney Dill
"Trumpeter? I don't even know her."
"What?"

Best of Jack Reacher
Due to her ability to block out anything she didn't want to hear, Susie grew up to become a Medicare trustee/NYT board member/CNN manager.

Best of metalgarth
Ralph Wiggum and Millhouse have finally had it with Lisa's holier than though liberal B.S.

De Plane! De Plane!

2011-12-16T11:37:00.001-05:00

1. "And if you passengers on the left side of the aircraft will look out your windows, you'll see a whore with a fantastic rack."

2. Blond with the terrific ass's thawtbubble. "The pitch on his number three engine is outside flight tolerance. He should change out the compressor on his next A-Check."

3. Later on, Hurley went mad with power and would bring down planes just to loot their snack carts.

4. "Dumb French Crackers," thought M'Chel from the verandah of her villa. "And somebody get that chalk-faced whore off my beach!"

5. "Oh, beans, the detonator! I knew I forgot something!"

Best of dadoctah
Photoshop fail! No kittens!

Best of prince of leaves
"Helllp! Scary metal bird! Aiieeee!" Monica was terrified until someone else on the beach helpfully informed her that that was what airplanes look like from the outside.

Best of Dr. Doom
"crackle - Tower this is Air France 472, we are declaring an emergency and requesting a fly around, over", transmitted Captain Oveur...

Best of Jack Reacher
"Oh, crap, that's my plane, and I haven't finished the term paper. I wonder where I can get help with one."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Deep Thawts
See Betsy.
See Betsy read.
See Betsy frown and wonder - "Why do they have to ship air all the way from France?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
Seconds later, the plane crashed when the passengers all crowded over to the side and yelled, "Fatty fatty fatty!" It was the last dub family reunion.

A Subliminal Message from Your Local Groundball Squadron

2011-12-16T06:50:00.002-05:00

Schneider

Feed Me

2011-12-16T01:08:00.014-05:00

1. Britney is slowly making progress in dealing with her racism, she's down to a six-foot pole.

2. "You got something in your teeth," said Spider-Girl. "A little web-fluid will get it. There ya go."

3. "His teeth look good. Yeah, I'll take him. $600 enough?" ATDHE.

4. Envy lost a lot of weight and shed the coat, but it still just lurks in the background.

5. 'Occupy the Gym' was far more racially diverse than Occupy Wall Street.

Did You Notice the Boulders?

2011-12-15T09:58:00.002-05:00

Hot Chicks in the Middle of Nowhere

Have I Ever Featured a Chick with Glasses?

2011-12-15T09:35:00.004-05:00

If you don't like her, there's more at 
The Brigade

Pretty Pink Balloon

2011-12-14T12:13:00.001-05:00

1. ORA: "... And then, the clown said, 'We all float down here,' so I called him a queer, beat the crap outta him, and took his balloon."

2. "It's for breast cancer awareness. I'm now aware that breast cancer looks like a big pink boob."

3."Billy, why don't you and your new best friend Mr. Pink Balloon come on down to the Emergency Room so we can treat that nasty old concussion."

4. Steroid abuse had turned Tommy's sperm pink and gigantic.

5. "Um... thanks for the balloon-gram, Mr. Sanduskey, but I'm just a sophomore. Isn't it a little early for Penn State to be recruiting me?"

Best of blue
I'm showing my soft feminine side & that cute quarterback still doesn't notice me!!

Best of dadoctah
Hudson was justifiably proud when his team was picked to play in the My Little Pony Bowl.

Best of jj
Hudson High School wins the first annual San Francisco Gay Pride Bowl. Needless to say it was a come from behind victory.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes I do Balloon animals.... Look its Michael Moore."

Best of Passionate Conservative
"If you thought what James Harrison die to Colt McCoy was bad, wait'll you see this!" Charles said just before he burst the feces-filled balloon in the referee's face!

Best of freelance writers job
I had to go show it to my friend and he enjoyed it as well!

Best of Army of Dad
Condom use, you're doing it wrong!

Best of Jack Reacher
"Oh, Kobe doesn't play football? But I'm open!"

Best of Submariner
♪ ..... And I pity, every girl who isn't ME today... ♪

Best of Submariner
German ORA: Neunundneunzig rosafarbene ballons.♪

Wednesdays with Wally

2011-12-14T06:53:00.007-05:00

Schneider

1. In an alternate universe where people's position in society is based solely on personal merit, Michelle Obama laments that the $9.98 hair straighteners were all sold out by the time she got to the WalMart.

