Monday, April 30, 2012

Remember When We Thought This Was as Bad as it Could Get

W43's thoughtbubble: "Took my eye off the ball, my a$$. I always knew Afghanistan was sh1th0l3 and a waste of time."

1. "Hey, feel like a beer? Well, let's hop on over to the... oh... sorry."
2. "Those nuts who think I planned 9-11 really don't have a leg to stand... oh.... sorry."
3. "Good race, you really kicked my ... oh.... sorry."
4. "You think you got it tough out there? Try walking a mile in her shoe."
5. "Hey, check this out. I got an advance copy of the new album from Paul McCart... oh... sorry."


Best of GregMan
"Hey, let's do the Hokey-Pokey! You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out... oh, sorry."

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
"You don't work at IHOP by any chance, huh?"

Best of Spin
NYT headline:President Bush caught cheating during 3 legged race

Best of prince of leaves
"Missin' Appendage"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Must've been one nasty arrow."

Best of Jack Reacher
"You dance pretty well, considering." Note: This quote works for either one of them.

Best of Submariner
W's nickname for her: Skippy

Shufflin' Shufflin'


1. Shared thoughtbubble:  Poor Honky bastards have no idea the Black Panthers are going to exterminate them come January.

2. We've replaced the FLOTUS with a drag queen from Skokie named Chocolate Fantayzee... let's see if anyone notices.

3. M'Chel couldn't suppress a smile knowing that the SCOAMF had no idea one of her bracelets was Dickey Simpkin's cockring.

4. On the far side of the room, Kobe Bryant was bazooka-barfing.

5. FLOTUS: "So, after this, I get to take another vacation, right?"


Best of GregMan
"We gotta leave now, M'chel, I think there was something a little 'off' with the dog we just had for dinner."

Best of JohnS1959
Dateline Washington:
Citing the need to ensure taxpayer money is wasted more efficiently and less publicly, the Obama Administration today announced that Michelle Obama has been selected to replace Martha Johnson as the Head of the GSA. Mrs. Obama marked the occasion by throwing a lavish party for 500 Washington insiders and campaign donors in Tibet...

Best of chronos the wonder pig
wiggling her but suggestively, M'Chel whispers "Come on Barry, stick it in me the way you used to do Reggie........."

Best of Submariner
Judges would later rue the unanimous decision that Barry did the "Queen of England Wave" better than M'Chel.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
All those in favor of the frivolous lawsuit against Arizona, please stand and raise a hand.
Oookay, anybody else?

Friday, April 27, 2012

If Only They Had Thought Of That


Best of Kaptain Krude Maybe we can Google on how to improve our aim. You know, it's really hard to see out of these helmets. Whoever designed them was a real idiot. Best of Rodney Dill I never wanted to be a Stormtrooper... I wanted to be... A Lumberjack!

The Meme That Wouldn't Die

Heh,


Arrrgh! Levitating Bear!

Surely this is the work of Satan! 




Best of Adriane
Dang it All!!! Lion and Tiger set me up!!


Best of dadoctah
Great Moments In History, 1958: Officer Hanna and Officer Barbera get a brilliant idea.


Best of Rodney Dill
You knew the Sanford Police had stepped up their game when they put a bear in the air.

Best of Dr. Doom
A perfect metaphor for the economy under the Obama Administration -- a bear -- a tranquilized bear -- a tranquilized bear plummeting...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The rope is barely visible in this blurry photo, but the ranger says Yogi had been depressed for some time after Boo-boo ran off with his pic-a-nik basket.


Best of kg
Not the picture Barney Frank was hoping for when he googled 'bears' and 'men in uniform'.


Best of Spineless Vertebrae
"We get it, Andrew, you're an apex predator."


Best of Rodney Dill
A Kodiak Moment



Wednesday, April 25, 2012

A Muslim, a Communist, and a Homosexual Walk Into a Bar...

... Bartender says, "What'll you have, Mr. President?"


UPROXX


Best of Shayne 
Average American college student: "Look everybody, it's Kanye!"


