Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Leg and a Leg and a Leg

Double the U


1. "Dude! That part of me was not open!"

2. "Orange you glad I'm wearing a butt closure?"

3. I know it's probably racist, but, I keep thinking those chocolate oranges I used to get in my Christmas stocking.

4. "... and then the foreman of industrial drill factory says, "Auger? I don't even know her!"

5. 'After the game, we're all going to bang Sarah Palin."

Is This the Sort of Thing You Like?

I'm kinda not feelin' gay Tuesday, but this angry looking fellow seems to be acceptable eye candy. The fellow on the left checking him out seems to agree.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Well, You Can Just Rock Me to Sleep Tonight



1. Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam!

2. Ia! Ia! Cthulu F'taghn!

3. Unlike Bush 41, M'Chel did a fabulous Jolson!

4. "Kobe, I'm open... and you don't want to make me angry! Also... Jazz Hands!"

5. "Each bracelet is from an enemy I have slain in battle. Do you wish to be next, p'taGh!"

Best of Oiao?
See, no more money, I spent it awl. (ATDHE)

Best of blue
"Now watch -- without using my hands I will mount the double penetration Sybian...."

Best of prince of leaves
Okay, I knew about the mutton-leg arms, the giant caboose, and the horse teeth, but nobody told me she had teeny little hands like the aliens in "Close Encounters"!

Best of Submariner
Slowly I turned...

Best of Dr. Doom
"And that is why I prefer basketball players", related the First Lady with a wink.

Best of Submariner
Five,
Five Trillion,
Five trillion Bailout!

Two RINOs and a SCOAMF


1. Everything was going fine until Bush the Elder reprised his Al Jolson tribute from the Skull and Bones Minstrel Show.

2.Bush the Elder established an instant rapport with the SCOAMF through their shared love of  Big Asses.

3. "No, 44, I don't know what a 'butt closure' is, but I bet Jeb does."

4. "Does Joe Biden always walk around here in his underwear, or is that just for us?"

5. "We were told there would be beer."

Best of curly
“Kenya get me a glass of water?...Get it?...KENYA!...Ha!”

Best of jj
Obama, "We're safe in here. M'Chelle's feeding time isn't for another hour and the kitchen is on the other side of the White House. Still, stay out of the hallways for now."

Threadwinner: dadoctah
Welcome to the season premiere of "Two and a Half White Men".

Best of Vinneh
"Hey Barry. Wanna change my diaper"?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Well, come on boy, it's in your blood.. ♫ ♩ "Hey hey, Uncle Dud, It's a treat to beat you feet on the Mississippi mud" ♬ ♪

Best of Steve O
In all these pictures, why is there the same one dude with his legs crossed like a girl?

Best of Jack Reacher
"...well, long story short, we've made what you might call a recess appointment. Jeb's in, you're out. Pack up."

Best of Submariner
Today's episode of Sesame Street is brought to you by the letters H and W and the number 0.

Best ofOiao
H W Bush: "Do you think you can Pimp my ride?"

Sunday, January 29, 2012

What Liberal Fascism Looks Like



1. Democrats find ways to amuse themselves in the absence of a primary contest.

2. And another staff meeting at MSNBC comes to order.

3. Don't question their patriotism.

4. Time Magazine's 2008 and 2011 Person of the Year winners celebrated exactly the same way.

5. People's Microphone Goes Horribly Awry:

We are burning this flag
We are burning this flag
To protest the inequality
To protest the inequality
Of the capitalist... oh, shit the lighter fluid caught my pants on fire!
Of the capitalist... oh, shit the lighter fluid caught my pants on fire!

Arrrrgh! Arrgh! I'm on fire! I'm on fire!

Arrrrgh! Arrgh! I'm on fire! I'm on fire!
Help me, you frakking idiots, help me!

Help me, you frakking idiots, help me! ...

Saturday, January 28, 2012

What Use Is a Banana Without a Condom?

Racerboy and later Sonic Frog


Best of sonicfrog
Andrew Sullivan's version of the glass slipper!

Best of Oiao
Check out the lung capacity on the blond in the middle! I'll bet ya she can also suck a golf ball through a ......

Best of whacko
But what happened to the reservoir tip and pleasure ribs?

Best of Rodney Dill
"No, I don't think Nitrous Oxide use is out of control with our young today."

Best of jj
Obama replaces the Greek columns for his next acceptance speech. He figures since he's screwing the country, he might as well as use protection.

Best of Vinneh
Harry was so full of it yelling, "Go ahead guys use them, they're too tight on me."

Best of curly
"The Jolly Green Giant’s gonna be pissed when he discovers we took all of his condoms."

Best of metalgarth
you'll need of these if you're using the world's largest inflatable cowboy

Best of Steve O
For $870,000 -- saving or creating five jobs.

The Cure for Heterosexuality



1. The only legitimate caption for this is "Oh, Good Gracious Merciful God, No!"

2. Barney Frank prepares for his nuptials.

3. After finding this image, Andrew Sullivan stopped doing Google searches entirely.

4. Didn't you used to hate it when you brought friends over and your mom would openly flirt with them?

5. "She's supporting Gingrich." - The Romney Super-PAC reaches a new low in attack advertising.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
WOW, I never thought her fugliness could get any worse, but Mimi sure has let herself go!

Best of Dactyl
You uh, you went a little heavy on the eye makeup, Dad.

