Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Yeah, You Totally Didn't See This...

The Brigade

A Boy in His Hyena


1. Sarah Jessica Parker done got herself a boy-toy.

2. "Yeah, how 'bout some T&T&T&T&A."

3. At first, Rick's parents just thought it was a little strange, but when the neighborhood babies started disappearing, that was a cause for concern.

4. Twilight --- the even gayer *alternate* ending.

5. "Eat your heart out, basketball player and coach from the other week."

Best of dadoctah
Maybe the baby ate your dingo....

Best of Adriane
Ang Le ... Shaggy Dog ... blah blah blah ...

Best of Steve O
How the story of "A Blind Boy and His Dog" became the story of "The Boy With No Face."

Best of prince of leaves
Rick and his "girlfriend" were run out of town after the city commission decided this was too much even for Enumclaw.

Best of Spin
Wigger exclaims: Dis bitch be mine!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Saying goodbye was difficult, but Spot had just been accepted into the namibian police dog training academy.

Best of Cat Whisperer
“I just loved you in the ‘Lion King’, Whoopie Goldberg.”

Best of Matt the K
Aaaachh!!! My back -- l've got a hyenated disc.

Best of Submariner
I will hug him, and love him, and squeeze him, and call him George...

Best of Vinneh
Governor O'Malley, we want to be married."

Best of Dactyl
A young Ted Kennedy feels up the wrong bitch.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Crash and Burn


1. The First Chevy Volt to compete in NASCAR was not a resounding success.

2. Subsequently, NASCAR adopted a very strict "No texting while driving" policy.

3. "Thanks, Peter North. Once again, your legendary ejaculatory volume has saved the day."

4. The first Palestinian NASCAR driver ended his career with a "Bang!" and massive midfield casualties.

5. And when the witch burning was concluded, the actual race could begin.


Threadwinner: Vinneh
"You guys better put it out fast, the owner knows Mitt."

Best of Dr. Doom
Fortunately the fire was quickly extinguished when the first two rows in turn 3 poured their beers on it...

Best of prince of leaves
After seeing the image of Satan in the inferno, President Santorum immediately banned all open flames.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Dr. Emmett Brown's choice of vehicles made Marty McFly much more eager to test the new time machine.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
BURNING MAN... FAIL but quite spectacularly.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Suddenly this naked fat woman came outta nowhere and jumped on my hood."

Best of dadoctah
Hot Wheels and Matchbox are now locked in a fierce battle for the marketing rights.

Best of GregMan
Some Bitter Clingers at Daytona were going to burn SCOAMF in effigy, but when he showed up for real, they figured "what the hell".

Best of Submariner riffing prince of leaves
Let go from Current TV and with nowhere lower to go, a broke and embittered Keith Olbermann protests the right-wing takeover of all media by immolating himself at a NASCAR event.

...and just like his program, no one noticed.

Best of Submariner
Q - How can you tell this ain't taking place in Gaza?
A - No car swarm

Best of dadoctah
I'll never understand why Ford didn't latch onto the "Chariots of Fire" music to sell the Pinto.

Some Kind of Suit of Armor with a Feather Boa that Posted Early


1. Sauron would regret repealing the Orcs' "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

2 .Lady Ga Ga, it's over. Deal with it.

3. "Sure, Mrs Obama, I can take out the hips a little. I'll just need... 3 or 4 sheets of siding."

4. Sarah Jessica Parker's Oscar gown was designed to cover up her 'trouble spots.'

5. I hate it on a Star Trek when they create a "new alien race" by throwing a new feather boa on an old alien race. 

Best of blue
The costume for Iron Man 3 left something to be desired.

Best of Double the U
GWAR has run out of ideas.

Best of mpur
Sir Mincealot

Best of prince of leaves
The Tin Woodsman eventually traced his strange new compulsions to the fact that his donor heart had come from a drag queen.

Best of metalgarth
The Knights That Say 'Ni' after DADT was repealed

Best of Dr. Doom
Altar Boy training was never boring when Monsignor Flanagan was in charge...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I'm armored but FAAAA-bulous, thanks for asking!"

Best of Adriane
But Father, the Prince has ... one large tract of land too!

Best of Dactyl
Well I for one welcome our *FABULOUS* robot overlords.

Best of Steve O
Princess Beatrice's FIRST choice for the wedding was even more bizarre.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Tired of paparazzi filming her facial expressions and tasteless fashion sense, Hillary Clinton resorts to an "all occasions" ensemble.

Welcome to the Bun Boy Motel


Andrew Sullivan would never forgive Priceline for their deception.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Wonder if the registration clerk asks if you want a top or bottom bunk?

Best of jj
The only motel in town where you are on the free movie channel next week!

Best of GregMan
"Damn my barbed penis", Bun-boy said.

Best of Artfldgr
Ben and Aida Bunboy never understood why their business venture attracted a somewhat colorful crowd...

Best of Artfldgr
If it wasn't for the T-shirt stand at Folsom, this joint would have closed its crack for good long ago

Best of Submariner
The Bun Boy Motel:
Where "Top or Bottom Floor?" has more significant implications...

Best of Dr. Doom
Instead of mints, the maids place a fresh pack of butt closures on the pillows each day...

Best of prince of leaves
"Welcome back, Mr. Sullivan! We have your suite prepared for you, as usual."

Best of dadoctah
Bun Boy. The even-less successful teen sidekick of unsuccessful superhero Loafman.

Monday, February 27, 2012

This is passing around



Best of dadoctah
The little-understood dark side of tickle addiction.

Best of prince of leaves
Too late, The Count realizes he's not really cut out for playing Hangman.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Is this really so surprising? I mean just take the 'L' out of his name and look what you have.

Best of HLam
Sesame Streets episode showing kids the dangers of playing with blind cords was a little too realistic.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The new school principal had an edgy but surprisingly effective way of telegraphing his "Don't F*ck with Us" message to students.

Best of Mr Hankey
Elmo branches out with a role in the new movie about "INXS"

Best of Dr. Doom
Auto-erotic Asphyxiation Elmo was not nearly the commercial success of his predecessors...

