Wednesday, November 30, 2011

You Got to Know When to Holder




1. "This one! Have him shaved and brought to my tent."

2. ‎"Does this bother you? I'm not touching you."

3. Pull finger, receive Fast and Furious Testimony.

4."Your boogers! Give them to me!"

5. ‎"And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

Best of dub
    You there. The pickle....tickle it.

Best of Rodney Dill
    "Holder? I don't even know her."

Best of Steve O
    Have you ever seen a creepier setup for "pull my finger?"

Best of jimmy
    "I fart in your general direction."

Best of Jack Reacher
    "You look familiar. Wait, don't tell me. Didn't I sell you some guns a while back?"

Best of Jack Reacher
  "You will wait, sir, while I whip this out."

Best of sonicfrog
 In keeping with the now time-honored defense against wrong-doing by Democrats, Holder was heard to exclaim "I did not have something with that something!"

Threadwinner Dr. Doom
"These are not the gunrunning bureaucrats we are looking for", repeated the Congressional Investigator, "You can go about your business."

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "You there. I did not get a har-umph out of you!"
 

The Ass Man Cometh


1.SCOAMF Thoughtbubble: "This is like an aerial view of the Black Sea."

2. "I wonder if I should have Sir Mix-A-Lot at one of our Wednesday Night White House parties. Nah, M'Chel would kill me."

3. Hmm, her tramp stamp reads 'Clinton was here.' Wonder which one it was.

4. Sensing he was in the presence of a more dominant power, the SCOAMF instinctively bowed to her ass.

5. "Why does she smell like raccoons?" the SCOAMF wondered.

Best of Rodney Dill
    Obama later got the charges reduced to 'Just following too close.'

Best of mpur
   badonka..uhm...donk

Best of Double the U
    Oh yea, nothing like a chalk-assed whore.

Best of blue
    "something I'm good at" mused the SCOAMF, "leading from behind!"

Best of Jack Reacher
    "Damn, she's got a few term papers hidden in there, let me tell ya."

Best of Rodney Dill
    "My God... It's full of stars..."

Best of Dr. Doom
In order to keep one step ahead of the President's repeated gaffes, his handlers have to find unique places to install his teleprompters...

The Changing Face of Stupid


1. If we can put three useless Demonrat senators into the Phantom Zone, why can't we put them all in there.

2. Patty Murray permanent thoughtbubble: "Derrrrrr!"

3. Three different people, three different reactions to laxatives kicking in.

4. Democrat women: As smart as they are beautiful.

5. You know, if Obama can win the Nobel Prize, Patty Murray ought to have a shot at People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People.

Best of Dactyl
    Guest starring in the season finale of The Walking Dead...

Best of Shayne
    The ugliness! It's blinding! And it's making everything askew!!!

Best of Jack Reacher
    Their response to the question "What means ORA?"

Best of Jack Reacher
    Study hard in school, kids, or you could end up like this.

Best of prince of leaves
(Clockwise from top) "Damn, where'd they find the pictures...?", "Ahh, memories!", and "Oh Congressman Frank..." Three Democrat senators react to seeing goatse for the first time.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Behind the expression: I love marijuana. Oh look, a cute little rat just scurried under O's podium. I really love marijuana.

Best of Unscrupulous
    In an attempt to fool the voters, a photo was released showing them leaning to the right.

Best of racerboy
    Senior Party Leaders anxiously await the new "Best Of" postings from V the K.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

So Long, Y'Sick Twisted Froot


1. Before leaving Congress, Barney Frank heads out to the House Page Dorm for one last golden shower.

2. "This is the wast time I bowwow a dwess fwom the first wady," Barney grumbled.

3. Mr. Frank announced he was resigning from Congress to accept the position of Athletic Director at Penn State University.

4. "Do you thing Pwesident Gingwich will be needing s Save School Czaw?"

5. In honoring Congressman Frank, the Gay Rights Association that before Congressman Frank, most gays were regarding as nothing but mincing pedophiles. But thanks to his tireless work, the public now knows they can also destroy entire economies.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"I will run for re-erection if that cute closet gay in the White House Tickles my Pickle" lisped Bawney.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
    Golden parachute, golden years, golden showers...Bawney is ready for anything.

Best of Unscrupulous
    I had no idea they made those fruit saver bags in XXXXXL sizes.

Best of Dactyl
You know what would be funny? If someone took Frank's head from this photo and photoshopped it onto a fat guy in a suit.

Best of Jack Reacher
Thinking the term was literal, Barnie suits up on hearing Fannie and Freddie will cause a major s**t storm soon.

Best of Double the U
Over the summer, Barney visited his friends at the college ball boy camp one last time.

Best of Rodney Dill
Someone knows where he'll be when his laxative kicks in.

Best of jj
Somebody looking to "fill his soon to be vacated seat?"

Check Out the Hog


1. "It's that breeder b-tch Elizabeth Hasselback. Get out my AK. Now!"

2. ♪ ♫ "Sunday Monday Happy Days! Tuesday Wednesday, Happy Days!..." ♪ ♫

3. "I'm sorry you lost your softball game, Rosie. Who knew the Secretary of State had such a powerful arm." 

4.  (Sigh) "Rosie, can we please stop circling Demi Moore's house. She's clearly not interested in a rebound-revenge f-ck." 

5.  "On second thought, let's stick with Lorenzo Lamas for the lead in 'Renegade.'" 


Best of Passionate Conservative
"Terminator 6: The Next Generation" wasn't well received by the action movie crowd

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hey does anyone know how to get to the Town Hall in Sturgis", asked Rosie...

