Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Gene Simmons Worst Nightmare


1. On the other hand, she is, like, totally immune from Goa'uld symbiote attacks.

2. Damn, I'd hate to see the cat.

3. Somewhere, Ellen DeGeneres just got a thrill up her leg.

4. "Does she have a brother?" Andrew Sullivan asked. "Does she have a much, much younger bwothuh?" Barney Frank asked.

5. "And do you have any proof you're the illegitimate daughter of Mick Jagger and Kay Lange?"

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Make a Wish

1. "He wouldn't stop ranting about Ron Paul. So, I clocked him."

2. "Human Battering Ram" was a Jackass stunt doomed to go horribly awry.

3. Just when you thought the intercourse couldn't get any sicker: Gay Airplane Rides.

4. ORA:  Rick and Bruce's attempt to perform the Iron Lotus at the Roller Disco received three perfect 'Fabulouses' from the judges, even the usually cranky East German judge.

5. "Ms Maddow! Take your hand off my thigh at once!"

Hot. Dog.

1. "Want some peanut butter, boy? Yeah, I'll get some peanut butter."

2. "Rex, thank Gaia you found me! Go get help! Tell them I'm being held captive in Army of Mom's basement."

3. "Enjoy 'em while they last, Rex. In fifty years, my pecs will look like Barney Frank's."

4. Next on NBC News, Chelsea Clinton interviews a gay athlete.

5. "What? We just humped five minutes ago. Can't we just cuddle?"

Monday, December 26, 2011

Just because I thought I needed some hate mail...

1. No, seriously, if I wanted a president that hated Israel and thought the USA was an illegitimate imperial power with the blood of millions on its hands... I could just vote for Obama.

2."Uh, oh, Ron Paul, you just stepped in dog doody." No! Insisted millions of followers. Paul stepped into a golden mass of magnificence and beauty beyond the ability of neocon statist Bilderberger sheeple to understand.

3. Congressman Paul later said his remarks were misconstrued, and he would be happy to take questions from the "Jew-controlled media" any time.

4. "Careful, Mr. Paul. Don't trip over Chris Matthews!"

5. It had to be said: "Scuse me while I whip this out!"

Le Sigh

Friday, December 23, 2011

Scenes from the War on Christmas

The Brigade

1. Santa finally decided coal was too good for all those motherfrackers on the Naughty List.

2. "'Happy Holidays' my ass you secularist motherfrackers!"

3. Michael Bay remakes 'Miracle on 34th Street.'

4. Ambushed in Detroit, Santa digs in and calls for close air support.

5. Santa almost made it out, but then someone made a racist comment, Dawn's head exploded, and shrapnel caught him right in the giblets.

Merry Christmas or Whatever


1.The counter help at Hot Topic wishes you a Grim, Meaningless, Commercial Holiday You Conformist Douchebags.

2. He warned them that the Red Ryder BB gun would put their eyes out, but they all thought pierced eyeballs would be rad.

3. "Naughty? Nice? Who are you to judge us you fat bastard?"

4. Later, they're going caroling at the Old Folks Home; hope they like Slipknot.

5. "Give us credit for being ahead of the curve ... we thought the future was bleak and hopeless even before The SCOAMF got elected."

Best of Double the U
Santa thought bubble, "I held onto that screaming crying baby with the dirty diaper for as long as I could and I still get stuck with these kids."

Best of blue
The Occupy North Pole movement gained strength when the elves went Goth

Best of dadoctah
Worst 60s TV Batman villain ever.

Best of prince of leaves
Wish lists, clockwise from upper right: Sarah Palin biography, CK-One, a puppy, the twisted and blasphemous souls of his enemies ripped screaming from their bodies and gathered for all eternity in an ancient carved glass bottle, Cheerleader Barbie.

Best of Dr. Doom
Looks like the ennui has overtaken Santa...

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Emo kid 1: "Oh yeah, I'm definitely killing my mom for this."
Emo kid 2: "That's what you said when she made you take a picture with the Easter Bunny."

Best of Submariner
I keep getting them mixed up; is this a Goth group or a seasonal gathering of the Twilight Fan Club?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
When Santa divorced Mrs. Claus, he turned to Morticia and Gomez for solace. They generously opened their mansion up to him, the elves and most of the reindeer. Mrs. Claus retained custody of Rudolph and any elf that loved country music.