Best of Rodney Dill
While Tickle Me Elmo continued to achieve much success and glory, his lesser known cousin, Bugger Me Elmo came to a sudden tragic end.

Fighting for the Privilege of Losing to SCOAMF


1. Romney's response to Santorum's criticisms of Romneycare: "Tickle Fight!"

2."Hey, can't we just stop fighting and be grateful nobody good is running?"

3. Santorum: "Hey, look, just because I lost my senate seat to a mentally retarded man doesn't mean I can't beat the SCOAMF."

4. Romney: "Rick, I don't wanna say your wife is ugly, but the last time I saw a face like that, it was strapped to the top of my car."

5. Santorum. "Food goes in here."

Best of Mr Hankey
No no no...you put YOUR chocolate in MY peanut butter.

Best of GregMan
"C'mon, Mitt, plant a big wet Mormon kiss right here."

Best of dadoctah
"Here's a switch: how's about *you* tell *me* about Ron Paul?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Duck Season...
WABBIT SEASON
Duck Season...
WABBIT SEASON
wabbit Season
DUCK SEASON... and that's final.

Best of Rodney Dill
Pies Iesu Domine, (thwack)
Donna eis Santorum, (thwack)

Stomp!



1. "Mr. Romney, step out of the car and unstrap the dog from the roof."

2. Meghan McCain pays a visit to the set of 'Top Gear.'

3. GEICO's new spokeswoman, Angry Naked Lesbian, was not as popular as the Gecko or the Cavemen.

4. "Hand over the McNuggets and the Shamrock Shake! And all the fries!!" Meghan McCain goes off her diet.

5. Government Motors tried to goose sales of the Chevy Volt by adding a provocative hood ornament. Appropriately, it was gross, bloated, and impeded any chance of reasonable progress.

Best of GregMan
"You aren't going anywhere until I tell you about Ron Paul!"

Best of GregMan
Thunderthighsgirl saves the day yet again as she rescues an innocent passerby from her nemesis, The Ghost In The iPhone.

Best of Rodney Dill
HULK SMASH!!!

Best of Mr Hankey
I didn't enjoy "The Girl With The Butterfly Tattoo" quite as much.

Best of Shayne
Mom?

Best of metalgarth
Puncuation 101: The correct caption is "I'm the juggernaut bitch", not "I'm the juggernaut, bitch." Commas matter.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Day 596: Finally! After so many days and nights of waiting, the pizza delivery boy has made his last mistake!" Michael Moore's last diary entry explained how he looked so thin and svelte in his last known photo.

Best of prince of leaves
He finally announced that he would be running after all, but this isn't what Chris Christie fans had in mind.

Best of Adriane
Well ... um ... OK, but at least s/he's not wearing white after Labor Day!!!

Best of Mr Hankey
Sinead O'Connor's honeymoon videos show that she left out some details during the search for crack in Vegas.

Best of Submariner
After his initial "re-equipping," Chaz Bono couldn't wait to show off his new toy...

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Portrait of an LGF Commenter


1. "Not even remotely hot chicks with douchebags" was not as successful as the blog that inspired it.

2. Not to say Eugene was pathetic, but he was the kid the drama club bullied.

3. "OOOOOOKLAHOMA!... where the nerds try vainly to get to second base..."

4. "OK, now before we call this meeting of 'Youth for Ron Paul' to order, I have to ask all the Jews to leave."

5. Damn, ever LA passed those 'No Barebacking' laws, pr0n has gotten just pathetic.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Yay. Go Team.


1. The Sequel to "Mystery Men" was even worse than the original.

2. Unfortunately, the school administration had no idea what the word entailed when they initiated "Cosplay Night"

3. The sheriff's department sent a few deputies over to the school to make sure the Primary Colors Club didn't get into another rumble with the Grayscale Gang.

4. The basketball coach chuckled quietly that the schoolgirls needed entire capes to communicate what he could get across with a colored handkerchief in his back pocket.

5. "I wish the basketball team would wrap up this silly game so we could begin our Erotic Catfight Competition."

Best of blue
Amherst has male students???

Best of Submariner
Amherst coeds were dissappointed when they found out that the flyers meant it was the basketbal team that would be blown out by Michigan rather than them doing the same to Hugh Jackman...

Best of prince of leaves
"What do we want? Apathy! When do we want it? Eh...whenever."

Best of Spin
Scott Pilgrim Saves Amherst

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Uhh - aren't those A's all supposed to be the color scarlet?

Best of Dr. Doom
Not even the combined power of the Super Nerd League could prevent the rout when Amherst played Kentucky...

Best of Spineless Vertebra
The Powerpuff Girls... you're doing it... close enough, I guess.

Best of blue
girl in yellow: "12 sure doesn't reflect his actual size, if you know what I mean!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Krutcher (guy in black hoodie) thought he'd be the center of attention at his Junior High reunion, but the kids couldn't take their eyes off Charlie Sheen who was hanging from the rafters throwing feces at Ashton.

Best of metalgarth
Who watches the watchmen while their watching basketball?

Stylin' in da Hood

Brender


1. Aretha Franklin was all set for Obama's second inaugural.

2. I see the White House is hosting another 'Alice in Wonderland' party.

3. M'Chel's fashion sense just gets worse and worse. 

4. Hawaii 5-0 was a big hit, so why not bring back Starsky and Hutch? The line for Huggy Bear auditions forms to the left.

5. As the Republicans imploded, the amount of swagger in the SCOAMF 2012 campaign became ridiculous.

Best of blue
M'Chel thought the hat would distract prole from looking at her butt.....

Best of Shayne
Does my hat make my FLOTUS' ass look big?

Best of prince of leaves
Prince launches yet another desperate bid for attention and relevance.

Threadwinner: Rodney Dill
New summer blockbuster - Weekend at Whitney's

(too soon?)

