Friday, August 31, 2012

Written in Sand



1. ORA: The DNC wanted to make sure Darth Vader came nowhere near the convention center.
2. Just one driving rainstorm away from a metaphor for our country's finances.
3. "I am SCOAMFMANDIAS! Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
4. They were going to do M'Chel, too, but it would have required stripping every beach on the East Coast to make her ass.
5. Later, a cat crapped on it and the metaphor was complete.


Best of Jack Reacher
I see Tidy Cat is a DNC sponsor.

Best of Dactyl
Unfortunately they made the ears a little too big. So they spent the next year being audited by the IRS, investigated by the Justice Department, and examined by the TSA.

Best of metalgarth
"But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Obama the Hutt?

Best of dadoctah
Fortunately, this contract didn't fall through at the last minute, unlike the request they had the week before to sculpt Chris Christie out of butter.

Best of prince of leaves
I don't get it...what's the connection between the Presidential seal and the Ferengi dude?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Well, I kept building it down at the beach but vandals came by each night and completely flattened it.
So, they came by around high tide?
YES! Like clockwork. Damned hooligans.

Best of Double the U
Hey! You didn't build that!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Particles of sand used in SCOAMF tribute < Dollars SCOAMF has added to the National debt

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Like sands through the hourglass, these are the final days of this administration."


Mud Sports



1. America takes the old British custom of the Fox Hunt and makes it more accessible to the Lumpen Proletariat.

2. There's a 'Hunger Games' caption in here somewhere. Not sure where, but it involves bacon.

3. Yeah, the rendering plant was brutal, disgusting, demeaning work but it still beat interning for Hillary.

4. Still, not nearly as dirty as a typical MSDNC commentary on the RNC convention, and with more attractive women. A more attractive pig, for that matter.

5. Two... no THREE ... females with more use for birth control than Sandra Fluke or Code Pink.


Best of Dactyl
If Ned Beatty could remake "Deliverance"

Best of metalgarth
A rare look inside the Holodeck on the Swine Trek

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
University of Tennessee fans are excited about the season opener this weekend...

Best of Dr. Doom
The Redneck Olympics - still more entertaining than the Republican Convention (and smells better than the Democratic Convention)...

Best of dadoctah
"That'll do, pig" indeed. Babe reaps the rewards for his strength of character.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sure, his agent was expensive, but after Green Acres, Arnold the Pig was able to call in favors and get a really sweet spin off series.

Best of GregMan
ORA: Sadie Hawkins Day in Enumclaw went about the way you would expect.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Liberal Hipsters In Ecstasy



1. The "Committee for Determining What Things Liberals Are Allowed to Find Funny" reviews Jon Stewart's    Application.

2.  CNN still can't find a duo that recreates that "Parker-Spitzer" magic.

3. "Good evening, our top story tonight on 'Ironic Hipster News,' inter-generational relationships, not just for Muslims any more."

4. Everyone knew Taffy was different from the age of 5 when she gouged out the eyes of all her Barbie dolls.

5. "Is there a way to make black coffee even more bitter?" they both wondered.


Best of prince of leaves
Twenty years later, a Killer Bob-inhabited Agent Cooper still hangs out at the Double-R, hoping to pick up an underage prostitute.

Best of Double the U
Oh good! David Byrne and Tina Weymouth are speaking, maybe the Talking Heads will get back together.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Where will you be when your Zoloft kicks in?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The Bad Seed, recently paroled and itching to fork somebody up.
The Dork, thinking he's about to get lucky.

Best of Rodney Dill
Good times at the Pie Hole

Best of metalgarth
Rachel Maddow and Dakota Fanning. Not your average Hollywood power couple.

Best of Dr. Doom
Performance artists Bonnie Jones and Jim Smith perform their off Broadway hit, Middle Class American Voters...

Best of Submariner
Whispered voiceover:
"We've replaced these diners' Splenda with crystalized Lithium. Let's see if they notice..."

Best of Spineless Vertebra
Alice became really disturbed, and obsessed with tea after visiting Wonderland.

Best of  dadoctah
Purported to depict a young Mitt and Ann Romney during their courting days, the photo was discovered to be a fake when it was realized that none of the cups contained Sanka.

Best of GregMan
Two CapThis regulars wait patiently for the Best Ofs. Either that, or they're stoned off their asses.

Speaking of Ironic Hipster News

MSDNC Breaks Away From Every Minority Speaker at the RNC to Complain That the Republican Party is Too White. 



1. (L-R) Bald, Butch, Boring, and Blotto.

2. "Both hands above the desk, Schmidt. For Gaia's sake, we're on live TV."

3. Matthews craps his pants again, but fortunately his colleagues were accustomed to covering for him.

4. "These water bottles will come in handy if a black Republican wanders onto the set and we need something to chuck at him."

5. All MSNBC hosts are trained to keep their legs crossed in order to hide their package. All MSNBC Hosts.


Best of metalgarth
Next season's American Idol judges are going to "cut to commercial" every time a black or hispanic contestant comes on.