Best of dadoctah
With every Christmas that passes, Yoko looks more and more like Rosemary Clooney.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Color Me Skeptical About This Danger

1. This is the kinda thing that should get your breeding license revoked.

2. The level of honesty of Mick's T-shirt was on par with his 'My Other Car Is a Porsche' bumper sticker.

3. Raised by gay male foster parents, Rick had no idea his shirt was inappropriate.

4. It was not only giant, but apparently bio-luminescent.

5. "That's it, Britney, hold my son by his giant penis."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
You might be a redneck...
1- if you wear clothes announcing you're a peckerhead
2- you, your wife and kid all belch "cheese" in unison for the photographer
3- you can divorce your wife and still call her sis.

Best of mpur
The shirt would be more accurate if it said Danger: Giant Dick

Best of jj
Pictures from Jerry Sandusky's childhood photo album...

Best of Submariner
Kathie Lee's kids never got tired of describing Regis Philbin.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Later, Todd would realize he only thought his penis was giant because he compared it to his son's.

It's a Peeps of Wal-Mart Christmas


1.This year, Christmas comes to Santa.

2. The Ghost of Christmas Past had to tart herself up a bit to get Hef's attention.

3. "Hi, I'm here to apologize for that Barney Frank pic. We agree it was left up for far too long, and those responsible have been sacked."

4. "What's wrong with your other arm, tubby?" dub demanded.

5. Lisa Kudrow unfortunately invested all of her 'Friends' money in Solyndra and was reduced to any work she could find.

Best of Dr. Doom
Shayla opts for the naughty list...

Best of Dactyl
Chelsea Clinton's new contract with NBC required her to do 'special appearances' at company functions from time to time. She probably should have read the fine print.

Best of dadoctah
My local Wally World is overrun with red-hat ladies too, but they look nothing like this.

Best of Army of Dad
Even dub agrees this is better than the Barney Frank pic.

Best of mpur
Nice to see the local crack whores getting into the Christmas spirit.

Best of jj
Why do I keep hearing in the background a redneck saying, "Git 'er done!"

Best of Submariner
ORA: "Eat your heart out, Connie Chung!"

Best of dadoctah
This all started when Corinne asked her manager "are there any problems coming to work with my tattoo visible?"

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Goggles, They Do Nothing!

There really is only one Caption for This... 


Best of andthenblammo!
ORA:"Dew yew lahk mah tittays?"

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
"No! As a matter of fact these are real."

Best of metalgarth
V the K officially moves into "3rd Rate Pron" as of today

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Why, yes, it is a bit chilly in the House chamber today. Why do you ask?

Best of Jack Reacher
Nice drape of the jacket across your shoulders. Who are you, Count Spendula?

Best of prince of leaves
Remember, folks: like other members of Congress he gets top-notch free medical care. Your tax dollars paid for those breast enhancements.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Wow, I haven't seen 3 boobs on one person since 'Total Recall'...

Best of Double the U
"If woo fink I'm sexshe and woo wahnt my bowdy common shuger wet me woa!" Karaoke night in the chambers will never be the same. Thankfully.

Best of Dr. Doom

Well this is just great - Mr. Frank is leaving congress. Now what are all the monors going to do for low hanging fruit...

Low fruit... did you see what I did there?

The Nightmare Before Christmas


1. At long last, the Atheist League succeeded at destroying Christmas.

2.Scientists have yet to explain the inverse correlation between a person's desire to appear nude in public and other people's desire to see that individual person naked.

3. Ang Lee was rather proud of his remake of Miracle on 34th Street.

4. What do they want for Christmas? You can rule out dignity.

5. "So, it's agreed. We're all on the naughty list and we all need spankings!"

No Six Packs Here, Just Kegs


1. "That your Yule log? Want me to set it on fire... metaphorically?"

2."Nope, you're still not attractive. How many more kegs do you have?"

3. "Better duck dude, incoming bola over your left shoulder."

4. "And if Boehner thinks I'm coming back from Senate recess, he's cracked."