Best of Submariner
Tammy Faye practises to make Jim happy when he gets out...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
TimeLife reports the discovery of a new, giant species of primate in an equatorial rainforest. Prof. Herman Glinksmelter writes, "The female's manhands suggest these are not tree dwellers, while the skin and hair around her eyes indicates she's part of the world's oldest profession. We're naming this: Gorilla charliesheenus"

Best of Rodney Dill
"OK, Just where the f*ck is Dian Fossey?"

Best of sonicfrog
I don't care what you say, she was still better than watching the SOTU address!

Best of jj
It has been rumored that Charlie Sheen has finally gotten clean and sober when he woke up after a night of booze, coke, and....

Best of VInneh
You can put lipstick on a gorilla,...

Best of Dr. Doom
The Obama economy (after application of lipstick)...

Best of jj
From her eHarmony.com profile...vivacious, adventitious female seeks male for a night of unbridled passion... "Unbridled" being the operative word, there.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
It turned my stomach to look at this photo again, but I was wondering... can a banana scream?

Best of curly
Soundly defeated by The Force, Jabba the Hutt moved to San Francisco and opened a deli.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Does This Even Need a Caption?


Best of Rodney Dill
Bend over America.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Auger? I don't even know her."

Best of Army of Dad
Thought bubble: How the hell am I supposed to snort a line of coke off of that!?

Best of dadoctah
ORA: "That's not a drill. *This* is a drill."

Best of Submariner
I heard M'Chel had a yeast infection, so...

Best of double the u
...and that is how we start the process of converting people into Soylent Green.

Best of Artfldgr
Isnt she beautiful? Raul over there will take you behind the curtain and show you how we use it..

Best of Dr. Doom
"Yes sir, it is called the wealth distributor", said the minion, "And with this new version it is no longer necessary for the taxpayer to bend over"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
AP White House update: Universal Healthcare to cover one form of headache relief treatment... Trepanning

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes Sir, Aliens live among us and they definitely are interested in anal probes."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Damned if I know why 'Chel wants it. Maybe it's a pendant for one of her necklaces?

Best of jj
So how many of these do we need to get all that botox out of Pelosi?

Best of VInneh
"Sir, this is like a Dremel compared to the screwing you're giving us."

SCOAMF Bitch-Slapped


1. "You wanna go, skinny? I will drop you like Barney Frank's pants in a Fire Island men's room."

2. Governor Brewer gives the American Sign Language gesture for 'Stuttering Clusterfark of a Miserable Failure.'"

3. "One more word out of you, young man, and I'll take your fake birth certificate and shove it so far up your smug skinny ass that you choke on it, you Kenyan Marxist bastard."

4. Most Americans were shocked.... SHOCKED... that Governor Brewer would use the wrong finger in expressing her opinion to the president.

5. "You know, Hussein, I really don't have time for this sh-t. You hit the golf course, some of us have work to do."

Best of Double the U
And you promised you would call me right after you left your wife.

Best of dadoctah
"I'll get you, my pretty! And your little Portuguese waterdog too!"

Best of GregMan
"That Klingon wife of yours just unhinged her jaw and ate three of my security detail!"
Best of Jack Reacher
"For the last time, I. Do. Not. Want. Any. Term. Papers."

Best of dadoctah
Someone should really explain to Miss Daisy that not every colored man she meets is her driver.

Best of Dactyl
Pull it!! PULL IIIITT!!!!!

Best of Vinneh
"Oh, yeah! I'll shove your immigration policy up your ass faster than Rahm Emmanuel's dick in a gay bath house."

Best of curly
“Your ‘doggie’ hand shadow puppet was quite good, Governor, but wait until you see my ‘flying swan’ hand shadow puppet.”

Mr and Mr Barney Fag



1. "We met while lurking in the bushes at the same elementary school."

2."Excuse us, we'll be in the bat cave for the next three minutes. Wait, that's not the stinger any more? Oh, never mind then."

3. "No, you opwessive theocwatic pwude. We will not pull our pants up!"

4. "Where's the dog," wondered Rick Santorum. "Oh, wait, there in the background. I see it."

5. "By the way, have you heard about Ron Paul?"

Best of Army of Dad
Why are they smiling, could be the 10 year old conjoined twin boys they got as a wedding present.

Best of Artfldgr
Brings new meaning, and makes redundant the term "Bumping Uglies"

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Perspective

Random Brigade Filler


1. Lindsey Lohan violates her probation again.

2. "All right, good test run. Now, let's run over some OWS hippies."

3. Ah, finally a vehicle suitable to the rigors of commuting in Detroit, Oakland, or Baltimore.

4. "Oh, Toonces, you incorrigible feline!"

5. The Most Interesting Man in the World Says, "I don't often commit DUI's, but when I do, I use an armored personnel carrier."

Best of Rodney Dill
Rick Santorum demonstrates parallel parking.... on Newt's car.

Best of Rodney Dill
Even Ralph Nader concurred, it was safe at any speed.

Best of Mephiis
Mitt remembered the funny helmet and the bunny suit of previous candidates and declared No Thanks.

Best of Rodney Dill
Newt Gingrich arrives at the next GOP debate.

Best of jj
THE LIONS MADE THE PLAYOFFS.....THE LIONS MADE THE PLAYOFFS....THE LIONS MADE THE PLAYOFFS! What? They already lost???

