Friday, February 28, 2014

The Dysfunctional Royal Family Circus

1. "Oh, sure, they take baths with kids and nobody says boo, but when I do it it's all 'restraining order' this and '300 yards' that..." fumed a furious Woody Allen.

2. "You're right, Kate, this double-ended dildo is *fantastic*!"

3. "Yeah, somewhere in Vegas my brother is romping buck naked with a dozen thousand-dollar-an-hour hookers... but this is *also* nice."

4. ORA: "Well, the Golgafrincham Ark Ship Class B should be landing any time now."

5. "... and then, as society collapsed in a maelstrom of violence and dysfunction, the king, the queen, and the little prince flew over the rioting peasants in their helicopter and laughed, 'Hahahahahah!'"

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Lizzie and the Chocolate Factory


1. The Queen has a surprisingly large collection of rabbit turds.

2, "And this been is where we store the testicles of the Republican Leadership."

3. "And you say nothing could survive the heat of the processing furnace, good subject? Not even a human corpse... say of a certain vile, horse-faced woman who will be queen over my dead body?"

4. "An excellent guess, your majesty. Now, can you spot which bin contains shinola?"

5. The Queen sighed, "When I said I wanted you men to show me your whoppers..." 

Ginger Bomb

1. One of the less important Number Six's enjoys Caprica's nuclear destruction.

2. This is pretty much what goes through my head whenever Alison Hannigan says "This one time, at band camp..."

3. "I think the Clinton's might have gone a little overboard witht he security floodlights."

4. Tonight on Quantum Leap: "Oh-boy."

5. "And you'll continue sleeping on the dog's bed until you make me a sammitch." 

Best of metalgarth
    Alternate Universe #5678474
    The "little red haired girl" was waiting for Charlie Brown after he pitched a perfect game to win the World Series.

Best of metalgarth
    Believe it or not... this image was found on Eric Cartman's hard drive.

Best of Steve O
    And boom goes the dynamite.

Best of dadoctah
You know you're getting old when you look at this and think "how can she sit like that without her knees hurting?"

Best of Submariner
    Little Orphan Annie really grew up nice, didn't she?

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Buck Nekked Orstrallyuns

1. "So, why do they call it 'Lake Candiru?'"

2. Welcome to Fellini Beach, enjoy your stay.

3. "Check it out, Putin's wrestling a Tiger Shark."

4. "Naked White people... invading my beach... Arrrrgh!" And then the president woke up soaked in cold, clammy sweat.

5. Andrew Sullivan sighed, "When did Fire Island become so... provincial."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Yep, you guessed right - it's anal registration day!!

Best of Double the U
    The safe school czar introduces the new school uniforms.

Best of metalgarth
    It's not just you; I'm not understanding the new Rush album cover either!

Best of Submariner
    Uh, Mom? I said I wanted to watch "Lake Placid."
    Not "Lake Flacid..."

Monday, February 24, 2014

Au Revoir, Douche Canoe

1. BJ Clinton shows up on Musket Morgan's showto hawk his new coffee table book, Fat CHicks I Have Plowed. . "Chapter 01: Kathleen Turner."

2.  "How to Host a Successful Talk Show, No, Mr. President, I can't say I've read that one."

3. "And just what inspired you to write Some Bitches Just Need to Keep Their Whore Mouths Shut?"
4. "It's Hillary's Diary from 2012. Naturally, all the pages from September 10 to September 13 are torn out, but, hey, what difference does it make? Am I right?"

5. ORA:  "And once the Kosst Amogen is anointed with innocent blood, it will open and enable us to free the pah-wraiths to unleash a thousand years of horror and auffering. And that's how Hillary will win in 2016."

Best of andthenblammo!
    "Yup, Piers, it's called, Hillary and I: A Love Story,, and all 270 pages are blank! Hoo, boy, aren't I glad we live in different states!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"So the next guy will have the attitude about Hillary , right?" asked President Clinton, "We don't want her to go all Vince Foster again do we?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
  Rhodes scholar was just a cover. I majored in cocaine, weed, bong parties and snaggle-toothed white womyn. I must have 3 or 4 bastards running around over there.