Best of Passionate Conservative
Gee Rosie, I never rode on a Harley Davidson Sybian before!

Best of dub
Rosie and her friend head off to Occupy Haagen Daaz.

Best of HLam
Not able to do a complete reach around, Rosie's b*tch fell off at the first pothole.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
    It is refreshing to see mudflaps on a motorcycle making a comeback.

Best of jj
When Rosie pulls into the Harley-Davidson dealer and says that she wants her oil changed, all the mechanics run in fear.

Best of metalgarth
    Tommy Lee has really let himself go!

Best of Dactyl
Jabba the Hutt got his start in organized crime as a member of a motorcycle gang.

Best of sonicfrog
Photoshop Alert: I have it on good authority that bike does not hold that much weight.

 

Monday, November 28, 2011

Bammy Swallows a Weiner

Al


1. "That reminds me, Dear, you have an interview with Andrew Sullivan tomorrow."

2. "... And Anderson Cooper."

3. "... And Brian Williams."

4. "Frank Marshal Davis would be so proud if he could see you today, honey."

5. "The safe school czar wanted to know if the concession stand had any really small hot dogs."

Best of dub
Man behind M'Chelle thought bubble: "Oh my god...there's two of them. I'm gonna get robbed I just know it!"

Best of blue
Look M'Chel, this is how we Tickle the Pickle in the Chicago gay bathhouses......


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
   As the teleprompter slowly crawls...
    1 - OPEN WIDE
    2 - Shove it in your pie hole.
    3 - Bite down.
    4 - Chew it you idiot!!! Don't swallow it whole!

Best of Steve O
Oh man, Bachman is better at EVERYTHING!

Teleprompter on Dead Tree


1. Note: "Beware of a fat bearded guy with hipster hornrims."

2. Note: "Hi there, Barry. Remember me? Chicago bath house, August 2005? Let's just say Solyndra gets $535 Mil and this remains our little secret, K?"

3. Note: "wE HaVe YR TelePromptER. We Demand $500M in cash by MiDNight."

4. "See! My, um, tax reform would also, um... fit... on a postcard. It just says, um... 1. How much did you make? 2. Send it in."

5. Obama's 3x5's just contained the talking point "Republicans suck" accompanied by crude drawings of genitalia.

Best of Double The U
 You must make copies and pass this note to ten legislators and positive things will happen in your life.

Best of racerboy
    "...and I'm Barack Obama. Go fuck yourself, San Diego."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Best of andthenblammo!
    And my fortune is: 'President of US with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!"

Best of GregMan
    "Meet me in the men's room at 6PM. Love, George Takei."

Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: "Sir, you are in great danger. This kook by the name of Johnny Smith thinks he can see the future, and is trying to kill you. Follow me, and I'll take you to safety, President Stillson."

Best of Dr. Doom
The worst part of being Chris Matthews' intern was delivering his love notes by hand...

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Clearing Out All These Football pics


1. No one was surprised when 'Twilight' devolved into vampo-pedophilia.

2. OM NOM NOM NOM

3. "Aw, crap, it's La Familia . Sorry, Billy, I'm gonna have to use you as a human shield."

4. "Fart! Fart, Damn you!"

5. "Mmmm, delicious back sweat."

Finishing Out the Football Season


1. "Since you're a summer, I chose something with a hint of Ochre. It will look fabulous, darling."

2. "Easy on the mascara, Billy. You look like a whore. Coach Sandusky likes his tricks natural."

3. "Mister, we all appreciate the makeovers, but you're not a coach or a parent ... who the Hell are you?"

4. "Coach, your faith in Icy Hot is astounding, but I don't think it's a recommended treatment for concussion."

5.  "And if you little sh-ts don't win this one, I swear to Allah I'll bring in Donkeykong Suh to stomp on your precious little heads." (ORA?)

Friday, November 25, 2011

Kneepads and How to Use Them

Schneider


1. "OMG! OMG! Yes, yes, OMG, yes. I *will* marry you!"

2. "On second thought, Tom, don't show me how you got the scholarship to Penn State."

3. "Dang it, Roy! I was just trying to say a little pre-game prayer, and you had to walk over and make it into oral-sex-joke bait."

4. "C'mon baby, take me back. I've changed, really. C'mon baby."

5. "Forget that ref, I already tried. He's a total breeder."

GOP Debate As Charlie Brown Special

I don't care who you are, this is teh funneh.

If I Made This Up, They'd Call Me Racist

Department of Justice places want ad for "Ebonics Translator."


Football Close Out

The football pics sort of piled up this Fall and I thought Thanksgiving Weekend would be a good time to finish them off.


1. The puke bucket was essential for anyone visiting the Penn State locker room.

 2. Best part about this outfit is he can go straight from the game to the Penn State Faculty mixer without having to change.

3. Usually, when AoM does this outfit, she skips the gloves.

4. Because he brought the bucket of pig's blood to Carrie's prom, Matt was the first to die.

5. ORA: Seeing Mr. Creosote head for the concession stand, Ricky springs into action.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Just Watering the Hippies


1. "Oh, stop your belly-achin' It's not even pepper spray. It's Tang."

2. The Monors were grateful for the officer washing the horrible 'People of Walmart' morbidly obese breast feeding lady image from their eyes.

3. "Mr. Cheney warned you to get off his lawn."

4.Andrew Sullivan's Google Search for a burly cop shooting off in someone's face... oh, to Hell with this meme!

