Monday, October 31, 2011

Thanks, Zach, You Always Come Through for us

M'Chel Is Looking Lovelier Than Usual This Morning


Long Story Short, my son was at a band competition yesterday and didn't get home until 1:30 in the AM. So, I let both of us sleep in a little bit, but I have a sh'load of work to do, so, would you monors mind doing the captioning today? Much obliged.


Best of GregMan
Dawn's head, just before the explosion.

Best of metalgarth
I didn't know Tina Turner was on tour again

Best of JohnS1959
The last thing Tyra Banks' last personal assistant saw after bringing the model an improperly foamed latte.

Best of JohnS1959
Ah, I see the Ghost of the Keynesian Economy Future has made its appearance. I hope there is still time to change Amerikkka.

Best of JohnS1959
Where will you be when your LSD kicks in?

Best of jj
The sight of m'chelle having an orgasm makes me want eye bleach...lots and lots of eye bleach...

Best of dadoctah
...but she's a great dancer and she loves Three Stooges movies! Thanks, eHarmony!

Best of Spin
One of Herman Cain's accusers revealed... also his failing eyesight.


Also, check out the clever M'Chel Obama jack o'lantern after the jump...

The Littlest Pirate


1. Trick or Treating got a lot easier for little Hussein Soetero when his mother figured out that if she stood off to the side with a cue card reading "Trick or Treat," he'd say that instead of "Gimme the candy, bitch."

2. Halloween being Haram, the Soetero's got around it by referring to it as 'Candy Redistribution and Reparation Day.'

3.Andrew Sullivan's Google Search for "Young Black Booty" surprised and delighted him.

4. "Trick or Treating is for losers. I'd rather go looting at Old Navy." ATDHE.

5. "Mommy, that's exactly where Uncle Frank Marshall Davis likes to touch me, too."

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Mommy,. why do I look like Uncle Frank Marshall Davis and not African Daddy?"

Best of metalgarth
The last few "Dread Pirate Roberts" didn't really inspire terror in anyone

Best of Mr Hankey
Long Dong Silver started at an early age.

Best of rodney dill
Can you spot the hidden Ninja in this picture.

Best of rodney dill
"...but Mom, he just wandered into Livonia. Can I keep him?"

Best of sonicfrog
In an effort to try and stabilize their rapidly dwindling membership, the Church of Garry Coleman merged with a Pirate Cult, producing mixed results.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Download complete", the cool female voice whispered. Ray Bradbury opened his eyes and took stock of his new surroundings. The enthusiastic young brunette knelt at his side, barely able to contain her excitement. Although she was the one who had convinced him to try this new procedure, he still hadn't been sure that she would actually follow through with her promises and enticements. But Ray could tell by looking into her eyes that she would do all that she promised in her song, and then some. Slowly, Ray's new future became clear to him, and he waved his sword about enthusiastically.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Jack and Smokes

Jim Treacher via Facebook



Best of metalgarth
If someone was dressed up as an AK-47, I'd say we've found our new czars for the ATF

Best of Rodney Dill
"You seen a bottle of Coke runnin' anywhere around here?"

Best of Submariner
And to make money, the wife's costume is the bar's jukebox. Guess where the quarter slot is?

Best of Jack Reacher
Trick or Treating in Amy Winehouse's neighborhood was always special.

Best of Double the U
This is offence and should not be seen. A good costume is little Jimmy's transgender princess costume, that offends no one.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Yep, Thelma, the kid's almost 16. Well, now that ya mention it, mebbe smoking did stunt his growth a bit.

Best of mpur
Not pictured: Mom's crack pipe costume.

Best of Dr. Doom
Bob's first choice of costumes, Scrotum Exposure Man and a box of butt closures was (thankfully) vetoed by his wife.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Just Because It's Funneh

Sort of Like That One Star Trek Episode


1. White from the waist up, black from the waist down, Billy was very popular with the girls.

2. I guess the Wayans Brothers made a football movie. Kill me now.

3. "Those aren't black legs, I'm just wearing panty-hose... which make me feel ... oddly... tingly."

4.  Being half black and half white, Billy naturally blamed his poor performance on the game he inherited and the refusal of the other team to cooperate with his plays.

5. Billy's team receives a 5-yard penalty for Unwanted Scrotum Exposure.

O Superman

Brender

Boogie Nights


1. Did the Obama Admin really need a 'Boogie Down Czar?' Apparently, they did.

2.  In retrospect, Seth MacFarlane regretted making a live-action movie of The Cleveland Show.

3. Today, you know him as Herman Cain. But in 1977, he was 'Sweet Booty Bad-Ass Papa Jones.'

4. "All right, which one of you chalk-faced whores stole my gold medallions?"

5. "9-9-9, baby," said Sweet Booty Bad-Ass Papa Jones, pointing to his groin. "9-9-9!"

Best of blue
to get more action, SBB-APJ calls his Bradbury instead of Johnston...

Best of Dr. Doom
This Week Only! For your viewing pleasure. Sweet Booty Bad-Ass Papa Jones will be the headliner in Dawn's Anal Fantasy...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Remember how you used to quickly flip through TV channels but paused the remote briefly on Soul Train just to point and laugh?

Best of mpur
"Damn right I made Dawn's head explode."

Best of Adriane
So Ang Lee got the green light for Mandingo and for Rhinestone Cowboy and said, "What the heck?!?"

Best of Mr Hankey
Occupy Studio 54

Best of dadoctah
This is the guy they left *out* of the Village People.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Don't Worry, Be Happy

TGC


1. "Feel free to join in if you know the words..."

2. It's not easy being a street musician in Detroit.

3. Now, imagine how bad the looting would have been if the Tigers did win the pennant.

4.  ♪ "I just gotta be me..."

5.  "Well, that cleared out that hippie drum circle."

Best of Unscrupulous
Cat Stevens Live!

