Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Stall Baby


"Come back and let me murder you so I can enjoy my prom!"

Sperms of Walmert

One shots, 'cos I'm so goshdarn busy 

Unsurprisingly, the old c--t at the door let them right in.

Not so Fresh

(One shots happen when full-time work collides with part-time captioning) 

The exact OPPOSITE sensation from biting into a York Peppermint Patty. 

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Bill Lumbergh... Twink!

Before he got his job at Initech, Bill Lumbergh got his start as a boy-toy for "the Bobs."

Can a Lesbian Change Her Spots?

"Hello, Cox Cable? The reception on the Lesbian Make-Out Channel is a little spotty." 

Best of Submariner
    Thawt bubble; "Mackerel?!? She's been cheating on me with Leeta!"

Threadwinner: GregMan
    There! Are! Two! Lesbians!

Best of dadoctah
    Cheap Trills from Caption This!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Open mike on CaptionThis' chat forum: "Yeah, I've used that Jadzia/Lenara pic as a monitor background since 2003 when the wife first forbid me to display the Aniston & Ryder moneyshot until she dropped the pregnancy weight. Sigh, still waiting."

Best of Spin
    When 'connect-a-dot' people go wild.

Best of Shayne
    Thawt bubble; "Gosh, I hope that's not contagious."


Angry Bieber

1. The Ghost of Christmas Past eventually had to give up because Bieber just didn't give a sh-t/
2. "Sorry, Justin, but you died from that bitch-slap. I am here to help transition you to the Afterlife."
3. Bieb seethed at his agent, "I don't care who this 'Barney Fag' is, I won't waive my fee for his wedding, and I definitely won't perform naked and greased for anyone but European royalty."
4. "No, JB, the purple shoes don't make you look ghey. Everything you have ever done in your entire life makes you look ghey."
5. "Sorry, Marilyn Manson, I don't have any spare change."

Best of Double the U But Mom, these shoes don't make me look stupid enough.... I wanted Crocks.  

Best of Spineless Vertebrae "Amy Winehouse! She lives!"  

Best of Jack Reacher "Some nimrod is suing me, I got a stone in my shoe, and now you want me to buy term papers? What? Oh, you just want to go to Old Navy. What the hell, Dawn?"  

Best of Dr. Doom "Dang it Cher", cried an exasperated Justin, "I don't care if you have to inject your face with virgin's blood twice a year. Leave me alone!"

Best of dadoctah The one memorable encounter in Nadia Suleman's new reality show.

Best of Submariner For the last time; No, Mr. Tyler - I don't want to do a National Anthem duet with you!  

Best of prince of leaves An instant before the "bath salts" took effect.  

Best of Carpe Phlogiston THERE you are! Where have you been?? I dunno! I think somebody slipped a rufie into my drink at the press conference. Next thing I remember, I'm standing here wearing 1 shoe and feeling very used.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Disrespectful Memorial Day Post

Seriously, what else do you expect from a sick intercourse and second-rate pornographer?

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Metaphor Alert

Best of Acebook:

  • The meeting of the Democratic National Committee will now come to order..."
  • Don't you wish we were in Desk Drawers in the Oval Office?
  • Scoot over! You're crowding me!!!
  • Hillary had such a bad hair day she had to go and hide...
  • "Amateur," sniffed Andrew Sullivan. 
  •  ‎"Enough is Enough! I have had it with these muthuf--king snakes in this muthaf--king culvert!"
Best of dadoctah
    "They're not going for the applesss like they did in the old daysss. I sssay we get into the health insurance bizzz."

Best of Dr. Doom
    Pop Culture Quiz (choose the best answer)
    This picture is a metaphor for:
    a) Rosie O'Donnel's brain
    b) President Obama's foreign policy
    c) Sandra Fluke's vagina
    d) The DNC POlicy Steering Committee

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Irving, if you say, "There's a light at the end of the tunnel" ONE.MORE.TIME I'm gonna bite you!

Best of Double the U
    The sequel "Snakes In A Sewer" was even less exciting than the original movie.

Best of Adriane
    Guyzzzzz, I know we're libertarianzzzzz, but don't you think some occupancy restrictionzzzzz are in order here?

Best of Jack Reacher
    Wow, law schools really are crowded these days.

Best of Spin
    Caution: This is not how one *snakes* a drain

Best of Submariner
    MSNBC holds a pre-production meeting...

Best of Dr. Doom
    I see the candidates for House Minority Whip are assembled in the Rotunda...

