Friday, March 30, 2012

Kangaroo Muggings

Al

Innuendo


*You* don't have to wait until after the election to see how flexible I can be, Dmitry."

I Can't F--k A Gorilla!

Name that movie (quoted in the Threadline)



1. Bi-Curious George.

2. Some Sasquatch photos just look more photoshopped than others.

3. It was hard for Sasquatch to find a date in Enumclaw, he was just too humanoid for the crowd.

4. "The First Lady wants to know if she can have your fries."

5. "Two words mate: Estrogen Therapy."

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Boo-tay


Every New Picture of Trayvon Martin Just Makes Things Worse



Best of Kaptain Krude
"Karen, you don't need no make-up. You already chalk-faced enough!"

Best of Submariner
If she was wearing a chastity belt, would it be ok to shoot him for trying to break and enter a gated community?


What? Too soon?

Best of Passionate Conservative
Nancy was amazed that Charles fit the whole can of Iced tea in...

Best of prince of leaves
The fact that it was sloppily written like all Spike Lee jointz didn't stop schoolboards across the country from instituting annual Trayvon Martin passion plays.

Best of metalgarth
Interracial Second Rate Porn Fail

Best of Dr. Doom
That awkward moment when Shayla realized this wasn't really an audition for Glee...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Obamalama treasured this picture from his high school yearbook. It would be the last time he'd get that close to a white female butt unless he used the subway.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Typical Blind Date


1. "OK, OK, Stay cool... I'll pay for your contraceptives."

2. "Tell me about my tiny breasts and belly flab... one more time..."

3. "No.. .YOU iron MY shirt!"

4. "I said... What does Marcellus Wallace Look Like?"

5. Every Mormon Missionary I know has a door-knocking story like this.

Gayest. Cereal. Ever.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Smug Alert


1. "Oh, yeah, that fart was especially piquant."

2. "... And if my president were a smug, self-satisfied communist asshole, he'd look like this."

3. That Keith Ellison has some primo sh-t. A few tokes off that and, hell, I believe the Nazis bombed Pearl Harbor. 


4. Obama always blushed whenever he opened the new box of erotically shaped chocolates from Chris Matthews.

5. Nothing sends you to a happy place quicker than a butt-plug smeared with vaseline and Xtasy.


Best of JohnS1959
"Who is a good little communist? I am! I'm a good little communist!", thought the President

Best of Submariner
Chris Mathews crosses one more item off his bucket list after his remake of the speach scene from Police Academy 1.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Chris, Soledad-- you may rise."

Shake it, Newt


1. "It's not only a great metaphor for campaign promises, it also works for first and second marriages."

2. "Now, suppose I convinced you this was an iPad and sold it to you for $600... that's pretty much how the Obama Stimulus worked."

3. "Yeah, I was surprised, too, when I found out Tiffany's sold Etch-A-Sketches."

4. "Mommy said there were no monsters, that they aren't real, but they are..." Oh, sorry, wrong Newt.

5. "See, you can make tits on an Etch-a-Sketch... you just need a very steady hand."



Best of Steve O
Newt finds the prefect medium with which to communicate his ideological philosophy.

Best of Mr. Right
Just at that moment, Ripley screamed, "Get away from him, you ETCH!!!" [Whoops! Sorry, still wrong Newt.]

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
"Well, Outkast told me to shake it like a polaroid picture."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
This is what I use for my vows of fidelity. Find someone better, I just turn it over, shake, instant divorce!

Best of Double the U
...and here is my rocket computer for my moon bases.

Best of Rodney Dill
It has two knobs and the President's teleprompter has two knobs -- Barry and Joe.

Best of prince of leaves
And then his voice shifted to an unearthly baritone. "Just sign here, Jimmy, and all the world shall be yours..."

Best of Submariner
I had the perfect Romney attack ad but the damn Hispanic cabbie took a bumpy road over here, and, well... see?

Best of Jack Reacher
"I don't think these are even made any more. My campaign manager had to pry it off the wall of an Applebee's in Milwaukee."

Best of dadoctah
"Romper, stomper, bomper, boo, tell me, tell me, tell me do...."

I Am Become Obama, Destroyer of Economies


1. "Hey, Look, the Black Panthers are lynching George Zimmerman. Payback, bitches!"

2. "Nope, still can't see a real economic recovery. Call what's left of NASA and hook me up with the Hubble."

3. "Look, on the horizon. Another community that needs to be organized."

4. "Dammit. someone over there has got to have a pack of Kools..."

5. "We can't let the North Koreans launch a surprise attack like the Nazis did at Pearl Harbor."


Best of HLam
Joe Biden nearly peed himself when Obama pulled the binoculars away. He secretly rimmed the eye holes with baby powder.

Best of Cat Whisperer
“General, thanks for promptly carrying out my order to disarm the entire 8th Army in advance of my visit. Don’t want one of you baby-killers to get itchy fingers while I’m here. Oh look, here comes the North Korean army! Quick, load up the teleprompter with my apology speech for the excesses of the Eisenhower administration.”

Best of blue
Boy, I bet even M'Chel could lose weight over there!

