Saturday, July 30, 2011

Aw, C'mon Mom!



1. "Aw, c'mon mom. Why can't I watch them blow up the dead whale with the other kids?"
2. "Mom, get lost! I'm just one hot chick away from appearing on the Hot Chicks with Douchebags blog."

3. "Forget it, mom. I've made up my mind. I'm having the sex change, no matter how imperfect the results are." A pivotal event in the life of young Rubin Maddow.

4. "Geez, mom. I have my perfect all black Goth beach ensemble, and you have to ruin it with this stupid white hat. I hate you, you bitch!"

5. "Mom, I appreciate your effort to be supportive, but if you insist on documenting every minute of my trip to Fire Island, I'm never gonna get laid."

6. Tom Cruz confronts the papparazzi.

7. "Why am I upset? Hurley ate all my food, Sawyer gave me the nickname 'Shimp-dick,' and that creepy Richard guy keeps asking me to join 'the others' in some creepy ageless Neverland deal. I *hate* this stupid island!"

8. Ang Lee's remake of Gilligan's Island was called off do to creative differences; specifically, Justin "Gilligan" Bieber's refusal to do love scenes with Brian "The Skipper" Dennehy.

Best of blue
"But Mom!!! Even Captain America Wanks."

Best of Double the U
Quick, get the picture of the jellyfish in my mouth!

Best of GregMan
"Aw, c'mon mom, you know damn well you don't have this outfit!"

Best of Submariner
Would you put the camera down, fer Gaia's sake? This erection's lasted over four hours already!

Best of Jack Reacher
"We elected Obama, and the oceans did not begin to recede! I'm beginning to think it was all a bunch of hooey."

Best of metalgarth
Look just because your my guidance counselor and you took me to Pizza Hut doesn't mean that I have to swim naked for you!

Best of mega
"Moooooooom dad's drifting away on a log. call for help!!!!!"
"OK, ok, I just gotta finish this round of Angry Birds and I'm on it."

Friday, July 29, 2011

Enumclaw Mud Wrestling



1. John Boner proves he will do *anything* to round up a few more votes for his debt ceiling hike.

2.Any caption I could come up with could not possibly compare to whatever the real story behind this picture is.

3. Before her career took off, Sarah Jessica Parker made money any way she could.

4. Ang Lee... Secretariat... you know the drill. Hehheheheheh. "Drill."

5. "By the power vested in my by the state of New York, I now pronounce you..."

Best of Adriane
Anybody want to see a dirty joke?

Best of metalgarth
This is what the cavalry would have been like in 1861 if Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed back then

Best of Rodney Dill
While you can lead a horse to water, but not be able to make him drink, it has been found that if you lead a horse to scotch you won't be able to stop him from drinking.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Don't you worry, ma'am, the revolutionary Hoover TurboVac 2000-Z will suck every speck of our demo mud fight dirt out of your priceless oriental carpet before you can say, "Oh My F*king Gawd What the Hell Have You Done!" three or four times.

Best of Submariner
Unseen at the bottom of the pile, Danny Radcliffe is REALLY enjoying the cast party.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The Four Horsemen of the Folsom Street Fair

Best of Whacko
Today on CSPAN, the House debates the debt ceiling.

Best of mega
I just think Fox is trying too hard to make The Five "edgy".

Best of dadoctah
Why "Friendship is Magic" is banned in federal prisons.

Another Anomalous Occurrence of the Number 527

Brender


1."Ass, Grass, or Protoid Power Cells."

2. "I'm just gonna duck behind those bushes and drain the little Yoda."

3. I always suspected all those Land Rover-driving soccer moms were aligned with the Dark Side.

4."Yeah, right. 'These aren't the droids you're looking for.' Like I'm gonna fall for that one again."

5. "Where da white women at? Ooops, sorry, wrong running joke."

Threadwinner: metalgarth
The climate on Hoth was never same once the gas guzzlin' co2 emitting SUVs arrived

Assistant to the Reional Threadwinner Uchuck the Tuchuck
When you get down to it, personalized vanity tags are just a waste of money for a stormtropper.

Best of blue
The Federal Governments solution to the illegal alien problem is to have the searches conducted by, well, real illegal aliens.