2. "And just why do those racist crackers call it Black Friday?" Shaneeque demanded of no one in particular.

3. In her drug-addled haze, Whitney Houston wonders where the rest of her entourage went and when the video shoot starts.

4. The worst part is, everyone assumes from her LDYGAGA license plate that she's a gay man.

5. I never realized it until know, but the Boob Belt is essential to pulling off the M'Chel Obama "throw on a bunch of random ugly clothes" look.

Best of HLam
Shaneeque heads for the door smuggling a 60" Wide Screen in her jammie bottoms.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thawtbubble: Oh dangit, they're out of the extra heavy duty jumbo vibrator batteries!

Best of prince of leaves
After the unfortunate incident in the abandoned WalMart, Columbus added another rule: "Just because it shuffles and speaks incoherently, it doesn't mean it's a zombie."

Wet Butt

2011-12-13T10:24:00.002-05:00

I can't really think of any captions for this, but I figured AoM could use the eye candy. 

VTK PSA

2011-12-13T09:53:00.000-05:00

Black Rubber

2011-12-13T09:18:00.013-05:00

1."Would M'sieur like a shampoo with his cut?"

2. The ghost from 'American Horror Story' has a kinky private life.

3. Brokeback... um... Sea Hunt?

4. The annual Christmas Card from Uncle Fred and his friend Jack was just never opened when the kids were around.

5. The GOP candidates would come to realize it was a mistake letting Anderson Cooper choose the next debate format.

Best of sonicfrog
Vladimir Putin, in happier days.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Lost episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Spike drinks the blood of a San Francisco fern bar patron and develops an irresistible rubber fetish.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Where the rubber meets the choad"

Best of Adriane
Dude! You can make all the barking noises you want. You are NOT a Navy SEAL!!!

Best of sonicfrog
007 pron: "No Mr. Bondage, I expect you to...".

Best of prince of leaves
"Is that a seam across your otherwise featureless crotch, or are you just indifferent to seeing me?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Rubber? I don't even know her.

Best of Submariner
When I said "I like a nice, tight, seal;" I wasn't talkin' 'bout no Tupperware, Bruce...

Best of Dactyl
No, you idiot! The talcum powder goes on before the rubber suit!

SCOAMF Claus is Comin' to Town

2011-12-12T06:55:00.003-05:00

Brender

1. More evidence to support the rumors that the SCOAMF... "enjoyed being pleasured by older white guys" during regular trips to the bath house.

2. "Actually, when I, um, think about it. 'Pouting' and 'Crying' are pretty much all, um, Democrats do. So...um... carry on."

3. "F This Cracker and his Barbie dolls and Train Sets! I'll bring you free health care, pay off our student loans, and your mortgage! Every day of the year!"

4. "...Away from my...um.... bed I ....um.... flew like a ... um.... OK, OK, hold on now, I got this....'Away from my bed... um... hold on, hold on ... I flew like a flash, um, I tore open the shutters..." As the SCOAMF bumbled on without his TelePrompter, determined to finish his poem, Santa wished for death.

5. The difference between Barack Obama and St. Nicholas? One of them is a much-hyped imaginary character who supposedly gives away stuff to millions of people that is in reality paid for by other people and the other is Santa Claus.

Newt We Much

2011-12-12T06:32:00.014-05:00

1. "You know what I hate? Old white crackers who succeed by being slightly less RINO that Mitt Romney. ... There's one right behind me isn't there?"

2. Newt Thawtbauble: "OMG, there's another face on the back of his head!"

3. "My hand is turning white! My hand is turning white!"

4. "'Scuse me while I give Mr. Gingrich a reacharound."

5. Newt Thawtbubble: "Why does he keep making eye contact with me than coyly looking away? Is he into me or not? Gawd, if he wants to hook up, why doesn't he just ask?"

Best of Kal Penn
"..and this is the secret handshake used to get into the Obama Gay Bath House in Chicago

Best of dadoctah
Flanked by Alfalfa and Spanky, Stymie reveals the secret high sign on coast-to-coast television.

Best of Dactyl
Sorry Al, we're not falling for the 'handshake booger wipe' trick. Fool me once...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Newt Humor - To amuse the camera crews he's spent the last 5 minutes gently tugging the wig off Al's fat head.

Best of metalgarth
Goofus, Franklin and P.J. hold a press confrence to announce that they will be starting their very own comic strip with funding from the NEA.