Best of Shayne
Hey, when you look through these things backwards, you really can see Mooch's entire a$$.

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "Already apologized to him, and him, and her, and him, and him, and her, and them, and him..."

Best of Mr. Right
"Hey! Can someone, um, tell me where the little lever is that, um, turns the Viewmaster wheel to the next slide?"

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
ORA "Oh, this frame is a elephant. And this one is a rhino!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Uh, Mr. President, the DMZ is in the opposite direction.
Ahem, yessir, understandable mistake... all those people do look alike.

Best of Dr. Doom
Mr. Obama: "Pelosi, I can see an unmolested entrepreneur over there. Get your a$$ out there and slap a tax on him!"
Pelosi: "Oh he is a green energy sector campaign donor Mr. President."
Mr. Obama: "Oh - well carry on then."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I can almost see Carbonite's stock price from here."

Saturday, March 24, 2012

"Hey Kids, How's Missionary Position Practice Going?"


Best of racerboy
"This one time, in church camp..."

Best of Submariner
Coach Calhoun has a difficult time teaching the Ridell High B Ball team the box and one zone...

Best of Dactyl
Asymmetry: when the local high school's wrestling team can beat the cheerleaders at chess, but the high school chess club can't pin a single one.

Best of Dr. Doom
Brittany wins First Prize in the Georgetown Slut Olympics and carries off a year's supply of contraceptives and an internship at the Excellence in Broadcasting Network

Best of Kaptain Krude
Didn't Prince already do this music video?

Lord, that is an ORA.

Friday, March 23, 2012

That's Not a Happy Meal




Best of Dactyl
People who are missing get their pictures on milk cartons. People we *wish* were missing...


Best of Spin
Not a meal for the chalk-faced at heart


Best of Rodney Dill
A McWookie with flies.


Best of prince of leaves
So, now we know what McDonalds had to do to win that Obamacare waiver.


Best of jimmy
The Pink Slime is apparently the least of our problems.


Best of dadoctah
Next month: unveiling the McArugula burger.


Best of Cat Whisperer
McDonald passes on Davis Guggenheim’s design for a new Happy Meal.


Best of Kaptain Krude
Here's a depressing thought: that mug is going to be in our landfills for the next 10,000 years. You're welcome, people of the future!


Best of Submariner
A half-black poser,
Special tax,
Bail outs,
Acorn,
Packers,
Unions,
And a wife with especially big buns...


Best of metalgarth
Suddenly, McPatterson's doesn't seem so bad


THreadwinner jj
I can't believe that nobody's yet commented about McDonald's new McRib logo...

Meanwhile, Back in Uganda or Somewhere


1. And then, Dawn licked all the black children clean.

2. "Madonna, another group of children for you to drain the life force from... I mean, consider for adoption."

3. "Free birth control? Why would I want that? Now, let's get down to the welfare office, kids."

4. "For just $3 a month, you can make a difference in the life of one of these adult Pygmies."

5. Why do 3/4 of the kids in that picture have male pattern baldness?

Thursday, March 22, 2012

You Are Naughty and You Must Be Spanked


1. "All I said was 'Women should pay for their own birth control.'"

2. "Good, good, now spit in her mouth," ordered the Secretary of State.

3. "Newt Gingrich promises to spank the deficit like a dirty, dirty slut." The ad that almost saved his campaign.

4. Meanwhile in Rush Limbaugh's personal slut harem.

5. It's almost worth marrying into the Clinton family just for the Bachelor Party.

Lab Work

The Brigade


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Oh, Have You Met Lydia


Best of Dactyl
And the Kindle edition of Lydia is only 99 cents!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Does she come in Braille?

Best of prince of leaves
"Hepatitis? Sorry, I don't like it that way."

Best of Submariner
I love a story with a happy ending...

Best of Submariner
This must be Sandra Fluke's younger sister - the Easy Reader.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston

Bob was only told his blind date was an open book... and that he probably wouldn't make it past Chapter Two.

Horton Catches Jungle Fever


1. GOP minority voter outreach efforts --- UR DOIN' IT WRONG!

2. "Welcome to Enumclaw, make yourself at home. I am sure you'll be very popular."

3. So, an elephant's truck can create more suction than a Dyson vacuum. I didn't know that. Bummer about your eyeball.

4. The GOP Establishment's alien mind-sucking device creates another Romney supporter.

5. Ang Lee's most daring vision of forbidden love yet.


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In countries where the elephant is the primary mode of transportation, cops absolutely HATE being assigned to breathalyzer checkpoint duty.

Best of Dr. Doom
If you thought Amerikkkan TSA screenings were bad, just try getting on a plane in Nairobi....

Best of Dactyl
Gesundheit.

Best of prince of leaves
The FX in the climactic scene of "Prometheus" leave a little to be desired.

Best of Rodney Dill
Hoser, I don't even know her.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I said, 'We don't want Romney!'"

Best of Silhouette
Horton Hears A U....gandan.

Best of metalgarth
Being a vacuum cleaner salesman in Bedrock was a tough job.