Best of JohnS1959
A perfect metaphor for Newt's handling of the press...

Best of Jack Reacher
Stop! Stop! That car is full of valuable term papers!

Best of Dactyl
Okay, I'll take a grande double mocha macchiato with an extra shot and a dash of vanilla, but no whipped cream. And make it fast, willya? I'm double parked.

Best of VInneh
Sometimes General Patton could be a real asshole.

And Now, Chris Matthews with a Special Commentary on Obama's SOTU Address

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Care to Explain This?

Schneider


1. "Eek! A Republican! Save me, Bruce!"

2. "So, what do you say, Congressman Frank? Can we get a mortgage or not?"

3. 49'ers Cheerleaders relax after the end of a long season.

4. "Hey, Michael Phelps, don't bogart that sh-t!"

5. "Ewww! No! Don't put me down! My skin will get all wrinkly."

Best of jj
Prospective freshmen for Penn State do a little....um... relaxing around Jerry's pool.

Best of Whacko
"Hey everyone! Let's all go shopping in my new Prius."

Best of BananaRepublican
Army of Mom's pool parties are never boring.

Best of Army of Mom
Oddly enough, I'd like to have that guy on my back, too.

Best of Dactyl
He may not look like much but he'll make point-five past light speed.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Well, he is a bit heavy", replied Bruce, "But the little black kid they gave me was a girl, ewww!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ted dared the lifeguard who was yelling "No Food In The Pool!!" to confiscate the other half of his Subway sandwich.

Best of Passionate Conservative
'ow to speak Oztralian: "Queah"

ORA Best of Kaptain Krude
"I'm confused, I thought you said I could help you and your Uncle Jack off his horse?"

Best of Submariner
ORA: I, I think it's a, a, Baby Ruth...

Best of prince of leaves
It was all fun and games until the WASP-only pool association discovered Jerry was Jewish.

Priuses Now 40% Gheyer



Best of Army of Dad
ORA: Ace and Gary get a new ride when SNL brings back the Ambiguously Gay Duo.

Best of Rodney Dill
Natural predator to the Volvo

Best of curly
“With interior front and side airbags and an external teabag in the back, the new 2012 Prius is the safest hybrid on the market.”

Best of Rodney Dill
..and this little baby only takes 10,000 D-Cells.

Best of Steve O
It's a battery operated device. We get it. It's for women and gay men. Yes, we know.
Remember when advertising was more subtle?

Best of Dactyl
She may not look like much but she'll make point-five past light speed.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
MotorTrend magazine nicknamed it "The Boner"

Best of Passionate Conservative
Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven! Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh. It was like a bird of rarest-spun heaven metal or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now. As I slooshied, I knew such lovely pictures!

Best of Matt the K
What hump???

Best of Matt the K
In and ill-advised move, Toyota Motors partners with Ford to market the Prius Probe?

Best of Spin
Enzyte™ finally buys Bob a company car.

Best of Submariner
Nothin' ta be seein' here; jist a Folsom Street Fair Float. Please ta me movin' along, now...

Monday, January 23, 2012

Press Button to Start Air Flow

Schneider


1. 'Ow to speak Orstralian: "Wind Instrument."

2."Just a little more, just get your heads right up inside there and you'll be ready to re-elect Obama."

3. "And when you finish with this auto-cunnilingus course, you will never need a man again."

4. Michael Chiklis had a sexual addiction every bit as bad as Charlie Sheen's but nobody cared.

5. "OK, well, that should wrap up remedial Muslim prayer class for this week."

Best of Army of Dad
With their TSA rub down screening finished the ladies get ready to fit themselves into the new coach class.

Best of Army of Dad
Taking a cue from the dog training world, the catholic church tries rubbing their noses in it to stop masturbation.

Best of curly
French Special Forces women learn the proper way to surrender.

Best of rodney dill
"...and you can put your research papers where the sun don't ever shine."

Best of Capt. Queeg
Butt Closures. UR DOIN IT WRONG.

Best of jj
Rescued former obama supporters are taught the proper way to remove their heads from their asses.

Best of Steve O
Something tells me you can stay after PE class for extra credit

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Famed Wilderness Expert Sam Dinsmore teaches a group of young Liberal Arts majors how to survive a bear attack: Okay, class... now the trick is to roll up in a tight ball and let me, um, the bear fondle and caress your hiney without farting.

Best of Submariner
State Department Intern Training prided itself on its 73% voluntary dropout rate...

A Metaphor for the GOP Establishment and Newt.

From Al


And here's another metaphor for the GOP Establishment responding to Newt's win
. (Language warnin') (Nice little cameo by Newt at the end).(Oh, wait, I can embed that below the break.I'll do that, too.)

Anybody got any good pictures of Bammy, Mittens, Newt, RuPaul, Debbie Gynecological-Procedure, or some other idiot politician? I got nothin' E-mail meh... or I'll post picture of scantily clad women with slight belly rolls.

Best of Jack Reacher
I see the guys in the ABC van couldn't resist another "open marriage" question.

Best of curly
“Who you callin’ angry black woman, bitch?”

Best of Submariner
NEVER.GET.BETWEEN.MICHAEL.MOORE.AND.THE.BUFFET.TABLE...

Best of JohnS1959
I bet that is the last time Mitt calls Newt a RINO...

Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: Uh-oh, looks like Stampy has been let out of the refuge.

