Tuesday, July 31, 2012

When Ace Met Gary


1. "Well done, long time companion." "Good show, domestic partner."

2. "Dammit, now I have a boner, and these Speedos leave *nothing* to the imagination."

3. "Dammit, who invited Fred Willard to this event."

4. "A bronze medal! Wait until I show the guys at Folsom Street Fair!"

5. "We're thin, young, and think we're better than everybody else. Let's buy some Abercrombie and Fitch clothing."

It Wouldn't Be Tuesday Without a Queen



1. The Queen was outraged. (ORA) "What is this? A venue for ants? How can the athletes be expected to compete... if they can't fit inside the building. It would have to be at least... three times bigger."

2. "And here we see the Olympic Mosque your, um, son insisted upon."

3. "And here is the outdoor auditorium where the surviving sex pistols are reuniting to perform 'God Save the Queen.'" Cool, huh?

4. "And here is the Monument to Imperial Decline, symbolically located right next to the far more massive NHS Monument."

5. "And this, of course, is the Maximum Security Facility where Fergie, Camilla, and Harry will be safely kept out of public view until after the Games."

Monday, July 30, 2012

Monday is the New Tuesday

Well, it is when you got nothin'



1. "And I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I will always love Y-O-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U!"
2. "Tell the SCOAMF not to wait up."
3. When Klingons get horny, they get blurry.
4. "Hillary may use a strap-on, but I'm all natural, babe."
5. "I don't care where you're carrying me, but there f--king well better be french fries."


Best of  GregMan
You'd be blurry too if you were milliseconds away from having your throat ripped out by a hungry Klingon.

Best of Cat Whisperer
Very few Olympians qualified to compete in the FLOTUS lifting category, and most of those were later eliminated due to steroid use or debilitating injuries.

Best of Submariner
Y'know what'd REALLY turn me on, babe? Write me a college essay.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Big Mo illustrates the tax burdens to be imposed during her husband's second reign.

Best of curly
“…for the SECOND time in my adult life, I’m proud to be an American.”

Best of marco
Observers quaked in horror at the scene of the jaw-unhinging process beginning. Pirozhkova was unfamiliar with FLOTUS' special power, but that wouldn't be the case for long.

Threadwinner: Steve O
The new iPhone camera has a self-defense mode, apparently.

Best of metalgarth
EEEEEK! A Capitalist!

Chick-Fil-A Rebels



1. Sarah Palin wins her bet that a quick stop at Chick-Fil-A would send her left-wing critics into histrionic fits of outrage peppered with juvenile epithets. As the loser, Todd had to turn over all his waffle fries.

2. Chick-Fil-A... the one business the SCOAMF doesn't take credit for building.

3. "So.. because Chick-Fil-A's owners have unacceptable political opinions, they're being banned from Chicago and Boston in the name of 'Tolerance.' Ha! And leftists thought *I* had a problem understanding what words meant."

4. "I'm tellin' ya, Todd, that grouchy old man working the Drive-Thru is Keith Olbermann."

5. Fortunately, the 100,000 new customers Chick-Fil-A will pick up because of the anti-boycott will make up for the loss of Meghan McCain's custom.



Best of  prince of leaves
Sotto voce: "Okay, Todd, let's get the heck out of here. These creepy Stepford people working here are really creeping me out."

Best of  Cat Whisperer
In response, President Obama announced that he would hereafter only eat at restaurants that openly support gay marriage. However his policy of not paying for his meals would remain in effect.

Best of Submariner
The Palins' were obviously pleased that the soft serve machine was filled with Moose Trax tonight.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Sunday Blasphemy


1. "Oh, Stop Rushing. Chick-Fil-A isn't even open on Sundays."

2. "OMG, only a full immersion Baptism can erase the taint of that bizarre Olympics opening Ceremony."

3. "Well, now we're fugitives. And all we said was 'This Halibut is good enough for Jehovah.'"

4. "Stop fretting, Elisha. We are revered figures from the Old Testament. No one's going to make any 'gay' jokes about us."

