Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Nerds and Cops


1. "Officer, is it really a misdemeanor to follow around fat people playing the 'Elephant Song?'"

2. The vigilante known as The Tuba Man is finally taken into custody.

3. ORA: And another 'Billy and the Boingers' tribute bad meets a sad end.

4. Every metalhead mourns Lemmy in his own way.

5. "Freebird? WTF is 'Freebird?'"

Monday, December 28, 2015

Only at Walmart

1. "Don't be jealous Billy, she just wears it better."
2. "Remind us again why you were dishonorably discharged, grandpa."
3. Later seasons of Small Wonder took a dark and creepy turn.
4. "Gee, grandpa, I want a Filipino mail order bride, too."
5. "Howard Stern says your ventriloquist act is too filthy, grandpa."

Don't You Just Love Baking?

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

All I Want for Christmas is Eye Bleach

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    I saw mommy whipping Santa Claus... underneath the mistletoe last night...

Best of Dr. Doom
    The Ghost of Christmas Future visits Dub's dream...

Best of Dr. Doom
    Season's Greetings from Butt Toy World! What's in your stocking?

Best of Best of
 Thanks, I didn't want to relieve that childhood Christmas I had to spend at Aunt Bertha and Uncle Tony's house.

Best of Rodney Dill
    Some bells just can't be un-jingled.

Best of jimmy
    Paula Deen, will you please just knock it off already?

Best of Dr. Doom
After all these years Lucy is still snatching Charlie Brown's balls. You don't even want to know what is going on with Linus and his blanket...

Best of Dr. Doom
A perfect metaphor for Obamacare - at first it just looks like free stuff but too late you realize it is just another way for liberals to make you submissive...

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

A Moment with Santa

1. "No, shit, Santa. You were in 'Nam, too?"
2. Say what you will about the man, but the two-man sh-tters in Trump's casinos are plush.
3. Santa: "Dude, for the last time, the list of naughty girls is not for sale."
4. "I couldn't help but notice the smell of alcohol on your breath and the look of abject failure in your eyes. Is that you, Jeb?"
5. "I've been very good this year and I demand that Hillary suffer a crippling aneurysm."

Dr. Doom
"So we was a settin' around drinkin some beers and we seen this strange red glow a comin over the ridge, and that's when I shot Rudolph, Santa. Then we field dressed him an brung him home so the ol' lady could grind him into deer sausage." explained Darryl plantively, "Now about that 9 power scope Santa, I want the one with the contrasting reticle..."

"I've got just one wish for Christmas this year. I want one single Presidential candidate that's not full-on batshit crazy."
    "Sorry. Can't help you. Would you settle for a Chipotle gift card?"

    Whatcha mean datin' mah sister done put us on the "naughty list?"

Monday, December 21, 2015

The Farce Is with us, Always

1. "We were going to dissolve the Senate and sweep the last vestiges of the Old Republic aside, but with McConnell and Ryan in charge, why bother?"

2. "No, we still haven't found those droids we were looking for. We thought we had a lead, but it turned out to be not the droids we were looking for."

3.  "The Obama Administration is proud to announce we have surpassed Mos Eisley Spaceport as the galaxy's most wretched hive of scum and villainy."

Best of GregMan
    "I find your lack of Communism disturbing."

Best of Dr. Doom
    "I am pleased to announce that we are recognizing these valiant Stormtroopers with the Presidential Medal of Achievement," announced the Obama Administration Spokesweenie, "TK-8671 to my right is being recognized for conserving energy by not discharging his blaster, ever. TK-9731 is hereby recognized for almost hitting his target on one occasion... on the practice range... at band camp..."

Best of metalgarth
    We're going to have ISIS on the run in about 12 parsecs.

Best of metalgarth
    Why yes these guys are our new sharpshooters. Why do you ask?

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "I dare you not to give me a 'harrumph'."

Best of Emperor Palpatine
    It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. I love democracy. I love the Republic. Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers you have given me.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Putin and Friends


1. "Next order of business, who hasn't signed Ludmilla's birthday card?"

2. "I did not get a 'harrumph' out of that comrade. Have him shot."

3. "Your microaggression was very triggering to me, Antonin. I think you need to check your privilege." - Things you can't imagine Vladimir Putin ever saying.

4. "When I said 'Roast Turkey,' I was not talking about sandwiches, comrade."

5. What a strong, smart, patriotic leader looks like. In case you forgot.

Best of GregMan
"Who's up for a visit to Butt Toy World?"

Best of Dr. Doom
General Prokopf: "... and that ends the communique from President Obama."
President Putin: "Seriously? It really says pretty please?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Fucking SPECTRE.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Agent Pavel Ryanoff has completed his mission, sir."