5. Officer Dub would later explain that he was doing the fat girls a favor by spraying Ipecac in their faces.

Best of Binky
The OWS crowd didn't really care about pepper spray, but when the officers broke out the soap and water, they broke ranks and ran.

Best of Rodney Dill
Out damn spot!

Best of Jack Reacher
Down t(w)inkle.

Best of metalgarth
I love the smell of pepper spray in the morning. It smells like victory

Best of dub
Guess you should have ironed my shirt bitch.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Tim Allen specialized in turbocharging everything, even watersports

Best of jj
Dale Gribble demonstrates the proper way to exterminate vermin.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Aww shucks, I keep forgetting to ask... Is anyone allergic to dimethyl-parachlorhydrate-N2O2, ricinoleamidopropyl ethyldimonium sulfate, phenolglycerbate carboniferous colloidal suspension or peanuts?
Best of Kaptain Krude
You assault
We pepper



O. M. F. G.


1. Really hoping there's a sale on Eye Bleach in Aisle 12.

2.The most disgusting part of the picture? Just the knowledge that in order for her to be nursing a baby, somebody had to f--k her!

3. Jodie Foster has totally let herself go.

4. Little Timmy would grow up never understanding the source of his craving for bacon-flavored milk.

5. Scientists now believe that this woman, and not genetics or environment, is responsible for 90% of male homosexuality.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Clean up aisle 5, People keep barfing up."

Best of Rodney Dill
That's no moon!

Best of Cat Whisperer
Looks like the baby’s airbag deployed when the mother breaked suddenly to avoid the boy in the blue shirt.

Best of jj
Be grateful we're not looking at a picture of her with her feet in the stirrups....oh damn...I just threw up in my mouth...

Best of Submariner
I just threw up on my monitor, keyboard, desk and lap.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Hey Dub, eHarmony just called.

Best of blue
well you know, to have those kids some guy actually had to approach THE DOOM PUSSY!

Best of Robert
Just how many more young uns she got trapped in there?

Best of PabloD
She wasn't impregnated via intercourse; her gravitational field simply pulled in the sperm of the first male to walk within 1000 yds. of her event horizon.
Best of Steve O
Ron White lied to me...

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

OWS Youth Cope with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Dad? What Was Occupy Wall Street? A question a child might ask, but not a childish question.

Like many young people who volunteered to join the nationwide Occupy movement, Ryan has been having a hard time being back in “the world.” “When we were ‘in country,’ we became used to a certain routine. The free meals served in the camp soup kitchen, the free wi-fi, the rhythmic sounds of the drum circles, and the crackheads who’d let you buy food with their EBT cards in exchange for cash for drugs. I’d give them, like, $10 and they’d let me buy $40 in food. It was a sweet deal.”

But it wasn’t long before Ryan, and so many young people of his generation who had volunteered to do their duty, saw the ugly side of human nature. “The day they cleared out our camp, this one cop…he…he yelled at me. ‘Move! Move! Move!’ He had a bullhorn…the sounds still haunt my nightmares. And then…” Ryan’s voice trails off, as tears well up in his eyes, “then he grabbed my Tumi duffle bag and literally, like, pushed it into my arms. I totally could have been knocked over it I wasn’t wearing my Urban Outfitters boots.”

Spot the Pervert

Something About a 47-Year-Old Guy who is really passionate about teaching teenagers about sex and becoming their sexual confidante red-lines my Creep-O-Meter.


  

Not Implying Anything


1. Accommodations at Jerry Sandusky Football Camp were... cozy.

2. "Dude, the sock on the doorknob means I've got company." 

3. "Awww, c'mon. Take out the butt closure. I promise to pull out."

4. "Well, all right. So long as these pictures don't end up on the internet."

5. "Let me just reach up here and get the butt closure."

Best of blue
"Guess what I want to Occupy next?"

Best of metalgarth
Ang Lee presents: Saving Private Ryan 2011

Best of jj
Administrators of the Department of Education Safe Schools seminars take a real "hands-on" approach.

Best of Army of Dad
BrokeBack Barracks

Best of dadoctah
"Oh, Wa-a-a-ariors!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"The Dancing With The Stars finale is followed by a What Not To Wear marathon. Score!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"I'm thankful for the repeal of DADT", related Bruce, "What are you thankful for Heath?"

Suburban Caveboi


1. Coming Summer 2012: Land of the Lost 2, featuring Ang Lee's pool boy as Chaka.

2. The son of Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer was something of a disappointment.

3. Twinko was one of the lesser known X-Men, for a good reason.

4. Occupy Bedrock demands attention that 1% of the Gotrocks control 99% of the Shells.

5. "Darwin Boy" was the Safe School Czar's Official Mascot to promote teaching Evolution in the Schools.

Best of mpur
The Geico commercials just get weirder and weirder.

Best of metalgarth
Anthropology 101 textbook cover, UC Berkley approved.

Best of jj
....in other news, McNeil has recalled a batch of sunblock when it was discovered that it was accidentally mixed with Rogaine

Best of VInneh
"Coach Sandusky says these are the new special teams uniforms."

Best of Rodney Dill
Gonad the Barbarian

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Now see, this is the problem with low budget flicks. For want of a Continuity Supervisor, $10.98 worth of film and a whole day was lost because nobody on the set noticed the volcano backdrop curtain had collapsed.

Best of dadoctah
"It's fixed, I tell ya! I'm *way* sexier than Bradley Cooper!"

Best of Dr. Doom
On the plus side Og looked great in the raccoon pelts he scored after they ate the poisoined woman he left out for them...