5. "And yonder is the Mountain the Breaketh Backs. Come, let us pasture our sheep there and share a tent."


Best of prince of leaves
"No, wait! Seriously! I'm telling you I really can heal that gimpy backwards right arm of yours!"

Best of prince of leaves
"No wait! I just want a couple minutes of your time to talk to you about Ronaius Paulus!"

Best of Dr. Doom
Mitt Romney's campaign advisers rushing to get to Chick-Fil-A before closing...

Best of jimmy
"We must rush, Matthew! SuperCuts closes at 6pm!"

Best of Spin
Hurry before they run out of Loaves and Fishes.

Best of metalgarth
Looks like they forgot about the lost Beatitude: "Blessed are those that are in the proper place when their laxative kicks in. For they will find comfort"

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
"We have no time to stop at Chick-Fil-A, Frodo, we must quickly destroy the one ring."

Best of Submariner
ORA? Vorpal bunny! Vorpal bunny! VORPAL BUNNY!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

The 2013 Special Michael Moore Edition Cadillac

Gears and Gridirons


Best of Mr. Right The new Ghostbusters sequel will feature a familiar foe in a hot new ride: Behold - the Stay-Puft Marshmoblie! Best of Mr. Right Chevy presents the new "Cartman"... it's not fat, it's just big-boned! Best of JohnS1959 Anaphylactic shock - it is never pretty... Best of prince of leaves Ethanol would come to be known as the high-fructose corn syrup of motor fuels. I was sad when I heard the Honda Element and the PT Cruiser are both discontinued. I should have just been more patient. Best of S2 Corn based fuel and the old banana up the tail pipe trick feature prominently in the rebooted My Mother The Car TV show. Best of dwhawk The Radiator Springs Playhouse is proud to present Lightning McQueen in "The Elephant Man". Best of Steve O Is it just me, or did Christine's lesbian car girlfriend get fat?

Friday, July 27, 2012

Blubble Blubble Blubble

Stoo


1. "I don't think the waiter was happy with his 4% tip."
2. "This never would have happened if we'd gone to Chick-Fil-A like I wanted to."
3. "But how can he be sure his contact lens isn't in there if he doesn't check?"
4. "Is it hard being a conjoined twin?"
5. "I know extended breast-feeding is a huge among New Age parents, but... SRSLY?"


Best of dadoctah
"TSA, ma'am. Just checking."

Best of prince of leaves
Habits learned in childhood can last a lifetime. Take Bob's reflexive response to thunder...

Best of Spin
Ann Coulter suspects her date may be bi-sexual.

Best of curly
Got milk?

Best of JohnS1959
"Boy they weren't kidding when they said this was a full service restaurant", said Betty.

Won't You Come Out Tonight?


1. "Next!" Aretha Franklin's search for her next inaugural marches on.
2. They were unsure what to do for horns until they stumbled upon Tampons in the new Janet Napolitano size.
3. Women can't just come out and say "I'm horny," they have to put out subtle cues. You have to be alert for them.
4. Marge Simpson: Satanist.
5. "Let's beat the crap out of that triple-breasted Thursday Hoor."


Best of JohnS1959
The hazing rituals were never the same after Wilma and Betty joined the Loyal Order of the Water Buffaloes...

Best of blue
The Sally Ride fan club celebrates her life

Best of dadoctah
I think I've finally lost all interest in the Indigo Girls.

Best of Spin
This season of The "L" Word goes quite butch.

Best of Steve O
Eat your heart our Princess Beatrice!

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
How awkward! Amanda Bearse and Ellen DeGeneres both show up at the GLBT Halloween party wearing the same Rosie O'Donnell costume.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Almost First Rate Pron

Plenty More Where That Came From


Triple Set



Best of  GregMan
ORA: Eccentrica Gallumbits is doing well, I see.

Best of prince of leaves
Looks like the replicant outlet is having another factory-defect sale.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
AP News, Comic Con 2012: Disgraced ex-president Clinton was transported to a local hospital after walking smack into a support column. His last words were, "Oh My..." thunk

Best of dadoctah
bOOObs.