Best of Submariner
    Actually, Piers, old boy, you're better lookin than about half of the women I've bedded... Which gives me a GREAT idea. You up for it?

Best of Jack Reacher
    "This is written by a guy named Ron Paul..."

Best of GregMan
    "This book? It's called the Necronomicon, and it's been a big help to me, particularly where Hill is concerned."

Friday, February 21, 2014

Meanwhile, back at Eliot Spitzer's house...

1. The tolerant, progressive left stops another conservative woman from running for office.

2. Idiots! How is she going to make me a sammitch now?

3. So that's what they were conspiring about as they dreamed by the fire.

4. "Why yes," Hillary cackled. "You will be... sticking around... for a while."

5. 3M buys out 4Chan... breaking...

Best of metalgarth

Best of Dr. Doom
    Yep - there is nothing you can't fix with duct tape...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Welcome back, Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Yes, I see why you warned me not to fall asleep while watching little Elroy!

Best of Dactyl
    Couldn't you just draw a penis on my face like all the other drunk sorority girls?

Best of curly
    Up next on “Duct Tape Dynasty”: Pa brings home something good from Cracker Barrel.

Best of dadoctah
    It says something about the society we live in that with all the varieties of porn just a click away on the internet this is the hottest image I've seen all week.

Best of Markus ARyanas
    Taming her flaming farts.
    Duct tape- FAIL

Best of jimmy
    "Okay, mom--you win! I promise not to text at the dinner table any more. Now can you please cut me loose? It's been over a month."

Best of Submariner
    Hillary cackled; "...and you even had it gift-wrapped for me! Thanks, Bill."

Best of Submariner
    Rachel Madow's "Green Room" is a bit different than most...

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Poutin Putin

1. "Comrade, would it make you feel better if we invaded Finland?"

2. "Have another ocelot sent to my hotel room."

3. "Do not despair, comrade. It happens to all men sometimes."

4. "None of your captions made 'Best ofs' again? Maybe you should ease off on the Sarah Palin bashing and go for more fart jokes, comrade."

5. In Soviet Russia, Ennui has grasp of you. See, some things are exactly the same.

Best of Best of
    Boring to me this Michael Medved is.

Best of Submariner
    Da, comrade Putin; the horse is known for the length of that particular anatomical part. It should not concern you that you don't measure up. You are man, no?

Best of metalgarth
    You mean to tell me I paid $500.00 for Guns 'n Roses tickets and Slash, Izzy, and Duff have all been kicked out?

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "Why can't I get a date with one of the girls from Pussy Riot???"

Best of Jay Guevara
    "Cheer up, Comrade Putin, his visit might not be that bad. Maybe he won't bring Michelle this time."

Best of jimmy
"He's just being a jerk, sir. He's just trying to provoke you. Obama will never be more of an authoritarian fascist than you are, no matter what he says in those bitchy posts to your facebook page."

Best of Dr. Doom
    Thawt bubbleski: "I can't take much more of this curling. If only there were mines under the ice or something..."

Best of GregMan
    Bladski rot, our hockey team is worse than the Buffalo Sabres!

Best of Markus ARyanas
    I can't believe the flower peddles ended on, 'He loves me not'.

Why Should Nuns Have All the Fun

1. "Well, that's that. No more 'Mommy! Mommy! I need my homework! Mommy! Mommy! Make me a sandwich!'"

2. "So, I ordered the pizza, now I just need to cap the delivery boy and, bazinga, I'm a crip!"

3. "I'll just tell the kids all of their pets were sent to a farm."

4. Mrs. Ted Nugent shows off her "eatin' shovel."

5. 'Ow to speak Australian: Feminine Protection

Best of Submariner
    Isn't there ANYthing I can do to get out of PMS?