5. "Jon Bon Jovi is dead! Show some respect and cover your wang, for God's sake."

Monday, December 19, 2011


The Progressive Movement lost one of its icons yesterday or probably before. KJI achieved all of the goals of progressives, a society in which everyone was equal, the wealth was distributed fairly, and the national carbon footprint was comparable to the Paleolithic Era.

Best of dub
pew pew pew!

Best of metalgarth
Just as you requested. The "George Takei Model" with an *extra large* stick shift.

Best of JohnS1959
"No you fool, I don't need to defecate", replied Kim Jong Il angrily, "But I do require some privacy in a small room to contemplate the grandeur of my new bumper car."

best of Rodney Dill

Must have Illudium Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator.

Best of jj
The glorious leader at the factory with the first sybian prototype.

best of Rodney Dill
It'll do the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs.

Best of Steve O
Kim Jong Un demonstrates the "time machine" that he and his father invented while watching an episode of Doctor Who, at fast-forward speed.

After the jump, North Korea's new ruler, Kim Jong Un, lunches with his advisers upon his ascension to the seat of absolute power.

The SCOAMF and the Scamp

1. Interchangeable Voice Bubbles: "Wanna sneak out and play Coach Sanduskey and the vulnerable youth?" "Sorry, you're a bit too feminine for my tastes."

2."Justin, if you ever want to become an 'American Citizen' I know a guy who can forge birth certificates like a master!"

3. "Oh, trust me, we can sneak out for a blunt. The way M'Chel is digging into those fries with her eatin' shovel, we won't be missed for hours."

4. "Justin, have you ever heard of that tribe in Papua-New Guinea where it's a rite of passage for a young boy to orally service the tribal elders?"

5. "Welcome to the 'Hyped Up Far Beyond Their Talent Convention.' I see we'll be sharing a table with J.J. Abrams and the cast of 'Glee.'"

Best of champaignken
It is a pleasure to meet you Mr. Sammy Davis Jr., and to help you celebrate Christmas. I thought you were Jewish...and dead.

Best of Dactyl
And congratulations on being voted the king and queen of transgender prom.

Best of JohnS1959
How fitting - in this one photograph we see a microcosm of Amerikkka. Mr. Obama is to leadership what Justin Bieber is to entertainment. All we are missing is Taylor Lautner to illustrate what Twilight is to cinematography...

Best of Submariner
Keith Olberman is to Newscasting.
Barney Frank is to Fiscal Responsibility.
Milli Vanilli is to recording.
Bernie Madoff is to investing.
Kyle Petty is to sports.

Best of prince of leaves
I see Rachel Maddow finally had the plastic surgery to remove her adam's apple.

I wonder what the poor folks are doing for Christmas?

1.M'Chel and the SCOAMF continue to be amazed that the unemployed haven't stormed the White House and guillotined them yet.

2.The floor reflected right up M'Chel's dress You could even see the writhing tentacles.

3. There were many downsides to serving in the White House Honor Guard, but the president constantly trying to score coke from you was definitely one of the worst.

4. The amazing part is, the entire floor was kept shiny by one middle-aged housewife with severe OCD.

5. "No, No, No, you stupid cracker a--holes! We wanted Blue Spruce, not Norway Spruce! Imbeciles!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Much like the American economy, those trees are uprooted and covered with shiny objects designed to catch the eye and distract the commoners from the fact the trees will soon be dead and discarded.

Best of Rodney Dill
I hope someone warns Biden they waxed the floor again.

Best of Whacko
Its good to be the king!

Best of Double the U
Ohhhhh honey those are so cute, what are those people wearing those uniforms for? Are they scouts?

Best of Passionate Conservative
"You know Michelle, those are some freakishly lifelike nutcrackers!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Obama: "Thanks to me the Sugar Plum fairies don't just dance in your head... they also serve in the military."

Best of JohnS1959
"Camp David?", Ms. Obama asked the Secret Service detail incredulously, "Do they have palm trees, black sand beaches, and drinks with those cute little umbrellas at Camp David? I didn't think so. Now go tell your families you will be spending Christmas in Hawaii this year..."

