Monday, May 07, 2012

'Scuse Me While I Whip This Out


1. "Ladies and gentleman, um, Mr. Conway Twitty."

 2. "Ladies and gentlemen, um, I'd like to bring out, um, a very special guest, um, my composite girlfriend!"

3. "Whoa! Sorry, let me fan that one away. Too much eggplant and arugula will give you the most foul-smelling air biscuits you ever smelt!"

 4."But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards socialism!”

5. The best part about four years of utter and complete failure: No need to come up with new campaign promises.


Best of Kaptain Krude
"Here boy, here boy! Now where is that stupid dog? ... Oh, right. Awk-ward!"

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
In an alternate universe, Assistant Vice-Principal Barry Obama tries to joke with the kids who keep plastering him with spitballs during assembly.

Best of Cat Whisperer
Michelle come on up here ... oh, sh*t, I left her back on Air Force One again!

Best of dadoctah
"But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards socialism!”

...and...jazz hands!

Best of GregMan
"See, you hold a dog biscuit in your right hand, and the club in your left hand. Then when the dog gets close enough you let him have it, and bingo! Dinner!"

Best of  Jack Reacher
"Hey, Pete, why are my lines on the Teleprompter marked SCOAMF? What does that mean?"

Best of  JohnS1959
"And so you see, by driving all the manufacturing jobs to Mexico, we have solved the illegal immigration problem", explained the President.

Best of Dactyl
Ha, ha ha, oh you guys are such a bunch of jokers! OK now seriously, who put the dead hooker under the podium?

24 comments:

Carpe Phlogiston said...

The podium was facing away from the audience so they could watch Obamalama pull talking points out of his ass.

-OR-

Why here's the little fellow, now. Me and the podium stalking rat have not only made peace, I'm considering him as a replacement for Biden.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

In the spirit of friendly competition, I'm going to give Mitt a fighting chance by announcing my running mate. Sarah, Sarah Palin, c'mon up here!

Kaptain Krude said...

"Here boy, here boy! Now where is that stupid dog? ... Oh, right. Awk-ward!"

double the u said...

No the other way Barack, turn around and face... you know, FORWARD.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Hey, I thought you audio/visual guys had worked out the kinks for lipsyncing so I wouldn't actually have to say anything.

-OR-

Just kidding! Just kidding! I'm not really declaring martial law... yet.

Uchuck the Tuchuck said...

In an alternate universe, Assistant Vice-Principal Barry Obama tries to joke with the kids who keep plastering him with spitballs during assembly.

Cat Whisperer said...

Michelle come on up here ... oh, sh*t, I left her back on Air Force One again!

HLam said...

"What's the deal? We rented this ginormous hangar and you could only find 12 people to 'fill' it?"

dadoctah said...

"Okay, America, turn your head and cough."

dadoctah said...

"But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards socialism!”

...and...jazz hands!

GregMan said...

"Frank Marshall Davis used to like me to do this to him."

GregMan said...

"See, you hold a dog biscuit in your right hand, and the club in your left hand. Then when the dog gets close enough you let him have it, and bingo! Dinner!"

Submariner said...

♫ So send in the, mmmm, clowns.
There, uh, ought to be clowns.
Don't, um, bother; I'm, uh, heeeeerrrrreeeee...♪

Submariner said...

"I'd like to take this, um, opportunity to, uh, thank Air America for, um, hosting my, um, campaign kickoff..."
"Mr. President? That should be 'Error Amerca...' Sorry."

Dr. Doom said...

"Carney, I want you to fire our sign maker immediately", demanded the President, "Everyone in all 57 states knows it is spelled a-m-e-r-i-K-K-K-a!"

Jack Reacher said...

"You're all Americans, so, um, I'm not gonna bow to you."

Jack Reacher said...

"Hey, Pete, why are my lines on the Teleprompter marked SCOAMF? What does that mean?"

JohnS1959 said...

POTUS: "Boy I'm glad this is a policy speech and not a campaign stop!"

Union Organizer: "How can you tell sir?"

JohnS1959 said...

"And so you see, by driving all the manufacturing jobs to Mexico, we have solved the illegal immigration problem", explained the President.

Dactyl said...

Ha, ha ha, oh you guys are such a bunch of jokers! OK now seriously, who put the dead hooker under the podium?

Dactyl said...

Really, it's easy. You're talking, you're joking, and you just put your hand out real subtle like this and if they put a hundred bucks in it they get in to see Hillary.

Spineless Vertebrae said...

"I want everyone to know that I support gay marriage. That and every other large group of people I want to vote for me."

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Just stop it! Fool me once, shame on you, fool me 11 times with the "Your shoes untied" gag, shame on me.

Carpe Phlogistong said...

It was a stroke of genius. His handlers had him say he supported tougher immigration laws AND amnesty, pro-life AND abortion, gay marriage AND no gays in the military, and BOTH the Constitution and Sharia law. By the time the dumb electorate figured they were being played, he had another 4 years to screw things up more.