Best of Steve O
Answer: Of course I would!



Wednesday, July 25, 2012

A Horse in a Starbuck's, Why Not?



1. "... and the barista says, 'Why the long face?'"
2. "I thought you said President Obama was at Starbucks." "No, I said I saw a brown horse's ass in a Starbuck's."
3. "OK, that's one Venti Soy Latte for you, Mr. Broderick. And what will Mrs. Jessica Parker have?"
4. "Well, Ms. Streep signed up to play Catherine the Great of Russia in her next movie, and she's very commtted to method acting. So, can I get that caramel shot Cappucino to go, please?"
5. "I'm setting up a business to sell bottled horse piss to hipsters. I mean, hey, they drink Pabst Blue Ribbon don't they?"s


Best of GregMan
"...and how many creams, Miss Parker?"
*clop* *clop*

Best of Cat Whisperer
In Mitt Romney’s neighborhood, all of the Starbucks have Dressage Thru Windows.

MIWFWYD

OK, Who Can Unscramble the Threadline. Hint, Think MILF 


1. Mrs. Kleinschmidt never understood why none of her son's friends accepted her offer to "stay for dessert." After all, who doesn't like pound cake?
2. Ah, that special moment when your reed-thin, high-voiced, sports-averse son announces he's chosen the drag name "Mona Lovesit."
3. New UPS drivers were taught "When you make a delivery to the Kleinschmidt house, just throw it on the porch and run like hell."
4. The Mormon missionaries were delighted when Mrs. Kleinschmidt enthusiastically invited them in. Their dessicated husks, drained of life force, were found in a dumpster two days later.


Best of metalgarth
I still say the original "Munsters" was the best.

Best of metalgarth
Come on in... I need some Nerd Topping.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The FBI traced a rash of identity theft complaints and PC crashes to Chinese malware known as the Gullible Sick Intercourse exploit.

Best of dadoctah
It's official. We've finally run out of photogenic Kardashians.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I Am Mean


1. After so many years on the island, Hurley and Ben just got lonely.
2. "Does my breath smell like dog penis?"
3. Grizzly Addams and Jesse Ventura were married in a casual, civil ceremony this week.
4. Hall & Oates once again deny rumors of a renuion tour. Music world greatly relieved.
5. "I'm such a lightweight. 14 beers and I'm down for anything."


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Bald Bouncer's Thawtbubble: Man, this guy can't hold his liquor. Licking contests normally don't start until the fourth pitcher.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
VH1 presents - Where Are They Now: Voldemort and Hagrid

Best of GregMan
Ang Lee remakes "Grumpy Old Men" with predictably horrifying results.

Best of dub
Which nerd is the top?

Best of dadoctah
Ironically, all you *can* get out of this guy is a harrumph.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Two Commies and the Windy City





Best of Cat Whisperer “Oh my God. I'm back. I'm home. All the time, it was ... We finally really did it ... You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!”
Best of HLam
"One city remaining until the prophecy is complete."
Best of prince of leaves
"We've replaced Reagan's 'Shining City on a Hill' with this 'Corrupt Metropolis in a Ditch'...let's see if the voters notice!"
Best of GregMan
"You didn't build that."
Best of curly
...Windy City, blah blah blah, M'Celle's queefs, blah blah blah...

Best of metalgarth
It took all of Michelle's willpower to not start climbing up the exterior of the Sears Tower with a chalk faced whore in hand.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Quick, help me pull the body out! I have a feeling Acorn's going to need all the voters they can get this time.
Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Wow, from way out here, you barely notice the crime, despair and crumbling infrastructure!"

I Used to Have Such a Pretty Mind


Best of  prince of leaves
Funny, I wouldn't have guessed that M'Chel was circumcised.
Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Dub will critique the belly fat as soon as he stops projectile vomiting.

Best of dadoctah
I seriously do not get where Axe body spray is going with this latest ad.

Best of prince of leaves
It's amazing what a healthy diet and good grooming can do for an Uruk-Hai.

