Wednesday, October 29, 2014

SCOAMF Plays With His Food

1. When he found out there was no way to charge Bo's veterinary expenses to the taxpayer's, the SCOAMF neutered him DIY-style.

2. "Whore," thought the other dog. "You'll do anything with a pulse."

3. Sometimes when the Preezy trips on acid, everything turns into Reggie Love.

4. So, he can't handle the simple task of walking the dog either. Figures.

5. "Come on baby, wag that tail lower. Yeah, you know what daddy likes."

Best of  chronos the wonder pig
Doggie Style = ur doing it wrong.....

Best of  Best of  
Pooch, trained to satisfy Mooch, mistakes cooch for peanut farmer and plants smooch

Best of Best of  
Sorry, but the smell of wet dog cannot mask the stench of failure.

Best of  The Expendable
After being force-fed a strict organic vegan diet for the past six months by M'chelle, Bo decides that even some scrawny neck bones would taste good.

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
OB Thawtbubble: Dat be some mighty fine ass fragrance on your breath!

Best of  Dr. Doom
Some breeds are uncontrollably attracted to the scent of Ass Fragrance...

Best of  GregMan
Puppy Acres wasn't exactly Man's Country, but the SCOAMF had to learn to make do.

Best of  Jay Guevara
"Please be gentle, Bo."
"Woof!" (translation: "Don't act like it's your first time, bitch!")

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
Two-tone's thawtbubble: "Obamalama motorboats male dog" is the perfect title for your lame duck waddle into the history books."

Monday, October 27, 2014

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

On the next Episode of 'Pervert Chef'

1. The new White House Chef has a few ideas where M'Chel can stick her vegetables.

2. He thought his seduction technique couldn't miss until Gordon Ramsay told him to "Sod off, y'bloody poofter."

3. "Ya know what, skip the salad and just bring me some meat and vege... on the other hand, may I just see the dessert menu."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
McPatterson's was voted 2013's "Happiest Workplace Environment" and "Fast Food Joint with Highest Fecal Counts on Food and Surfaces."

Best of Best of  
Every weekend, MSNBC's new cooking show, Prison Chef, with Chris Elliot, promises to entice all your senses with its culinary delights and shiv fights, once the guards turn a blind eye.

Best of  Whacko
Most employees in the White House kitchen washed their hands without being told.

Best of  Dr. Doom
Fox News Alert: Today the White House announced the appointment of the new School Lunch Czar...

 Best of The Expendable
ORA (Obscure Religious Alert) - One thing we can deduce from this picture: the chef will not be preparing a kosher meal.

Best of  metalgarth
Reality shows of the Old Testament: "Sodom and Gommorah's Kitchen"

Best of Dactyl
"If this doesn't get the first lady to notice me..."

Well, Hello Sailor!

1. Blah Blah Blah Seaman... Blah Blah Blah Poop Deck...

2. "Don't worry about paying for the honeymoon. We'll find some Christians who don't wanna bake us a cake and sue their asses off. Hello, Tuscany!!"

3. "You're actually proposing? Well, blow me down!" "Later, honey."

4. "Billy, I want you to always be the torpedo in my tube."

5. "You know, seeing you in that position reminds me of the dimly lit rest area where we met."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Blah Blah Blah Ass Fragrance......

Best of Submariner
I've been dreaming of this day ever since the USS Californication left for sea...

Best of dadoctah
"Now let's see if we can find a construction worker, a motorcycle cop, and an Indian."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
If we ever win another war, they'll probably caption the Times Square celebration photos "B-J Day."

Best of Best of
Apparently, rum and the lash are preferable to monogamy

Best of The Expendable
"Bruce, tonight we'll be navigating the windward passage together!"

Best of Whacko
"C'mon, Bruce, let me see your carrot!"

Monday, October 20, 2014

Sir, Your Agenda Has Been Declined

1. "And for the mess M'Chel left in the bathroom... is um, twenty bucks, okay?"

2. "I am sorry, sir, but Man's Country doesn't take American Express."

3. "You want a, um, tip? OK..., after the election you'll be replaced by an undocumented Democrat. So, um, you might not want to renew your, um, lease."

4. "So, 15% on an $84 dollar check is like, um, what... $4?"