Best of Submariner
    Go ahead, dub. Come in and make just ONE little off-hand comment about my "fat roll."

Best of metalgarth
    South Park, CO many years from now. "Go on Eric, make one more snide remark about gingers. I. DARE. YOU."

Best of dadoctah
    Tonight: the shocking twist conclusion reveals How I Met Your Mother!

Best of Whacko
    The baby sitter had no problems with the kids at bed time.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
    "Okay, fine. You DO have a soul. Jeez."

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Nuns with Guns

1. "Sister Madeleine, do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France?"

2. Rulers on the knuckles just don't cut it with today's jaded youth.

3. Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Agnes discovered there was no better way to relax than shooting rats at the dump.

4. Kill Francis, a Quentin Tarantino/Samuel Bronkowitz co-production.

5. ORA: "Don't lie, Sister Margaret, you were *aiming* at Lizzie."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "Hey Liberal Freaks, how do you feel about post birth abortion???"

Best of Submariner
    Nobody expects the new-and-improved Inquisition!

Best of Submariner
    Note to self;   NEVER forbid anything to do with Dick to a bunch of nuns!

Best of Dr. Doom
    "No need to consult the book of armaments Brother Maynard. Sister Margaret Mary and I have it memorized," soothed Sister Marjory. And the Lord did grin...

Best of Some Anonymous Guy
    The word of the Eternal Word TV Network (EWTN) is pain.

Best of Dr. Doom
    If the Olympics crossed the Biathlon with The Stations of the Cross, Team Vatican would ROCK...

Best of Dactyl
    How do you solve a problem like Maria? Easy!

Best of Kaptain Krude
    ORA: "They're coming right for us!!"

Best of Submariner
    "Remember the 6th Commandment, Sister Meribeth.
    I only aim for the shoulders, knees, and crotch so I won't kill 'em; I just hurt 'em really bad!

Monday, February 17, 2014

Does Curling Maker You Horny Baby?


Best of Dr. Doom
 On the little known Tenth Plane of Hell, Satan forces tormented souls to watch a never ending curling match...

Best of metalgarth
"The Dark Lord presents a urine sample, therefore we must sacrifice a Star Trek fan on the bullseye in accordance to the divine scrolls"

Best of Best of
    Optical viking loves to wield his parallax

Best of Best of
    Rudy lost his mind after Notre Dame cut him

Best of Logan 5
YOU COULD BE HERE: The winner of the "Best ofs" gets to sit next to VtheK at the curling championship.

Best of Dactyl
    What Minnesota Vikings fans do in the offseason...

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Welcome to CanadaDome! 15 men enter, 15 men leave!"

Best of dadoctah
    Odin has really let himself go.

Friday, February 14, 2014

The Girls of Mericopa County


1. In a more logical and sane universe, Code Pink lines up for their showers and body cavity searches.

2. "OK, Ladies, line up for the ACORN voter registration drive."

3. Free food, free health care, free clothing, free shelter... it's a progressive's dream come true.

Threadweiner Metalgarth
    Looks like the Catholic High School Girls really got in trouble this time.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
These girls were forbidden by a judge, not their mothers, to have anything to do with Dick for awhile

Best of curly
    If Obama had a son, it would look like one of these gals.

Best of Double the U

Best of Best of
The NFL's commitment to equality leads it to mandating that all cheerleadering squads reflect their teams' sportsmanship ethos.

Best of Best of
    "Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Worst SI swimsuit issue EVER

Best of Jay Guevara
    The Democrat Party does indeed have a deep bench.

Best of Dactyl
    This is what happens when illiterates try to dance to 'YMCA'.

Best of Submariner
    Coming this fall on Oxygen...

Best of Submariner
    ORA:  "Is day wear... Vewy nice."

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Attack of the Giant FLOTUS


1. "My dress is blue to match the tears of the peasants."

2. "Back off, superfag, I got this one."

3. "Just a warning, don't get between me and the fries or I will bash your bald frog head in with my eatin' shovel, got it?"