Best of Rodney Dill
Mourning Joe Paterno's passing took various forms.



Sunday, January 22, 2012

Legalize Santorum


Spot the Ron Paul Supporter, easiest round evah!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

I Dunno What to Do with This...

But he really looks like raw ass, doesn't he?


Best of Passionate Conservative
Somewhere, in a closet in a secure location, a portrait of a man degenerates and ages...

Best of prince of leaves
August 23, 2088: "And so, with the Surgeon General having exhausted the last antigeria options for prolonging my lifetime presidency, I have nobly decided to spare you all the pain and emptiness of struggling on without me by activating the molecular disruptor device I've had buried deep within the Earth's core..."

Best of jj
"Get that imperialistic symbol of oppression out from behind me and put my halo back....or someone will find out what FEMA can really do!"

Best of GregMan
Man, Obambi sure looks like a spook... I mean ghost! Ghost!

Rework of GregMan
Man, Apophos sure doesn't look good...

Best of Justin Credible
Makes me think he found Boehner's bottle of tan goop.

Best of Dr. Doom
Boy all of that golf and vacationing really takes its toll on a guy doesn't it?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Obamalama Fogbubble: Man, am I baked.

Best of Capt. Queeg
COLORFUL MEALS BEGIN WITH BEN™

Best of Rodney Dill
The cake is lie

Wholesome Outdoor Fun Stuff, Yea!




1. The kids from the School for the Deaf were having a great time and never even heard the snowplow that ended their lives.

2. Rick's levitation powers were absitively no use in a snowball fight, but he liked to show off anyway.

3. Guy on the left, "Look at me, I'm the ghey kitteh from Tuesday! 'Fame! I'm gonna live forev-uh!'"

4. "You know, we could play a great game of street hockey now... if we all weren't gay."

5. "Chuck, please... it's two in the morning and we're freezing our balls off. Can we practice the choreography from West Side Story some other time?"

Best of sonicfrog
You know, there was a time when feuds meant something - Hatfeilds versus McCoys, Montagues and Capulets, Raiders versus Chargers fans... But man, the Hanson versus Jonas Brothers tiff just leaves so much to be desired!

Threadwinner: Jack Reacher
"Yes you're a Jet, Steve, but you're not a Jet all the way."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Photo taken moments before the illegal street racers plowed through the merry band at 153mph. Witnesses said the carnage reminded them of a game of Elf Bowling. [how many remember the headless elf @ 2m12s?]

Best of jj
Montreal Police were beginning to be concerned about the newest outlaw bike club, the "Heavens Kittens". Until they realized that they didn't have colors....or even motorcycles...

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Playing outside; that's what we would've had to do with our spare time if SOPA had been passed!

Best of curly
Helium Boy appears from nowhere to brake up a snowball fight.

Best of curly
Johnny didn’t really mind his schizophrenia so much, but he did wish his apparition was more manly.

Best of Rodney Dill
There can be only one.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Peek A Boo

Shayne


1. George couldn't believe the Co-Op Board had let *another* giraffe move into the building. "This f--king place is going to hell," he muttered.

2. Suddenly, all the acacia leaves and Pabst Blue Ribbon bottles littering the hallway made sense.  Hipster Giraffe's were moving into the building.

3. There was enough left in the Toys R Us trust fund to assure Geoffrey a midtown loft and plenty of cocaine and whores.

4. As trendy man-on-beast combinations grew ever more exotic, America was forced to concede that Rick Santorum had been right all along.

5. All George knew was, the next day, the giraffe was gone, and the "Moo Shu Pork" at Great Wall tasted a little gamey for the next month.

SCOAMF in Wonderland

Weasel Zips via Al 


1. "I think you will all... um... agree that the new... um... White House... is more ... um... suitable to... um... Me and Queen M'Chel."

2. "Every Queen needs a castle... I mean king... king! I'm not gay!"

3. The SCOAMF laments the jobs lost to animatronic robots in the Hall of Presidents.

4. M-I-C... See you in the unemployment line... K-E-Y... Why? Because the media told us we were racists if we didn't vote for the dumbass... S-C-O-A-M-F.

5. It was a busy day for the president, bowing to Prince Charming, bowing to Princess Ariel, bowing to the Wicked Queen from Snow White, bowing to Mufasa, bowing to Jafar...

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"wait, wait - I thought I was to Occupy a Fairy's Tail, not a Fairy Tale.....

Best of Censors Hip
"Mr President, where are are the little people who saved for years & years to visit Disneyland today?"
"Who cares!"

Best of JohnS1959
Announcer: "Mr. Obama, you have just ruined the economy. What will you do next?"
President: "I'm going to Disney World!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Agent Harris, shoot that damned rat scurrying across my podium again! Kill it NOW!
That was Mickey? Ooops, sorry kids.
You can pardon yourself later.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Uh.... Mr. President. Michelle's butt got stuck in a teacup again."

Best of BananaRepublican
When you wish upon a Czar...

Best of Jack Reacher
"In exchange for giving them Disney World, the Taliban have agreed to make the first Wednesday of each month uncovered-wrist day for women. Ah, that is, in the women's side of the park."

Best of curly
Teleprompter Teleprompter on the mall
Who’s the biggest commie of them all?

Best of Dr. Doom
In other news, a major disaster has occurred resulting in an epic capsizing. The event was caused by a combination of reckless actions, incompetent leadership, unmitigated cowardice and raging denial. Officials indicate it will take years to right the economy...