Best of Midnight Ramblings
Meet the San Francisco 49ers starting middle linebacker...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
If the Testosterone and Estrogen prescriptions truly were switched, it would explain everything about this presidency.

Friday, July 20, 2012

If you're not into Halo, there's a lot of ORA here


1. Apparently, the UNSC has revoked its "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.
2. After being banned last year for improper use of Slave Leia costumes, the Butterface Brigade arrives at ComicCon.
3. Even cheerleaders were required to wear the NFL's new "Concussion Resistant" headgear.
4. "Is that a plasma sword in your pocket, or possibly a battle rifle, or maybe a needler. Notice how I immediately reject the possibility you are happy to see me."
5. "I see one of us is not Sharia compliant. Stone her to death! Oh, and Welcome to Canada."

Things Not Likely to Change


1. File Under: "No kidding."
2. Darrell's T-shirt got lots of attention; mainly from Islamic suicide bombers having second thoughts.
3. "Sex. No thank you. I have a midnight screening of Dark Knight Rises to get to." (Too Soon?)
4. "Oh, I'll get laid soon... as soon as I get some help from Obama, of course."
5. His T-shirt's candor and honesty was a complete contrast to this guy's:


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Evil Live


1. The dress code at Livonia's public schools were surprisingly lax.
2. Rejected Madonna Costume Design #3650986. Reason: Too obvious.
3. Joss Whedon proudly returns to television with his new series: Waifish Morally Ambiguous Ass-Kicker. 

Job for a Cowgirl

Giddyap


Silly Flickr

"Owner has disabled downloading of their pictures made downloading of their pictures slightly more annoying" - FIFY


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Talk to the Hand


1. "And now you see why you should never let grandma catch you masturbating."
2. "Come with me if you want to live."
3. "With these cybernetic implants, my pimp hand is 2000% stronger."
4. "IED? No, kid. I tried to take M'Chel's eatin' shovel away before she was done."
5. The weird part is, if Anakin and Padme had just settled down in suburban Milwaukee it still would have been a better movie than ANY of the prequels.

Wookie Ball


1. Even M'Chel joined in the chants of "SCOAMF! SCOAMF!"
2. The SCOAMF quietly resented those basketball players taking credit for his jump shots.
3. If the SCOAMF seemed distracted, it was only because he could not shake the image of the huge bearded lesbian who had confronted him earlier that Tuesday.
4. As M'Chel bellowed for the hot dog vendor's attention, the SCOAMF thought it was a waste of time anyway since he had forgotten his spoon.
5. "Basketball is OK," thought the SCOAMF. "But sometimes I wish they would just fight to the death for my pleasure."

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Men's Country


1. And another Old Testament prophet comes out of the closet.

2. The preezy was grateful for his Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered supporters, but never before had he met anyone who fit into all four categories.

3. The preezy answered. "Well, I am extremely thin, insanely narcissistic, and financially irresponsible. So, I guess that makes me a 'twink.'"

Best of metalgarth OH NO!!! The DNC got hold of Duane Allman's zombie. Best of Submariner Better not be ORA: "It's TWUE!" "It's TWUE!" Best of Double the U "Listen here Grizzly Adams, just because I said it was okay for you to marry doesn't mean you can kiss me like that!"... (whispers)"In public (wink)." Best of Submariner Heimdall is informed that "Garm was DELICIOUS! at lunch but Fenris was a bit gamey." Best of Cat Whisperer “LGBT for Obama,” the President solemnly intoned while wagging his finger, accidently mistaking the gay Scotsman for his teleprompter. Best of dadoctah I've completely given up trying to keep up with Nick Nolte. Best of Carpe Phlogiston The disguise worked perfectly. After nearly 3 years of marginalization, Biden finally gets face time with Obamalama. Best of Dactyl Say, didn't we do a photoshoot for a socks ad once? Did you keep your socks too? Best of curly Wow, the Ghost Of Christmas Past has really let himself go. Best of prince of leaves Pfft, so what, we've known for ten years that Ian McKellen is gay and a liberal. Best of Joshua "I just met you and this is crazy, but here's my number so call me maybe." Threadwinner Son Of The Godfather With the current state of the economy, the DNC couldn't really afford Stills, Nash, or Young. Best of Rodney Dill "Kenneth! What is the Frequency?"

