Saturday, March 30, 2013

Senator Menendez! Get Out of That Bunny Suit This Instant!


Best of dadoctah
Chaz Bono: The Day Things First Went Wrong.

Best of prince of leaves
Daffy, Elmer, and Sam were also fired when investigators revealed they took no action after learning his "Wild Hare" charity was really a front for grooming Bugs' child victims.

Best of metalgarth
Beware kiddies, some Rodents of Unusual Size did escape the fire swamp.

Best of  Submariner
ORA: It's ok, Penny; that's your Uncle Gadget!

Are You Creeped Out Yet?

Virgin Atlantic, Now with Cloaking Devices on Select Flights

H/T Racerboy


Drudge LateBreaking: In an attempt to avoid continuing criticism for her monthly vacations, M'Chel Obama employs Klingon cloaking technology on her outgoing flights....DEVELOPING.. - Jimmy

Friday, March 29, 2013


1. "Don't mind if I do, Senator Crapo."

2. Someone just saw her new health care premium under Obamacare.

3. The spirit of Ted Kennedy lives on.

4. Considering this is one of the engineers who designed North Korea's targeting software... Austin has nothing to worry about.

5. Downing a bottle of Jack twice a day was a grueling ritual, but Kim was determined to become an embarrassing shambling wreck like her role model - Margaret Cho.

Feminist Logic

This is why men turn ghey.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Lady, Smiths, Blacks, and a Bozo


"I think I'm going to kill myself"

1. Family Reunions between the Dunhams and the Obamas always went awry at some point. 

2. Charles Thoughtbubble: "Damn that butler's hearing, I told him to bring me some fresh pairs of knickers." 

3. "Dammit, I told you kaffirs not to start the sacrifice until I finished singing 'God Save the Queen!'"

4. Charles's Thoughtbubble. 

5.  "And now that the cannibals have finished consuming my rivals to the throne, pass me the damn scepter. Allahu Akbar!"

Best of Jay Guevara
"I hereby call this meeting of the Detroit City Council to order. Or as close to order as they can come."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"That racist honky prince requested Camptown Races..."

Best of prince of leaves
"I say...someone needs to tell these chaps that polka-dotted pyjamas are not appropriate in a church." - thought the divorced adulterer.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I see that Old Navy had a sale."
Far off over the horizon, the sound of one Dawn's head popping could be heard.

Best of Spin
"The natives are revolting"

Best of champaignken
ORA - "Look grandfather - Nubians!"

Best of Submariner
ORA "...everybody takes Queen."

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "Every one of them is more appealing than Camilla..."

Best of GregMan
"How nice, they even have a cookbook to give us as a present."

Best of jimmy
"Oh, goodness, is this that clever little 'Jackson Five' group I've heard so much about? Which one is that weird chap, Michael?"

Best of Dr. Doom
Charles: "Camilla and I would like to welcome the entire diplomatic Corps of Namibia to our humble estate..."
Camilla: "Dayuuuuum!"

It's the Easter Twink Charlie Brown

Best of Submariner
Tonight on "Joani Loves Chachi:" After a visit to Fire Island, Chachi leaves Joani for what he THINKS is a Playboy Bunny. Hilarity ensues when he brings "her" home to meet the Fonz...

Best of Submariner
"Did you know that there are DOZENS of uses for surfboard wax?"

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

You'll Find Out Soon Enough, Pillow-Biter

1. The City of Hell, Michigan, introduces a spectacularly unsuccessful Tourism campaign.
2. The Westboro Baptist Church was concerned that some of the new recruits "Just didn't get it."
3. Satanic Church membership fell 70% after the new ad campaign featuring their new mascot, "Pinky: The Gay 'In Yer Face' Imp."
4. Andrew Sullivan's loathing of the Roman Catholic Church finally catches up with his desperate need for attention.
5. Not only did Brucie steal the spotlight, he somehow got hold of the Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver.

Best of metalgarth
When did Elton John do a cover of Shout at the Devil?

Best of dadoctah
In an alternate universe, the Statue of Liberty was a gift not from France, but from West Los Angeles.

Best of Jay Guevara
Somewhere a father is shaking his head sadly and pouring himself a strong drink.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Well, Satan did have a gay affair with Saddam Hussein that one time.

Best of Submariner
The case FOR unlimited drone strikes within the country: Exhibit 1.

