Wednesday, August 31, 2011

What is it with English Women and Hats?

Silhouette

1. "Yes, I'm quite sure I'll be dead in a moment, but the fashion statement of wearing my large intestine as a hat was most irresistible."

2. "I saw Mrs. Obama had made the curtains into a dress, so I grabbed some of the rope line and, voila!"

3."Our. Visit. To. The. Brain. Parasite. Planet. Was. Uneventful. Would. You. Like. To. Try. On. My. Hat."

4. "One last hat splurge before the burqa, as they say."

5. NHS announced today that in a cost-saving measure, people with inoperable brain tumors would no longer be given surgery, but instead would be given lively hats to make them feel better."

Best of jj
Aretha Franklin's lawyers were not amused and threatened to sue...

Best of sonicfrog
ORA: Apparently, Johnathan could have also made it into a pterodactyl if he so desired.

Best of Submariner
Whispered; "The Duke of Weatherford just laughed at me; said you looked as if you were wearing King Kongs c0ck ring on your noggin. TOLD you so before we left the castle. But would you listen?"

Best of GregMan
Lady Smith-Smyth-Smith tried so hard to make sense of Obama's new jobs program that her brain spurted right out of her skull.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
This year's theme at Derby: Salute to the I.U.D.

Best of Rodney Dill
...and then Princess Beatrice's head exploded.

Best of Dr. Doom
In an unfortunate mix up, Billy Bob and Ethyl Smith got the invitation meant for Sir William and Lady Smythe. Everything went smashingly until Billy Bob got out his lawn darts...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I rather like a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve... but not the kind who wears her intestines on her head.

Best of dadoctah
When Trek memes collide: the alien woman with oddly-shaped bumps on her head meets the never-before-seen red-shirted crewman in the landing party.

Best of Spin
Tim Burton's mother spends a day at the races.

Best of dadoctah
Why topology and millinery don't mix.

Catholic Schoolgirls Staying Out of Trouble for Once

Schneider


1. "Check out those abs," tittered Sister Mary Catherine.

2."Why does it take four of us to change a lightbulb? Is this some kind of joke?"

3. "Oh, come on, we all understand the symbolism of that sturdy knot in His loincloth," insisted Sister Mary Agnes.

4. "Nothing I like more than a picture of a dead Jew hanging from a tree," said Sister Mary Hussein.

5. "Something about these Obama 2012 campaign posters just seems a little over-the-top," said Sister Mary Alice.

Best of GregMan
"So who has The Holy Hand Grenade Of Antioch today?"

Best of GregMan
"Hurry up and take that picture of Our Lord down before the President gets here!"

Best of Adriane
"White loincloths before Labor Day! What were they thinking?" fumed Sister Mary Martha Stewart ...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Mother Superior watched approvingly as her girls hooked up the new animatronic Bingo number-caller in front of the auditorium.

Best of dadoctah
"Hey, wait a minute! Up close it's not Jesus at all. It's Kris Kristofferson!"

Best of dadoctah
"You know we're not supposed to think about things like that, but, since you bring it up...yeah, I guess I'd do Him."

Best of Submariner
MSNBC kicks off Election 2012 representation of the Obama campaign...

Best of Rodney Dill
"Just one more, 'I think our Lord hangs to the left,' and you're going to hell, Mary Margaret."

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Smilin' SCOAMF


1."Mrs. Sheriff Joe Biden... I'm so happy, I'm walking on air!"

2. "And then I said, 'I'll have a jobs plan by September,' Holy Hell that's funny. I think I just shat myself."

3. "Jeez, Joe... the stagelights reflecting off the back of your head are blinding!"

4. "So it's agreed. Tomorrow we kill all the capitalists."

5. "Nothing like, um, fine Peruvian blow to make you forget, um, low approval ratings.

Best of Double the U .
Why yes Barack, I am happy to see you!

Best of Censors Hip .
Why Joe, of course I'll be your Anal Fantasy

Best of USMC2841 .
Good news. The DOJ says your uncle Omar is legal but Gibson guitars aren't.

Best of jj .
Biden, "No, turn the other way and cough".

Best of Jack Reacher .
"Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!"

Best of prince of leaves .
"Et, um, tu, Plugs?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston .
Shaken Baby Syndrome might explain things like umbrella/gate confusion, the kiddie bicycle helmet and his inability to differentiate between doors and windows.

Best of Steve O .
I don't know. I still say Heath Ledger played him better.

Best of dadoctah .
Why am I suddenly flashing back to that TV special when Frank Sinatra introduced Ray Charles?

Assistant Threadwinner Submariner .
I.See.Fifty.Seven.States!

A Twink with a Drinking Problem


1. The next phase of Zach's sick fantasy involved lots of thirsty cats.

2.Ang Lee's first "Got Milk" commercial played very well in California, New York and Massachusetts.

3. ORA: "24601! 24601!"

4. Washing the taste of Paris Hilton out of your mouth takes a lot of bleach.

5.   The National Dairy Association sent their best lobbyist to persuade Barney Frank of the need for more milk subsidies.

Best of Rodney Dill
Keep him away from corndogs.

Best of mpur
Bukkake. Yer doin' it wrong. Thank God.

Best of Banana Republican
At AoM's the milk is free so why buy the bull?

Best of prince of leaves
Of all the things that suddenly changed in his life, Tyler found drinking the hardest thing to adapt to after the tracheotomy.

Best of GregMan
I see Todd never got the warning about Canadian sperm.

Best of GregMan
"One twink, one cup" proved very popular in Folsom Street movie theatres.

Best of Army of Mom
I have a sudden craving for cereal and a full body massage.

Best of Army of Mom
'ow to speak Australian: money shot

Best of Dactyl
"I'll let you whitewash my fence for an apple!" The Folsom Street production of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer was not quite as Twain wrote it.

Best of dadoctah
Lactose intolerance affects one in seven. Won't you help?

Monday, August 29, 2011

Caddyshack Libyan Style

Sondra K


1. Obama insisted on bringing his own caddies to Martha's Vineyard. (ATDHE)

2."Jamal! Your tapeworm is escaping!"

3. "Hey, Good lookin', we'll be back to pick you up later."

4. The City of Detroit's Mass Transit Authority deals with budget cuts.

5. When it's not Election Day, the Black Panthers are a lot less intimidating.

Best of Dr. Doom
"The greenskeeper told me I had to replace my divot", related Jalil, "So I shot him"...

Best of HLam
Fuquan: "M'chel's going to love how we pimped her ride. We even used one her drapes to upholster the back seat!"
Fareed: "That ain't no drape, that's one of her goin' out gowns."

Best of Rodney Dill
If we can do Bobsled, we can do NASCAR.

Best of Submariner
Dawn's brothers arrive to escort her to Old Navy.

Best of blue
The team to rescue Uncle Omar was hand selected by his nephew

Threadwinner Jack Reacher
Looks like somebody's been visiting the BATFE outlet center.

Best of Whacko
The new Libyan President-For-Life rides triumphant into Tripoli with his Chief of Staff and security detail.