Sometimes, You WIsh You Could Just Kick the 70s in the Ballsack


Threadwinner prince of leaves Like Jill Greenberg, the photographer would dine out on this single gimmick for his entire career, culminating in the famous picture of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck Damn right we're wearing sunglasses. Wouldn't you? Best of prince of leaves Ahh, memories - what business conventions were like before women broke through the glass ceiling and ruined everything. Best of GregMan Soon afterwards, The Village People decided those socks simply had to go, and the rest was history. Best of Submariner I wish the NY Times would just quit publishing pictures of Abu Ghraib already... What? "Tailhook?" Best of Spineless Vertebra The original Like Mike movie was disappointing to females everywhere. Best of dadoctah At that moment, Fred MacMurray decided it was best to just retire quietly.... Best of Carpe Phlogiston Later, the photographer swore he heard the Lucite cubes quietly sobbing. Best of Snowdog For the last time, V the K, stop hacking into Barney Frank's personal computer!

Monday, July 16, 2012

What Kind of Jackass Eats an Ice Cream Cone with a Spoon?

Weasel Zippers



1. This is almost as embarrassing as the time he ate dog with the "unclean" hand.
2. "Man, they got pissy when I refused to pay. Don't they know they didn't build that? Ingrates!"
3. "Eating ice cream out of one of Madonna's old stage costumes... So decadent!"
4. "What an odd topping, 'Essence of Chris Matthews.'"
5. "I can't tell the difference between soylent ice cream and the real thing."


Best of Submariner
Meanwhile, just out of frame, M'Chel is going at a 5 gallon bucket of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkee with her eatin' shovel...
"Chunky Monkey" is racist ice cream - V

Best of Rodney Dill
What Kind of Jackass Eats an Ice Cream Cone with a Spoon?
A double dip

Best of Dr. Doom
"Boy that soda jerk got testy when I asked him to donate his tip jar to my campaign", thought Mr. Obama.

Best of Spin
BHO's thoughtbubble: Carpe thanks for the ice cream ,unlike Mitt I don't spend my own money.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Obamalama Thawtbubble: Ooooh Oooooh Brain Freeze! Gotta pity Biden, he feels like this 24/7.

Threadwinner: Cat Whisperer
“Mmmm, delicious. You are granted my Royal Warrant, purveyor of ice cream man, and shall henceforth display my campaign symbol and a sign over your establishment that reads, ‘By Appointment to His Majesty, President Barrack Hussein Obama.’ I am also raising your taxes by 30%.”

Best of metalgarth
Fine, Lenny, spend the afternoon with your 'friend Smithers'. See if I care.

Best of curly
Soylent green served up as ice cream! That Joe Biden's a damn genious!



The Triumph of the Obama Foreign Policy Marches On


1. Apparently, a cultural misunderstanding was going around that Hillary would eat all of their carpets.

2. A similar misunderstanding about the initials "B.F.E." led to Anderson Cooper's expulsion.

3. "Your hideous pantsuits are an offense to our burqas!"

4. In fairness, Hilldawg sans make-up bears a striking resemblance to Imhotep.

5. Fortunately, Hilldawg's experience dodging mortar fire in Bosnia helped her deal with the fusillade of tomatoes and shouts of "Monica! Monica!"

Friday, July 13, 2012

Why is the SCOAMF Dressing like Ann Romney?

Just Askin'?

Mmmm, Delicious Substance


1. The guy who made the bet "If Romney gets a standing Ovation at the NAACP conference, I'll eat Michael Moore's navel lint" pays up.

2. "Sure, it looks like sh-t, and it smells like sh-t, but there's really only one way to be sure."