Best of Submariner
Wait; That's NOT Prada!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Do These People Realize They're Freaks?

I, for one, have never been more grateful for a black rectangle in my entire life.

All in all...

1. The Stimulus-Paid inspirational mosaics were intended to keep up workers spirits as they waited in line for food rations.

2. They both thought reception on the Telescreen was a bit crappier than usual, but they didn't dare say it out loud.

3/ "Praise Allah he still denies being a Muslim. Would you want to be in the same religion with that Stuttering Clusterf-ck of a miserable failure, Fatima?"

4. "You know, Fatima, there's a very, very good reason Al Qaeda has not tried to kill that guy."

5/ "That must be one of those Vagina Billboards we've been reading about."

Best of Rodney Dill
It's a mosaic made up of photo's of every golf outing Obama's had since being in office....

Best of metalgarth
Alternate Reality #23467D.1
"There is no God but Allah, and Todd Bridges is his prophet"

Best of  ColoradoPatriot
The bath house just doesn't have the same vibe since they hired Andrew Sullivan to redo the shower room.

Best of prince of leaves
"Il Dufe ha sempre ragione!"

Best of Dr. Doom
It is just amazing what can be made from the shards of Amerikkka's broken dreams...

Best of Jack Reacher
"I see what you mean. No matter how I move, his eyes follow my wallet."

Because I Like Spiders, That's Why

Friday, March 22, 2013

Gigantic Asses

1. "Nice move, M'Chel, gutting Gordon Ramsey with your b'atleth." "Shut up, p'tagh, and help me eat his entrails."

2. "Thanks for the tour of the White House Kitchen, M'Chel. Why are there 101 Dalmatian carcasses in the meat locker?"

3. Big Bird: "Can you believe 51% of voters thought keeping me hip deep in Federal subsidies was more important than economic growth or sound fiscal policy?"

4. Big Bird: "My brother is a real bad-ass; he's kicked the sh-t out of Peter Griffin like half a dozen times."

5. "Wow! You sh-t in the sink too? So, do I?"

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Big Bird: "This is a nice kitchen and.... why are you approaching me with that shovel?"

Best of metalgarth
Just curious M'Chel. Why did you want me to bring a huge bag of croutons and some gravy?

Best of dadoctah
"Bert and Ernie would never tell you this, but they're really pleased with your positive stance on their committed same-sex relationship. Just watch out for Elmo, because he's going to try to push for the same kind of acceptance of touching young boys."

Best of GregMan
"Am I mostly white meat or dark meat? Isn't it kind of racist to ask me that, M'Chel?"

Best of Dactyl
Which one of us is hallucinating, do you think?

Best of Kaptain Krude
Why do I have the feeling that M'Chel'l will have a new yellow feather boa to wear at the next Obama speech reading?

Best of prince of leaves
Cryptozoologists were excited by new photographic evidence proving the existence of both the Roc and Sasquatch.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

What Does It Mean?

1. Residents of Cherry Hill NJ prepare for a visit from Senator Bob Menendez and his standard request for "access" to their underage daughters.

2. The "No" hand tattoo has definitely gotten too trendy.

3. "OK, who wants to have sex with Hillary? Show of hands?"

Best of Gregman</>
The American Society Of Women With Dyslexia says it's "ON".

Best of Dr. Doom
In later years the Obamacare Death Panel resorted to tattoos to indicate which Americans were worthy of medical treatment. This is the League of Republican Women Voters ca. 2027...

Best of prince of leaves
"And what sound does the Anti-Rape Moose make?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Alas, the Clummitsburg architectural control committee just voted down Bert's purple fence.

Best of metalgarth
Alternate Universe #23B: under V the K's reign of terror, if you aren't "Thursday Material", you'll be branded for life.

Best of ColoradoPatriot
Kobe! Not over here!

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Grumpy Cat supporters unite!

Best of Dactyl
Can anybody think of a funny caption for this photo?

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

A Twink Who's Outstanding in His Field

1. "I just pooped a turd THIS big."

2. Ang Lee shoots his first "Wheat Thins" commercial.

3. Irreparably Traumatized by what he saw in the Executive Washroom, a former State Department intern is confined to a sanatorium in Kansas, where he can only communicate in grunts and gestures.

