Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Two Republican Turkeys

1. "Should I be this aroused looking at a dead turkey's butt?"

2. "This is just not as satisfying as killing Big Bird."

3. "Hunting is cruel, you say? Have you ever seen M'Chel bash their brains out with her eatin' shovel?"

Best of Best of
I see the turkey neck, but where is that old bird's wheelchair he shoved off the cliff?

Best of The Expendable
"DON'T COME IN HERE, HONEY!!! I'm just... I'm just... stuffing the turkey!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

What Has the Safe School Czar Done Now?

1. Under Obamacare, the efficiency of mass communal hernia exams is combined with the efficacy of politically correct indoctrination.

2. The Bad Touch Olympics.

3. Justin Bieber trying to out-Beyonce Beyonce, FAIL.

4. And then Lance Bass woke up.

5. Common Core battles intolerance. Meanwhile, the Chinese are learning advanced Calculus...

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Circle jerk - u r doing it wrong

Best of The Expendable
After the photo shoot, the boys put their "FAP" jersies on and went back to Bruce's house for a dip in his hot tub.

Best of Submariner
NO and IN were upset that their buddies wouldn't give them a hand...

Best of Submariner
100:1 they break out in the Wippenpoof song...

Best of Dr. Doom
The PSA photo shoot was going fine until Representative Frank arrived and started trying to high five everyone...

Best of Dr. Doom
Behind the scenes at the Michael Sam Fan Club...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Gee, Mr. Obama, when you said we would get 'hands-on experience' here at Man Country, I sorta had something else in mind. What? Call you Barry? Oh, Berry!"

Best of Markus ARyanas
The "IN" guy has his prayers answered!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The FAP team proudly displays a vintage picture of them all sitting in the locker room discussing bullying and how best to fight it.

Monday, November 24, 2014

But Enough About Ferguson, Here's a naked ginger eating carrots

The SCOAMF and Bitey Show

1. "Shallow and pedantic! I'll show you shallow and pedantic, you piece-of-sh-t," and Joe Biden is escorted off the set of 'Washington Week in Review.

2. "How dare you make him say those idiotic things!" Joe Biden admonishes the Teleprompter.

3. "Imma let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time…one of the best videos of all time!”

4. "I call Executive Order on you! You, in the third row, show me your tits right now!"

5. "And I look around you and I see Sinners! Sinners and Republicans! Do you sinners accept Your Lord Obama as your personal savior?"

Best of Best of
A female reporter's place is in the VP's home...closet, sugar tits. And don't you forget it bcause I'll have no more of that impertinent off-script questioning."

Best of The Expendable
"In the name of Black Jebus, I command you to RISE UP! STAND on your FEET! Stand up, Chuck!"

Best of USMC2841
You lay one hand on him and you'll have me for a President. Is that really what you want?

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"How dare you ask if Obama is out to screw old white men! Why back at Man Country he....never mind."

Best of GregMan
ORA: "Nooo-body expects the Communist Inquisition!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"Alright you, yeah you, Bob Smith of 3461 Elm Avenue in Peoria, IL, we better get a harrumph out of you the next time the President says 'evil Republicans' or we will be sending you to the re-education camp," shouted the Vice President...

Best of Rodney Dill
...and I live in a van, down by the river.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Mitch McMicrophone


1. Mitch McConnell's karaoke rendition of "Love Me Tender" was creepy; Harry Reid's rendition of "Like a Virgin" was creepier.

2. Apparently, Mitch was the only man in the room who didn't know Gavin Newsom had the mic last.

3. ♩ "Feelings... nothing more than... feelings..." 

4. Sadly, Obama doubted that McConnell really would be back to pick him up later.

Best of metalgarth
American Idol's ratings are so low that the only network that would carry it was CSPAN

Best of Dr. Doom
Mitch: "Mr President, elections have consequences."
Charlie: "Not for me they don't..."

Best of jimmy
"I write the bills that make the Whiiiite House cringe. I write the bills with pork and uuuuseless things...
"I write the bills that Haaaarry Reid can't kill....I write the bills, I wriiite the bills."

Best of Best of
[In a booming Foghorn-Leghorn voice] "Pay attention when I'm talking to ya, boy! Okay, I'll shut up. Some fellas have to keep their tongues flappin' but not me. I was brought up right. My pa used to tell me to shut up and I'd shut up. I wouldn't say nothin'. One time darn near starved to death. WOULDN'T TELL HIM I WAS HUNGRY!!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"You'll get a 'harrumph' out of me, sir! 'Harrumph', I say, 'harrumph'! Sorry for that, folks, but politics is a nasty game!"