Best of Kaptain Krude
Not just the couch, but the pillows and blankets, as well? Damn you, Mrs. Obama, damn you!!!!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
When Mel Brooks was asked to comment on BET's version of Spaceballs he wept and said, "It's so wrong on so many levels."

Best of Dactyl
This is what happens when you leave your runway models in the dryer too long.

Best of metalgarth
Hey Shaniquewa, watch me pull a big ass rabbit outta my hat!

Best of Mr Hankey
Announcing "The Curious George Collection"

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Innocent Mormon Boy Molested by BB Skanks


1. Champion Quidditch players got their choice of Hogwarts cheerleaders.

2. "They totally bought that I was a medical student and offered to help me study for my gynecology midterm." 

3."I had to convince them I was in Special Ed, but it was SO worth it."

4. "So, what do you ladies hear about Ron Paul?"

5. "Sorry mom and dad, I accidentally turned on MSNBC when Meghan McCain and Rachel Maddow were talking about vaginal probing and I needed an emergency jump start on my heterosexuality."

Kelly Kelly Kelly Brook Brook Brook




Thank Al It's Thursday


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Weird Al and Team Edward

Here


1.Hey, what's Weird Al doing with my crossbow target?

2. "Yeah, my career hit 'Twilight' right after 'Amish Paradise.'"

3.   ♪ ♫ "'She ran calling v-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-mpire... She ran calling v-a-a-a-a-mpire...' Nah, too seventies." ♪ ♫

4.  'Andrew Sullivan had a yard sale. It still has slobber stains on it. I hope that's slobber. How long does the HIV virus survive in open air."

5. Do you have any idea how many emotionally stunted middle-aged women I had to fight off at Dollar Tree to claim this prize?

Feelin' Blue

Schneider


1. "Could you point us to the seafood department. We have to pick up some oysters for our cult."

2. Ultra, ultra ORA: "So, which one of you guys is Zaz?"

3. So, Papa Smurf picked up a couple of Tennessee Shack-Up honeys, is that what I am to believe here?"

4. "Sorry, can't buy liquor here on Sunday because of the blue laws." And another case of racism heads to the DoJ for adjudication.

5. "So, just how long have you guys been withholding sex from each other?"

Best of Rodney Dill
...on the other hand paternity claims were rather hard to dispute.

Best of metalgarth
Whaddya mean our credit card was declined? That's just smurfing great!

Best of Double the U
Which way to the Blue Light Special?

Best of dadoctah
Willy Wonka's gum goes to beta test.

Best of jj
Wow...Blue Man Group has really let themselves go...

Best of JohnS1959
New on Oxygen this fall, Oompah Loompah Sister Wives

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Upon learning the store ran out of Twinkies and Ho Ho's, they staged an impromptu protest by holding their breath until they turned... well, you know.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Our Five-Thousandeth Post

Daily Caller via Jim "Mother May I Sleep with" Treacher


1. "Repeat with me, everyone. 'The Corps is Mother, The Corps is Father.' And don't pronounce it like that idiotic SCOAMF does."

2. Hillary's jazz hand sort of sucked, but her impression of Obama's retard face was spot-on.

3. "And in 2016, we will begin implanting health care tracking chips into the right hand of every citizen."

4. Hillary was only a tad surprised at the response to the question, 'Raise your hand if you have orally serviced a president of the United States."

5. This went way better than Hillary'slast trip to a Health Care Facility...

Best of Dactyl
After repeated washings, do your whites start to look drab and dingy?

Best of Spin
Five...FIVE...$5.00 foot-longs all month at Subway

Best of Passionate Conservative
This hand is used for pleasure...

Best of Cat Whisperer
Our Secretary of State greets the returning Heaven's Gate cultists aboard the mother ship.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Oh! They picked me! So I follow them to the top of the volcano, and then what happens?"

Best of Christopher Estep
The Obamacare Death Panel always opens its meetings by polling the members for how many empty hospital beds "created or saved" in the last week.

Best of dadoctah
Where da white pantsuit at?

Best of Submariner
Who thinks the bitch should iron shirts?

THreadwinner Mr Hankey
Logan 5...you are LONG past due time to enter Carousel.

Best of VInneh
Hillary mets with the medical team that will secretly castrate Bill during his annual check up.



Why Rick Santorum wants to bring back, Don't Ask, Don't Tell


1."Hey, that's not an Irish Woodcock. Who's been messing with my Ornithology book?"

2. With careful camouflage, it is possible to get around annoying restraining order.

3. Barney Frank made a note to have a hedge maze installed at the next practical interval.

4. Eric Stoltz's early porn movie roles were only slightly less embarrassing than Caprica

5. New poster for the new gay-friendly, environment-friendly, ginger-friendly Army.

Best of metalgarth
Will Ang Lee's remake of 'Rambo' be known as 'Ramrod' or 'Rambutt'?

Best of Rodney Dill
Butt-Closures now come in nifty Camouflage patterns.

Best of dadoctah
Today's Pinal County Sheriff's department wants to join *you*!

Best of Dr. Doom
Penn State recruiting posters have evolved over the years...

Best of Dactyl
In the later seasons of Happy Days, Richie Cunningham and Ralph Malph are drafted and slated for a tour in Vietnam. Richie tried to get out of it.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Todd tried his best to camouflage his sexiness from the ladies. What he didn't realize was him being a ginger already achieved that.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Nope, Phil, I can still see you. Perhaps your total lack of body hair is the problem."

Best of Submariner
Ron Weasley; Soldier of Fortune

Monday, February 20, 2012

I pity the floor


1. Ellen: "OK, now 1-2-3... MUNCH!"

2."Yes, I too have always fantasized about being a girls phys. ed. coach."

3. "Well, yes Ellen, this *is* the Missionary position, but usually, the male is on top."

4. M'Chel and friend demonstrate the proper posture for subjects upon meeting King Iwon.

5. Ellen: "I'm a chalk-faced what?"

Best of Dr. Doom
Ellen: "Ok my turn, now I will be the TSA agent you will be the naughty passenger..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
And this year's Best in Show goes to... The Klingon Targ!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
If Rosie O'Donnel tops the pyramid, I'm watching.