Best of Dr. Doom
In Amerikkka all the college kids make a "run for the border" after the bars close. In Afghanistan, they make a "run for McPatterson's" after the firefight.

Best of Vinneh
As long as he was packing heat, no one made fun of Chauncey's hoopdee.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Unable to overcome a certain catheter hookup stigma, the Inner City Spermobile never caught on as a green mode of transportation.

Best of dadoctah
Kia Soul: the no-frills option.






How Much Is That SCOAMF in the Window?

Al


1. Since turning 50, the SCOAMF has become increasingly concerned that there might be kids on his lawn.

2. "Hmmm.... now what can I f--k up today," wondered the SCOAMF.

3. "What the Hell? Did Rick Perry just drop a deuce on my yard?"

4. "Help! Um help! I've accidentally locked myself, um, inside the, um, house."

5. Looking out from the rear window of his apartment, Jimmy Stewart was shocked to witness a black man murdering the economy.

Best of HLam
"Looks like a good day for golf...I'm outta here!"

Best of blue
"Staring out the window, day dreaming about my anal fantasy....I like the salmon flavour best."

Best of Submariner
BO thawt bubble; "Dammit; I, um, was SURE I, uh, heard reality, um, uh, sneaking up on, uh, me!"

Best of metalgarth
If those crackers keep playing that AC/DC so loud, Imma be sending the ATF after Gibson.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Door or window?", pondered Mr. Obama.

Best of dwhawk
Stupid Palin. How come I can't see Russia from MY house?

Best of dub
Nope...no white women be at out here.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Is that the ice cream truck I hear? I want a double dip! See what I did, there?"

Best of Spin
Those sons of bitches made me come home early AND wear a tie and now it ain't even raining.

Best of Rodney Dill
Ferris Obama's Day Off. (pretty much like any other day)

Best of GregMan
"How come nobody ever invites me to their flash mobs?"

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Speaking of Big Masses of Wind That Don't Live Up to the Hype...


Best of GregMan
"Let the looting begin!"

ATDHE

Best of Jack Reacher
Nine days' rental on Martha's Vineyard--$70,000.
Security arrangements--Millions.
Keeping him away from Washington for even a short time--priceless.

Best of Dactyl
Some people get light bulbs over their heads when they have an idea. Obama gets teleprompters. Did not see that one coming.

Best of Oiao
Obammer: "So, what you are saying, is, um, that is why a toilet flows the way it does north of the equator?"

Threadwinner: prince of leaves
Puzzled thought bubble: "Damn, I've never seen text like this on my teleprompter before. How do I pronounce it? 'WhOOoowhOOoowhOOoo'...?"

Best of metalgarth
Wow! Dick Cheney's weather control satellite is awesome.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
New Job in 2013: Hello folks, my forecast calls for mild temperatures, calm winds and zero chance of rain tonight... holy mother of crap, where did that storm come from???
Incompetent as ever, yet the revolving door of politics will still put food on his table.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Let's see those clingers cling to their guns now! Buh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh crap, did I say that out loud! It's not on my TelePrompTer! Oh crap, did I say *that* out loud!"

Best of Spin
Sasha that's really good, lets put it on the fridge.

Something I Whipped out on XtraNormal

So Bored


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Your Law Enforcement Dollars at work

Sondra k



1. Police rapidly broke up the latest demonstration by "Muffintops not Bombs."

2. Simultaneous body cavity searches and breast exams; an example of the Obama Regime's "Compassionate Fascism Initiative."

3. LaKeisha didn't really enjoy being the "mean black cop" in the fantasies of middle-aged hippie lesbians... but in this economy, any job would do.

4. Surprisingly, the first white folks sent to the Re-Education Camps after Obama was re-elected were Sally Jessie Raphael and Julianne Moore.

5. "Nope, not real. Not spectacular."


Best of mega
Visiting blue states is getting a lot harder these days.

Best of Whacko
"If'n you gots any of them Gibson guitars stashed away, better tell us now or we gonna sweat it out of you down at the station house."

Best of Submariner
Not real; twenty five dollar silicone tax...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Elsie, if you don't stop saying, "This glove's from the Playtex Lift & Separate collection" I swear I'm gonna zap you with my Taser.

Best of jj
Cop on radio, "Tell the White House I got the white wimmen".

Friday, August 26, 2011

What Starts with F and Ends with U-C-K?


1. Inferno blew most of his Transformers royalties on skanks.

2.Yeah, the 'Chick Fire Department' seemed like a good idea at first ... but when they all ran out of the burning building because someone saw a spider, not so much.

3. Well, the orphanage burned down because they couldn't get the truck out, but Gina's senior picture was awesome.

4. Although it was extremely successful at the box office, Snow White and the Seven Horny Firemen was thought by some to be a violation of the Disney spirit.

5. Two weeks later, Blondie was hired as FoxNews Senior Economic Reporter.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The guys said she'd never fill the big boots but Suzi was a ringer. She could sashay out into an intersection at midnight during a blizzard and collect more donations than anyone else!

Best of Steve O
I got something that's big and red too now.

Best of blue
Susie's job is to show new recruits how to discharge fully charged hoses.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Firetruck me, Ray Bradbury!" Needless to say, that sequel will _NOT_ be made by Ang Lee.

Best of Dactyl
After hooking up with a couple of Imperial Stormtroopers, Kaitlin had to find a way to get rid of that 'burning' sensation.

Best of mega
He was a man, before 9/11. That tragedy has taken a terrible toll.

Best of Submariner
Now THAT'S a "Candy-gram for Mongo!"

Best of Dr. Doom
After searching around Ottawa all day, Sheila finally discovers where the hosers hang out...

Best of jj
Can't believe nobody's came up with it yet...
Sandy has found her ultimate pumper.

These Are Not the Skanks You're Looking For


Best of Rodney Dill
Special Hazmat suits were required for workers surveying the cracks of the great east coast earthquake.

Best of Submariner
"Is that a blaster in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
"It's a blaster. Why woudl I be happy to see you?"

Best of Dr. Doom
Completely fed up with their lack of skills, Lord Vader finally sent the storm troopers to Starla and Darla for training. Said Lord Vader, "Those girls really know how to handle a blaster"...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Darth's new punishment for insubordination: Sometimes I wish he'd just strangle us with the Force than turn us out to do tricks!

Best of metalgarth
Finally! George Lucas makes some revisions *worth* seeing!

Best of dadoctah
"Hey, baby, wanna see me make the Kessel run in under twelve parsecs?"

Best of Steve O
All the babes dig XF519729 and XF429865.

Threadwinner: Matt the K
Pacification of the planet Butterface is complete, Lord Vader.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
This 80's photo shows Kirstie Alley back when her butt was just beginning to expand, long before she'd have been eligible for the part of Jabba the Hut.



Thursday, August 25, 2011

Naughty

Al


Best of mpur
And if your pussy wasn't free, you'd be a whore.

Best of Oiao
Is the little black kid hiding behind her back?

Best of Rodney Dill
...but there would be a lot more zombies at your door.

Best of Submariner
Fantastic! My September "Skank of the Month Club" installment got here early...