Best of Submariner
    OK, How the heck did you obtain a picture of our weekly staff meeting and why wasn't I given a public release of liability waiver to sign?

Friday, May 25, 2012

There! Are! Four! Lights!

1. "So, you wanna marry my daughter Kim?"
2. "I ask you again Mr. Picard, how many jobs did Obama create or save?"
3. Inside the liberal mind: Being hung by your arms with your balls in a vise and a Cardassian pain device (or car battery) strapped to your nipples overnight is exactly the same as having water poured on your nose for two minutes.
4. "Get that grin off your face, Picard... Great Maker! I haven't seen a Star Fleet officer enjoy an anal probe so much since I interrogated Mr. Sulu."
5. Seth Macfarlane could be a real hardass when it came time to renegotiate contracts for voice work.

Best of Steve O
    Picard. Just tell me that it is Constitutional and you may go!

Best of Double the U
    Yes, I built it myself... in memory of Robin Gibb... I hope you like it!

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Katie Couric's sit-down interview series ran into a small snag when it came time to interview M'chell's long-lost family members.

Best of JohnS1959
    Results improved significantly when the Pentagon started using Nancy Pelosi for interrogations at Gitmo...

Best of Submariner
    Harry Reid prepares another DNC Operative for the "fly-over" states...

Old Dirty Bastard

1. Clinton, unfortunately, did not recognize the Italian words for 'Tranny Surprise.'
2. "Why, that would be the second prettiest blue dress I've ever come across."
3. "I always loved Hillary's leftovers; good thing she never learned how to cook."
4. The power of three; three whores, three lamps, three-horned billy goat.
5. Not really a caption, but isn't Bill Clinton kind of the William Shatner of American politics?

Best of Best of
    And the token trany on the left joined in....

Best of GregMan
    "So how would you ladies like to come up to my room and see my oval orifice?"

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
    After seeing what he's had so far, I can understand why he'd settle for them.

Best of Robert Mahoney
    He sure has expensive humidors...

Best of blue
    "Porn Stars and Viagra!!! I'm never going back to Hilary....."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Clinton doing his Santa impersonation: "Ho, Ho, Ho!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
    I don't see any of Chinese ancestry, so we know that any state secrets are still safe.

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Back off guys - these are mine!", shouted Mr. Clinton to his Secret Service detail...

Best of Whacko
    "And that, fellas, is how to negotiate with Columbian hookers."

Best of Submariner
    Sorry to have to break this to you, Bubba; but, how do I put this? You've got the smallest Adam's Apple in the room...

Best of blue
    seven boobs

Best of Spin
    It's gonna take a lotta Hillary to wipe that smile off

BTW, IMHO, Brett Kimberlin is a horrible individual. 

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Yes! Yes! Yes!

The Brigade

Yes! You may tell me about Ron Paul or The Watchtower or Energy Star windows or whatever the heck else you want!!

Hot and Wet

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Zombeh On The Beach

Schneider (Sorry guys. I got craziness at work, so you gotta take this one)

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Super Duper

So, This Your First Time in Lock-Up?

1. The only thing worse than the Blue Screen of Death is the Blue Wall of Ass-Rape.

2. The Fire Island Glory Hole Attendant removes another 'Stuckee.'

3. "Let's shock those Westboro Baptists with a graphic display of our love. And I do mean Graphic! So, drop 'em!"

4. "Now, squeal! Squeal!" Hazing was rough at Ned Beatty High.

5. "Always in a hurry. You never wanna cuddle. What about my needs?"

Best of Rodney Dill
I see Penn State is still looking for replacements for Paterno.

Best of  loveseat sleeper
Astonishing work! This is the type of information that should be shared all across the internet.

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
Dancing with the Stars... in juvie.

Best of blue
we'll finish this in 3 minutes in the bat cave

Best of  Dr. Doom
Dodgeball in San Francisco - you really don't want to be out...

But He Loves Wheat Thins!

SRSLY, I missed the part in the New Testament where Jesus tells his disciples to carry signs around and hate people.

1. "So, by implication, you guys are presuming that God Loves Douchebags?"
2. "OK, mom I held up your sign so you can get on the Today Show. Can I get some ice cream now?"
3. Once again, Timmy the Tiniest Twink taunts a H8r into shame with his cutting fashion critiques.
4. Billy stared at the grass and asked himself, "Is this really what I want to do with my life?" The next day, he signed up for soccer camp and was kicked out of the WBC.
5. "You Westboro Baptists make me puke! ... Oh, wait, you're a Muslim? Oh, never mind, then. Hate all the fags you want."