Best of Adriane
Thoughtbubble: Friggin' uppity jawa. Too good to drive a sandcrawler like everyone else!

Best of Rodney Dill
"It'll do the Kessel run in 12 parsecs."

Best of metalgarth
Driver: "She may not look like much but she's got it where it counts"
Trooper: "You talkin' about yer wife there or the car?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Gee, thanks for stopping! Any chance you're going all the way to Wroona? Just to Bensonville, huh? Ah, what the heck, 15 miles down, 39,216 light years to go. Darth will understand.

Best of Submariner
"Lando Calrissian? Never heard of you, bub. Now outa the vehicle before I get tough."

Best of Submariner
Look Chewy; all I'm sayin' is I have to take you in because they're underage... What? Ewoks, you say? Carry on, then.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"You fart like that again, you're riding with the sand-people, understand?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Any fruit to declare?"

Best of Spineless Vertebra
"You looking for a good time, handsome?"

Best of dadoctah
"God, I thought these things smelled bad on the *outside*!"

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Life's a Beach and Has Big Pontoons!


Best of Adriane
But I don't want to marry the sunbather with the large ... tracts of land!

Best of blue
Moondoggie pondered the question - What can you with with a women tethered to a surf board?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Her name is "Normandy", and it would come to be known as "DD-day"

Best of Submariner
Please give to eliminate Scoliosis in our lifetime!

Best of dadoctah
Today's beach safety topic: flotation devices.

Rail Gun




Threadwinner: mega
As a child, Michelle Malkin was outspoken about Amtrak subsidies.

Best of Rodney Dill
During the hunt, Zelda was hit by a train as while she was trying to figure out if the tracks she'd been following were moose or elk.

Best of Army of Dad
Thought bubble: dub had better not say anything bad about me!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Nothing says "gun savvy" like resting the muzzle in dirt OR on one's toe.

Best of Submariner
Looks like Bollywood is remaking "Lara Croft; Tomb Raider." Any other monors wanna go see it?

Best of Matt the K
Yeah...but did the Khmer Rouge ever got any credit for their fashion sense???...noooooo!!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Wednesdays with Phloggie


David Attenborough whispers: As an example of overadaptation, the Squirrel Mime of Central Park has learned that if he pretends to be trapped in a box, people will toss him peanuts.

Liars Poker: I swear on my mother's carcass in the street, once I was down in Georgia and caught a peanut this big!

Alvin's impression of Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven" delighted the inhabitants of Animal Farm.

Stewart used to torment the squirrels by leaving a big bowl of peanuts on his dining room table. Then, they found the key hidden under the mat.

Okay, sure, I've pilfered peanuts and seeds from the bird feeder... but my fellow Americans, I am NOT a crook!

Best of USMC2841
Stupid TSA patdowns. When's the last time a squirrel blew anything up?

Best of Double the U
"STOP! In the name of love!"

Threadwinner: HLam
YOU. SHALL. NOT. PASS.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Wait monors", cried the squirrel passionately, "Don't you realize what's going to happen to Dawn's head?"

Best of metalgarth
...and the last thing our squirrel friend ever saw was a big net with a McPatterson's logo on it.

Best of Jack Reacher
Confident! Dry! And furry!

Best of jj
BUT I DON'T WANT A COLONOSCOPY, I'm a squirrel!!!! Damn obamacare

Best of Mr. Right
"I'm MAD as HELL, and I'm NOT going to TAKE this anymore!!!"

Best of blue
Bullwinkle!!! Don't leave me here!!!

Best of GregMan
"Heal!"

Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner mpur
All that's missing is a boom box and a Peter Gabriel tune.

Best of Adriane
'Powers of Science,' cried Dr.Frank N. Squirrel, 'give my creature Life!'

Best of Submariner
No! Mr. Gere, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Best of Dactyl
Woohoo!! Packers!!!

Best of mega
"I saw you guys had a book called 'To Serve Roadkill', so I came to your planet. What's for dinner?"

Best of Matt the K
Robbie the Squirrel IS Willem Dafoe IN "Dr. Doolittle IV: Back In The Nam".

Best of dub
DEMONS OUT!

Best of racerboy
STOP: HAMMERTIME!!!

