Friday, September 30, 2011

People of Target

Fire at will!


Best of prince of leaves
"One-stop shopping, my t'gla." Forgetting it's Virginia, Michelle is irritated to discover she'll have to make a second stop to pick up a case of Klingon bloodwine at the VABC store.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Darn it", thought the First Lady, "Where will I ever find truffle butter and gold leaf for our picnic in Vail?"

Best of Mr. Right
Well, all those fantabulous boob belts aren't just going to buy themselves!

Best of GregMan
"So this is where the common people shop. How sad."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
DISCLAIMER: None of the 382 shoppers held against their will behind a riot fence so one woman could breeze through checkout were harmed during the making of this photo op.

Best of jimmy
M'Chel surrounds herself with as many reds as she can without actually going to one of Barry's cabinet meetings.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Wow, Chaz Bono! I'm a big fan! Can I get an autograph, Mr. Bono?

Best of jj
Damn, there's more targets here than in Yemen....or Wasilla...

A weak Sci-Fi Friday Offering


1. Mormons in space.

2.  Say what you will, the Solyndra offices were kind of cool.

3. Starbucks remodels all 450,000 stores, but retains the crappy jazz music.

4. "I like my coffee like I like my First Ladies; cold, black, and bitter.

5. He: "The replicator must be malfunctioning. This coffee tastes like someone peed in it." She: "Alternately, the replicator may be working fine and the douchebag who made someone sleep on the wet spot is getting it right back."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Yes I suppose we could program the food replicator to provide butt closures", replied Adara, "But why would you want to?"

Best of Whacko
"I like your outfit too. Just like I like the same outfit on all 3 billion people of this godforsaken futuristic planet"

Best of dadoctah
"I see you've got the new iPad 27."

Best of GregMan
"If you have to spill it at least try to spill it on your left arm so the stain won't show."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Timmy, with men's uniforms, the orange sleeve goes on the right. Yeah, sure, "the laundrybot made a mistake." Like I haven't heard that one before, you cross-dressing perv.

Best of blue
I'd invite you over to my place buy I share with 255 other clones...

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"hey baby, what say we take off our orange virginity sleeves?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Coffee?"
"Yes, I know."

Best of JohnS1959
"Computer - analyze etymology of the phrase Go kiss a moose", ordered Lt. Jones after his latest rejection...

Best of Matt the K
"Ok, YES, I know there's a midget dangling from my armpit. DEAL with it."

Moose Smooch


1. Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker were one of Hollywood's most enduring couples.

2. "So, you're the chick with the long legs and a big rack?"


3. "And to think this started when I got you down from that tree."

4. The relationships you form at Wassamatta U can last a lifetime.

5. Sometimes, a secret agent must do whatever it takes to complete the assignment, even seduce the Canadian ambassador.

Best of GregMan
Perverted Stalker, I mean author Joe McGinniss is getting way too creepy with his Sarah Palin obsession.

Best of Adriane
um, Dad, when I asked if you liked chocolate mousse ...

Best of metalgarth
Moosehead Lager is the official sponsor of Alaska's First ever "Folsom Street Fair"

Best of Dr. Doom
At Enumclaw Taxidermy 'stuffing a moose' begins with foreplay...

Best of Rodney Dill
By day, former Governor of Alaska, by night with a full moon, Mooseferatu.

Best of Whacko
Cooter of Dismal Seepage, Maine demonstrates why and how he won the moose calling contest.

Best of Mr. Right
ORA: Despite all the repeated ping-pong ball attacks, the love between Mr. Moose & Mr. Greenjeans endured the test of time.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Dear Penthouse, I never EVER thought I'd be writing...

Best of Matt the K
"Watch me pull a redneck out of my mouth."

Best of Submariner
When did Streisand dump Brolin?

Best of dadoctah
Mr Sheen, I was under the impression that you'd gotten all of that out of your system!

Best of Censors Hip
Frostbite Falls has something for everyone!

Best of Oiao
Frank. When we said go bag a moose we didn't mean make love to it!

Best of jj
Fredo, you betrayed me!!

Best of JohnS1959
In the 1970's aging TV sitcoms were forced to 'Jump the Shark' to hold onto their dwindling audience. Today aging reality TV shows are forced to kiss the moose...

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Cleaned Out


1. "Uh, yeah, Hello, Dawn? Listen girl they are all out of malt liquor, you want me to pick you up some fortified wine instead. Now, girl, don't let your head explode, it ain't my fault they's out."

2."No, we ain't caught Rosie O'Donnell yet, but we're getting closer."

3. "I'll have to call you back, we've just reached the Aisle of Obama's Successes."

4. "What? You're a janitor, not a Jew? That's the last time I go to the Obama Dating Service."

5. "Sorry Dawn, they're all out of Butt Closures AND Anal Fantasy."

Best of Dr. Doom
In this scene we see the butt closures aisle at a typical San Francisco Wal-Mart on any given Friday afternoon...

Best of GregMan
"What? You says the flash mob was at 5, not 6? Where I gonna get my groceries now?"

Best of jj
Hello, M'chelle...naw...dey all out of ribs...

Best of dissertation proposal
Hey what was happaning there!

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hey Mom come quick", said LaShaniqua, "They're almost out of hope and change..."

Blue Tent on a Beach with a lot of Bottles

Al


1. Every other day, a payloader drops by to round up Randi Rhodes's empties.

2. This must be the tent dub retreated to after last Saturday's "Mud Hawgs" pic.

3. Cleaning up the bottle of Dom Perignon after one of M'Chel's intimate soirees creates or saves one or two jobs, anyway.

4. I see Mr. Elizabeth Warren has imbibed enough "liquid courage" to make love to Mrs. Elizabeth Warren.

5. Piles like this appeared all over the country as men tried to drive the image of Nancy Grace's nip-slip out of their minds.

Best of JohnS1959
"1000 bottles of beer, oh everyone loves to sing the song all right", lectured Mr. Gore, "But do they ever think of the ecological impact?"

Best of jj
The new Finance Czar looks for ways to repay the Chinese debt...

Best of metalgarth
Maybe Boris Yeltsin is going to announce his intention to run for president?

Best of Submariner
Da-amn! Even after cleaning out every bottle of Massengills for a three county radius, M'Chel STILL has that not -so-fresh feeling! And with good reason...

Best of Kaptain Krude
Man, the alcohol consumption on the weekends at the Kennedy compound has really dropped ever since Teddy kicked the bucket.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

A New Movie from France (of Course)


The Cake Is A Lie


1. Andrew Sullivan was touched that Anderson Cooper remembered his birthday.

2. The Obama Bakery delivers their trademark Buttercream Frostedcake to a Scissorable Hairline.

3.  Brucey awakes to a subtle hint that today is Roger's birthday.

4.  "Someone left the cake out under some faggot's head/I don't think I can take it/'Cos it took so long to bake it..."