Best of Spin 
"He tried to do my boyfriend!"


Best of prince of leaves 
"He ate my dog!!!"


Best of Submariner 
A typical first election supporter's typical reaction when first finding out how much debt the Obamessiah's Administration left her.


Best of GregMan 
"But Biden said you had a BIG stick!!!"


Best of Double the U 
Carnac: A whore, a bore, and a liquor store.


Best of Jack Reacher 
"I'd make 18% less in his administration than a man!"

Even More Gross

Yes, that glass contains exactly what it looks like


Blame Al

1. "What kind of urine goes with dog," wondered the SCOAMF.
 2. "After years of swallowing mainstream media Democrat talking points without question, drinking urine just came naturally."
 3. "Well, I've been orally servicing Bill Maher for years and it's the only thing that covers up the taste."
 4. Andrew Sullivan was appalled. "Gross! That urine came from ladyparts!"
 5. It may taste awful, but look how hawt it keeps her.




Best of Carpe Phlogiston
When Gomez Addams runs into financial trouble, Thing gets a job at the nearby sanitarium serving drinks to tranquilized patients.

Best of metalgarth
Reason #1 to be suspicious of "Quarter Beer Night"

Best of Kaptain Krude
It's okay; I got it from this homeless dork in a red jacket down at the park. He kept calling me 'Rachel' and commenting on my man-hands.

Best of Submariner
hmmmm, piquant bouquet... asparagras last night?

Best of Spin
Stirred not shaken I assume

Best of prince of leaves + 1
Man, Maria Shriver just isn't taking the divorce well at all.

Best of Submariner
A "hair of the dog" is a bit different after a night at the Folsom Street Fair.

Best of Double the U
"Charlie and The Chocolate Factory", the delete scene.

Best of Dr. Doom
Dateline Washington: The Obama Administration announced today that Timothy Geithner has been replaced by Bear Grylls as Secretary of the Treasury. Mr Grylls immediately announced that the situation is dire and consumers should take drastic measures to ensure their survival...

In a Word, Gross


1. Santa? Mrs Claus?

2. "You know, grandpa, if you're busy, we can come back later."

3. Sandra Fluke visits an old age home.

4. "And how is this supposed to help me find my contact lens?"

5. Jubilant Mitt Romney supporters celebrated his victory long into the night.


Best of USMC2841
Hurry Earl! My teeth are slipping.

Best of metalgarth
Faster! My laxative is about to kick in!

Best of dadoctah
Congress of the Capybara.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
My lord, Henry, ~unh~ where do you ~ooo~ come up with ~ung~ these ~gaa!~ kinky positions?
Ethel, this ain't nothing. I saw something on the Westminster Dog Show yesterday I want to try next. Didja bring your strap-on?

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I'm arriving! I'm arriving!"

Best of Robert
Number 12 - the lawnmower.

Threadwinner: prince of leaves
The Sunset Pavilions Retirement Community Players rehearse for their live production of "Human Centipede".

Best of GregMan
It's fine with me if they want to remake "Behind the Green Door" and "Deep Throat", but do they have to use the original cast members?

Best of Dr. Doom
First CPR, now the Heimlich Maneuver, why can't the Red Cross stop changing things?

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Stupid Pet Tricks

Brender

1. Sir Elton required a very specially trained seeing eye dog.

2. "Don't worry, I won't let Obama eat you. Now, ignite my fart and we'll rocket out of here."

3. "I notice you're carrying a lot of tension in your shoulders..."

4. That hat looks really gay on you, but the dog... well, that's a whole 'nother level."

5. "Not now, Charlie. I dropped a contact lens."



Best of Mr. Obvious
How do you like your sex?
Ruff.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Couldn't find a little black kid to wear on your back?

Best of  Submariner
Y'all are really mean. Camilla was just trying to help Sir Elton get his testicles to drop...

Best of dadoctah
"And now", thought Bernie as he looked on, "everybody knows exactly what 'The Bitch Is Back' was *really* about."