Best of Rodney Dill
"This the guy that came in the PEDO suv?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The irony of the situation wasn't lost on the commander of a passing alien spacecraft whose scanner just identified a group of humans ripe for probing.

Best of dadoctah
You know what God *really* hates? Parents who send their kids to stand in the street holding signs they can't even read just so they don't miss two-for-one happy hour.

Best of Steve O
The anti-tobacco lobby is SO misunderstood.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Mondays with SCOAMF; featuring M'Chel and Prancer


1. M'Chel: "Good Lord, you guys. Keep it in your pants 'til you get to Man's Country."
2. "Just tell Liz Warren it's no big deal; all Democrats are expected to lie about their origins. (Wink.)"
3. I don't wanna say the FLOTUS's ass is big, but somebody's projecting an 88MM print of Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas on her backside.
4. "And the safety word, as usual, will be 'Viva Che!'"
5. "And what dreary little village are we in today?" M'Chel moaned, already thinking about he post-election getaway to the Italian Riviera.

Best of blue
Mr President, why do you always bring HER on our dates?

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
Think of all the poor ants who paid to see an IMAX movie and got this instead.

Best of  Dr. Doom
No longer content to merely bow before foreign dignitaries, the President has begun kissing them on the lips...

Best of  Dactyl
NO! No more Asian men! Barry, you're going to ruin your appetite.

Best of  prince of leaves
"No tongue!!!" screeched Michelle.

Best of  Kaptain Krude
Isn't it embarrassing when you're the shortest of the 3 men?

Best of  GregMan
"Thank you SO much, Barry, this will go great with a nice Chianti and some fava beans!"

Let's Cuddle

1. "Dayum," thought Oprah. "My best couch... slaughtered and skinned."
2. M'Chel comforted Oprah. "That's OK, no one's ever beaten me in a 'nastiest queef' showdown."
3. The Giant 'Munge We Can Believe In' Banner' was an inspiration to all leftist women... well, mostly the ones in comfortable shoes.
4. Have you ever heard a steel folding chair groan audibly?
5. The Kilngon and the Billionaire, coming this Fall on the CW!

Best of metalgarth

*and then Al Bundy's head exploded

Best of metalgarth
Hopefully, Chewbacca didn't use the Falcon's nav computer to download this "wookie porn".

Best of dadoctah
"Now if Tony Orlando ever gets here, we can start the reunion concert."

Best of JohnS1959
"Oh Oprah - I was hoping you were going to take the audience to Australia again. I could use a vacation!", opined the First Lady

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Seen in the Parking Lot at the ACLU

Divine Miss M

I am only surprised this plate was issued in California and not Massachusetts. More Bad License Plates @jalopnik

Friday, May 18, 2012

Another Frakking Idiot for the Frakking Idiot

The Morons at Acebook finish the sign... 

... from cheaper gas and lower unemployment
... from working, thinking, and being responsible.
... from President Biden

Best of Jack Reacher
...from a serious foreign policy and workable energy policy.

Best of joshua
...from listening to democrats and their media minions complain about Guantanamo, rendition, and secret assassination squads.

Best of prince of leaves
I guess this means Team Obama has now written him into the backstories of the Marvel Universe.

Best of Rodney Dill
Must've already saved the cheerleader

Best of Spin
... not to mention money on my car insurance too!

Best of Kaptain Krude
...and redeems it for valuable coupons!

Best of Dactyl
And by the way, has anyone seen my sunglasses? I can't find them anywhere.

Best of GregMan
...from THE JOOOS!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I'm in becau-...that's funny, I can't seem to find my Old Navy bag around here anywhere."

blah blah blah Dawn's head blah blah blah kerplodes blah blah blah...

Another Idiot for the Idiot

Best of the Morons at the Acebook:
1. "Look, a squirrel!"

Best of Someone's Gonna Say It Anyway
3. "Aieee! Gonjira! And she's wearing a dress made of upholstery!"

And so on...
4. "Look! A fat white dude who 'Wants Woman!' Over here, white guy! I'm Ready to Go!!"
5. Honey, according to the arrow on your sign, 'Forward' ain't the direction you're pointing.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Wening The Fuchur


Specifically, he belives he'll have another double bacon cheeseburger.

Best of Cat Whisperer
Bill O’Reilly’s brother-from-another-mother is “Going to do it Be Live!”

