Wednesday, October 31, 2012

A Little Nightmare for Hallowe'en


Best of Spin Do these studs make me look fat? Best of Rodney Dill How'd she get Army of Mom's hand me downs... How'd she get Candy Crowley's hand me downs... How'd she get Joe Biden's hand me downs.... (I couldn't decide) Best of Dr. Doom "We're going to need a bucket of Viagra, stat!", cried the dude in the Skeleboner costume at Rosie's Halloween party

And a Rebuttal to the Previous Post...

From The Brigade



Trick Or Treat... Well, Mostly Trick Ackshully

This Was Supposed to be Tuesday, My Bad


1. Bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase: "Get Thee Behind Me Satan!"
2. "Check out Sean in his gimp suit, can you say 'Attention Whore?'"
3. ORA: Ang Lee remakes the MST3K Classic Short: "Out of this World."
4. "Let's Trick or Treat in Manhattan this year, you said. It'll be fun, you said. Oh, I could just slap you!"
5. "I told you we didn't need candy bags. In this neighborhood, you do better if they can stuff it directly into your shorts."

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Trick or Treating with the Safe Schools Czar


1. The last thing Billy remembered was Barney Frank handing him a cup of Hawaiian Punch that tasted a little funny. That was six years ago.

2. Bet you didn't know Sandra Fluke had a brother.

3. Biden's remark about "Putting you all in chains" unexpectedly swung several voters to Romney.

4. We also suspected that mom and dad didn't really take our brother Jeff to a farm in the country where he could run in the fields and be happy all his days.

5. Billy secretly envied that Mitt Romney sign from yesterday.


Best of prince of leaves
Figure 12: How to tell if your leather slave's dog collar is on too tight.

Best of prince of leaves
After seeing this picture, President Obama had a strange, conflicted desire to play with his food.

Best of Spin
San Francisco County Sheriff Dept. introduces it's downtown canine patrol.

Best of GregMan
Strangely enough, "Leathertwink" beat out "Skeleboner" as the most popular costume at the Folsom Street Halloween Party.

Best of sonicfrog
Well, that'll teach people for not taking Justin Beiber seriously when he said he was going to shed his teeny-bob image.

Best of Cat Whisperer
In last few days before the election, President Obama extolls his loyal supporters to “Gimp Out the Vote!”

Sometimes, the Tuesday Pics Just Encourage Gayness


1. Charles Johnson's dream woman.
2. "Republicans expect me to pay for my own Cheetos. Can you f--king believe those Medieval bastards?"
3. Keith Olbermann sadly remembered a time would he could pay for a better grade of prostitute... and real Cheetos instead of store-brand.
4. OMG, those aren't Cheetos... they're larvae!!!
5. No, the American news media will not be discussing Benghazi tonight, but are happy to present you with this picture of a fat emo chick in a bathtub full of cheese puffs.


Best of metalgarth
Eric Cartman's holodeck, brought to you by Frito Lay

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Rats, I can't figure out a way to work in the joke about the guy who goes to the doctor worried about his orange penis.

Best of GregMan
The really weird part is that shortly after this picture was taken, she drowned.

Best of  Cat Whisperer
The secret of Snooki’s orange spray-on tan is revealed!




O.M.F. G.


1. "Who wants a spanking?"

Monday, October 29, 2012

Stay Classy, Liberal Left

Schneider

Peanut Butter Jelly Time



1. "All right, Thing, I'll make my own goshdarn PB&J"
2. "No, I'll save the honey for later. Acting out the kinky parts of '9 1/2 Weeks' is part of Ann's therapy."
3. "Mittens, it was great when you turned your campaign bus over for hurricane relief, but you don't need to make a sandwich for each individual victim."
4. "So, any of you pussies in the back of the bus allergic to bees or peanuts? You can get the f--k out right now if you are."  The Mitt Romney you never see.
5. "Oh, darn, looks like I spilled honey all over and made a mess." Mitt had heard something about "Honey Boo Boos" being popular with undecided voters.


Best of metalgarth
Why am I doing this when I've got *BINDERS* full of women who could do it for me?

Best of Joshua
< puts on liberal hat >
"I'm going to grab a beer and sandwich and go as a commoner for Halloween."
or
Evil Koch Brothers: Hey Romney, make me a sammich.
or
"Heh, I filled this peanut butter jar with Grey Poupon and they suspect nothing."
or
"Mormons don't eat peanut butter. This picture is photoshopped! Look at how small his hands are!!!11"
< time to remove liberal hat >

Best of GregMan
"Yessir, nothing tastes better after a hard day's campaigning than orphan's livers spread on bread made from the bleached bones of poor people!"

Best of GregMan
"I better get used to this. There won't be anything left in the White House kitchen this January after M'Chel goes through it."

Best of prince of leaves
By January 2021, a jaded President Romney was 350lbs and making them with bananas.

Best of dadoctah
'Ow to speak Mormon: Ethnic food.

Friday, October 26, 2012

You Mad, Bro?



1. A zombie surrounded by the living? WTF?
2. The SCOAMF's new ad suggests you should lose your virginity to Obama. Hey, if you've already lost your job, your house, and your savings... why not?
3. "Press the flesh" meant something very different back in his Man's Country days.
4. It was hard being the Lightbringer, being constantly surrounded by lesser mortals; all of whom were, in some way, responsible for his failure.
5. The SCOAMF realized, with all these people around, there was no way he was going to be able to finish his waffle in peace.