Soccer Season Is Back


1. "Though nothing can bring back the hour/Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;/ We will grieve not, rather find. Strength in your firm, fabulous behind..."

2. "Damb, if this gets any gheyer, a soccer match is gonna break out."

3. "He still won't notice my fabulous six-pack," Ricky lamented. "What will it take to make him notice me?"

4. "Next week, on Glee..."

5. How much wood would a woodchuck suck if a woodchuck would suck wood?



Best of metalgarth
Ang Lee's Hunger Games. Only slightly gayer than the original.

Best of blue
Big Dick is only Halfway Inn

Best of BananaRepublican
AoM does her own version of The Hunger Games.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Keefums Is Wonewy

A Lonely and Abandoned Queef Olberman Tries to Find Meaning in a Cold, Heartless World.


1. "And she's the Worst Person in the World... And *he's* the worst person in the world... and that squirrel is the worst person in the world." Olberdouche plays his own version of "I'm crushing your head."

 2. Unable to accept reality, Keith plans a special episode of 'Countdown' devoting to denouncing the barrista who charged him for an extra shot in his espresso.

3. Sorry Olbie, the pregnant man bit has been done already.


Best of blue 
Hey sailor, buy me a drink?


Best of GregMan 
"If only I had a bigger p3nis..."


Best of dadoctah 
Nancy Grace manages to find *one* missing child, and it's *this* one?

Best of prince of leaves 
Seconds later a Romulan disruptor suddenly vaporized Olberman, while leaving his nearby friends unharmed and not a little relieved to be rid of him.

Best of Cat Whisperer 
During the few hours that he wandered dejectedly around Central Park, Keith Olberman achieved a higher viewing audience than the total number of “Countdown” viewers throughout the ten year history of the show.

Threadwinner: Submariner 
...and then it hit him; Internet Essay Writing! That was a sure-fire way to replace his broadcast journalism income!

Best of Snowdog 
ORA: "Seems like no one takes me serirousry/And so I'm ronery/Yeah, a rittle ronery/Poor rittle me."

This Is Indeed a Disturbing Universe


1. If Obama had a son...

2. NAMBLA Lap Dancers.

3. Why? Because Frank Marshall Davis always fantasized about coming into money.

4. Keshandazay appreciated the Benjamins for his birthday, but still found the ritual humiliating.

5. Meanwhile, back at DNC campaign headquarters...


Best of Rodney Dill
When one ordinary butt-closure just isn't enough.
Best of Vinneh
Young Barry Obama, community organizer, raises money for ACORN the hard way.
Best of Double the U
If the first thing you noticed was the dart board, I have got some news for you... very good news.
Best of BananaRepublican
How many more pictures of Travon Martin does the media plan to release?
Best of prince of leaves
It only took one drink of the cocoon water to make Mr. Trayford the hit of ladies night at the nursing home.
11:57 PM
 dadoctah
Putting your money where your mouth is: ur doin it disturbing.
Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Now see, if he'd worn this outfit, Tray the Von wouldn't have been shot. Well, okay, he probably would have been, that's not the point.

Best of metalgarth
Well, at least he isn't demanding that the government give him free condoms.
Best of Dr. Doom
The GSA has lavish parties in Las Vegas. The Secret Service has Colombian Hookers. The TSA has Best of Submariner
"Available."
Some gang signs aren't too hard to interpret...
Best of Spin
Making tuition at Occidental College

What, Again?

Powerline

Best of Rodney Dill "Who ordered the one with extra pupperoni?
Best of Dactyl Huh. Turns out he's also the worst pizza delivery guy in history.
Best of Dactyl Anxious to find his missing uncle, Scrappy Doo hatched a plan to infiltrate the White House for a search. Turns out, it was not a good plan.
Best of Carpe Phlogiston Obamalama's SUV has a sticker on the door: Deliveryman does not carry any hope or change.
Best of Submariner OK, first family: who ordered the Chow?

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Happy Place

Just in case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.  The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1.  Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2.  Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3.  Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4.  No one knows your secret place.