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Yay!

Brender


1. Hillary's transformation into a Bond-Supervillain with her own cadre of bikini-clad, martial arts bodyguards surprised no one.

2. Preparing for the Superbowl Half-Time show, the Synchronized Sinead's Swim Team.

3. Kobe smiled. "Finally!"

4. Their spaceship landed, they emerged, and tried to make contact with humans in the language of interpretive dance.

5. Mitt Romney's secret Florida strategery: Fembots!

Best of prince of leaves
Solar powered fembots: yet another Obama "green" initiative that didn't work out so hot.

Best of Submariner
The "Axe Effect" expected by your typical 14 year old male as he buys his first container...

Best of dadoctah
"We have come to your planet to pay tribute to your great leader. Take us to Robert Palmer!"

Best of GregMan
I see the French Water Volleyball Team is practicing surrendering to the Germans again.

Best of curly
To dispel her reputation as an “angry black woman”, Michelle Obama often hires the local college’s girls swim team to act as her entourage.

Best of Dr. Doom
In his latest recurring nightmare, the Ukrainian Women's Synchronized Swimming Team repeat in unison, "Yes Dub, we hear and we obey"...

Scratch That

Schneider


1. "Hurry up with that exchange, I got to get back to my shift at Burger King."

2. "Hold on, I'll pay with with cash. It's kinda damp."

3. "Hold on, my butt closure is coming loose."

4. ORA: Andrew Sullivan goes to the Customer Service desk.

5. Eight years of Swiss finishing school... totally wasted.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Something reminded me I need joint compound, spackle, liquid wood, caulk..."

Best of dub
Uh yeah, I'm here to pick up my photos from my trip to the Sandusky Football Camp. Ouch.

Best of Dr. Doom
Everyone fled in horror after Bubba said, "excuse me while I whip this out".

Best of curly
“Dude! Somebody cut the Preparation-H with CrazyGlue!”

Best of prince of leaves
"Nope, don' fit. Got any bigger suppositories I kin try?"

Best of Army of Dad
Billy Ray stashes his pills while wishing that he coudl break some of his prison habits.

Best of Vinneh
"Hello, hello. I need some Anti Monkey Butt Powder and I need it now."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Yeah, that second-rate pornographer will never know what him, just like we were when them Germans hit us at Pearl Harbor, eh Miss Huffington?"

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Breast Exam


1. "Got any M&M's in there?"

2. "Mind if I pet your sweater puppies."

3. Eastern Europeans have little understanding of the concept of personal space.

4. "OK, Real and Spectacular... just checking."

5. "The punishment for wearing stupid hats is mandatory breast spanking." 

Plus Size and Minus Size


1. 1980's Teri Garr and Kate Moss in an Ang Lee production: Electra Woman & Dyna Girl.

2. "If you love me, you'll hold my hair while I barf."

3. "Careful, Emma Watson, you'll smother the kitten."

4. That reminds me, what did I do with my scissors?

5. "... and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak..."

Best of blue
"Why Mrs. Robinson, I think you are trying to seduce me!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
David Attenborough whispers: Watch closely... the water buffalo gives birth to its fully formed calf standing up.


Best of dadoctah
Joan and Melissa Rivers, as they see themselves.

Best of GregMan
Thin chick: "AIEEE! Gojirra!"

Best of Steve O
Yeah, but on AVERAGE they're hot.

Best of Submariner
I won't ever get used to the drive engaging either, Arthur. But as transitions go, this one IS rather pleasant. Still have your towel? I seem to be making a puddle there...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"There there, that mean old dub person can't hurt you anymore. He'll probably leave after he finishes puking in the corner."

Best of prince of leaves
"In this Discovery Channel exclusive, we've reconstructed what experts believe is Hillary Clinton's life-force feeding process..."

Best of prince of leaves
Scene from the "Human Centipede" sequel, "Lesbian Starfish".

GHEY KITTEH IS FABULOUS!


Best of mpur
Fame!
I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna learn how to fly high...

Best of GregMan
Ghey sex can be a lot more problematic when you have a barbed p3nis.

Best of Rodney Dill
Throw up your hands
Stick out your tush
Hands on your hips
Give 'em a push
You'll be surprised, you're doing the French Mistake
Voila!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
And this is my impression of Kate Winslet on the Titanic.

Best of dadoctah
"Nyanyanyanyanyanyanya!"

Best of Submariner
I don't think I'll EVER get used to kicking in the drive, Ford...

Monday, January 16, 2012

Nobody Loves You! Be Gone!


1. "My blissfully anal-retentive dreams were rudely interrupted by the premonition of someone setting a cup of beer on the coffee table from Marakesh WITHOUT A COASTER!"

2. "Loser Descending a Staicrase" - Marcel duChump, oil on convas, 2012.

3.And then the Angel of the Lord appeared to John Huntsman and said, "You've been touching yourself again, haven't you?"

4. "On second thought, maybe 'Vote For Me, You Mouth-Breathing, Snake-Handling, Science-Denying Idiots' wasn't as effective a campaign theme as the media told me it was."

5. "I better go down to the cellar and make sure none of those hitch-hikers have chewed through the ropes."

Best of Jack Reacher
Huntsman descends from the attic, where he's been consulting with Helen Thomas on strategy.