Best of GregMan
"Oh, man, I really hate white people... oh, wait, there's several behind me, aren't there?"

Best of dadoctah
Anyone want to explain why the guy in the orange shirt appears to be holding up a banana?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Obamalama's tormenter, the Unknown Spitballer, silently laughs at the clumsy Secret Service agents as they sacrifice themselves diving in the way of juicy little wads of paper.

Best of Shayne
"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

Best of prince of leaves
Having taken Lena Dunham's video ad literally, Hector (SS agent on right) was giving serious thought to surrendering his virginity to President Obama.

Best of prince of leaves
MacBama is rattled by another portent-heavy vision of Stevens' Ghost.

Best of Steve O
To appear thoughtful, Obama uses Joey's "smell a fart" technique.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"All right, which one of you f*ckers touched the hem of my robe?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Dammit, I just stepped in some malarky.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Clear these people off the fourth tee immediately", ordered the President to his security detail, "I have to get in a quick nine before the hurricane hits!"

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Great Caligula's Ghost



1. "Man, I *invented* binders full of women!"
2. "I heard Sandy Fluke took on ten guys in a parking lot last Saturday; ahhh, youth."
3. "That Angie Sullivan chick gives one helluva BJ, I'll tell you what!"
4. "Republicans talk about rape and their careers are over; I commit rape and I'm the hero of the Democrat Party. Thank you, Satan."
5. "Show me your tits!"


Threadwinner - prince of leaves
Leave it to Bill Clinton to crowd surf at the Democratic Women's Convention.

Best of Dr. Doom
President Clinton goes for a new personal best in the serial groping category...

Best of Submariner
Hey, honey; both of us have white drapes. Let's meet back at my room and compare carpets...

Best of Double the U
"Yeah Honey... I get asked that about forty times a day, if it wasn't for the secret service and all the press I would take up a lot more of you on that offer."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Creepy Paparazzi:
Ernie gets another money shot for the "Up Nose" kink porn site. The webmaster pays extra for red and raw, engorged, wet and dripping.

Best of Rodney Dill
"When this lady gets done pullin' for me, I'll be right there."

Best of Spin
Bill reaches out to a shrunken Perry White

Best of metalgarth
Alternate Universe #327361B
Esteemed Secret Service agent William J. Clinton jumps in front of Nancy Reagan during an assassination attempt taking the bullet himself. His wife Hillary is eternally grateful that he survives. (I told you it was an alternate universe)

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

iSCOAMF


1. "Is "Binders full of women" anything like "Folders full of white-on-black gay fisting porn" wondered the SCOAMF.
2. "Much like aircraft carriers make navies obsolete... this iPad with its capcity to hold and download thousands of books would make libraries completely... sheeyit, I better propose a $300 Billion library bailout."
3. The SCOAMF spent hours staring at his iPad, trying to intimidate it. The iPad's likeability ratings sky-rocketed.
4. "Let's check with Apple maps and see if there's a route to victory that by-passes Ohio."
5. "His chocolate arms entwined the loud white MSNBC host, their heated breaths mingled and became one... Dammit, Chris Matthews, stop sending me your fanfic!"



Best of blue
"If I order one of these Skeleboners on Amazon maybe I can get Reggie back......"

Best of prince of leaves
Aide: "Mr. President, you do know that your specially-encrypted iPad is supposed to be used for CIA briefings and not watching the live webcam feed from Man's Country, right?"

Best of GregMan
"Note to self: get 'black on white gay p0rn' removed from the White House firewall's blocking list."

Best of Dr. Doom
"I've got it "I'll have the State Department buy a few dozen of these and have my speeches loaded onto them", thought the President, "They will make lovely parting gifts for foreign heads of state."


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The cropped picture of the statue of liberty confirms Trump's suspicions that Obamalama's kink is female armpits.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Let's see...D4... dang it", groused the President, "Mitt Romney sank my battleship!"


Best of Rodney Dill
"Hmmmm... I wonder what happens to Clifford the Big Red Dog next?"

Shovel Ready



1. Billy was proud to be the only graduate with a degree in 'LGBTQ Studies' not working in a job requiring a paper hat and a hairnet.
2. So, ever since the San Francisco Pet Sematary hired Billy, the Lhasa Apsos and cockatiels have been dropping like flies.
3. "It's my shovel now, bitch."
4. ORA: "Hey, wasn't that weeping angel statue over *there* a few seconds ago?"
5. "What? You wanted the Parquet Floor in your kitchen and the Cement foundation on your patio? Oops."



THreadwinner metalgarth
And on the next Arrested Development: George Michael takes a more hands on job in the family business, much to the delight of Tobias

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The Home Depot Swimsuit Issue never caught on outside San Francisco.

Best of jimmy
Chip thought he was really hot stuff, but having to wear the adult diaper really put a damper on his social life. Literally.

Best of Spin
Madonna's last fan strikes a pose

Best of prince of leaves
Trevor was a hard worker, and hoped someday to earn enough money to get his legs extended to normal length.

President Creepy Stare



1. After a while, Mittens started to get creeped out by the SCOAMF's dead-on impression of Skeleboner.
2. The last time the SCOAMF gave someone a stare that angry was when the check-in clerk at Man's Country told him there was a 30 minute wait for a private room.
3. "Why isn't his head exploding?" the SCOAMF often forgot he didn't *really* have scanner powers.
4. Thoughtbubble: "If I stare hard enough, no one will realize I am coked out of my mind."
5. "I will not rest until the twink that stole M'Chel's eatin' shovel is brought to justice."
6. "I ate her liver... with some arugula and a nice Chianti.... slurrp slurp slurp slurp slurp!"