4. "He's got the whole world... in his hands... he's got the whole wide world, in his hands.."

5. How to tell if the farmer next door is ghey; this is his scarecrow.

Best of Double the U
Corn hole? No let me explain grains to you.

Best of Dactyl
In a modern re-telling of the classic Edgar Rice Burroughs tale, Mayor and Mrs. John Clayton of Greystoke, Iowa perish while lost in a corn maze at the state fair, leaving behind their infant son, who is found and raised by gophers...

Best of prince of leaves
"'Triticum vulgare'? Sorry, I'm not into that kinky stuff, Sen. Reid."

Best of prince of leaves
Trevor minces through a grove of aspens in the SyFy Original P0rno Musical: "Attack of the 200-Foot Twink".

Best of Submariner
...and then Anderson Cooper woke up.

Best of Joshua
He's young, conservative, and from the Midwest. But, he's also open to new ideas and he's slightly gay. Please welcome our new guest blogger here at [conservative web site].

Best of Kaptain Krude
The hills are alive,
with the sound of twinkness...

Monday, March 18, 2013

Fine China

Awesomest Headline

Soda-Obsessed Mayor of Illiterate City to Convene Climate Change Summit in World’s Rape Capital

1. And representing the current ideological range of the Democrat Party (L-R) k.d. lang, Creed Bratton, the Lord Mayor of Munchkinland, and Malcolm X.

2. Andrew Sullivan was relieved when Bloomberg told him that 64 oz. soda bottles could still legally be used for anal penetration.

3. Mayor Bloomers warns the city about a new outbreak of "Boogie Fever."

4. Mayor Bloomberg and Rachel Maddow open the left-wing counterpart to CPAC, Democrats United for More Bureaucracy.

5. Rachel Maddow not only farts on the American flag, she hand wafts the fumes onto it.

Best of GregMan
Bloomie shows why his next act of liberal paternalism will be to ban the "Harlem Shake". This time, no one objects.

Best of Submariner
"How happy are GEICO customers saving money, Timmy?"
"Happier than a four-pack of hard-left-loons announcing new ways to mandate a legally-imposed-by-mayoral-fiat redaction to the liberties of all right-wing, Bible-believing, gun-owning, freedom-loving, conventional-morals-supporting, patriotic citizens, Jimmy."

Best of Dr. Doom
The mayor's sign language translator tries to keep up with his rationalizations and accidentally shuffles off to Buffalo...

Best of Submariner
stupid, butch and signing is no way to spend your life, son...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Bloomberg shamed the laughing crowd by saying, "Give her some room. Epilepsy is not as fun as it looks, people."

Best of Artfldgr
It was awful sir, i kept pushing Quinns head back as she kept telling me i really wanted it...

Best of Kaptain Krude
Why do I hear Rachel proclaiming that she is "Rachel Maddow!" a la Team America's Matt Damon?

Old Scratch

"The Bible" Miniseries really nailed it when they cast Satan.

Best of prince of leaves "Slide up ass with care? Preposterous. That would mean removing my butt closures." Best of Dr. Doom Now it all makes sense... Inventive and ruthless scavenger - check. Nasty disposition when confronted - check. skulks about taking the fruits of others' labor - check. ...the President is a Jawa! Best of metalgarth I guess Palpatine went to some bath houses in Chicago to get a new apprentice. Best of Rodney Dill Terrible job of type casting... I'm sure the devil looks a whole lot more like Obama than this guy does. Best of Submariner Wonder if Chrissy Matthews got a thrill down his leg when Satan appeared Sunday night? Best of Dactyl Tried to Force-lightning Samuel L. Jackson, and now I look like this. Black-on-black violence has got to end! Best of Carpe Phlogiston On his visit to Israel, Obamalama goes out for an early morning walk and gets lost in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights. Nobody misses him, though his teleprompter suffers a mild case of separation anxiety.

Friday, March 15, 2013

The Senile Dingbat From California (One of Several, Actually)

Sondra K

Diane Feinstein is so old...

