Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Nerd Herd

1. "Recite every script of 'Dr Who' from memory? Challenge Accepted!"

2. "We have to pay for Sandra Fluke's contraceptives? In what way is that fair?"

3. "For our project, we've constructed a fully-functional Varon-T disruptor. The next jock who tries to wedgie us will meet a brutal and unpleasant death."

4. "In short, Mr Abrams, if you f-ck up Star Wars, we will personally cut your nuts off."

5. "Yes, there did used to be five of us. But then Billy said Janeway was a better captain than Picard, so we killed and ate him."

Best of blue
"Hi, I'm Suzie & these arethe boys who make me air-tight......"

Best of GregMan
"...and the finalists in the 2013 Will Never Get Laid contest are..."

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
VARIETY January Issue: Demands for exponential pay increases by the original cast of Big Bang Theory were rejected. One was killed off in the script by a tragic chem lab explosion, the four others replaced by winners of the Science Olympiad who accepted offers of free pocket protectors and one full hour at Mustang Ranch.

Best of Submariner
The Four Horsemen of the Apoplexis

Best of racerboy
Another meeting-filled afternoon at the Future Middle Managers Club Summer Camp.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Alright everyone,." intoned Chaswell, "This meeting of the Nerds Demanding Coitus League will now come to order..."

So, How Was Your Commute


"Hey, you guys down for a round of high-heels pick-up basketball?"

Best of dadoctah
"Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice...."

Best of  metalgarth
it's tough being a Mexican Sith Lord

Best of prince of leaves
And then Ann Althouse awoke from her nightmare...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Man, look at that. Wearing a plaid button-up shirt. What a weirdo, eh?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Darth Vadar does his best to blend in on the way to the illegal alien immigration hearings.

Best of Submariner
Whoa, AMIGO!
Go a little easier on the frijoles manana, eh?

Best of dadoctah
"I have HAD it with these muffler-huggin' snakes on this muffin-luggin'...wait, what?"

Best of Dr. Doom
The Majority Whip keeps order at a meeting of the California Democrat Caucus...

Best of Steve O
His hat does not match his shoes, or his belt. (snicker.)
Otherwise, everything on this San Francisco bus seems normal.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Meanwhile, In Barney Frank's Basement

Best of dadoctah
The all-Canadian crew prepare to shoot the sawmill scene from Ang Lee's "Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties".

Best of champaignken
Item number one on Jim Nabors wedding register list. Can buy one or the whole set. Also see water based lube.

Who Wears Short Shorts

1. "Sorry, Ian, but the current Safe School Czar decided to stick around for another term."

2. Little Known Fact: 'Dr. Frank N. Furter also lettered in basketball in high school.'

3. You have to wonder if a parent ever yelled at him, "No son of mine is going out looking like a Folsom Street hooker."

4. Studies say most children raised by gay couples grow up healthy and normal; then again, this is what they consider healthy and normal.

5. Sometimes you just look at the Westboro Baptists and say, "I kind of see your point."

 Best of GregMan
Now THERE'S someone who must really like his celery.

Best of metalgarth
"The Fire Island Globetrotters" must be in town

Best of metalgarth
Ang Lee presents "Hoosiers"

Best of Spin
Trey Parker and Matt Stone just finished "BASEketball II-Kobe I'm Open"

Monday, January 28, 2013

Nicer Breasts

Because I got nothin'

More Women Who Are Not Decorations

1. Unshaved European Ladypits are a clear violation of the Geneva Convention.

2. "Can we put our sweaters back on? It's as cold as one of our tits out here."

3. "I can't believe you guys forgot to bring the tooth and the eyeball."

4. Standard Cap #14: "Confident! Confident! Dry and Secure!"

5. The Dixie Chicks are pretty desperate for attention these days.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Wakey Wakey

1. Someone on 4Chan had to bring up Asian-Bestiality-Watersports Pr0n.

2. Had this been an actual "Obama and the Mainstream Media" metaphor, the girl would be actively licking the dog's nutsack while he was pissing in her face.

3. Someone's going to end up as "General Tso's 'beef''" tonight.

4. "This is for cutting me off at Exit 21, bitch!"

5. It was a very short journey from fetish pr0n to local news for Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa

Six Words

Quite the ORA

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Standardized Tests and the People Who Love Them

1. "This is quite an impressive resume. What exactly is a "fluffer?"

2. "Now, sign here and your eternal soul is mine." "Yeah, whatever." Another young Democrat signs up for Obama for America.

3. "It's an urban myth that thumb size and dick size are proportional.Come into the locker room and I'll prove it."

4. "So, can V the K count on your vote for his internet award thingy?"

5. "Bob Dole's great grandchild doesn't need no stinkin' Viagra."