Thursdays with Jessica

Al


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Ride the Gun


1. Paris Hilton joins the Navy.

2. Who needs corndogs?

3. Just to piss off the liberals, Sarah Palin goes whale hunting.

4. "You guys can come out now, they repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell weeks ago."

5. "Damb there's a lot of pr0n stuffed up in there."

Best of Censors Hip
"This thing sure beats the sybian!"

Best of blue
"Rapid, continuous fire, oh boy!"

Best of Dr. Doom
Encouraged by her 'corndog' bump in the polls, Michele Bachmann decides to bring out the big guns...

Best of Censors Hip
"The spec sheet says long barreled pulsing action....but I only get to clean it!"

Threadwinner: metalgarth
Cinemax presents: "Pearl Necklace Harbor"

Best of USMC2841
Standing Order - Don't fire until you see the whites of her thighs.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
Riding shotgun just isn't good enough for some people.

Best of Rodney Dill
Slim Pickens had a daughter?

Best of mpur
I like big guns and I can not lie...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I, for one, am glad to see the US Navy training women to clean it after they use it.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Man, those Jehovah's Witnesses certainly are persistent!

Best of Whacko
Just another day aboard the USS William Jefferson Clinton.

Best of Submariner
If this is the USS WJ Clinton, that must be the 5" Panatella Gun...

Perry, Dodge, Thrust

Schneider


1. "Lookee me, I'm a Wisconsin schoolteacher. 'Give me more taxpayer money and a corndog!'"

2. "Thank you, sir, may I have another!"

3. "You think doing the Charleston would give me sort of a ... Calvin Coolidge vibe."

4. "...And it's a pelvic thrust... that'll drive you insay-yay-yay-yayne..."

5.  "...And now our impression of one of Andrew Sullivan's Provincetown barbecues. You have to imagine us naked and stuffed with corndogs, though."

Best of Double the U
Bend over, grab your knees and say "Big government is coming!"

Best of blue
On the catwalk, on the catwalk, you’re going shake your little tush, on the catwalk

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Throw back your head
stick out your tush
hands on your hips
give 'em a push
You'll be surprised your doin' the French Mistake
VIOLA!

Best of jj
OK, whoever drops the biggest turd wins...

Best of Army of Mom
Showing just how hip he is, Gov Perry demonstrates just how low he can go while listening to the cadets play Ludacris songs during halftime.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Red Rover, Red Rover, let Sarah come over!

Best of Steve O
Oh crap. Someone already did the Red Rover thing. I was going to do Bachmann.

Best of Submariner
"Did you see the Quarterback? I wanna play Center!"
"No, I called Center first!"
"Pick me! Pick ME!"

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

F the Cowbell, We Need More Biden!!


1. "Oh, sorry about your wife Mr. Prime Minister. Well, God love ya, anyway."

2. "You know, for a Chinaman, you're pretty clean and articulate."

3. "Thank you for this beautiful hand-carved bow. It's exquisite. And please enjoy the Obama '08 baseball caps the president has sent for your gifts."

4. "Our troops will have to get used to these when me and BO are done gutting the military."

5. Get drunk. Shoot arrows at cows. Life had changed little for Biden since his ascension to the vice president.

Best of Army of Dad
Reminiscent of Genghis Kahn

Best of blue
"...and then Obama had NATO launch arrows like this into Libya."

Best of USMC2841
I'd be happy to help back your one child policy. What do I have to do?

Best of HLam
So, the flight path of this arrow pretty much demonstrates Obama's poll numbers since he assumed the throne, err, won the election, to present day.

Best of metalgarth
Joe Biden's fighting force of extraordinary magnitude will cost $14,000,000,000,000,00.00. He doesn't have our gratitude.

Best of Submariner
Biden; "I didn't realize Mongolian bar-b-que started with a 'bring your own meat' requirement..."

Best of Steve O
Of course, REAL Mongolian gangsters turn their baseball cap backwards.

Best of Double the U
To the amusement of the hosts every time Biden released an arrow he made a "peeeeeeeewww" sound.

Best of Rodney Dill
I shot an arrow in the air,
It hit the President's derriere.
The Secret Service is still uptight,
but MY approval #'s are outasight!

How About Some Sheriff Joe, for a Change of Pace


1. Man in Hat: "Dearly Beloved, We are gathered today in the presence of God and these witnesses, to join these two in the sacred bonds of matrimony."

2. Little known secrets about Joe Biden; he loves getting titty-twisters.

3. Joe Biden's global search for an outfit Army of Mom doesn't own takes him to Mongolia. He's pretty sure she doesn't have that hat.

4. Joe Biden finally comes face-to-face with the infamous Tea Party leader known as Kuato!

5. Awesome! MTV brought back Celebrity Deathmatch. I'm rooting for Stephen Seagal (on the left).

Threadwinner: Rodney Dill
Joe: "Candygram for Mongol"

Best of Double the U
Chink Graham, Sumo wrestler, is here. Open your eyes chink, you need to see everything. Oh God love you, what am I talking about? I tell you what, you're making everybody else open their eyes, though, pal. I tell you what, Open your eyes for Chink.

Best of GregMan
"What? You're who's behind all the phony term paper spam on CapThis?!?"

Best of metalgarth
Mortal Kombat 9: Best graphics & worst characters all rolled into one.

Best of Dr. Doom
"In this corner we have Hioshi 'Tea Party' Tanaka and in this corner we have Joe 'The Terrorizer' Biden", intoned the ring announcer...

Best of Submariner
"So there I was, standing at the urinal, and the Secretary of State comes walking in like this..."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Careful Joe, Lookin' 'em in the eyes is considered the ultimate challenge."

Assistant Threadwinner jj
Biden, "I must warn you, I played football in Polk High School".

Best of Steve O
As he has defended himself many times in the past, Biden craps his pants to create separation between himself and his opponent.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Hey, Guess Who Just Saw His Approval Numbers

Jack Creature


1. I have got to remember not to sit in an armored SUV after M'Chel makes a run to the border.

2.John Boehner really needs to lay off the tanning.

3. It's getting harder and harder for Obama to read the Teleprompter and dodge spitwads at the same time.

4."The price of arugula is even more horrible than I imagined."

5. "I personally destroyed America? Then. this is the happiest day of my life!"

Best of jj
Damn, m'chelle wants sex again!?!?

Best of Dr. Doom
"Really guys, this is too much, I didn’t even know there was a Nobel prize for vacationing", sighed the President tearfully, "What's that? Oh, Guinness Worldbook Prize... that makes a lot more sense."

Best of Submariner
Uh, memories;
misty, um, water-colored memories...

Best of Submariner
Send in the clowns.
There ought to be clowns.
Don't bother - I'm here...

Best of dadoctah
"It's not coming off! I'm wiping and wiping and it's *NOT COMING OFF*!!!"

Best of mega
Pack of cards, $3.00. Holding up the Queen of Diamonds at an Obama campaign event: priceless.

Best of Rodney Dill
The Ennui of ultimate power is exhausting... time for another vacation.

Best of Vinneh
"Here's some scary shit. I just took a piss and Chris Matthews was in the urinal next to me."

