Monday, December 31, 2012

Best Pic of 2012

Occutard gets a snootful of pepper spray.

Best of GregMan
All Sandra Fluke had to do was pretend it was something else spraying into her face and it didn't sting nearly as much.

Best of Submariner
"You sunk my skank ship!"

Best of metalgarth
Alternate reality #432116: Halitosis has been named the #1 threat to public health and the Listerine Shock Troops have been deployed

Best of Passionate Conservative
Peter North on his day job.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Cindy got a copy of her arrest tape and leveraged it into 3 XXX movies and a gig on HBO Up All Night.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Money shot--" UR DOIN IT RONG.

Best of Dr. Doom
When the Westboro Baptist Church Protested on Gay St, things were bound to get ugly...

Best of buy essay papers
I am hoping the same best work from you in the future as well.

"Puny Earthlings, tremble at my mighty cortex!!!!"


Ever since that whale exploded on him, Channel 13's Rick Bundy took no chances.

Best of metalgarth
We should have known that when the Teletubbies grew up that they would go into typical left wing professions such as journalism, academia and hair styling.

Best of Submariner
ORA: "I'm from France..."

Best of dadoctah
"....and as the smurf continues long into the smurf, residents make plans to smurf all the smurf they can before smurf runs out."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Seconds later, Frank sneezed and 1000's of viewers watched as his nose flew off and shattered against the camera lens.

Best of Dr. Doom
Choronos, the Prime Ambassador from Beta Irindi 7 landed on Earth bearing gifts of wisdom and technology. Unfortunately, the first person he encountered was an MSNBC reporter who asked if he was an agent of George Bush sent to destroy the ecology. The battle fleet will arrive next month...

Best of Dr. Doom
Bob 'suits up' to cover the riot on Gay St...

Best of prince of leaves
"Your ignorance makes me ill and angry."

Monday, December 24, 2012

Outnumbered and Outgunned, Santa Held His Position

The Brigade

1. "For the last time, GTFO my lawn!"
2. "Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho!"
 3. "Keep the change, and Merry Christmas, you filthy animal!"

For All Your Last Minute Christmas Shopping Needs

Friday, December 21, 2012

Picard Christmas

"Kirk could *so* kick your ass."

Welcome to Florida

Redneck Santa is making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's Bocephus and who's a whiny little little wussy panty-waist brat who needs a good lickin'!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Jungle Fever

And the best part was Hillary would never remember that M'Chel cheated on her.

Hilldog Fall Down Go Boom

Mythbusters has rated the story about a sixty-four year old woman who suffers a concussion and is not hospitalized... IMPLAUSIBLE!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Kneepads, How Convenient

"I can tell from your ass fragrance that you were just in beaver."


 The confused coach threw a fit when Billy returned to the bench, "What do you mean you're switching teams? We're in the middle of a game."

Still Looking for that perfect last minute stocking stuffer

Monday, December 17, 2012

Auto Inversion

"On second thought, let's not cast Lindsey Lohan as the lead in the Danica Patrick story."



The White House staff was sure no one would eat the booger-encrusted doughnut. They were wrong.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Babe Handling a Big Shooter

Best of Nate
'I told that sonofab**ch not to park in front and lay on his horn...'

Best of Spin
"Day Two" was never pleasant at Amy's house.

Best of Dr. Doom
Scratch one spider...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Oh ennui, when will you loosen your hold on me?... I SAID, WHEN?? DO IT! DO IT NOW!!" Ennui was last seen three counties away, running for its life.

10:39 PM
 Kaptain Krude
"This is the strangest lamp I've ever seen. Maybe if I rub it, that crazy genie Robin Williams will come out of it."

Best of Submariner
Go ahead dub. Make a comment about my "fat roll..."

Best of prince of leaves
MANPADS: not for feminine hygeine.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

A Smile That Lights Up a Kool

"Brimming with Christmas Sneer"

The Wal-Mart Security Guard kept a close eye on this one.''Best of blue
Santa better not bring any of this cheap ass crap to my Hawaiian vacation palace!!

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"...and that lard ass Santa better be bringin' me batteries wif my toys, if you know what I mean!"

Best of blue
"Wonder why Barry is giving a jar of Vaseline to Sasha & Malia for Kwanza?

Best of jimmy
Thoughtbubble: "Hmm, that kid don't need that....put that one on top for the little fat girl...maybe them Chinese twins will want this one...oh, hell no, that one's going back..."

---Old habits die hard for MooChelle, who can't resist "redistributing" the items in the Toys for Tots bin.

Best of The Bean
That's a candidate for the Island of Misfit Toys if I ever saw Astronaut with a bad Tranny.