5.  You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6.  The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7.  The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the Democrat you're holding underwater.











There!!  See?  It really does work.  You're smiling already.

Sunday NCJT

Blue


Saturday, April 21, 2012

Saturday NCJT


Mmm Delicious Foil


1. And in Obama's second term, white twinks were grateful for whatever sustenance they could get.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Give That Kid a Sammitch

Divine Miss M


1. A young Callista Flockhart arrives at Day Care.

2. When hipster parents grow tired of their fashion accessories.

3. Vern Troyer spontaneously combusted this week...

4. The President eats dogs, but the First Lady's tastes were somewhat more exotic.

5. "Let Joe Biden take care of the kid, you said. He'll be fine, you said."

6. After a hard night of partying in Cartegena, the SecState needed a massive life-force recharge.

He Took The Job For the Microphone

Al Gore Hires Gavin Newsome


1. One of the more popular gimmicks on Gavin Newsom's show was the use of the "Perspective of a 14 year old Illegal Immigrant Tranny-Cam."

2. "Yes, they're Mojitos, but if you'd like something even gayer, I can mix up some Appletinis."

3. The room seems to be sinking to the left... much like California's economy,

4. Wow, that's almost a full day's supply of liquor behind Newsom. Almost a full day.

5. I didn't know you had to get a microphone drunk before you could deep throat it.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Name That Movie

Ace



"Dogs, sir? Oh, not just now. I do enjoy a good dog once in a while, sir. You can have yourself a three-course meal from one dog. Start with your canine crudites, go to your Fido flambe for main course and for dessert, a Pekingese parfait. And you can pick your teeth with a little paw." 



Best of Son Of The Godfather
He even has to redistribute Fido?


Best of  blue
What did the Kenyan say when first offered a hot dog?
No thanks, that's the only part of a dog that we don't eat.


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
And this, kids, is how 'Chel sees our Portuguesian Watermutt. Speaking of which, I haven't seen that dawg since Monday. Wonder where it is?


Best of Jack Reacher
"And that covers it, except for the niblets, and the less said about them, the better, if ya know what I mean."


Best of Steve O
"Professor Obama, the dog ate my homework."


"Well, let me show you how to make sure that doesn't ever happen again."


Best of Dactyl
Garnish with Woodstock, and it's ready to serve!


Best of  JohnS1959
Mr. Obama reveals his plan to feed the middle class after his economic policies take full effect...


7:58 AM 
 Rodney Dill
Obama gets Sirius about the USDA MyPlate food serving guide.

Kinda Sorta Nothing at All Like that OWS Incident


1. "Son, I'm gonna hafta aks ya to take a step back and stop humpin' mah patrol car."

2. "Gee, Officer Sullivan, I didn't know you could do an oral blood alcohol test like that."

3. "Officer, don't panic, but those shadows look like Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot... we may be in a bad movie."

4. "Officer Bukkake? Is that a Croatian name or something?"

5. "Officer, does this look like herpes?"


Best of JohnS1959
They got him, they got the 'tater...


Best of  Spin
OK Chaz, it is sorta like a penis only smaller.


Best of  Jack Reacher
"Hulk not drunk! Hulk only have eight beers!"

Wonderful World of Wally World

Schneider

1. "Did I wipe in there just now? Let me check. Aw, dammit."

2. "This should effectively camouflage my grotesque man-hands."

3.  Andrew Sullivan's most devoted fans like to emulate his notorious Bill Maher butt-rub in public places.

4. "Aw, damn, that *wasn't* a fart."

5. "Good thing Mitt Romney didn't need any more attacks on Rick Santorum. I'm plum out."


Best of Double the U
I love these "You pick it" stores!


Best of Cat Whisperer
I didn't know that Rachel Maddow shops at WalMart.


Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Fearing the muggers of the dangerous Housewares Section, Martha tucked her cash in a safe place before entering.


Best of Rodney Dill
"Damn, I hate when the adhesive on my butt-closure gives out."