#WhenDianeFeinsteinWasIn6thGrade John McCain was still in Huggies.
#WhenDianeFeinsteinWasIn6thGrade A kid got suspended for bringing a ballista to class.
#WhenDianeFeinsteinWasIn6thGrade Her basketball cheer was "Go Laurasia, Beat Gondwanaland."
#WhenDianeFeinsteinWasIn6thGrade The ink on the Constitution was still wet
#WhenDianeFeinsteinWasIn6thGrade the periodic table had four elements in it.
#WhenDianeFeinsteinWasIn6thGrade the lightbulb was considered a "charming theory.
#WhenDianeFeinsteinWasIn6thGrade She had to memorize all 22 state capitols
#WhenDianeFeinsteinWasIn6thGrade Adolph Hitler was known as a fairly stable veteran of the Geeat War #WhenDianeFeinsteinWasIn6thGrade Abe Lincoln hadn't killed his first vampire yet.
#WhenDianeFeinsteinWasIn6thGrade Yoda was still a Padawan.

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
This is how I eat a corn dog, too. I don't just hold it sideways and lick butter off the kernels.

Best of  GregMan
"No, Mr. Cruz, Gavin Newsome sucks it like this, with his left hand! I should know, I taught him!"

Best of  jimmy
DiFi so old...her social security number is 4.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I'm not a sixth-grader," DiFi pounded on the desk for emphasis. "I just have a sixth-grader's view of the Constitution!"

Best of  Submariner
Looks like they're making the remake of C.H.U.D. MUCH, MUCH scarier than the original...

Made Me Lol

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Too Soon?

1 "Hi, Mom!"

2. Yeah, the Vatican went with an old white guy. They considered picking a completely inexperienced but charismatic African guy, but then they realized that would have been a total disaster.

3. Much like runners-up in the Miss America pageants, the other Cardinals tore down the new Pope with catty comments in the dressing room.

Best of Spin
    First order of business: a crusade to reclaim the Malvinas.

Best of  dadoctah
ORA: "The name's Francis, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, and I'll kill you."

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
The remake of Dr. Strangelove takes an odd turn when the war room is set in a Vatican bunker.

Best of  Rodney Dill
"I didn't get a harumph from that guy."

Best of  GregMan
    "Fetch me the Holy Hand Grenade Of Antioch!"

Best of  Rodney Dill
    "All you wops get off the lawn."

Best of Scotty G.
    Wearing white before Memorial Day?!

Best of Jack Reacher
    The opening ceremonies at Comic-Con get weirder every year.

Best of  kg
    "....Don't cry for me, Vatican City..."

Skanks and Friends

1. "Is that a half-baked conspiracy theory in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

2. The babes from InfoWars went over way better than the gimps from PrisonPlanet.

3. "OK, the one on the left can talk to me about Ron Paul, the one on the right is too much of a butterface."

4. "Oh, please, officer, don't arrest and lock us in a hot, sweaty prison cell. Under all that tension, the resulting erotic catfight would be just too unbearable."

5. "Cool! I told you there was one straight cop in Austin. And we found him!"

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Rino's on the Storm

1. "I dunno, John, it sure *looks like* a genital wart."

2. "Yup, crapped 'em again."

3. "Well, it's been four hours. We better take you to a doctor. (H/T TC @ Acebook)"

4. "No, not here... meet me in the old bat cave in five minutes."

5. "Oh, I see, it's like a penis, only smaller."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Cindy got me this lacy corset set for my birthday but the mofo garter straps are chafing me bad.

Best of  Submariner
Sorry, John; Hillary's is MUCH larger...

Best of Submariner
"Heckuva scar; musta hurt when the Cong did that to you! Did you break?"

Best of kg
I'd show you mine, but I don't have one.

Best of GregMan
"Yeah, apparently we're supposed to have those things called 'balls' down there..."

Best of dadoctah
What exactly does Prince Albert have to do with it?

Cattle Drive


1. "Hey, mind if I steer for a while?"

2. Bessie thought the "Don't Hitch Hike!" warnings were overblown, but she ended up on a barbecue, just like the rest of them.

3. Janet Napolitano continues her tour of border areas.

4. Normally, cops in California would be inclined to write a ticket for expired plates, lack of a roof, removal of installed safety equipment, no license, no insurance, indecency with an animal, littering, unsecured cargo, drunk driving, and cattle rustling. But if they did, they would just get called racists, so they let this guy pass.

5. "You know, Frank, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

Best of Submariner
Later, Bessie would find out why they call them "cow pokes..."

Best of Rodney Dill
Actually its a lot more like brown poopon than grey.