3. And Number 41,357 on the list of "Things Easier to Swallow Than Obama's Official Biography."

4.  For lunch, his choices were "Whatever I get from the body cavity search on that goat herder" or "Arby's."

5. Starfleet was scandalized when Word of Starbase 14's 'Tribble Eating Contests" leaked out.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

50 Shades of Wrong

Link Via Twitter




Which reminds me of this...


And in a related Story: Puritanical Republican Sex Police Once Again Impose Their Morality into the Sacred Privacy of the Bedroom.

Happy 7-11

Sondrakistan



Best of GregMan
The origin story of "Aluminum Beach Chair Man" was about what you'd expect.

Best of Rodney Dill
Mongo like Big Gulp.

Best of Rodney Dill
...later recognized for putting out the Waldo Canyon fire, nearly single-handedly.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
People laughed at Lonnie whenever he'd walk out of a 7-11 with the Big Big Gulp, but he didn't care. Lonnie's now living it up on a South Sea Island after cashing in 924 UNICEF bottles full of change he shoplifted in a hole cut in the bottom.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Dave, when the doctor told you to limit your soda intake to one cup a day..."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hey Bloomburg", shouted Carl, "I got your big gulp right here buddy. Come suck on it"!

Best of  Dactyl
When Lilliputians go on road trips.

Best of dadoctah
"Beverage situation is nominal. Commencing road trip." Dave had overlooked his later need for bathroom breaks. But at least he had the cup.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Carnivorous Beach Chair strikes again.

I Forget Who Sent This. My bad.



1. "Aieeeeeeeee! Gojira!"
2."Take Kirstie Ally to the beach, you said. It'll be fun, you said."
3. Michael Moore remembered the two drums of bean dip but forgot the desk of Fritos. Angrily, he stamped back to the Bentley.
4. "Well Becky, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here on the beach. I haven't the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist."
5. Sumo groupies more than made up for the occasional humiliations.


Best of Steve O
Oh man. Check out the size of those beer cans. I think I can piece together what happened here.

Best of dadoctah
"Puny humans! Hulk embarrass!"

Best of prince of leaves
Chaz Bono's first post-op visit to the beach didn't turn out the way he'd dreamed it would.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Don't nobodies move! I dropped a contact... and my stash of snickerdoodles!

Best of Rodney Dill
OMG! Fifi was sleeping on that chair.

Best of whacko
"Don't get too close, Becky, you'll get pulled into its gravitational pull."

Best of GregMan
"No no no, TOILET TUNA, not BEACH WHALE!"

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
As Denise and Hannah watched in terror, the possessed lawn chair devoured Rosie.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Okay, I'm 100% convinced that that is a damn moon.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"That's no moon! That's a... well, no, it's not that, either. Just... run for it!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Oh.. my... God, Becky, look at her butt! She's one of those rap guy's girlfriends! It's just so... white!" Sir Mix-A-Lot's comeback record and accompanying video hit an unforeseen snag.



Tuesday, Late Edition


1. The Eternal Gay Dilemma: Swallow or Spit?

2. Mayor Bloomberg's anti-soda campaign was misguided and confusing.

3. I understand Ang Lee's first attempt at comedy will include a lot of spit-takes.

4. Even Tuesday Twinks are doing their part to fight Colorado forest fires.

5. "Suck Down a Coke." - If Sal ran Sterling-Cooper. (ORA? Yeah, probably ORA.)

Monday, July 09, 2012

Obama Whips Out His Tool


1. It got worse when Slim Pickens showed up and asked him to sing 'Camptown Ladies.'
2. Stupid bastard couldn't handle a pick if there were a booger at the end of it.
3."I haven't handled a tool this big since my Man's Country days."
4. Thoughtbubble. "I can tell these stupid bitter clingers are impressed with the manly and certain way I wield this... whatever it's called."
5. "Yeah, you shoulda made that left turn at Albuquerque. Somebody wipe these rabbit brains off my pick."


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
What do you mean, it's a fire ant mound? These little...OMFG!!! GET 'EM OFF! EEEK!!! GET 'EM OFF!!

Best of dadoctah
One day at the arugula mines....