Best of Jack Reacher
"War! Huh! What is it good for? C'mon, guys, sing along!"

Best of Dr. Doom
And thus ends the short career of Jalil Kalani, the 'Syrian Justin Bieber'...

Best of jj
Jules: This was Divine Intervention! You know what "divine intervention" is?
Vincent: Yeah, I think so. That means God came down from Heaven and stopped the bullets.
Jules: Yeah, man, that's what it means. That's exactly what it means! God came down from Heaven and stopped the bullets.

Best of champaignken
It's raining men. Hallelujah, it's raining men. I'm gonna let myself get absolutely soaking wet.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
This is what happens when McPatterson's runs out of their famous lard ketchup.

Best of dadoctah
♫♪ "Sky rockets in flight! Afternoon delight!" ♪♫

Best of Submariner
Once you get a couple blocks off Canal, the music gets edgier in N'awlins...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Only one Justin Beiber song and those girls went nuts! You gotta hide me, guys!"

Best of Binky
"If you're happy and you know it,
clap your hands! If you're happy... "

Best of Rodney Dill
♫♪ Tiptoe through the window
By the window, planting I-E-Ds
Come tiptoe through the warzone with me ♫♪

Best of sonicfrog
Issac enjoys one of the quieter moments of Occupy Oakland.

Best of Rodney Dill
Allah Kabong

Best of Mr Hankey
"Love is a Battlefield..."

The Book of Tax Loopholes for Democrat Donors

Brender


1. The Book of Obama's Failures, Volume I of IX.

2. The Guide to Understanding Women is finally complete. The pamphlet, Guide to Understanding Men, has been available for some time.

3. "Someone call Paris Hilton and tell her her lab results are in."

4. The Obama Administration said critics of its latest round of new business regulations should just "STFU and hire people."

5. "This can't be the whole list of women who are more attractive than Sarah Jessica Parker. I'll ask the librarian if there are more volumes."

6. "Awwww... crap. This is the last time I buy a term paper from a spammer on the internet. They charge by the page."

Best of Dr. Doom
Brother Maynard consults the Book of Armaments...

Best of Double the U
The complete list of times Dawn's head has exploded. The 2011 listings.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yep... Our entry is still only Mostly harmless."

Best of Jack Reacher
Jobs you're not qualified for with a degree that ends in "-studies."

Best of Jack Reacher
I see the federal government is still hard at work on that hard-copy backup of the Internet.

Best of dub
"How to Find The Clitoris" proved to be just too much reading for Carl.

Best of metalgarth
"Who's idea was it to make a complete list of standard captions and ORAs?"

Best of jj
Let's see...a five letter word for utter failure...begins with ob and ends with a....

Best of Artfldgr
Peter wondered if the new password they gave him was their way of saying they dont need him any more...

Best of Submariner
"People The Clinton's Offed"
Volume VII; MCD - PAT

Best of Submariner
"Unfunny Family Circus Cartoons"
Mar 2, 1972 - Aug 13, 1976

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I'd like to see that bastard Superman tear *THIS* phone book in half!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The National Association of Bankers' new standardized credit card agreement.

Best of Mr. Hankey
White House staff prepare the list of Obama's planned pardons before leaving office.

Best of Dactyl
The centerfold is so huge it takes four guys to pull it out, and you can count every freckle on her inner diameter slope.

Best of Submariner
McPatterson's owner reviews the Health Code Violations listed in his September Inspection report.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

He Can't Even Pull a Wagon Without Help! WTF! SRSLY!

Have at it. Sondra did


Best of Jack Reacher
It's the Great Bumpkin, Charlie Brown.

Best of Dactyl
I just think that at some point you've made enough pumpkins.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Maybe I can carve out a jack-o-prompter..."

Best of Silhouette
Meanwhile, Putin pulls 5 train cars with his teeth.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Halt!," the security guard yelled. "The pumpkins in the cart are okay, but the ones in Mrs. Obama's pants still need to be paid for." The moment hung awkwardly among them for the rest of the day.

Best of metalgarth
"saved or created 4,000,000 gourds"

Best of Unscrupulous
Honey, did you know that The largest pumpkins are called Cucurbita Maxima? I think I'll make that my new pet name for your ass.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hmm... let's see, that guy will be a pumpkin wagon pusher, and the other guy can be um... a federal pumpkin wagon inspector," thought the President, "That's two more jobs created today - oh well no rest for the weary..."

Best of jj
These'll make great gifts for the Queen of England....once they're carved in my likeness.

Best of dadoctah
Meanwhile, back at the White House, a Portuguese water dog fantasizes about going after the Red Baron.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I'm sorry Mr. President, I shoulda kept my hands off Michelle, but you did ask with help pushing the wide load."

Smell The Cop

Schneider


1. "Hold me."

2. Cop thoughtbubble. "If the next words out of this punk's mouth are 'Mmmm, bacon' or any variation thereof, somebody's gonna be occupying an Emergency Room."

3."Remember when I used to kiss you gently between your nipples... like this? Why can't we go back to the way things were?"

4. "Let me get your badge number. I'm extremely near-sighted and refuse to give-in to Big Optometry."

5. Like many young males in the OWS movement, Ricky still struggles with his daddy issues.

Best of mpur
No, kid, you're confusing me with the guards at Buckingham Palace. I'm about to taze your ass.

Best of Unscrupulous
Gee your badge smells terrific.

Best of Dr. Doom
The recent introduction of scratch and sniff badges by the San Francisco Police Department has led to some interesting interactions at the Occupy Folsom Street demonstrations...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Protester Thawtbubble: Jack pooped on a cop car, so I guess I'll try snorting a snot bubble on a cop pen.

Best of metalgarth
And on the next Arrested Development: "George Michael meets the police officer that took his father into custody"

Best of Submariner
Officer O'Malley finds out that Axe doesn't "effect" only teen aged girls.

Best of Mr Hankey
Officer Wallace Street prefers not to be occupied.