Best of prince of leaves
The most dreaded sandworms on Arrakis were the ones with Napoleon complexes.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Tuesday Night Line-Up


1. Obama's economy has gotten so bad, Barney Frank's boyfriend was forced to lay-off seven of his manwhores.

2. New recruiting poster for the post-Don't Ask Don't Tell military.

3. "Does Anderson Cooper really need this many interns?"

4. ORA: And then Army of Mom came by and selected her prom dates.

5. "Thanks to all that testosterone-suppressing soy we ate in public school lunches, not one of us can muster up a single chest hair."


Best of metalgarth
"Wal-Mart Crane Game Addicts Anonymous", Crocs are optional.

Best of Spin
That many six-packs will require an alcohol beverage license

WV is starting to show self awareness - rydner idmism

Best of prince of leaves
Troi's replicator could never quite make perfect clones of her favorite inflatable rubber cowboy, but she learned to live with the variety.

Best of Dactyl
Is this the line for the My Fair Lady auditions?

Best of Submariner
The Fire Island Community Action Players held a casting call today for the lead in their new production of "Funny Girl..."

Best of dadoctah
"Okay, you get the motorcycle cop uniform. Now, who wants to be an Indian chief?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Is this the ferry for Fire Island? We all just saw Mrs. Obama naked, and we're looking to be with our kind now."

Dad?


Best of metalgarth
Reason #1 why Peyton Manning went to Denver

Best of Double the U
Crap... Football hasn't been the same since I quit drinking.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
Tony Romo's biggest fan.... in more than one way.

Best of Dactyl
Last week, he found a dead cat while going down on his girlfriend.

Best of prince of leaves
Richard Trumka resorts to desperate measures to unionize the Cowboys cheerleaders.

Best of Submariner
The day Kid Rock moved his allegiance from the Cowboys to the Lions...

Best of Dr. Doom
If NEA teaching standards were applied to cheerleaders...

Best of Submariner
Somebody over-inflated that cowboy




cheerleader.
Best of dadoctah
Okay, *now* do you believe me when I said there was a downside to HDTV?

Monday, March 19, 2012

A SCOAMF Every Day of the Week and Never Takes a Vacation


1. "Sorry I, um, stomped on your, um, train. I thought it was the economy."

2. As the elegant gown tore with a high piercing rip, Obama flashed back in a panic; it was that horrible Diva Night at Man's Country all over again."

3. M'Chel. "P'tagh! This gown cost 3,000 darseks! I ought to gut you with my bat'leth."

4. "It looked prettier on me anyway," the SCOAMF fumed silently.

5. The SCOAMF loved it when white women held open doors for him; it made him feel like the elegant princess he knew he was, deep, deep inside.


Best of Cat Whisperer
“Excuse me, Mrs. Obama, it looks like you got a little SCOAMF on your dress.”

Best of HLam
Had it not been for all the elastic sewn into the gown to allow it to get over those massive hips, PrezBo would have ripped that sucker right off of M'chel. The whole country breathed a sigh of relief.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sorry hon, but you really need to use the shorter drapes from the East Wing, not those long drapes in the Blue Room.

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "Why is that chalk-faced whore standing in front of a brother?"

Best of Dactyl
And then Axelrod had the idea for a 'wardrobe malfunction' to attract attention away from the Republican primaries, the rising price of gas, and the speculation about Tim Tebow's next job. In the ensuing riots, hundreds died.

Best of Dr. Doom
The President mentally pats himself on the back after successfully navigating the door. Moments later...

Best of Kaptain Krude
And with a terrible, dreadful rip that seemed to tear at the very fabric of reality, an Obama is revealed to be an alien. Also, M'chel'l is revealed to be from outer space.

Monday Mornings with Mittens


1. "Like my jazz hands? I was taught by an actual Negro."

2. "I'm sorry, I was distracted by my utterly fabulous manicure and failed to hear your question. What was it?Something about being out of touch or whatever?"

3. "You! In the front row. Put your wiener back in your pants, for goodness sake."

4. "All things considered, I'm not surprised at all that MFM reporters think $3,000 a year is a normal budget for contraception."

5. "President Obama? Swell guy, love him to death, he's just in a little bit over his head is all. Rick Santorum, on the other hand, is an evil, illiterate, incompetent demonspawn from the darkest bowels of hell."



Best of Cat Whisperer
“What was the best thing about RomneyCare? Mandatory breast exams!”

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Wait! No! Please! Put that pie down, Rick!

Best of metalgarth
Despite what the media wants you to believe, I can't shoot lightning out of my hands like the evil dude in "Star Wars"

Best of USMC2841
They are real and they are spectacular.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
"Stay back everybody! Only I have built up the tolerance needed to withstand the toxic chemicals coming from the amount of hairspray I use."

Best of prince of leaves
A poorly-tested operating system update in mid-debate left the Rombot staggering about like Frankenstein's monster for the remainder of the evening.

Best of GregMan
"You are getting sleeepy... oh wait, that always happens at one of my speeches."

Best of Submariner
Stop!
In the name of love...
Before you cast your vote;
Think it oh-oh-ver!