Best of GregMan
"*Sob* My approval numbers are falling so fast it's going to cause an earthquake."
What, too soon?

Best of Spineless Vertebra
Sir, I know you haven't made V the K's best of list in two weeks, but I'm sure it's nothing personal.

Best of Steve O
Awwww. Did someone just lose their job to an ATM machine?

Best of Cricket
Under this is the real Harrison J. Bounel."

Tuning Him Out


Best of Dr. Doom
"Hey people, give me a break", said Mr. Obama, "Worrying about the economy is for people who are not on vacation"...

Best of jj
Think she's listening to country/western? Didn't think so.

Best of dadoctah
"You can get wit dis, or you can get wit dat, or you can get wit dis, or you can get wit dat...doo...dah...dippity!"

Best of Submariner
I'm list'nin' to Tupac. Hand me a spliffy, Barry...

Best of Rodney Dill
Michelle: "Ask me if I want a corndog one more time and I'll bitch slap you."



Ripped from the Headlines

Al


1. "I said I wanted a McRIB sandwich and a large DIET coke. What's the matter, don't you speak English?"

2. Another victim of the Obama economy begs for a handout.

3. "Kobe... I'm open... I'm... (sobbing) open..." Moammar comes to terms with what is probably his last Cap This appearance.

4. "But... but... Army of Mom... I got this outfit from you!"

5. INVISBLE SANDWICH NOM NOM NOM.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Ordinarily I'm a live and let live kind of guy", explained Mr. Gaddafi, "But like most citizens of the world I have to draw the line at Anti-Dub Fridays"...

Best of Submariner
Five.
Five Lyra,
Five Lyra, 33 centimeter long...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I'll be baaach! See, I can still say that with a straight face, just like Arnold!

Best of metalgarth
Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?

Best of GregMan
"But if I flee now, those kids will never get off my lawn!"

Best of jj
Stuart Margolin regrets being re-cast as Angel in the upcoming Rockford Files movie.

Best of dadoctah
"I'm looking for my Ukrainian nurse; maybe you've seen her? She had a rack about this big...."

Best of divine miss m
One taka, two taka, baksheesh...

Best of racerboy
Take my wife. Please.

Best of Dactyl
I once ruled a country thiiiis biiiig.

Best of prince of leaves
"But why? Why won't you spare a few minutes to hear about Ron Paul? Is it because you hate liberty?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Cheeburger Cheeburger cheeps pepsi, no coke... Live from New York its Saturday Night"

Best of Submariner
You entered the Cash Cab! Wanna play?

Threadwinner: Spin
MISS ME YET?

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Carried Away



1. After one two many shouts of "Pitcher, show me your balls," Army of Mom is forcefully ejected from the Little League World Series.

2. Randi Rhodes on any typical Saturday night... or Tuesday morning... or Thursday afternoon ... or ...

3. The Fashion Police practice for post-Labor Day white shoe enforcement.

4. After using women as human shields for a while, the Taliban discovered they make pretty good battering rams as well.

5. When planking met fisting.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Reports say that Obamacare proctology exams are going to be very rushed.

Best of dadoctah
For everyone who's been asking "where da white women at?" the shipment was just delivered.

Best of Dr. Doom
Ramming Speed!...

Best of Vinneh
"You're going to get your picture taken with the President whether you like it or not."

Best of Submariner
The Russian team lost points at the International Lifeguard Challenge when they rescued the suntan lotion stand's manikin instead of as 83 year old who was drowing.

Redneck Tableau



1. "Dang, Ma, we'll never make it to Martha's Vineyard at this rate."

2.Any given Wal-Mart parking lot on any given Saturday.

3. "There must be a way we con shove a few more air conditioners into a few more windows."

4. In later years, the Mystery Machine was swapped for a trailer, and Fred and Daphne really let themselves go.

5. The new Homeland Security "See Something Say Something" PSA stubbornly continued the practice of portraying anybody but Muslims as potential terrorists.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Atomic Batteries to Power, Turbines to speed..."

Best of Robert
Paw - caint ewe stawp eatin' them funnel cakes long 'nuff fer me to clean up this mess ewe made in this char?

Best of blue
Where da Walmart??? We need more depends......

Best of Censors Hip
"...and that shiny black bus will take you to the Soylent Green Senior Center!!!!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Turns out ma & pa's combined weight cut the MPG to 3, so Edwina dropped them off on the side of the road and continued on to Disneyworld.

Threadwinner: Mr Hankey
Isn't this how all Redneck pornos start??

Best of Dr. Doom
Flounder finally proves that fat, drunk, and stupid is the way to go through life...

Best of Submariner
If the Star Wars saga had been writtne by Steinbech.

Best of JohnS1959
In Joe Biden's world, this is a Tea Party sleeper cell...

Best of Vinneh
"Thelma, if it wasn't for winning Power Ball this dream vacation would have never happened."

Have You Heard About Ron Paul?

Friday, August 19, 2011

Where De White Children At?


1. "I'd like to, um, thank, um, all of you, um, little crackers ... in advance for the, ... um, lifetime of poverty you will endure to pay off my, um, debt."

2. One of these things sure as f--king hell isn't like all of the others.

3. "The corn wants what? What the hell are you little crackers talking about?


4. "No, little crackers, when I ask for 'a little blow,' it means something totally different than when the Safe School Czar asks." 


5. Billy answered, "Well, Mr President, I used to want to be a NASA Rocket Scientist when I grew up. But you sure as f--k pissed all over that idea, didn't you?"

Best of sonicfrog
Just like the Magical Mystery Bus Tour, the effort to lower the voting age to six is also NOT political.

Best of Dr. Doom
The scene moments after Mr. Obama informed the kids that they would never have to pay taxes because they would never be "rich".

Best of Double the U
The AP first ran the story with the words "predominantly white crowd", but changed the statement to read "a culturally rich diverse group of immigrant children who admired the President."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Bad Touch!! Oh, no wait, it's a boy child. Nevermind.

Best of GregMan
"Tell us again about how Amerikkka sucks, Mr. President!"

Best of dub
Obama stops for a photo op with 57 kids....one from each state.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Worst. Find Waldo. Ever.

Best of Mr Hankey
So parents....if you ever want to see your kids again...

Best of Jack Reacher
"...and on the way out you'll pass by the ACORN booth. They'll have some papers for y'all to sign."

Anti-Dub Friday

Garth


1. "Hey, mom, didn't we used to have a sister?"

2. On the left, the Paul Ryan budget. On the right, the Tea Party budget. In the center, the "compromise" budget. Not pictured, the Obama budget, because satellite imaging was not available.

3."Hey, mom, didn't we used to have two dogs?"


4. "Damn, Aunt Michele. Who would have thought you'd bloat up that much from one corn dog."

5. At first, Rick and Billy were upset by mom's weight gain. But having Princess Leia dance for their pleasure in a gold metal bikini was more or less worth it.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"There's a thin beautiful girl trapped inside trying to get out." Yeah? What possessed you to EAT her in the first place???

Best of Rodney Dill
"How many of them there corndogs did you eat Ma?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"The camera adds 300 pounds."