Best of Submariner
Just do you "push ups" and don't worry about it. The camera's are tilted 90 degrees like the old Batman show, and the chalk-faced whores that watch my show will never realize it...

Best of Cat Whisperer
And this is what my husband does every time he meets a Saudi prince.

7:45 AM
Best of metalgarth
Standard M'Chel caption #1:
"Let the wookie win the push up contest"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
On today's show, Ellen introduces 'Chel to a legal hallucinogen
OMG, you're right, we ARE keeping the floor from tipping over. I gotta get O to lick that toad. wheeee

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Stay tuned for the episode of Ellen the censors were too dumbfounded to bleep
Then she grabbed me by my ankles, lifted me up and slammed her strap on as deep as possible over and over until I cried "Armageddon!" That's our safe word

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Michelle: "This is to be added to my wardrobe... NOW!"

Best of Mr Hankey
Thank you sir may I have another!!

Best of Spin
A photographic hint that Portia and Barry might both be 'Bottoms'

Best of Submariner
So; there was this one time at Black Pantherette camp...

Derp, I say, Derp



1. And one day, the SCOAMF was daydreaming about complete Marxist takeover of the economy and his face froze.

2.With his approval numbers up, the president confidently goes around showing his 'O' face to the public.

3. She: "Between your breath and that grin, I think I now exactly what you've been eating, Mr. President."

4. She: "Am I grateful that my insurance now has to pay for my contraception? Whose money do you think they're using, you frakking moron?"

5. She: "Yes, it is wonderful that employers now have to pay for my contraceptives. Now, if only I could find a job in your sh-tty economy."

Best of blue
..and the kid in the white shirt demonstrates his opinion of Obama.

Inspired by Oiao
Obumma: "For mynext impression, Jeremy Lin."

Best of Double the U
...She got paid for Pepsi and spent the money on coke... ha-ha-ha Bobbi Kristina, that should have them laughing.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Why am I suddenly getting the Horseshack laugh from "Welcome Back, Kotter" in my head?

Best of Submariner
♪ Who is the man who would screw his country for Islam?♪
♫ Barack!♫
Right on.

Best of mpur
Me tax you long time!

Best of Mr Hankey
Obama's crack team of air guitar players follow him around on the campaign trail.

Best of Steve O
I have to say that Gilbert Gotfried is getting a LOT better at his impressions!

Best of Passionate Conservative
"I just farted."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Toldya if ya kept playin' Air Guitar' your face would stick like that."

Best of Jack Reacher
Kid: "Psst! Wanna buy a term paper?"

Best of Steve O
Does that little kid looks like he's pulling an invisible string attached to the POTUSballs?

Best of dadoctah
"Sweet *JESUS*, lady, your hands are cold!"

Friday, February 17, 2012

A Low, Hanging Softball for Your Friday Apres-Midi


Best of blue
"Nice couch, whoops - sorry Mrs Obama

Best of dadoctah
"Sorry about the shirt, Mrs O, but they made me ditch the one that said 'No fat chicks'."

Best of prince of leaves
"I've always adored your music, Ms. Houston!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"Now use your disguise to get as far into the crowd as you can", instructed the first Lady, "And don't forget to shout Allahu Ackbar BEFORE you detonate the underwear!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Would somebody get this walking carpet out of my wa... oh, sorry, Mrs. Obama."

Best of Submariner
M'Chelle; "That's not how you give a 'Donkey Punch' you chalk-faced dweeb."

Best of Spin
The elderly are very confused when offered the Obama fist bump.

Best of Submariner
Buh-bye,
Buh-bye,
Security, we're gettin off the plane, can we get an escort through the terminal? Bub-bye!

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Congratulations on your decision to become a Bottom, Barry is waiting for you."

OK, I'm Sorry About the Last Picture


.... And then a horde of tiny people invaded her cooter.

The Magnificent Bears of Wal-Mart

Schneider

1. After getting lost in the Auto Parts Department for two hours, Earl was forced to eat his two shopping companions to survive.

2. "Excuse me, Miss, where can I find a product that will get massive skid marks out of a pair of 56-W tidy whiteys?"

3. Earl was later busted for shoplifting six cases of Bud in his fat folds.

4. The hair and stache say "70's Porn Star" the waistline and tattoos say, "Hardcore Gay Fetish Porn Star."

5. From KY Jelly to Horse Harnesses, Walmart is one-stop shopping for all your manwhore needs.

Best of dadoctah
It's a little late in the season, but the Republicans may have finally found someone who can win this election.

Best of prince of leaves
Earl got down to his collarbones before having to run out for a replacement groomer.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hey Bobby Lee", shouted Bubba, "The family size pack of butt closures is on sale this week!"

Best of Dactyl
Like his cousins Sasquatch and Yeti, a blurry photograph and a couple of plaster footprint casts are all the evidence we have for the existence of Leroy Johnson.

Best of Vinneh
Good to see Ron Jeremy lost a few pounds.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
♫ He ain't heavy, he's neo-normal. ♪ ♬

Best of metalgarth
Did Jack Black run out of money?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Stallone! Schwarzeneggar! As you've never seen them before!

John Lott and Brender


1. ".... good thing we snuck out of Whitney's room before the paramedics arrived."

2. "How did I get here?" said Ahnuld. "I said something nice about Rick Santorum on Facebook and a bunch of homozexuals kicked the crap out of me."

3. "Somewhere in Hollywood, an innocent girl from the Midwest is being 'harvested' so that her organs might give us life. Gawd, it's great being a celebrity."

4. "I was checked in for heroin addiction, meth addiction, cocaine addiction and nearly overdosing on Xanax... Or as my press release put it, 'Exhaustion.'"

5. "First one to get a nurse pregnant wins!"

Best of prince of leaves
The aging stars discovered to their delight that they could get a two-for-one discount on the rental crane required for their facelifts if they went in on the same day.

Best of prince of leaves
Regulations against steroids in foods meant that they couldn't be processed into soylent green after the death panel finished its work.