Best of GregMan
PMSNBC fields a team of four white guys to cover the convention and then says the GOP isn't "diverse" enough.

Best of prince of leaves
"So enough gleeful musing about how nice it would have been for Hurricane Isaac to have drowned every hateful, bigoted Republican at the RNC, let's move on to how much more inclusive and civil Democrats are..."

Best of Spineless Vertebra
MSNBC presents its new hit series, "Guess Which One Is the Female!"

Best of Jack Reacher
A rare, inside look at Politifact's crack fact-checking team.

Best of  Submariner
Simultaneous thawt bubbles from left:
"I gave up poker night for THIS?"
"I'm a better man than any of the rest."
"I will love him and pet him and call him George..."
"Just once, Mr. President, just once with me and you'll give up black women forever..."

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Ride Like Hell

Has Anyone ever seen a sign like this and said, "OK, I'm convinced. No More Hedonism for me."


Best of Whacko If only Jerry Sandusky had seen this sign years ago - Penn State would still have a football team. Best of metalgarth Looks like Chick Fil-A's marketing budget has been slashed. Best of Steve O Can I pick more than one? The first two's really all I'm interested in.

Ronulans, I believe


Now That's Just Mean


Strangely enough, gay marriage advocates really believe images like this help their cause.

Brought to you by... the New Penn State Fight Song





1. Any random Charlotte NC Hotel,September 3-6 2012.

2. Six months later, Justin Bieber was an international celebrity.

3. "Maybe it's the amyl nitrate talking, but you're the Best Safe Schools Czar Ever!"

4. "So, what's it like serving in the Minnesota State Senate?"

5. The Las Vegas photos Buckingham Palace REALLY doesn't want you to see."


Best of Rodney Dill
"Those aren't pillows..."

Best of metalgarth
So Billy, wanna make some 2nd rate pornography?

Best of GregMan
Moments later, Shawn accepted the football scholarship offer at Penn State.

Best of Spin
This little piggy went to market, got roofied and porked.
Good Night.

Best of dadoctah
Goldilocks discovers that Mama Bear really was "just right".

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
What passes for air conditioning when you can't afford the electric bill.

Monday, August 27, 2012

The Royal Monor



1. Harry gasped, "It's twoo! It's twoo!"

2. What's this? Bonny Prince Harry fantasizing about being sandwiched between two big black guys? Could Blondie McJoybags be barking up the wrong tree here?

3. "Harry Windsor and the Half-Boned Prince."

4. Harry prepares to enjoy an old Vegas tradition known as the 'Tranny Surprise.'

5. "Forgive me, your highness, but the Queen ordered us to keep you away from FoxNews anchors."

Chris Matthews Got a Hold of the Crawl Again


SCOAMF Memorializes Neil Armstrong with a Picture of Himself

Narcissism, thy name is SCOAMF



1. Pondering Neil Armstrong's passing, the SCOAMF wonders what it would be like to have an actual accomplishment.

2. "The moon is made of cheese so they sent a cracker, ha ha ha, I gotta tell Reverend Wright that one."

3. Staring at the crescent moon, the SCOAMF had a brilliant idea, "Let's fundamentally transformed NASA into a Muslim Outreach organization."

4. "The moon," thought the SCOAMF, adding to his private list of "Things approximately the size of M'Chel's ass."

5.  And then the rotor blade sliced off the SCOAMF's head and America lived happily ever after. The End.


Best of GregMan
SCOAMF Thought Bubble: "Barren, lifeless, total devastation... just like the U.S. economy after four years of me."

Best of Cat Whisperer
His hands in his pockets indicate they were also playing the National Anthem.

Best of blu
"I wonder if the guy that forged by Birth Cert can prove that I was the first man on the moon?"

Best of metalgarth
That's no moon, that's Dick Cheney's weather control satellite about to send a hurricane to New Orleans.

Best of Rodney Dill
(from White House archives)
The first human to set foot on the Earth's moon has died. Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong was 82...
President Obama has been frequently mooned by Joe Biden.

Best of Joshua
Obama looks up at the crescent moon in conjunction with the brightest star in the night sky. An omen, he thinks to himself, that soon the United States will be ruled by Islam.

Best of Steve O
Obama thinks how inspirational it would be for everyone if he could manage to play a game of golf up there.

Best of prince of leaves
SS advance team man thawt bubble: "The Ego has landed."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Obama: "Goodnight Moon."
Moon: "Goodnight SCOAMF."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
An awesome vista of the night sky, partially obscured by a black hole.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

I Have Sh-t to do, so Here's a Bunneh




Best of prince of leaves
Overheard moments after the pestilential rabbit licked the last crumbs from the plate and seconds before a panicked call to the day-care center: "Wait...if those aren't the cookies I put the rat poison in..."

Best of dadoctah
"If your bunneh legitimately rips off a cookie, the other cookies have ways of shutting that whole thing down."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Soylent Brown is Bunnies!!!... It's Buuuuuunnnnniiiiieeeesss!!!!"