Enraged, She Unleashes the Fury of 10,000 Amanpours

2011-12-11T21:13:00.001-05:00

Newsbusters

1. Unsurprisingly, Amanpour's tenure on 'This Week' ended with a shout of 'Allahu Akbar' and a loud explosion that splattered bits of George Will and Arianna Huffington everywhere.

2. "Infidel Cheney! You've gone and wrecked Cokie Roberts again!"

3."Infidel! Bring me back my corn dog!"

4. "You know what grinds my gears? You, America! [BLEEP] You!"

5. ST:TNG ORA: "THERE....ARE.....FOUR.....LIGHTS!"

Best of Spin
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman"

Best of GregMan
"You infidels get off my lawn!"

Best of jj
I can't even get a date in this damn country. Maybe I'll go to Egypt to get some...

Best of Jack Reacher
"Khaaannnn!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"one more thing V the Koward, I'm tired of you presenting yourself as some holier than thou do-gooder Christian..." At long last, the mystery is solved.

Best of Submariner
Despite her passionate rendition of "The 12 Days of Ramadam," Christine was booted from the first episode on MTV's "Air Guitar With The Stars."

I Promise I'll get to the Best Ofs... Pinky Swear...

2011-12-10T09:31:00.000-05:00

Sherbet-Eating Grin

2011-12-09T16:27:00.000-05:00

Schneider

1. And now a man who just provided oral sex to Jerry Garcia.

2. Even the usual gang of filthy hippies was put off by Roger's constant invitations to "Occupy My Face."

3.Jerry Sanduskey was surprised how many children fell for the "My Face Tastes Like Ice Cream" gambit.

Spock Prepares to Eat a Baby

2011-12-09T07:54:00.017-05:00

Schneider

1. "Yeah, good luck getting child support in Roddenberry's moneyless utopia."

2. "So, Bones can heal a wounded Horta but he botches a simple abortion? Most illogical."

3. One of Spock's less pleasant duties was dealing with Jim Kirk's many, many paternity suits. Once again, he sets his phaser to "Disintegrate."

4. Spock travels in time to drop young baby Katherine Janeway on her head and save Starfleet from the Worst Captain Evah! Unfortunately, he failed to consider the causality loop.

5.Ann Dunham's other mixed baby was similarly destructive to the Vulcan economy and society.

Look past the lack of apparent cleavage

2011-12-08T09:29:00.000-05:00

Slingshot

Best of a 'Meh' Lot

2011-12-08T06:49:00.000-05:00

The Brigade

Four Kings and a Pair

2011-12-07T08:14:00.017-05:00

1. [INSERT painfully obvious 'Motorboat' caption right here]

2.Dustin Brown failed his Ghey Test when he ignored the big-titted blond and blew in a teammate's ear.

3. "What do you think of my twin outboards, guys?"

4. Dustin Brown overcomes his fear of boats through positive reinforcement. VERY positive reinforcement.

5. "Five... Five dollar... Five dollar blond whore..."

Best of metalgarth
"All this can be yours if the PRICE IS RIGHT!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"You're gonna need a bigger dinghy."

Clean Up in Aisle 29

2011-12-07T07:51:00.017-05:00

Schneider

1."Sorry, I had to bring him down, he had big tits."

2. Contrary to the teachings of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, when you want something and you don't wanna pay for it, you can't walk right through the door, walk right through the door.

3. CSI: Milwaukee was just one franchise extension too far.

4. "Ms Ryder, these desperate pleas for attention really must stop."

5. Most of the perps considered it humiliating when Deputy Pruit tea-bagged them, but Andrew was sort of into it.

Best of Steve O
Paul Blart vs. Occupy Walmart.

Best of prince of leaves
Woman in gray: "You know somethin', Margie? It's always such a chore getting up at 3am for these Black Friday doorbuster sales, but seeing that Occupy fucktard get body-slammed by security made it all worthwhile, this year."

Best of Spin
When Walmart says one per customer it means ONE PER CUSTOMER pal.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I caught him shoplifting butt-closures."

Best of Rodney Dill
"What? The Potato Chip aisle too?"

Best of dub
He was attempting to go through the 12 Item Express Lane with 13 items....so I pepper sprayed him and took him down.

Mixed Fashion Signals

2011-12-06T08:23:00.028-05:00

1. "Army of Mom, I'm here to install your deck, clean your pool, and root for your Spanish soccer team."

2. "Hello Mr. Safe School Czar. Question, are all anti-bullying block grants handed out at midnight at an I-95 rest stop?"