Best of GregMan
A metaphor for how big government crowds out job creation in the private sector. Really, really big government.

Best of Dr. Doom
Wow that is one well built... couch...

Best of Rodney Dill
That's no moon....

Best of dub
We're gonna need a bigger sack of flour.

Best of Steve O
Middle America.
There. I said it.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"You can have my couch, M'chelle Obama, when you pry my cold, dead butt cheeks out of it."

Best of dadoctah
To be fair, Molly actually *is* big-boned. You know, like a triceratops....

Best of Matt the K
Yo momma so fat, when she sits around the house, the couch says 'to be continued'.

Best of jj
Somewhere in America theres a gynecologist about to commit suicide.

Best of divine miss m
When she hangs out her underwear to dry, the neighbors lose an hour's daylight.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Of Coursets Thursday


Much more at The Brigade, my new go-to for Thursday babeosity.

Just Give In to the Boobs

The title of this post could also be Obama's 2012 Campaign slogan.


The Brigade, of course

Public Service Announcement

Pennsylvania Democrat State Representative Michael Sturla, fresh from explaining how drilling for natural gas causes STD's in women, further elucidates on matters of feminine hygiene:


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Hot Chicks of the Wisconsin Teacher's Unions

Al


1. Eager members of the press corps assume the position in expectation of President Obama's arrival.

2. "Sorry, Mr. Olbermann... those are Mr. Maddow's groupies."

3. At her sorority's 20th anniversary reunion, Bertha showed she was still limber enough to win over the offensive line in the customary Kappa Kappa Gamma manner.

4. Every family get-together, without fail, Aunt Jean would get drunk and reminisce about her days as an intern in the Clinton Administration.

5. [INSERT 72 VIRGINS REFERENCE HERE]

Best of Rodney Dill
"Who took my f*ck'n corndog?"

Best of Double the U
Tell that stupid Tea-bagger that we *ARE* working.

Best of Jack Reacher
Genifer just learned she may qualify for a motorized chair at little or no cost to herself.

Best of jj
Where the hell is my doctor's note???

Best of Submariner
Maude always left 'em rolling in the aisles when she sang the national anthem as Roseanne Barr.

Best of Artfldgr
Look Claire, i dont care what that psychic said, your not the reincarnation of Al Jolson, and people dont like Mammy any more...

Best of Dactyl
Honest this time: "Real Housewives of R'lyeh, coming this fall on Bravo."

Best of Artfldgr
Jennifer was so surprised when the strap on her new Wonderbra snapped...

Best of PabloD
That's not a beer; it's a half-pint of gravy...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
NASA's limited budget means they can only attempt to recreate a black hole by colliding obese women into each other at very slow speeds.

Best of custom essay
The crowd at the Stevie Nicks concert is starting to look dated! This nice thanks!

Best of blue
Hey meester, you sleep with my sisteer, for 100 pesos she be a virgin for you, 72 times...

Best of GregMan
Can't believe no one came up with this one yet:
"Get in mah bellah!"

The Giant Black Weiner Mobile


1. "Where the frak are we? Biden, gimme that map!"

2. "The wheels on the bus go 'round and... um... round... all... dammit, how does it go? Get me my damn Teleprompter."

3. ORA: As Malachi's shouts of "Outlander! Outlander! We have your woman!" faded in his ears, Obama could only smile.

4. "Somebody made the mistake of asking that Dawn woman to sit in the back and... well... it's just a godawful mess back there."

5. "If we spend less than $50,000,000 an hour, this bus will explode."

Best of Dr. Doom
The Obama Misery Tour bus stops in Iowa so the President can fertilize a wheat field with his campaign rhetoric.

Best of sonicfrog
ORA: “There is a world, just beyond now, where reality runs a razor thin seam between fact and possibility; where the laws of the present collide with the crimes of tomorrow. Patrolling these vast outlands is a new breed of lawman, guarding the fringes of society’s frontiers, they are known simply as ‘Highwaymen’... and this is their story...”

Best of Jack Reacher
You call it corn, we call it downgrade.

Best of sonicfrog
David Attenborough: "... And, like a lion in the Sarengeti, we see - how stealthfully - this magnificent creature of the wild - stalks it's Conservative prey..."

Best of jimmy
Bogged down? No problem. We can count on government to come pull us out.

Oh, hell!

Best of metalgarth
Black helicopters are so 1990s and have too big of a 'carbon footprint'

Best of GregMan
Andrew Sullivan sighed and said, "It's big, and black, and long, and hard! It even has Obama in it! Home run!"

Best of jj
This one'll never bottom out like the limo in London. M'chelle's on the other bus.

Best of Submariner
...and then the President was wished behind the wheat...

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Why am I hearing "The Ride of the Valkyries" being played on six kazoos and a juice harp?

Best of Dactyl
It's engine humming quietly, it's magnificent grill and foretires eagerly awaiting prey to be thrown under them, the great Barakosaurus Federalus will crouch patiently in the underbrush for days on end, if necessary. Waiting for a herd of unwitting taxpayers, perhaps; or a lone former ally that's grown weak and outlived it's usefulness to the Hope Collective...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Can it do wheelies?? Perhaps if Michelle moved to the back of the bus. Ooops, sorry sir, poor choice of words.

Best of Rodney Dill
Cue the theme from "Jaws"

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Four Bitches


1. "Gerbils are for amateurs, dahling."

2. Would it convince you to vote for Michele Bachmann if you consider these two guys definitely will not?

3. And if Al Sharpton's show doesn't work out, MSNBC has lots of other potential hosts on their bench,

4. If you were looking for two guys who have absolutely no opinions on whether Aaron Rodgers can lead the Packers to a repeat next year, I think I may have found them.

5. Guests of the Premier of Sex in the City III received complimentary souvenir Sarah Jessica Parker dolls.

Best of Rodney Dill
Next on the National Geographic Channel - Dog Lisperers

Best of GregMan
The Slippery Slope Argument is proved right again as Todd and Lawrence wed Tiddles and Princess in an elaborate double wedding in Manhattan.

Best of Dr. Doom
"I don't care what the stud fee was", barked Max, "I'm not doing that again Rex."

Best of USMC2841
A pitcher, a catcher, some rubber ball fetchers.

Best of Adriane
SO QUIT SAVING PEOPLE MONEY ON INSURANCE ALREADY!!11!!!11!!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Stay tuned for The Maury Povich Show and the results of one of the strangest paternity test requests ever.

Best of metalgarth
Ang Lee presents: "Dog Day Afternoon"

Best of Spin
Roy felt much safer but Siegfried thought the new act lacked 'teh PIZZAZZ'

Two Princes



1. "No, 'Darling Nikki' wasn't written about Princess Diana... Prince Edward, actually."

2. ORA: Prince Charles declined Prince's offer for a game of basketball and pancakes, and instead went over to Eddie Murphy's house and f--ked up his couch.

3.  "How are you enjoying your olive and pickle slice cocktail, Your Highness?"

4. ORA: "What a coincidence we were both assigned to Golgafrinchan Ark Fleet Ship B."

5. "The rioters done set my little red Corvette on fire." 