4. Any smaller and that dress would be form-fitting.

5.  Her majesty's $12,000 gown was later donated to the boy scouts, who used it as the main tent at their jamboree.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Poor M'Chel, she thought stuffing all seven dwarfs under her skirt would make her Snow White.....

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I really enjoyed that Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode called "Hush" but cannot recall one of The Gentlemen floating ghouls wearing a blue tarp.

Best of Best of
 "Obama, you cannot forbid me to do anything, especially where Dick is concerned!" "Very well, Francois."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Oh and one more thing Francois, Barak and I are very tired and need a vacation from our current vacation. We will require the exclusive use of the Riviera for the next week or so. See to it immediately and get me some Champale, all of this fancy talkin' makes me thirsty," ordered the First Lady...

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    The 5th Dimension sings "Up, Up and Away in My Beautiful Balloon" and then actually does it.

Best of Submariner
I think we've finally hit the wall on sequels when the Predator "gets in touch with it's feminine side" and starts taking hearts from French politicians...

Best of jimmy
After catching a whiff of M'Chel's breath, Francois found it even harder to ignore his ancestral urge to go into full retreat.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Oooh, I feel so pretty! Like a princess at a fantasy ball!"
    "Shut up, Barack, me and the little guy is talkin'!"
    "Shut up!"

Best of Jay Guevara
    "Stand when you meet a (putative) woman! Oh - you are standing? Sorry."

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Ah mah deahr, we could 'ave what we ehn Frahnce call a menage a troi. What do you theenk, mah lohfely?"
    "You'se mean a menage a four. You be forgettin' about Barack's teleprompter!"

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Show Us Yer TIts

1. Getting Mardi Gras beads from the Safe School Czar; you're *almost* doing it right.

2. The Republicans won the annual congressional basketball game, but hiring young boys to distract Barney Frank and Harry Reid was dirty pool.

3. The coach's legendary hernia checks had them lined up around the gym.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Mother you should choose your words more carefully! You can't forbid me to do anything, especially where Dick is concerned," shouted Bruce to his Mom at the basketball game, "Right Roger?"

Best of Submariner
 I liked the use of the girl with the umlauted y. Wasn't part of the word, but made the presentation WORK!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
When will 90-lb. weakling nerds learn you can't impress cheerleaders with self-inflicted purple nurples?

Monday, February 10, 2014

Putin and Kitteh


1. Twist! Snap! "OK, Comrade, toss me another ocelot." 

2. Whether it's Obama or a feral Jaguar, Obama knows how to handle a pussy.

3. "Don't be ridiculous, Comrade Catski, are no cheezburgers in gulag."

4. ORA: Dick Cheney's used Tijuana whorehouse condom was one of Putin's most prized posessions.

5. "What do you mean Mercury car company no longer exists? What about endorsement deal?"

Best of GregMan
    As expected, Putin was the gold medalist in the 100-yard ocelot toss at the Sochi games.

Best of Dr. Doom
    In Soviet Russia fur coat wears you...

Best of metalgarth

Best of Steve O
 Right after this picture was taken, Putin learned how to talk with Ocelots and became their King.

Best of dadoctah
"I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I save that Dos Equis crap for my little bunny rabbit here."

Best of Submariner
    "...und I vill hug him, und squeeze him, und call him Jorge."

Sunday, February 09, 2014

Storm Troopers Dilemma.

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Oh Mighty Gaia, please help me to find the droids we are looking for", intoned the Storm Trooper...

Best of Submariner
    Almighty Force, hear me: I know it's wrong but if you can get Vader to spend just ONE night with me, I promise to devote myself to the spread of the dark side forever!

Best of Submariner
    Gaia; how can I prove my love for Dick Cheney in a way that makes him notice me?

Best of Steve O
    1st galaxy problems...

Best of Submariner
    What galaxy will you be in when your laxative kicks into hyperdrive?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    I've suffered gender confusion and ridicule my entire life. Who names their kid Dick Tracy? Some call me Dick, some call me Tracy. Now, I'll go incinerate them all!