Best of Mr. Right
Apparently, they really are *stinking* badges!

Best of Jack Reacher
ORA: "Okay, Officer Bat Guano, if that really is your name..."

Best of GregMan
The Love That Dare Not Speak It's Name is about to turn into The Smelly Hippie That Got His A$$ Kicked By A Cop.

Best of jj
Actually, all Stephen wanted was the word E C I L O P imprinted in his forehead. That way, whenever he looked into a mirror, he can remember the soon to be tasing...

Best of Rodney Dill
How to tell when a cop's gone bad.

Hey, Don't Interrupt Our Soccer Match with a Football Game

Al and Ace

 1. "Ew! Ew! Get it away from us!"

2. "That's a funky-looking buttplug."

3. "And looking down the field, he spots a pair of wide-open receivers." 

4. Lacking imagination, Bruce sometimes had to arrange a distraction to delay his orgasm.

5. "Oh, no, Bruce, this is terrible. Now, all the guys on the football team will know I'm a soccer player."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Budget cuts at the community college force the wrestling team to play alongside the football team.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Ooh look mate - there's some lovely scrotum exposure over there," cried Heath.

Best of Submariner
Who said our exposure to scr'um was unwanted?

Best of jj
After losing two games in a row, the Lions resort to some creative play calling.

Threadwinner: Dactyl
GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!!!

Best of Spin
Tom exclaimed: "There's no butt-f*cking in rugby"

Best of Vinneh
"Crap Bruce, there goes my suppository."

Monday, October 24, 2011

Doofus in Chief

Boonmattery


1. "Um, Mr. President, what have you been eating?"

2. ORA: "Love that Joker!"

3. "Go ahead, touch them. I can tell from the look on your face that you want to."

4. And then the Teleprompter said, "Smile like a total retard."

5. "I told you I had good sh-t, Mr. President. Want another hit?"

Best of Vinneh
"Excuse me Patty, did you make that dress from Qaddafi's scrap material"?

Best of metalgarth
They're real and they're mediocre!

Best of Dr. Doom
"Alright, who's the wise guy that put that line about juicy white meat in my bucket of chicken on my teleprompter?" asked the President.

Best of Dr. Doom
The scene moments before unwanted exposure to scrotum...

Best of Matt the K
Ummm...no matter how hard I try...I um still can't get my face as flat as yours.

Best of sifty
Why so stoopid?

Cain and Disabled


1. "Dammit, lady... I was not on Deep Space Nine, and I don't know who the f-ck 'Odo' is. Who the hell put my book signing at a Star Trek convention?"

2."Sure, I'll write 9-9-9 om your tits."

3. "Sure, Mrs. Clinton. I'll fetch you some coffee right away."

4. "My next impression... Bob Dole!"

5. "Naw, don't worry ma'am. I'm not actually going to whip anything out. It's just a caption."

Best of Vinneh
"No, I don't do weather reports."

Best of metalgarth
"I'm glad you like rice, but my name's not Ben and I'm not your Uncle"

Best of Mr Hankey
Of course, you’ll have the good taste not to mention that I spoke to you...
Yes ma'am

Best of dadoctah
"Okay, so that's one large thin crust with mushrooms and anchovies, and a side order of cheesy breadsticks."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Oh, yes ma'am, I've tons more weird ass ideas. I'm like Arthur Carlson of WKRP in Cincinnati, sitting in my office a'pondering and playing with rocketship pens... like this'n.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Ask me no crazy questions and I'll give you no wild-ass answers. Probably."

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Sunday NFL All-Skate



Best of Oiao
Fred an John get overly excited when the Cheer Squad thakes a Corn Dog break.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hey Alex Smith," yelled Bob and Ted, "Nancy Pelosi called and said you should throw a home run!"

Best of jj
Tom and Ernie realize that they have a drinking problem when they sober up and discover that they're at a Red Wings game.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Caturday



1. "OHAI, Army of Mom."

2. "Excuse me, would you have a minute to hear about the Church of Latter Day Pumas?"

3. "No, I don't think I'll be going to Occupy Pride Rock. Yeah, Mufasa's corrupt crony capitalism sucks, but you guys aren't proposing any workable solutions.:" Fluffy was sad to see another friend go Full Retard.

4. (Kitteh) "Hey, Mom, there's an NFC mascot at the door."

5. (Cougar) "Hi, I'm an out of work corporate mascot. Got any dealership signs you need posin' on?"

Best of Submariner
For some reason, Fluffy was always attracted to the "bad boys" in the neighborhood...

Best of dadoctah
: "Sure, technically it's unwanted exposure, but to tell the truth I've really got no problem with it."

Best of Mr. Right
What every kitteh sees when it looks in the mirror.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
CattyBubble: And this is why I hate blind dates.

Best of jj
15 year old Timmy just can't seem to get the hang of online dating yet and orders the wrong kind of cougar again...

Best of Dr. Doom
Jeff's internet search for 'pussy eating cougars' was a bit of a disappointment...

Threadwinner: Dactyl
Good afternoon, Ma'am, I'd like to tell you all about being a Jehovah's Witness. And then I'd like to eat you.

Best of mpur
"Oh, yeah," Fluffy said, "you're a big, tough wild animal and so much better than me. Excuse me while I go nibble on some tuna and then spend the afternoon curled up on the sofa in my 'prison'."

Best of Vinneh
"Quit f*#%ing around Morris, you finicky piece of shit and let me in."

Friday, October 21, 2011

The Barry and Moe Show (R)


1. "Greetings Brother Gaddaffy... Allah has sent me to guide you to heaven. Naw, just kidding, we're both going to Hell."

2."Nice drapes... reminds me of something M'Chel would wear."

3. Zombie Gadaffy enters the Obama White House searching for brains. Dies of starvation.

4. "Now that we've faked your death, Sheriff Joe can get you a job at the same 7-11 where we stashed Bin Laden."