Monday, November 21, 2011

Idiot Control Now!

Van Helsing


The Threadline, BTW, is an ORA: Here's the explanation. It was inspired by the headphones.

1. "You what I can't stand. Enormous Terrifying Womanoids. ... There's one right behind me, isn't there?"

2. FLOTUS: "Now, see what I told you little crackers. You can only really appreciate Hendryx on classic Stax headphones. It also helps if you're trippin' balls."

3. Ginger in Red Headphones thought bubble. "I am NOT chalk-faced."

4. The Irish Ambassador's daughter was not impressed when the Cheap-Ass Obama's birthday outing consisted of going to a Barnes and Noble Listening Center to check out the latest Soldier Boy CD.

5. FLOTUS: "How dare those peasants boo me. Call back the Blue Angels and tell them to do a strafing run over the bleachers."

Best of jj
FLOTUS with her daily snacks...

Best of blue
FLOTUS sits there wondering when they will announce that Barack won the race & the Sprint Cup.....

Best of Censors Hip
"Daddy, tell the ugly old lady that I am not her happy meal!"

Best of GregMan
When she strokes her gizzard sac like that it means she's ready to feed again, so watch out, kid.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Not one Prada handbag in sight, and their shoes probably don't cost over $90 a pair. These people are hopeless."

Best of Cat Whisperer
The Klingon ambassador to the United Nations waits for the translation before responding.

Best of JohnS1959
"...youth...promise of the future...it takes a village... yada yada yada", thought the First Lady, "I hope my champagne is chilling on Air Force 2."

Best of mpur
NASCAR officials quickly found a way to shield the FLOTUS from the fans angry boos.

Best of VInneh
"No Mrs. Obama, those headsets don't make your ass look big. It already is."

In a Sane World, This Would Be a Wanted Poster


1. "Where de white women at? Oh, sorry, Barney...  where de white women and de pale pre-adolescent boys at?"

2. Barney Frank, Ted Kennedy, and John Kerry; living proof the voters of Massachusetts hate and despise the rest of America.

3. "Chris Dodd thinks we should celebrate over 'sandwiches' at La Brasserie. Don't worry Barney, I'm sure you can jump a bus-boy."

4.Those OWSholes are pikers; these guys have raped, vandalized, and taken a crap on entire economies.

5.  It's kind of like the Mount Rushmore of corruption, socialism, and perversity, isn't it?

Best of blue
"..and now I want to present to you my cabinet & staff - The Doom Pussies...."

Best of jj
Now Dodd finds out what it's like to be in the middle of a sandwich. But he's between a slice of pumpernickel and a croissant.....

Best of GregMan
Obambi wins again at "Spot The Heterosexual".


Best of Jack Reacher
The Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac Lifetime Achievement Awards are quite the star-studded affair.

Best of mpur
"Hey! Who let the extra black guy in here?"

Best of Vinneh
At what circle of hell was this photo taken?

Mittens Are Hysterical


1. "Whew-Eee! That was a beauty! I told you guys, no one can pass gas like the Mittster!"

2."OK, I got almost through 'This health care law will save money and provide coverage for millions...' without cracking up. Let me try again."

3. "... We call it, 'The Aristocrats!'"


4. "Stop laughing, you guys! I really am a conservative! And I can beat Obama! Cut it out!"

5. "And then Jerry guessed her name was 'Mulva.' Funniest damn thing I ever saw."Best of Rodney Dill
Damn Ted... You look pretty good for a dead guy.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Everyone laughed when dead Kennedy the zombie staggered into the room growling "Feed me brains" and Mitt's witty retort was "You'll starve if you expect to find any in a roomful of politicians!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Budget-busting? Well, we can drive off that bridge when we come to it. Am I right? Huh? Oh....he's right behind me, isn't he."

Best of Jack Reacher
"...and it pays for itself with these term papers we'll sell online."

Best of Submariner
"...and Gerald Fitzpatrick! HA! that one always kills me..."

Sunday, November 20, 2011

5 Years of Riffing

Riffing Being the Cinema Equivalent of Captioning

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Easy Rider

blue


1. Well, that's one way to make sure your b-tch doesn't fall off.

2. Pimp My Ride. UR Doin' it wrong, but you don't hear me complainin'

3.Last week, on Sturgis: After Dark...

4. What's most disturbing is he doesn't even ride. He just stands there doing a "Vroom! Vroom!" noise.

5. Weird part is, he's not even straight. His bike is a tribute to Lady Gaga.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Biker's Thawtbubble: Oh yeah, this is waaaay better than coming from Alabama with a banjo on my knee!

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Oh, Suzuki-Q, Baby I love you, Suzuki-Q"

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Take that Evel Knievel!

Best of Oiao
"Hey, does this sorry sack of shit dweeb on this pitiful example of a motorized two wheeled conveyence make my ass look fat?"

Best of Spin
Due to possible bresticle burnage this model does not offer reach arounds.

Best of dub
Its ok I guess....but you should see Coach Sandusky's bike.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Kodak Moment


1. Parents dug the edgy new backdrops for Oakland Elementary's school pictures.

2."Smile for Grandma, Oakland."

3. Trojan prepares a vicious ad campaign against its arch-rival, Oakland-Brand Condoms.

4. "Too Late," Paris Hilton sighed.

5. "Wow! How did you reach that top line? And your spelling and legibility is excellent for a four year old. I'm not even mad, I'm just impressed."