Best of metalgarth
"Scuse me while I whip this out"


Best of metalgarth
Some nerds are so pathetic that they have to give themselves wedgies.


Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Wow! Wal-Mart really does pull its low prices out the ass!


Best of dadoctah
Going to the movies? I see you're picking your seat.


Best of Spin
"Are farts lumpy?"


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
THAWTBUBBLE: Well this is a helluva time for those ben wa balls to come out!


Best of JohnS1959
crackle "Clean-up on aisle seven", Wal-Mart Associates have learned to be proactive when they see Bertha coming...

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Chaz-Been

Q. What do you call someone who has a vagina but claims to be a man?
A. A Democrat.

Hey, Look, Two Dogs Doin' It!


1. Ugh. The only thing worse than a drag queen solo performance is a drag queen duet.

2. "Thanks, Secret Service. I'll take this one."

3. "Hold me closer, you chalk-faced whore."

4. Klingon mating rituals can be fierce, but also have moments of tenderness.

5. I don't wanna be around when they both unhinge their jaws and go at it.



Best of  metalgarth
It drove Han Solo crazy when Chewbacca used the Millenium Falcon's nav computer to download wookie porn.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Wow that feels good....and it's only Halfway Inn!"

Best of  GregMan
Big deal, another well-hung black man doing it to a blonde white woman, like they've never made a pr0n0 like that before...

Best of  prince of leaves
At the last moment, M'Chel thought better of draining the lifeforce from this one...respectable people don't consume horse.

Best of Spin
"Make it lass, don't be Swift wid me"

Best of  Dr. Doom
What happened next wasn't pretty. It went down in the annuls of history as "The Revenge of the Chalk Faced Whores"...

Best of  Spineless Vertebrae
M'Chel would claim she cheated on the president because she need someone more manly.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Get Down, Madame Secretary

I know who pointed me at this but I can't remember her alias


1. "I haven't had this much fun since I went to Lilith Fair in 1996 with Rachel Maddow and Liz Kagan."

2. "Yeah, I bet you'll never see Ann Romney suck a jell-o shot out of the navel of a Colombian Whore!"

3. "Dammit, why can't the Secret Service set *me* up with some hookers!"

4. And on Friday the 13th, the Witches Sabbath, all the covens would gather together to dance and praise their Dark Master.

5. "No, I didn't say 'I wish the DJ would put some rap on,' let me repeat it for you."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston Entertainment Tonight Hillary with her zombie date at the after hour party at the Haitian Embassy.


Best of GregMan Hillary grins as she is about to decapitate another stay-at-home mom.


Best of HLam As the drunk in the corner chants "Skin to win! Skin to win!", the rest of the male customers race for the exit.

Best of metalgarth Never fails. As soon as the band starts playing "Brown eyed girl" a bunch of drunk old skanks take over the dance floor.


Best of Dr. Doom Ms. Clinton, seen here in happier times, at the Hugo Chavez re-election party in 2004...


Best of Son Of The Godfather Subby, control your prom date, please.


Best of Rodney Dill Overheard: "I don't care who she is, I'm not payin' $47.00"

Best of Dactyl And if you order Girls Gone Wild in the next ten minutes, we'll throw in Menopausal Politicians Gone Wild absolutely free!!

SRSLY FLOTUS WTF?





Best of GregMan
Those oompa-loompas get uglier and uglier every time they re-make "Willy Wonka".

Best of  Dr. Doom
On the next Food Network Star Mrs. Obama shares her recipe for the President's favorite meal, Kobe beef hamburgers, artichokes with truffle butter and gold leaf, and vanilla ice cream with imported Swiss chocolate sauce. If you use California artichokes, you can hold the cost down to $4327 per plate!

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
The secret service detail assigned to protect Romney.


Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
Somewhere in the world, the big bad wolf is looking at this picture and thinking: My, my, what big feet you have!


Best of  marco
In another demonstration of its connection with mainstream America, the White House unveils its Great Pumpkin exhibit in mid-April.