Best of Jack Reacher
One is a wealthy has-been of dubious sexuality and...well, actually, that's both of them. Carry on.

Best of Rodney Dill
DRUDGEBREAKING: Prince of Wales meets Prince that wails.

Best of blue
"Want to share a corndog?"

Best of Dr. Doom
Etiquette faux pas in 3...2...1

Best of Vinneh
"You're a Negro. Where can I score some horse? And I don't mean my wife Camilla."

Monday, August 15, 2011

Mitt Romney and His Hair

Because I am feeling under the weather....


When did Mittens get the second head attached? I like it. Very Beeblebroxian.

Best of Rodney Dill
    "So how YOU doin'?"

Best of racerboy
    "I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this hairstyle."

Best of Oiao
    "I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve of the way Bachman eats corndogs!"

Best of dadoctah
    Campaign strategy: surround yourself with people who look like the guy in the white cap so you come off even more drop-dead gorgeous by comparison.

Best of Submariner
    GLAD to meet you; forget about Romneycare.
    Glad to MEET you; forget about Romney-care.
    Glad to meet YOU; forget about...

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Michele Bachmann... No-o-o-o-o-o--o-o-o-o-o-o!




Best of prince of leaves
    "Oh yeah? Well I bet Tim Pawlenty can't do THIS! [guglglguguugggugulglgl] Hah!"

Best of Rodney Dill
    She sucked out the gay and now its completely straight.

Best of mpur
    Now that's how you win a straw poll.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    I was very interested in her speech...
    then very, very interested...
    and then I lost interest.

Threadwinner: Dactyl
    NOM NOM NOM

Best of GregMan
    At least she can fall back on a position as Safe Schools Czar if the primaries don't break her way.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
    "How deep is your love..."

Best of dadoctah
    "...and next it's off to the petting zoo to get photographed stroking some anacondas."

Best of Submariner
    Bachman Weiner Overbite

Best of dadoctah
    This is what passes for porn in Iowa.

Best of Steve O
    Michele Bachmann, moving up in the poles...

The Things We Used to Do on Grass


1. "What a crock. There were no auditions for South Pacific. I hate freshman hazing week."

2. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't know the Avalon Ballroom had a dress code.We'll just go home and play WoW or something."

3. Barney Frank lamented the end of the House Page program, but at least there would be one last luau.

4. "You might wanna start running. Old Man Sullivan is gettin' out his Weed Whacker."

5. "... the really disappointing part is we still didn't get the Klondike bar."

Best of prince of leaves
Creatively bankrupt Hollywood's latest retread of the "fish out of water" plot motif involved albino headhunters relocated to suburban San Diego.

Best of blue
"Are we Pacific Islanders or Kenyans??"
"Don't know dude, either way we're racist!"

Best of Double the U
So then I said, "She'll never swallow an entire foot long corn dog in one bite!" and I made this bet... and so here we are.

Best of Silhouette
But, because they had V's, all the V-Chested Sneetches
Would brag, “We’re the best kind of Sneetch on the beaches.”

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I can't help wondering if the residents of Chicago's South Side are going to fully appreciate the ORA of our Gilligan's Island Halloween costumes.

Best of Banana Republican
This way to Army of Mom's Luau

Best of Vinneh
Now that Don't Ask Don't Tell has been repealed a couple of Hawaiian National Guard troops show up for their monthly drill.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
No Ted. I DON'T think they would have let us in if I "woulda just painted a V on my chest too," so will you just freakin' drop it?

Best of USMC2841
No way dude. I'm the Gilligan that saved Mary Ann from headhunters. You can be the Gilligan that saved Mrs. Howell.

Best of Rodney Dill
"So why is your screen name Corndog?"
"I'll explain later."

Best of Submariner
Why did that Dawn lady's head blow up when I explained we're "spear-chuckers?"

Friday, August 12, 2011

More Fridays Star Wars Stuff

From Phloggie


Little Known Star Wars Factoids

1. George Lucas copied the Star Wars idea almost word for word from an unpublished manuscript by author Lyman Frank Baum.

2. Vader's loathing for androids and little creatures stems from the Empire's embarrassing early defeat in The Yellow Brick Road Massacre.

3. Judy Garland lost out for the role of Princess Leia after refusing a screen test for a risque partial nudity threesome with Harrison Ford and Chewy in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon.

4. The original Death Star was a hot air balloon with a big magnifying glass.

5. James Earl Jones still suffers nightmares involving little people with sharp pointy objects.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I'll get you my sweeties and your little droidie too."

Best of GregMan
"Lord Vader! Let us tell you about Ron Paul!"

Best of dadoctah
Beneath the mask, whatever small fragment remains of Anakin Skywalker thinks back to the Jawas who used to steal his milk money when he was a small child on Tatooine.
This would not end well.

Best of Adriane
You know, I just haven't been the same since that Death Star fell on my sister ...

Best of blue
"You just had to look behind the curtain, didn't you!!"

Best of Spin
Bob tried Enzyte™ and just look at his Schwartz now.

Best of Double the U
Now that whole playing Pink Floyd's Dark Side Of The Moon" while watching this movie makes sense.

Best of prince of leaves
"I sense a diminutive disturbance in the Force. Several of them, actually..."

Best of Dr. Doom
Who knew that the Lolly Pop Guild was really a deep cover Sith cell all along?

Friday Guesties from Phloggie

Cue the Bon Jovi



1. Nothing says "27-year old runaway nerd" like a sleeping bag and pushcart.
2. Thanks to a generous donation from George Lucas, his hometown issues the local bag ladies nice outerwear before it gets too cold.
3. Australia's Ozone Hole demands Coppertone's SPF-50,000 skin protection.
4. The Lompoc State Prison warden has a great sense of humor. When you've done your time, his parting gift is a new set of threads.
5. Stormtrooper Thawtbubble: I can't believe Darth up and left me at the gas station AGAIN!

Best of Vinneh
After he sang and grab his crotch the imperial stormtrooper was discharged from the Death Star dishonorably.

Best of Rodney Dill
“Guess next time I’ll eat my peas.”

Best of Rodney Dill
Casey Anthony finds a way to travel the country relatively easily without bother.

Best of mpur
Not pictured: Cardboard sign with handwritten message: "Clone Wars veteran. Anything will help. God bless."

Best of blue
"Boy, you ask for Jussipussi at the store & they run you out of town!!"

Best of metalgarth
Imperial Walker: UR DOIN IT RONG

Best of dadoctah
Fifty miles outside of San Diego, the day after Comicon.

Best of prince of leaves
It's a shame that this Empire can't take better care of its discharged war veterans.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Well how do you like that?", thought the storm trooper, "Dishonorably discharged from the Empire just for actually hitting something with my blaster"...

Best of Dr. Doom
"Dang it", thought the Storm Trooper as he sullenly trudged along, "I guess those really were the 'droids we were looking for"...

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Bowling for Skanks



Best of dadoctah
Well, actually that's not what a "spare" means at all...but what the heck, I'll take it.

Best of Rodney Dill
My ball isn't the only thing I need to get out of the gutter.