Monday, October 22, 2012

Proving Once Again That Democrats Are as Smart as They Are Pretty



Hey, Sandy, an actual crowd looks like this


1. "So, Mrs. Ryan is like, 'It's been four hours, aren't you going to call a doctor?'"
2.♫ "It's rainin' men! Hallelujah!" ♫
3. "How Big is Candy Crowley's ass? Imagine I'm barely holding a grip on one buttcheek."
4. "I see Sandra Fluke's 'huge crowd' has decided to join us. A couple of you might have to scooch over."
5. The crowd quickly guessed 'Atlas Shrugs;' Paul Ryan was excellent at charades.


Best of GregMan
"Free contraceptives for all! Oh, wait..."

Best of GregMan
"Everyone! The BestOfs are up!"

Best of Joshua
And if you haven't seen that old 1970s photo of Eric Holder... he had one of those big hairdos, man.

Best of dadoctah
"Somebody throw me a lion cub to hold up, man!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"As long as you are all here, let me tell you about Ron Paul", orated Mr. Ryan.

The Irony of Rallying for Free Contraceptives Outside a "Sak-n-Save."


1. It is a rare Saturday indeed when Sandra Fluke only services eight people in a parking lot.
2. "OK, Now I can only take one, maybe two of you, at a time in the back seat. The rest of you will have to take numbers."
3. "I see we're all in the correct position for an Obama Circle Jerk, but I think some of you need some instructions."
4. "You, in the hideous biking shirt...  6:30. You in the lavender pol ... 6:45...and bring a friend."
5. (A. Renaud-Mutart) "No, I do not have 'Sealy' imprinted on my back. That's a damned lie. It's 'Serta.'"


Best of Double the U
"I have more brochures on the evil wealthy in the back of my BMW SUV."

Best of BPatMan
Why would you think that I know the difference between the cab interiors of a REO Diamond and Diesel Mack?

Best of GregMan
"There! Are! FIVE! People!"

Best of Cat Whisperer
“Since more of you taxpayers didn’t show up, I’m going to have to pass the collection plate around twice in order to pay for my contraceptives this week.

Best of Steve O
The newspaper inadvertently frightened many away when they indicated that Sandra Fluke would be "available" in the parking lot.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Oh, Wait, *They're* the Walking Dead. I Get It, Now.


1. "OMG! They all want to talk to us about Ron Paul?"
2. The survivors chose the perfect moment to shoot Candy Crowley in the ankle, thus tripling the amount of time their food supplies would last.
3. One reason the Zombie infestation spread so fast was that the White House claimed for weeks at the beginning that the Zombies were just upset because of a YouTube video.
4. "Oh, hey, T-Dog. I forgot we had a black guy."
5. Those Black Fridays at Wal-Mart had prepared them well for this.


Best of Cat Whisperer
Even during the brief action scenes, the director of the Walking Dead has the main characters huddle in a group and talk about their feelings.

Best of Rodney Dill
D*mn'd pollsters!

Best of Dr. Doom
Is there anyplace that the Reverend Jackson won't show up to pander for relevance?

Best of Steve O
The "it was a spontaneous protest narrative" surrounds reality at the White House.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Girls and Guns



1. The NEA's "Homeschooling: A Documentary" was subsequently revealed to have taken a few liberties...
2. "I dare those liberal assholes to try and steal our Romney/Ryan sign."
3. "And I will defend this stretch of Cormac McCarthy's 'The Road' to the last man!"
4. Pebbles looked around to see the entire platoon had abandoned her and exposed her position.
5. "Deer guts splattered from here to Ohio, Fuck Yeah!"

Puttin' on the Mitts



1. Mittens: "You know what I hate? Fat liberal women who interrupt me when I'm trying to debate. (Sigh) There's one behind me, isn't there?"

2. Mrs. R: "I am telling you, my dessert was gone when I got back from the ladies room. We shouldn't have taken seats so close to Candy Crowley."

3. Mrs R: "Instituting gladiatorial combat to the death was an excellent way to entertain the lumpen AND reduce the welfare roles. Well played, my husband."

4. How embarrassing; Mrs Romney and Andrew Sullivan arrive wearing the same gown.

5. The Romneys were mesmerized at Chris Matthews continuously fondled himself throughout Obama's speech.


Best of GregMan
The Romneys politely applauded when M'chel won the BBQ rib eating contest, but they were secretly horrified when she also ate the other contestants.

Best of GregMan
"Fifty Quatloos on the newcomer!"

Best of dadoctah
Somewhere in an attic in Provo, two painted portraits are looking *really* messed up.

Best of Dr. Doom
"I wonder what the 47%ers are eating tonight?", wondered Mitt as the butler (former CEO of GST Steel) served dinner at the Romney manse...

Best of prince of leaves
Ann clapped delicately, gingerly, her wrists still magnificently tender from yet another passionate night in Mitt's binders.

Best of blue
Lets see, Romney has a MILF and Obama has a Wookie wif a eating shovel.......

Best of Rodney Dill
Ann: "Can you sing 'De Camptown Ladies,' now Mr. President?"

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Clean Up, Aisle 12


1. The liberal press jumped on Ryan for claiming he had saved seventy-five cents at CostCo, when a receipt check showed he had only saved 45 cents. Meanwhile, Obama still denied his administration had ever claimed the Benghazi attack was about a YouTube video.