Best of Rodney Dill
They got along wonderfully, as even though they were both speaking English, neither could understand a word the other was saying.

Best of GregMan
"Vat, you're here for emergency zpeech t'erapy too, Zly?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
My gawd, Arnold, your face looks like it froze halfway through that Total Recall procedure.

Best of Double the U
"I got up to pee twice last night!"

Best of mpur
Damn! I woke up in a bathtub full of ice, too!

Best of dadoctah
Dr Venture noticed that the new batch of Hank and Dean clones show clear signs of mitochondrial fatigue.

Best of Submariner
Zo I told zem; "Get to de choppah!" but was too late. Mizzuhs Obalama vas already dere, waiting, grinning...

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Mirror Mirror


1. Note: Pink Triangles do not ALWAYS mean gay.

2. Suddenly, I have this intense craving for hot-crossed buns.

3. To see more, enter your credit card number. You must be over 18.

4. I just remembered I forgot to watch the Golden Globe Awards this year... and every year.

5. Ever wonder how the Mormon Tabernacle Choir dresses under those robes? Now, you know.

It Doesn't Get More Tuesday Than This


1. eHarmony really works miracles sometimes, doesn't it?

2. "Hey, you pro-Palestinian types who think Europeans shouldn't be allowed to settle on lands formerly occupied by Indigenous people... we'd like a word with you."

3.#36,437 and 36,438 on the list of things we don't want to see M'Chel wearing.

4. "Folsom Street Fair said we were too mundane."

5. Putting the "ho" in "Navajo."

Best of metalgarth
Have you seen a biker, a construction worker, a cop, and a sailor by any chance?

Best of metalgarth
Yes, we are members of the semenhole tribe! Why do you ask?

Best of Submariner
Any bets on whether there'd be a fistful of cigars in the hand of the one on the right if s/he turned around?

Best of Submariner
...and the Maitre D refused to seat them because they had no Reservation.

Thank you. Try the veal.

Best of prince of leaves
"Show me your moobs!" said the butler - Mardi Gras was a little different when you got past St. Ann Street.

Best of dadoctah
Batman and Robin: the Frontier Years.

Best of Rodney Dill
A boy named Sioux

Best of Vinneh
Bruce and Milo weren't buying the standard "Bob Evans is a family restaurant. We don't let savages eat here" line.

Best of Dr. Doom
Sign that you are not in Kansas any more - #299...

Monday, February 13, 2012

The Grammy Machine



1. When she told Grammy Security she was a cyborg from the future sent to take out Lady Ga-Ga, she got in with no problem.

2. Would I find Gwen Stefani less insufferable if she were a mutant cyborg? Sadly, no.

3. Ted Nugent's daughter looked just resplendent at the Grammies.

4. "What? No, this isn't mine. I'm holding it for Puff Daddy."

5. ORA:  David Brock always got pissy when his bodyguards borrowed his evening wear.

Best of prince of leaves
Coming this fall, a new SyFy Channel reimagined series: "The Six-Million-Dollar Bridesmaid"

Best of prince of leaves
Stepford, Connecticut was never quite the same after the town used tax incentives to lure Cyberdyne Systems to relocate to its industrial park.

Best of blue
nice rack

Best of Rodney Dill
Trigger? I don't even know her.

Best of Submariner
Yessirree, Bob! It was love at first sight for Ted Nugent.

Give Granny a Kiss


1. "Hm, Botox tastes just like spoiled chicken."

2. "Oh, Nancy, your skin is as soft as aborted fetal tissue." "Don't be silly, it *is* aborted fetal tissue."

3. "You got a little arugula in the corner of your mouth. Schlumpf! Schlumpf. Mmmm, arugula."

4. "Hey, it's good luck to kiss the re-animated corpse of Whitney Houston."

5. The SCOAMF makes a mental note to send a saddlebag to the Queen of England on her birthday.

Dopes on a Rope


1. "The capitalists sold us this rope. Guess how we intend to use it?"

2."Now tie me up, spank me, and treat me like the bitch that I am." "OK, Colbert, whatever you say." 


3. "Dammit, Colbert... give me back my boob belt!"


4. On the other end of the rope... Janet Napolitano's tampon. 


5. Yeah, Europe's on the verge of total financial collapse and Iran is on the verge of getting nukes and the Justice Department was caught red-handed running guns to Mexican drug lords, but the White House has its priorities.

Best of blue
The picture of George Washington sheds a tear....

Best of Shayne
Nobody takes my feedbag without a fight!

Best of jj
We...must....get...M'chel...out...of...the...kitchen...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
M'chel's Thawtbubble: I ain't doing no walk o'shame. After the elections, I'ma gonna fight anyone who tries to take down my curtains!
Best of Submariner
10 Quatloos on the Klingon!

Best of Rodney Dill
"My advice, let the Wookie win."

Best of Vinneh
The White House staff tied a french fry in the middle of the rope to give Michelle the advantage.

Best of Submariner
Looks like M'Chelle hooked a snack.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

And My Heart Beats So That I Can Hardly Speak...


1. I'm sorry, eHarmony, you're just going to have to do better than this.

2. Mustafa had a thing for high school jocks, Lance had a thing for smelly Middle Eastern cab drivers. Strangely enough, they *didn't* meet on the internet, but at a Foster the People concert. (Yes, they also, shared a love for really sh-tty music.)

3. "Coach, I don't care who they did it at Syracuse, we do not celebrate a win with a slow grind dance here."

4. Much of Rick Santorum's aversion to homosexuality was related to some bad experiences with his creepy high school basketball coach.

5. "Back off, coach. I like women.... Wait, you ARE a woman? That sort of makes it worse."

Best of dub
Recruiting efforts for the Penn State basketball team are going well I see.

Best of metalgarth
And I........ Will always love you!!!! (what too soon?)

Best of racerboy
"...you've had a busy day, today..."

Best of Submariner
I get it, Coach, I GET it!
You want us to play a press defense; you can stop now.