Best of divine miss m
♫ Take the skank chicks bowling, take them bowling...♫

Best of jj
My money's on the blonde making the pin fit the....um...gutter.

Best of metalgarth
Difference between skank on the left and the bowling ball:
You can only fit 3 fingers in the bowling ball

Best of dub
Oh sure, like the white ones are really that big.

Best of mega
"Bowling kills animals! Don't eat Meat!"

Best of Adriane
It's an efficiency thing, see? Instead of bowling for dollars and using them to impress skanks ... you go straight for the skanks! See?

More of Them Women from The Brigade



Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Whoever That Is Has Really Let Herself Go

Divine Miss M

(It's Sinead O'Connor)

Captions from an Ugly Chick Thread at AoSHQ

1. She was so ugly as a baby, her mom had to feed her with a slingshot.

2. She's so ugly, that when she went to the zoo, the guard said: "Thanks for bringing her back."

3. She's so ugly that when she tried to enter an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

4. She's so ugly that when she goes to the bank they turn off the surveilance cameras.

5. She's so ugly that when she checks into a hotel, she's required to post an additional deposit for possible carpet cleaning.

Best of USMC2841
She's so ugly Big Foot comes out of the woods to take pictures of her.

Best of metalgarth
Rumor has it the prom was cancelled in fear that she was someone's date.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ethel was disappointed with her 3rd Place finish in the Televangelist Idol contest.

Best of Spin
The Pope wasn't all that 'tore-up' since Sinead let herself go.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
She's so ugly that Lemmiwinks was refused to enter.

Best of Censors Hip
That women so ugly the pope tore up her picture.

Best of Rodney Dill
...and just after 10 weeks of attending the Hillary Clinton School of Beauty.

Best of Rodney Dill
"What hump?"

Best of GregMan
Rosie O'donnell finds religion. Religion runs away screaming.

Best of Matt the K
It's been seven hours and fifteen years
Since you took my mirror away
I eat out every night and sleep all day
Since you took my scale away...

Best of divine miss m
My new diet includes an 8 x 10 glossy of this on the fridge door and a wallet-size on every pint of Ben & Jerry's.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
It's over, it's over!!! The fat lady is singing!!

Shopping, London Style




1. "Don't bother going to the Old Navy. Dawn already cleaned that place out."

2. ORA: "Quick, get these boxes to Professor Farnsworth. They contain two alternative universes."

3. Theresa and Joanie thought a race riot would be a great opportunity to give away free puppies, but the rioters just set them on fire and tossed them through shop windows. 

4. "Viddy well, my droogies, time to indulge in a bit of the old ultraviolence," who would have thought in 1968 that 'A Clockwork Orange' would be more prescient than '2001: A Space Odyssey.'"

5. "Whew! Packers! Packers won the Super Bowl! Whew! Packers!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Canada, December 26th

Best of Rodney Dill
The original SNL skit, Dick Cheney in a box, was later modified before airing.

Best of Jack Reacher
"What? We're just heading to the FedEx office."

Best of dadoctah
Not a good sign for the economy when UPS eliminated trucks.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
This way, mates! Walmart's got that great "no questions asked" return policy!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
If either of those gentlemen is Justin Timberlake, might I advise you to not look inside the box?

Best of GregMan
ATWCHE - And Then Winston Churchill's Head Exploded

Best of Aussie Rob
Mum never used "the good dishes" anyway...

Best of mega
Man, those iPhone 1s were huge.

Best of mega
"Hey Nigel, what does A-n-t-h-r-a-x S-p-o-r-e-s mean?"

Best of jimmy
The joke was on Trevor and Pippa, as they got home and found they'd looted two of Princess Beatrice's god-awful hats.

Best of Adriane
Oh Sh!t, you fed it after midnight didn't you!?!

Best of Double the U
"I have no idea what I am going to do with 5000 plastic sporks but F*

Wednesdays with Phloggie

Phloggie


1. Watch out, Pearl Harbor, those crafty Germans are almost ready!

2. "Journey to the Center of the Earth" was originally intended to be a plausible explanation for the disappearance of the Red Baron.

3. Congressmen vehemently deny that their dysfunctional handling of the FAA situation had any impact on flights.

4. The first recorded attempt by a woman to parallel park.*

5. Oh, those crazy young men in their flying machines, they go up diddly up up, they go down diddly down down.


* Hey, Phloggie wrote it, not me. Put that rolling pin down, Divine Miss M and Army of Mom!

Best of Rodney Dill
"Damn that beagle."

Best of dwhawk
ORA: Ant Farm and Stanley March III break ground on the new public art installation: Cessna Ranch.

Best of blue
graduate of the ObamAA+ flying school

Best of Vinneh
These Fokkers are hard to land.

Best of Matt the K
Fokker??! I didn't ev --well actually I did fokker.

Best of dadoctah
9/11 plans, first draft.
(What, too soon?)

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: The Psi-Corps' early Black Omega designs left something to be desired.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
WARNING: PLANET DOES NOT YIELD TO ONCOMING TRAFFIC

Threadwinner: sonicfrog
ORA: Oh, did we forget to mention the steering wheel was borrowed from the Chevy Cruze?

Best of Steve O
It was Bernanke's first time at the controls, but his super-sharp pilot instincts told him that he should keep on doing the same thing for at least another year.

Best of Submariner
Hans really stuck that dismount!

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Multiculturalism at its Finest


Where the Little White Boys At?


1.With Chris Hansen sidelined by his own scandals, pedos just plain ran amok.

2. "Hey, Mom! Tyrone and his friend Jamal are gonna take me back to their room and show me how to make an Oreo cookie!"

3. "Moesha! You've been working out!"

4. If you don't pay the bill for your In Vitro fertilization, don't be surprised when the Repo Men show up.

5."We extend this laurel and hearty handshake to our town's new... pedophile."

Best of dadoctah
Coming this fall to a drive-in near you, AIP presents "Creature from the Lagoon of Color". In 3D.

Best of metalgarth
You've been warned. Don't go to "The Dred Butt Pirate Roberts' Water Park"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
As Harry was carried off kicking and screaming, his evil stepfather looked up from his evening paper and yelled, "See, I told ya, the boogeyman really does exist!"

Best of Dr. Doom
In other news, the government announced that it will be expanding its 'Share the Load' program. Kids as young as twelve will now be issued an underprivileged child to carry on their back and the child may not be small...

Threadwinner: Matt the K
"Theo's Vanilla Pudding Pop" was a Cosby Show episode best left unwatched.

Best of Jack Reacher
Thirty years from now when Jason is sentenced to federal prison for embezzlement, he'll remember this moment. Every night.

Best of Vinneh
You know things are quieting down the looting in England is down to stealing swimming trunks.

Girls Are More Fun



I actually can't think of any captions for this, but I felt like I owed you.

Monday, August 08, 2011

Love the Kicky Scarf, Bam-Bam


1. "He's loved buttless leather chaps ever since Frank Marshall Davis used to play 'cowboys and oppressed people of color' with him."

2. "We were gonna, um, be the Village People, but, um, Axelrod thought the um, construction worker outfit was too lumpen proletariat for him."