Best of The Expendable
Mitch's karaoke rendition of "Mammy" brought a tear to Charlie's eye, but Barack seethed to himself, "Damn him! He knew I had dibs on the Jolson medley!"

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

We've Got Spirit

1. "Cheerleaders? No, we're actually the science club. We just want to avoid offending any militant feminists."

2. The 'Fighting Lhasa Apsos' of Barney Frank high school were known for their come from behind victories.

3. "Full ride scholarships to Penn State? What's the catch?"

4. "Laugh all you want, breeder, but we're four pointing Gender Studies 101."

5. "No, man... none of us is going to go to the showers until the Safe School Czar leaves."

Best of Best of
No, it's Homecoming., forget it. I give up, if it'll shut you up.

Best of Russ in Oregon
The White House Press Corps prepares for another tough Press Conference with the President.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Yea, but now we get to use the girl's shower.........

Best of dadoctah
ORA: ""Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, One Direction stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator and vanished."

Best of The Expendable
The starting lineup for the Mudchute Quidditch Team, which wears their uniforms in true "Scottish" style, allowing fans to caych a glimpse of their quaffles and bludgers.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Gimp: Are you girls "game throat" ready?

Best of jimmy
Dudette on left: "I don't get it. I slept with every coach on the football team, and they still made Tyrone the Head Cheerleader over me. And he can't even wear the tube socks with his uniform properly. What could he have that I don't?"

"Oh, wait..."

Best of Dr. Doom
"No we're on the team," explained Bruce, "Coach calls us his 'tight ends club' and we dress out this way for his 'special drills' after practice, under the bleachers..."

Monday, November 17, 2014

Not Exactly Churchill and Roosevelt, Are They?

1. "You know what I... ummmmmm... hate... ruthlessly competent dictators who make me like a .... ummmm.... idiot standing around with my dick in my hand... there's .... ummmmmm .... one behind me, isn't, um, there?"

2. "So, um, Dave... have you always had a, ummmm, conjoined twin?"

3. ORA: "Mr Putin has learned the first lesson of not being seen: not to stand up. However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover."

4. And now for a fairly easy round of 'Spot the Communist.'

5. "Quick... ummm.... Dave, is it? Ummmm... we have to make sure none of the .... ummmmm..... feminists can ummmm.... see Vladimir's naked-lady Aloha shirt."

Best of GregMan
Oooh, Dave, the suspense is killing me! Which one of us gets to be Putin's b1tch today? I hope it's me!

Best of metalgarth
The fact that Lenny and Carl were dressed almost identically aroused suspicion in Mr. Burns, therefore he took it upon himself to stalk them to whatever secret meeting they were heading to.

Best of Dactyl
Photobomb level: KGB

Best of of
Rockwell: "I always feel like somebody's watching meeee..."

Best of mega
"So....not to beat a dead horse, but how much you figure I could get for that bust of Churchill on eBay?"

Best of mega
The two-for-one special at Today's Man on shirts and jackets was a huge success.

Best of mega
"Do you get the feeling we're being watched? I mean, other than by the NSA, CIA, MI5, Homeland Security..."

Best of mega
Putin weighed them carefully, but could not decide which country would be a better source of slave-labor and women.

Best of mega
"Do you think if we put out a fake press release about a climate change agreement, people might not notice that we're incompetent frauds?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
This will be the last time Putin rides into town on a Shetland pony.

Best of Steve O
Soon... very soon...

Best of Kaptain Krude
Left: "My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives."
Right: " "

Best of Dr. Doom
Old School Soviet Atomic Wedgie in 3... 2... 1...

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Game Day

What do you think of the new cover image, kids? I call it... "Three Pussies" 

Friday, November 14, 2014

Clown Woman with Gun and Muffintop

1. If there were real justice in the universe, this would be the last thing Piers Morgan saw before he died.

2. Actually, this may be the last thing Kurt Cobain saw before he died.

3. And then, one day, Miley Cyrus just snapped and blew away the entire first row of the audience and it was the Best American Music Awards ever!

4. Don't bother, she's here.

5. "We all float down here!" Ang Lee *finally* nails a remake.

Best of Best of
Most terrifying is the splinter group Bozo Haram that recruits don't-call-them-domestic feminists from WGN's Chicago studios

Best of Best of
No, Lena Dunham's little sister wasn't affected at all!

Best of The Expendable
@Chronos: It's the only way I can overcome my irrational fear of clowns... with guns... and muffintops.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Once the swelling went down, Melanie Griffith wreaked havoc on the plastic surgeon who did her duck lips.