Best of Dactyl
I'm this many times richer than all of you put together, and that includes people watching on V or seeing this on a stupid caption-contest site.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Engineuity

Schneider


1. "Yeah, looks like your plugs are shot."

2. Two people died smuggling into a drive-in movie this week.

3. Miguel the Narcoleptic Mechanic was one of the weaker SNL sketches this season.

4. Winter's almost over. Time for the Mexicans to emerge from hibernation. They will be hungry and ill-tempered.

5. "Um, you can stop looking for Al Franken votes. He's been in office for, like, three years now."


Best of Rodney Dill
The New Dodge CRAM


Best of Double the U
Dodge keeps using more and more Mexican made parts in their vehicles.

Best of metalgarth
Shortly after Peggy Bundy said "if you love your Dodge so much, go sleep with it" to Al.


Best of Charlton Heston
“Soylent Gasoline is Mexicans!”


Best of Dactyl
He may not look like much but he'll make point five past . . . oh, forget it.


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thawtbubble: "I coulda had a V-8!"



Best of Steve O
A UAW member, asleep since 1972, is owed $6.2 million in back pay. By you.

Nice Googles

Yeah, I got nothin'

Best of Spineless Vertebra
When I said 'google boobs', I didn't mean for you to type 'google boobs', but I won't complain too much.

Best of Oiao
Can you gess which one of these three does not have to acquire and keep a H-1B Visa?

Best of Dactyl
She would probably think this was really sexist if blondes could read.

Best of Submariner
Not drunk enough;
still holding glass in hand...

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
four boobs

Best of Paul
Google: Keeping us abreast of all we need to know.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Peeps of Walmert Wednesday

Schneider


Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Four hours after Tim finally snatched him, Elmo hung himself for reasons unknown.

Best of metalgarth
Meet Tim, the first person to ever "lose his shirt", literally at the crane game.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
vWhat? Haven't you ever been out shopping in your skivvies only to find you have to rescue your kid from a vending machine?

Best of GregMan
"Oh man, I almost had my maturity there!"

Best of Dr. Doom
Tyrone was tall, handsome, sensitive, and racially progressive. He had almost gotten that 'special' toy for her on his last try... and then Dawn woke up...

Best of Dactyl
Crocs? Really?

Best of Spin
"C'mon, daddy needs a new pair of Crocs"

Best of Submariner
Sheesh! How long IS the wait at this Shoney's?

Best of Kaptain Krude
Woody gasped in horror, and turned to Buzz Lightyear. "Run, this guy looks to be even worse than Sid! And there's none of those little space guys around to run interference this time! We're doomed!"



This better not be an ORA

Too Bad It's a Chevy, 'Cos I So Wanted to do the 'Ford Escape UR DOIN' IT WRONG' Caption.

Schneider


1. Looks like Earl misunderestimated the correct dose of horse tranq on his latest victim.

2. In Arkansas, this is known as camping.

3. "Ah swear none o' this was here when I passed out last night."

4. Meanwhile, in the Sporting Goods Department, "I need some deboning tools, a shovel, and some tarpaulin."

5. "I knew we shoulda made that left turn at Albuquoique."


Best of GregMan
"Boy howdy, that was one wild party at Rick Santorum's campaign headquarters last night!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Dangit, there goes that new car smell. I wouldn't use the cigarette lighter for a few minutes, Cousin."

Best of GregMan
In an attempt to counter the ratings success of Discovery's "Moonshiners", History Channel's "Crystal Meth Labs" pushed the envelope once again.

Best of jj
Jimmy Hoffa wakes up from his 36 year nap...

Best of prince of leaves
After much research, the Scooter Store finally found a Social Security Disability compliant vehicle stout enough to carry around the woman in the previous caption.

Best of Dr. Doom
In Arkansas, this is known as camping. In west Virginia, this is known as dating...

Best of Kaptain Krude
Neville slowly opened his eyes and gazed uncomprehendingly at the unknown roof. Slowly stirring, he managed to get one barely responding arm out of the opening and gazed at the unfamiliar surroundings. Where in the world had Luna Portkeyed him to now?

Best of Dactyl
Hey, you kids get off my lawn!!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

There is a truly horrible story behind this one

A Truly Horrible Story


Watch out for the Rancor Pit in her basement



Best of Dactyl
There *is* a truly terrible story here, and that chair should be the one to tell it.

Best of Spin
Hey, Fat Tuesday was two weeks ago. At least we were drunk then!

Best of prince of leaves
The horrifying true secret of where "pink slime" *really* comes from.

Best of Shayne
Boy, it looks like Rosie O'Donnell has taken off a few pounds!

Best of Rodney Dill
Voted least popular "Where's Waldo" picture.

Best of GregMan
The truly horrible part is that the cat was named Dub.

Best of GregMan
"I think the federal government should pay for my Doritos!"

Sandra Fluke's sister also got to testify before congress, but for some reason did not get enough media coverage.

Best of Whacko
"Have princess Leia bathed and shaved and brought to me with a couple gallons of BBQ sauce."

Best of blue
Doesn't heed free birth control

Best of Steve O
I'm guessing the eHarmony profile pics are from the shoulders up.