Best of jimmy
Bureaucrat #1: "Comrades, an American foreign-exchange student at Moscow University has staged a sit-in at the dining hall. They say she will not move unless administrators develop a vegan menu with organic, culturally-sensitive ingredients."
Putin: "Three missiles ought to level that campus quite well, don't you think?"

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

From this angle, his hair almost looks human

1. "Ich will sich toten!"
2. "Bat-cave, five minutes. It's gonna be yu-u-u-u-ge!"
3. "The foreigners are using our internets. Pass it on."
4. "This 'nuclear triad' thing they asked about. Is that some kind of sexual three-way? Giggity!"
5. "Just so you know, I could walk out from the podium, skull-fck Wolf Blitzer and piss in his eye socket and my polls would skyrocket. In fact, I just might."

Best of Best of
I'll give you one million to drop out of the race... that is a good deal.

Best of curly
"Jeb's a douche...Pass it on."

Best of dadoctah
Teddy and Donny unsuccessfully try to use their silhouettes to recreate that optical illusion. You know, the one with the vase.

Best of Rodney Dill
Blue horseshoe loves Anacott Steel

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
"How do you get all those supermodels to marry you?" "I tell them I'm Ray Bradbury!!"

Best of GregMan
"Hey Ted, after the debate do you wanna go to Butt Toy World?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Psst, Futurama starts in 10 minutes. Pass it on!"

Best of Moose and Squirrel
Gang bang in Carly's room at 10.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hey Ted, I bet I can get MSDNC to compare me to Hitler more times next week than you can," challenged Mr. Trump, "What do you say to an even million - is it a bet?"

One Shot

♫"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am..."  ♫

Monday, December 14, 2015

Friday, December 11, 2015

A Person's Face Can Say So Much

This face says:

1. I own a Subaru.
2. There is at least one professional dog groomer in my circle of friends.
3. I voted for Obama, twice.
4. I have never appeared on V the K's blog on a Thursday. Ever.
5. Oh, yeah, by the way, I'm a sex offender.

Best of Submariner
I vill break you.
Best of Dr. Doom
If Rosie O'Donnell and Jabba the Hutt had a love child... it would still be prettier than this
Best of Nate
Necks? Ve doan need no steenking necks.
Best of GregMan
"Ya koon tacha poonoo nee sah, gee."
Best of dadoctah
I am Groot.
Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Should your erection last for more than four hours, remember this."
Best of Son Of The Godfather
We title this masterpiece "Visual Ipecac"
(Which would also be an awesome punk rock band name)
Best of Jay Guevara
Boy, Dick Butkus has really let himself go.
Best of Rodney Dill
I just love when NFL moms appear in those soup commercials
Best of Rodney Dill
Mongo like Candy.
Best of Submariner
I'm Senator Reid's upstairs maid...
Best of Submariner
Captain, East German women's wrestling team, 2004 Olympics.

Wednesday, December 09, 2015

Dude, My Hands Are, Um, Huge


1. SCOAMF: "And now, Mr Putin, you will kneel before my death claw." Putin: "Bwah ha ha ha ha, is this guy for real?"

2. "What? No one wants to, um, brain meld with, um, me? What's wrong with my, um, brain?"

3. "These are not the, um, terrorists you are, um, looking for."

4. The SCOAMF pauses in his speech to play with the knobs of the invisible Spirit of Gaia, whom only he can see.

5. "Is this a, um, dagger I, um, see before me. Come, let me... um... clutch thee. I hold thee, um, not... but see thee... um... still?"

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
"I hope that's Reggie under the podium...."
Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"King Barry pose-able un-American Idol Affirmative-Action figure comes with bespoke suit, podium and TelePrompTer, and can be arranged in 5 poses that just SHRIEK intelligence. Just $48,700.00 per US person! Made in China from recycled plastic. Figure is much, much smaller than it appears."
Best of Rodney Dill
"I find your lack of faith in Islam.... disturbing"

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble: "I'm fondling your, um, package, Mr. Henry. I'm, uh, fondling your, uh, fondling your, um, uh, pen!s."

Best of jimmy
Thoughtbubble: "Like changing a lightbulb...changing a lightbulb....hmmm, Queen Elizabeth was right! I will do my new 'royal wave' maneuver and ignore the pesky questions of these peasants."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Just flashin' a "C" to all his homies in the Choom Gang.

Best of GregMan
"This is my gang sign from the Folsom Street ButtBangers."

Best of Dactyl
Live Long and Prosper Fail
in more ways than one, acktchally....