2. The ice cream and sugared cereals sections were cleaned out because Candy Crowley got there first.

3. "Look at the size of Ryan's gigantic pantry! He must be some kind of crazy prepper!" screamed a pack of elite liberal journalists who had never seen the inside of a Sam's Club.

4. They were all out of airplane glue. Biden got there first.

5. Unfortunately, Ryan was unable to find the four dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts Crowley had demanded in exchange for not blatantly favoring Obama in the debate. The rest, as they say, is history.




Best of Jack Reacher
"There it is! The last shred of American media credibility...Oh, no, my mistake. It's just a box of Trix."


Best of Jack Reacher
Ryan was heard to say "Hey, this looks like that crate at the end of 'Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark,'" and then nobody ever saw him again.


Best of Jack Reacher
In the first warehouse club run by CNN, Republicans aren't allowed to use carts or pay with bills larger than singles, while Democrats get to use motorized scooters and EBT cards.


Best of prince of leaves
"I don't know what all these elderly people are whining about - just look here, cat food's both plentiful and cheap!"


Best of Submariner
Although Phillip had stocked his basement with enough freeze-dried supplies to last through the nuclear winter, he unfortunately chose to leave his water source in the high rad zone outside the Geiger-counter controlled, automatic, vapor-lock bank-vault door...

Best of Dr. Doom
"Lets see, Trojan, check, Lifestyles - check, Rough Riders - check, the pill - check, the morning after pill - check..." mutters Mr. Ryan as he inventories the 47 Percenter aisle at Costco...

Old Gals with Firesticks


1. Having shared one last cup of herba;  tea, Ingrid and Bridget prepare to enact their Lesbian Suicide Pact.
2. In their backyard were piles of male target sheets with the crotches blown out.
3. Gina and Laverne take Obama's 'War on Women' rhetoric a little too seriously.
4. Gina and Laverne had one job at the CNN Staff Party; Keep Candy Crowley from snarfing all the hors d'oeuvres.
5. Thelma and Louise, the Golden Years.




Best of Jack Reacher
I know one "scwewy wabbit" who won't see the end of this winter.

Best of prince of leaves
Linda and Doris would soon discover that these were not the extra-large vibrators they had ordered.

Best of prince of leaves
On the next "Real Housewives of Spread Eagle, Wisconsin": Astrid and Brenda make damn sure Tammy's Pekingese will never steal another dog show again.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Next time the husband says, "I'm hungry, where's dinner" and then yells, "Git er done" won't be asking for dessert.

Best of dadoctah
It took a lot of years and some pretty drastic action, but finally Lucy and Ethel could openly express the depth of their true feelings for one another.

"And now for that busybody Mr Mooney...."

Best of Adjustah
Sorry guys, but Mitt says you're just not binder-worthy.

Best of metalgarth
Then Grandpa said "Sniper? I hardly know 'er"

Best of Submariner
Mittens first act as President is to take ol' Subby's advice on the middle east and send armed, menopausal women to Benghazi to enact retribution.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

If It's Tuesday, It Must Be...



1. "... And what other changes can we expect now that Neil-Patrick Harris has taken over from Drew Carey?"
2. "If only he were 15 or 20 years younger," sighed Harry Reid the Pederast.
3. "This unblemished one will be perfect for the blood sacrifice. Ready the Altar!"
4. "Come on, Rich, this is far less humiliating than what TSA did to you."
5. Paul Ryan found his tour of the morning chat shows somewhat humiliating.


Best of GregMan
"... or do you want what's behind twink number one?"

The Price Is Right sure has changed since Ang Lee became it's producer.

Best of GregMan
"No, no, no, the name tag says 'Rob', not 'Rub'. Actually, that does feel kinda good..."

Best of Submariner
Today's showcase wants you to guess the total number of inches instead of dollars...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Wow, that looks like a penis. Only smaller."

Best of kg
There's a whole new San Francisco Treat for game show contestants now.

Best of Joshua
On this morning's show, "Things you can still do for a dollar in the Obama economy."

Best of dadoctah
Here's a shocker: Joe Piscopo apparently *hasn't* let himself go.

Best of prince of leaves
The third celebrity contestant, Andrew Sullivan, huffily entered a $0 bid after discovering that Rob was "mutilated".

Monday, October 15, 2012

Freefall Free for All


Best of Dr. Doom Once again Alec Baldwin has pledged to leave the country if Mitt Romney is elected President. This time we are going to make sure he does... Best of Double the U They lied, Red Bull DOESN'T give you wiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnggggssss. Best of Joshua OMG, I'm dead. What was I thinking. Hey, I can see my house from here! Best of Double the U "Okay guys, so I will step outside, hover in the weightlessness and then after a few minutes I can climb back in?" Best of Dactyl Watch that first step, it's a doozy. Best of Shayne If that ain't the perfect metaphor of the Obama presidency, nothing is. Best of dadoctah Okay, I cracked open a window like Mittens suggested.... Best of Spin Another confusing plot line in the Dr. Who series. Best of Rodney Dill As..... you..... wiiiiiiiiissssshh.... Best of Rodney Dill Brought to you by the Arthur Dent Flight School.Where'd that whale and potted petunia com from?" Best of Submariner As the nucs began exploding, Baumgartner wished he had packed more PB&J sandwiches to eat as he enjoyed his unique view of the end of the world. Best of Submariner ORA: "Oh, boy..." Best of Carpe Phlogiston I'm not stalling, I'm going through a checklist! Keys... wallet... cancel newspaper... cancel mail delivery... iron off... feed pets... crayons... umbrella... chapstik... Last Will & Testament... lucky coin... Best of Kaptain Krude "Neal Armstrong? What are you doing here?" Best of curly "Kobe -- I'm open!...Over."