5. "My creature requires a brain."

Best of Submariner
The Ghost of Jihad Present wakes up Barry from his Cabinet Meeting nap to deliver a warning...

Best of metalgarth
Did Corporal Klinger become the official spokesperson of the repeal of DADT?

Best of Oiao
"Greetings Brother Gaddaffy... I'm here to tell you that you have been voted off of the island."

Best of Dr. Doom
"No Muammar it is S-O-L-Y-N-D-R-A, you know with a 'Y'," repeated the President, "Trust me you won't be disappointed - what could go wrong?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Ah, you must be the new Jew... janitor. Excellent, excellent."

Best of Dactyl
"Nice, er, sleeping bag you're wearing."
"Thank you, mister president. I wore this in order to spare you any unwanted exposure to scrotum."
"Unwanted?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
My handler says that once I'm in the Attenuator Program, I just stand around blending into the crowd so the rebels will never find me. Sounds easy!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Before he married Michele, he had to ask her mother for her blessing.

Best of jj
Barry, "I really liked you in The Rockford Files".

Best of Vinneh
"Colonel Ghaddafi, if you don't return the bedspread to the Lincoln bedroom, I might have to kill you."

Screw MSDNC, Leanin' Backwards Is Just Fine!


1. Cissy was only somewhat disappointed that her search for "butt closures" and "anal fantasy" led to a second-rate pr0n site.

2. The identity of the Term Paper Spammer is delightfully revealed.

3. Cissy finishes her manifesto... 95% of which is on the topic of shoes and hair care.

4. "Yeah, I've found I've never really needed a bullhorn to get attention."

5. WARNING: Beware of a creepy cyberstalker who claims he can provide pedicures through your webcam.

.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Note: Not an Actual Firefighter



Best of mpur
Note: Actual skank.

Best of GregMan
I bet she gets her share of exposure to scrotum, unwanted or not.

Best of Steve O
The entire firehouse was happier after V the K was put in charge of Personnel and Recruiting.

(Except for dub - V)>

Best of Oiao
"Alex, What is Herpes for $300?"

Best of Spin
How do you spell hose?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Just because she's a b*tch with teats and fleas doesn't make her a Dalmatian.

Best of Submariner
Must be a Hooker/Ladder truck.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Dammit Doug! I told you to take those corners slower!"

Qaddafi Joins Arafat and Saddam in Hell


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Debate All Skate - Number 2




Best of metalgarth
Get your damn hands off my you dirty Mormon Ape!

Best of blue
"You have to take Michelle Bachmman home."
"No, you have to take her home!"

Best of John.....just John
I'll give you one instance where exposure to scrotum IS ok!

Best of Jack Reacher
"My tonsils were removed in 1974. How about you, Mr. Romney? What are you hiding?"

Best of Submariner
♪You. I got YOU babe...♫

Best of Vinneh
"You think I'm the Mormon Rick? Look how many wives Gingrich has."

Best of mpur
Mitt, I'm only gonna say it one more time: do not touch me with anything you don't want broken off and stuffed up your ass.

Debate All Skate - Number 1


Threadwinner: metalgarth
P.J. and Dolly, all grown up, debate the number of Family Circus strips drawn since 1970 that actually had a joke included.

Best of blue
"I served with Sarah Palin, I knew Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin was a friend of mine. Congresswomen, you're no Sarah Palin."

Best of dadoctah
"Touchdown!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"See, I have no corndogs hidden on my person."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Hold it, I have an idea. How many want to see Newt and I switch hair? Can I see a show of hands?"

Best of Submariner
Bachman Gingrich Overhype

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
NEWT: Y'know, up close you're hotter than most of the women with whom I committed adultery!

Best of Vinneh
The mime in the box is the last ditch effort in the hopeless debate bag of tricks.

Best of Passionate Conservative
I must, I must, I must increase my bust!

Bullhorn Bulldyke Bullsh1t



1. "Unwanted exposure to scrotum is never OK. Tuck it back in, Chaz Bono."

2. ORA: "I have a bullhorn, sir, and you will listen to every damn word I have to say."

3. Who says there are no attractive women in the Occupy Movement."

4.  To skip this message, hit the pound sign.

5. "Why won't anyone play tic-tac-toe on my arm?"

Best of metalgarth
And you thought Glee couldn't get any stupider!

Best of jj
...If any of you women get arrested, meet me in the shower for 'strategy sessions'.

Best of Jack Reacher
The un-aired, final episode of Nurse Jackie.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Remember, everyone, we parked in Goofy 7. Goofy 7."

Best of blue
"If you need to take a dump, the police cars are over there...."

Best of GregMan
I don't understand, the blond lesbian seemed so much hotter in the dirty movie I just watched...

Best of mpur
"Rapists. That is all."

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Meet the New Spock, Not Quite the Same as the Old Spock

News Item: Spock is a gay


1. Quinto thought bubble: "Ew! Ew! Ew! Get it off me! Get it off me!"

2. "Nope, it's just my phaser. I am not happy to see you."

3.Suddenly, Spock realized, "If we mind-meld, she'll know all about Mr. Sulu's Leather Bar and Watersports holodeck program."

4. "Thanks, Spock! I never would have been able to pick out such a fabulous cocktail dress without your help."

5. "Uhura, I can't help it. Every time Kirk says 'Captain's log' I get so damned turned on."

Best of Double The U
On a very special Star Trek titled "The Trouble With Testicles"

Best of blue
Spock: "I can't wait for the episode where we travel back in time to Castro & 17th St in San Francisco!"

Best of Censors Hip
Spock: "Oh baby, if only you were Chaz Bono!"

Best of metalgarth
It may not be logical to have man meat shoved up Uranus, but I like it anyways.

Best of Censors Hip
Uhura: "Oh baby, if only you were Chaz Bono!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"Frankly Lieutenant, your suggestion is both anatomically impossible and highly illogical," replied Spock.