Best of sonicfrog
David wasn't sure what was more embarrassing - being held back four consecutive grades, or having to dance with his Miramonte gym teacher in order to pass the class.

Best of Vinneh
"New rule guys, any one who fouls out has to dance with Mr. Dickman."

Friday, February 10, 2012

So, what do you think of Hilldawg's "Bond Villain" Look?


Love this caption from the actual story: "Yesterday, for her meeting with the President of Georgia, Mrs Clinton was pictured with her hair worn down, in a tweed jacket with a pearl necklace and earrings." Looks like Hill and Bill were both pretty fond of "pearl necklaces."

Best of jj
...or is this the beginning of a new Apple commercial?

Best of Submariner
ORA: Is evening wear...

Best of Millertime
Cankles McBallbuster wonders why Slick Willie cheats?

Best of The Watcher
'And I vill asssssk for... FIFTEEN TREEELION DOLLARZ!'

Best of Shayne
"I VILL BREAK YOU!"

Best of Vinneh
"What type of knife blade goes with these shoes"?

Best of Jack Reacher
Philip Seymour Hoffman has moobs.

Best of Dr. Doom
The Mao look really works for Hillary. Go figure...

Hillary Psi Corps Reverences are Obligatory Threadwinners
Obligatory Hillary Caption #23: "The Corps is Mother, The Corps is Father".

Best of metalgarth
Mr. Burns' sex change operation was a smashing success, even if Smithers disapproved

Best of GregMan
The attempt to perform a sex change operation on Mini-Me went horribly wrong.

Hello, Desperate Plea For Attention


1. 2014: President Santorum's "Anti-Sodomy Space Laser System" disrupts Andrew Sullivan's annual summer picnic."

2. Ten minutes earlier, "Yeah, if this is really Mitt Romney on the phone, I'll fire a rocket out of my ass!"

3. Warning signs that the doctor you hired to remove your anal warts might not be legit.

4. Word to OWS protesters; when your body lice have evolved to form a space-faring civilization, you should probably take a shower.

5. For really hardcore gays who can't be cured by traditional aversion therapy, ass-welding is an extreme but often effective option.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Butt-closure... TO THE EXTREEEEEEME!!!

Best of Rodney Dill
Fire in the Hole!

Best of jj
The new European Missile Defense Shield after the obama defense cuts were quite rudimentary.

Best of Dr. Doom
Anyone want to wager on whether or not the words "Hold my beer and watch this", were uttered shortly before this picture was taken?

Best of Steve O
Okay, I think even Republicans can now agree that the NASA budget cuts have gone too far.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Following a Saturday night of heavy partying, Frank's frat brothers agree to help him remove an embarrassing tramp stamp.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"We're going to be lighting off fireworks and rockets out of our butts, so *of course* we're going to need helmets. Why do you ask?"

The sad thing is, is that that makes sense to somebody right now.

Best of Submariner
By the rocket's red glare...
The Fire Island Street Theatre Players' version of the national anthem was a bit unusual, to say the least.

Mittens on da Phone



1. "Is this cocksucker residence? Is this Four Two One Five Pussy Way?"

2. "Hello, Republican Voter... this is... um... Kevin... I'm with an independent polling firm and would like to ask you a few questions. Now, if you knew Rick Santorum likes to relax at the end of the day by lounging around the house in a silk teddy, would you be more or less likely to vote for him?"

3.  "Hello, Dominos, yeah, I'd like to order a large cheese pizza and sixty million dollars in attack ads to remove the latest obstacle to my inevitability.... Whoops, wrong note, I meant cheesy bread."

4. "Dittos, Rush... first time caller, long time listener. This is... um... 'Bill'... in... um, Ohio, perhaps. Yes, that will do. I just wanted say you're being a bit tough on Romney. He's very popular Rush. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude." Romney never realized his cue card writer was totally trolling him.

5. "Yes, I've been bad. Spank me!"

Best of Submariner
Newt? Mitt.
GREAT job!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

Best of Jack Reacher
"Our records indicate the warranty on your 2009 Toyota is about to expire. For a limited time, we are offering..."


Best of Dr. Doom
"Hello this is Mitt, Thanks for calling 1-DIALARINO.", answered Mr. Romney, "Can we interest you in some socialized medicine today? No? How about government funded abortions?"

Best of Double the U
Yeah I get a lot of people crying at the republican choices.

Best of metalgarth
Have you considered all the benefits of owning your own Amway franchise?

Best of Kaptain Krude
"What? Hillary? I told you to never call me while I'm at work!... Why do you want to know what I'm wearing?... You're wearing what?... Is that even physically possible?... Yes, Gaia, that is hot.... No, no, I'm hanging up now. ...No, I'm serious, I'm hanging up now. ...Because I have a lot of things to do. ...Yes, like beat Santoru... oh, ha ha, you got me on that one."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Hello, Joe's Tavern? Will you please call I. P. Daily to the phone?

Best of Submariner
ORA: "Could you please page Mike Hunt?"

Best of prince of leaves
"Thank you for calling 1-800-GOP-RINO, my name is Mitt, how may I pander to you today?"

Best of dadoctah
"Hi, this is Willard from Time-Life Books, calling to find out how satisfied you are with the 'Our Fabulous Century' series we're sending you...."

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

She Figured


1. And with that proof, Tiffany definitively demonstrated the physics of pole dancing.

2. Oops, forgot to carry the sideboob... I mean, cosine... No, wait, I mean sideboob.

3. Paul Ryan's new 'Visual Aid' was highly effective at selling his deficit reduction plan.

4. Isn't this way better than Bart Simpson lamely scribbling some quickly-outdated pop-culture reference?

5."So, if Obama is re-elected, my portion of the national debt will be greater than the entire Gross National Product of Uruguay."


Best of dadoctah
Step 3: Profit!

Best of jj
The local Mensa meetings got much more interesting with the introduction of strip-calculus.

Best of Dactyl
A woman doing mathematics? How delightfully preposterous!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Some young Republicans may look spectacular, but they're obviously no better at explaining their ideas to the public.