5. "Mr. President, please, get me out of here. Get me a bullshit job on your staff. Please! I have a Master's in Womyn's Studies for goddess's sake!"

Friday, October 17, 2014

Butt Hole

The Fantastic Four's Thing gets a much-needed prostate exam.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Eating Scene, M'Chel and Unhappy Children

Done enough gagh captions. Done enough "Eat this or I will gut you with bat'leth" captions. Getting tougher to find a first Klingon angle that isn't played out yet.

1. "A little nutmeg effectively covers the taste of bitter almonds," thought M'Chel.

2. "You damn well better eat your vegetables you chalk-faced-whore."

3. Little girl. "So, after you picked all of these mushrooms from the woods in the Pacific Northwest, did the townspeople come to marvel at the size of your footprints and speculate what kind of ape-beast you might be?"

4. "This 'Reggie Love Special Creamy Salad Dressing' tastes weird."

5. Little girl. "Well, I wasn't bulimic *before* I started eating the Obama-mandated school lunches."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
see children, one mutant rabbit will feed the whole school......

Best of Best of
The beast is about to tear off white meat strips from its young victim after hearing an innocent comment about white stripes being slimming.

Best of racerboy
Bah, this is woman's food! Bring me something that bleeds, food for a warrior!!!

Best of Dr. Doom
"I don't care if you like it or not - YOU WILL EAT IT," commanded the First Lady, "now keep choking it down or I will send you to the Safe Schools Czar for a little 'special counselling'..."

Best of Steve O
The trick is to keep your elbows on the table, and use a crane motion to move the food to your mouth.

Best of The Expendable
Little Susie thawt bubble: "This centerpiece is a lot nicer than the centerpieces we usually get at school lunch."

M'chelle thawt bubble: "This arugula and dandelion salad isn't nearly as good as I get in Martha's Vineyard."

Best of jimmy
Little Suzie was told she would either eat for the cameras, or she would never see her mommy and daddy again. No one told her she had to pretend to enjoy the food.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Oh goodie. Vegetables. I love eating vegetables. Yes. *sigh* How I love eating vegetables. This is my dream dinner - vegetables. Hooray. What a privilege it is to be here, eating vegetables with the First Lady. Oh, what a lucky girl I am."

Best of Submariner
Klingon thawt bubble: "Portuguese Water Dog is TASTY! Now maybe Barry'll get the idea to obey when I order HIM to stay..."

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

That Is One Big Flippin' Rabbit


1. The new Donnie Darko remake has great CGI, but I think the producers missed the point of the original.

2. Worst part of owning a giant mutant rabbit; turds the size of softballs.

3. Now you must imagine "Meh, What's up, doc?" delivered in a floor-rattling baritone.

4. Mary Kay cosmetics issued a recall of all steroid-enhanced eyeliner products today as test animals began showing side effects.

Best of GregMan
BORA (Blatantly Obvious Reference Alert): "That's no ordinary rabbit!

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"And I, for one, welcome our new rabbit overlords."

Best of The Expendable
Thumper? I barely know 'er!

Best of The Expendable
"I will name him George, and I will love him and squeeze him..."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Eh... What's up Podiatrist?"

Best of jimmy
"You can keep your fancy cable television. I just have Thumper sit on top of the TV and I can pick up channels in Indonesia!"

Best of dadoctah
Furry fever comes to Enumclaw.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"If you think this is big, wait until you see my giant pussy!"

Best of Dr. Doom
Ang Lee's remake of Who Framed Roger Rabbit was... disturbing, really really disturbing...

Best of Dr. Doom
"Ehhh, what's up doc? I knew we shouldn't a taken that left turn at Los Alamos, Elmer," said Bugs...

Best of Kaptain Krude
Sadly ORA: "Now all we need is a giant cat and a giant penguin, and Deathtongue will live again!"

Monday, October 13, 2014

Abortion Barbie (D-TX) Rolls Out Her New Campaign Ad

1. Ironically, Abortion Barbie now wishes she had never been born.

2. They wondered why the rally was so sparsely attended, and then realized all the good parking spaces had been taken.

3. "And I just want to say that as your governor, I will work for you;  No matter how defective, inferior, or useless to society you are."