Best of USMC2841
Aw Hell, Get 'em anything they want. Ain't my money.

Best of HLam
"Made in China. Made in China. Made in China. Hmm, I wonder if they need a new First Lady over there in China - I do like that Pork Lo Mein after all....""

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"...all these white trash toys...where da bling at?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
Astronaut? Well, thanks to the Obama administration, we don't have THAT to dream about, anymore.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

This went over well on Teh Facebooks

More Important than Fiscal Responsibility or a Growing Economy

These two unusually attractive lesbians were the first to enjoy the fruits of Washington state's passage of pretend marriage for gays law.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
What's especially touching is that they're brothers, too.

Best of Submariner
"...and our 'Forever Safe Word' shall be 'Spotted Owl' cause that's how we met."

Best of GregMan
"Good thing you picked up some vaseline from that store display, Elmer, 'cause that beard of yours gets kinda scratchy sometimes."

Best of metalgarth
"We do solemnly swear to make sure our ZZ Top tribute kicks ass..."

Best of Joshua
It's cute how couples start to look like each other as they get older.

Best of Rodney Dill
So you both watch "Swamp People?" I never woulda guessed.

Best of Jack Reacher
2016--the last two private-sector employees in America file for disability payments and food stamps.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Bernice Mendelbaum" and "Florence McWhester" find it surprisingly easy to register to vote in Cook County.

Best of dadoctah
Somewhere, the Gillette board of directors sits in a darkened office and sobs silently....

Best of Kaptain Krude
Brokeback Mountain 2: Electric Boogaloo

Best of Dr. Doom
Bob and Joe simultaneously react to the Pastor's question, "who is responsible for the Ass. Fragrance in here?"

Monday, December 10, 2012

So Much In Common

Profound hatred of the United States - Check
Flash in the pan pop-culture celebrities everyone will try to forget in a few years - Check
Have eaten dogs - Check

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
You didn't have to apologize for your insulting anti-Amerikan comments, Psy. Heck, I never do.

Best of Submariner
I wish I could be as open about my anti-Amerikkkan feelings as you, Psy... Oh wait, no more elections; YES I CAN!

Best of Jack Reacher
Obama: "So, um, listen, we're going to have an opening at the State Department soon, and..."

Best of Spin
"Oh.. I love you long time too"

Best of Cat Whisperer
Obama and his transvestite nanny from Indonesia are finally reunited.

Best of The Bean
You look just like an Asian Ned Beatty.....can you by any chance squeal like a pig?

Stuff Stupid White Liberals Like

Saga of the 50 year old transsexual college basketball player.

Since I don't really have a caption, I'll just turn it over to Ironic Stevie Wonder.

Best of Double the U
Molly Shannon keeps stretching the "Mary Katherine Gallagher" character but it is just not working.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Even vampires enjoy night B-Ball.

Best of GregMan
ORA: Who knew Lurch had his c*ck chopped off?

Best of Fishgutts
Man hands, man arms, dog face.

Best of Submariner
Even on the girls teams, Tim was usually the last one picked...

Best of champaignken
Not just ugly, but WNBA ugly.

Best of Dr. Doom
You definitely don't want to be around when the Mission College Lady Sasquatches do their stretching exercises...

Friday, December 07, 2012

This is called "Make the Obvious Caption"

A. "That lady used to be Speaker of the House" or B. "That lady won an Oscar for 'Moonstruck.'"

Best of dadoctah
"...and after she broke up with Bruce, she married that new guy on Two and a Half Men."

Best of Dr. Doom
In the end Joan Rivers injected so much Botox that even Ripley wouldn't take calls from her agent...

Best of Artfldgr
See? that's what we used to call a feminist, she died in a room of her own alone...

Best of jimmy
"Secretary Clinton got her revenge eventually, though, as you can see from this lifeless husk that used to hold the life force of young Miss Lewinsky."

Best of metalgarth
That's how you'll need to look if you ever want to get a date with Dub Jr.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Anthropologists, representing privacy rights since never.

Best of Spin
"Vaginal dryness could kill you in the old days"

I'd Rather Be Looking for Droids

As sequestration hit the Empire, unemployed storm troopers were forced to take whatever work was available.

Best of dadoctah
"F*ckin' Ewoks come here and steal all the good jobs, don't even bother to learn our language...."

Best of metalgarth
Say what you want about Darth Poppins, but she made sure the Empire was kept "spic and span".

Best of Submariner
Thawt buble: "That finishes eliminating traces of the Ewoks. Better go get the super-sized push broom for the Wookie leave-behinds..."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Dang right to work laws," thought the ex storm trooper, "Now I actually have to qualify with my blaster to stay in the Empire..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thawtbubble: Maybe Hostess wasn't such a bad place to work after all.