Best of dadoctah
Where minotaurs come from: Southwestern edition.

Best of Rodney Dill
In Texas, Coward ain't being chicken, its just a direction.

Best of Rodney Dill
I wish I knew how to quit you.

Best of GregMan
Yet another H1-B goes to work at IBM.

Best of Rodney Dill
(Bumper sticker)
Pamplona or Bust

Best of Kaptain Krude
The only good things to come out of Texas are steers and queers. Which one are yo.., oh. Never mind.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
You're going to fast.
Are we there yet?
When can we stop for some alfalfa?
I need to tinkle.
You're going to slow.
Are we there yet?
We shoulda turned left back there.
Driver Thawtbubble: Soon I can haz hamburger.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Putting a modern spin on the Paul Bunyan and Blue Ox legend did nothing good for NBC's ratings.

Hell's Twink


1.Factoid: Before becoming an Oscar winning director, Ang Lee directed commercials for Underwood Deviled Ham.

2. "Get thee behind me, Satan!" exclaimed an excited Harry Reid. 

3. Harvey Milk High School presents their spring musical adaptation of Little Nicky.

4. "I always felt like I was a demon trapped in a human body," explained Rick after announcing ACLU support for his lawsuit.

5. Sometimes, Amish teens go way, way too far during their Rumspringa. 

Best of metalgarth
I like the old Slayer album covers much better.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Please allow me to introduce myself I'm a man of wealth and taste."

Best of Rodney Dill
Hey Hugo Chavez... Welcome to my neighborhood.

Best of Submariner
New Jersey fans are just plain wierd!

Best of prince of leaves
ST:ORA - For an uncomfortable but intriguing moment, Kirk found himself aroused by yet another strangely-colored alien with contrived Western mythological symbolism.

Best of prince of leaves
Oddly enough, trailer-trash demons get reverse wifebeater tan lines.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Some congressional interns have an easy time fitting in with the legislative mindset.

Best of Submariner
When AoM said she wanted to get a little devilish on Tuesday, AoD first got excited. Then he came home to this...

Dickweed of the Day

No caption, I just think people who do this should have their intestines eaten by wild birds.

Monday, March 11, 2013


1. "Greg" logs in to spam Ace.Mu.Nu once again.

2. And if there were a infinite number of them typing on an infinite number of laptops, would they produce Horton Hears a Who? 

3. "'Scuse me while I log into UrbanDownLow-dot-com, I got Barack thinking I'm a Hot Hung Pakistani who likes blow and to blow."

4. M'Chel works on her USA Today efdtiorial. "This country has too many hungry poor in it and a surplus of cake, therefore, let me propose an elegant solution..."

5. "And here's a place that will make you a solid gold birfday cake in the shape of a Lamborghini  We'll have to send Air Force 1 to Dubai to pick it up but, what the hell, you only turn 50 once."

6. "Dear Acme Reinforced Chair Company..."

Best of Acebook

DSA "50 yo B/W Bi Curious looking for other bi curious partner. Drag Queens prefered."

BG Welcome to Enterprise, how may I help you?

JDA Barry didn't clear his browser history. OMG!!! Naked pictures of himself!! Narcissist in Chief.

FG "now that those f'n kids aren't touring my house, I can cruise Wookie Pron"
about an hour ago

TBZ "Larry Sinclair"? Who the hell is Larry Sinclair?

FG "Reggie Love cleared his last weeks calendar in July. Looks like I don't have to put up with whats-his-name"

GD: A/S/L?

RC: Google Search: "Ribs and fries in DC"

DH:  "Yep, here I am sitting at my laptop in pearls and a $1,400 designed dress, just like a regular American."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Dear Penthouse, I never thought those letters in your magazine were real, until just the other day..."

Best of GregMan
Now we know where all those damn screaming goat videos are coming from.

Best of Submariner
"I enjoyed your site, informative very and will be sure to recommend all my friends.
Online Essay Writer."

Best of Submariner
Dear Home Depot; The last batch wore out in only a few months. Please send a gross more eatin shovels...

Best of Submariner
"Dear Ethan Allen,
Can you send me 12 yards of your beautiful 'Florida Day Room' material for my birthday dress?"

Best of metalgarth
"My verification word is ggy'atyp. What does the V the K think I am? A Klingon?"