Best of metalgarth
I Be Live
You Be Live
We Be Live
20% of Obama Voters Be Dead

Best of  Rodney Dill
(other side)
Not Memorex

Best of  Dr. Doom
"Now I be live. Later I be dead", said Marcus, "But in between I want lots of free stuff..."

Buffett with a Big Paddle


1. Hey! No fair playing with Rosie O'Donnell's marital.
2. At least, he never has to worry about being up Big Sh-t Creek.
3. I always wondered how that Star Trek game of Pareesi's Squares was actually played.

Crazy Purple Knockout Gas

1. "Don't bother denying it, Grimmis. We know you've been making a run to the border, y'damn traitor."

2. Ang Lee's LOST Movie made the smoke monster infinitely more fabulous!

3. The Minnesota illegal fireworks SWAT Team prepares to Taser another pair of 11 year old boys.

4. Once again, the villain known as 'The Grape Midget' makes a daring escape from the clutches of law enforcement.

5. Grape burritos... new at Taco Bell!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The Road Runner comes out of the closet.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
That's some good Purple Haze.

Best of  metalgarth
Michael Bay directs the video for Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Damn, I sure wish Christo hadn't gotten that Pentagon contract."

Best of Cat Whisperer
The First Gay President orders the troops to lay down a FABULOUS smoke screen.

Best of GregMan
Elizabeth Warren's attempt at a traditional Cherokee smoke-signal goes horribly wrong.

Best of Dr. Doom
After the repeal of DADT, Mr. Panetta approved the use of designer smoke screen colors to make the troops feel more at home...

Best of Jack Reacher
The Marines don't wait for a falling house to solve their wicked witch infestations.

Best of arf
Barney the Dinosaur's favorite joke.
"Pull my finger".

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


1. Rosie O'Donnell is looking a little desperate these days.
2. After her catty remarks about Ann Romney, Hillary Rosen became the hottest ticket on the lesbian dating circuit.
3. Current TV announced its replacement for Keith Olbermann this week.
4. Another OWS occupier with a ridiculous and unrealistic demand.
5. How nature says, "Your genetic line has come to an end."

Bes t of GregMan
Front of shirt: "Want Woman!"
Back of shirt: "Don't Ever Expect To Get One!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"No no no", said Chaz Bono to his blind date, "I said I would wear the 'Want Woman!' tank top..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
101 Ways to Troll for Pity Sex... #93

Best of metalgarth
Rejected Time Magazine cover #4163

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Tim McGraw has really let himself go.

Best of Spin
Cover of Moobs-n-Muffin Tops magazine

Ronaldo You Scamp


1. You know, Obama didn't specify the details of the ceremony he thought should be involved.
2. "No! You smell MY giant potpourri sachet, bitch!"
3. "And here we see some of Romney's friends at Bain Capital enjoying the daily corporate 'Money Fight.'"
4. yadda yadda yadda Andrew Sullivan image search... yadda yadda yadda giant stiff pole between his legs...
5. "Give M'Chel back Dickey Simpkins cock ring right now this instant, you queer bitch!"

Best of Rodney Dill  
The event was sponsored by Planters, so essentially they were pummeling each other with their nut sacks. 

Best of dadoctah 
Origins of Valley Girl speak: #31, "Bag your face!"

Best of Double the U 
The "Fish Slap Dance" You're SO doing it wrong!

Best of Dr. Doom 
Practice drills at MLS Soccer Camp included 'bag slapping', 'riding the horsey' and 'faking injury while whining like a little bitch'...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston 
"There can be only one!" The censors removed a crucial element from Bollywood's remake of Highlander.

Best of prince of leaves 
2019: the latest fad in same-sex marriage counseling encourages husbands to work out their anger with each other using soft pillows instead of handbags.

Best of metalgarth The first ever non lethal Hunger Games was an epic fail.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae It's supposed to be face*PALM*

Monday, May 14, 2012

Meanwhile, Back at the Stonecutters Lodge

1. "Watch yourself, Robertson. Don't make me tackle you, cut your hair, and strap you to the roof for the ride home."

2. Romney and Robertson's recitation of the 'What the Hell Is That' Sketch lacked the timing and spontaneity of Steve Martin and Bill Murray's original.

3. "You naked under these robes, Robertson?" "You know it, Mitt."

4. "Check out the chink in the pink penis outfit. He looks like he needs a haircut, if you know what I mean."