Best of Kaptain Krude
"Thanks for the photo, Goofy, can I get your autograph, too? The kids won't hardly believe it."


Best of  Whacko
Engineers at MIT finally solved the problem of footwear that will support the Bitter Half.

Flotter and Trevis


1. The SCOAMF was delighted with the FLOTUS's makeover. "I knew if we tied that nappy weave into a a tight enough knot she'd be forced to smile."

2. The POTUS always accompanied the FLOTUS for walks after a good rain to hunt for fresh gagh.

3. "F--- Ann Romney for never working a day in her life. I am sure her husband could have got her a no-show hospital job for $300K a year."

4. FLOTUS: "Weight loss. Chronic diarrhea. Persistent Cough. Sores. Yup, you got the AIDS all right. Have you told Chris Matthews yet? He deserves to know, you know."

5. POTUS: "What are you smiling about, woman? Are you thinking of Dicky Simpkins again?" Best of Cat Whisperer “I can’t tell if we are doing this right. Get me my Czar from the Ministry of Silly Walks!” Best of prince of leaves M'Chel: [queeeeeef!] [snicker!] Barack: "Ooof, jeez...shallots on your salad again?" Threadwinner: Spin Meet the Smugles

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Enough Is Enough!

I have had it with these mother-f-cking Sikhs on this mother f-cking train.


Saturday, April 14, 2012

Whatever This Is, Handle It




Best of Dr. Doom
He's an 'Army of One' for a reason...

Best of Spin
Alas, Robin finally comes out... in Minnesota no less.

Threadwinner: Kaptain Krude
The new Marvel/DC crossovers just don't seem to have the same zip as the older ones. Take, for example, this new Thor/Batman crossover...please.

Best of dadoctah
Peter was just like a thousand other guys, until that fateful day when he was bitten by a radioactive -- er, well, we're not exactly sure what it was....

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Welcome to Secret Service Training 101

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Batman Underoos? CHECK!
Plastic Viking Helmet? CHECK!
Footlocker full or porno and handlotion? CHECK!

LET SATURDAY NIGHT BEGIN!

Best of Dactyl
I see Brett Favre's come out of retirement again.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
What's in your barracks?

Your Government Cares About You

Friday, April 13, 2012

Let's Move


1. Kid: "I am going to hit you in the face with this, and blood is going to spray in a stream along this vector."

2. In his own way, the autistic child was trying to convey that M'Chel had too much junk in the trunk.

3. "When I grow up, I want to be a GSA bureaucrat and have a million dollar party in Vegas with hookers and mind readers and clowns."

4. M'Chel: "If Obama had a son, he'd look like you... (snort)... yeah, right, if he were into women, Sasha and Malia wouldn't look like Dickey Simpkins."

5. "See, I took the toy cars away from that little white kid and gave 'em to you. Ain't it grand bein' a Democrat?"


Best of GregMan
"Hey ugly lady, if I give you my toy cars will you promise not to drink my blood?"

Best of blue
"Look Mrs. B. shiny object!!!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"...and this is the economy that Barack is driving off the cliff, thoroughly ruining any chance that you kids will ever have more than $20 in your bank account when you retire. Any questions?"

Best of Merovign
Okay, I get that wax figures are *incredibly* realistic these days. But that doesn't answer the original question, which was "why?"

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Mom of Army


After the end of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Private Derek Van Houten was ready to really be himself. His own fabulous self.



Best of Shayne
I don't care what I've been told, that hooker there is mighty old!

Best of prince of leaves
After their botnets were finally shut down, Russian pr0n and escort spammers were reduced to photobombing to peddle their wares.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
"You can't handle the truth..... that your mom here has had sex with everyone in this line. Plus me!"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Ah, now I understand how she can spend $3000 a year on birth control!"

Best of Dr. Doom
Captain Jones gets the uniform of the day wrong.... AGAIN.

Best of racerboy
Line forms on the left, please have correct change...