Best of Submariner
Giselle proves why the loss wasn't Tom's fault.

Best of Dr. Doom
St. Bartholomew School for Boys seventh grade teacher, Miss Johnson, was voted teacher of the year for the sixth year running - even though every single student failed her class... again.

Best of VInneh
"Hey Alison, if you can't figure it out, just show us your tits."

The Cow on the Couch

Shayne


1. "Do I make you horny, baby?"

2.With that face, I don't think 'bovine' so much as 'canine.'

3. Good news. If you noticed the vase of tiny sunflowers, you're not gay.

4. "Why buy the cow when you can... oh, Hell, in this case why buy the cow?"

5. "Mom, why do you have to embarrass me in front of the whole wrestling team?"

Best of metalgarth
Go ahead, she likes it in the Angus

Best of sonicfrog
Becky always said the memories of her time at Miramonte Elementary School were udderly disturbing, but I never quite knew what she meant until now.

Best of mpur
I can't figure out if she's supposed to be a cow or a dog who got into the bubble gum.

Best of Submariner
Dear Borden,
I don't like your new, updated Spokes-cow. Please bring back Bessie.
Thank you.

Best of Steve O
It's a shame that such a "good-to-go attitude" was wasted on such a good-God-please-just-go chick.

Best of Vinneh
It was the 4th quarter, the Cowboys were down by 14 points and the Cowboy's cheerleaders were trying everything to get the growd into the game.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
As adults, Stan felt Wendy was far too proud to be an alumni of the South Park Elementary Cows.

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Go!

Ace


Best of Shayne
Damn, we just missed Mooch's ass. One more time try, Ok, Carney?

Best of jimmy
Obama was understandably shocked when Jay Carney 'took down' a drunken, partially-clothed Helen Thomas as she heckled him from the balcony during the SOTU.

Best of JohnS1959
"You see son if you want to blast an economy, you have to lead it", said Mr. Obama as he pulled the trigger, "Another hit! "It never fails..."

Best of prince of leaves
"Back it on up! A little more!" Each year, one lucky kid was chosen at random from a White House tour group for the honer of administering M'Chel's annual rabies vaccination.

Best of dadoctah
"Alright, who the hell designated Ed Begley Jr as a defense contractor?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Shortly after this photo hit the front page of the Washington Post, the Wax Museum board unanimously agreed on the pose they'd use for Obamalama's figure.

Best of metalgarth
This'll keep the Germans from bombing Pearl Harbor again!

Best of c
Johnny demonstrated his science fair project, a home made penis pump, on the president.

Best of mpur
"Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!"

Best of Dactyl
Oh crap! Old Lady Pelosi's window!! RUN FOR IT!!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"SCOAMF? Hey kid, what kind of noise is SCOAMF for a potato gun to be making?"

Best of Submariner
I think this thing is only making Newt mad, kid...

Fish!


1. Kindergarten Sex Ed Lesson 1: "The Lesbian Experience."

2. Because of an otherwise adorable childhood misunderstanding about the word "Codpiece"  Billy was never allowed in the fish market again.

3. WKRP had the worst swag table at the entire radio convention.

4. "Wow!" said Billy. "Whoever caught all these fish must be a master baiter."

5. "Yeah, I suppose we could be in class learning math, science, and computer skills, but I am sure this field trip to gain cultural understanding of the diverse Portuguese fishing community will prepare us to compete in the global skills marketplace."

Best of Rodney Dill
Lutefisk, ya der hey.

Best of dadoctah
You think it's bad *here*, you should see what the school lunch program stuck the vegan kids with.

Best of Jack Reacher
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him to fish, feed him for a lifetime. Offer a limited selection of half-rancid fish at an inconvenient location, and prepare him for government bureaucracy.

Best of curly
Thank you, Tommy and Cindy. Does anyone else have a definition of "red herring" that doesn't involve the Obama Administration?

Best of dadoctah
ORA: "Well, I'm mayor of this town and I say it was jut a boating accident."

Best of Dr. Doom
In the interest of international diplomacy, local poor kids are allowed to sniff the food before it is prepared for the First Lady's 300 person entourage on their latest vacat- er good will tour to the French Riviera...

Best of mpur
Ever get that 'not so fresh' feeling?

Best of Submariner
...and thus, little Ellen deGeneris' path through life was set at the Pike Place Market.

Monday, February 06, 2012

Grinning in a Volt


1. Little did the public know of Bammy's fondness for acting out the video to Alanis Morrissette's "Ironic."

2. "Oops, my bad. Let's drive over to Tarantino's place in the Valley and call Harvey Keitel to clean this mess up."

3. The Little Old Lady from Pasadena ain't got nothin' on the Community Organizer from Nairobi.

4. "Paddidle!"

5."That's. Not. A. Stickshift."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Aw you're killing me, but okay... this baby, as is, just $1.6 trillion! Whaddya say, do we have a deal?"

Best of Rodney Dill
The new Chevy Dolt

Best of Double the U
Barry, Barry, Barry... the passenger is the one that is suppose to lean over and pleasure you while you drive.

Best of dadoctah
You gonna let those hamsters in the Kia Soul get away with that? Floor it!

Best of Jack Reacher
"How YOU doin'?"

Best of GregMan
"You know, I lost my virginity in a car just this color. Frank Marshall Davis used to own it."

Best of jj
Barry, "We'd better get the hell out of here...I took the battery out of M'chelle's vibrator."

Best of Vinneh
"Barry, I don't care how new it is, it's a hoopdee"!

Best of Whacko
"So I just show up at a factory and a few weeks later it goes tits up. And that's how I'm destroying Amerikka one industry at a time. I know, its a gift."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Las Vegas? Ha! We're goin' to Livonia."

Rand Paul Presses the Meat

Doug Strait

1. "All Right, Alien Fembots. I surrender. You may begin your probing."