5.  "Who keeps the Metric System Down... We do! We do!" 

Best of  Double The U
"For god's sake Romney stop feeling yourself up and saying 'mmmmmm' this is our flag!"

Best of Whacko
"I (state your name) do solemnly swear never to subscribe to or purchase loose copies of Newsweek again."

Best of Jack Reacher
"This one's mine; get your own disco medallion, Mitt."

Best of  dadoctah
"Cardinal Fang! Fetch *The Comfy Chair*!!!"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"Did ya hear, Obama is OK with gay marriage..."
"Ah, now I understand the term, flaming liberal!!!"

Best of Spin
Mormon gang signs. Trouble from the Bee Hive state.

Garage Bland

1. "And so you'll understand why I am claiming this suburban house in the name of the people. Now, get your white asses outta here!"

2. "Abner, I'm flattered that the POTUS wanted to use our house for a campaign speech; but does he have to keep calling it a 'crackerbox.'"

3. The two retired union activists couldn't wait for the reporters to leave so they could take down that ghastly American flag and replace it with the hammer and sickle that usually flew there.

4. Another hint that Obama's ego was out of control; he told the old geezers that if they smeared the blood of a virgin over their door, he would tell the Death Panels to spare them.

5. "Abner, have you seen Rex around anywhere?"

Best of Dr. Doom
"I don't know", said Maude, "He mumbled something about bitter clingers and redistribution and then asked where he could plug in his teleprompter..."

Best of Dr. Doom
"And as you can plainly see, these people are still driving a gas guzzling SUV", related Mr. Obama, "Have Napolitano send them off to the re-education camps. Maybe a few years of building wind turbines will convince them of the wisdom of my economic policies..."

Best of jimmy
The handlers were smart to put up the black curtain, because the speech-ifying loses a lot of its luster when you can see Waylon Flowers operating the sticks and strings that makes Madame move and talk.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Obamalama blamed an inability to tie shoelaces for the failure of his folksy "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" slogan... not the white crowds chanting, "There goes the neighborhood. There goes the neighborhood."

Best of GregMan
"Shhh, Abner, don't startle him! Eventually he'll get bored and go away."

Threadwinner:  Mr Hankey
Todd & Julie started putting out the scary Halloween decorations early this year.

Best of prince of leaves
"Umm, yooo-hooo! Your audience is over here to your left, Mr. President! Yes, both of us."

Best of Steve O
And then we're gonna go to the LIVING room!
And then we're gonna go to the LAUNDRY room!
And then we're gonna go to the KITCHEN!
And then we're gonna go to the BATHROOM and AIEEERRRGGGHHGHAA!!!!!

Friday, May 11, 2012

In the Not Too Distant Future...

1. With the help of a generous stimulus grant, The Black Panthers got a lot more effective at voter suppression over the last four years.

 2. By 2016, the TSA's mission creep had really gotten out of hand; those who questioned their tactics were still dismissed as paranoid, anti-Government cranks.

3. "All right, take this Gay Marriage opponent to the Re-Education Camp with all the other h8rs."

4. "All I said was Obama hadn't lived up to the 2008 Hype." "Take this Racist! to the train station."

5. "Maybe this will teach you not to record Monday Night Football without the expressed, written consent of the NFL and ABC Sports."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Romney says we gotta cut your hair too pretty boy."

Best of metalgarth
(Alternate Future #42378 where V the K is supreme ruler) "Look, punk, your O.R. is little too O. next time stick to something from Futurama, Men in Black, Kentucky Fried Movie, or Blazing Saddles"

Best of Double the U
"STOP RESISTING! STOP RESISTING! or we will pepper-spray and taser your ass for a seventh time!"

Best of prince of leaves
Oddly enough it wasn't the info on chemtrails and FEMA death camps that got Alex Jones taken down, it was his expose of Michelle Obama's true BMI.

Best of Spin
"Don't rape me bro"

Best of JohnS1959
"OK, OK, I bought my kid one Happy Meal", cried Mr. Jones, "It won't happen again, I promise..."

Best of Dr. Doom
"But I'm not gay and I'm already a woman", said Bobby to the Equity in Marriage Czar's SWAT Team.

Best of Dr. Doom
The Obama Administration Goon Squad finally catches up with VtheK. Best Ofs will be somewhat delayed...

Best of blue
When Obama says he's OK with gay marriage that means you are too....

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Alright, VtheK, are you going to catch up on the "Best of's" or are we going to have to taze you again?