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Things to Say to an Obama Voter Who Just Got Laid Off

1. "Hey, at least that successful Mormon businessman didn't win." 

2. "Didn't your lady parts warn you this would happen?" 

3. "Look at the Bright Side, Gay marriage passed in four states."

4. "Hey, Big Bird still has a job. Isn't that the important thing?" 

5. "I am sure Obama cares deeply about your situation. Maybe he'll send you a postcard from Hawaii." 
6. "Well, look at the bright side, Rush Limbaugh is getting a massive tax increase."

7. "Hey! Now you'll have more time to play with your unicorn."

8. "Isn't it worth losing your job to know that religious organizations now have to pay for abortions and contraceptives?"

9. "Well, now you and Keith Olbermann have something else in common."

10. "Forward!"


Still, slightly less painful than the knowledge that the Jug-Eared F--k will be president for four more years.

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Hold Onto Your Privates

Link. (Army of Mom, Divine Miss M... You're welcome)

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Obviously, they are cod fishermen.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Obviously a case of poor enunciation. Officer comes walking past and someone mumbled, "All hands on DECK."

Best of prince of leaves
"Yeah, I'm in the back because I'm the tallest," Todd chuckled, after getting a good look at his white mates.

Best of GregMan
Ang Lee remakes "The Longest Day", with his own special interpretaion of what "Longest" means.

Best of Dr. Doom
The photo shoot was going fine until Congressman Frank ordered the Army Corps of Engineers to lower the reservoir...

Best of Submariner
How most male figuere skaters fantasize summer practise will turn out...

Best of Dactyl
[Possibly ORA but I doubt it]
This is my 'rifle'. There are many like it but this one is mine...

Monday, December 03, 2012

And then Rahm Blew Softly in His Ear

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I warned you, Rahm, if you snuck up behind me to peek at my password again, I'd have you executed. HOLDER! KILL!

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"Bat Cave or Man Country, Mr President?"

Best of blue
"I brought the Vaseline, Mr president"

Best of Shayne
"Nancy Pelosi is here for her 10am happy ending."

Best of c
'Nancy Pelosi is here for YOUR 10am happy ending."

Best of jimmy
"M'Chel killed another intern with her eatin' shovel, Mr. President."

Best of Submariner
ORA: "The lab results are in and I have Herpes Simplex 10; you might want to get yourself checked out...

Best of Submariner
"Soros called. He said to tell you to meet him at the Blue Oyster at 7 pm, and you were to wear that cute Motorcycle Cop outfit he gave you last Ramadan."

Best of  prince of leaves
"Recognize the place? Yeah, it'd be a shame if the Man's Country videos with you in them became public. Now...about that federal bailout for Chicago..."

Best of Steve O
(whispering) Barry! Don't forget to delete your browsing history this time!

Perhaps, these lingerie football players will make us sammitches.

Anything in here you'd like to caption?

A Malignant Narcissist Acknowledges Rosa Parks

Hey, who left that pile of sh-t on the bus?

Just wait until you see the bus he visits on Arafat's birthday.

"And then I looked right across the table at Romney and said, 'Four more f-ckin' years! Eat it loser!" (Sigh) "That was a good day."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Worst HOV Lanes blow-up doll ever.

Best of Dr. Doom
President Obama - doing for incompetent leadership in the twenty first century what Rosa Parks did for equal rights in the twentieth century...

Best of jimmy
After two days of the scenery not changing, it dawned on the SCOAMF that this was not the bus back from the Smithsonian, but was in fact the bus in the *middle* of the Smithsonian.

Best of Mr Hankey
"The Weasels on the bus go "Tax Tax Spend...Tax Tax Spend... Tax Tax Spend""

Best of Spin
Barry, the Choom Gang ain't coming.

Best of blue
Barry wonders why all the other men got off at the stop for the lingerie football game......

Best of metalgarth
Driver, I told you not to take me through the neighborhoods where everyone has an Obamaphone.

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Oh. No.

RT @iowahawkblog Dear Yoko Ono: Haven't you done enough damage? Sincerely, Human Civilization

Best of prince of leaves Imagine there's no buyers. It's easy if you try. Best of Carpe Phlogiston So, if they want to be accepted and not belittled, mocked, bullied and marginalized, WHY do they wear this crap?? Best of Mr Hankey And if you hold a magnifying glass up close, it says "yes" Best of Dr. Doom Dateline PRC (People's Republic of California): The Safe Schools Czar introduced the new school uniform for the San Francisco County School System at a press conference today... Best of Submariner You can always tell when AoM has been "making cookies" for the newspaper boy...