Friday, February 07, 2014

You're Gonna Like This Reboot

1.Horny, Kinky, Sadistic, Insatiable, Submissive, Hung,and, of course, Dopey.

2. "Hi, ho... Hi, ho..." not a song, just the standard greeting.

3. Bashful, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy . . . and those are just the side effects!

4. "Yes, tell Mr. Putin his FantaSuite is ready."

5. Remember when the Disney Channel was "Lizzie McGuire" and "The Paper Brigade?" That was a l-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-n-g time ago.

Thursday, February 06, 2014

Hey, Look, She's Makin' Me a Sammitch

Best of AA
    Lunch is over, back to the library.

Best of  Submariner
   I LOVE "Sweeps Week" on the Food Network!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    I love blondes. They can't multitask. It's an either or... open fridge or pull up jeans.

Best of  Kaptain Krude
    Well, at least she's in the kitchen.

Best of DaveP.
    If your first though on seeing this picture was, "There's meat on the counter! Yuck!"... you might be a metrosexual.

Best of divine miss m
    Skankwear: clothes that look as good on you -- and on the kitchen floor -- as they do wadded up on the floor of some guy's Mazda.

Best of racerboy
    Does this mayo smell OK to you??

Sorry I Missed Wednesday, I Am Overworked, Also, Lost Internet Due to Ice Storm, Also, Possibly Losing My Mind

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Boom Chicka-Bom

1.What's Miley Cyrus gone and done now.

2. I know it's the Clinton Presidential Library, but *which* Clinton Presidential Library?

3. And this is why the library never again chose a Howard Stern book for the Saturday reading circle.
Best of Double the U
    Behind the scenes photo from the casting call of the Human Centipede.

Best of  metalgarth
    Samuel L Bronkowitz presents "Catholic High School Girls on the Honor Role in Trouble"

Best of  Kaptain Krude
    Ah. The Do-Me Decimal System. Nothing to see here, move along now.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    I don't mind being put on a pedestal, but I won't be laid on a bookshelf!

Best of Jack Reacher
    "I'm looking for an epic. My last boyfriend was filed under Short Stories, if you know what I mean."

Best of mega
    Common Core Annual School Assesment: B-
    Library social activities moving in correct direction (though still single-sex), but overall progress hampered by lack of transexual bathrooms.

Best of mega
    You'd think Woody Allen could afford better bookcases for his house. Those are obviously particle board.

Best of  Submariner
Kinda hard to have a conjunction junction when you only have receiver couplings on the train cars. Just sayin...

Best of  Submariner
    If this display doesn't pull SOTG out of hiding, I think we can safely take his picture off the milk cartons...

Monday, February 03, 2014

Tickle Me Rob Ford

1. "Hey, did you know Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to play me in the movie? What do you mean, 'too soon?"

2. "Deodorant is for sissies. I just splash some Molson into my armpits"

3. "Is that the CN Tower in your pocket, or are you just happy to see meh?"

4. "C'mon, Rob, tell me what was in the brownies."

5. "You know, Rob, in that Broncos jersey, you look like the Kool-Aid Man." 

Best of Best of 
    Pillsbury Snow Boy

Best of  curly
    A kinder, gentler TSA...

Best of  Markus ARyanas
    Yes you are! Coochie, coochie, coo!

Best of  Jack Reacher
    "Love handles? Yes, they're real, and they're spectacular."

Best of  Jack Reacher
    "We'll always have Windsor."

Best of  Submariner
    Ohmuhgrd, Rob; you're hung like a hockey puck!

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
    Brokeback Mountain Revisited:
    "Many many years later...."

Best of  dadoctah
    Lamaze: ur doin it rong.

Best of  metalgarth
    The "Tickle Me Rush Limbaugh" doll never really caught on....

Best of  curly
    The foreplay portion of the Tickle Me Prostate game is hilarious.

Saturday, February 01, 2014