3. "I borrowed it from Joe Biden. The pockets are still stuffed with 'Bazooka Joe' cartoons. Guy finds them hilarious for some reason."

4. How The West Was Lost.

5. Naturally, being a total space cadet, Joe Biden obligingly dressed up as Buzz Lightyear. 

Best of Censors Hip
(well, someone has to say it......)
"Excuse me while I whip this out."

Best of HLam
"There's a new Community Organizer in town."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Daing it John Maynard", lisped the President, "I just cain't quit you"...

Best of blue
"Where da gay cowboy poetry reading at?"

Best of metalgarth
Why can't the MSM quit you?

Best of Rodney Dill
"Lift the debt ceiling.... You'd do it for Randolph Scott!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Sorry 15 Trillion Schnitzengruben is my limit."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Dances With Downgrades"

Best of Submariner
Who the hell was THAT woman and why did her head just blow up?

Best of Spin
Western holster worn over 'mom jeans' ... EPIC FAIL

Best of Artfldgr
Can you believe it? All on sale at Urban Outfitters...

Best of JohnS1959
On our next episode President Howdy will explain macro-economics to Buffalo Bob while blaming the country's economic woes on Lamb Chop...

Best of Frankie Lane
Obama: Rolling, rolling, rolling ...
...Um, Mr. President, there aren't any cattle...
Obama: Cattle?!? We're rolling the American Taxpayers!

Best of mpur
Obama is looking forward to the Village People reunion tour.

Best of Rodney Dill
Little known facts #1145: Kemosabe is Kenyan for community organizer... who knew?

I picked it just for you

blue


1. Little did the kid realize that hocking a loogie on a female's shoes was a Klingon marriage proposal.

2.The First Lady and Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner make a rare joint appearance to push the president's stimulus plan.

3. And after digging around for a while, Billy came up with a new Obama economic strategy.

4. "I'm not even mad. I'm just amazed he could pull this outta there."

5. "Now that we have the human specimen, we shall begin the probing."

Threadwinner: Jack Reacher
"And now, a boy with a Teleprompter up his nose."

Best of blue
"on a scale of 1 to 10, she's a zero on my MILF meter!"

Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner dub
Once again, Billy picks something better than Obama to be President.

Best of HLam
Tip to youngster: "Hey Kid, you'll get nothing out of the Left. Eveyone knows the Right has everything."

Best of Rodney Dill
"This is not funny, I need a much larger vibrator than this."

Best of dadoctah
M'shel better put on her Ray-Bans before she fires off that MIB amnesia device.

Best of Double the U
Pretty good for his first pick, Jimmy try your left nostril now.

Best of Dr. Doom
"What is this Mrs. Jones, a Happy Meal toy?", shrieked the First Lady as she turned to her secretary and instructed, "Have the Safe Schools Czar send this entire school district to the re-education camps immediately!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Alright, that's not nice... stop calling him "Biden." At least Little Billy knows how to count to 3.

Best of Rodney Dill
Dawn's son takes extraordinary measures to keep his head from exploding.

Best of mpur
M'Chel demonstrates the safe schools czar approved rectal thermometer.

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Weekend All Skate

Sondra K


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Had the rowboat not come along to provide scale, a nearsighted drooling voyeur with a camera might have hid in the trees all day waiting for her to stand up.

Best of jj
One man in rowboat to other, "Man, she doesn't have that clean, fresh feeling...or scent!"

Best of blue
Big Betty cools off after her date with Big Ben

Best of Rodney Dill
"RAMMING SPEED!"

Best of Submariner
Looks like Shelley Winters escaped from the Poseidon...

Best of Rodney Dill
Nemo never was found

Best of Adriane
Look, your Lady of the Lakeship! Blades over 4 inches are illegal here ... and besides, I've got me a nice life here on the dole. Why would I want to be King of England?

Best of Rodney Dill
Suddenly Earl's electric submarine design, running on 20,000 D-cells, didn't seem like such a bad idea.

Friday, August 05, 2011

Let Me Be Blunt

Brender


1. Obama's economic team formulates their new stimulus strategy.

2. When the New York Times began printing on hemp-based paper, you could literally breathe in the radicalism.

3.  "Amateurs," sniffed Woody Harrelson.

4. Eventually, the Police learned to deal with the violent flash mob movement by just handing out giant spleefs at public events.

5. And that's when Van Jones decided he was, like, for sure, going to challenge Obama in the primaries.

Best of dub
Bill Clintons other interns lament "No, that's not getting the taste out of my mouth either".

Best of dadoctah
Due to a mixup in dispatching, Ebenezer Scrooge was visited by the wrong "Marley's ghost".

Best of Dr. Doom
CBS News poll results are hard to reconcile until you meet their statisticians...

Best of divine miss m
Jamaica's generous foreign aid program did little to help Haiti rebuild, but sure took their minds off the problem.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
That 70's Show: Jamaica

Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner mega
Break time at Chrysler.

Best of JohnS1959
"Sorry guys, this was the best I could do", explained the DNC Policy Team Facilitator. "The folks over at MoveOn.org got all of the crack"...

Best of USMC2841
For some reason Willie Nelson sells out every time he plays Jamaica.

Best of jj
Detroit City Council prepares for another session...

Best of Rodney Dill
RICOLAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Best of Steve O
Yeah, well... so... back in the States we have Hot Dog eating contests!

Best of Submariner
The Haitian Synchronized Spliffy Smoke-Ring Mummer's group never wins.

They really don't care.

Best of Artfldgr
This? OH this!... its a vuvula thingie. Smoke? what smoke officer? oh my god someone set fire to my vuvula!

Best of Rodney Dill
,,,then the trumpeter's began to play the Charlie Sheen Fanfare.

Crotch-Grabbing-Storm-Trooper Friday Is Probabaly Destined to be a One Shot



1. ♪"Aayla Secura is not my lover/She's just a Jedi who claims that I am the one/But the youngling is not my son..." ♪

2. The dance and corresponding symbols are somewhat different in Aurebesh.

3. And then the dildo completely disappeared inside him and it was the sickest caption evah!

4. "Why, yes, I went to the same anti-gay therapist as Rick. How did you know?"

5. These are not the loins you're looking for.

Best of HLam
"Should I use the weights over there to bulk up and maybe find a girlfriend? Nah, I'll just dress up and play with my light saber."

Best of Double the U
ORA: Dark Helmet was upset when Major Asshole didn't clean the dishes in the apartment they shared.

Best of Dr. Doom
If George Lucas did a remake of Thriller...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Itching powder. Greatest gag ever.

Best of metalgarth
TK 729 found out he had the highest score at target practice: 5 hits out of 300 shots fired.

Best of Mr Hankey
Some clones will turn up a little deficient...like Kyle here.

Best of Rodney Dill
Freebird!

Best of dadoctah
I just felt a sudden disturbance in the Force. As if millions of crabs cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

Best of divine miss m
Soon after his career went stratospheric, Jackson went extraterrestrial.

Best of Submariner
Looks like Lucas and Spielberg are remaking "Saturday Night Fever." The main question is "Why?"

Best of Vinneh
How bad is Karaoke Night on the Death Star?