Best of Queso Grande
"Lessee.....account number from the Jersey Island account, and then off to the Damascus account.....whoooosh! Off to the Swiss account to land, clean as a whistle......hit enter......"
"And Neither Barry or that F'ing Reggie gonna know 'bout dis stash....."

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
Dear Barrister Ishmael, Of course I'll help you retrieve your rich dead uncle's $31 million in untraceable currency hidden under a coconut tree on the Côte d'Ivoire! Sounds like a piece of cake.

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
After your free virus scan reported the entire White House computer system is filled with viruses, I clicked INSTALL, it ran and now says all 114 problems have been resolved! Very impressive!! Do I send the $89.95 directly to your offices in Shandong Province? Checks are accepted with driver's license AND social security numbers, right?

Best of  Rodney Dill
"Oooo a Quizilla... I love these... let's see -- Which Feminine Hygiene Product Are You?"

Best of  Rodney Dill
"This is just a bunch of stupid cat pictures... where the hell's the cheeseburgers?"

Best of  Rodney Dill
"Dear Strong Bad...."

Fill in The Geezer's Thought-Bubble

1. "I still can't believe HBO made a show about fat, dumb, promiscuous, overprivileged Girls and didn't invite Meghan."

2. "Dammit, laxative, kick in! Kick in, dammit!:

3. "There are punk kids in my yard, I just know it!"

4. "Let's see, what can I do to f--k over the party today?"

5. "Aw, f-ck, I was sure that was going to be a fart."

Best of  Submariner
Almost lunchtime. Wonder if I have time to walk through the Inflatable Colon after this?

Best of Rodney Dill

Best of Jack Reacher
"No matter what this guy says, I'm not buying the extended warranty."

Best of dadoctah
ORA: "Four-thirty, time for Wapner...."

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
This reminds me of that Amway sales spiel Boehner tricked me into attending. Fancy charts, vague promises and misleading statistics... politics is a lot like MLM schemes.

Best of Scotty G.
"Okay Senator, now show us the "Maverick" face.

Best of jimmy
Scientists revealed today that they have discovered portals to 908,564 parallel universes. It was immediately noted that none of the parallel earths surveyed thus far had John McCain winning their version of the 2008 election, either.

Best of Joshua
After a rough week John was looking forward to participating in the Celebrity Dead Pool. But, it didn't make him feel any better when he discovered that someone had picked him.

JJ and Spicoli Mourn a Tyrant

1. Two guys who went full retard and never came back.

2. "I know, Jesse, wouldn't it be cool if America could have a ruler who bypassed Congress to impose laws, confiscated wealth, and nationalized industry with the full support of a media complex that was completely supportive of everything he did. It would be so awesome."

3. "Jesse... is it... twoo?"

4. "No... *I* hate America more!"

5. The argument who had the most STD's ... Madonna or Tamara Holder... continued well into the night."

Best of GregMan
"Aw, man, Jesse, first Hitler, then Stalin, then Pol Pot, and now Hugo... why do the good ones always go so soon?"

Best of Submariner
Yea, I know they've yellowed; but I quit using that "white power" toothpaste in solidarity with your people...

Best of Jack Reacher
For the last time, Jesse, I'm not The Snowman. That was just a movie role. However, I am holding...

Official Toothpaste of SXSW

Friday, March 08, 2013

Women Drivers

1. A spontaneous karaoke performance of "Word Up," Next on 'Those Whacky Zionists.'

2. "We've got spirit, yes, we do, we got spirit... hold on a second... RAT-ATAT-ATAT-ATAT-ATAT! Yea! Bite it, Rug-Kisser!... anyway... we got spirit, how bout you?"

3. "Hold on, we can't shoot until our nails are dry."

4. "He put the wrong captions under us! What a monor!"

5. "I saw the space first, you bitch!"

Best of blue
"Where is that boy from the internet that we want to have sex with?"

Best ofRodney Dill
Whaddya mean dis ain't Pismo Beach!

Best of Rodney Dill
Hummer? I don't even know her.

Best of Jack Reacher
"..and another thing--What is the deal with army food?"

Best of GregMan
"We don't need a man to change a tire!!! OK, who knows how to change a tire? Sally? Rebecca? Anyone?"