Best of Jack Reacher
Standard Cap. # 398
"Avenge me!"

Fred "F-ckin'" Rogers---That's My Name, Mo-Fo

Divine Miss M

1. Mr Rogers didn't like Rosie O'Donnell either.

2. Mr Rogers is also not happy with Obama's gay marriage announcement.

3. ORA: "F-ck it! There's no words there! This f-cking thing sucks! We'll do it live!"

4. "Yeah, well F-ck you, too, Mr. McFeely. Y'fat sack  of crap!"

5. I can't see myself ever making one of those retarded "It gets better" videos, but I can see myself making this precise gesture in one of those retarded "It gets better" videos.

Best of Jack Reacher 
Just after the excise tax on sneakers and sweaters was announced.

Best of metalgarth 
No, I don't want to be your neighbor so quit f--king asking!

Best of Dactyl 
"...So I said, here's what I think of you and your show, Captain Kangaroo! And that's when he came at me with the ping pong balls."

Best of jimmy 
This will make a nice companion piece alongside my topless photos of Miss Kathy from Romper Room.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae 
Mr. Rogers didn't take it kindly when Blue's Clues tried to take his fan base.

Best of Dr. Doom 
Fred Rogers reacts to Eddie Murphy's portrayal of him on SNL.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston Mr. Rogers Chats with Art Linkletter I swear, Art, the G-Spot really does exist, but you have to poke around a bit to find it.

Best of Rodney Dill 
Hello boys and girls, welcome to my neighborhood. Today we're gonna give Mr. Cat a proctology exam. Can you say "WROwWROwWROwWROwWROw!" Good, I knew you could.


Thursday, May 10, 2012

She's Squirts, Too

More scantily clad women (or "Second Rate Pornography" as my detractors call it) at The Brigade

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

The Fakest Indian Since Commander Chakotay

Bad Eagle

1. "Wow, great cheekbones! Are you 1/32 Imaginary Indian too?"
2. "Of course it's okay for me to park my car there. I am 1/64th handicapped on my great, great, great, great, great grandmother's side."
3. "Despite being wealthy, I strongly identify with the 99% of Americans who lie about being minorities in order to get tenured professorships."
 4. "Not only am I part Indian, I served in Vietnam with Abe Blumenthal and was present at President Obama's birth... in Hawaii!"
 5. "Me love you long time, too, honey."

Best of GregMan
"Watch it, kid, or I'll do to you what my great-great-great-grandfather did to the Cherokees. Oh by the way, did I mention that I'm part Indian?"

Best of GregMan
"Did I mention that I also have heat vision and the power of flight?"

Best of jimmy
Professor Slinging Bull hits the streets of Shanghai to find out how much it would cost to have one of those smallpox-laden blankets shipped from China to Scott Brown's office.

Best of Jack Reacher
"My people? Um, unless you all have tenure and live in million dollar houses, nope. Not really."

Best of Spin
"I'm a 'teepee' Indian not a 'dot' Indian. Now hand over that broccoli and beef"

Best of metalgarth
I can take all of you on at once. I'm 1/256th black belt.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
No dear, I didn't claim to invent the Internet. I simply gave Al Gore the idea by telling him how easy it was for my ancestors to disrupt telegraph communications out west.

Best of Dr. Doom
"So do you need to know a secret handshake to get into the peyote stash?", asked Ms. Warren

Best of Jack Reacher
Lizzie was thrilled that the tribe gave her an honorary name, "Walking Eagle." The other translation is "Too full of sh*t to fly."

Plugging Away with Sheriff Joe

1. Standard Caption #173: "And then Hillary turned away from the urinal and I saw it..."

2. "Now, let me introduce heap big squaw, Elizabeth Warren..."

3. "Let me tell ya, folks, M'Chel's ass is one big effin' deal."

4. ORA:  Biden was all set to dig into his fruit cup, but since he was thirty seconds late, Hillary had it taken away.

5. ORA: "Hey, hey, Uncle Fudd... it's a treat to beat your feet/On the Mississippi mud."

Best of jimmy
Cranky Tanning Mom in New Jersey insists Biden "sat outside" while she went into tanning booth, but the results say otherwise.

Best of Cat Whisperer
“They say real heros don’t spike the football, but I say, ‘Spike it, Mr. President, and kick two points right here over the hair plugs.’”

Best of Jack Reacher
"When the Republicans ask what we're going to do about Holder, I say 'Holder? I barely knew 'er.' That gets howls, I tell ya."