Best of Passionate Conservative
"That's no moon..."

Best of Dr. Doom
Dub called her fat - so she ate him...

Dingbats Against Manhood



1. Wednesday grew up to be an iron-balled feminist and Pugsley a transgendered shemale: Gomez and Morticia could not have been more pleased.

2. Bills for contraceptives - lower than Sandra Flukes. Bills for sensible shoes and cat litter - much much higher.

3. Whatever their story is, I really don't want to read it or educate myself about it.

4. The NY Times published our letter from a "concerned Republican woman" about the War on Womyn; the rest of the coven was so thrilled!

5."We're also opposed to circumcision because it really doesn't go far enough as far as we're concerned."


Best of GregMan
"Well, no, a man has never actually whistled at us, but we want this law passed just in case."

Best of Artfldgr
Snip, one more family tree pruned for eternity...

Best of Spin
Guys don't make passes at giants with glasses... and fat dwarf girls either.

Best of Steve O
Students from the Computer Sciences school calculated that they themselves would need only $30 to pay for birth control while they were in college.

Best of Dactyl
Steve O: "Students from the Computer Sciences school calculated that they themselves would need only $30 to pay for birth control while they were in college."

Hey, I resent that. I don't deny it, but I resent it.

Monday, March 12, 2012

For all theChalk Faced Whores Out There

Moonbattery



Best of Submariner
I give a white school this much chance at winning March Madness.

Best of Mr Hankey
Obama announces his plan to fix up the Middle East...."Get Christie Love"

Best of prince of leaves
2032: Secret US government research even more cruel than the Tuskegee Experiment is exposed when a group of human-dandelion genetic hybrids escape and hold a press conference...before abruptly blowing away on a sudden stiff breeze.

Best of Cat Whisperer
“To show my solidarity with Castro, I have decided to grow his beard on my head!”

Best of metalgarth
Ike Turner. It's about that big. That's why he was always slappin' Tina around.

Best of metalgarth
And the gubbmint needs to provide those little wieners in the can. The ones about this big.

Best of arf
I think I saw her pitching the Time-Life 70's Soul Collection on PBS last week.

O Face


1. "You say this device runs on magic? How many billions do you need to commercialize the technology?"

2."And I'll make sure you get all the free contraception and abortions you'll ever want. How does that sound?"

3. "A pink barrette and a blue barrette? You should know, this president loves trendy transgendered children."

4. "Wow! Becky, you know way more about Critical Race Theory than Soledad O'Brien."

5. Becky: "Back off, Mr. President. I know all about you and the Man's Country Bath House."


Best of Cat Whisperer
“Hey don’t feel bad that you thought there were only 50 states instead of 57, kid. You just don’t have the benefit of a madrasa education like I did.”

Best of Rodney Dill
"Are you sitting on my potato, Mr. President?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Girl: We went on vacation and Mommy got me a coconut with a painted face that looks just like you!

-OR-

girl: You know what?
BO: What?
girl: My uncles in china work very hard.
BO: Doing what?
girl: They crank out research papers for lazy american kids when they're not stealing vital american secrets.

Best of Dactyl
Looks like Obama found her missing legos. The hard way.

Best of dadoctah
"Really? And then what did Rainbow Dash say to Pinkie Pie?"

wv: frocancy mismint. This should have gone with the Angela Davis picture.

Best of prince of leaves
"Looky, no hands!" The President's testicles instantly regretted his asking Tricia to demonstrate the self-defense techniques the class had been learning to deal with sexual predators.

Best of GregMan
"You know, Becky, at some point you have enough Legos. Now give me some!"

Best of Steve O
Jayden congratulates the nice man. He was able to build his tower soooooo-o-o-o high.

Best of Submariner
The exact moment that BO's testicles dropped.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Some Announcements

1. On Monday I am starting a new job, so ... captioning will be even more irregular than it had been lately while I get the lay of the land at the new office.

2. Also, Book 11 of Worlds Apart went up Saturday.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Cos I'm a Blond


1. "Oh well, it's not as bad as the time Bill Maher put his cigarette out in my eye."

2. Free Contraception: Your tax dollars at work.

3. Desperately hoping Rush Limbaugh will call her a slut and make her rich and famous.

4. ORA: "I'm a top model, and my rich boyfriend just started a company making Sorelpoms."

5. I'm not great at reading body language, but I think she is suggesting a willingness to engage in fellatio.

Friday, March 09, 2012

Chalk Faced Whoresluts.


1. I'm sorry, I just think Russian newscasts are weird.

2. In a last ditch effort to save his candidacy, Ron Paul unleashes his fembots.

3. The Oxygen Network's remake of Charlie's Angels was severely disappointing.

4. Obama's Death Panelists model their snappy new uniforms.

5. Real Housewives of the Empire,coming this fall on the Death Star Channel.

Best of Double the U
We came from across the galaxy for our free birth control and to prosecute Rush Limbaugh.

Best of prince of leaves
Tired of criticism that their alien races differed only in their forehead prostheses, ST:NG makeup artists experimented with grotesque overbites instead.