Best of Dr. Doom
In his later years the Vorpal Bunny has mellowed out a lot. You still don't want to get between him and his cookies though...

Best of Adjustah
It was only then that Peter Rabbit realized that he was in Michael Vick's house...

Consistent with the levels of FAIL we've come to expect


Friday, August 24, 2012

Guess What He Just Ate


1. "I'm gonna be tutored? Awesome?"
2. "Why so serious?"
3. "Um... Rex, I wouldn't be grinning like that if I just found out I was gonna be adopted by a Korean family."
4. "Look, Rex... little advice... no one wants to adopt a retarded dog."
5. "Look, the president can't wait to pet me... he's practically salivating."

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Return of Walmert Wednesday

Schneider



1. Sandra Fluke's grandmother shops for prophylactics.
2. The T-Shirt that says, "I spend $3,000 a year on contraceptives."
3. Save it for the Grindr Profile, grandpa.
4. Ironically, he moved to Salt Lake City after being thrown out of Tulsa.
5. His life had been wasted in a drug-blurred stream of circuit parties, Glory Holes, and orgy rooms... and he regretted none of it.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Oink



1. Rosie O'Donnell always consults her Yoga Instructor before making a big decision.
2. Helen Thomas is reportedly enjoying her retirement.
3. Every day at 5:00, Earl feeds the Metaphor for the Federal Bureaucracy.
4. Senator Mikulski explains to an elderly constituent how ObamaCare doesn't really cut Medicare.
5. Even by Enumclaw standards, Earl's tastes were considered... exotic.



Best of Spin
Juan welcomes Horshack to 'Sweathog Heaven'

Best of metalgarth
Sir, we don't do that kind of thing here on Animal Farm, even if it didn't make to the list of commandments painted on the barn.

Best of GregMan
A Heartbroken Gus, now known as "Mohammed", breaks up with his girlfriend in Enumclaw after converting to Islam.


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
psst pssst
Reincarnation's a bitch. Pass.it.on.

Best of dadoctah
Pork: it's what's for dinner, a movie, and maybe a little dancing.

Best of Dr. Doom
"I'm afraid I have bad news Petunia", whispered the farmer's wife, "The First Lady is coming to town... and um... you know how she loves her some ribs..."

Best of Dactyl
Achmed the suicide bomber meets his first virgin.






The Obama Presidency Captured in One Image






Best of Cat Whisperer
The White House issued a fatwa today forbidding any depiction of an image of the Prophet Obama.

Best of Jack Reacher
He doesn't like seeing so many unemployed Americans. Problem solved.

Best of sonicfrog
Um... The Dr Who ID card just doesn't work like that.... Should change the sign to FAIL.

Best of Adjustah
Barakward

Best of jimmy
TOTUS thought-bubble: "Really, Barry? You're a non-entity without me. I made you what you are! And then you have the nerve to tell me 'I didn't build that'? I DID build you, Barry, and I can make you back into that blank slate just as easily."

Best of Dactyl
ORA: the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very ravenous.

Best of Dr. Doom
In an effort to block out discouraging sights of half empty venues, the President's handlers resort to creative teleprompter placement...

Best of Rodney Dill
"I can fix that," said Joe Biden as he added the smiley face.

A Much Needed Respite

From that retard in Missouri who will cost us the Senate


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
After the Die HARD movies, the only job Sgt. Al Powell could get was patrolling the Twinkie aisles at a Wal-mart and the occasional fast chase to catch a Price Roll-Back sign tamperer.

Best of Dr. Doom
Eventually the Obama Defense cuts expanded into municipal budgets as well...

Best of Double the U
Well... it is an improvement over the Segways they used to drive.

Best of prince of leaves
Like the goose-stepping of Nazis and Soviets, the American police-state when it came had its own absurd public display that dared its subjects to laugh.

Best of  Spineless Vertebra
You'll never catch Batman like that.

Best of dadoctah
Professional drivers on closed course. Do not attempt.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Boy, Shop With A Cop Day has really changed.

Best of Cat Whisperer
Wal-Mart strictly enforces a speed limit for overweight shoppers on Rascals.

Best of Submariner
Sam's club takes their 2 per customer limit pretty seriously...

Kosher Beefcake

Mazel Tov

Monday, August 20, 2012

Why Kick a Ginger Day Exists


1. Morticia and Gomez disowned Pugsley soon thereafter; the Obama Cult was just too darn creepy for them.

2. If Kathy Bates mated with Paul Blart, Mall Cop.

3. On his shirt is a Pie Chart showing the Obama Budget: Debt Service, Welfare, Subsidies to Green Energy Companies run by Cronies, and the EPA. That's pretty much it.

4. Only the flaring neck gill betrayed Fish-Boy's inner turmoil.

5. "OK, kid, you stay on that side of the barrier, we'll keep Senator Reid on this side of the barrier and you'll probably be safe... probably."


Best of blue
kid: "But, the sign only says no fat chicks...."

Best of prince of leaves
Dinesh D'Souza reveals yet another Obama half-brother in dire medical straits...in this case, born ginger.