Five... Five dollar...


1. Romney's "Mime in a Glass Box" won him the votes of thousands of ironic hipster douchebags.
2. MSDNC Crawl: "Romney Too Stupid to Make Proper Nazi Salute; Republicans Dismayed."
3.  "Stop! In the Name of Love! Be-fore you break my heart!"  
4. Um, Mitt, the crowd's on the other side of you.
5. "Campaigning beneath a sky as white as a Klansman's robe..." began the report from @buzzfeed.


Best of GregMan
In an attempt to win back Sesame Street fans, Mitt does his best Count Count impression.

Best of dadoctah
ORA: "There! Are! Four! Lights! Wait, what?"

Best of blue
someone has to........
"Excuse me while I whip this out"

Best of Spin
"I'll use this pimp hand Tuesday night"

Best of Dr. Doom
"And then I asked, Candy am I going to have to slap a biotch?", related Mr. Romney on the campaign trail after the debate...

Best of Dr. Doom
"No we will not be releasing our binders full of women to the Secret Service", promised Mr. Romney, "At least not until after I am elected..."

The Dark Half


1. "Couldn't we make Romney look even more dark and sinister?" the NY Times photo editor asked. "Like photoshop in a dead, bleeding puppy or something?"

2. MSDNC chose curious angles and lighting for its coverage of Romney in the second debate. Also, electronically lowering his voice and throwing in 'The Imperial March' from Star Wars as his music cue, in case anyone missed the point.

3. "Vote for me, puny mortals, or I will never bring back your sun! BWAH ha haha ha ha ha!"

4. As the country's fiscal black hole expanded, all light and heat was gradually sucked into it, meanwhile leftists still whined that Romney was lying about the debt and anyway it was Bush's fault.

5. The Romney Campaign would come to regret hiring Tim Burton to shoot its final week of campaign ads.


Best of metalgarth
Now that Dick Cheney has given me the passwords to his weather control satellite I can make every day this gloomy. Bwah ha ha ha ha!!!

Best of GregMan
"My God! It's full of stars!"

Best of Dr. Doom
If the media filter had a visual component...

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Romney tries to see things from a black man's point of view.

Best of dadoctah
"If Dirty Harry can talk to an empty chair, why can't I talk to a lens flare?"

Friday, October 12, 2012

Hey Girl


1. " I don't know if you heard, but I just did over 1000."
2. Anthony Weiner's Weiner wishes it was attached to this.
3. The best way to deal with Barney Frank's unwelcome stares in the House gym was to stare right back at him until he wet his pants.
4. For obvious reasons, the Obama Campaign rejected Ryan's preferred debate format.
5. Making Arnold Schwarzeneggar look like a wuss; Paul Ryan is the new Chuck Norris.




Best of prince of leaves
It took a lot of effort, but Ryan would eventually progress from this to curling hardcover copies of "Atlas Shrugged".

Best of prince of leaves
"Yes, it takes quite an investment of time an energy, but how else will I keep myself in shape for dragging poor people to the gutter and pushing wheelchair-bound grannies off cliffs?"

Best of dadoctah
To be fair, you can't play the "shoot a campaign ad standing in front of a guy shoving a live turkey into a woodchipper" card *twice*.

Best of Wesley M.
Sandra Fluke's secret iPad wallpaper.

Best of Dr. Doom
A true Renaissance Man, Mr. Ryan is equally at ease lifting dead weight or debating it...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I've got to bulk up. It's going to be hell taking M'Chel's eatin' shovel out of her hands on January 20th."

Best of Jack Reacher
"How you doin?"

Bite Me


1. "When a wise person debates with a fool, the fool rages and laughs, and there is no peace and quiet." Proverbs 29:9.

2. "... He held it up like this and he had written on it in Sharpie, 'I farted on this pillow.'" By the end of it, Biden had to go to extremes to avoid talking about his regime's record.

3. As Biden entered his third chorus of "Mississippi Mud," Ryan wondered if the moderator was ever going to cut him off.

4. Gallant provides an outline for his plan to reduce the deficit. Goofus describes the time he ate a potato salad as big as his head.

5. Biden: "Of course I'm being rude and obnoxious.Our base loves this sh-t. Have you ever seen Ed Schultz?"


Best of Passionate Conservative
"Dear Lord, bring down your wrath on this idiot who thinks we should preserve life and live within our means, sincerely, Chuckles the Clown"

Best of Submariner
"I'm comin' 'Liz'beth!" Plugs makes what he thinks of as a "high brow" play for the black crowd.

Best of Joshua
"Look, a squirrel" Biden shouted as he took Axelrod's advice literally.

Best of Submariner
Cap This! Standard #17: "KAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNN!"

Best of prince of leaves
In Ironic Alternate Timeline #D3595-YF97-Q, Joe Biden just happened to be seated where he could see the incoming SMOD in the instant before it struck.

Best of prince of leaves
"OHH! The Blessed Moroni!!!" It didn't matter whether it was an authentic vision or just another stroke -- Joe's sudden 'Road to Deseret' enlightenment/conversion on live television seriously hampered the Obama camp's anti-Mormon whisper campaign.