Best of Cat Whisperer
Desperate to borrow more money, the President digs a hole to China.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Dammit, this is where the ball landed... this is where we put the green and the hole."

Best of Double the U
It wasn't so much the way he swung the pick but the little nasal squeaky sound he made as he swung it.

Best of blue
Let's see...birth certificate, college transcripts, passports, draft card, social security card.....

Best of Submariner
"...and Rahm's a-grinnin'"

Best of metalgarth
Carl finally made sure that Lenny wasn't going to talk to Smithers after hours again.

Best of  Jack Reacher
"Throwing people under the bus is so 2008. Now it's Whack-A-Former-Ally."

Best of GregMan
This would be a lot more impressive if he didn't need the TelePrompTer to tell him which end to hold.

Best of prince of leaves
After "shovel-ready" became an unfunny punch-line, it was time for a brilliant new think-outside-the-box jobs strategy from the Lightworker's brain-trust. Thus, "pick-ready" was born.

Best of Steve O
Obama demonstrates his semi-mastery of another blunt instrument with another ceremonial activity having no actual or apparent benefit.

And he's also shown here with a pickaxe.

Best of Dactyl
"Some people say, if you're in a hole you should stop digging. I say, uh, they're just trying to avoid digging their fair share."



Come Here, Y'Little Bastard


1. "You're safe now. Madonna decided to adopt a kid from another village."


2. "Can I touch your head again? Mmmmm.... fuzzy."

3. "Please... Mr... Bush... Let.. go... can't... breathe..."

4. 43 Thoughtbubble: "Bill Clinton's probably playing motorboat in Kate Upton's pontoons right now and here I am hugging some African kid with AIDS. FML."

5. "Don't cry, Mr Bush. We all make mistakes. Look at the bright side. Maybe John Roberts will get hit by a bus."

Betting on America to Make the Same Mistake Twice


1. "C'mon 7! Daddy needs a new Canaidan-built campaign bus."

2. "Betting on America" sounds so much more positive than "Gambling with your children's future."

3. "Betting on America," in the "secret kill list, massive Chinese debt, damn the Constitution" sense of "America."

4. And if America doesn't win, the SCOAMF will bitch-slap it, like so.

5. "Betting on America" to never find out what's in those college transcripts.


Best of HLam
"I'm putting all 15.6 trillion on the Blacks. No, wait, on Blacks. Ack! On Black! ON BLACK!"

Best of blue
"and you all know the definition of insanity - doing the same thing twice expecting a different outcome..."

Best of GregMan
"Baaamy, how I love me how I love me, my dear old Baaamy!"

Best of Rodney Dill
'Cause gambling is the only industry we got left here.

Best of  Cat Whisperer
You’ve got all your bets covered with me, America! I’m half Black and all Red!”

Best of JohnS1959
Unfortunately the only bookies brave enough to take the action were giving 12:1 odds - against...

Best of Rodney Dill
It worked for Pete Rose.


4.  "But don't call my bluff, America. 'Cos seriously, I got nothin'"

Saturday, July 07, 2012

You see son, when a house and a pick-up love each other very, very much...

Stoo



Best of Rodney Dill
Rustic Charm, Air conditioning, attached Garage....

Best of Christopher
So we don't have a basement garage?

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Seriously, ma'am," the state trooper queried, "How on God's green earth did you do this?"

Best of sonicfrog
Man... I kept telling that truck, if it didn't stop continually taunting those poor foreclosed houses with its "Obama 2012" bumper sticker, something like this would happen!

Best of Spin
♫ Ding Dong the Truck is Dead. the mean ol' Truck, the polluting Truck...♪

Best of prince of leaves
The tornado took away Verlene, Ol' Duke, and his prized possum gun, but what made Vern cry was seeing what it did to his pickup and the double-wide.

Best of Rodney Dill
Quick... grab the ruby mudflaps

Friday, July 06, 2012

And he said Republicans wouldn't life a finger to create jobs....