Best of Spin
Feckless and freckled is no way to go through life.

Best of dadoctah
Out there, somewhere, the next Jared Loughner awaits his moment....

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Only 11 years old, Freddy's already hopelessly lost in his "nothing box."

Best of Steve O
Smile kid. Your face looks like your t-shirt.

Best of  Dr. Doom
Ironically later in life, Clyde would unsuccessfully attempt to use this picture to convince the death panel that he was a true disciple and thus worthy of receiving the quadruple bypass operation...

Best of  Cat Whisperer
If you wear the right t-shirt, Michelle Obama doesn’t make you eat your vegetables.

Best of Dactyl
Gimme a break, its laundry day.

After 4 Years of the SCOAMF, We Could Use Some R&R

This is kind of like 1980 all over again... If George HW Bush had been the nominee and Ronald Reagan the token conservative added to the ticket to excite the base.


1. "Sorry, old chum, should have warned you about the strength of my Mighty Mormon Trouser Coughs. They cause cancer in women, but you should be fine."
2. "Hey Paul, have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"
3. "My secret plans for Global Domination are hidden in my tax returns."
4. "Did you bring the chains, Paul? You were supposed to bring the chains!"
5. At a campaign stop in Virginia, Paul Ryan does a spot-on impression of a Biden campaign speech by making fart noises in his hands.




Best of dadoctah
So the GOP gives *itself* double facepalms?

Best of GregMan
"Mitt, I just can't quit you!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
If Ryan can actually play that harmonica decently, we've already won.

Best of prince of leaves
"Yeah, well, after you've seen Cindy Sheehan flash her boobs at the stage a few...uh...dozen times, you'll learn to control the gag reflex."

Best of Double the U
and then...(giggle) and then I told them we are both really conservative.... bwaa ha ha

Best of Dr. Doom
Transcript of the CNN News Ticker after a Romney campaign stop:
Romney: "So after the desk clerk refused to have extra mints placed on my pillow, I bought the hotel chain, fired his whole family and gave his wife cancer."
Ryan: "Oh Mitt you absolutely slay me!"

Best of Submariner
Here's a little number we like to call "The low-down, smug-faced, dirtly lyin' MSM blues."

Hey, Is That an Indian?



1. She was, unfortunately, the bitch that didn't fall off.

2. "Oh, Hell yes!!! This is way better than my usual 4 D-Cell marital aid."

3. The bike is actually just 1/32nd Indian.

4. You can tell the bike is an Indian from the high handlebars.

5. Now spend the rest of your day getting the image of Elizabeth Warren riding someone's "hog" out of your head.


Best of Cat Whisperer
“Wheee! I’m part of a marauding band coming for your factory!”

Best of metalgarth
The Hell's Angels' plan to "add diversity to the membership base" was an epic fail.

Best of AJ
Born to be White

Best of John.....just John
You got a motorcycle? Good for you! But you didn't get that motorcycle on your own. Nobody in this country got a motorcycle on his own!

Best of Dr. Doom
Look one of America's biggest hogs... and the motorcycle isn't bad either...

Best of Rodney Dill
Bleeder of the Pack

Friday, August 17, 2012

It's a Gas, Man.

..................arf



1. The Critics were unimpressed with this year's Whitney Biennial.

2. Michael Moore's interns rig up for the aftermath of 'Taco Bell Friday.'

3. "Oh, it's true, you can get SUPER HIGH from mixing household bleach and ammonia. We're just gonna stand over here by these inept watercolors while you guys try it." The nerds get their final revenge on the cool kids.

4. 2022: Visitors to the Obama Presidential Library are advised to be prepare themselves for the massing stench of rotting failure that permeates the place.

5. The National Gallery presents "Framed Pages from Joe Biden's Coloring Books" and some sort of idiotic performance art involving gas masks from Laurie Anderson.


Best of Submariner
The Secretary of State has obvioulsy queefed in, errr, VISITED this classroom before...

Best of Submariner
In unison:"Nice perfume; must you MARINATE in it?

1Best of Dr. Doom
Ad agency executives waiting for the DNC to pitch their campaign ad ideas...

Best of Cat Whisperer
Loyal Obama supporters do their part to reduce CO2 emissions to offset the carbon footprint of the First Family’s latest vacation.

Best of Rodney Dill
Bean Burrito lunch day as P.S. 251



More Fun with Prince Chucklehead



1. "Shameless infidel females! Under my reign, they will be in burqas or they will be beheaded. Allahu Akbar!!"

2. "One of those birds is actually Prince Edward, you say? My guess would be the one in the Peg Bundy fright wig at 8 o'clock."

3. "Thank you for the thoughtful birthday gift, chaps, but I'm quite gay, you know."

4. "Camilla, I've changed my mind. I wish to be reincarnated as a pair of their knickers."

5. "I say, who put up the pictures of these morbidly obese birds on my wall?" dub's identity revealed at last.



Best of GregMan
"My word, those women are so 'ot it's making me jacket turn all sorts 'o funny colors."