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Horny, Saxxed Up Kids

1. A pretty accurate depiction of what it feels like to be trapped between two Ron Paul supporters.

2. "Guys, you are never going to be as good as Miles Davis unless you start hitting the smack."

3. Excellent blog, thanks for the share. I'll be a regular viewer.... Oh, sheesh, now they've got ME doing it.

4. "Please, guys louder! LOUDER! I want to be deaf so I never have to listen to that gawdawful Rebecca Black song again."

5. And then Cap This hit rock bottom with this display of Child Hornography.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Susi: I can't wait until my boobs get bigger & I can stop hanging out with the geeks.

Best of Dr. Doom
Carl's internet search for 'girl with two horny dudes' was a bit of a disappointment...

Best of dub
Despite their best efforts, Cindy still preferred a good tromboner.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Come on, guys, your tag-team last night made it hard enough to sit and play my saxophone. Now you're trying to wear out my ears, as well?" The bow-chicka-wow music had started, but Wilhelmina couldn't hear it.

Best of blue
"Boys, when I said to use your instruments to cover me with man goo, I meant...."

Best of jj
We've told you before, no sax before the big game...

Best of Rodney Dill
"Trumpeter? I don't even know her."

Best of Jack Reacher
Due to her ability to block out anything she didn't want to hear, Susie grew up to become a Medicare trustee/NYT board member/CNN manager.

Best of metalgarth
Ralph Wiggum and Millhouse have finally had it with Lisa's holier than though liberal B.S.

Friday, December 16, 2011

De Plane! De Plane!

1. "And if you passengers on the left side of the aircraft will look out your windows, you'll see a whore with a fantastic rack."

2. Blond with the terrific ass's thawtbubble. "The pitch on his number three engine is outside flight tolerance. He should change out the compressor on his next A-Check."

3. Later on, Hurley went mad with power and would bring down planes just to loot their snack carts.

4. "Dumb French Crackers," thought M'Chel from the verandah of her villa. "And somebody get that chalk-faced whore off my beach!"

5. "Oh, beans, the detonator! I knew I forgot something!"

Best of dadoctah
Photoshop fail! No kittens!

Best of prince of leaves
"Helllp! Scary metal bird! Aiieeee!" Monica was terrified until someone else on the beach helpfully informed her that that was what airplanes look like from the outside.

Best of Dr. Doom
"crackle - Tower this is Air France 472, we are declaring an emergency and requesting a fly around, over", transmitted Captain Oveur...

Best of Jack Reacher
"Oh, crap, that's my plane, and I haven't finished the term paper. I wonder where I can get help with one."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Deep Thawts
See Betsy.
See Betsy read.
See Betsy frown and wonder - "Why do they have to ship air all the way from France?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
Seconds later, the plane crashed when the passengers all crowded over to the side and yelled, "Fatty fatty fatty!" It was the last dub family reunion.

A Subliminal Message from Your Local Groundball Squadron


Feed Me

1. Britney is slowly making progress in dealing with her racism, she's down to a six-foot pole.

2. "You got something in your teeth," said Spider-Girl. "A little web-fluid will get it. There ya go."

3. "His teeth look good. Yeah, I'll take him. $600 enough?" ATDHE.

4. Envy lost a lot of weight and shed the coat, but it still just lurks in the background.

5. 'Occupy the Gym' was far more racially diverse than Occupy Wall Street.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Pretty Pink Balloon

1. ORA: "... And then, the clown said, 'We all float down here,' so I called him a queer, beat the crap outta him, and took his balloon."

2. "It's for breast cancer awareness. I'm now aware that breast cancer looks like a big pink boob."

3."Billy, why don't you and your new best friend Mr. Pink Balloon come on down to the Emergency Room so we can treat that nasty old concussion."

4. Steroid abuse had turned Tommy's sperm pink and gigantic.

5. "Um... thanks for the balloon-gram, Mr. Sanduskey, but I'm just a sophomore. Isn't it a little early for Penn State to be recruiting me?"

Best of blue
I'm showing my soft feminine side & that cute quarterback still doesn't notice me!!

Best of dadoctah
Hudson was justifiably proud when his team was picked to play in the My Little Pony Bowl.