Best of Rodney Dill
"What's that beeping?"
"Nothing, I just left the trigaydar on."

Best of jj
FLOTUS to Spock, "Look pointed-eared chalk faced alien, I'm a guest on your ship and I want ribs every day."

Best of Matt the K
Find your backside highly bootiliciacal

Best of Oiao
Ouch honey. You didn't tell me that it was pointed too!

The Goggles! They Do Nothing!



1. Your NEA tax dollars at work.

2. Progressive PBS fans were thrilled when Inflated Scrotum Man replaced Bob Ross.

3. Outraged San Franciscans insisted that the naked painter guy put on a Che Guevara shirt.

4. Most of his fellow protesters just hoped this guy would change his mind and Occupy a Pair of Pants instead.

5. Affirmative Action and a job opening for Police Sketch Artist collide in San Francisco.

Best of John.....just John
Yeah, meet me at the corner of Castro and 17th. I'll be the one with the black and white bandana on my head.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Hulk Hogan's really let himself go.

Best of Rodney Dill
Painting nudes - ur doin it rong.

Best of Jack Reacher
In the evenings Edward writes term papers for sale.

Best of dub
Whatever you do, dont ask Carl to paint anything brown. Trust me.

Best of divine miss m
Prickasso, before he found his true calling.

Best of Submariner
Like most Raiders fans, Carl wore facepaint to scare the opposition's fans on game day.

Best of JohnS1959
"What's that - we're supposed to be painting a nude?" Darren asked of his street art teacher, "Oh..."

Best of Dactyl
Is that a paintbrush in your flab folds or are you just happy to see me?
(Yeah, I really grossed myself out with that one and I thought I'd share.)

Monday, October 17, 2011

The SCOAMF Will Bow to Pretty Much Anything


1. "AH-CHOO!"

2. Anorexic failure tormented by visions of a dancing baby, just like an old episode of Ally McBeal.

3. Hillary's creation of a Mini-she only added to the SCOAMF's Misery.

4. "OK, um, if I, um, hide my eyes, you can, um, dig out my smokes from where M'Chel, um, hided 'em."

5. "And the best part of, um, bein' president, is you have so much coke you need both hands to scoop it up."

Best of metalgarth .
How cute. She left some "economic stimulus" in her diaper for the president.

Best of Dr. Doom .
"Really sir, the economic crisis won't go away because you cover your eyes with your hands. It is still there," said little Billy.

Best of jj .
Obama, "What you mean da-da? I haven't had a white women in....how old are you?"

Best of mpur .
Obama makes the E-trade baby his finance czar.

Best of dadoctah .
Leaving the Robot to guard the ship, Will Robinson and Doctor Smith investigate why there's a modestly-decorated Day's Inn all the way out here in uncharted space.

Best of sifty .
When I count to 10 you better have forked over the coke and the cash, little man. My Secret Service staff doesn't play.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae .
"That's right, that is, uh, 'grass' you, uh, found in there. I only use it for, uh, whenever I'm sick."

Best of Vinneh.
"Kid, Kevin Jennings's office is down the hall. Tell him, 'Barry says I'm your gift.'"

Best of GregMan .
Obummer holds his head in exasperation as another one of M'chell's lunches tries to escape.

A SCOAMF Every Day of the Week and Twice on Monday


1. When he hears the National Anthem, The SCOAMF puts his hand over his liver; it is, after all, where his bile is located.

2. "One handed top of the shirt breast exams are demonstrated by The SCOAMF and Mrs. The SCOAMF, in honor of breast cancer week.

3. The SCOAMF and his biyatch flash gang signs to their homies at Occupy Wall Street.

4. Although pressed by campaign consultants to do more Hispanic outreach, the Obama's hearts were obviously not in doing the Macarena.

5. "Finally!" exclaimed the SCOAMF. "An anthem I can totally get behind!"

Best of metalgarth
"Acid Reflux got you down?"

Best of GregMan
Well, we know where they were when their laxative kicked in...

Best of Dactyl
Barack thought bubble: "wow, my boobs are the nicest and perkiest ever!"

Best of blue
M'Chel whispers to Barry "...and if you don't introduce me to Ray Bradbury I'll tell where you really were born!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Repeat after me: I, state your name..."
"I, state your name..."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Bring us a shrubbery."

Best of Steve O
As any Democrat will tell you, expressions of disgust at having to listen as someone ELSE recites the pledge of allegiance is the HIGHEST form of patriotism.

Best of dadoctah
"This is the big one, Elizabeth! I'm comin' to join you!"

Best of Vinneh
Thinking they can regain the Jewish vote the Obamas recite the Pledge of Allegiance in Hebrew.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Directions for the 99%

Sunday All Skate


Best of dadoctah
Bipartisan compromise: it works just about this well.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Cat to Dog: Good thing we're not in Korea, Rex.

Best of Rodney Dill
Who took my cheese?

Best of Artfldgr
A year ago we both would have gone for it, but that's before they took our balls off...

Best of Artfldgr
Can humans count?

Best of Artfldgr
There used to be three of us...
now we wonder

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Hey, Would You Look At That


1. The Obama Administration said it was "deeply troubled" when an Iranian missile landed in Chesapeake Bay earlier this week, and said it would urge the UN to consider issuing strongly worded letter. The State Department urged caution, however.

2. "Aw, gee, that's gonna put a damper on our sodomy."

3. "I say, Screw those commie bastards, and screw their little wussy space station."

4."Ha! Missed us!"

5. "Oh, Sh-t. That was Lord Vader's Pimpmobile."

Salvaged from blue
"Looks like the Royal Navy fired a missile at M'Chel's ass. I can't see how they missed."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Well now what are we going to do?" asked the Vice President, "Our Space Czar was on that thing..."

Best of GregMan
"Well, that's the last of the manned space program. What part of Amerikkka do we destroy next?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"There goes our ride. Nice job, Gilligan."