Best of dadoctah
Aaron Spelling's original concept called for the first season to end with the Angels discovering Charlie's identity.


Best of  Steve O
Okay this is really related to the picture exactly, but have you ever noticed what a great face Charles would have if he were a clown?
Just a regular clown I mean. I mean, like in a circus, with funny hair, red cheeks and a big nose. Oh damn. What I mean is... oh, never mind.


Best of prince of leaves
"Hmpf. This must be from one of the overseas locations - the birds in the London Playboy Club all look like Susan Boyle."


Best of Dactyl
Well, Obama may have given the Queen a recording of his own speeches, and a bunch of useless DVDs to the Prime Minister, but at least Prince Chuck got something he'll enjoy.


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sigh, I looked almost that pretty back when mummy made me wear petticoats.


Best of Dr. Doom
The British Vaccination PSA was typically more understated and tasteful than its American counterpart...

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

No Cap, Just Biden...





Best of GregMan
I see Sarah Jessica Parker is working for a Down's Syndrome charity now.


Best of Dr. Doom
Look, a picture of a noble, reliable, sure footed, hard working American... and an ass.

Best of Steve O
To avoid appearing to the smarter than his President all Dick Cheney had to do was shoot his lawyer in the face.
Joe Biden on the other hand...

Good Advice. Listen to their Breasts





Best of Dr. Doom
What you will need if you date the Smith sisters...

Best of dadoctah
Shelley, at right, was thwarted in her plans to promote the Nintendo Entertainment System by the arrival of her two smartass roommates.

Negroes I Have Met While Yachting

[Idiot racist libs will not realize the threadline is the punchline to a joke regarding 'The Shortest Books Ever Written.' See also, 'Great Feminist Comediennes,' 'Great Italian Military Victories,' and "Successful Socialist Economies."]



1. "Look, over there. A part of the economy that hasn't been destroyed. Let's tax and regulate it to death!"

2. "What the hell is that thing?" The Obamas were baffled by the sight of a working American with a meaningful job.

3. "Yeah, man, if we really could shoot death beams from our fingertips, all them crackers be dead!"

4. "Yup, that would also be a great place for a mosque. You're getting really good at this, Malia."

5. SCOAMF off the port bow! Load torpedoes!



Threadwinnner!!!!!! Cat Whisperer
“Ahoy, there’s the pirate Barack and his Black Beard!”

Assistant Threadwinner Dr. Doom
Hmmm... the president's attention is focused on something inconsequential while the helm goes unmanned. Remind you of anything?

Best of Jack Reacher
"In just a few years, this will be our entire Navy. We'll park it over there and rent it out for Eid feasts."

Best of metalgarth
We did not get sufficient 'Harumphs' out of those crackers over there!

Best of blue
There! Right There! Right there is where we are going to throw Biden overboard!!

Best of Dr. Doom
"No honey that isn't a whale", replied the First Lady, "It is the bloated corpse of the economy floating in a sea of despair. Daddy is our hero isn't he?"

Best of  prince of leaves
ORA: When genealogists revealed Michelle and Barack's distant common ancestor was a Marsh from Innsmouth, Massachusetts, they immediately scheduled a "family reunion" vacation there.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Yes, Well, Good Luck With That...


1. "Oh, crap, this was supposed to say I heart heart heart polygons," said the guy who recently mastered geometry.

2. Meaning, I guess, he faps with BOTH hands.

3. Jesus Christ returns... and it turns out he's a Mormon.

4. "Polygamy's the one where you do it with dogs and horses right?"

5. "What, that's not how you spell Papayas?  Frakkin' Public Schools!"



Best of Son Of The Godfather
Someone sent this college freshman picture of Ryan to the Romney campaign, and the rest was history.

Best of Cat Whisperer
Desperate to raise money, the Obama campaign auctions off the T-shirt that the President’s father sent him from Kenya.

Best of GregMan
"Well, no, I've never actually touched a woman,..."

Best of Steve O
Du-u-u-ude That's ME there!
My target market of chicks who dig scruffy hair, full beards, no guns, and grandma's sunglasses was too large.
That t-shirt is a way to narrow my appeal.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
".... as long as there are no fat chicks."

The Brains of the Outfit


Did I say "Chains?" I meant "gimp suit." 


Best of Son Of The Godfather
Awww, someone put directions for which way to face up there on the podium for him.

Best of Spin
Blue shirt guy gives the universal sign for "what a jack off"

Best of Cat Whisperer
“They're going to put y'all back in chains! As Benjamin Franklin’s wife Aretha once said, ‘Chain, chain, chain, chain, chain, chain, chain, chain, chain, chain of fools.’”

Best of jimmy
Biden continues: "And then, after they put you back in chains, they'll take away your basketball courts and close down all the KFCs!"
Man at left: "Did that woman's head just explode??".
Man at right: "If they need something to string him up with, I'll loan them my tie."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Look on the plus side", whispered the campaign handler to his colleague, "At least he didn't offend the Hispanic, Native American, and Muslim communities. That is quite a hat trick for our guy"...