4. "And now our main speaker... Joe Biden... let's stand up and give him a round of... oh, never mind."

5. "Dear Ms. Davis, How is my old campaign manager working out for you? (signed) Todd Akin."

Best of Dr. Doom
I bet there is a strong odor of Ass Fragrance in that assemblage...

Best of Jay Guevara
"And I'd like to announce the start of the walk-a-thon in support of my campaign. Let's roll!"

Best of jimmy
"Oh, no! Roberta, you need to get up front for the photo op. As our anorexic, transgendered, Black, Jewish, gluten-intolerant lesbian with low vision problems, you deserve the prime real estate. Hey, you! Forrest Gump! Move it or lose it."

The Prince and the SCOAMF


1. "Speaking of places run by an old queen, have you ever been to Man's Country?"

2. "Just gently touch the tips... come on... ah, that feels good, doesn't it?"

3. "Let me be clear, I have nothing but the, um, utmost respect for the um, special relationship between the US and Britain," said the SCOAMF while pissing on HRH's shoes.

4. "Speaking of, um, special relationships... have you ever been to Man's Country?"

5. "Did you enjoy the Corgi puppy Her Majesty sent?" "Yeah, it was delicious!"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Shiny things!!

Best of dadoctah
"Loved you in Purple Rain, bro."

Best of The Expendable
"That's... umm... that's a lot of medals. Did you... umm... earn those as a corpse man?

Best of jimmy
As usual, Obama is not in on the joke as Camilla blows in Obama's ear to make that "wind whistling through the eaves" sound.

Best of Dr. Doom
The Prince of Wales can't contain his mirth as Mr. Obama bows to the footman...

Best of Dr. Doom
The products of centuries of inbreeding come together at a state function. Hilarity ensues...

Best of marco
So then I, um, point to my, um, head like this, and...tell them I'm really smart, um, and they elect me! Works every time!

Best of Dr. Doom
"What do you mean the giant bunny escaped," whispered the President into his mic? "Now who is going to hop in here with the scroll containing all of my speeches to give to the Royal Family. Oh hell just get Biden to do it..."

Best of USMC2841
You get me the throne and I'll get you Reggie Love. Just like "Throw Mama from the Train".

Friday, October 10, 2014

Open Line Friday

Best of Double the U
And now Harrison Ford will do his imitation of America every election day.

Best of Best of
National Lampoon: Buy the prequel DVDs now or Greedo doesn't get it in the next release!

Best of Best of
Splattering your brains against the wall won't get your script for an American Graffiti sequel green lit now, will it?

Best of Best of
Trigger warnings for this movie: xenophobia, robot enslavement, monarchical princesses, paternalism, smuggling, smoking, fat shaming, Manichaeism, Empirical and Rabelaisian sexism...

Best of metalgarth
Yes George, Episode 1 sounds like a great movie

Best of Kaptain Krude
"All right, that's far enough," Han shouted to circle of mercenaries slowly encircling him. "I don't care who she is, tell this Hillary person that I have no interest in seeing her naked!"

Best of Steve O
Upon hearing about a remake in the works for The Crystal Skull.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Little-known Hollywood Factoid #6084
Ford's AIRPLANE! cameo as a goofy TSA Air Marshal was left on the cutting room.

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Jason Mattera Versus Lois Lerner

1. "Great witch costume, but isn't it a little early for Trick or Treat?"

2. "Ms Lerner? Andrew Sullivan wants to know when you'll be returning his red butt plug."

3. "I don't think your neighbors will let you in; they hate you."

4. "Tell us more about your plan to get the Ruby slippers from Dorothy."

5. "Is this your house? I was expecting something more... gingerbread-y."

Tuesday, October 07, 2014

Deserves So Many Ass-Kickings


2. How nature says, "Cries during intercourse."

3. The Democrats wanted to find their best representative of middle America to hold the sign. This was the best they could do. He once went into a Wal-Mart.

4. His senior class voted him "Most likely to hear 'Well, duh!' when he comes out to his parents."

5. Makes Pajama Boy look like Chuck Norris.

Best of Jay Guevara
Am I the only one who would love to see this whatever it is reporting to recruit training with R. Lee Ermey?