Best of Jack Reacher
IMDB confirms Spencer Tracy never made a movie called "The Old Man And The Federally-Funded Sea Rocket."

Best of blue
"Dad, this must be real - Photoshop hasn't been invented yet!!!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Somewhere off the coast of Madagascar: Witnesses report seeing the Germans last attempt to bomb Pearl Harbor.

Best of Submariner
I don't care HOW he gets his groceries delivered, dad. I STILL think Aquaman's the gheyest superhero...

Best of GregMan
"I TOLD you not to hire a chief engineer who bought his term papers on the Internet!"

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Huh! Who-da-thunk-it? I guess you CAN knock one of those down with a .22 rifle and some hollow points.

Best of Vinneh
The men were in awe when an angry Paris Hilton threw her vibrator into the sea.

No Caption, Just This...

Friday, October 14, 2011

Hard Out Here For a Sith Lord

With Caps Blatantly Stolen from Morons


1. Is Darth gonna haveta choke a bitch?

2. "The power to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of my pimpslap."

3. "If this is a consular ship, WHERE are my bitches?"

4. "Young Streetwalker will soon be turned to the Dark Side."

5. What liberal white MSNBC hosts see when they look at Hermain Cain.

Best of dadoctah
Lesser-known Sith villain: Darth Flava.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Honestly, why all the uproar over CNN showing this autopsy photo of Michael Jackson?

Best of Kaptain Krude
Damn you George Lucas! Can't you leave well enough alone!

Best of Submariner
The flava is strong in this one...

Best of Mr. Right
Yo! Word to tha muthaship!

A Good Landing Is Any Landing You Can Walk Away From

A Great Landing Is When You Get to Use the Plane Again - Al


1. "Well, Stanley, this is another fine mess you've gotten me into."

2, "Oh, hey, look, they've got deep fried Snickers here. I've always wanted to try those!"

3. "Congratulations, you have passed the Delta Connection pilot exam."

4. "Um... Allahu Akbar?"

5."I blame Bush."

Best of blue
As Andy predicted, Conan crashed the TBS blimp

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Boy, that "Around the World in 80 Ways" show got really weird really quick.

Best of Rodney Dill
Iran space program.... Fail.

Best of metalgarth
Some of the Germans got lost on their way to bomb Pearl Harbor

Best of mpur
Recalculating.....

Best of GregMan
Carl figured that since he was a Community Organizer, he was qualified to do everything else, such as fly a plane or be President of the United States.

Best of Oiao
"Wow, that Corn Dog looks huge, even from up here. Look at how she is eating it."

Best of Dr. Doom
If the Obama Administration designed amusement park rides...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Retired Top Gun Maverick takes Viper up for a sentimental flyover of their now-converted air base. Ooopsie!

Best of Artfldgr
Hello? Statefarm?

Best of Submariner
Rule #1 in international intrigue;
Never call attention to yourself.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
♪ Ground control to major Tim
Forget protein pills, is that a ferris wheel you're in?? ♫

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Girls! Girls! Girls!

Everyday is Thursday @ The Brigade

Hinders

mixed with stills from 'Spaceballs' for some reason.


Then they turned around and displayed crotch bulges the size of Hyundais.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Lion King Meets The English Patient?

Brender


1. I forgot how weird those Scrubs cutaways were.

2. Finally, a suitable donor for Dick Cheney's heart transplant is located.

3. The Cowardly Lion's request for a sex change came as no surprise. After all, he was literally a 'friend of Dorothy.'

4. Fortunately, because he was a high-ranking administration official, the Circle of Life Panel approved Mufasa's heart surgery.

5. ORA:  "Wow, he really mauled the crap out of that bear in the waiting room."

Best of Rodney Dill
Guess I shouldn't have picked Ndamukong Suh for my fantasy team.

Best of Submariner
Why is the third doc from the left moving his tail out of the way, and where is the doc on the right's right hand?

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Guy holding the head: "Remember, it is absolutely imperative that we all keep our gauze masks in place to avoid infecting the patient."

Best of GregMan
Things just kept getting wierder at the Enumclaw STD Clinic.

Best of dadoctah
"I can haz rilly big innerveenis cheezburger?"

Best of Unscrupulous
Who knew the circle of life includes a rectal exam by five pre-med douche bags.

Best of Unscrupulous
Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom. Our kingdom now includes my ass hole.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Doctor: So, did any of you have to eat raw lion testicles as part of your intern hazing ritual?
Lion Thawtbubble: WHAT??? I'm just in here for a thorn in my paw!!!!

Best of racerboy
ORA: "I'm gonna get tutored!!!"

Best of dadoctah
It was either this or X-ray some Kardashian's ass. I drew the long straw.

Best of Dactyl
Feline suppositories, they're GRRRRREAT!!!

Best of Mr. Right
So what did you think was going to happen when Charlie Sheen ran short of tiger blood?

Best of Dr. Doom
"Well FML", thought Symba, "One minute you're King of the Jungle surveying all you command. The next some jacka$$ with a tranquilizer gun shows up and you're in Enumclaw about to star in someone's anal fantasy..."

Best of Dactyl
Turns out that wasn't courage after all. It was meth.

Best of Steve O
Deleted scenes from The Hangover.
The original plot had taken a different direction.

Message in a Bottle


1. Dawn's boyfriend takes in a bottle of 'liquid courage' and prepares to give her the lovin' she demands.

2. "Does your Facebook profile pic enhance or diminish your employment prospects? Let's discuss."

3. Because he drank vodka instead of smoking pot, Lamal was frequently accused of 'acting white.'

4. "Damn, now everybody is gonna assume I drink because I'm lazy and irresponsible, and not because it helps me cope with my crazy momma down in Zucotti Park wearing Depends on her head, cursing the "damn Jews" for not recognizing her as the "Queen of All Persia."