5. As a Type 1 diabetic, Rick was convinced the tooth fairy was mocking him.

Best of sonicfrog
Andrew Sullivan just can't understand why no one came to his "Celebrate The Greatness Of Obama" party.

Best of Rodney Dill
There is not cake, there is no ice cream, Happy Birthday... well, there is no ice cream.

Best of mpur
Andrew was starting to question his decision to hire that Guatemalan maid.

Best of gay Homer
"Mmmmmmmm, cake with extra topping, drooooooooooooool"

Best of blue
dreaming of butt closure

Best of Submariner
Ennui; even your party won't release me...

Best of Dr. Doom
I see that Michael Moore's Pillow Diet is catching on with certain liberal demographics...

Best of metalgarth
'Ace of Cakes' has officially jumped the shark.

Best of Adriane
For those special occasions when some one asks you, 'Cake or Death?' ... and all you can say is ... "Yes" ...

Best of Matt the K
ORA: So THAT'S what that Stone Temple Pilot song's about...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Morty's wife wasn't what you'd call the subtle type. He won't be forgetting her birthdays OR their anniversary ever again. Not surprisingly, he now takes the trash out every night AND picks his dirty socks off the floor.

Best of Double the U
As Ron lay in bed thinking about his recent divorce from Edith, he reviewed his recent decisions and is starting to understand why you can't have cake and Edith too.

Best of Oiao
Thought bubble: "Only one more day until the Folsom Stree Fair in SF and I get to go as Cake Boy.

Best of Dactyl
Although Hansel and Gretel eventually escaped from the witch with the gingerbread house, they couldn't escape the emotional scars. Hansel in particular displayed peculiar coping mechanisms.

Batt Closure


1. As it turned out, Ang Lee couldn't do any more damage to the Batman franchise than Joel Schumacher did.

2."You have five minutes to put my outfit, and yourself, back in the closet," ordered Army of Mom.

3. It's amazing what Barney Frank can do with an Italian boy and a Lady Bic.

4. Unfortunately, Wayne Enterprises was heavily invested in Solyndra and Bruce Wayne had to work the day shift at a gay strip club to make ends meet.

5. "I'll take 'Things Andrew Sullivan Has Stuffed Dollar Bills into the Crotch Of' for $200, Alex."

Best of Rodney Dill
This fall from Abercrombie and Fitch -- The Bats-tard

Best of metalgarth
Turns out his Batmobile is a brown Ford Probe with way too many miles on it.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Holy sock puppets Batman", exclaimed Robin upon seeing the Caped Crusader's new bulge, "That will certainly distract the Penguin!"

Best of jj
I DO NOT want him to turn around and show me the entrance to his bat-cave!

Best of dadoctah
"Criminals are a superstitious cowardly lot, so my disguise must be able to strike terror into their hearts. I must be a creature of the night, black, terrible..."

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
This Batman eats a different kind of hot dog.

Best of Submariner
I guess Johnny Weir has picked out his Trick and Treat outfit for this year, eh?

Monday, September 26, 2011

Happy Liberal Women


1. M'Chel pretended to listen to Barry's speech, but she was really wondering where she could go to get help for Malia and Sasha on their term papers; perhaps an on-line essay service of some sort.

2. The Westminister Dog Show has nothing on any gathering of Democrat women.


3. "Pssst, what do you say we dip out of here and hit Old Navy."

4. Have you ever wondered why 40% of all male Democrats are gay. Have you really?

5. Uninspired by the performance, M'Chel prepares to signal thumbs down so that the victor would ram his gladius through the loser's skull in a gory tribute to her husband's reign.

Best of Dr. Doom
Symposia we'll never see:
NOW - Basic Sandwich Making...
Personal Responsibility and the Liberal Agenda...
NAACP - Preventing Unnecessary Head Explosions...
Media Objectivity for Dummies...
Organize a Community, Ruin a Nation

Best of blue
"Damn, after sitting with all these little people, I'll need a shower!"

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "OK. I've indulged the big-eared half-breed by sitting through this boring sh!t, so he owes me another vacation. Bali this time? And another set of diamond crusted cuffs. Definitely."

Best of Oiao
Cast of Gray's Anatomy, season 45 at the Progressive TV Longevity Awards show.

Menage a trois


1. Is there anything the SCOAMF doesn't need a Teleprompter for?

2. "Just tell the peasants these $40,000 diamonds have created or saved a million jobs. They usually fall for that sh-t."

3. Nothing gets M'Chel hotter than blood diamonds.

4."Take me into those manly arms and make me feel like a woman." "Whatever you say, Barry."

5. "Barry, let's skip the stuttering and get straight to the clusterf-ck."

Best of jj
Barry, "You damn well better keep that jaw hinged!"

Best of Submariner
This one time at Bolshevik camp?

Best of metalgarth
ORA: Big Jim Slade will be taking over in 3... 2... 1...

Best of Steve O
Giving your wife the "bro-pat" is not going to score you any p'tang later.
Not that it matters much here.

Best of GregMan
"Let's make love by the light of a burning Amerikkkan flag!"

Best of mpur
Gay porn, VtheK? Really?

Best of blue
"... and if I let you go on another vacation will you wear the Sarah Palin mask tonight?"

Best of Steve O
"Barry da P" gives mad props to his shawty.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

I find this FUNNEH!

So Long to All That

In honor of the cancellation of 'All My Children,' we bring back a blast of Soap Opera Saturday


Best of Matt the K
Bruce: "Lance, I appreciate your sense of chivalry but we both know YOUR ass is WAY too waller'd to have farted those paintings off the wall."

Best of Matt the K
A breeder, huh?... Oh-kay, we can keep her-- but you got to promise to take care of her, OK?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Charlie Sheen quote of the day:
Nothing puts a damper on using a prostitute more than when the pimp stands there and supervises.

Best of Rodney Dill
"This is too much, if you don't straighten those pictures right now, I'm gonna throw up right on your carpet."

Best of jimmy
Ryan breaks the news to Greenlee: they've been cancelled in favor of "Slightly Extreme Makeover: Home Edition". Basically, they just trash the set and spend the rest of the hour crying over made-up backstories of over-the-top despair and suffering. Jonathan stoically points out it won't be much different than what was on before.

Best of jj
Thought bubble on right, "Wait'll he finds that she has a penis bigger than Ron Jeremy".

Mudhawgs

Blame Al


Best of V the K

"Madame Secretary, this was the best State Department retreat ever!"