2. Rand Paul has a terrifying flashback to his TSA detention. 

3. Rather than take questions, Senator Paul launched into a soulful rendition of "Lady" by Styx.

4. "Geez, look at the size of those long black things. I feel like Andrew Sullivan in a Harlem Bathhouse."

5. "You would not believe how often the line 'My dad's a congressman and he wants to legalize pot' got me laid in college."

Best of blue
OK, OK, I'll demonstrate what "watertight" means!


Best of Rodney Dill
TSA agents employ the use of cattle prods on recalcitrant Rand Paul.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I just asked for clarification--is it the White Zone or Red Zone which does not allow parking?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"You'd yell at kids to get off your lawn, too, if you had 1400 Kruggerands buried under it."

Best of metalgarth
PULL OUR AUTOMATED FINGER DEVICES

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Please be patient, he'll be out as soon as he's done regluing an eyebrow.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Good God, put those things away! Don't you know that Gavin Newsome is around here someplace?"

Who Said She's Angry?


1. "That g'agH is barely moving. Rip out the cook's heart at once!"

2."Well, no, Mrs. Obama, I don't know who the f-ck ate all the mother-f-ckin' french fries."

3. Ever since appearing on Ellen DeGeneres, the smell of fish sticks makes M'Chel queasy.

4. "Tater Tots are 'The White Man's French Fries?' Wow! I learn something new every Black History Month."

5.  "OMG" thought little Selina. "She really does have the fashion sense of a color-blind lesbian lumberjack."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Don't butt in line? Kid, I'm not butting in line, the line always forms behind ME. Get in line and STFU.

Best of Rodney Dill
"...but Monday is always Haggis day."

Threadwinner of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Yes Ma'am, the school cafeteria line is merely a series of items nobody wants but from which we are forced to choose. Kind of like your husband's failed administration."

Best of Double the U
Yes Mrs Obama, this what we little people eat. It wasn't until she turned fifteen did Isabella realize "little people" didn't mean children.

Best of metalgarth
Whaddya mean by "they ain't got no eatin' shovels here"

Best of curly
M’chell teaches the 3 R’s: Racism, Reparations, and Ramadan.

Best of Censors Hip
"What? No $81 Kobe beef?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"The warming trays are powered by Solyndra, Ma'am. So the food won't be, well, warm."

Best of Whacko
The poor child didn't realize until too late that the worst place to stand was between the Bitter Half and her food supply.

Best of jimmy
"Mrs. Obama, when I grow up I want to have huge man-hands like yours!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Don't make me constipated... You won't like me when I constipated.

Sunday, February 05, 2012

And Again



Best of Rodney Dill
Don't make me constipated... You won't like me when I constipated.

Best of dadoctah
Gamma radiation is really binding....

Best of Rodney Dill
The Hulk faces (so to speak) his nemesis, Butt-Closure Man

Best of Dactyl
Hulk really hate it when laxative kick in.

Best of prince of leaves
Gamma-rhoids. 'Nuff said.

Best of curly
It doesn’t take a Ph.D in psychology to analyze Sharon Crowe’s recurring nightmare.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Hulk's first experience with a bidet went...poorly.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Hulk HATES low flow toilets!!!

Best of GregMan
"HULK WIPE!"

Saturday, February 04, 2012

No Caption, Just This...

Adrian Beaky... No-o-o--o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

H/T: Batman


1. Ozzy Osborne: "You gonna eat that?"

2. "I wonder if this would fit up my ass?"

3. ORA: Mike Tyson's next scandal happened as a result of hanging out with Tom Lehrer

4. Versace: "OK, let's go with this shot, and not the shot of a shirtless Michael Stipe holding a crow."

5. "No!" Sullivan fumed. "I did not want to see a picture of a black stud holding his big cockatoo!"

Best of Double the U
Damn, where da hell da ears on dis thang?

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Bird, we moving to Enumclaw!!

Best of metalgarth
mmmm... Fresh all white meat McNugget.

Best of prince of leaves
Nice ORA San Angeles CryoPrison, 2033: a revived Mike Tyson discovers a newfound affection for cute little animals.

Best of Dactyl
What's that little bird? Facial tattoos are going to be the next big thing? I'll be rich and popular again if I get one? Well, okay, but only because you told me...

Best of curly
M’Chell Obama’s appearance on iCurly became an unintentional homo-erotic hit.

Friday, February 03, 2012

All Tied Up


1. Rules against touching the performers during lap dances will be strictly enforced.

2. "OK, Fine, you can tell me about Ron Paul."

3."All right, we may now begin negotiating my alimony."

4. Honestly, I don't see how you can say this is demeaning... she's the one holding the whip.

5. "Look, just untie me so I can get to the 'Best ofs,' all right?"

Best of HLam
Don't forget, our Safe Word is "supercalafragalisticexpealadocious"

Best of jj
Courts in Southern California have reverted to "Upgraded Restraining Orders" when dealing with Charlie Sheen.

Best of jj
Feeding FLOTUS like this takes all the fun out of the hunt. Sorta like the goat in Jurassic Park...

Best of prince of leaves
"I always wondered what this room was for," Shepherd told the Ancient pr0nogram. "Just don't tell Rodney or we'll never pry him out of here."

Best of Shayne
"Congressmen Frank will see you now."

Best of JohnS1959
Actually this is a pretty good metaphor for the Obama economic plan. It looks like it would be fun at first, but the next thing you know, the only people who can create jobs in the country are tied up and punished...

Threadwinner Submariner
I.See.TWO.Boobs...

Best of Dactyl
In the unaired final episode of the X-Files, Mulder and Scully express their true feelings for one another. Turns out they're both a little kinky.

Best of curly
"Jeopardy!" certainly has gotten edgy since Alex retired.


Best of curly
“…and if you sell just 20 boxes of soap, Amway will make you a certified diamond master regional sales director.”

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
When we get bored, we play a game called Prisoner Arcade. This is an ejection seat. Way up there is a tiny skylight. I'm top scorer with 6 holes in one.

Best of Vinneh
Gisele B√ľndchen punishes Wes Welker for dropping Tom Brady's pass.