Monday, March 19, 2012

Monday Mornings with Mittens


1. "Like my jazz hands? I was taught by an actual Negro."

2. "I'm sorry, I was distracted by my utterly fabulous manicure and failed to hear your question. What was it?Something about being out of touch or whatever?"

3. "You! In the front row. Put your wiener back in your pants, for goodness sake."

4. "All things considered, I'm not surprised at all that MFM reporters think $3,000 a year is a normal budget for contraception."

5. "President Obama? Swell guy, love him to death, he's just in a little bit over his head is all. Rick Santorum, on the other hand, is an evil, illiterate, incompetent demonspawn from the darkest bowels of hell."



Best of Cat Whisperer
“What was the best thing about RomneyCare? Mandatory breast exams!”

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Wait! No! Please! Put that pie down, Rick!

Best of metalgarth
Despite what the media wants you to believe, I can't shoot lightning out of my hands like the evil dude in "Star Wars"

Best of USMC2841
They are real and they are spectacular.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
"Stay back everybody! Only I have built up the tolerance needed to withstand the toxic chemicals coming from the amount of hairspray I use."

Best of prince of leaves
A poorly-tested operating system update in mid-debate left the Rombot staggering about like Frankenstein's monster for the remainder of the evening.

Best of GregMan
"You are getting sleeepy... oh wait, that always happens at one of my speeches."

Best of Submariner
Stop!
In the name of love...
Before you cast your vote;
Think it oh-oh-ver!

Best of Dactyl
I'm this many times richer than all of you put together, and that includes people watching on V or seeing this on a stupid caption-contest site.

19 comments:

Cat Whisperer said...

“What was the best thing about RomneyCare? Mandatory breast exams!”

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Watch closely... nothing up my sleeves... I'm going to pull a gift to my fat cat cronies right out of my ass!

-OR-

Okay, it's true... these hands haven't done an honest day's work in their life. And I'm proud of that.

-OR-

Wait! No! Please! Put that pie down, Rick!

-OR-

All I did was push him like this... down a flight of stairs... into the path of an oncoming truck. And that damn 99-percenter's got the nerve to sue me for millions. Dirty scum. Why can't he get a job a McDonald's and earn his own millions rather than sponging off the wealthy?

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Now hold on a second... have you heard of Ron Paul?

-OR-

No, the republicans' death panels aren't at all like Obamalama's! We have god on our side, Obamalama is the devil. His death panels kill old people and turn them into a substitute pink slime. Our death panels will be totally righteous witchburnings, sacrificing slutty women to save little groups of partially differentiated personhood cells. World of difference.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Pandering to Barefoot & Pregnant Housewives
Look! Palmolive dishwashing liquid really does soften hands while you do the dishes, just like Madge says. I can't believe I've been using a generic brand just to save a few pennies!

-OR-

So I says to Santorem, "Whoa there, buckaroo, I might give you an ambassadorship to Rwanda so you can continue your missionary work, but there's no frakking way I'll make you Official Spirtual Poobah to the Grand and Omnipotent Mittens the First until you say Mother may I!"

metalgarth said...

Despite what the media wants you to believe, I can't shoot lightning out of my hands like the evil dude in "Star Wars"

Anonymous said...

Woa woa woa woa, limited government, and more freedom? I am a conservative not a Ron Paul supporter.

USMC2841 said...

They are real and they are spectacular.

Spineless Vertebra said...

"Stay back everybody! Only I have built up the tolerance needed to withstand the toxic chemicals coming from the amount of hairspray I use."

Dr. Doom said...

"Whoa - hold on just a cotton pickin' minute there", exclaimed Mr. Romney, "Where did all this crazy talk about Mormons having to pay for birth control come from?"

prince of leaves said...

Pandering to the Mormon-loathing fundamentalist Christian vote, Mittens announces he's converted to Pentecostalism with a surprise laying on of hands.

prince of leaves said...

A poorly-tested operating system update in mid-debate left the Rombot staggering about like Frankenstein's monster for the remainder of the evening.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Can you believe it?? That cop made me put my hands on the trunk, spread my legs and the he frisked me! Me! Your future king. I swear I'll sack his whole damned department when I get elected.

GregMan said...

"Boo! I'm a conservative! Ha ha haaah, that gets 'em every time!"

GregMan said...

"You are getting sleeepy... oh wait, that always happens at one of my speeches."

Submariner said...

Stop!
In the name of love...
Before you cast your vote;
Think it oh-oh-ver!

Submariner said...

I was the CEO of Bain Capital, not
"Pokem, Screwem and Dickem..."

Submariner said...

ORA

heh heh,
"Kitty Softpaws"
heh heh

Dactyl said...

I'm this many times richer than all of you put together, and that includes people watching on V or seeing this on a stupid caption-contest site.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

No no no! It wasn't me that cracked that joke in front of 'Chelle, it was DeNiro.

-OR-

At the 2012 Republican Convention:
Stay calm, everybody! I don't think the mother ship is supposed to land for another couple hours. Just stay seated down and keep sipping your Koolaid.


WordVerify: shotifier - When you order an Everclear chaser to go with that 151 & Coke.