Weasel Zippers


SCOAMF Responds to June Jobs Report

JWF




Best of metalgarth
Him: "I'm gonna keep drinkin' till she becomes hot"
Her: "I'm gonna keep drinkin' till I'm brain damaged enough to vote for him again"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Gah, this beer tastes like piss.
Heyyyyyy!!!

Best of  Rodney Dill
Obama: "SKOAL!!!"
Girl: "SCOAMF!!!"

Best of  joshua
Oh, I've got one. A drinking game. Try postin a capshun at VK after drinking several of these. That word verifier, man. First, you try to think of something clever, you know, that makes sense, then it's like... what the fruck is a "stonsiff"? "Stonsuff"? What does that say??

Best of Spin
Barry's Thawtbubble: So this is where da white wimmin be at.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Man, this is a good beer," Obama thought. "You can really taste the arugula in it."

Best of  jimmy
After yet another unfortunate gaffe from Joe Biden, Valerie Jarrett and Barry O are forced to retreat to their "war room" to "strategize".

Best of Jack Reacher
Standard Caption # 2613:
"Light, insubstantial, with no follow-through. The beer is okay, though."

Lots of Lip and Tongue Action

It Came From The Brigade


1. "OMG! Please, Miss Lohan, pull over. We want to live! We want to live!"

2. "Oooooh! They're playing 'Call Me, Maybe.' 'Scuse us while we fag out!"

3. After their first ever Bangkok Lap Dances, it took a week for their expressions to fade.

4. "On second thought, let's not act out the final scene of 'Thelma and Louise.'"

5. Some guys got way too excited about the BK bacon sundae. Not these guys. Their reactions are completely appropriate.

Hangin' Around


1. "Damn! That *is* good weed."

2. When Cthulu is invoked properly, the results are noticeable.

3. When 'Light as a feather, stiff as a board' goes horribly awry.

4. Sullivan's Google Search... yadda yadda yadda... stiff military men... yadda yadda yadda....

5. "You see, if Dumbledore had mastered a simple levitation spell like this, he never would have died."

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Dad?

Van Helsing

1. Chief Justice Roberts relaxes following his horrific Obamacare ruling.
2. Folsom Street celebrates our country's founding in its own special way.
3. "Welcome to 360, I'm Anderson Cooper."
4. Some of the eliminations from Mittens's VP list were easier than others.
5. In case you're wondering where dub has been...

Best of GregMan
    That mustache makes the whole outfit look silly.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
    The unique hair colors had never bothered me before, but this look doesn't work for Katy Perry.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    As the Secret Service scandal probe expands, yet another hooker steps forward to demand payment for services rendered.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Budweiser, the King of Beers, meets Bruce, the Queen of... San Francisco.

Best of metalgarth
    now... where's my revolver and my mountain bike?

Best of Submariner
    ...on the other hand; King Triton's son made Ariel seem like the best behaved little mergal in the Pacific.

Two Smiles



1. Anderson Cooper is Rock Hudson in Ang Lee's Pillow Talk. 


2. If it makes you feel better, just imagine they both got Mega-Burritos at Taco Bell

3. "We're both unemployed and our neighborhood has been overrun by MS-13, but the important thing is, Obama supports gay marriage."




4. And then the camera pulls back to reveal a pile of horrible corpses... M. Night Shamalan, U R A Genius! 

5. And then the producers of 'Dan in Real Life' decided to go with pancakes instead.


 Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Joe Rogan hints at how gross the next episode of Fear Factor's going to get.

Best of blue
there is a Toilet Tuna joke in here somewhere.......

Best of dadoctah
"You're gonna say I'm crazy, but I swear I can hear the ocean!"

Best of GregMan
"Hm hm hmm, dancing cheek to cheek..."

Best of Spin
Two smiles One breath

Best of metalgarth
What? No Butt Closure!

Best of  prince of leaves
Yeah, you'd have a dumb, vacant smile on your face too if you'd just been lobotomized through the ear with a penis.

Best of dub
A safer option than the Russian version, Taco Bell Roulette is not without it's own risks.

Best of Submariner
Where will you be when your "Domestic Partner's" laxitive kicks in, and will you care?