Best of Submariner
David Attenborough whispered voiceover; "This is so exciting! It is EXTREMELY rare to witness a pod of female hippos leaving the safety of their riverine homes and headed to out on their annual shopping pilgrimmage to Old Navy..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Head 'em up, Move 'em out, Rawhide!

Best of Rodney Dill
That's no moon....

Best of Rodney Dill
220, 221 whatever it ....
wait, scratch that
320, 321 whatever it takes.

Best of Oiao
Amazon Oilfield Roustabouts.

Best of blue
Hilary and M'Chel lead the women of the democrat party to the convention to vote.

Best of metalgarth
Proof that Samuel L. Bronkowitz's standards could be lowered.

Best of Dr. Doom
We shall call it Dub World...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
If "You are what you eat" the ones in back must feed entirely on Crisco.

Best of Oiao
Peter North, well documented for huge volume of, well, ya know, was actually embarrased after his first film involving a colonic scene gone bad.

Best of Rodney Dill
Rinsing off gray matter from another Dawn head explosion.

Best of GregMan
See, this sort of thing is what gives flash mobs a bad name.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Dawn, I Hope You Got Some Duct Tape for your Head



1. "Good, we're all here. The first meeting of the Obama 2012 Committee, Southeast Philadelphia Chapter, may be called to order."

2. "I wish the Eagles won every Sunday!"

3. "All this looting made me hungry. I'm gonna order a pizza. Keep your bat handy."

4. Troy Davis's friends console themselves after their loss. (Too Soon?)

5. And the spinoff show, The Price Is Right - Philadelphia, proceeds to the Showcase Round.

Best of Mr. Right
"Where the white sales at?"

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"At Panther Priceclub, we beat the competition's prices! Hell, we'll beat the competition!"

Best of Vinneh
Black Friday sales came way early this year.

Best of sonicfrog
Fresh from their pillaging of Gibson Guitars, the Feds have a go at WalMart!

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
You guys don't have to hide your faces anymore; it's been 6 years since Katrina.

Best of Artfldgr
I love the new EBT

Best of prince of leaves
While the other guys all got cool electronics and new sneakers, Gary the Slave was overjoyed with his new diamond earrings.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"How much would you pay for all of this neat stuff? Don't answer yet, we're just getting started! We'll also throw in these great diamond earrings! But wait, there's more!" The Home (Theft) Shopping Network has fallen on hard times.

Best of Dr. Doom
Finally safe in their hideout on the front range after a long night of looting and a high speed chase, Jamarcus exclaims, "Boy that F-18 pilot was hard to shake, I hope he didn't see us duck into the cabin.."

Best of jj
With Kwame Kilpatrick now out of prison it's back to business as usual in Detroit...

Best of Dr. Doom
Eventually the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles went bad...

Best of Steve O
The staff from AttackWatch.com shows off their new high-tech equipment.

The First and Last Day of Autumn



1. Attack Watch takes care of an Obama critic.

2."Has, um, anyone, um, seen, um, M'Chel's, um, 'back massager.'"

3. Dick Cheney deals conclusively with those kids who were on his lawn.

4. In October 2015, Obama finally locates the last surviving capitalist in America and "takes the son of a bitch out."

5. Bender was a reluctant test subject for Dr. Farnsworth's catapult.

Best of Rodney Dill
    USPS collaborates with the DOD to improve upon delivery times.

Best of JohnS1959
    Termite problem solved in 3...2...1...

Best of Rodney Dill
    "Toldya not to shoot first on the Deathstar, Pa."

Best of Rodney Dill
    "Where'd NASA say that satellite was comin' down again ma?"

Threadwinner: Silhouette
    We're safe. I secured all the windows with butt closures.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    ORA: "The bay doors open and out falls Calvin, the C-bomb!"

Best of Oiao
    If you look really, really closely, you can see Slim Pickins riding that thang!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Something goes horribly wrong when the limo fails to pick up the Flokner family right before the season premier of ABC's Extreme Makeover begins with a bang.

Best of Matt the K
    Yippie yi Ohhhhh
    Yippie yi yaaaaay
    Ghost Dildos in the Sky

Best of Submariner
    "Achmed! Will you stop that infernal whistling?"
    "I'M not whistling Farouq; I thought YOU were..."

Best of Steve O
    In response to complaints that "all they did was to create 10 more terrorists," the CIA kills 10 more terrorists.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Wednesdays with Carpy von Phloggy


Putin On The Ritz
1. When he arrives, we'll offer Kim Jong-iL as much wheat as he can carry... in these. I'm such a stinker.
2. Just think, long ago these may have held someone's hope & change. I thought Obamalama might like them as keepsakes.
3. Well yes, they're stamped "Made in Japan 1954", but I'm told that's BC.
4. Lenscrafters Ad: If you think that's a cameltoe, you need new glasses.
5. Why are these Greek fishermen chortling? What does "salting the mine" mean??
6. This is a real tourist trap. Paid good rubles for a diving adventure and all I got were these broken amphorae and sand in my buttcrack.
7. I'm told these were once used as male chastity cages. Greeks must be hung like minotaurs.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Nyet", replied Mr. Putin, "They were only 75 meters down, why would I need to make squishface with hanky?"

Best of Rodney Dill
The years have not been kind to AquaMan

Best of dadoctah
Nice jugs, Vlad!

Best of prince of leaves
"You're right," Putin scoffed, "they're just not as impressive as the thirteen golfballs Obama had to fish out of water hazards on *his* latest vacation..."

Best of Double the U
In Russia, big jugs are a crime.

Best of Steve O
"I don't always drink beer, but when I do I prefer Dos Equis."

Best of Silhouette
"Really, he waved? Vhat a dork."

Best of GregMan
In Russia, amphoras discover you!

Best of USMC2841
You know, Our fearless leader took a pottery class once.

Best of Submariner
I've heard the Amerikkkan President found a diving coin in the kiddy pool...

Best of Vinneh
"Quick, someone unzip me I have to fart"!

Six Shooter

Brender

1. "Bring up Gardasil one more time, Bachmann. One. More. Time."

2. "So, I whip this out at the next debate, Romney screams and runs around like a little girl, and the nomination is mine."

3. In his off-hours, Rick Perry enjoys re-enacting Magnum PI episodes. Being invited to play Higgins is considered quite a coup in Texas political circles.

4. "Maybe I should have said Social Security was a 'Fonzie Scheme." A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-y!"

5. "Don't wanna play Russian roulette with me? Well, then just pack up your vagina and leave."

Best of mpur
And you thought the Gardasil injection was bad.

Best of Dr. Doom
"No sir, I'm not going to commute your client's sentence", explained Mr. Perry, "I'm going to carry it out..."

Best of USMC2841
This was the only one left after the Fast and Furious boys cleaned us out.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Great Horny Toads"

Best of Rodney Dill
Yipee Kiyay M----- F-----

Best of jj
Where do the batteries go??

