Tuesday, April 05, 2016

How to be Left Alone on the Subway


1. A new CNN reporter reviews the official manual for interviewing Democrat politicians.

2. "That reminds me, I need to pick up some mouthwash on the way home."

3. A long missing deleted scene from Citizen Kane puts the whole film in a totally different light.

4. "Man, that's gross. You'd want to rinse with Chlorox after doing that." 

5. Seriously? An instruction manual? Millennials just can't figure out anything on their own. 


Monday, April 04, 2016

Chlorox Cocktail

Schneider


1. "So, my options are Trump and Hillary? Pass me the ammonia chaser."

2. "I saw Hillary in a thong. Can't. Erase. Image."

3. "We've replaced this Millennial Obama supporter's Kool-Aid with Chlorox bleach; let's see what happens."

4. When there's nothing but Diet Mountain Dew in the fridge.

5. "No my turds will be white, like our friends the birds."

Friday, April 01, 2016

Somewhere, a whorehouse is missing its parlor curtains.


1. This bit was lot funnier when Carol Burnett did it.

2. The most shocking part of a Madonna concert these days and when she shows the audience her boogers.

3. "OK, Audience... now the next part of my show was inspired by a recent trip to Tijuana. Bring out the donkey."

4, "Who called me an old whore? Why, I have half a mind to smack you with a colostomy bag full of dildos."

5. "I'd like point out my children in the audience. 'Hi, kids. Mommy loves you.' And now, I'll perform 'Justify My Love' while my dancers act out giving me a bukkake facial."