Best of Double the U
These speed dating things are awkward, Mike demonstrates his "skill" of being able to get his thumbs up his nostrils.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Now, imagine that my thumb here is the size of the current debt. In four more years of Obamanomics, my thumb will have grown to be the size of... say, do you know who Ron Jeremy is?"

Best of technical translation services
Excellent website. Lots of useful information here. I am sending it to a few friends ans also sharing in delicious. And obviously, thanks for your effort!

Best of GregMan
"No, see, CapThis is a website, and it won this award, and... oh, hell, let's just go make out, OK?"

Best of Dr. Doom
"Let's see," reviewed the interviewer, "We got your unemployment benefits because you can't find work with your Women's Studies degree, food stamps, iPhone voucher, housing assistance, Obamacare card,... and now all I need is your birth control preference and I will be able to issue your DNC Lifetime Membership card..."

Best of prince of leaves
Tyler demonstrates his championship colon-toothbrush grip to an underwhelmed Sierra.

Best of Scotty G.
"So you're saying if I sign this petition, you get free birth control, and I don't have to wear a condom? Oh yeah!"


1. "I'm not falling for the high five trick again," said the blond. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 26 times, shame on me."

2. No one ever high-fived V for his ninth place internet award.

3. When the blond skank said, "Wow, your hand is leaving trails," he knew the roophie and X cocktail had kicked in. Of course, since her top was already off, he probably didn't need it.

4. "It's.... as... though... she's.... surrounded.... by... some kind of.... force field."

5. "Ewwwww! Ewwww! Almost touched a boobie!" A traumatic event in the life of young Anderson Cooper.

Hey Look, I won some sort of Internet Award Thingy

It was for this:

Ain't that nice? The email didn't contain a link and no one told me there was a contest, but it might have something to do with this blog.

Update: Oh, here it is.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Once Upon a Time in Wales

1. Ejected from Folsom Street Fair for being "Tedious and Banal," Larry and Ted enjoy a quiet afternoon at the beach.

2. "I think we captured the basic idea of Michael Moore in a Speedo, but we haven't properly conveyed the horror."

3. "Oh, great, we spend 300 quid on these costumes, and the guy with the rainbow phalluses gets all the attention."

4. The Day after Obama declared "Obesity" a disability with an entitlement to welfare benefits

5. What happens at Republican retreats stays at Republican retreats.

Reasons People Really Don't Care For Teh Gheys

1. "Last time on Glee..."
2. Yeah, I'm sure he's going to be the czar of somethin' or other.
3. Nice to see that one of M'Chel's old gowns has found a loving home.
4. Somewhere, someone's father is cradling a spotlessly clean football and sobbing.
5. 'Phallic Alex' also does kid's parties.

Best of GregMan
Anderson Cooper drooled over this guy almost as much as he drooled over Obambi.

Best of metalgarth
Rainbow Brite did not need to be updated for the 2010s

Best of Submariner
What occurs if you allow a child to spend all his spare time playing with Lite Brite...

Best of Submariner
The Folsom Street Fair Players version of "Rainbow Bear Beats the Mondays" was NOT for either the faint-of-heart, or the weak-stomached.

Best of dadoctah
If you think Porcupine Man is flamboyant, you should see his youthful sidekick.

Best of Dr. Doom
Pictured here is Marvel's new superhero, the Phallic Avenger. He is clearly fabulous but you really don't what to know what his superpower is...

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Nope, still not on Justin Bieber's gayness level.

Best of Dactyl
This is a job for Dildoman!! Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, and awaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!!!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
FDA quickly alerted the media to the most noticeable side effect of the Chinese knockoff Viagra.
Best of Cat Whisperer
“Everybody in San Francisco got Obama Dong ... Keep Obama in President, you know? He gave us dildos. He gonna do more!”

Monday, January 21, 2013

Brent Musberger Eat Your Heart Out

Best of Dr. Doom

Best of dadoctah
It's not what you think, folks. Just before she stepped forward, she said to him "I'm not going to finish these fries; you want the rest of them?"

Best of Passionate Conservative
She's pretty, but not as pretty as Monica. Monica's face was the prettiest I ever came across.

Best of Steve O
Jerking the mic up and down gets some attention.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Almost all guy's minds wander, but Billieboi's disembodied floating head was known to actually stalk girls.

Suitable Reaction to the SCOAMF's Coronation: Part II

This is directed at the 51% of Americans who revealed themselves last November to be complete shitheads 

Suitable Reaction to the SCOAMF's Coronation: Part I

Me: Upon realizing we're stuck with this Fascist Shithead for four more years:

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Weird German Sh-t for a Sunny Saturday

Best of dadoctah "Prithee, a cheezburger, if it pleaseth Your Majesties...." Best of Whacko The inauguration ball attracted the usual core groups from the Democratic Party. Best of jimmy In a little-known royal tradition, Prince Charles was required to present Camilla Parker-Bowles before The Court of St. James for Her Majesty's approval as "HRH The Bit On The Side". Note the puzzled look on Her Royal Highness's face as she wonders "he threw over his gorgeous young wife for THAT???"