Best of Cowboy Diplomacy
This is getting ridiculous. Bring Mr. Cleve Foster to my office, would you please.

Best of metalgarth
"The governor did it in the library with a revolver"

Best of GregMan
"Under my administration, when those Germans try to bomb Pearl Harbor again we're gonna be READY for 'em!"

Best of prince of leaves
Alfred: "I see we're preparing for another night on the town fighting crime. Shall I warm up the Batmobile, sir?"

Best of Dactyl
Okay, Axelrod, ten bucks says the first shot takes that toupee right off your pointy head and doesn't even singe the skin.

Best of Oiao
"After party nomination, and at the first real debate, the Telepromter get one through each screen!"

Best of Vinneh
"Let Brian Williams ask me another dumbass question"!

Best of Submariner
"Let the Wookie win?" I kinda don't f'in' THINK so.

Best of Submariner
Let that be a lesson that I expect to hear a "Harumph" out of every one of you!

Jerk


Best of metalgarth
ORA: "Hiel Myself"

Best of mpur
Where's SCOAMF?

Best of Rodney Dill
Obama: "...and my friend to my right, Mr. Wilson..."

Best of Mr. Right
Facepalm --- FAIL!!!

Best of GregMan
ORA: Obammy was as bad at "How Not To Be Seen" as he was at everything else.

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Would the least qualified person here please raise their hand?...Thank you.."

Best of Double the U
Okay.... Who will not be here in 2013?

Best of Submariner
It happens every year at Jimmeh Cahtuh Elementary - some retard in Ms. Johnson's Special Ed Class screws up the class photo.

Best of Submariner
Who wants to skip Economics and go straight to recess?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
No way he was born in the USA. Clown can't even make the devil's horns in a class photo!

Best of Vinneh
To save money the UN took everyone over to Olan Mills.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Princess Boy, 40 Years Later


1. Senator Lindsay Graham as seen by Shallow Hal.

2. Of course he's not a real princess. Where's the ridiculous hat?

3. Rachel Maddow has never looked lovelier or more feminine.

4. To say Reginald was a Momma's Boy would be something of an understatement.

5. If this is the first runner up in your local Drag competition, you really don't wanna see who won 'Queen.'

Best of Dr. Doom
What Chaz Bono would look like if Sonny and Cher had been European royalty...

Best of dadoctah
Paris Hilton sticks labels on *all* of her possessions.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Probably not he best spokesperson for Butt Closures.....

Best of Submariner
I guess we all know now what a "Royal Pain In The A$$" really means...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In the next episode, Bob Newhart can't stop giggling while treating a man with a complex Napoleonic complex.

Best of Dactyl
Contrary to popular belief, Skynet's actual opening gambit was an army of robot Ward Cleavers.

Best of GregMan
"I don't care WHO he says he is, he's too flippin' old to be on 'Toddlers and Tiaras!'"

Best of metalgarth
"Princess Diaries III" took the frachise to strange new places. Unless you live in San Fran.

Sort of Weird that Don't Ask Don't Tell Ended on a Tuesday, Isn't It?


1. What happens when you pass out drunk and your friends are really good with Sharpies.

2. "I just have to do about twenty more reps of my invisible dumb bell curls; they are surprisingly effective."

3. "Army of Mom, your personal hot oil wrestling instructor has arrived."

4. "Mornin' Got any beers?" Sadly, Bristol Palin's taste in men has not noticeably improved.

5. Just a reminder, if I had been a left-wing caption blogger, I could have sold out to HuffPo, cashed out on the AOL merger, retired from blogging and spent the rest of my days playing foosball with my personal assistant, Troy.

The sacrifices I make for you people.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Who took my f*ck'n Princess Sash?"

Best of jj
Hopefully he doesn't have Sons of Anarchy colors tattooed on his back. Removal will be very painful...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
TATTOO QUIZ: Which area did Klem hand doodle himself while in juvie and which was done by a professional inker during a 3-day drunk in Chinatown?

Best of Dactyl
Larry had the best collection of tchotchkes and doodads in the halfway house.

Best of prince of leaves
Dave only got tats on his upper body and arms, so that the full glory of his amazing one-pack would never be obscured.

Best of prince of leaves
"Dammit, I don't CARE how drunk you think I am, I want that 'Gay Cock' design from the wall inked across my forehead NOW!!!"

Monday, September 19, 2011

SCOAMF Sandwich


1. "You say this sandwich represents my economic policies? I'm flattered. What is this pungent brown filling?"

2. "Before we, um, eat.... you should all say, um, grace... and thank, um, me for the bounty that I have um, placed before you."

3. Goofus proudly shows off his booger to the other diners, while Gallant... is in the parking lot slapping a "Hillary 2012" sticker on his Volvo.

4. "So when are you evil capitalist bastards who need to be regulated and taxed up the wazoo gonna start hiring people to make my unemployment numbers look good?"

5. "It looks like your sandwich, is, um, bitterly clinging to its buns and relish."

Best of Dr. Doom
In other news today, the President held a working lunch with his newly appointed Amerikkkan Jobs Committee. They reportedly dined on Cuban Sandwiches, Canadian bacon, egg rolls, and enchiladas.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Hey, you gonna finish your fries? I promised 'Chel I'd bring her something.

Best of metalgarth
PULL FINGER FOR EKONOMIC STIMULASS

Best of blue
"who wants some more peas?"

Threadweiner: Capt. Queeg
Next on an all-new, very special Family Matters, Urkel is invited to eat with the cool kids..

Best of Dactyl
Did you see me? I finished the whole maze and half the word search on my placemat before the food came!

Best of The Watcher
Hey, did any of you guys get hit with the 'Buffet tax'? Get it? 'Buffet tax?' Har, har, har...funny, eh?

Best of Rodney Dill
Striped Tie: (thinking) "He says how much he likes sweet potato pie one more time and I'm gonna smack him."

Best of JohnS1959
"Hey you might be on to something there Bob", mused the President, "Companies might be willing to pay higher taxes to avoid an endorsement by my administration. I'll have the Failure Czar look into it..."

SCOAMF Blows Squishface


1. Whenever he needs a little pick-me-up, Obama just buries his face in Michael Vick's old spunk towel.

2. And then he sobbed, bitterly, the way only a 50 year old man who has never been told "No" can sob.

3. "Maybe there are some flakes of cocaine in this towel!"

4. Sorry Mr. President, but you can not so easily erase the sight of Hillary in the men's room; you'll need good strong eye bleach for that.