Anderson Cooper's Wife Caught Cheating


1. "Hey, you kids.... get off on my lawn," shrieked old man Barney Frank.

2. A little while later, Mitch developed a rash. After performing the standard Wasserman-Schulz test, the doctor confirmed it was syphilis.

3. So, that explains why the Coopers have the worst cut lawn AND the highest-paid groundskeeper.

4. Most of the public never realized that 'Anderson Cooper 360' was his code for a reacharound.

5. "You kiss well." "Thanks, Harry Reid started teaching me when I was eight."


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
David Attenborough whispers: OMG, why the hell didn't someone put a sign next to that motion-sensor wildlife camera?

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
It will always be too soon for Ang Lee to remake The Hunger Games.

Best of Spin
Albino sugar daddy was not amused

Best of Dr. Doom
If you did not immediately notice the topless blonde in this photograph, I have some news for you...

Best of prince of leaves
"Secretary Clinton showed me this *great* way to keep looking young. Let me show you how it works..."

Monday, August 13, 2012

More Convincing than 99% of 'Dr Who' Aliens



1. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, please stand as Beldar and Prymatt sing our National Anthem."

2. "We, the Klansmen from the Future come with a stark warning of how African-Americans will be blamed and exterminated after the total social collapse of civilization in 2015... So, Vote Obama!"

3. So, the London Olympics closed out in a show emceed by Eric Idle, and a singer who sounds just like Eric Idle. (Seriously, compare "It's a Sin" and "The Galaxy Song.")

4. And the Olympics end as they began, with a bizarre ceremony featuring an old queen who doesn't know how to dress.

5. "I'm sorry, I just can't... someone get Gavin Newsom to finish the act."


Best of dadoctah
Up With People have really changed since I was a kid.

Best of  Submariner
I just don't get these "Seeker Sensitive" church services...

Post Title Goes Here


1. "So that's what an 'Eiffel Tower' is. Thanks, Mr. Ryan."

2. "Billy, it's rude to interrupt with a high-five when Jimmy's in the middle of showing me where Senator Reid touched him."

3. "Wonder Twin Powers ... ACTIVATE! Shape of, a serious fiscal reformer! Form of, the Senate Majority Leader's last masturbatory fantasy!"

4. "You guys both got accepted Penn State? Awesome! High-Five Me!"

5. "Who let you rugrats out of the call center? Now get back there and scare up another $3.5 million in donations!"


Best of dadoctah
"Dean, Hank, stop annoying Mr Impossible and get back over here with me and Brock."

Best of GregMan
Liberals across the nation were proved correct after Paul Ryan smashed Timmy's skull in with his bare hand while high-fiving his brother.

Best of metalgarth
You mean that there *is* a snowball's chance in hell, that our generation might not be saddled with a crippling amount of debt and we may live in a constitutional republic once again!

Best of  Dr. Doom
Little Bobby wins the Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader (Political Edition) by answering 'at the top' to the final round question: Where does the post title usually appear in a typical holier than thou right wing Christian blog?

Hey, Girl...

And according to about a quarter of my Facebook friends, these two guys are exactly the same as Biden and Obama. That's right, absolutely No Philosophical, Experiential, or Substantive Differences whatsoever.



1. "No, Senator Reid, the little boy is not for sale."

2. Obama Campaign Ad. "Watch as Mitt Romney's Inhuman Third Arm reaches out from his butt and molests the young boy while simultaneously delivering the Secret Mormon Cancer Touch."

3. In a move likely to alienate the majority of Independent voters, the Republican Party has nominated two guys who are very good at maths.

4. "Note how, unlike Obama's podium, ours do not include a 'Chris-Matthews-Police-Academy-Reenactment Compartment.'"

5. Ryan Thoughtbubble: "Thank God I got this gig. I can finally quit my online-term-papers job."


Best of Dr. Doom
"And I pledge to you that there will be no fat chicks in the Romney Administration", intoned Mr. Ryan...

Best of Steve O
Paul Ryan explains why he selected Mitt Romney to be his Presidential running mate.

Best of Joshua
"And I promise, if elected, our campaign logo gets retired immediately. Unlike the current administration we don't intend to run a permanent never-ending political campaign. Seriously, what's up with that Obama logo thingy. All that symbolism reminds me of the swastika and Nazi Germany. It kind of creeps me out, actually."

Best of GregMan
Last known photograph of Arnold Horshack before Mitt Romney gave him cancer.

What, too soon?

Friday, August 10, 2012

England's Future King and Queen, Ladies and Gentlemen

Divine Miss M


1. Prince Charles of Combover and his consort, the Duchess of Oatbag,
2. Charles. "Say knickers again, it makes me giggle."
3. Another weekend of poking the eyes out of portraits of the Queen while shouting, "Why won't you die you great stupid cow! Die! Die! Die! I will piss on your corpse!"
4. Mutual thought-bubbles: Bulging American Rower Crotches.
5. Camilla patiently endured Charles's pattern of "Fart, then Giggle" well into its eighth hour.