Best of Steve O
Pictures leak of the Republican who is alleged to have raped Lena Dunham.
It's actually a lot more believable now.

Best of Dr. Doom
Nobody rested any easier when the French Peacekeeping Force arrived in Jerusalem...

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Kumba... um... yah... my Lord... um... Kumba... um yah...

Best of USMC2841
On second thought using Red Rover to determine foreign policy wasn't the best idea.

Best of Whacko
Obama and his czars liked to have an occasional sleep-over to play games and plot the nations's destruction.

Best of Best of
...oh shut the hell up, everything you wear and use says "Made In China."

Best of Dr. Doom
Meanwhile back at the condo, Putin has all of their wives in the hot tub...

Best of Dr. Doom
The ice breaker at Man's Country Bangkok was a bit strange, but it was over quickly and soon the President was bowing for everyone...

Best of Steve O
President Teleprompter is happy to finally find some aspect of foreign affairs that he's good at.

Best of The Expendable
Barack's other brother is actually named Kumba Yah. True story.

Best of Steve O
President SCFOAMF is a better Kum-ba-ya singer than his Kum-ba-yah singers.

Not Shovel Ready

1. "No, Mr. President, that is neither your ass, nor is it a hole in the ground. It's a shovel. Try again."

2. "No, you stuttering crusterfruck of a miseraboh fairure, you can't dig your way back to the United States."

3. "What! You can also use these things to dig holes in the ground? Wait 'til I tell M'Chel!"

4. '"Russia’s president, by contrast, swaggered to his tree,’ according to the pool report"'...then lifted his hind leg to mark some territory. By even more contrast, his bitch Barry squatted to pee next to his tree.

5. "Posing for a photo op holding a shovel... Well, that's a full day's work, off to the golf course."

Threadwinner: The Expendable
ORA: "License to... umm... kill gophers by the government of the... umm... the United Nations. To kill, you must know your enemy, and... umm... in this case my enemy is a... umm... is a varmint."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Mr President, you did not dig that hole, someone else did!

Best of Best of
Proudly points to last night's high-water mark, a new record insertion for the annals of history

Best of Dr. Doom
Since Rahm left nobody in this administration can properly bury a body...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Just a minor family disagreement, guys. That stupid dog would stay buried if'n 'Chel hadn't taught the girls how to revive the dead with voodoo.

Best of curly
“This may not be, er, Brokeback Mountain, but it kinda feels that way when I’ve got some, ah, hard wood in my hand.”

Best of jimmy
In a rare instance of taking matters into his own hands, Obama joins the effort to find more voters for the Landrieu run-off.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Barack introduces his new Vice-President. Everyone agrees that it is a definite step up from the current one.

Monday, November 10, 2014

The SCOAMF's New Clothes

1. "Hey, does this Star Fleet uniform make me look like Tuvok?"
"Was Tuvok a stuttering crusterfruck of a miserable failure?"

2. "Is she the one that will, um, love me long time."

3. "This outfit is awesome. Now I can destroy America at Warp Speed."

4. And it was at this point the 'Too Many Cooks' video morphed into 'Too F--king Weird.'

5. "Do I look fabulous in this Star Fleet uniform or what? Set Phasers on 'Stunning!'"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"I'm defecting & bringing Obamacare with me....."

Best of Mr Hankey
So what's the significance of the red uniform?

Best of jimmy
PrezBO was thrilled:
"You mean I can wear the same pajamas I wear to the national security briefings?"

Best of tinman
Obama joins Xi Jinping on stage in Beijing to showcase Ralph Lauren's Nehru meets Roddenberry line.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I would, um, uh, ask you how, um, uh, you, uh, you got your jacket so, um uh, so clean, but, uh, I'm sure you would, um, tell me, uh, that it was an, uh um, an uh, an ancient Chinese secret." Barack chuckled at his witticism.
Xi Jinping also laughed. "I rearry rearry rove that joke," he grinned. He grinned more broadly as he spoke sotto voce to his wife, "Prepare the missiles. Let's start with Chicago first."

Best of dadoctah

Best of The Expendable
"On behalf of the United States of... umm... America, I accept your... umm... gracious hospitality, Mr. Eleven."
(think about it)

Best of curly
"I'm here for the threesome, but who invited the, er, female?"

Best of Best of
Candidates Kodos and Xiang exchange nutrients on the world's stage, before a bewildered audience.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hello Comrade - it is nice to finally meet you in person," glad handed the President, "I do so hope you have a shovel ready project for me..."