3. "And that's the window where Barney Frank used to watch me drink a Diet Coke and fondle himself. I'm gonna miss that twisted old mincing pederast."

4. "I understand everything about the'Anderson Cooper' internship dress code except the hard hat."

5. The producers of Glee were delighted with the stagehand the agency sent over.

Best of blue
Ted is first in line for the Lady gaga tickets.

Best of prince of leaves
Getting shakily to his feet, Tyler slowly recognized through the rohypnol hangover that he was in the middle of a bullring and there was a man in a strange costume headed his way with a couple of fuzzy darts.

Best of GregMan
"Coach? Coach Sandusky? Where are you?"

Dragon Lady

2011-12-06T08:04:00.016-05:00

Brender

1. "Me love you long... no, forget it. Not even for another Trillion in unsecured debt."

2. Hilldawg: "Excuse me for asking, but do you people have a cure for cankles? Acupuncture? Herbs? Fetal cell injections? Whatever you got, I'm buying!"

3. As the SecState babbled on, the ambassador's aide could only think "I no speak English crazy lady with hips like water buffalo."

4. "Yarrr, I be Lickbeard the Pirate! Prepare to be Boarded and Scissor Me Timbers, Yarrr!"

5. "Madame Secretary, the Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS look really suits you."

Best of Rodney Dill
On right: "Me love Bill long time."

Best of Rodney Dill
On right: "Give my regards to Chef Ramsey."

Best of Double the U
So Yoko, have you thought about dating Newt?

Best of HLam
Madame Secretary: "I left 4 pant suits on my bed. Have them cleaned and pressed and, for God's sake, easy on the starch this time."

Best of Cat Whisperer
"President Obama wants to improve relations between our two countries, so I’ve brought you a set of chopsticks with a ‘Reset’ button on them.”

Best of dub
Kim Jon Il looks fabulous these days.

Best of metalgarth
Quentin Tarantino presents: "Kill Hill" (Don't we wish that was a real movie?)

Best of GregMan
Shrillary thought bubble: "I'll take that 3AM phone call from this one any time."

Best of jj
Hillary thought bubble, "I'd love to eat this fortune cookie...but in an hour she'd be horny again".

Best of Vinneh
"Hillary, quick they need more butter on table 14"!

Best of Dactyl
WV - vorpok: the sound it makes when HRC uncrosses her legs.

Best of Dactyl
In retrospect, getting Pee Wee Herman to act as the secretary's body double . . . actually worked out pretty well, didn't it?

Best of prince of leaves
Moments later the lifeforce-drained husk of the teenage girl fell dead at Hillary's feet. An hour later, Hillary was feeling old again.

Challenge

2011-12-06T06:05:00.012-05:00

Come Up with a Gheyer Vanity Plate than this...

I'll start...

GLEEFVR

TWILITBOI

GLRYH0L

FEMBOY

HTNSMN12

J-Lobama

2011-12-05T12:58:00.020-05:00

The Urban Dictionary definition of "Dickweed" is: "a person so irredeemably stupid that their idiotic behavior causes pain to everyone that they interact with."

1.As the SCOAMF yammered on, Leno marveled how some too stupid to make even the 'Jaywalking' segment had been elected president.

2. William Shatner remains unimpressed by the SCOAMF's entire first term.

3. Leno's audience responded poorly to his joke about A-Rod knocking up Sasha and Malia.

4. "No, thanks, B.O. Conan and I will not be joining you for a beer summit."

5. There's a certain Jar-Jar Binks/Liam Neeson vibe whenever Obama is interviewed by the press, don't you think?

Best of jj
Please get me a cheeseburger! She watches me like the East German Police and there's hell to pay if I don't eat what she gives me...

Best of Submariner
Obama attempts to use his pimp hand. Leno's jaw doesn't notice...

Best of Dr. Doom
"And I was in the book store looking at copies of the two books I'm supposed to have authored", related Mr. Obama, "and then it occurred to me those bastards at Nobel haven't given me my Prize for Literature yet."

Best of Dr. Doom
Mr Obama explains sex to Jay Leno...

Best of prince of leaves
It's sort of like watching "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", only not as funny.

Best of blue
"..and when I drive to the Chicago bath houses I use the car with the LDYGAGA plates....."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Come on, uh Jay, you can afford to, um, lend the good ol' USA some, um, some of your cars. And um, some of your, um, some of your motorcycles." Obama desperately searches for some way to cut the debt somehow, someway.