Thursday Babes

More at the Brigade, of course


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Mr. and Mrs. Der Face

Ace


1. "So, there I was at the Man's Country bath house, and this huge muscle bear with the biggest... Oooh, thanks for the visual aid, M'Chel."

2. No, that's no his impression of Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber, that's his real, actual, O-Face.

3. Even after all these years, Barry is shocked that M'Chel's hooch will fit most of a Portuguese Water hound.

4.  In a traditional Klingon mating ritual, M'Chel hocks a loogie onto her mate's lap and presents him with the head of an animal she beheaded with her b'atleth.

Um, 3. Number of nappy-haired bitches in the picture: 3. ATDHE.



Best of GregMan
"Ahhh! An Amerikkkan flag! Make it go away!!!"

Best of Rodney Dill
What hump?

Best of Cat Whisperer
After only giving a half-effort for the majority of his term in office, the President finally goes full retard.

Best of Submariner
M'Chel twists up the power on the train controller hooked to "Li'l Bammy..."

Best of Jack Reacher
The "What's Happening" reunion show wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped.

Best of prince of leaves
The exact moment when interference from Michelle's Mr. Microphone disrupted the Teleprompter, sending Barack into a cognitive seizure.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"This used to be a soft and cushiony chair. On a completely unrelated note, isn't M'chel'e's outfit wonderful today?"

Where's Jake?


1. "Elephant Ears, I must have them."

2. "Good Lord, look at them shriveled up tittehs! Someone get Ms Coulter a sammitch."

3. "Elephant Ears! I must have them!"

4. "Would someone explain the 'Get in Mah Belly' joke to Governor Romney, please?"

5. "For the last time, I'm just judging the Chaz Bono look alike contest; I am NOT a contestant."


Standard Caption #164, Courtesy of Rodney Dill
...and I live in a van... down my the river!

Best of Rodney Dill
You gonna eat that Krispy Kreme?

Best of dadoctah
(and in other standard caption news): "I didn't get a harrumph out of that guy."

Best of Dactyl
I wouldn't pull that if I were you...

Best of Submariner
$12.95 Once;
$12.95 twice;
SOLD! Exit 15 off the turnpike sold to #437 for $12.95...

Best of Jack Reacher
"I told you already; I don't want any damned term papers."

Best of prince of leaves
...when suddenly, a bolt of blue lightning shot from his finger and instantly incinerated the latest reporter to ask the Governor a stupid leading question.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Either the Worst or Best Tuesday Evar.


1. And a late, late entry in Ace's "Things Whiter Than Barack Obama's Campaign Staff" Contest.

2. ORA: "What's my age again? What's my age again?"

3. And the Wellesley Lacrosse Team takes the field.

4. And with a cry of "Clothes-o Remove-O," the Hufflepuff Team takes the Quidditch field.

5. "Yours!" said Army of Mom and dub simultaneously.


Best of Rodney Dill
"HEY... YOU... GUYS!..."

Best of  dadoctah
Americans don't do Morris dancing. Because we don't have to.

Best of Dr. Doom
I wonder how Barney Frank's quidditch bracket is doing?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Any time the catholic lacrosse team jogged past the rectory, Father O'Michaels could not resist yelling, "Thy rods and thy staffs they comfort me!"
It would figure prominently at his trial.

Best of  prince of leaves
Wow, Chaz Bono's looking slimmer these days.

Um... Penn State... Why Not?


1. "OK, son, Sanduskey's looking over here... lick your lips and look pouty."

2. "It doesn't have to end, you know. There are ways around restraining orders."

3. "This doing anything for you, Greg?" His father's attempt to cure the gay only succeeded in giving Greg a lifelong spandex fetish.

4. "Billy, see if you can spot anything on the field I love less than you. Take your time, no pressure."

5. "Remember when we met Billy... how naked I was?"



Best of GregMan
"Billy, I can have any tight end on this field I want, but I only want yours."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Remember Billy", said coach Williams in his new capacity as PS 47 Pop Warner Head Coach, "Their tailback is only a fourth grader, hit him in the head and don't forget that ACL..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Sure, I've got time to talk, Billy. These are the Lions, after all. Nothing's happening on that field."