5. "Lie with her! lie on her! We say lie on her, when they, um, belie her. Lie with her! that's fulsome. -- Handkerchief -- um, confessions -- handkerchief! -- To confess, and be hanged for his labour; -- first, to be hanged, and then to confess. -- I tremble at it. Nature would not, um, invest herself in such shadowing passion without some instruction. It is not words that, um, shake me thus. Pish! Noses, ears, and lips. -- Is't possible? -- Confess -- handkerchief! -- O devil!" (William Shakespeare, SCOAMF. Act IV scene 1)


Best of Double the U
"They said with a little chloroform I would be able to do anything I want..." Another in a long line of not-too-bright moments for the President.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thawtbubble: SNIFFFFFF Ahhh, finally, I got one executive order right. Tide® does make the hankies smell fresher!

Best of Army of Dad
Face towel, when a face palm isn't enough!

Best of blue
"umm, Mr President, they can still see you, really...."

Best of Submariner
Good Gaia! M'Chel musta used these panties to clean Orca's tank!

Best of GregMan
In all honesty, I'd cry like a little girl too if the first thing I saw every morning was M'chel.

Best of jj
I'm tired of getting facials from Soros....

Best of Rodney Dill
Big tits are not a crime, but Michelle will gouge your eyes out if you look at some of them.

Best of Steve O
Awww. Were da bad tea people mean to you again...?

Best of prince of leaves
They used to fetch premium donations, but nowadays the Lightworker's "Shroud of Turin"-like faceprints on silk cloth were lucky to bring in $5 from GoldenPalace.com.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

"Dude, nice! Have you been working out?"




Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Look, I've got OCD and have to do this lucky tushy touch thing 10 times before every play, so shut up and count with me!

Best of jj
Hey, his butt looks firmer....I'll go behind him!

Best of blue
"Damm, all the linemen now use Butt Closure........"

Best of Censors Hip
Penis Good Time Now!

Best of Spin
"Yo 75, meet me back here on Tuesday"

Best of Rodney Dill
So many tight ends, so little time.

Meanwhile, Back at the Alamodome

Schneider


1."Dude, take my advice. Lay. Off. The. Cheetos."

2. Dude on right. "Um... no, I don't really want to hear about Ron Paul just now." 

3. Dude on left: "White shorts after Labor Day? What are you? Some kind of freak?"

4 . Either dude. "I know, right? Purple and Teal in the same bathroom? What were they thinking?"

5. ORA: "Never mind that. Did you bring Mr. Cage his fudgesicle?"

Best of dadoctah
"Go, Team Venture!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The makers of TANG forgo expensive television advertising by aggressively targeting a captive market.

Best of Steve O
Jeff explains how to make your beer never run out.

Best of Oiao
Yep. Texas. Steers & Queers, and I don't see no steak on the hoof hanging out in the restroom!

Best of jj
An older, fatter George Costanza tries naked man again with the same results.

Best of Dr. Doom
"I know I'm not supposed to be in here", remarked Carl nervously, "but Congressman Frank is in the Men's room and I just couldn't risk it"...

Best of Jack Reacher
The final meeting of the Solyndra corporate board is called to order.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Just call me Mr. Dreamsicle."

Friday, September 16, 2011

Ewwww,.... gross



1. Obama was confused. In his native Kenya, throwing up on the chief's shoes was considered a sign of respect.

2. Yup. This is our president. Meanwhile, Putin just killed a wild boar with his bare hands and is skinning it with his teeth.

3. "Why is this man, um, bowing to me? Does he owe me money? Did I just turn Asian? Am I the mayor of Tampa? Throw me a bone here."

4. The SCOAMF drops by NBC and is greeted in the customary manner.

5. Obama was amused at first, then Andrew Sullivan turned the other way and bowed, revealing his buttless pants.

Best of Rodney Dill
Michelle: "Well big tits like that sorta should be a crime."

Best of prince of leaves
The first beheading of a traitor turned up by AttackWatch.com was cause for Rose Garden festivities for the entire White House staff. As the number climbed into the tens of thousands, however, it took on the tediousness of the routine.

Best of prince of leaves
Yes, our President is a sissy. Good thing he as a big, mean wife to protect him.

Best of blue
"It tickles!!"

Best of Censors Hip
Barry: "I wish he had tied his robe, ."
M'Chel: "Ooooooooooh!!"

Best of metalgarth
Nausea Attack Watch!

Best of Steve O
Obama (and team) prank Hillary, putting ipecac syrup on her donut.

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "Why'd that fool make a dress from the duvet? The drapes were MUCH nicer..."

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "Note to self; do NOT order the fish."

I CAN HAS FRENCH FRIEZ?

Moonbattery


1. Let's Move... these two corrupt socialist idiots back to Chicago.

2. INVISIBLE CORNDOG

3. August 2011: "Standing here among the proud employees of Solyndra, I am proud that you are a model for what my husband wants to achieve for America!"

4. M'Chel's happy face is even scarier than her angry face.

5."Once I ate a Bloomin' Onion Th-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-s big!"

Best of Double the U
As if you need another reason to avoid Olive Garden.

Best of dub
Would you believe that once upon a time, my ass was only thiiis big?

M'chelle prepares for life after barry's presidency as a spokesperson for Ex-Lax...

I felt it! Barry's prostrate is now this big!

The massive blue cockroach has no idea the infection it will get if it bites her...

Best of prince of leaves
"And in summary, my Let's Move program to encourage fat kids to take swandives from the roof will reduce the percentage of obese children in America..."

Best of USMC2841
I'll get you my little pretty. You and your little fries too.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"...and with great humbleness I accept the Nobel prize for eating with a shovel!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Laxative endorsements are a bit tacky, even for this White House.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Morning wood?" Erm, honestly hadn't planned on covering that, but okay... once it's hard, you can hold it like this and open your mouth real wide.

Best of Submariner
"...then I shat one this big. Looked sorta like one of my yams."

Best of Dr. Doom
"And the people on the Italian Riviera eat artichokes this big for lunch every day. I ordered mine drenched in truffle butter and covered with gold leaf", related the First Lady, "Seriously, you must go there if your husband is ever elected President!"

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Look at me, I'm as Helpless as an Intoxicated Moose in a Tree

Racerboy


1. Police were called this morning to break up a domestic disturbance at the home of one "Rocket J. Squirrel."

2. "Are you all right Mrs Jessica-Parker?"

3. Moose: "That damn honey badger did this to me... and he just doesn't care!"

4. ORA: Mr. Greenjeans enacted a gruesome revenge for all those avalanches of ping-pong balls.

5. There was a note on the carcass that read simply, "Ann Coulter, you're next. (signed) S.P."

Best of Dr. Doom
Bullwinkle's escape from Enumclaw ends in tragedy...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
This photo is begging for a Dr. Seuss caption.