Best of dadoctah
"Anybody wants me, I'm going to the basement to shoot some pool with Herman and Michele."

Best of Double the U
Dang it, I hate it when you get all the way down to the bottom and then your realize you forgot to register in VA.

Best of Rodney Dill
Huntsman (thinking): "There's always that career in research papers, essays, and dissertations...."

The Shoes of the Flipperman


1. "Barney Frank is so out-of-touch he thinks 'Skyrim' is a way to join the Mile High Club. Heh! Betcha never thought a Mormon could tell such a filthy, filthy joke."

2. "I love to fire people. I'm starting with everybody at the TSA."

3.  Al Gore points and laughs from the window of his private jet. "LOSER!"

4. "Nice... Bruno Magli shoes... Holy sh-t! You're the real killer!"

5. "Wow! Mr. Romney. I've never seen anyone's hair stay in place while standing in hot jet wash."

Best of Double the U
Sometimes you little people do a really nice job of helping us important people out.

Best of GregMan
"Good job on the shoes, Ambassador Huntsman. Now go tell Santorum to get over here and give me my manicure."

Best of Dr. Doom
Entry 3458 on the list of jobs Mr. Obama is unqualified to perform...

Best of curly
No one kisses your ass like Rectum Airline.

Best of JohnS1959
"Hey buddy", whispered Mitt, "any idea where I can get a dissertation sample?"

Best of curly
“Enough foreplay already! Let’s move on to the body cavity search.”

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The DirectAir pilot - a Huntsman supporter - slowly turned the nose left and edged it forward until... SCHLORP Frannnng BzzzZZZzzz ... and that's how Mr. 1% missed the debate.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yessir, sticky shoess is one of the side effects of flying ErectAir."

Best of mpur
Romney still trying to shake that elitist prick image, I see.

Best of dadoctah
While Robin pre-flights the batplane, Alfred gives Bruce Wayne a quick touch-up.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Staying in the Lines Is Hard


1. Coloring the Cat in the Hat's bizarrely misshapen wiener was an essential element of NHL post-concussion therapy.

2. "Very good, Konstantinov. You are doing much better than Gabby Giffords."

3. "64 colors, and not one for 'Diseased Penis.'"

4. "Dude! Coloring is much more fun when you're baked!"

5. Observer's Notes: "Prisoner 761 has broken his shackles, but still refuses to escape. The Re-Education Treatment is a complete success. Alert FEMA to begin rounding up test subjects for Phase II."

Best of jj
Canadian citizenship exams for European hockey players was quite different than for the average person.

Best of Jack Reacher
At least the bulk-produced term papers came with colorful graphics.

Best of Vinneh
In nonviolent, politically correct Canada the penalty box has now been renamed time-out.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Saturday Awkward Wrestling Photos


1. "Dude! I do not want to look at your PA!"

2. "Dude! I do not want to look at the hickey Army of Mom gave you!"

3. "Dude! It's called Deodorant. D-E-O-D-O-R-A-N-T. Look into it."

4. "Dude! That was a wicked queef. Wait! Dudes don't queef!"

5. "Dude! I do not want to look at your conjoined fetal twin."

Best of prince of leaves
Even at an early age, Justin's wandering eye was a problem for his partner-of-the-moment.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Stop it Billy", cried Bobby, "There is no such hold as a Half-Johnson"

Friday, January 13, 2012

The Pillage People

Schneider


1. The Tea Party, as envisioned by the editorial board of the New York Times.

2. Venture Capitalists, as imagined by Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry.

3.Minnesota Vikings fans... as envisioned by Minnesota Vikings Fans.

4."Where de Anglo-Saxon women at?"

5. Viking raiding parties were the last shallow gasps of the Hipster Movement.


Best of GregMan
What happened when those kids wouldn't get off Hrothgar's lawn.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Meet the proponents of even stronger Patriot Act laws.

Best of Jack Reacher
Mr. Romney, the press is here for your interview.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Ya der hey"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Liberal answer to the Tea Party: The Thor Losers.

Best of prince of leaves
Occupy Trondheim came to a bloody end when Fairhair sent his soldiers in to disperse the squatters and send the survivors packing for Iceland.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"The wrong one is leaving!" The Katherine Willows Fan Club storms the set of CSI, and there isn't a Justin Beiber in sight.

Best of dadoctah
Freebird!!!

Another Vivid RiIot of Red

Schneider


1. Hussein should have known better than to approach M'Chel on a heavy flow day.

2. The horrible secret behind Prego spaghetti sauce.

3. Disney's PMS-themed Water Park was a bigger misfire than Euro-Disney.

4. In his second term, Obama decided to just slaughter the 1% and bathe in their blood.

5. The thing has got Barack... Yea! Go Thing!

Best of GregMan
The Gerbil's Revenge starring Richard Gere had some amazing special effects.

Best of curly
Headline: Mensa Messes Mises, Miscues Menses, Moans Missus
Translation: The brainy hard currency advocate’s wife complained of his googling the mistyping of “Mises Institute”.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The owner of the tomato farm regretted hanging the "Throw yourself into your work" motivational poster in the cafeteria.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Charlene? Your tampon came out again!


Best of Jack Reacher
Oh, damn. The plug holding all those backed up captions has failed.

Best of Dr. Doom
No amount of butt closures is going to fix that...

Best of prince of leaves
The FDA subsequently issued new rulings to prevent Cthulhu-spawn from being fraudulently sold for calamari.