Best of dadoctah
"People called Romanes, they go the house?" Brian of Nazareth has a chilling flashback.

Best of Dr. Doom
Wells Fargo announced recently that it would be the official bank of the Raiders. The new slogan test marketed very well in the Oakland area. Now all they need is a catchy jingle...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Fight the power! Sock it to The Man! Shit is fucked up and bullshit! Geez Dad, I can actually feel my IQ dropping precipitously already!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Hallmark's finally coming out with a Season's Greetings from Divorced Fathers line of Xmas cards to help prevent just this sort of thing.

Threadwinner: Jack Reacher
Ah, I remember the days when L. Brooks Patterson was the Oakland County executive.

Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner: dub
Hold still Timmy...I'm trying to aim my pepper spray....

High School Confidential


1. Tina wasn't freaked out by unwanted scrotum exposure, but it did make her sad.

2. "A french fry? Here I am, morbidly obese, and you offer me a french fry!"

3. "Hey, Tina, Wendy's chili isn't the only rich and meaty thing you could stick in your mouth."

4. "What's wrong, Tina? Haven't you ever seen a guy eat a corndog in one swallow... I mean, bite."

5. "Hey, Tina, the 80'scalled. They want their headband back."

Best of dadoctah
"Why are we here, when the McRib is back, and possibly for the last time?"

Best of metalgarth
"The Lunch Club" a John Hughes Jr. production.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Bra-a-a-a-a-ap! What? Me? No, don't be ridiculous! I'm a girl, I would never do a thing like that! I'm sugar and spice and everything ...brap.. nice!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Her Thawtbubble: Gawd, and he thinks stuffing 3 boxes of fries in his mouth impresses girls? Boys maybe. Ghey boys definitely.

Best of dub
Oh whatever Tina...like that was the worst thing you ever put in your mouth.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Amen



Weasels Raccoons Rippped My Flesh



1. How many clues do you need that the garbage problem at OWS is getting out of hand?

2.This has something to do with that stupid PETA/Super Mario thing isn't it?

3. Margot Kidder really has lost it, hasn't she?

4. "Maybe my last boyfriend was right. Maybe I am garbage."

5. The Livonia Police heard that a white woman was being molested by a pack of coons and dispatched a SWAT Team.

Best of Dr. Doom
Wow, the body lice problem at OWS has gotten out of hand...

Best of dadoctah
The lean years: Jed disowns Elly May.

Best of mpur
Raccoon thought bubble: "My nose never lies. There is definitely a can of tuna fish around here somewhere."

Best of jj
Tonight on NatGeo, watch as raccoons seek out and eat a beaver...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The unlighted path from the Subway Sandwich Shop to her apartment wasn't nicknamed "The Gauntlet" for nothing.


Best of dadoctah
What, no cranberry sauce?

Best of Double the U
Mary's idea for a portable compost business had a few problems.

Best of Dr. Doom
You know it is pretty rancid if you cover it with vegetables and a raccoon still won't eat it...

M'Chel's Sari-Sarong Number



1. And then, M'Chel bent over and people thought a hot air balloon was going up.

2.And then M'Chel ripped out the Asian woman's spine as a trophy.

3. Enormous Terrifying Womanoid M'Chel Obama's enjoys touching Asian women.

4. "And how many Brady Kids did you have to skin to make that dress?" asked the nice Asian lady.

5. Even though ABC was desperate for new ideas, they passed on the inter-racial lesbian Laverne & Shirley remake.
Best of sonicfrog
Yet another celeb / politician caught raiding Gaddafi's closet!

Best of Dr. Doom
"Man these campaign trips to Hawaii are exhausting", thought the First Lady, "I need another vacation."

Best of dadoctah
Sid & Marty Krofft return to variety TV with the new "Tina Turner and Yoko Show".

Best of mpur
Obligatory caption #34: Gorzilla!!!!

Best of jj
As m'chelle unhinges her jaw, she can't help but wonder if she'll be hungry in an hour.

Best of metalgarth
"Dancing With the Wookies" was an epic fail for NBC

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Two-fifty... I have this cleaned and pressed in an hour.

Best of The Watcher
Thoughtbubble: 'Heavens, she found the couch I threw out in 1972!'

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
The First Lady opted to wear native dress during her visit to the island of Tacki-tacki.

Best of dub
What? I thought YOU were going to bring the cup.

Best of Aaron's cc:
Sarong, farewell, aufwiedersehen, goodnight!

Threadwinner: Dactyl
Chun-Li and Balrog, re-imagined for the upcoming Street Fighter V for XBox and Playstation.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Sir, You're Not on the Guest List



1. "Take your unwanted scrotum exposure elsewhere, hippie."

2. "You can take your Susan B. Anthony's to another bar, hippie."

3. dub is ejected from 'Curves' for heckling.

4. Go to Jail. Go Directly to Jail. Do Not Pass Go. Do not collect $200.

5. "I don't giva a sh-t what happens in Soviet Russia, Yakov, but in the USA, bouncer ejects bad comedian." 

Best of Spin
"Ms Perry says she doesn't want to see you anymore"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"There. Are. Four. Lights!"

Best of prince of leaves
Doug put up with the new minister's rock-and-roll services, Earth blessings, and New Age vestments, but he just couldn't accept the new "modern" crucifix over the altar.

Best of Jack Reacher
"WTF! I just said you're the same height as my wife!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Whatever happened to "service with a smile?" This is coming outta your tip!!

The List of Things That Aren't Crimes Grows Ever Longer




Top 5 OWS Pick-Up Lines.