Best of Rodney Dill
Big racks are not a crime.

Best of GregMan
The Justice Department's "Mooserunner" program goes horribly wrong.

Best of Rodney Dill
The moose didn't buy insurance? Let's just let 'im die.

Best of dub
The Enumclaw Sheriffs Department found only the moose and 6 empty boxes of Butt Closures. Based on the evidence they believe they have identified 6,345 possible suspects.

Best of Rodney Dill
Methinks there was some cannabis in the muffin.

Best of racerboy
Apparently Prom Night in Enumclaw ends much the same as in any other small American town...

Best of Steve O
We got a description.
Put out an APB for a squirrel wearing a blue... something on it's head.

Book 'em, Schneider


1. "But Big Tits are not a crime! Big tits are not a crime!"

2. "Just promise you won't lock me up with big muscly horny black men... you lousy fascist pig."

3. The cooperation of law enforcement made 'Kick a Ginger Day' a huge success.

4. "Nice dye job, Mr. Favre. Now, let me remind you of the terms of the restraining order."

5. "Unit 4 here. Tell Tom Brady we caught the guy who was yelling 'Take it off! Take it off!'"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Piss on you... I'm working for Mel Brooks."

Best of mpur
Big tits are not a crime. Being a ginger, however.....

Best of GregMan
Man, band camp just gets rowdier every year.

Best of USMC2841
"Leave Britney Alone!!!!!!!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Collegiate flash mobbing results in Dean Wormer banning cell phones and iPods from stadium events.

Best of USMC2841
Relax sir. It's just a standard TSA pat down.

Best of jj
Damn, the Lions win one game and the whole town riots...

Best of Vinneh
Boy that Madden 2012 video game is getting a bit too violent!

Best of Dr. Doom
"Looks like you're about to star in someone's anal fantasy buddy", said the lineman...

Best of Submariner
"Nightstick!"
"NIGHTSTICK!"
"Fer the love of Gaia, wasn't 'nightstick' the safe word?"

Best of VInneh
Chaz Bono arrested at Super Bowl. News at 11."

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Where's the Rest of the Cluster?


1. Andrew Sullivan seethed, "I'm supposed to be the one taking the president's milky loads!"

2. Judging from the look on Trumka's face, "It's twoo! It's twoo!"

3. "So, um, you kids can, um, see what's important... let me be clear... it's important to use a condom, especially, um, when you're with a, um, dirty bareback bottomslut like Richard Trumka."

4. "Let me be clear... after a trillion dollars in Stimulus goes into a union slush fund, the least I can expect is the courtesy of a reach-around."

5. "Thank, um, Allah that the, um, Anal Fantasy stinger is gone.... What do you mean the new one is even worse?"

Best of Dr. Doom
In order to celebrate Amerikkkan Socialism Day (previously known as Labor Day) the President honored the relationship between labor unions and the Democratic Party. The festivities started with a backrub and rapidly degenerated into an orgy of bacchanalian proportions...

Best of GregMan
"So Richard, um, this is uhhh, how Frank Marshall Davis used to, guuuhhh, have his anal fantasies."

Best of dub
Looks like Richard bought that package of Butt Closures just in time.

Best of dadoctah
Remember folks: Bert and Ernie are puppets and as such have no sexual identity.

Best of Dactyl
And, for those of you who haven't figured it out yet, here's a symbolic demonstration of what we plan to do to the American taxpayer.

Best of Rodney Dill
PENIS GOOD TIME NOW

Best of mpur
Just the tip, you say? Well...ok.

Best of Submariner
Mmmmmmm, mmmmmmmmm, mmmmmmmmmmm!
Barack Hussein obama!

Bam Bam and the Union Thug

Sondra K


1. "Of all the corrupt, profane thug bosses of all the mafia-run unions that are nothing more than money-laundering and extortion outfits for my party, you're my favorite."

2. "Mr. President, you've got a spot of my man-juice on your cheek... no, lower... got it!"

3. Having confirmed the hypnosis was a success, Trumka issued his next demand, "You will take all of the taxpayers money and give it to me."

4. And now... two Marxists with tape recorders up their noses.

5. "And we will mine our nose gold and share it with all the villagers!"

Best of Dr. Doom
In this scene, Mr. Trumka demonstrates Phase II of Project Puppeteer, where Mr. Obama is made to scratch an imaginary itch through the power of unionized corruption. In phase III neither the itch nor the scratch would be imaginary...

Best of GregMan
"And I'd like to caution Mr. Trumka against using hateful language suggesting violent, illegal action against those who may not agree with us... Ha! Faked you out! No, seriously, go kill the M-ther-F---ing tea baggers."

Best of jj
Trumka, "Damn Barry, that's some good blow you got there".

Best of Submariner
When I, um, think about you, I, uh, touch myself...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Moral: Never ask a drunken union boss to help you remove a piece of arugala from your tooth while the cameras are rolling.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"No, Mr. President, the phrase is 'on the nose'. On the... no, higher... higher... high... oh, you got me on that one! That is also the place where you put your cocaine! But really, on the... okay, well, that's close enough for government work." Explaining to Barry Soertoro how some phrases work while he's high really takes a lot of patience.

Best of Submariner
And laying a finger aside of his mouth,
The Pres mumbled something,
The economy went south...

This day is off to a wonderful start.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Sasquatch has an Angry

Sondra K


1. After losing again at Badminton, the FLOTUS blames her husband's, 'Fluttering Shuttlecock of Miserable Failure.'

2. ORA: May Day was fiercely protective of Max Zorin at Wimbledon.

3. Worf angrily demands to know what Q has done with his b'atleth!

4. "If one more chalk-faced whore asks if the Smithsonian is missing Travolta's jacket from Saturday Night Fever, this racket's going up her baby chute sideways."

5. White Linen Jacket by Isabel Toldeo of New York, hateful anti-American rage by Bill Ayers and Jeremiah Wright of Chicago.

Best of Rodney Dill
There can be only one.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
M'Chell impersonations just aren't believable without the eatin' shovel.

Best of Rodney Dill
"He called me out! Barry... get me Seal Team 6."

Best of GregMan
"What you mean, 'let the wookie win', b1tch?!?"

Best of blue
"If Barry can win the Nobel prize, I can win Wimbledon!!' snarled M'Chel.

Threadwinner: dub
Angriest.Syrup Bottle.Ever.

Best of mpur
Venus? What kind of name is that? Come on, bitch, I will f**k you up!

Best of jj
John McEnroe cowers in fear at this outburst!

Best of Submariner
I got chills, they're multiplying!
And I'm losing control...

Best of sonicfrog
I Knew It...... Michael Jackson LIVES!!!!!!!!

Best of Artfldgr
YOU! yes YOU! third row... where do you think your going during my set?