Best of  Dactyl
Five...five trillion...five trillion footlong...

Best of chronos the wonder pig
and now that me & Barry are both for gay marriage I have an announcement to make......

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
It never ceases to amaze me to think I'm only this far away from being PRESIDENT. Ain't that a hoot?

Best of Dr. Doom
"How big is the Obama deficit?", asked Mr. Biden, "Well if you typed it out in eight point Helvetica, it would be about this big..."

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

It's Always Sunny in Saudi Arabia


1. "Bend over, Abdul, tonight, I'll be the Muslim Brotherhood, and you be Obama."

2. "On your knees, Abdul. Tonight,  you be Obama, and I'll be Frank Marshall Davis."

3. "Hussein, you need only spritz Drakkar Noir, not bathe in it."

4. "Joe Biden says he's totally comfortable with this... and SO AM I!"

5. "Do I smell dog meat on your breath? You know that's haram."

Best of Muhammad Neidermeyer
"A pledge pin! On your thwab? Just tell me, mister, what fraternity would pledge a man like you?”

Best of marco
"I wish I knew how to quit you, Adbul."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Tonight, my friend, we party like it's 999."

THreadwinner: Jack Reacher
...and then the Dearborn City Council meeting was called to order.

Best of prince of leaves
According to Keffiyeh Code, the one on the left tops camels, while the one on the right bottoms for underage boys.

Best of Spin
"That table cloth really brings out your eyes"

Best of Dactyl
Are you sure that Eskimo kisses won't get us stoned to death?

Best of blue
in Amerika Obama says we can get married!!!

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "If Uncle Ahmed was't so stinking rich, I wouldn't let him greet me this way. Or would I?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Checkerboard Towelhead thawtbubble: I hate close-talkers.

Take a Whack at This

I let Psonic Phrog have this for a week, now, let's give the monors a crack... um... at this. 

Best of Double the U
The kid with the American Flag t-shirt was sent home and not allowed to return to school for a week. This guy was given free tuition to college.

Best of metalgarth
Inflatable Rubber Cowboys are so 2008.

Best of sonicfrog
After a particularly vigorous work-out this morning, Wang was feeling pretty stiff.

Best of dadoctah
Wait till Stan Lee sees him.

Best of  Shayne
Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the winner of the Joe Biden look-alike contest!

Best of Dr. Doom
Performance artist Peter Johnson portrays Obama Administration economic policy through the medium of interpretive dance...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Do these balls make my head look fat?

Best of prince of leaves
Chinese feminists devise a public shaming to punish repeat misogynist.

Best of  Rodney Dill

Best of Rodney Dill
A man has to be fairly confident in his masculinity to pull off wearing pink.

Best of Steve O
I'll wait until Thursday. THEN I'll beat him.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Why you call me Rented Mule?"

Monday, May 07, 2012

Look! It's Julia!

1. The Washington Press Corps "Nina Burliegh Club" Welcomes the SCOAMF.

2. "Dammit, Matthews, your drag costume isn't fooling anybody."

3. When The SCOAMF finally did locate the place where the white women were at, he was sorely, sorely disappointed,.

4. One of the perqs of destroying America is it turns a lot of women... not a lot of HOT women, but a lot of women.

5. Whose the half-black commie prick/That's a sex machine to all the chicks/SCOAMF/ Damn right!

Best of whyMe
FREE BIRTH CONTROL! Thank you, I can now become a prostitute because I don't have a job!

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck

Best of blue
Kobe, I'm open!!

Best of Submariner
Unfortunately for the menopausal zombie horde, there would be no substenance tonight...

Best of jimmy
The One makes an unexpected visit to the staff lounge at _Time_ Magazine.

Best of GregMan
"Baaammy, how I love you how I love you, my dear old Bammy!"

It gets harder and harder to find decent Al Jolson impersonators all the time.

Best of andthenblammo!
The 'SQUEEEEEEEE!' heard 'round the world.

Best of Cat Whisperer
After waiting for hours, a loyal Obama supporter receives the One’s Touch. Her scrofula however was not cured or covered by ObamaCare.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Oh Mr. President did you hear?", gushed the New York Times Reporter, "Now France is socialist too!"

Best of Spin
old broad thawtbubble:Oh Barry, Help me I'm melting!

'Scuse Me While I Whip This Out

1. "Ladies and gentleman, um, Mr. Conway Twitty."