The RINO and the Lion

1 Rand Paul: "Going Down Senator McCain? Ha, look who I'm asking?"

2 Rand Paul: "Did I miss dinner with the SCOAMF? Oh, sorry, I was too busy SAVING THE FUCKING CONSTITUTION!"

3. Landslide McCain: "I suppose you think I'm what they call a 'useful idiot.'"Rand Paul: "I never said 'useful.'"

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Unleash the Andrew Sullivan jokes

Walk through giant inflatable colon! Learn what it's like to be a member of the Washington Press Corps! 


 Also featuring an interview with the wold's gayest cancer survivor.

For the Lulz

Separated at Birth

Ace, others call out Sen. Evie Hudak on effort to keep guns from women in ‘their best interest’

The Difference Between...

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

In Memorium

Best of chronos the wonder pig
as teenagers, they met on a sailboat - this rest is gay history

Best of M'Chel
no wonder the only thing getting banged in the white house is my hair!!

Best of Double the U
So this is how America gave Chevez cancer.... GAY CANCER!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The ghey Goa'uld symbiote fondly remembers the day the baton was passed, so to speak.

Best of  Submariner
Barry's thawt bubble; "Rotted plantain breath, far too tight a reach around grip, taking my wallet while holding my waist, and hocking a loogey to finish... Still, it could be worse; it could be M'Chel..."

Best of  Whacko
Be a danged shame if whatever killed Chevez is contagious.

Ang Lee, Titanic, yadda yadda yadda

I think I'm going to kill myself.

1 "I'm Queen of the World!"
2. The real reason for the problems on Carnical Triumph? The captain was "distracted."
3. Believe it or not, this is an excellent metaphor for our national economic situation. We're headed for the iceberg, full speed, but all anybody cares about is whether these guys will ever get married.
4. Ricky and Devon celebrate the Cure for AIDS by enjoying unprotected buttsecks on the prow of David Geffen's yacht.
5. The "Sailing Merit Badge" was never the same after the Boy Scouts went gay.

Best of metalgarth
No one really wanted to see hoe Gilligan became the Skipper's "little buddy".

Best of Submariner
"John Kerry; the early years"
After the break, John begins personally-directed training for his voluntary arduous service in Cambodia.

Best of  blue
there is a "firing the torpedo" joke around here somewhere......

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Billy shows Timmy the difference between the blue water Navy & the brown water navy

Best of  Spineless Vertebra
Ang Lee remakes "The Passion of the Christ"
(And straight to hell I go)

Best of prince of leaves
"Captain's Mast?" Tyler asked, puzzled. "What's that, sir?"

Twink Tuesday One-Shot

"I think I'm going to kill myself."

1. "Hey! Thanks, Kobe."

Just This

Best of Rodney Dill
Texans don't do cowtipping, they're into sterner stuff.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Wow, the ObamaCare death panels affect more than we thought........

Best of racerboy
ORA: "Ah swear, tracter-trailers is SOOO dumb!!!"

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
Well that's the last time I'm playing follow the leader!

Monday, March 04, 2013

What the Hell Is That?

1. "All right, then, Vice President Biden... *you* pull my finger."

2. "Nope, it's not tuna. Smell my finger and guess again."

3. "We plan to build the Bitter Clinger Internment Camp right over there."

4.  "Mr President, stop staring at my fingertip and look at the thing I am pointing at!"

5. "Now, to fully satisfy the first lady's appetite would require a trough of french fries thirty meters long, about the distance to those bushes over there."

Best of Double the U
♪ ♪ Look over there! (where?) There goes Reggie and his new boyfriend...♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Best of Submariner
The Obamessiah didn't get an "Amen!" from that fella over there!

Best of Joshua
John wakes up in the hospital. "Well, let's see. I remember pointing to the 3rd grader in the second row who had a difficult question for the President. Someone yelled 'GUN!' And, that's the last thing I remember."

Best of GregMan
"...and right THERE is where we'll put the marble statue of you, Mr. President, and next to that the gold statue, and next to that..."

Best of Artfldgr
Look! i think i see one more job you can crush!

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
It's not your job, idiot! The teleprompter will be right there feeding you your lines. Stop ad libbing!

Best of  Rodney Dill
Third door on the left... you should've thought of that before you left.

Best of curly
"No Sir, you're wrong....Mecca is that way."

Best of  Steve O
"You didn't get a HARUMPH! out of that man right there."