1. "Hey, wanna go back my tent and pick lice out of my beard?"

2. "So, will this be a rape or a rape-rape?"

3. "So, do your meds interfere with your ability to have an erection, or am I about to get lucky?"

4."If I said you had a wasted, anorexic scarecrow-like body would you hold it against me?"

5. "Wanna see my capitalist tool?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yeah... Ned Beatty rocks"

Best of Rodney Dill
You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, you can pick your banjo... but you sure has as hell can't pick a good President.

Best of dadoctah
Tom and Dick Smothers try out their new act.

Best of GregMan
"Wanna hear me squeal like a pig?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Did you notice a blonde with great tits on your way through Alabama? No? Wait, you're liberal, right? Never mind."

Best of Double the U
No, seriously dude, you have to stop climbing in people's tents at 3am and playing "Dueling Banjos", it is really starting to freak people out.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I'm sick of that wise ass Cain's mantra -- "go get a job" - - like I could do that with a BA in Music Theory and 50 credit hours of Slow Pitch Softball.

Too pretty for hockey? Ain't no such thing, dawg!


1. "If I get checked and my lipstick smears, I feel just oogy for days."

2. "Some chick named Army of Mom stole my jersey, just so she could say she had that outfit."

3."I'm sorry... what was the question again? I got to thinkin' about how damn good looking I am and just sort of drifted off."

4. "Good question. Yes, it would be nice to see nipples on Thursday."

5. "Oh, yeah, it's real. And it's spectacular."

Best of blue
Well Nigel, we see that it really does go to 11......

Best of Submariner
>Cough< >Cough< Best of jj
With the onslaught of European players with no chest hair, Canadian women have no reason to watch the post game shows now.

Best of Jack Reacher
Carl demonstrates proper use of the Nipple Meter 3000 device.

Best of prince of leaves
"It was horrible," Zane moaned. "A tear gas canister conked me in the head in Zucotti Park, and when I came to, my dreadlocks and beard had been cut off an I'd been given a bath!"

Monday, November 14, 2011

And now, Scott Pelley does his impression of a short-bus kid who just crapped his pants and is enjoying the warm gushiness.



1. "Wow, this butt closure feels *wonderful.*]

Spot the Tranny


1. Barney Frank had to fire the staffer who mixed up the times for his committee hearing and his after-hours Glee party.

2. Jerry Sandusky can only go out in public incognito these days.

3. Tranny thought bubble, "I wonder if any of these people drive diesel pick-ups and should I self-righteously lecture and swear at them."

4. Bev Crusher spent her later years serving in the Federation Council surrounded by hideous aliens secretly bent on destroying human civilization... Oh, wait, that's a picture of some tranny at the UN. Never mind.

5. The little bald Ambassador from Belgium was so happy to finally get some sexual release he didn't mind it came in the form of a tranny hand job during the UN Special Meeting on Third World Parking Space Widths.

Best of blue
"Ah, M"Chell and Hillary are here, good ... now I'm no longer the ugliest....."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Wanna touch my scrotum? I have it right here in a glass jar."

Best of Dr. Doom
"No, Sir Elton", instructed the usher, "That seat is reserved for Prime Minister Berlusconi."

Best of dub
Tranny thought bubble: "Did I leave my Prius running?"

Threadwinner: prince of leaves
Suddenly, her face contorted into an inhuman grimace, split into several segments, and then opened to reveal Arnold Schwarzenegger underneath.

Best of prince of leaves
Compelled to recuse herself, a bitter and bored Elena Kagan watches the Obamacare oral arguments from the Supreme Court gallery.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
John Goodman finally crosses one off from his Bucket List:
Pretend to be Linda Tripp and tape record Pentagon officials bragging about the top secret Mile High Club.

Best of Submariner
Though NOT unexpected, Fred's "Life Update" photo for the 25th renunion magazine was still distrubing.

Occupy the Pavement, Scumbag


1. "Aw, c'mon, since when is unwanted scrotum exposure a crime?"

2. "Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!"

3. "Oh, c'mon, it wasn't 'rape-rape.' Don't you pigs watch 'The View?'"

4. "Make sure someone feeds my pet scabies while I'm in jail."

5. "Held down and cuffed by men in leather jackets and latex gloves... it's like Andrew Sullivan's birthday party all over again."

Best of Jack Reacher
Dave's term-paper scam is finally taken down by campus security.

Best of jj
Cop to protester, "You're too old for Sandusky. But there's a 350lb black in the cell block named Bubba that loves interracial."

Best of Dr. Doom
...On the positive side, Jerry realized that ennui had finally released him...

Best of blue
"hey, they just told me I get to Occupy City Jail!!! How cool is that!"

Best of GregMan
"Not the shower! Nooo!!!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"I swear, guys, I did NOT know that was the last Krispey Kreme donut!!"

Best of prince of leaves
Wildlife agents attach a tracking tag before releasing the feral human back into the wild.

Best of Submariner
Glee's version of "West Side Story" was surprisingly gritty.

Best of Double the U
"You slaves that go to your capitalist jobs everyday are always being crushed by your masters! Learn to be free!"

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Pit


1." Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville - did not."

2. "Governor
Perry... are you... um... feeling all right?"

 3. "HARROK... Ptui!"

4. Most guys would have been impressed at the size of the canyon, but Joe used to date Sarah Jessica Parker.

5. "Yeah, Well, from now on, it's called 'The Trump Canyon!'"