Thread winnah: Rodney Dill
"SERENITY NOW!!!!"

Best of Van Wallach
Oh my God, Martha, keep doing that with your feet! Don't stop!!

Best of dadoctah
"Puny humans! Hulk smash!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
So, in my recurring dream, Hillary's a librarian, I'm holding the ladder steady and looking up her skirt... and I see these hairy balls and a bull pizzle staring back at me! Always wake up in a cold sweat screaming.

Best of Jack Reacher
"The sun! The sun is getting closer!" Biden still has difficulty with the concept of stage lights.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"There! Are! Four! Lights!" Geez, the Picard in this new Ang Lee version of Star Trek sure is old.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Today's Not Photoshopped

Teh Zombeh

1. "Big Tent" Republican --- Everybody but Army of Mom thinks UR DOIN IT RONG!.
2. "Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice" wasn't a pron title, it was one of the branches of Mitt's family tree.
3. Whatever you do, do not ask about his 'Stimulus' Plan.
4. The Limo Driver who met Romney at the airport was a cocky sonofabitch.
5. Apparently, the free contraception gambit doesn't work with every swing voter.

Keyboard Jockey (RACIST!!!!!)



1. "Let's see if I can reprogram all the nukes to hit red states."
2. ORA: "And the password to the nation's nuclear arsenal... 1-2-3-4, same as my luggage."
3. "Prove I'm not a robot... d-u-u-u-u-u-d-e, like, how can any of us prove we're not robots?"
4. (Typing and speaking at the same time). "Hot... profile... dude... Got... Pics??"
5. "This Nigerian Prince could be the answer to all our budget problems."
6. "Dear Diary, walked in on Biden sitting backwards on the toilet again. OMG, that guy makes 'Dumb and Dumber' look like 'Frasier.'..."

Best of Acebook: 


Best of Moron Shannon: Google image "funny Michelle Obama wookie gifs"

Best of Unclefacts Meteor-Summoner Dear Diary: "Today I had my first debate with Mitt. Not since my heady days away at school have I been handled by a man in such a thrilling manner."

Best of Moron Frank: "Hello, I am Barack Hussein Obama, stepson to Kenyan errrrr... Nigerian leader Sani Abacha. My father secreted $129 Million dollars in an account. If you will supply your bank information (no need for a CVV), we can transfer these funds after January 30th..."

Best of Moron Dan: tap... tap... resumemaker.net... tap tap tap... Qualifications Summary: Highly m̶o̶t̶i̶v̶a̶t̶e̶d̶ ... tap... shit.

Best of Moron Laree Hello friend I am a Nigerian Prince and if you send me your bank account number I will deposit 1 million dollars into your bank account LOL!

Best of Moron Colin: Off to Urban Dictionary to look up the meaning of "SCOAMF"

Best of Moron: Terry Anne Fisher Man. This is harder than it looks. Maybe I shouldn't have had others write and type my papers through school.

Best of Moron Shannon: Anyone know how I can delete this "HELP ME" email from ambassador Stevens????

Best of Moron Colin "Hey look! If I send my campaign $3 I get a chance to have lunch with me!"

Best of Moron Terry: Mr President! I believe we've found the perfect photo of you, where your limp wrist isn't showing!

Best of Moron Stephen: More dead troops, huh? This'll only take a minute... let's see... Mailings... Start Mail Merge? No, form letter's already written. Select Recipients? That must be the one...

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Meanwhile, Back at the Raunch


1. Shootout at the KY Corral.
2. The Texas Democrat Party Reminds You, "Votan Temprano, Votan Mucho!"
3. Oh, wait, Ang Lee already did this one.
4. When these guys act out the bean eating scene from 'Blazing Saddles,' the sound effects are much more subdued.
5. "Dudes, if' we're going to be the New Village People, two of us are going to have to settle for our second choices, costume-wise."

Monday, October 08, 2012

Another One, Just to Be Fair

Metalgarth


1. "Be honest, you've never seen a more fabulous ass."
2. "OMG, it's full of stars!"
3. "OK, Jenny, now get that Bic lighter ready. This is gonna be SWEET!"
4."Oh, Mr. Romney... your conjoined twin is so... Sassy!"
5. "A vestigial tail? How cute!"


Best of Dr. Doom
"Look! Mr. Romney is wearing Obamagirl underwear", cried Sally.

Best of blue
Look!!! The sun does shine there!!!

Best of Spin
I see England, I see France
I see Mitt Romney's magic underwear...

/it's a work in progress/

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Go on, pet the gerbil, Eloise. He won't bite.

Best of metalgarth
Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my...

Best of Submariner
That.Is.THE.Sweetest.Boyz2Men.Tattoo.I've.EVER.Seen!

Best of Submariner
"Batchelorette Number 1; what does THIS make you want to do?"
'Dating Game; Ogden' was a bit different...

Best of Rodney Dill
While Mitts singing voice was of rather dubious quality, his flatulent rendition of the Stars and Stripes always brought down the house.

Best of Rodney Dill
Uptighty Whiteys

Best of metalgarth
It's okay Mr. Romney, You don't need to prove that you don't bleach your anus.



What the Morons on Acebook came up with: 


Best of Unclefacts Meteor-Summoner: I can really see myself in the brass!

Best of JF: Mitt Romney delivers a thoughtful "fruit basket" to a needy child.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fruit+basket

Best of CB: Here's my Obama impression...

"Can I get two sandwiches over here?"