Best of Submariner
Honored to, um, meet you. I'd swap, uh, um, long-strand proteins, uh, but, um, I'd just want more an, um, hour from, uh, now.

Putin's Motorcade

1. Penis!

2. Hey, man, it's not the size of the motorcade that matters...

3. I doubt Putin will be pulling out of Ukraine any time soon.

4. Putin sends a subtle signal to Obama, "I have pictures of what you did at Man's Country."

5. Trouble ensued when Putin ran directly into the Code Pink demonstration.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

After the Tingles Are Gone

1. Matthews stewed. "Since when does Rachel Maddow get to put anyone in time-out. F--king Dyke!"

2. "Where's that stupid intern with my 'I Still Support Obama' sign. Also, my butt closures."

3. Reluctantly, Matthews conceded it might be time to change the 'lucky underwear' he had been wearing since Election Night 2008.

4. "Chris Hayes gets enemas, Ed Schultz gets enemas, Sharpton gets enemas... even Joe Scarborough gets enemas, but when I ask the suits for one, it's always 'Not in your contract, Chris.'"

5. "I'm pouty as Hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore."

Best of jimmy
"Well, I guess it could have been worse. I can blubber like a baby in primetime and be assured only seventeen or eighteen people will be watching."

Best of Whacko
Alas the leg tingles were replaced by a continuous light yellow liquid oozing,

Best of The Expendable
One can almost see the tingle draining out of his ass.

Best of Best of
Grumpy Cat has been dethroned. Long may his successor, Mayor McHard Cheese, reign.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Why can't I ever wear the strap-on?"

Tuesday, November 04, 2014

Scenes from a Democrat Rally

1. "When does Senator Matlock get here?"

2. "Vote with my uterus? WTF?" An old union man, Earl never quite got used to the new Democrat Party.

3. "Is this the Democrat Get Out the Vote Meeting or the Democrat Death Panel Waiting Room... (sigh) ... not that it matters too much."

4. Apparently, the promise of a Lena Dunham striptease is not the draw Democrats were hoping for.

5. Still half-expecting Norman Reedus to walk in and crossbow the lot of them.

Threadwinner: chronos the wonder pig
"Did we win?"

Best of Double the U
Excuse me, it is ten after.... I was told there would be coffee and donuts?

Best of Kaptain Krude
"The excitement level here is so thick, it would be nearly impossible to cut it with a knife," Tom intoned seriously into the camera. "This race is going right down to the wire. Back to you, Diane."

Best of Kaptain Krude
They should have stuck with a more memorable motto on the sign. I know where they could get a whole boatload of "John Edwards is Good" signs for cheap.

Best of Jay Guevara
Dem speaker: "And if we're elected, we'll provide you all with FREE BIRTH CONTROL!!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Precinct Monitors field questions from a well-informed electorate:
1. When's the movie start?
2. Is this where I get a flu shot?
3. Hey, I've been waiting 5 hours for my name to be called! What do you mean just go into any empty booth? I thought they were port-a-potties.
4. WTF? They bused me here to vote but then won't bus me back home? #$!&% lying ingrates.
5. Hola, soy un ilegal y he votado a los 6 recintos diferentes, pero nadie me ha dado un almuerzo gratis. ¿Dónde está mi almuerzo gratis? Me prometieron un almuerzo gratis!

Best of Rodney Dill
They said there'd be mashed potatoes.

Monday, November 03, 2014

On to Victory

Russ in Oregon

1. Once you have seen it, you may never have a boner again.

2. Kinda hoping Norman Reedus is just about to stab arrows into both of their eye sockets.

3. "Come closer, Hill, and let me show why I'm known as the Real "San Francisco Treat."

4. "Remember how we used to mosh at those Indigo Girls concerts?"

5. "OMG! Your breasts next to mine. It's so hot!" Hill's attempt to save her marriage through 'hot girl on girl action' only succeeded in driving Bill to the bathroom to bazooka barf.

Best of Double the U
It was awkward for both of them, neither of them had any idea how to hold another person

Best of dadoctah
"Now where the hell did we leave that one cup?"

Best of Rodney Dill
There's just gotta be a 1966 Ford Thunderbird convertible around here somewhere.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Well OK," whispered Nancy, "But this time I get to be the powerful Senator from Lesbos and you will be the freshman inter... er beautiful slave girl..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The Crones of DC centerfold was Playboy's worst-selling issue of all time. The Supreme Court ordered all copies burned and not even the ACLU challenged the ruling.

Best of metalgarth
Next time YOU wear the Sexy Witch costume and I'll wear a welder's helmet

Best of The Expendable
Botox meets Hamhocks.