Best of jimmy
Dude can't even 'vogue' right, and there's been twenty-five years to practice.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Reporter: "Do you actually believe the crap that comes out of your mouth?"
Barry: "I'm not really sure until I'm finished talking."

Tuesday, December 08, 2015

Donkey Punch

1. Donkey Cop! Coming this fall on Fox.

2. When I heard they arrested a jackass, my first thought was "What did Joe Biden do this time?"

3. "The Muslim Brotherhood is gonna love you in prison, boy."

4. "Should've stayed in Enumclaw, son."

5. Most cops consider it an honor to chauffeur a celebrity, not so with Sarah Jessica Parker.

Best of dadoctah
"We takin' yo ass into jail, boy!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
Somewhere in here, there is a metaphor for the Democrat Party, but I'm just too tired to find it.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA: "Norman, please coordinate."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Bereft of any new ideas, Hollywood takes a chance with it's "Turner and Hooch" sequel, Sargent Panza and Donkey Oatey.

Best of Dr. Doom
Boy those Norman cops really haul ass...

Best of Submariner
This month on COPS:
Tijuana Vice

Best of Submariner
Domestic abuse calls in Enumclaw were a bit different than other locales.

Best of Mr Hankey
Little s known about Huma's interview to work for Hillary, but props were used.

Best of Mr Hankey
Nancy Pelosi enjoys taking off her make-up and traveling around town unrecognized.

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
something ....Sarah Jessica Parker..... something

Best of Rodney Dill
Does this car make my ass look fat?

Monday, December 07, 2015

Perking Up Your Monday

I ain't found nothin' I wanna caption yet. So here's some erect nipples.

Friday, December 04, 2015

When Santa Met Satan

1. "The Pig is into BDSM, Pass It On."

2. All three offered to "Love you long time." One offer was accepted.

3. "Uh, Santa, I, um, think you, um, got my list confused with, um, Hillary's. I don't, um, eat pork and I don't need a, um, child sacrifice."

4. "A solid black butt-plug!! Thank you, Santa, it's PERFECT!"

5. "When I show you the Queen of Spades, you will kill them. You will kill them all!"

A Day Late

Wednesday, December 02, 2015

News of the Eponymous

It could have been worse, he could have been a wide receiver.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    I like B1G Butts and I can not lie...

Best of Rodney Dill
    Michael Sam said he'd like to be the judge of that.

Tuesday, December 01, 2015

Saving the World One Elegant Dinner Party at a Time

1. "Why do I have to sit next to Skunk Head?" fumed the SCOAMF.

2. Eventually, the other elites grew annoyed with the SCOAMF telling the waiter "You didn't make that" after every course.

3. "I am not, um, sure how to say it in the, um, French language, but is there a... un... Campagne des Hommes ... around here, anywhere?"

4. "The capitalist swine will pay for their crimes against the oppressed of the world. Pass me the foie gras."

5. "Because Al Sharpton always sits at the head of the table, isn't that right, Reverend?"

Best of Whacko
    "Well, Mr. Obama, while you were running on with your global warming speech, we've already finished the salad and entree."

Best of Queegqueg
    There is always a children's table.

Best of Dr. Doom
    "This meeting of SPECTRE will now come to order," intoned Mr. Soros with a bang of his gavel...

Best of Mr Hankey
 So you guys are called SPECTRE and you want me to sell out my whole country for a 5% of the organization? Well I would, but I've already sold out a few other times and got this great watch.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    ORA: "Everything he touches withers and dies."
    It didn't matter who was cast as Dominic Greene, they definitely characterized Obama correctly.

    Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Ok, I think we're all here... Sinestro, Riddler, Bizarro, Black Manta... Please Mr.Luthor, the table is yours,"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Now let's see Robert DeNiro as Al Capone walking around the table wielding a baseball bat.

Best of Mr Hankey
    "Barry Barry, if you're able, take your elbows off the table. This is not a horse's stable but a respectable dining table". As my mother would say....

Best of curly
Our family Christmas cards feature a modern rendition of “The Last Supper”, starring our very own messiah-in-chief.

Arrgh! My Eyes!

1. According to people who think Obama is smart and Hillary is accomplished, this is a beautiful woman.

2. That Hijab rule is looking better all the time.

3. Within two weeks of the new "Got Milk" campaign debut, Wisconsin was bankrupt and osteoporosis was a national epidemic.

Best of Queequeg
    Odd, I thought it was a Pirelli calendar, not a Michelin one.

Best of GregMan
"I sense a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of male libidos suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced."

Best of Rodney Dill
    Schumer? I don't even know her.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    ORA: Geez, V. I. Warshowski really let herself go, didn't she?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "I don't care who you are, ma'am. You're going to have to leave Starbucks immediately."