Best of Submariner
And seen in the background, Andre Agassi knew EXACTLY when to quit coaching...

Best of Rodney Dill
"MUAD'DIB!!!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Khaaaannnn!"

Soup Marxist


1. Soup Marxist says, "No soup for capitalist oppressors!"

2. Soup Marxist proclaims, "I don't care if you haven't even cut the vegetables yet. I demand that you serve this soup immediately!"

3. Soup Marxist claims to have created or saved over 3,000,000 bowls of soup.

4. Soup Marxist helps himself to some Buttery Mustard Duck with a Minestrone Flavor. (See what I did there? LOL)

5. Bandana Chick: "I don't know who the new guy is, but so far he's dumped four pots of broth down the sink, he's been handling raw chicken meat with his bare hands all morning, he set the kitchen on fire... And then he whines that no one gives him credit for the job he's doing."

Best of Dr. Doom
After two years of searching, Mr. Obama finally discovers a shovel ready project. Eatin' shovel that is...

Best of Double the U
Well Mr Obama... you did say something about "according to his need, according to his ability." and you barely have the ability to do that.

Best of Jack Reacher
After six months and $18,500,000 in government loans, the solar soup kitchen is about to serve its first bowl. The building will be shuttered and all employees laid off tomorrow.

Best of mpur
In a parallel universe, where 52% of the voters are not complete idiots, Barak Obama finds himself in a career more suited to his talents and qualifications.

Best of Submariner
Meanwhile, behind the curtain at a Chicago area Planned Parenthood Clinic, a community organizer cleans out the "examination" room...

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Girlfriend, I'm serious! He dumped a whole pot of soup out on the floor, then turned his bony ass around and said he had inhereted the mess!"

Best of Steve O
In 2013...
"Even Jimmy Carter isn't allowed to scoop the soup!" thought Barry proudly.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Men on a Mission


Best of Submariner
I'm tired of doors being shut. Let's start with a new opening next time. How's about we start with, "Pardon me, do you have a moment so I can tell you about Ron Paul?"

Best of Rodney Dill
You see.... We're on a mission... a mission from Army of Mom

Best of Censors Hip
Hey boys, Nancy Reagen wants to meet you

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Aaron and Delmar were notorious rapscallions, but stiffing the Ogden Dairy Queen with a "lick and dash" shocked the entire community and prompted calls for a daytime curfew.

Best of Submariner
Hey boys, AoM called and wondered whether you knew how to tie a clove hitch to a bed post with those ties?

Best of Kaptain Krude
How dare that old woman tell us to f*ck off? You know what I should have said to her? I should have said, "No, YOU f*ck off!" Then I'd b*tch-slap her and force a Bible down HER throat! Come on, finish your Popsicle, and then we'll march right on back there and give her a what-for!

Friday, September 09, 2011

Cartwheelies


1. "Yippee!! Obama gave a speech! Our economic problems are OVER!"

2. Coincidentally, Lena is making the Chinese symbol for "Limber Whore."

3. Some monors were more excited about the impending URL change than others.

4. Everybody downwind thought a new fish market had opened.

5. Sarah Palin's pleas for attention are starting to look a little desperate.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Today is brought to you by the kanji symbol for "Me Love You Long Time, GI"

Best of dadoctah
Okay, that does it. No more Starbucks for Shirley.

Best of dub
Best corndog hiding spot. EVER.

Best of Submariner
Looks like I picked a bad week to quit sniffing bicycle seats...

Best of Vinneh
Bill Clinton has auditions for a new humidor.

Best of GregMan
"You know, from this perspective, Obama's jobs plan doesn't look so bad."

Best of racerboy

How Paris Hilton says...

"NEXT!"

Perry Paul Paul Perry

Gregman tipped this, and I'm giving him props even though I already saw it and decided to use it 'cos I am AWESOME like that.
 

1. Paul: "Hey, have you heard the good news about... me?"

2.  Perry: "My name is a killing word." 

3. "And then Obama says, 'Fiat Currency? What is that, some kind of Italian car?' I about sh-t my pants."

4. "C'mon... smell my finger. Betcha can't guess where it just was!"

5. "You know, Ron, you're an OK guy but your obsessed fans scare the crap out of me. You're sort of the Boston Red Sox of politics."



Best of GregMan
ORA: And now, a GOP candidate with a tape recorder up his nose.

Best of Dr. Doom
...Hey, look another side boob...

Best of HLam
"Just follow my finger Ron". Gov. Perry gives Rep. Paul a field sobriety test after all the f*cked up answers he gave during the debate.

Best of Submariner
"...and Obamalama-ding-dong-didlee-wop-wop will be the safe word."

Best of dadoctah
"Sit! Stay! Good boy!"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"You stay away from Nancy Reagen, she belongs to me!!"

Best of curly
"My wife accidentally mixed some Viagra in with my hand lotion last week and my finger's been this ever since."

Best of Vinneh
"Remember Ron, I don't lose sleep when I execute someone."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"F*ck you, c*cks*cker! That's my name, F*ck You C*cks*cker! Now get out of here!"

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Back-Dating to Wednesday So As Not to Spoil Your Thursday


1. Nancy: "Well, I certainly hope one of you nice young men can kick that Stuttering Clusterfuck of a Miserable Failure out on his ass."

2. "Did you bring me a corndog?"

3."So, which one of you nice young men is going to be my anal fantasy?"

4. "At my age, this is a M'Chel Obama boob belt."

5. ORA: Nancy: "Well, you two boys can just f--k right off." Romney: "Ma'am?" Nancy: "You heard me. Take that book of Mormon and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul soliciting pigf--kers."

Best of Threadwinner Rodney Dill
"Here, eat a Snickers Ron Paul, you just aren't yourself when you're hungry... On second thought, we like you better this way."

Best of blue
"Boys, I screwed Frank Sinatra, Frank was a friend of mine. Boys, you're no Frank Sinatra!"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Air tight boys, that's my fantasy!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I served with Ronald Reagan, I knew Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan was a friend of mine. Boys, you're no Ronald Reagan.

Best of jj
Palin and Bachmann have bigger stones than either one of you...

Best of Vinneh
"You want to know what Ronnie would do? I'm having a seance in the next room tonight. Ask him yourself."

Best of prince of leaves
"Oh, thank goodness you're here, Mitt...now you can help twist me back around the right way. I've been walking half-backward like this since Doofus here caught me falling the other day and yanked my arm like a lawn-mower cord!"

Best of Submariner
OK, Boys; do me now and make it rough so I can forget that a house boy is using Ronnie's old office.
And Then Dawn's Head Went Super Nova

Best of Rodney Dill
"...and that'll be the last time that bitch, Betty White, tries to upstage me."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Maybe you can tell me what ever happened to that Cher woman's little girl? I've been watching that Dancing show, and I just cannot seem to see her!"