Best of jj
Hudson High School wins the first annual San Francisco Gay Pride Bowl. Needless to say it was a come from behind victory.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes I do Balloon animals.... Look its Michael Moore."

Best of Passionate Conservative
"If you thought what James Harrison die to Colt McCoy was bad, wait'll you see this!" Charles said just before he burst the feces-filled balloon in the referee's face!

Best of freelance writers job
I had to go show it to my friend and he enjoyed it as well!

Best of Army of Dad
Condom use, you're doing it wrong!

Best of Jack Reacher
"Oh, Kobe doesn't play football? But I'm open!"

Best of Submariner
♪ ..... And I pity, every girl who isn't ME today... ♪

Best of Submariner
German ORA: Neunundneunzig rosafarbene ballons.♪

Wednesdays with Wally


1. In an alternate universe where people's position in society is based solely on personal merit, Michelle Obama laments that the $9.98 hair straighteners were all sold out by the time she got to the WalMart.

2. "And just why do those racist crackers call it Black Friday?" Shaneeque demanded of no one in particular.

3. In her drug-addled haze, Whitney Houston wonders where the rest of her entourage went and when the video shoot starts.

4. The worst part is, everyone assumes from her LDYGAGA license plate that she's a gay man.

5. I never realized it until know, but the Boob Belt is essential to pulling off  the M'Chel Obama "throw on a bunch of random ugly clothes" look.

Best of HLam
Shaneeque heads for the door smuggling a 60" Wide Screen in her jammie bottoms.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thawtbubble: Oh dangit, they're out of the extra heavy duty jumbo vibrator batteries!

Best of prince of leaves
After the unfortunate incident in the abandoned WalMart, Columbus added another rule: "Just because it shuffles and speaks incoherently, it doesn't mean it's a zombie."

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Wet Butt

I can't really think of any captions for this, but I figured AoM could use the eye candy.


Black Rubber

1."Would M'sieur like a shampoo with his cut?"

2. The ghost from 'American Horror Story' has a kinky private life.

3. Brokeback... um... Sea Hunt?

4. The annual Christmas Card from Uncle Fred and his friend Jack was just never opened when the kids were around.

5. The GOP candidates would come to realize it was a mistake letting Anderson Cooper choose the next debate format.

Best of sonicfrog
Vladimir Putin, in happier days.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Lost episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Spike drinks the blood of a San Francisco fern bar patron and develops an irresistible rubber fetish.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Where the rubber meets the choad"

Best of Adriane
Dude! You can make all the barking noises you want. You are NOT a Navy SEAL!!!

Best of sonicfrog
007 pron: "No Mr. Bondage, I expect you to...".

Best of prince of leaves
"Is that a seam across your otherwise featureless crotch, or are you just indifferent to seeing me?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Rubber? I don't even know her.

Best of Submariner
When I said "I like a nice, tight, seal;" I wasn't talkin' 'bout no Tupperware, Bruce...

Best of Dactyl
No, you idiot! The talcum powder goes on before the rubber suit!

Monday, December 12, 2011

SCOAMF Claus is Comin' to Town

1. More evidence to support the rumors that the SCOAMF... "enjoyed being pleasured by older white guys" during regular trips to the bath house.

2. "Actually, when I, um, think about it. 'Pouting' and 'Crying' are pretty much all, um, Democrats do. carry on."

3. "F This Cracker and his Barbie dolls and Train Sets! I'll bring you free health care, pay off our student loans, and your mortgage! Every day of the year!"

4. "...Away from bed I flew like a ... um.... OK, OK, hold on now, I got this....'Away from my bed... um... hold on, hold on  ...  I flew like a flash, um, I tore open the shutters..." As the SCOAMF bumbled on without his TelePrompter, determined to finish his poem, Santa wished for death.

5. The difference between Barack Obama and St. Nicholas? One of them is a much-hyped imaginary character who supposedly gives away stuff to millions of people that is in reality paid for by other people and the other is Santa Claus.

Newt We Much

1. "You know what I hate? Old white crackers who succeed by being slightly less RINO that Mitt Romney. ... There's one right behind me isn't there?"

2. Newt Thawtbauble: "OMG, there's another face on the back of his head!"

3. "My hand is turning white! My hand is turning white!"