Best of jj
BREAKING NEWS....Detroit City Council is barraged by protests when citizens find out that they will not be getting free tampons.

Best of dadoctah
Trial commercial for the new Ocean Spray X-treme Cranberry.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

That's Impressive


1. As usual, the American Team dominated Olympic pole-dancing.

2. Taking down the Festivus pole really marks the end of the holiday season.

3. The ten foot pole allowed Anderson Cooper to touch her.

4. "...and then, just as the limber blonde underwear-model gymnast was about to hand me my Motor Trend Car of the Year Award... I woke up."

5. John Huntsman's favorite blond intern returns with that 'poll' he asked for.

Crying Children... Is There Anything More Arousing?




1. OK,OK,OK... you can have one more hour of math homework, then off to bed.

2. "Oh, stop your crying. Mitt Romney isn't going to fire you."

3. "And the 'winners' of the Organ Harvest Lottery are Li-Chang, Soo-Hua, and Huang-Shi."

4. Children everywhere reacted the same way to Van Halen's godawful reunion single.

5. Told you guys not to bet on LSU. Roll Tide!

Best of prince of leaves
Not seen in NoKo propaganda photo: the 'minders' tightening the C-clamps on their ankles to make their suffering more convincing.

Best of GregMan
"Waaah, Gojhira destroyed our school! Now we can't take our Calculus exam!"

Best of GregMan
Workers at the Online Essay Writing Company react to the news that they're all being laid off after withering criticism on CapThis results in a sharp sales drop-off.

Best of dub
With all this whining and carrying on, Sophie's choice is becomming a LOT easier.

Best of jimmy
Due to NoKo's increasing budget crisis, the school cafeteria had to serve Barney as that day's mystery meat.
Best of Dr. Doom
"No we don't want to hear about Ron Paul again", cried the students.

Best of Vinneh
Typical Asian kids react to a snow day at school.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Have at it....


‎"1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... schlemiel! Shlamozel, Hassenpffeffer Incorporated!"

Best of prince of leaves
January 20, 2013: Former President Obama and former Secretary of State Clinton sneak out in disguise through Jefferson-era tunnels beneath the White House to avoid the inaugural parade/vigilante mobs on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Best of Shayne
Hillary to Obama: "Remember, Barry, it's $50 for a blow job and $250 for the night. Not the other way around."

Best of dadoctah
"Kenya? Dude, you're *way* off base. We're Illinois Amish!"

Threadwinnuh jj
....again...the only thing missing is a '64 T-Bird and a cliff...

Best of Dr. Doom
"Dang it, I knew we should have taken that left in Albuquerque", said Hillary

Best of Rodney Dill
"It's baBUSHka's fault."

Best of mpur
"Water's cold"
"Yep. Deep, too"

Hey, There's a Dog on My Back


1. Garbage-scented Axe was a huge hit among zoophiles.

2. "OK, Spike, one more Enumclaw caption... Then, we can cuddle."

3. "So, you've been spamming the Ron Paul polls! Bad dog! Bad dog!"

4. "No! I'm gonna play Wow! I'm tired of being your bitch."

5. "I named him 'Kuato.'"

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
What? I couldn't find a black kid."

Best of From the Mind of a Madman
Hey at least I already got the monkey off!

Best of Dr. Doom
Bob and Rex were caught red handed watching kitteh pron on the internet...

Best of Dactyl
Old joke:
A man walks into a doctor's office with a dog on his back.
The doctor asks, "what can I do for you?"
The dog replies "well, could you get this guy off my balls?"

Best of GregMan
"See, Spike, I told you the Best Ofs weren't up yet."

Best of dub
I swear....you let a bitch lick peanut butter off your balls ONE TIME, and she gets all clingy.

Best of VInneh
Tony Danza gets a little kinky.

Share the Chair



1. The suicide note read simply, "My gay son is dating a ginger."

2. "Oh, Ricky! This really is the perfect couch for watching 'Glee.'"

3. "So, you were expected an iPhone for Christmas, but your parents got you several cases of Platinum toilet tissue instead? Sucks to be you!"

4. "Ricky, I also think Tim Tebow is super-hot, but your obsession with him makes me feel insecure about my big ginger body."

5. "This time, we planned out the orgy in advance and ordered plenty of Platinum toilet paper to clean up the Man Goo."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Sex and the City" is sponsored by Platinum Toilet Paper, and I wanted to show my support for their marathon on TBS."

Best of Rodney Dill
Stocked up and waiting for the Nostradamus prediction to come to fruition.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
This is the only non-nude photo Jeffie got in his Maldives Honeymoon Package. Next time, he's choosing Olan Mills Studios... and laying off the liquor.

Best of GregMan
"Look, Todd! Here comes the Maldives Honeymoon Package commercial again!"

Best of dub
Ricky's thought bubble: "Everlast? More like 4MinuteLast."

Best of Dr. Doom
Todd and Conner (being both nerds and post modern survivalists) laid in a lifetime supply of tissues and lotion...

Best of Dactyl
And after Jack Sprat (who could eat no fat) murdered his wife in a blood-sugar-high induced rampage, he wound up the prison bitch of a three-time loser who, ironically, loved to "eat lean"...

Monday, January 09, 2012

You Know This Story

You know, the one about how Obama is so egocentric he threw himself a costume party themed on his own economic policy.