Monday, April 09, 2012

I'm back, baby

And I am hoping the seams of those jeans are reinforced with adamantium.



Best of metalgarth
"Kashyyk's next top model", Lowest ratings in the Galaxy

Best of HLam
New P&G ad campaign, "With enough Crisco, anything is possible!"

Best of GregMan
"Dammit, the fumes from my ladyparts ate away the front of my skirt again."

Best of Rodney Dill
...and now for the Spring clothing line on Qo'noS

Best of Dr. David Bowman
"The thing's huge—it goes on forever—and—oh my God—it's full of cellulite!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
Never had so many prayed so hard for so much fabric to remain where it was.

Best of Jack Reacher
If that outfit saves even one sofa, it is worth it.

Best of Dactyl
It's hip, it's trendy, and it'll deflect laser fire at up to 3.2 terawatts per cm squared!

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Election Year Church Expedition


1. "And after church, we're all going out for Skittles and Iced Tea."

2. "Hey, Allahu Ak... I mean Happy, um, what is it, Easter?"

3. "Daddy, you said there'd be crackers at the church, but all there were were some dumb pieces of bread."

4. "I miss Reverend Wright's Easter services... like when he talked about nailing white people to the cross. Remember that daddy?"

5. "Man, if that sermon was only a quarter right, we're all in deep shit."

6. "So, how much money did you 'redistribute' from the collection plate, daddy?"

7. M'Chel: "Boy, I'ma be so glad when that shit is over with for another four years. I need a vacation!"

8. "Daddy, why wasn't the cross in that church hanging upside down over a pentagram soaked in pig's blood like the one at DNC headquarters?"

9. "Just sayin', daddy, that was a real cheap ass gift you left for Mr. and Mr. Barney Frank."

10. "Daddy, don't be silly, Mommy's not sucking c-cks in Hell, she's right here."



Best of blue
Daddy, I'm pregnant and the father is this boy from Florida that I met in Mexico named Trayvon.....

Best of  Censors Hip
Daddy, did the Easter Bunny really vote for you?

Best of blue
da four Obama girls our for a walk

Best of  GregMan
"Daddy, why did that preacher keep pointing at you when he was talking about the Anti-Christ?"

Happy Easter Monors

Friday, April 06, 2012

No Caption, Just This


Best of Submariner
The Dems would likely equate this with water-boarding and protest to the UN...

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Kick the Ball into Her Gaping Fluke-Hole

Al


Best of prince of leaves
July 17, 2006: in happier, saner, and skinnier days, Charles Johnson and Pam Geller enjoy a friendly day at the beach.

Best of dadoctah
After nearly sixty years, Charlie Brown finally exacts his vengeance on Lucy for all those times she promised to hold the football.

Best of Spin
Tap that ass - FAIL

Best of Submariner
A busty babe in a bikini on her knees in front of him and he's playing soccer. I think this is proof that would stand up in court:
Soccer is ghey.

Best of Steve O
Say what you will, the dude's doin' pretty good for a guy with one leg and half an arm growing out of his ribcage.

Like a Penis Only Smaller

Al


Best of blue
Well, you know, Chaz Bono has a bigger one.....

Best of Double the U
Yup, you caught crabs.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I was in the water!"

Best of BananaRepublican
Sorry you do not meet AoM minimum standards. No pass to the beach house for you.

Best of champaignken
ORA: "I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be... And more!"
-"I'm sure it is."
"Look, you don't understand. There was shrinkage."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Okay, I give up... where is Waldo?

Best of prince of leaves
"Nope, I don't see any Best Ofs in there, either..."

Best of dadoctah
Pickup Lines That Work Better Than You'd Expect: #31 "Does this look infected to you?"

Best of GregMan
In the Summer of 1979, a young Keith Olbermann finds out that his p3nis is, indeed, laughably small.

Best of Submariner
Sorry, Levi, but I don't think there's enough girth there to break a hymen...