4. "'Scuse me while I give Mr. Gingrich a reacharound."

5. Newt Thawtbubble: "Why does he keep making eye contact with me than coyly looking away? Is he into me or not? Gawd, if he wants to hook up, why doesn't he just ask?"

Best of Kal Penn
"..and this is the secret handshake used to get into the Obama Gay Bath House in Chicago

Best of dadoctah
Flanked by Alfalfa and Spanky, Stymie reveals the secret high sign on coast-to-coast television.

Best of Dactyl
Sorry Al, we're not falling for the 'handshake booger wipe' trick. Fool me once...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Newt Humor - To amuse the camera crews he's spent the last 5 minutes gently tugging the wig off Al's fat head.

Best of metalgarth
Goofus, Franklin and P.J. hold a press confrence to announce that they will be starting their very own comic strip with funding from the NEA.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Enraged, She Unleashes the Fury of 10,000 Amanpours


1. Unsurprisingly, Amanpour's tenure on 'This Week' ended with a shout of 'Allahu Akbar' and a loud explosion that splattered bits of George Will and Arianna Huffington everywhere.

2. "Infidel Cheney! You've gone and wrecked Cokie Roberts again!"

3."Infidel! Bring me back my corn dog!"

4. "You know what grinds my gears? You, America! [BLEEP] You!"


Best of Spin
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman"

Best of GregMan
"You infidels get off my lawn!"

Best of jj
I can't even get a date in this damn country. Maybe I'll go to Egypt to get some...

Best of Jack Reacher

Best of Kaptain Krude
"one more thing V the Koward, I'm tired of you presenting yourself as some holier than thou do-gooder Christian..." At long last, the mystery is solved.

Best of Submariner
Despite her passionate rendition of "The 12 Days of Ramadam," Christine was booted from the first episode on MTV's "Air Guitar With The Stars."

Friday, December 09, 2011

Sherbet-Eating Grin


1. And now a man who just provided oral sex to Jerry Garcia.

2. Even the usual gang of filthy hippies was put off by Roger's constant invitations to "Occupy My Face."

3.Jerry Sanduskey was surprised how many children fell for the "My Face Tastes Like Ice Cream" gambit.

Spock Prepares to Eat a Baby


1. "Yeah, good luck getting child support in Roddenberry's moneyless utopia."

2. "So, Bones can heal a wounded Horta but he botches a simple abortion? Most illogical."

3. One of Spock's less pleasant duties was dealing with Jim Kirk's many, many paternity suits. Once again, he sets his phaser to "Disintegrate."

4. Spock travels in time to drop young baby Katherine Janeway on her head and save Starfleet from the Worst Captain Evah! Unfortunately, he failed to consider the causality loop.

5.Ann Dunham's other mixed baby was similarly destructive to the Vulcan economy and society.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Four Kings and a Pair

1. [INSERT painfully obvious 'Motorboat' caption right here]

2.Dustin Brown failed his Ghey Test when he ignored the big-titted blond and blew in a teammate's ear.

3. "What do you think of my twin outboards, guys?"

4. Dustin Brown overcomes his fear of boats through positive reinforcement.  VERY positive reinforcement.

5.  "Five... Five dollar... Five dollar blond whore..."

Best of metalgarth
"All this can be yours if the PRICE IS RIGHT!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"You're gonna need a bigger dinghy."

Clean Up in Aisle 29


1."Sorry, I had to bring him down, he had big tits."

2. Contrary to the teachings of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, when you want something and you don't wanna pay for it, you can't walk right through the door, walk right through the door.

3. CSI: Milwaukee was just one franchise extension too far.

4. "Ms Ryder, these desperate pleas for attention really must stop."

5. Most of the perps considered it humiliating when Deputy Pruit tea-bagged them, but Andrew was sort of into it.

Best of Steve O
Paul Blart vs. Occupy Walmart.

Best of prince of leaves
Woman in gray: "You know somethin', Margie? It's always such a chore getting up at 3am for these Black Friday doorbuster sales, but seeing that Occupy fucktard get body-slammed by security made it all worthwhile, this year."

Best of Spin
When Walmart says one per customer it means ONE PER CUSTOMER pal.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I caught him shoplifting butt-closures."