Best of Steve O
Guess which character is from which fairytale.

Best of blue
Obama and his campaign advisers plot out their attacks on the republican candidates.....

Best of Submariner
ORA: Everything was going great until Bill Murray showed up and Carol Kane clocked him with her toaster.

Best of Jack Reacher
I see the new NLRB board members are ready for work.

Best of Rodney Dill
Malice in Wonderland

Best of curly
In the next photo op, the cast from Edward Scissorhands can be seen making confetti out of the Constitution.

Best of GregMan
M'chel should stop stacking the skulls of her beaten and devoured enemies in the corner like that.

Best of JohnS1959
Mr. Obama introduces his new panel of economic advisers...

Best of Rodney Dill
They couldn't get Biden out of the Hookah room for the photo.

Mittens and Ricky


1. Mitt Romney was also on the receiving end of a "Google Bombing." A 'Romney' is now defined in Urban Dictionary as "What you settle for when she rules out oral, anal, vaginal, and hand job."

2. Spot the Northeastern Moderate RINO: Easiest Round Evah!

3. And at the End of the 'Polygamy versus Paedophilia' debate, both sides agreed to agree to disagree.

4. "Hey, Rick, Gingrich just told me the most hilarious joke. How many dead babies does it take to... Oooooh, sorry."

5. "I just want to say how much I enjoyed competing with you for the honor of losing to Obama's combination of vote fraud and MSM propaganda onslaught."

Mittens McLandslide



1. Definition of Doom: The guy who lost to Obama endorsing the guy who lost to him.

2. "Sorry, John. I can't marry your daughter. I know her prospects are grim, but the church doesn't do the 'sister wives' thing any more.

3. "She's looking up 4Chan. Should I point out that no one has yet made RINO-pr0n and invoke Rule 34?"

4. "... And then Meghan totally cleaned out the hotel fridge and minibar. So, you got any money to help out a vet?"

5. "That's my aide. She's spamming Ron Paul polls. Drives him nuts."

Sunday, January 08, 2012

The Atomic Weight of Tebow is Awesome!

Best of Shayne
(thawt bubble) "Gawd, pull my finger."
(I'm going to Hell)

Best of dadoctah
Aiieee!!! Gojira!!!

Best of Army of Dad
Two Bronco quarterbacks each look to their saviors.

Best of Double the U
God, it's me Tebow... I still want that pony.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Worst. weathervane. ever.

Best of Submariner
"...and for next week might I remind you that Brady married a woman that prostitutes herself on runways and modeled underwear... (uh, strike that last part, I guess I did too.)"

Best of Dactyl
Tebow correctly predicts the number of passes he'll complete against New England.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Now if you could only help me write a dissertation."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hey look, one of my passes got stuck in the Jumbotron", said Mr. Tebow...

Friday, January 06, 2012

Not Spectacular

Schneider


1. Whoa! Those Repo companies are getting hardcore.

2. "Now that you've dropped out of the race, Mrs. Bachmann, you won't be needing these any more."

3."As you have ordered, I have physically removed the belly rolls from the two wet coed bikini girls. Are the suitable for Thursday, now?"

4. The world's most depressing Subway employee asks if you'd like bologna on your five, five dollar, five dollar foot long.

5. "With these implants, you'll be a shoo-in for that State Department internship."

Best of prince of leaves
"So you're saying," Susan droned, "that these two equine Halcyon suppositories might help make me feel a little less morose?"

Best of prince of leaves
Lucy Kozlowski, the world's least-enthusiastic prosthetic testicle sales rep.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I don't need them, not with my sunny personality."

Best of Dr. Doom
This is all that remains of Pamela Anderson after the NOW finally caught up with her...

Best of Passionate Conservative
THERE ARE FOUR T*TS!!!!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Your honor, he kept taunting, saying I had no balls. So, I ripped his off and juggled them like this until the police arrived in response to his screams. Penis envy my ass!

Best of curly
“…and here’s what fuels your chauvinistic Hot Babe Thursdays, you disgusting man-pig.”

Best of curly
The instruction video accompanying the “RONCO AT HOME BOOB JOB KIT” was humorless and bloody.

Best of Rodney Dill
Maria Shriver refused to reconcile with Arnold, even though he had his cojones surgically removed.

Best of Vinneh
At the board meeting, Norma explained there was a market for implants for girls who want to be flat chested. Then she was summarily fired.

Now Do It Backwards


1. "Dammit, Spitzer! You done gone and broke my whore!"

2. "A few more contortions and I'll be ready to defend Obama's policies on MSDNC."

3. "And now, my impression of Mitt Romney's position on health care!"

4."Dammit, you stupid whore! That's a domestic beer!" huffed the Man Who Was Never Satisfied.

5. OMG! Are those Legos on the floor? F-ck Yeah!

Best of Censors Hip
With M'Chel on yet another vacation, Cindy welcomed Barrack to the oval office with the only thing she had that he would be interested in.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Terri's flexibility was the envy of all the other Hooters waitresses.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA:
There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that ... and we sat in the Korova Milkbar trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do ...

Best of GregMan
Even after Angie's tragic spinal injury, Gino was able to find a job for her as a waitress at the strip club.

Best of curly
“These new implants sure are heavy!”

Best of jj
The local pub in Washington DC went through a lot of barmaids when they wore out their lady parts after opening a six-pack or two.