Best of prince of leaves
#OccupyRisa reacts to Commander Riker beaming in to negotiate.

Best of Steve O
The "Snatch Team" from planet Lezbo are shocked and disappointed to see that they accidentally captured "Hillary Clinton" when they were trying for "Hillary Duff."

Best of jimmy
The ladies react to the return of the re-animated corpse of their nemesis Abby Cunningham, tonight on "Knots Landing In Space".

Best ofKaptain Krude
"The new Sybians are here!"

Best ofdadoctah
Feh. Flo from Progressive can kick all three of their asses with her eyes closed.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Ever wondered about the aliens' reaction to what they find when giving a redneck an anal probe? Now you know.

Best of blue
OK girls, set phasors on vibrate.....

Best of GregMan
Even though they had been warned, the new member's of Hillary's Palace Guard were shocked by the size of her clenis.

Best of Vinneh
"We have intercepted transmissions of We the People and have travelled across many galaxies to worship a woman named Allred. Where may we find this sage"?

But, Enough About My Clenis


1. "Pay no attention to last week's photo. This is my actual O face."

2. The exact moment a State Department intern wonders, "Is it worth it for a letter of recommendation?"

3. As Chelsea gets deeper into her thirties, the world rests easier that no child will ever have to face this "Give grandma a kiss" moment.

4. The last time I saw a face like that, Sigourney Weaver was telling it to "Get away from her, you bitch!"

5. "Once I ate a Muffin THIS Big."

best of Rodney Dill
Toldya if ya kissed Obama's ass often enough your face would get stuck like that.

best of blue
Monica's thighs were this big, just the way Bill likes 'em......

best of jj
Ms.Pelosi, you really think I'm gonna need this much botox?

best of Being best
"... so I took one of Rosie's cheeks, and I puckered my lips, and..."

best of Dactyl
In an attempt to show that his administration was in touch with Main Street, Obama's cabinet members started auditioning for Subway commercials.

best of Dr. Doom
"Yes Mr. Ambassador, I understand that India is shocked and angry because the Marines barbequed hamburgers at the embassy", replied the Secretary of State, "I'm sure President Obama will issue a formal apology as soon as he is done apologizing to the Russians for our harsh words after they 'liberated' Georgia..."

best of Submariner
"Once I ate a muffin-top THIS big."
There, I fixed it for you...

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Armed and Dangerous


1. Ana was mad as hell, and vowed she wasn't going to pay for her contraceptives ever again.

2. "Shoe sale at DSW, no one is standing between me and those red f--k me pumps."

3. With the recession dragging into its fourth year, HR officers become more creative at reducing headcount.

4. "Damn right my daughter will be on the cheerleading team this year." A Texas mom prepares to take out the competition.

5. That's no way to kill roaches.... but, hey, don't let me stop you.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Lucy warned Starbucks that she gets extremely cranky when she doesn't get her latte within a minute of ordering it.

Best of jj
Sarah, just say something. Then when that dork Olbermann pops his head up, I've got 'em...

Best of champaignken
This is what happens to Asian kids who get B's in school.

Best of dadoctah
"Okay, cue the giant robot, and let's see some tentacles in here people!"

Best of Submariner
.308 Savage 548
Box of CoreLokt ammo $21.95
Fancy black and white urban assault hunting outfit with stockings and garter belt: PRICELESS!

Best of metalgarth
Ask me again to do your laundry. I dare you.

Best of Spin
Go on, let me hear you say "me love you long time" just once more roundeye.

Best of mega
MUCH better than BDU's. Good call, Panetta!!

Best of Submariner
Word to the wise;
The Dept of Agriculture takes raw milk violations serious!

Best of GregMan
Some Mama Grizzlies did not take HBO's phony "Game Change" movie at all well.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Oh I'll make him a sandwich alright", thought Mona, "Bubba on rye coming right up..."

Best of Steve O
Some office environments are more competitive than others.

Soylent Pink

Your Government's idea of a healthy school lunch component.



1. Soylent Pink is made out of Government Subsidized Meat Components; and also probably people.

2. Dudley Moore and his fellow mental patients came up with the winning slogan, 'Soylent Pink; Made From the Worst Stuff on Earth'

3. If 'Hello Kitty' could take a crap, it would look like this.

4. "Has anyone seen my albino boa constrictor?"

5. Now that you've seen one of her yeast infections, you know why Sandra Fluke needs a thousand dollars a year to care for her ladyparts.

Best of Rodney Dill
How was the colon cleanse Sully?

Best of dadoctah
Unicorn poop!

Best of Cat Whisperer
Despite having no idea what it is, President Obama signed an Executive Order today requiring all automobiles to get 60 miles per gallon of Pink Slime by the year 2018.

Best of Submariner
Binge and purge night Rosie's abode was not for the squeamish...

Best of Submariner
Momma always told me that would happen if I kept forcin' farts!

Best of Dactyl
Three words: High. Fiber. Diet.

Best of GregMan
Dammit, get the federal government to buy Sandra Fluke some tampons already.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Upton Sinclair is spinning in his grave, moaning, "I told you not to look!"