Best of The Expendable
Ironically, although Brent supports Barack Obama, he dresses like Hillary Clinton.

Best of andthenblammo!
"I went to my doctor to ask about a sex change. She said, 'Why bother, queenie?' I just cried into my pillow that night, cried and cried and cried!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Obverse reads: I'm a bottom, be gentle.

Best of Double the U
The winner of the Most Masculine Democrat of September 2014 award.
(Please note that this contest was for males only)

Best of kg
When did Janet Reno have a kid?

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"Obama promised me socks!"

Best of Russ in Oregon
Rachel Maddow is casting for an Ed McMahon for her show.

Monday, October 06, 2014

Old Obama on the Subway

1. In the Universe Where Things Are as They Should Be, Barry Soetero rides the El to his job at the Chicago DMV.

2. At age 75, Obama was forced to report to the Ezekiel Emanuel Suicide Clinic, just like everyone else who had reached their "Life Limit."

3. "I'm not going to change my ways on the basis of what some jive cracker Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come shows me," Obama insisted, then proceeded to the Golf Course for round 207.

4. "... and he would have been left an old, lifeless, dessicated husk," Hillary sighed. "F--king Secret Service assholes never let me touch him."

5. The illusion that the man was a perfect doppelganger for an older Obama vanished as soon as he stood up, acknowledged those around him, and actually went to work.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Zzzz ... hope ... change ... folks ... racism ... I won ... let me be clear ... Yes, Mr. Soros ... Fore! ...Zzzzz"

Best of USMC2841
Somewhere Joe Biden's laughing his ass off because he knew the whole time there's no golf course in Flatbush.

Best of The Expendable
Halfway through his ninth term, President Obama nods off during a speech by Pelosibot 3000.

Best of Dr. Doom
President for Life Obama at 71 - still sleeping through the National Security Briefing...

Best of Kaptain Krude
Zzzz... all Bush's fault... zzz... all Bush's fault... zzz.... all Bush's fault.

Best of jimmy
2035: A dejected, forgotten SCOAMF muses "I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for those meddlin' Tea Party kids."

Best of Dr. Doom
Ennui overtook the President moments after he realized there was absolutely nothing left for him to f-up...

Best of Dr. Doom
Startled awake when the bus hit a bump in the road, Mr. Obama mutters, "It was all a dream, only a dream...". And America breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Best of Markus ARyanas
"Say I look like Obama again, an ass whoopin to give you, I will."

Best of The Expendable
The original model, the Cyberdyne Systems Model BO-101, was designed for tasks deemed too menial for humans, such as community organizing. However, the latest model, the BO-800, became self-aware on the night of Tuesday, July 27, 2004, and immediately began implementation its plan to destroy humanity.

Wednesday, October 01, 2014



1. That vacuous expression of complete, mind-numbed stupidity. How is she not a State Department spokesperson.

2. "Wow, I can't believe the secret service let me get this close to the President considering I'm packing two Glocks and I'm infected with Ebola!"

3. "I can't believe I just farted on the President!"

Best of Submariner
Tweet with the picture: "Exact moment President goosed me!"

Best of Whacko
"Somebody ought to shoot that dingbat of a president. Oops, he's right behind me, isn't he?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Objects to rear, are dumber than they appear.

Best of jimmy
Why. won't. this. bomb. go. off?!?!?

Best of Rick Richards
A picture of a poser, posing for a picture with a poser.

Best of Dr. Doom
My how times have changed. No way this young lady gets this close to President Clinton without being groped...

Best of The Expendable
Text on phone: "OMG! My 1st time mtng the prez and my 1st time seeing a negro up close!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Even the asleep-at-the-switch Secret Service weren't fooled by George Takei's hair extensions and eye surgery... NSA had long ago red-flagged George's desire to plant a big wet one on Obamalama and from the size of that grin, George was finally going to make his move!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I felt that," President Obama thundered to the assembled crowd. "Somebody touched the hem of my garment! Who did it?"

Best of Markus ARyanas
*CLICK*, "Hey! That's not Derek Jeter!!!"

Best of mega
I can't believe I got an Obama Phone! OMG you guys, they didn't notice I was white!