1. INVISIBUL KOOL MENTHOL 100.
2. The SCOAMF was well into his third chorus of "Little Bunny Fu-Fu" before he realized the Teleprompter guys were f--king with him again.
3.  Obama was soundly defeated in the Second Debate when Romney chose "Rock."
4. And in the Second Debate, Obama got bored and started making shadow puppets; signalling to some his waning interest in the presidency.
5. "Benedicat vos Omnipotens SCOAMF, Pater, et Filius, et Spiritus Sanctus,"


Best of Dr. Doom
"OK everyone with a show of fingers, indicate which amendment to the constitution you hate the most...", orated the President.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
At the second debate, Obama threw up multiple gang signs when answering questions; Al Gore excused this blunder by claiming the different gangs in New York must have influenced his thinking.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Clearly Obamalama was off his game, but it didn't help when he walked behind Mitt during closing rambles and held the devil's horns up to the back of the 1-percenter's head.

Best of  blue
"...and I fully anticipate that the Nobel committee will award me my second Peace Prize based on my stellar performance!!"

Best of  Joshua
"Peace, man." Obama adopted a southern California hippie accent during his San Fransisco fundraiser.

Best of jimmy
"Mr. SCOAMF, where do you expect to place next month in the election?"

"Mr. SCOAMF, how many girdles is M'Chel wearing right now?"

"Mr. SCOAMF, how many times this year has Chris Matthews offered to bear your love children?"

"Mr. SCOAMF, tell us how many times you kissed yourself in the mirror before you came out here."

"Mr. SCOAMF, how many Volts has Chevy sold this year?"

Best of Silrette
Another term, and I can do it. Okay, two. Two more terms and I'll totally accomplish what I promised. SOME of what I promised. At least ONE thing I promised. I promise.

Best of prince of leaves
Bored with the Presidency, Obama makes plans to move on up to a bigger stage with a global role: Pope.



And the Acebook Morons came up with...


Best of CHW: The President went visual to reinforce the number he had chosen for his goal of percentage of people he wanted still employed in the private sector at the end of his second term."

Best of Unclefacts Meteor-Summoner: Let me be perfectly clear, this is how many of my balls Mooch has in her purse right now.

Best of GD: Puff Puff give, man!

Surrender, Friend of Dorothy


1. "Iä! Iä! Shub-Niggurath! Black Goat [of the Woods] with a Thousand Young! Hear my prayer." Huh, guess he wasn't a Muslim after all."

2. "American flag! Bic Lighter! Burn, baby, burn!" Democrats yawned that the latest leaked Obama video "didn't really show anything we didn't already know."

3. Obama tries to rally the white yuppie nostalgia vote by singing the 'Friends' theme song at every rally, complete with hand claps.

4. Waving his hands in the air like he didn't care, Obama then proceeded to glide by the people as they stopped to look and stare.

5. "(Now raise your hands in the air and say, 'Out! Out! Ye demons of Capitalism!')" the SCOAMF's Teleprompter programmers were getting cocky.


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The DNC saved a ton of money on the "made in china" flags, confident that not one democrat would notice that instead of stars, the printer used Hello Kitty heads.

Best of metalgarth
WORST. NFL. REPLACEMENT. REF. EVER.

Best of blue
"Let me demonstrate how I will surrender the USA to radical Islam!"

Best of Cat Whisperer
While preparing for the upcoming presidential debate on foreign policy, President Obama practices his answer to the question, “Using only hand gestures, describe the Obama Doctrine as it pertains to dealing with the enemies of the United States.”

Best of GregMan
"Arise, ye prisoners of starvation!"

Best of Submariner
I feel a disturbance in the Force... It's as if the freedoms of 300 million souls was just extinguished...
Hallelujah - that feels GREAT!

Best of Submariner
First documented case of the American flag taking an illegal into custody for deportatino to his home of record.

Friday, October 05, 2012

Take a Picture, Hilldawg

Some Monor Calling Himself Greg



1. Hilldawg is constantly on the lookout for safe places to hide from Bosnian snipers.
2. "I don't care, Christina, as long as they're spectacular!"
3. "The Common Good demands that you let me motorboat your sweater puppies!"
4. September 10, 2012: "Tell those whining cry-babies in Benghazi I'll get back to them later."
5. "You could crush a man's head in those things," Hillary thought. Of course, Hillary was pretty much always thinking about crushing men's heads.



Breasts of metalgarth
Christina's gonna regret not writing 'MINE' on them, because I don't think any Clinton can 'control their lust'

Breasts of GregMan
"As a feminist I can't stand how men are always objectifying women, and... DAYUM, that is a set of cans to die for!"

Shrillary inexplicably goes off-topic at her latest State presser.

(And yes, I am the monor.)

Breasts of Rodney Dill
Hillary (thinking): "I haven't seen a pair like that since Barack and Joe."

Breasts of Rodney Dill
Christina: "Nice to meet you Sir."

Breasts of blue
why yes, Obamacare did create these!!

Breasts of chronos the wonder pig
"If I had cleavage like that I'd be President today!"

Breasts of Spin
When I am Empress these will be mounted in my trophy room

Breasts of Adjustah
That reminds me, I have to start Christmas shopping for Bill.

Breasts of Steve O
Christina is offered the position of "under Secretary."

Finally!

Wanted to post this ASAP after the debate, but Thursday is kinda sacred.



1. Three heads, one thoughtbubble: "Somebody's not gettin' any tonight."

2. SCOAMF: "Look at him, over there. Straightening up his papers on his um,... what is that thing called... podium. Doesn't he know they have people who do that? How unpresidential.. Yeah, I totally won tonight."