Friday, January 18, 2013

Awkward Band Photos


1. Ermagerd! Mer lerd sernger ferted!

2. And the winner for best imitation of Joe Biden and Gavin Newsom goes to....

3. Mom always said his face would freeze like that. Best of Army of Dad Shart Karyoke: singing along with a band so hard you accidentally crap yourself. Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck Belting out bellowed lyrics to a relentless beat of power chords, BloodFang lead singer Slugmonkey didn't notice that his backup singer had suffered a major stroke trying to hit the high g-flat. Best of Carpe Phlogiston American Idol officially jumped the shark when the judges have to choose between "Squiggy & Hiram" and a quadriplegic mime. Best of Dr. Doom Joel suddenly realizes that no amount of money was worth taking the gig at Barney Frank's wedding reception...

No Caption, Just This

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Surrounded by children, the President Announced Sweeping New Public Safety Measures Today ...

Lance Oprah Oprah Lance

1. Oprah: "Mr Armstrong, now that you have had both testicles removed, is it true you intend to run for Speaker of the Republican House?"

2. "... And then the French Police raided my hotel room and confiscated three banned substances; soap, shampoo, and deodorant."

3. "I don't why he's such a SCOAMF, Oprah. He's one of your people, you explain it."

4. "Yeah, that Rosa de Lauro sure is one ugly bitch."

5. "Whose idea was it to decorate your altar with three empty shampoo bottles and a collection plate; what exactly do you worship, Oprah?"

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

It's Not Easy... Actually, It Probably Is


1. Yeah, the new Dr. Who villains were kind of lame, but the Weeping Angels had been done to death.

2. M'Chel Obama persuaded the organizers of the 2012 Folsom Street Fair to include exhibits encouraging people to eat their greens.

3. Yes, under the accounting standards of the Obama Department of Labor, this counts as a 'green job.'

Best of Spin
Worst ghillie suit evah!

Best of dadoctah
Ent Pride Parade 2013.

Threadwinner metalgarth
Failed marketing campaign #128474: "Ho, Ho, Ho. Green Average Sized Person."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Conan O'Brien Thawtbubble: So I insulted Martha Stewart. Why do I have be a centerpiece on her dinner table to make amends, NBC? WHY??

Best of Dactyl
Full Metal Jacket: The Musical!! Starring Robin Williams as Animal Mother.

Best of Scotty G.
Anybody gone into Whole Foods lately and see what they charge for Arugula?

Best of Submariner
These new Geico commercials are getting a little wierd, even by Hollywood standards...

Monday, January 14, 2013

Not Much Goin' On Out There...

... so here's a a blurry pic of 2013's Upper Class Twit of the Year playing with some containers of Sudafed

1. "Oh, look. Anderson Cooper is on Vitamin's A, Z, and T."

2. "Which of these laxatives is most effective for a headache?"

3. "... And so you see, with proper gun control, getting a firearm should be as impossible as getting these multiple containers of Sudafed..... Oh, wait...."

Today's R-a-a-a-a-a-a-cist Image


Friday, January 11, 2013

Messed Up Kid

1. Senator Reid, your lunch is here.

2. "Would Monsieur care fo an after-dinner mint? It is wafer thin?"

3. The Safe School Czar was displeased with his birthday stripper.

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Democrat Day Camp

1. Another Day at Safe School Czar Day Camp.

2. Harry Reid's uncanny knack for finding unsupervised children serves him well again.

3. "No, that isn't Senator Kelly melting into a grotesque pile of flesh after Magneto's experiment went awry, that's Barney Frank and he always looks like that."

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Helmet Head

1. "Wow! Just like the one they make Biden wear to keep his fingers out of his nose."

2. Hillary finally has something to go with the Hannibal Lechter mask.

3. "We thought since you were wearing thigh pads anyway... Oh, you *aren't* wearing thigh pads. Oops."

4. "Shouldn't there be a chin strap? How am I supposed to strap this on, imbecile! Mmmmm, strap on...."

5. "And I will personally use this helmet to beat the life out of anyone who tells the truth about Benghazi, capice?"

I Denounce Myself

Monday, January 07, 2013


Ah, Democrat Women

Congresswoman Roas de Lauro (Dingbat - NY) announced she will be leaving Congress to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts.

Thursday, January 03, 2013

All Apologies

On New Year's Day, I got walloped with the worst case of the flu, I think, ever. I've spent the last two days bundled up in bed trying not to move. I am still barely functional, so I am outsourcing this Thursday to the Heathen Chinee