Best of curly
Up next on “America’s Most Dangerous Jobs”: Members of the Obama Administration are tasked to find THE cliff over which their boss will drive the economy.

Best of GregMan
"I can't believe Coach Sandusky cheated on me with all those other 10-year-olds. I thought we had something... special."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
GOODBYE!... GoodBye!... goodbye... goodbye
Cruel... Cruel... cruel... cruel
Wor!... Wor... wor... wor
I swear, Melvin, you always were a drama queen.
Melvin?

Best of jj
"Hello OnStar? You need to update your road database".

Best of Jack Reacher
"Okay, I've found the Greek economy. Who's next? Italy?"

Best of JohnS1959
"Now if only here was a company who could sell me an anvil and have it delivered immediately , I would finally get that pesky Road Runner", though Rodney dejectedly...

Best of Kaptain Krude
Well, the good news is that Rosie O'Donnell's fall was broken.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Peter North found a void that even he could not fill.

Best of Dr. Doom
Moments after flinging himself over the cliff the suicidal global warming activist realized that his decomposing body would increase the size of the hole in the ozone layer. But, on the whole, the planet made a good trade...

Best of Submariner
Oh fer goodness sake, Dub; she was only 2.3 pounds above the bottom end of the BMI scale!

Best of Rodney Dill
Recalculating......

Friday, November 11, 2011

News Item: LA School Invites Pron Star to Read to First Graders

TMZ - Porn legend Sasha Grey -- winner of the 2010 AVN award for best anal sex scene -- was invited to read books to 1st graders at an L.A.-area elementary school last week ... but the school tried to cover it all up ... after parents pitched a fit.

“Rumpleteezer ran the Dinky-Tinky shop, at the foot of the magic oak tree, by the wobbly dum-dum bush, in the shade of the magic glade, down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives…” -Rkae

Best of Oiao
"Yes little Jenny, we use Butt Closures (TM) after all of our big scenes."

Best of mpur
"Boobies!" the boys responded enthusiastically.

Best of dadoctah
I've never seen so many first-graders simultaneously shouting "Aiieee! Gojira!!!"

Threadwinner: Kaptain Krude
The final scene from Disney's version of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".

Best of Steve O
But if any of those kids go to Penn State, they'll have to know this stuff!

Best of Steve
The Scat in the Hat

Best of double the U
Dear Penthouse Letters, I am only four and a half so I never thought it could happen to me...

Best of metalgarth
Sasha Grey poses for some second rate porn.

Best of jj
Why yes Joey, I do know Charlie Sheen...

Best of Rodney Dill
One fish, Two fish,
Smells like you, fish.

1% of Sith Lords Control 99% of the Force



Threadwinner Rodney Dill
Sith is fucked up and bullshit!

Best of mpur
Re: Sign in the back about Death Star being an inside job.
Sheesh. Even the Empire is not safe from the Paultards.

Best of dadoctah
Aren't you a little short to be 99%?

Happy Nigel Tufnel Day


1. Hollywood really needs to stop f--kin' with our cultural icons.

2. When Joss Whedon hires a hooker....

3. "They are real, and they're just super!"

4."Be free, my little sweater puppies!"

5. And the search for a man who isn't "faster than a speeding bullet" continues.

Best of Double the U
She was able to keep her identity a secret because no one ever looked at her face.

Best of mpur
Nipples on the breastplate was the source of much ridicule for Batman. Here, not so much.

Best of dadoctah
Seriously, when was the last time you saw a phone booth?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston

The economy is so bad...
How bad is it, Johnny!?!?"
The economy is so bad even Supergirl needs to moonlight at bachelor parties.

Best of jj
You think those things are poking out now, wait'll she goes into her Fortress of Solitude!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

These women are supposedly real


Count the things in this photo that aren't real; win nothing


1. "Let's raise some Cain. Oh, wait, we already did."

2. "Thank you," said the Secretary of State. "Now, as soon as you sign the non-disclosure agreements, I'll sign your letters of recommendation."

3. ORA:  They don't drive Priuses and they like your diesel truck.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Game Faces

Schneider


1. And then, Ricky wandered into the Penn State locker room by mistake.

2. "Sorry, my hands are cold. Now, turn your head and cough."

3. "No, no, show me your 'game face,' not your 'kneeling in the shower with Jerry Sandusky face.'"

4.  "Icy Hot in the jock gets 'em every time."

5. "First time in a locker room with Black guys, I see?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Ever seen a grown man naked Billy?

best of dub
NERDS!!!!

best of Oiao
"But I don't want to be a VTK Monday Twink, Coach! And hand me a butt closure!"

Best of Dr. Doom
Moving to the SEC is a lot like surprise butt$ex for the Texas A&M players...

best of curly
Islamic Rage Boy has a tight end.

Best of JohnS1959
The scene moments before the the rhinoceros crashed through the ceiling killing everyone...

best of Carpe Phlogiston
Heyyy... there's a video cam in my locker and the cable runs straight into Sandusky's office!

Best of Dactyl
COBRA KAI!!!!!!

Best of Dactyl
"Awesome game guys, very helpful and enlightening."
"HOW COME COACH ESSAY-HELP NEVER MAKES THE BEST-OFS???"

Airborne Rhino. Why, I don't know

Shayne


1. "Are you enjoying the view Mr. Romney?"

2. You think he's scared now, wait until he finds out he's going to Enumclaw.

3. Now David Blaine's just getting weird.


4. The Flying Wallendas decided their act needed a little more "Oomph!"

5. And then in 2009, Andrew Sullivan became the charter member of the Mile-High-S&M-Bestiality Club.

Best of Censors Hip
"...and then the Rhino shits on the illegal border crossers....we now have a green solution...lets see the republicans top this....."