5. Spot the signs you've picked a bad abortion doctor.


Best of Dr. Doom
After deciding he would like to be President someday, Jammal begins the hard work of setting the bar lower...

Best of jj
As M'chelle prepares in one room for her yearly mating ritual, her 'donor' prepares in another.

Best of Dactyl
I say, Lance, Chip, Winthrop, watch me pretend to be "gangster" by taking a photograph of myself in the mirror with a cheap printed t-shirt and some gin in a plastic (chortle) bottle! We'll send the photo to the Lifestyle department at the New Haven Times-Courier. I tell you it'll be two hoots!

Best of Vinner
Economic hard times have hit The Ladies' Man as his Courvosier has been replaced with Ripple.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Hold Me

The Brigade



1. "Jeez, it was just a mouse. What are you, the reincarnation of Don Knotts?"

2. "And I-I-I-I-I-I will always love you-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u!"

3. ORA: The Indian Army regretted letting Annie Liebovitz do an "embed."

4. Grace Jones supports the USO by personally breast-feeding the troops.

5. "You guys! We are never gonna win the ballroom dance competition without a little thing called 'Syncopation.' Now, let's take it from the top."

Best of metalgarth
Gayest. GI Joe Figures. Ever.

Best of Double the U
And yet there was a solution to the military's cutbacks on body armor

Best of Dr. Doom
After the demise of DADT, the army reorganized and placed all of its gay soldiers in the new 69th Special Ops Battalion. The 'Fabulous 69th' was immediately deployed to southeastern Afghanistan to guard against back door attacks from Pakistan...

Best of sonicfrog
# 3 in the list of 6 ways not to tie your shoes.

Best of dub
Hey Akhmad, the sign says "no man riding".

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sweetie says, "Maybe it helps them appreciate what pregnant women endure for 9 months?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"There there, I'm sure it wasn't the only Old Navy in the area. We'll find another one, and then you can buy all the cardigan sweaters that you want. Doesn't that sound nice?" The soldiers then went on high alert, but it was only the sound of Dawn's head exploding.

Best of Submariner
You ARE a "Lance Corporal" aren't you?

Best of Rodney Dill
"I don't care what Teh Stinger says, I'm riding."

Best of Dactyl
Predator drone operators see the strangest things sometimes...

Because It's Illegal ... and Really Emo...

Gay Patriot


1. Leopold and Loeb try some focus grouping.

2. And the back of the sign says "Because there's no forced sodomy like prison forced sodomy."

3. "Gay Vampires Against Capitalism" -- another part of the 99%.

4. "Hey! Did that zombie chant just say 'You can have sex with animals?' Ooooh, I know what I want  tonight."

5. Because it's the difference between a fabulous memorial page in the yearbook and a tacky orange jumpsuit?

Best of sonicfrog
And not by coincidence, California Governor Jerry Brown just happened to sign that prosecutable exemption into law just yesterday!

Best of Submariner
When did Tom Cruise dye his hair blonde?

Best of blue
"Oh Honey, I just wish one of us could get pregnant so we could have an abortion....."

Best of jj
I'd carry that sign too if my parents were Rosie O'Donnell and Michael Moore.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I'm betting there's so much fingerpointing going on inside that scrawny pale bast*rd's home, one of his parents loses an eye.
"Your sperm's defective."
"Nope, he ain't mine."
"He IS too yours!

Best of Dr. Doom
The OFS (Occupy Folsom Street) movement was much smaller than hoped but the signs were FABULOUS...

Best of Jack Reacher
"You're not one of the guys who writes those term papers, are you? Because I don't see a wide appeal for your thesis, I'm just sayin'."

Best of GregMan
Not surprisingly, his parents paid for that sign.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Pull My Finger


1. Governor Christie is overjoyed when the C-5 arrives with his lunch order.

2. "It's skywriting from Bill Kristol. It says, 'Declare and I will...' I'm afraid it gets rather filthy after that, Governor."

3. "Well, so much for Air Force 1. Guess we know what happened to those Libyan missiles now. So, how 'bout some lunch. Red Robin, anybody?"

4. Standard Caption #8: "Aiyeeee,,, Gojira!"

5. "Hey, look, the Goodrich blimp," said the Governor, who loved giving his aides an ORA every once in a while.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Well, Governor, I guess it would be cool, as you say, if the sandwiches on the Subway billboard were real."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The judge declared all upskirts taken during the attack of the 50-ft tall woman lawfully obtained, but asked counsel to send 8x10-ft glossies to his chambers for further "review."

Best of Unscrupulous
You were right sir. That hot air balloon just took off like a rocket when you stepped off of it. Well I'll be danged.

Best of Double the U
And there is NJ's biggest threat Sir, it is the stench cloud from the occupy Wall Street protesters.

Best of Submariner
Fuggly naked gal, third floor, second window from the right...

Best of GregMan
Here come the Germans to attack Pearl Harbor again!

Best of Rodney Dill
"It says, Surrender Dorothy"

Best of Dactyl
That cloud looks like a bunny, and that one looks like a Predator drone, and that one looks like a nice Philly cheesesteak. Say, you guys hungry? *Snort* look who I'm talking to, of course you are.

Best of Oiao
"Look! Its a Unicorn with flames coming out of its ass and loosing altitude! Is that a little black kid riding it? Nah, just Obama..."

Best of Vinneh
"Da plane! Da plane"!

Best of prince of leaves
"The top-secret ultrasound imagers we used are showing us that Hoffa is in the concrete of the upper deck, at the base of that light tower right there..."

Best of sifty
If you look really carefully you can see the top of Obama's deficit.

Best of JohnS1959
"Look there guys, if you stare into the sun and squint, you can see the last glimmer of hope for the economy as it dies of neglect", said Steve.

SCOAMF Story Time


1. "... and the brilliant, handsome man promised them hope and change and the children loved him forever and ever... unless they wanted to see their parents rounded up and sent to the FEMA camps."