 2. "Ladies and gentlemen, um, I'd like to bring out, um, a very special guest, um, my composite girlfriend!"

3. "Whoa! Sorry, let me fan that one away. Too much eggplant and arugula will give you the most foul-smelling air biscuits you ever smelt!"

 4."But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards socialism!”

5. The best part about four years of utter and complete failure: No need to come up with new campaign promises.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Here boy, here boy! Now where is that stupid dog? ... Oh, right. Awk-ward!"

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
In an alternate universe, Assistant Vice-Principal Barry Obama tries to joke with the kids who keep plastering him with spitballs during assembly.

Best of Cat Whisperer
Michelle come on up here ... oh, sh*t, I left her back on Air Force One again!

Best of dadoctah
"But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards socialism!”

...and...jazz hands!

Best of GregMan
"See, you hold a dog biscuit in your right hand, and the club in your left hand. Then when the dog gets close enough you let him have it, and bingo! Dinner!"

Best of  Jack Reacher
"Hey, Pete, why are my lines on the Teleprompter marked SCOAMF? What does that mean?"

Best of  JohnS1959
"And so you see, by driving all the manufacturing jobs to Mexico, we have solved the illegal immigration problem", explained the President.

Best of Dactyl
Ha, ha ha, oh you guys are such a bunch of jokers! OK now seriously, who put the dead hooker under the podium?

Friday, May 04, 2012

It's a free for all Friday

Sorry for the open threads, I'm just feeling about as funny as Nancy Pelosi today

Glamour Shots From Hell Part II

Best of metalgarth
"The Golden Girls meet Judas Priest" was the exact moment that the series jumped the shark.

Best of chronos the wonder pig

Best of  Shayne
What happens in Sun City West stays in Sun City West!

Best of Double the U
The Death Panel ruled without mercy.

Best of arf
Why yes, I do work for the State Department. How did you know?

Best of dadoctah
Well, at least it got Junior off of his My Little Pony fetish....

Best of Steve O
Something ELSE you don't want to see when you wake up in the morning.

Best of JohnS1959
"Vee haff vays of making you talk", said the LAX TSA interrogator...

Glamour Shots from Hell, Part I

a.k.a. The Chive

Best of Cat Whisperer
The first photograph of Obama’s “composite girlfriend” surface

Best of Rodney Dill
...and bachelor #2 actually prefers hockey moms over pit bulls.

Best of GregMan
"Maybe if Barry sees this picture he'll take me back as his man-lover and dump that Klingon bitch M'chel."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Casting journalistic integrity out the window while trying to corner the BBW demographic, NBC-Miami releases what they claim is an age-progression photo of Tray the von.

Best of Shayne
If Obama had a son - and he went on to front DeBarge - this is what he'd look like.

Best of metalgarth
"How Milli met Vanilli"

Best of Dactyl
The real reason RGIII wasn't the #1 pick in the NFL draft.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

By the twitching of my thumbs, something squatchy this way comes


1. "Just sayin'... we could just grow weed, you know."

2. "Two pasty white sacrifices for your altar, Lord Tyronius."

3. "Is that a water bottle in your pocket or... oh, damn, it's just a water bottle in your pocket."

4. "Gaia demands virgin blood to make the crops grow."

5. "I said, what does Marcellus Wallace look like. English, muthafukka, do you speak it!"

Best of Jack Reacher
ORA: "Has anyone seen Piggy?"

Best of GregMan
"Where are da white... oh here comes one now."

Best of Dactyl
Damn, you're right. You *can* still smell the camp from over here.

Best of prince of leaves
Tonight's Portlandia episode: "Hipsters of the Corn".



1. The Romney campaign moved quickly to hire a new national security spokesman.

2. That money-making scheme really only works with smooth young black boys.

3. Tony the Tiger jumped right off the poster and bitch-slapped him, as anyone would.

4. Your food stamp and disability tax dollars at work.

5. And then Bruce enacted the brilliant second stage of his foolproof plan to shop lift bananas.

Best of GregMan
"Why yes, I do vote Democrat. How did you know?"

Best of Jack Reacher
Wal Mart Greeter: UR DOIN IT RONG!

Best of  metalgarth
Chaz Bono. The later years.

Best of  Dactyl
Looks like Andrew Klavan's got the day off.

Best of  dadoctah
"Clean up on aisles twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen and sixteen!"

Best of  Dr. Doom
"Of course I belong here", said Bruce indignantly, "Those flakes are not going to frost themselves you know..."