Best of curly
Who knew they made Michael Moore pi├▒atas?

Best of Rodney Dill
"Talk to me Goose."

Best of jj
The government of South Africa flies in a snack for m'chelles recent visit.

Best of Rodney Dill
TetherRhino... Africa's deadliest game.

best of dadoctah
Sarah Palin's Thanksgiving dinner preparations are proceeding ahead of schedule.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Man! You take one hit of acid in 1968...

Best of JohnS1959
"This will teach those Greenpeace bastards not to mess with us", mumbled the WWF activist as he headed out to sea to bomb the Rainbow Warrior.

Threadwinner: Carpe Phlogiston
Determined to prove they're not totally incompetent, FEMA quickly airlifts supplies to quake victims in Oklahoma.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Perfect Story for Tuesday



Personally, I would have been more upset if I woke up with that haircut.

I wonder if Jerry Sandusky had a stroke and woke up as a pedophile.

Best of joshua
Wouldn't it be funny if he got better and woke up one day and realized he wasn't gay anymore only to look over and see a naked guy laying next to him. Then all his rugby friends would make fun of him and say, "Dude, remember that time you hit your head and thought you were gay?" Man, I bet they'd give him shit about that for weeks.

Best of prince of leaves
    I've heard tales of women being so bad in the sack that they turn their boyfriends gay, but sheesh...she was so bad that all it took her was a stroke?

When Tinky Met Winky

Schneider


1. Introducing the newest Tele-Tubby, Bottomy-Sodomy.

2. ORA: "But when I saw your card, I thought you were an analyst-therapist."

3. This week on Tele-Tubbies,  the safe school czar will drop by to explain the hanky code.

4. More lurid details of the Penn State pedo scandal emerge.

5. Like every other encampment, #OccupyTubbytronic Superdome had a rape problem.

Best of Rodney Dill
Herman Cain accusers start to come out of the woodwork.

Best of Dr. Doom
On second thought, the new Disney Theme park in San Francisco was a big mistake...

Best of Dr. Doom
"Man you can't ever find one of those Tug Toner guys when you need one", opined Tinky Winky...

Tug Toner



Monday, November 07, 2011

DRUDGE BREAKING: FIRST LADY PARTIALLY ERASED BY MYSTERY ASSAILANT.



Best of Unscrupulous
Painting larger parking spaces in the white house motor pool. Why do you ask?

Best of Unscrupulous
That reminds me. My barn needs a new coat of paint.

Threadwinner: Dr. Doom
The revenge of the chalk faced whores was a long time coming, but when it arrived, it was swift and terrible...

Best of Rodney Dill
"Living in the White House sort of rubs off on you after awhile."

Der


1. "All right, Mr. Soros, if you insist. 'De Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah! doo-dah!"

2. INVISBLE DEFICIT REDUKCHUN PLAN

3. "And I am confident that with my new, angry white policy advisor, we will soon know exactly where the white women are at."

4. The main thing Obama's rendition of "I Got Rhythm" demonstrated was that he didn't.

5. Standard Cap #446: "He's got the whole world.. (clap) ... in his hands... C'mon, what are you people, uptight or something."

Best of blue
"..and a want to announce that I have appointed Jerry Sandusky as my children's safe sex czar!"

Best of USMC2841
Daschle wonders how Obama's ass doesn't get jealous of the amount of crap that flows from his mouth.

Best of Unscrupulous
While BO's audience may have needed overly animated hand gestures to understand the meaning behind "silent but deadly"... Daschle didn't. He knew right off.

Best of Oiao
Photo of Obama explaing Macro and Micro Economics.... Nah! Just him explaining the cheese fry portion sizes that Mich'hell eats daily.

Best of Unscrup[ulous
What attracted me to M'Chelle? We'll, when I met her it was this big! I mean they, they were this long. Big. This big.

Best of GregMan
"I swear, Frank Marshall Davis stuck in this far in! Man, did I need a butt closure after that!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Is the country in good hands? Hey, man, I'm not Allstate. You takes your chances."

Best of metalgarth
And Prinicipal Skinner just watches Carl drone on in the school library for 30 minutes solid. The sad thing is that this was one of the better Simpson's episodes of the last decade.

No Caption, Just a Tacky Photoshop

Item: Penn State Officials Step Down Amid Child Abuse Scandal


Newt and the Metaphor


1. "Oh that? It's my questionable personal life. We just avoid talking about it."

2. ORA: "Yasser Arafat's red folder? What a wonderful anniversary gift! I'll put it in my trophy case next to Hitler's soap dish."

3. "Who invited dumbo to the book signing?" "Now, Calista, I know he's an idiot, but he's still the president."

4. "Nice costume, Mitt. But I don't think it will be enough to convince primary voters you're actually a Republican."

5. "Calista, explain 'yiffing' and 'skritching' to me again."

Best of metalgarth
Someone needs to inform P.J. that if you bring a stuffed toy with you everywhere you go as an infant, it's cute, but once you hit middle age, it's pretty creepy.

Best of blue
"OK Newt - either introduce me to Ray Bradbury or I'm going home with the elephant!"

Best of prince of leaves
"You know something, Newt? These term papers are really quite good!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Well if we take out the Giraffe, we just might be able to squeeze him into the refrigerator...

Best of dadoctah
From the makers of Pedobear, introducing: Infidelophant.