Best of Rodney Dill
"What? The Potato Chip aisle too?"

Best of dub
He was attempting to go through the 12 Item Express Lane with 13 I pepper sprayed him and took him down.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Mixed Fashion Signals

1. "Army of Mom, I'm here to install your deck, clean your pool, and root for your Spanish soccer team."

2. "Hello Mr. Safe School Czar. Question, are all anti-bullying block grants handed out at midnight at an I-95 rest stop?"

3. "And that's the window where Barney Frank used to watch me drink a Diet Coke and fondle himself. I'm gonna miss that twisted old mincing pederast."

4. "I understand everything about the'Anderson Cooper' internship dress code except the hard hat."

5. The producers of Glee were delighted with the stagehand the agency sent over.

Best of blue
Ted is first in line for the Lady gaga tickets.

Best of prince of leaves
Getting shakily to his feet, Tyler slowly recognized through the rohypnol hangover that he was in the middle of a bullring and there was a man in a strange costume headed his way with a couple of fuzzy darts.

Best of GregMan
"Coach? Coach Sandusky? Where are you?"

Dragon Lady


1. "Me love you long... no, forget it. Not even for another Trillion in unsecured debt."

2. Hilldawg: "Excuse me for asking, but do you people have a cure for cankles? Acupuncture? Herbs? Fetal cell injections? Whatever you got, I'm buying!"

3. As the SecState babbled on, the ambassador's aide could only think "I no speak English crazy lady with hips like water buffalo."

4. "Yarrr, I be Lickbeard the Pirate! Prepare to be Boarded and Scissor Me Timbers, Yarrr!"

5. "Madame Secretary, the Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS look really suits you."

Best of Rodney Dill
On right: "Me love Bill long time."

Best of Rodney Dill
On right: "Give my regards to Chef Ramsey."

Best of Double the U
So Yoko, have you thought about dating Newt?

Best of HLam
Madame Secretary: "I left 4 pant suits on my bed. Have them cleaned and pressed and, for God's sake, easy on the starch this time."

Best of Cat Whisperer
"President Obama wants to improve relations between our two countries, so I’ve brought you a set of chopsticks with a ‘Reset’ button on them.”

Best of dub
Kim Jon Il looks fabulous these days.

Best of metalgarth
Quentin Tarantino presents: "Kill Hill" (Don't we wish that was a real movie?)

Best of GregMan
Shrillary thought bubble: "I'll take that 3AM phone call from this one any time."

Best of jj
Hillary thought bubble, "I'd love to eat this fortune cookie...but in an hour she'd be horny again".

Best of Vinneh
"Hillary, quick they need more butter on table 14"!

Best of Dactyl
WV - vorpok: the sound it makes when HRC uncrosses her legs.

Best of Dactyl
In retrospect, getting Pee Wee Herman to act as the secretary's body double . . . actually worked out pretty well, didn't it?

Best of prince of leaves
Moments later the lifeforce-drained husk of the teenage girl fell dead at Hillary's feet. An hour later, Hillary was feeling old again.


Come Up with a Gheyer Vanity Plate than this...

I'll start...






Monday, December 05, 2011


The Urban Dictionary definition of "Dickweed" is: "a person so irredeemably stupid that their idiotic behavior causes pain to everyone that they interact with."

1.As the SCOAMF yammered on, Leno marveled how some too stupid to make even the 'Jaywalking' segment had been elected president.

2. William Shatner remains unimpressed by the SCOAMF's entire first term.

3. Leno's audience responded poorly to his joke about A-Rod knocking up Sasha and Malia.

4. "No, thanks, B.O. Conan and I will not be joining you for a beer summit."

5. There's a certain Jar-Jar Binks/Liam Neeson vibe whenever Obama is interviewed by the press, don't you think?

Best of jj
Please get me a cheeseburger! She watches me like the East German Police and there's hell to pay if I don't eat what she gives me...

Best of Submariner
Obama attempts to use his pimp hand. Leno's jaw doesn't notice...

Best of Dr. Doom
"And I was in the book store looking at copies of the two books I'm supposed to have authored", related Mr. Obama, "and then it occurred to me those bastards at Nobel haven't given me my Prize for Literature yet."