Best of Double the U
Oh look 'er Camellia, a'nodder air for me ed.

Best of Dr. Doom
Dateline London: To while away the long hours between British victories in the Olympic Games, Camilla teaches the Prince of Whales to cross stitch. Their latest project is a "No Fat Chicks" sampler for the royal carriage...

Best of Cat Whisperer
“No, Charles. You know I promised your mother to not let you play with the scissors.”

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
No no dear, you still look as lovely as you did back when I first saw you. Just like Emma, my first polo pony, that is.

Best of prince of leaves
Inbreeding can lead not only to hemophilia, but to mental retardation and physical deformities.

Best of prince of leaves
2015: after the Queen's death and subsequent Republican revolution, members of the former royal family are retrained with job skills appropriate to their natural abilities.

Best of blue
"...and Charles, no more num-nums until you join the Hair Club for men...."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Camilla: and don't forget Charles, Ray Bradbury is visiting next week
Chuckles: can I watch?

Bulging American Pride


1. Off-cam, the Japanese Women's Soccer Team was pointing and screaming "Aiieee Gojira!"
2. "If only he were ten, fifteen years younger," mused the Senate Majority Leader.
3. "You didn't engorge that!" Obama insisted.
4. Henrik Rummel was a little too excited over the prospect of Paul Ryan as VP.
5. And then, V the K's mother began to chant "Someone's got a hard-on! Someone's got a hard-on!" Recalling a humiliating childhood incident that only a sick intercourse would milk for comedic value.


Best of Dr. Doom
Guess which athlete is more popular in the Olympic Village...

Best of Julie the Jarhead
The rival team's Dachshund mascot still hasn't been found.

Best of prince of leaves
Guess which one is the coxswain.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I told you we shouldn't have used that cheap spray-on tan. Everyone's staring at our legs!

Best of racerboy
Oblig Cap #8: "Scuuuuze me while I whip this out!"

Best of Adjustah
Dammit! Looks like six more weeks of winter!

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

OMG!

Divine Miss M


Shallow Hal looks at Hillary Clinton
Best of metalgarth I'M THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH!
Best of Spineless Vertebra Michael Moore finally has a little competition in the Olympic hot dog eating contest. Keywords: a little
Best of Submariner SHE-HULK EAT!
Best of arf "I must have her", breathed the Secretary of State, as she cut short her Johannesburg State Visit, to fly to London and recruit a new intern.
Best of Carpe Phlogiston 2012's Stating the Obvious winning contest entry: "We don't lift weights in order to look hot..."
Best of Steve O PADS. Profound Aesthetic Deficiency Syndrome.
Threadwinner: Adjustah ♫ Hey, me just met you! And me am crazy, Olympic athlete, Who live off gravy!♪
Best of Son Of The Godfather And my vision of that Olympic sex village is tarnished forevermore.
Best of blue Suzie expressed her disapproval when yet another Olympic medal was awarded to Barrack Obama
Best of Whacko "Hey, y'all, I just discovered the Higgs Boson!"
Best of Spin The London Ghostbusters team could not detain Mrs. Stay Puft
Best of blue she can't decide if she's LBG or T

What the Jahannam Is That?

Brender

1. "Neat! How do we make it explode?"
2. "And now Curiosity has landed, speaking of curiosity, ever wanted to try bi?"
3. "By Allah, my penis looks huge through this! Eight... perhaps nine... centimeters."
4. Dearborn High School's Science Fair was once again a huge success.
5. "With this device, we can see how high will the price of oil go in Obama's next term."


Best of  jimmy
Abdul, you're right! I can see right through her burka!
---Ewww, I guess some things ARE best left to the imagination.

Best of metalgarth
That's no moon, that's the governor of New Jersey buying little girls!

Best of Submariner
Abdul, you're right! I can see right through her burka!
Kill her for this indiscretion!

Best of Dr. Doom
"Boy that flying object is going really fast", informed Tariq, "And it is getting really big too..."

Best of GregMan
"You're right, Achmed, the universe is an amazing and wonderful place. Now let's blow it up."

Best of Submariner
This is amazing, Achmen. It is like I was standing in the middle of the car swarm!

Best of Jack Reacher
"TSA failed to check the Mars rover before liftoff. Now, watch this..."

Best of blue
..and if you shine this light on Gotham City's night sky, Batman will meet you in the Bat Cave in 3 minutes




Tuesday, August 07, 2012

First Time Caller, Long Time Second Rate Pornographer



1. "Is this the c-cksucker residence? Is this Four Two One Five Pussy Way?"
2. Obama saved a fortune by outsourcing his fundraising to Kathy Lee Gifford.
3. ORA: "Come on, Billy. We all float down here."
4. "What am I wearing? The nice tight crotchless underwear you gave me, Mr. Safe Schools Czar."
5. "Yeah, and um, Romney never paid taxes for ten years," Billy's prank call to Senator Reid would have national implications.


Best of prince of leaves
"Sorry, Senator Reid...it's a school night."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I can't let you donate to Mr. Obama's campaign for less than $5,000 here, Craig. Ah, you're breaking my balls here, Craig."