Five from Blue

blue


1) has Jimmy Buffet tickets but can't get in
2) has Warren Buffet Tickets and can get in
3) Thursday reject
4) Tuesday reject
5) has anal fantasy

Best of Dr. Doom
How nature says you should probably stay away - #37a.

Best of Rodney Dill
What James Carville does to unwind.

Best of Censors Hip
"Big tits are not a crime!"

Best of jj
With the economy in the tank, more and more are turning to prostitution to pay the bills....far too many people...

Best of sonicfrog
A sad direction for Jimmy Buffet's career ..... Jimmie.... You are not, and never will be, Bette Midler... Just Stop... Now!!!!!

Best of Jack Reacher
What do you expect? He had to flee Tripoli in a rush, and the rebels got most of his wardrobe.

Best of dadoctah
DC Comics makes one final desperate retcon to turn Aquaman into something cool. But still....

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
You think that's bad? Look at all those people wearing white after Labor Day.

Best of Steve O
Shark Boy and Lava Girl's transgendered daughterson works as a parking lot greeter for Cedar Point.

Best of Censors Hip
AoM has that outfit

Best of VInneh
The Mormons are relaxing their mission dress code, but only on Fire Island.

Picking Through the Ruins of Ghadaffy's Once-Magnificent Wardrobe



1. "Not much left at Ghadaffy's yard sale. Army of Mom grabbed all the good stuff."

2. "Think about it. 'Moammar.' 'Army of Mom.' They are practically anagrams."

3. "Made in Israel?"

4. "Ooooh! Look at this darling top! It's just like something I saw in Filene's!"

5. (Dude on left) "Abu... please stop staring at my ass."

Best of Double the U
I can't wait until we find the dresses!

Best of Banana Republican
Do these knock off designer jeans make my butt look big????

Best of Dr. Doom
"Dude, it is after Labor Day", instructed Bruce, "I would stay away from the green."

Best of jj
Old Navy buyers scour the world looking for the latest trends...

Best of dadoctah
"*This* is what he thought would impress Condi?"

Best of GregMan
"Achmed, if you put this uniform on... well, it's my anal fantasy come true."

Best of Submariner
Ahmed, why would the Colonel have kept Jello pudding cups in his clothes?

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

She's a Man, Baby



1. Chaz Bono: A FAIL in any gender.

2. And number 4,789,098 on the list of people and things that are more attractive than Sarah Jessica Parker.

3. Please tell me the boot on the right is a harbinger of a much-deserved ass-kicking.

4. Now that the school year has resumed, Phys Ed teachers across the country are reporting for duty.

5. The one useful thing hacked off and everything else bloated up beyond recognition: Obama's radical transformation of America summed up in one individual.

Best of Rodney Dill
That's no moon... its a man.

Best of mpur
So, all I have to do is get a judge to legally change my name and I can quit shaving and watching my weight? Isn't that called marriage?

Best of blue
Really dude, hit the gym, people gonna think you're pregnant!

Best of GregMan
Just then a camera crew from Animal Planet's "Searching for Bigfoot" appeared and things got ugly. I mean uglier.

Best of Censors Hip
Not my anal fantasy

Best of jj
Prostrate exam day at medical school certainly got ugly...

Best of Matt the K
Give a big thumbs up to Chaz Bono-- world's first transsexual Amish.

Best of Banana Republican
Hitchhiking....You're doing it wrong... 1. You are in a parking lot. 2. You might be better off showing NO leg. 3. WTF is the towel for?

Threadwinner: dadoctah
Doesn't *every* little blonde pigtailed girl want to grow up to be just like Kevin James?

Executive Vice Threadwinner Submariner
We-e-e-e-e-e-elllll, the Lions ARE still in desparate need of a tackle that can keep Stafford standing up... And I'm damn sure he wouldn't dream of laying down with THAT, so maybe this was a good free agent pick up?

Best of Dactyl
Thumbs up? He must be selling a lot of term papers.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Next thing to be banned at Wilburn High... transexual gang signals.

Miss Grievance

Al



1. "Dammit! At this rate, there won't be any ribs left by the time I get to the buffet." (ATDHE)

2. Somewhere, a shivering pimp wishes he had his jacket back. 

3. And with that glare, the entire Steelers offensive line turned gay.

4. A second later, she whipped out her b'atleth and decapitated the p'tagh who took her fries.

5. "What do you mean I can't go on another vacation?

Best of metalgarth
Once Spock stopped answering her communicator messages, Uhuru's demeanor changed dramatically

Best of blue
"Just set my eating shovel down & no one gets hurt!"

Best of dub
"Bitch cut in front of me to get into the big Old Navy sale".

Best of GregMan
"How comes you mo-fo's never invites my Barry to your flash mobs?"

Best of USMC2841
"watch u talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Oh hell, who let Couric in the Oval Office?? She's eyeing the drapes! She's seen my outfit! If she puts two and two together and asks me about this I'll smack her with my eatin' shovel.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Snow leopard? No, I haven't seen any. Don't know nothin' 'bout no snow leopard. Move on, please."

Best of Spineless Vertebra
Michelle after finding out that Barack was looking for dem white women.

Best of Submariner
ORA: Thawt bubble; "Barry NEVER asks for a second cup of coffee when I make it..."

Best of Dactyl
Uh oh, the guy from MSNBC just sat on Michelle's big red hat.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
A big ass is not a crime!!

Best of Steve O
Armed with new speaking skills after watching an episode of "Friends," Michele applies Joey's "smell a fart" technique to convey thoughtfulness.



Also...


Monday, September 05, 2011

Have an ATDHE Labor Day Everybody

Schneider


Best of HLam
"BEEP...BEEP". The sound they make when they're backing up.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Man, I didn't know Old Navy even HAD a dress code!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Because it was too hard to spell:
C ~~ C
O ~~ H
T ~~ E
T ~~ E
A ~~ S
G ~~ E
E

Best of Dr. Doom
In order to get a permit to participate in the parade, Latisha and Keniesha were required to display their backup alarms for the hearing impaired...

Best of jj
Latisha and Latasha approach the new government sponsored Brillo-Pad donation facility.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
The Red Hat Society never knew what hit it.

Best of Spin
Due to everyday outrage Dawn and her sister Dawn required larger hat during their normal comings and goings.

Best of USMC2841
The residence of Turd Ferguson was robbed last evening. In excess of 50 over-sized foam cowboy had were taken.

Best of Rodney Dill
Skank Early Warning System.

Best of Dactyl
The Nebraska Cornhuskers' star tackles arrive for practice.