Best of Dr. Doom
Mr Obama explains sex to Jay Leno...

Best of prince of leaves
It's sort of like watching "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", only not as funny.

Best of blue
"..and when I drive to the Chicago bath houses I use the car with the LDYGAGA plates....."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Come on, uh Jay, you can afford to, um, lend the good ol' USA some, um, some of your cars. And um, some of your, um, some of your motorcycles." Obama desperately searches for some way to cut the debt somehow, someway.

The SCOAMF Reads

1. Unable to find The Rand-McNally 57-State Atlas, the Rosetta Stone Guide to Learnign Austrian, or Marxist Economic Success Stories, the SCOAMF decided his shopping trip was a bust.

2. "Ennui, when will you, um... loose your, um, grasp of um, me."

3. The SCOAMF was disappointed when he realized he had misread the title and it wasn't 'Then he Came in My End.'

4. The family wearied and grew embarrassed of M'Chel impaling a store manager on her bat'leth every time her card was declined.

5. "The Protocols of the Elders of Zion... and it's on the Clearance Table!"

Best of mpur
"The Constitution for Dummies". Damn, if only I'd had this in college.

Best of Double the U
These are all free because you are President right Daddy?

Best of blue
Suspecting that both girls are no longer intact, Barry looks for a copy of How to Explain SEX to Children......

Best of GregMan
"Why is the Koran remaindered? Infidels!!!"

Best of Johns1959
"Hmm... How to Wreck an Economy in Five Easy Steps. Class warfare - check, Grow Government - check, Socialist Agenda - check, State Controlled Media - check, Incompetent Leadership - check", summarized the President from his favorite author, "Um, wait - what?"

Best of jj stop, the iPod section to get some more of my speeches...

Best of Dr. Doom
"I am buying this book to explain sex to you girls", related the President, "and I will do that just as soon as your mother explains it to me..."

Best of prince of leaves
"'Then We Came to the End'...Look, Daddy, it's a future history book about 2012 and your presidency!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thawtbubble: Oh thank goodness, they haven't sold out of "Lo Cal Eatin Shovel Treats" by Julia Child!

Saturday, December 03, 2011

When Billy Met Robo Cop

1. And with the new software patch, Government Motors' line of Day Care Androids hardly ever rip the little buggers heads off any more.

2. "So, Timmy, you ever seen a cyborg naked?"

3. To free up more time for golf, the SCOAMF programmed a robot to do his bowing for him.

4. "Gee RoboCop, I didn't know you were a tight end at Penn State."

5. After RoboCop finished his brutal enforcement of the school's zero tolerance policies on drugs, bullying, sexual harassment, unhealthy food, dress code, cell phones and tardiness... Timmy was the only kid to survive to second grade.

Friday, December 02, 2011

Just FYI, the new URL went up on 1 December. If you've been blocked at work, maybe the new URL will get you through. Or Not. You never know, y'know?

The Sanduskey Family Christmas Card Photo

Divine Miss M

1. No one was surprised when little Bill Jr (seated in front) grew up to be a dread-locked, face-painted, lice-infested OWS protester.

2. Mr. Peterson was hell-bent on getting his boys into Penn State.

3. "All right kids, are you ready for some sick intercourse?"

4. In terms of the resulting therapy bills, this truly was the $25,000 pyramid.

5. The Safe School Czar's 2011 Family of the Year.

That's Somebody's Son, But Getting Anybody to Cop to it Is Gonna Be a Problem

(Although, in fairness, 'And Then Blammo' also suggested it.)

1. "We're gonna put you in a cell with some nice guys we arrested selling meth at a dog fight. But, hey, you're down with the struggle, right?"

2. "Oh, yeah dude. Your face paint is legit tribal. As soon as they give beer-gutted white trash losers a casino license, you can work the crap table. Judging by the smell, you have some experience, there."

3. "We're gonna put you in a nice cell in the 'The Best Part of You Ran Down Your Mother's Leg' section."

4. "The lice in your dreads seems to have developed a Level 5 civilization. You still have to go through de-lousing though."

5. "Shame to lock you up, boy. I'm sure somewhere there's a meth-lab missing its submissive bottom b-tch."