2. "You see, um, children... some people, have, um... more puppies than they should and um, they should all die."

3. "That's right, children. Um, everybody who turns in their parents to Attack Watch gets a puppy."

4. "But, sadly, the obstructionist Republicans in Congress didn't want any children to have any puppies at all..."

5. Tragedy ensued when one child asked if the puppy was "spayed" and got hauled off to sensitivity camp for using a racial epithet.

Best of Jack Reacher
Investigation reveals the Solyndra loan documentation displayed a startling lack of specifics.

Best of rodney dill
"I Won!!!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Then, M'chell pulled out her eatin' shovel and scooped up... a puppy!!!

Best of blue
"Yes children, unless I am re-elected, your mommy will be forced to cook a puppy for your dinner!!"

Best of jj
It's ironic that there is a picture of Moe Howard on the wall. So does that make obama and biden Larry and Curly?

Best of Submariner
M'Chel has some, uh, great recipes for, uh, them. They fit, uh, perfectly! uh, on her, um eatin' uh, shovels...

Best of Dr. Doom
As it turns out, Uncle Zeituni's Cabin was not the page turner the White House Press Secretary had hoped for...

Best of Dactyl
Barack Obama: not that good at peek-a-boo.

Best of prince of leaves
"Today, children, we're going to be learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Ew, someone puked on the floor. Can we get a Jew... a janitor in here?"

Best of Oiao
Irony = When a two dimensional caricature of you has more depth than your 3 dimensional life.

Sunday, October 09, 2011

Genius Protester of the Day



Best of Passionate Conservative
Charlene Johnson begs for taxpayer supported sterilization of the mentally impaired...namely, herself.

Best of flash template
Very actual information for me! Thanks a lot!

Best of Dr. Doom
Strangely enough, this is very factual information for @Flash Template...

Best of Dr. Doom
When NEA members also belong to the NOW, Freudian slips are bound to occur...

Best of RonF
Another protester against cuts in sex education funding.

Best of Steve O
...from someone will is unlikely to even "need" pubic education.

Best of Steve O
Sorry honey, but I'm guessing you'll be better off selling drugs with Miss 99%.

Best of metalgarth
ORA: That's why the Catholic School Girls were in trouble.

Best of GregMan
I didn't know Mary Kay Letourneau was at OWS.

Friday, October 07, 2011

That's One Big Frakkin' Onion



1. "Ah'm gonna call yew Lurlene."

2. "This must be that Onion thing all the young'uns are excited about. Smells pretty snarky."

3. Dick Cheney willed his left testicle to his loyal manservant, Carstairs.

4. M'Chel's menstrual flow turned out to make awesome fertilizer.

5. And you thought Richard Gere had a bizarre fetish.

Best of Rodney Dill
I'd like the martini that one is the garnish for.

Best of dadoctah
"Just once", thought Colonel O'Neill, "I'd love it if the alien ambassador was a guy in suit."

Best of double the U
Senile Frank Perdue tried cross breading anything in an effort to make pre-spiced chicken.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The townsfolk were thrilled when the driver stopped his truck and handed each a pod... everyone slept very soundly that night.

Best of Unscrupulous
A prenatal Steve Jobs in his iPod.

Best of prince of leaves
(unscrupulously ripping off Unscrupulous) A Steve Jobs clone nearly ready to emerge from its iPod.

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: when she saw Jack's profile picture, the Log Lady knew she had at long last found her perfect E-Harmony matchup.

Best of The Watcher
They're here already! You're next! You're next, You're next...!

Best of prince of leaves
"Eeyup. Hard to believe that for all those years my left testicle was an encysted parasitic twin!"

Best of Submariner
"I will love him, and pet him, and call him George..."

Best of Whacko
Vlad felt protected from vampires now that he had the mother of all garlic cloves. Lower back and neck readjustments would come later.

Best of Adriane
Only the original screen writers knew that "That's no onion ... That's a space station!" originally was originally in the script for Uncle Owen.

Best of jj
The real reason Jim & Tammy Faye wept so much on the air is revealed.

Best of metalgarth
It was all over once the Veggie Tales went live action

Best of JohnS1959
Bob Smith, aka the Vegetable Whisperer revealed the secret of his remarkable talent to this reporter in an interview last week. Said Mr. Smith, "Well sir, I just read the President's economic policy speeches to them. It is better fertilizer than Miracle Grow."

The Other White Meat


1. Turns out Babe was into some pretty serious kink.

2.Ginger and Mary Ann welcome Arnold Ziffle to Gilligan's Island. Later, Gilligan hits him up for weed.

3. Of all the pointless OWS protests, Occupy Honolulu was my favorite.

4. "All right, tell John Hammond we've rounded up some bait for the Tyrannosaurus trap."

5. Whoever remade this version of Lord of the Flies has my total support.

Best of Rodney Dill
This little F----- won't be cryin' wee wee wee all the way home no more.

Best of VInneh
Switching to white meat, Lady Gaga's latest wardrobe is about to be prepared.

Best of dadoctah
"If only we had a really huge onion to go with the roast pork...."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Seemed like a simple Survivor Challenge... recreate a TV or movie skit with this prop. Sadly, Barb & Shelly couldn't hoist the dead weight while singing Spider Pig Spider Pig. The winning team reprised "Weekend at Bernies."

Threadwinner: metalgarth
the stuff you'll find on Kermit's hard drive...

Best of blue
next on Fox: Muslim Women Gone Bad!!!

Best of dadoctah
"It followed us home, Mom! Can we keep it?"

Best of Dr. Doom
Watson: "Why that is truly amazing Holmes. How did you know that gentleman was from Enumclaw?"
Holmes: "Elementary my dear Watson. When I showed him this picture, the first thing he noticed was the swine, the next was that the swine was immobilized, and finally that the young ladies would not be able to hold it high enough..."