Monday, March 05, 2012

Mittens and Mike


1. "You must have a pile of money this high to support my campaign."

2."Ninjas? Stand back. I got this."

3. ♪ "I just wanna be myself,And I want you to love me for who I am. I just wanna be myself, And I want you to know, I am my hair." ♪

4."No, I won't let the Government pay for contraceptives. Mitt Romney likes it bareback."

5. "What do you mean this isn't where the spout goes. Maybe my friends own better little teapots than you landless peasants."

Best of mega
When each of my kids attains this height, I buy them a Nascar team, a luxury car, and a small black child to play with.

Best of Artfldgr
You mean that this isn't the improv, and i saluted comedy for nothing?

Best of Spin
...And I pledge to keep my pimp hand strong.

Best of prince of leaves
"Zrroooom! That's the sound my private jet makes!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Well the dog on the car roof did have rather large ears and with the Bournelli effect caused enough lift, to give me 2 miles more a gallon."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Okay, so I throw like a sissy. When I was growing up, we couldn't afford baseballs. All we had were rocks, rotten tomatoes and the occasional hairy bezoar my aunt Tilly hacked up.

Best of Dactyl
If it wasn't for my hair, I'd only be about this tall.

Best of Steve O
A pile of used condoms $3,000 dollars high would be, like, up to HERE!

Best of Rodney Dill
"...and I live in a van, down by the river."

Best of USMC2841
My old man has a stack of nudie books this high.

Best of Submariner
Someday Alice, to the moon!

22 comments:

Chronos the Wonder Pig said...

"...and as soon as I find a suitable sock puppet, I'll announce my VP candidate."

mega said...

When each of my kids attains this height, I buy them a Nascar team, a luxury car, and a small black child to play with.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Dumb as a Stump Speech
This eagle just swooped down and grabbed my little puppy and flew off! As president, my first job creation act will be to employ sharpshooters to kill eagles!

-OR-

Johnny, why is it so hard for me to connect with commoners?
Deefeecult for you, eezee for me.
ORA SeƱor Wences

-OR-

So I said, "Ocifer, hic you can't ticket me... I'm a hic prezydentistral candydate from Ma-Massa-Massachewsitz, like the Kennerys. And do yoooo know what he said? hic He said, "The Kennerys are dead and so is your policital career!" hic bah da boooom


-OR-

White men can't high five.

Artfldgr said...

I told my speech writer that it wont work without the puppet...

Artfldgr said...

You mean that this isn't the improv, and i saluted comedy for nothing?

dadoctah said...

You must be this tall to ride my bandwagon.

Spin said...

...And I pledge to keep my pimp hand strong.

prince of leaves said...

"Zrroooom! That's the sound my private jet makes!"

abercrombie said...

Hi dear. Hope to get better.

Rodney Dill said...

"Well the dog on the car roof did have rather large ears and with the Bournelli effect caused enough lift, to give me 2 miles more a gallon."

Carpe Phlogiston said...

We mormon men are NOT any different than you conservatives, Santorum. If our little woman get uppity we'll smack them upside their heads... like this. Works on our kids and our parents, too.
Wait! Can we retape that? I got a little off message.

-OR-

Okay, so I throw like a sissy. When I was growing up, we couldn't afford baseballs. All we had were rocks, rotten tomatoes and the occasional hairy bezoar my aunt Tilly hacked up.

Dr. Doom said...

"No sir", instructed the aide, "This is your press conference. Your handball date with Ron Paul isn't until 4:00"

Dactyl said...

If it wasn't for my hair, I'd only be about this tall.

Steve O said...

A pile of used condoms $3,000 dollars high would be, like, up to HERE!

Rodney Dill said...

"...and I live in a van, down by the river."

Submariner said...

HEEEEE-e-e-e-e-e-eeres Johnny!

Submariner said...

So, Ron Paul; all this could be yours if the price is right!

Rodney Dill said...

220, 221, Whatever it takes.

USMC2841 said...

My old man has a stack of nudie books this high.

Dr. Doom said...

"And if I am elected President, I promise there will be an organic chicken in every pot, a Prius in every driveway, and a diaphragm in every ___", intoned Mr. Romney, "What's that? Oh sorry that speech was meant for the NOW convention."

Submariner said...

ORA?

Someday Alice, to the moon!

Double the U said...

"Didja ever notice..." before politics Romney tried stand up comedy.