Best of prince of leaves
ToonTown's panther sausage fad was of necessity very short-lived.

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Sad Vlad

Best of prince of leaves
"Oh, sorry...got a little Stalinst nostalgia in my eye there..."

Best of dadoctah
Karaoke night at the Kremlin went off the rails when someone did "Last Game of the Season (A Blind Man in the Bleachers)".

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
He always gets a little misty-eyed watching those tanks and missles roll past.

Best of Dr. Doom
After witnessing riots at one polling station, Mr. Putin laments his lack of crossbow bolts and dreams of things that might have been...

Best of Submariner
Saying "Goodbye" to the last bottle of Stoly always put a damper on a weekend at Vlad's.

Best of Jack Reacher
Putin was misty-eyed at the news he made it to Caption This. None of his advisers had the courage to tell him it was on a Tuesday.

Best of metalgarth
I never get any threadwinners or best ofs anymore.

Best of GregMan
"My old communist comrade Barry Soetero is destroying Amerikkka from within, I managed to steal this election without being caught, and my f#ckbuddy Sandra Fluke will get her birth control for free... it's all going so much better than I could have hoped for."

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubblinskyi; "I remember shooting MY first peasant..."

At Least It's Not a Hyena


1."I'm glad you made it home from Afghanistan, Rusty. Now, let's go home and make sweet, sweet love."

2. "Sandra and I demand free condoms." "Arf?" "Yes, ribbed, of course."

3. "And I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I--I-I-I-I-I-I... will always love Y-O-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U!"

4. "All right, Rusty, time to get... um... tutored."

5. Just another Saturday Night at the Enumclaw Motel 6.

Best of metalgarth
North American Man/Boy-Wookie Love Association headquarters.

Best of metalgarth
"My first choice was Sandra Fluke, but her standards are too high"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Hi, yes, I'd like to make a complaint. When I brought him here, I said that I didn't want him humping my leg anymore. Are you guys trying to be funny?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
OJA: "Where did you learn how to kiss like that?"

Best of Dactyl
"I SAW A MOUSE!!!"

Best of Dactyl
Wanna see Scruffy do his impression of a Marine?

Best of Rodney Dill
"Please Mitt, not the car roof."

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: sheepdog breeding on LV-426 was a messy affair.

Best of dadoctah
Lycanthropy is particularly trying when it affects one of a set of conjoined twins.

Best of Submariner
So Ang Lee finalyy decided to remake "The Shaggy Dog," eh? Bet he'll cast Jake Gyllenhaal as Wilby.

Best of GregMan
"Me ruff you rong time."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Yes, I am here to inquire about the add you posted", explained Bob, "rover here is interested in a writing career..."

Go Ahead Ask, Tell.


1. The USA now has the gayest Army in the world; and France is like, so jealous.

2. "I am so glad you're home. I got so tired of f--king that hyena.."

3.The US Army: Be As Fabulous As You Can Be.

4. "Why don't you bring your 'privates' back to the barracks for some 'corporal' punishment. I've got a 'Major' Woody."

5. "I never said I was an Army Ranger, I said I was in the Army and I was a Rump Ranger."

Best of blue
He's not heavy, he's my lover.

Best of dadoctah
The cast of Glee salute Full Metal Jacket.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
I can't wit to get you home & show you teh stinger!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"I can't wait to get home and slip out of these things and into something pretty."

Best of prince of leaves
Oh great. Making fun of a soldier paralyzed from the diaphragm down during combat, who has to be carried everywhere and given constant breathing assistance by his caretaker. Read his story. Educate yourselves. Monors.

Best of prince of leaves
Among the few men in Washington D.C. who won't be running up Sandra Fluke's birth control tab.

Best of dadoctah
Where does the "one cup" part come into play?

Best of Submariner
Barack snorted; "This would be a perfect recruiting poster for my armed forces except for that hideous stripey, starry thing hanging in the background...

Best of Submariner
Looks like the Recruiters were finally given the green light at Berkeley.

Best of Steve O
Don't look, don't hurl.

Monday, March 05, 2012

Mittens and Mike


1. "You must have a pile of money this high to support my campaign."

2."Ninjas? Stand back. I got this."

3. ♪ "I just wanna be myself,And I want you to love me for who I am. I just wanna be myself, And I want you to know, I am my hair." ♪

4."No, I won't let the Government pay for contraceptives. Mitt Romney likes it bareback."

5. "What do you mean this isn't where the spout goes. Maybe my friends own better little teapots than you landless peasants."

Best of mega
When each of my kids attains this height, I buy them a Nascar team, a luxury car, and a small black child to play with.

Best of Artfldgr
You mean that this isn't the improv, and i saluted comedy for nothing?

Best of Spin
...And I pledge to keep my pimp hand strong.

Best of prince of leaves
"Zrroooom! That's the sound my private jet makes!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Well the dog on the car roof did have rather large ears and with the Bournelli effect caused enough lift, to give me 2 miles more a gallon."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Okay, so I throw like a sissy. When I was growing up, we couldn't afford baseballs. All we had were rocks, rotten tomatoes and the occasional hairy bezoar my aunt Tilly hacked up.