3. SCOAMF: "Is it just me, or did M'Chel's hips actually get bigger while we were standing here."

4. "How is it Mitt's shadow casts opposite from ours? One of us must be evil."

5, Mitt had set the perfect trap and soon the SCOAMF and the  FLOTUS would be eaten by Pac-Man.


Best of  blue
"Lets see, who's next...oh wait...if I continue with this auction, I will be called racist.....

Best of Rodney Dill
Mitt: "I'm sorry, but I was only prepared to slap one bitch tonight."

Best of curly
"Mitt! You're Mormon...are you sure, ahh, that you don't need another wife?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Obama: "Mitt... It's best to let the Wookie win."

Best of Dr. Doom
"NO! This is not over!", directed the First Lady, "You people get back in your seats, get his teleprompter in here, and this time, Lehrer, you better ask him some questions about killing Bin Laden!"

Best of Steve O
M'Chelle thawt bubble: Must. Not. Punch. Husband...

Yet.

Best of Double the U
Jezzz, Aunt Ester has really let herself go.

Best of blue
Moderator: and now a question for M'Chel - when Obama is defeated and he dumps you to legally marry Reggie or Kal Penn, will you write a tell-all book?

Best of Adjustah
The debate goes badly, human! Let us beam back to the war bird for some fresh gagh and anniversary biting!

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

The Dude on the Right with the Ermagerd Look


Best of Kaptain Krude Ah. I see that Mitt is continuing to practice debating Obama Wednesday night. And I see the stand-in is practicing for Obama in 3 months.

Best of Adjustah Ermagherd! Ernemplerment!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston While "undocumented" workers Estella and Juanita grapple with Ernesto's man crush, Tyrone is amused to hear Mitt mumbling over and over through clenched teeth, "I have empathy, I have empathy, I have empathy."

  Best of Cat Whisperer Touching Romney was like touching the monolith in the “2001: A Space Odyssey,” and within days the restaurant employee was a self-made millionaire. And a Mormon.

Best of dadoctah "Check it out! It's that Mister Rubber Dude from the Fantastic Four!"

Big Ol' Gun



1. Fearing that Republicans would. once again, launch a genocidal pogrom against teh gheys, Timmy vowed to defend the bath house to the last man.

2. No effing way was Rick going to listen to the good news about Ron Paul.

3. Bambi really doesn't stand a chance.

4. "Good morning class, I'll be your substitute teacher here at Martin Luther King Elementary in South Chicago."

5. "There you go, Senator McCain. I promise this will keep those kids off your lawn."


Best of Dr. Doom
"Don't worry Mr. Ahmadinejad - I got your back", said Sergeant Jones as he pulled the trigger, "And your head and your left shoulder... and both of your knees..."

Best of prince of leaves
Yeah, go ahead, tell *this* guy he's "compensating".

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
We don't need no steeeking circular saw.
Tim "the Toolman" Taylor's son Brad volunteers to help his dad rough cut an opening in a poured concrete wall for a walk-out basement.

Everybody Was Twink-Fu Fighting


1. "And Romney parries Obama's Attack on Bain Capital and kicks him right in 44 months of record unemployment."

2. The Kirk versus Gorn Captain battle is re-enacted via the magic of interpretive dance.

3. "You farted on my pillow!" "Did not!"

4. Diane Fossey's Journal: "They were magnificent creatures, these 'Twinks in the Mist.'"

5. So, Ceiling Cat and Basement Cat transmogrified into gay Ninjas or something. I don't know, I'm outta ideas.


Best of Spineless Vertebrae
"And then the two boys meet in the bedroom and get in the same position, only naked." Ang Lee was VERY excited to remake 'Karate Kid'.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Popular wedding cake decoration in a rough part of San Francisco.

Best of metalgarth
Just when you thought the Mortal Kombat franchise was dead

Best of Mr Hankey
"Love on the Rocks....a'nt no surprise..."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Highlander, there can be only one!" Geez, this Ang Lee guy really gets around!

Best of Adjustah
Just another embarrassing photo for Prince Harry.

Best of Dr. Doom
Desperate to secure a point in their match, Jimmy used his secret move, the Mongolian crotch blast. Much to his dismay Bruce seemed to enjoy it immensely...

Monday, October 01, 2012

Bite Repellent



1. The strike of the La Quinta Housekeepers Union takes an ugly turn.

2. Andrew Sullivan immediately offered $500 for the pillow.

3. Joe Biden's vastly more intelligent brother makes a poignant political statement.

4. ORA: This is a really bizarre remake of Say Anything. 

5. Trust me, you do not want to see what he wrote on the sheet.


Best of Joshua
Andrew was excited to learn that his $3 donation won the Obama "fart pillow" in what turned out to be one of the campaign's more bizarre fund raising raffles.

Best of Submariner
On the other side: "I am the 99%"

Best of Dr. Doom
Number 17 on the list of rejected Febreeze commercial concepts...

Best of Mr Hankey
Kyle tries to divert attention from his halitosis.

Effing Fascist Obama Police State

Cops Shutdown "Free Sex with Car Wash" Promotion. Probably because the whores weren't getting their free Government contraception, or something. 



Yeah, I know it's not Thursday, but I haven't found any good picks of Mittens or the SCOAMF yet. Last Monday was Debbie Wasserman-Schultz  So, consider this an apology.