Best of dadoctah
"Hello, this is Manesh. How can I be helping you?"

Best of Joshua
"Yeah, I found right-wing Christian web site. Let's organize another 'anti-gay' boycott.... Uhm, I think it sells term papers or something...... Because it says 'a holier than thou right-wing Christian site' right there on the very first page."

Best of metalgarth
Bart Simpson immediately regrets prank calling Jerry Sandusky about 'Amanda Hugginkiss'

Best of Submariner
I told you NEVER to call me at work, Mrs. LeTourneau...

Best of Dr. Doom
"I did so build it. I made it out of Linoln Logs.", exclaimed Billy, "And no, you can't have my piggy bank either. Now stop calling here Mr. Pwesident!"

Nice Boots


1. In a counter-productive move, Chick-Fil-A chose to hire some bodyguards.
2. Hot as all-get-out isn't it?
3. The Army's New Motto. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Just Be Fabulous."
4. And then Army of Mom woke up.
5. Not really a caption, but does this remind anyone else of the calendar Fry's grandpa was looking at on Futurama?


Best of dadoctah
How Sarah Palin sees John McCain.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
French Commando Jacques Strappe oddly enough does not actually go commando.

Best of racerboy
Looks like Ang Lee's started casting calls for Full Metal Jacket...

Best of sonicfrog
How John McCain sees Sarah Palin!!!!

VerWord: largenes

Best of prince of leaves
It's one of those test things:
-- if you saw the dude first, you're gay;
-- if you saw the gun first, you're straight;
-- if you saw the gun first and freaked out OMG A SCARY ASSAULT RIFLE IT KILZ PEEPUL and peed your pants, you're a Democrat.

Best of prince of leaves
The Army experiments with post-DADT recruitment posters.

Best of dadoctah
"One adult ticket for Dark Knight Rises, please...."

Best of Dr. Doom
Due to congressional budget cuts and a rush to production, the new Army X-47 Terminator has developed certain performance flaws in the field. When asked about the flaws, Lt. Bruce Foster replied, "Sure, X-47 has his idiosyncrasies but his stamina and 'survivability' more than make up for it."

Monday, August 06, 2012

Leather Rainbow



1. In unison, "Your costume is ridiculous!"
2. The secret rituals of the Masonic Lodge seem bizarre to outsiders.
3. "Dammit, bitch! This is MY corner for the DNC convention. Take your trampy ass back to Atlanta."
4. Barney Frank narrowed his choices for bridesmaids outfits down to two.
5. "Now, you just keep your bitch mouth shut in front of the adoption people and that little boy is ours!"

Monday One-Shot


1. Confronting reporters outside his Washington Office, Senator Harry Reid once again refuses to submit proof that he is not a pederast.


Best of Shayne
Nancy Pelosi: The early years.

Best of Dr. Doom
"I don't care what you call it Missy", replied Granny to the First Lady, "You are not bringing that shovel to the fancy eatin' table..."

Best of GregMan
I see the Secretary of State has another new hairstyle.

Best of dadoctah
Mister Drysdale still remembers the first time he was called a one-percenter.

Best of Submariner
Granny gets the verdict of the Obamalama Death Panel. And it ain't lookin' good fer them later...

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Granny is none too pleased to get the brush off from Miss Hathaway.

Hitting the Beach, Christie Style...


1. "I'll join you ladies a bit later, just have to squeeze into my Speedo."
2. The tourists from Los Angeles were astonished to meet a fat guy, never having seen one before.
3. The tourists from Michigan were astonished to meet a competent, effective state governor, never having seen one before.
4. The tourists from New York were confused when the man told them, "Welcome, thank you for visiting. I hope you have a pleasant day;" words they had never heard before.
5. The tourists from Massachusetts were astonished to meet a Republican with testicles...



Best of metalgarth
A rare look at an Earth bound member of the Hutt clan checking his newly purchased slave girls.

Best of  Double the U
Hi, Chris Christie nice to eat you.. I mean meet you.
Hello, Chris Christie nice to eat... I mean meet you.
Governor Christie nice to.. MEET you.


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
How to create 4.5 miles of pristine beach:
Girls, I don't want to brag but I can still fit into my Speedo! Wanna see?


Best of Spin
"Mr. Arbuckle I think you have pretty eyes too?
really,really ORA

Sunday, August 05, 2012

No Caption, Just This




Best of prince of leaves
Now you know why they target Chick-Fil-A and not KFC.

Best of metalgarth
Product placement is movies really getting out of hand

Best of blue
Men in White didn't have the box office draw of MiB....

Best of dadoctah
Joe Arpaio and his aides make their way to the courthouse for yet another day of testimony.

Best of Dr. Doom
If A Clockwork Orange had been written by an animal rights activist...

Best of dwhawk
After the Rankin-Bass Christmas fiascos, Burl Ives decides to to butch up his next holiday film.

Threadwinner: Son Of The Godfather
A Cluckwork Orange