Best of Dactyl
If it wasn't for my hair, I'd only be about this tall.

Best of Steve O
A pile of used condoms $3,000 dollars high would be, like, up to HERE!

Best of Rodney Dill
"...and I live in a van, down by the river."

Best of USMC2841
My old man has a stack of nudie books this high.

Best of Submariner
Someday Alice, to the moon!

Go Ahead, Guys, Apparently, She's Easier Than Remedial Math

Moonbattery


And don't forget the lovely... um... thing... in the lower left corner.

Best of Vinneh

"Before I begin, I have a prepared statement to read. I would like to thank Mrs. Pelosi and the committee for the opportunity to exploit my sex life for our cause."



Best of metalgarth

ORA: "Single female lawyer... having lots of sex"



Best of Cat Whisperer

"efore I begin my prepared remarks, I would to say that I am an expert on all of the things I think the taxpayers should provide for me. After all, I was named after the Liver Fluke, a parasite that lives off humans.”



Best of Army of Dad

Nice to see that Envy got out of the hallway and got a job as an A/V intern for CSPAN.



Best of GregMan

"Just because I'm testifying at a nationally televised senate hearing asking for the federal government to pay for my birth control is NO REASON to bring my private sex life into it!"



Best of metalgarth

Yes, I can do a Gavin Newsom impersonation but this microphone is pretty small for being black.



Best of Shayne

"I understand, Ms. Speaker. It's tough when you have that "not-so-fresh" feeling."



Best of Passionate Conservative

ORA: "You came in that? You're braver than I thought..."



Best of Latecomer

That thing in the corner is just Randi Rhodes licking vodka out of the carpet.

The SCOAMF, a Dirty Frakker



1. "Bat Cave. Five Minutes. Wear something kinky."

2. "The um, earlobe, um, no, not the, um, earlobe. That drives me, um, crazy."

3. "Well, um, I'm sorry you got, um, laid off. But would you like a job in, um, Solar Panels, Captain Stubing?"

4. "You know what I um, hate... a bald white guy. ... There's um, one right in front of me, isn't there?"

5. "No, cracker, your life isn't worth saving. See Secretary Sebelius for your pain pill and free contraceptive."

Friday, March 02, 2012

Madame Secretary's Face Freeze


"Pssst, Hey, Maria, I think the bull dyke in the blue pantsuit is winking at you... or having a stroke... hard to tell."



Best of Carpe Phlogiston

Hillary looks around at Pelosi and sputters, "Nancy, my botox is failing! Toss me two of your special Epi-Pens, QUICK!"

Pelosi replies: "Sowwy, I don't have a pair to spare."



Best of dadoctah

Angela Merkel's beer-spilling waiter strikes again!



Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck

ARRRGH! Where be the Smelly Pirate Hookers I were promised?! ARRRRRGH!



Best of Spin

"Hey good lookin we'll be back to pick you up later" ...



Best of Son Of The Godfather

"Hey Biden, that was some grade 'A' sh*t... Think I can get another 'tootski' over here?"



Best of Passionate Conservative

Popeye's illegitimate love child was discovered quite by accident one day at the Moveon.org garage sale.



Best of Dactyl

Of course we're on Israel's side (wink wink).

Don't worry, the Norks are gonna hold up their end of the deal this time (wink wink).

We have no intention of ceding American sovereignty to the United Nations (wink wink).



Best of Mr Hankey

...and with that look, Boehner finally got it and stood up to officially announce the GOP apology to Bill for the whole impeachment thing



Best of Submariner

The exact moment that the Hilldawg realizes that no matter WHAT she did, no one was going to throw her beads...



Best of blue

Hillary, feeling a bit amorous, winks at Bill.

Bill throws up.



Best of Army of Dad

I can't believe V got a picture at the exact moment Hillary got her clit pierced.



Best of Steve O

Her mother always said:

"Don't handicap your country with inept diplomacy or your face will freeze like that!"

Mr. and Mrs. AT-AT


1. After seeing themselves in the mirror, they decided the costume would draw fewer snickers if *she* were in front.

2. Other guys' girlfriends wear Princess Leia's slave costume, but not mine. FML.

3. "I get it. I'm Han Solo. I shoot off prematurely. Can we end this humiliation yet?"

4. Their costume only won second place after Robin Wiliams took off his shirt and yelled "I'm Chewbacca, bitches!"

5. "Thanks to Obama's free abortion and birth control, we never have to worry about our children being embarrassed by this."



Best of Rodney Dill

Things went along fairly well until Ned found out he couldn't scratch his ball turret.



Best of metalgarth

Standard caption #1

Imperial Walk'er... I hardly know her!



Best of dadoctah

...and I'm a Mormon.



Best of Son Of The Godfather

“Without insurance coverage, AT-AT costumes, as you know, can cost a woman over $3,000 during law school,”



Best of Steve O

Tom was always gloating that he was dating the only decent looking chick from the Star Wars convention.



Best of Spin

No, No , NO this is supposed to be a T & A parade

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