Best of dadoctah
(Oh, what the hell....)
"Aiieee! Gojira!!!"

Take That! Lady Ga-Ga

Guest Capping from Phloggie


1. Worlds biggest tapeworm
2. The worms crawl in the worms crawl out
3. Worst case of hemmerhoids... EVER
4. They're called "Blind dates" for a reason.
5. "When Symbiotes Attack" - - a TimeLife video
6. If you shave your chest - the hairs just get thicker and fuller. ORA Seinfeld
7. So far beyond simple "fashion faux pas" even Hubble couldn't spot it.
8. Overheard in dressing room: "Let Michelle wear it, she'll wear anything.

Threadwinner: Dactyl
The Real Housewives of R'lyeh, coming this fall on Bravo.

Best of Double the U
Dawn's head exploded, no one is sure why.

Best of GregMan
"I am sick and tired of these m*****-f****** snakes on this m*****-f****** fashion model!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Botched boob jobs are nowhere near as bad as botched colonoscopies.

Best of metalgarth
Whitesnake's next album is geared at a completely different demographic.

Best of Whacko
Lady GaGa wished that she had thought of this first.

Best of Submariner
Where will YOU be when your laxative causes a major prolapse?

Best of sonicfrog
Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Mushroom Mushroom....

Best of mega
Keep that credit card in your pocket. You'll be able to get something 99 % like it at Target for $24.95 in a few months.

Best of Steve O
Yes, but would you kick her out for eating rodents in bed?

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Water, Water Everywhere

The Brigade

1. And the Peter Northmobile makes its way to another town.*

2. San Francisco finally finds a way to cope with "homeless hippie smell."

3. The county health department has a special vehicle to help people wash their eyes out after viewing yesterday's SecState photo.

4. Optimus Prime does a spit-take.

5. Toward the end, Zima's marketing efforts got rather... desperate.

Best of blue
The Obama political machine rounds up voters for 2012.

Best of metalgarth
Baptisms: UR DOIN IT RONG

Best of jj
The EPA a sends cleaning crew to clean up after M'chel finishes her slab of ribs...
Usual Dawn disclaimer...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Everyone scoffed when the city of East Tinsdale passed its No Public Smoking ordinance. They're not laughing now.

Best of Steve O
4th of July Parades in Detroit are just for practice.

Best of mega
Man, I remember when wet t-shirt contests seemed so much less ... contrived.

Best of mega
Give SEIU the local water fountain contract. Measure results by amount of water dispensed.

Best of mega
Sadly, no one took Breivik's practice run with a water cannon very seriously.

* And if you weren't such a bunch of sick intercourses, Peter North would be an ORA.

Oh... my...


1. Anthony Weiner just gets weirder and weirder.

2.What else would you wear to a gay wedding?

3. Ang Lee's Biography of Lincoln was considered so fabulous no one minded the glaring historical inaccuracies.

4. "When you look this good, who needs a prom date?"

5. The Emperor has no clothes, but he does have a whole lotta body paint!

Best of Double the U
Ringo Starr is still trying to get people to notice him.

Best of GregMan
The Ang Lee remake of "Top Hat" took Fred Astaire's character to a whole new level.

Best of metalgarth
"I pity the fool who doesn't go to the Folsom Street Fair"

Best of Army of Dad
How Ang lee veiws The Penguin.

Best of Submariner
What else would you expect a San Francisco pitcher to do on his day off but go looking for a catcher?

Best of mpur
Damn brain slugs.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Some people just don't take the Annual Karl Marx Look-alike Contest very seriously.

Best of blue
Comment: In San Francisco pitchers are also catchers!

Best of Censors Hip
Why Brian Wilson stopped touring with the Beach Boys......

Best of USMC2841
Dressed up like a million dollar trooper. Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper. Sooopaah Doooopaah.

Best of Whacko
Hey! Bearded fairy! There's a meteor about to hit you in the ...... never mind.

Best of jj
Further proof as to why when the Giants are on the road you need to lock up your mothers and daughters....and sons for that matter!

Best of Matt the K
Judd Nelson can't even get arrested in Hollywood these days.

Best of sonicfrog
Double ORA: ORA: OK. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to have "I hate Ringo Starr, but like the rest of The Beatles" club write and direct the Ringo Star biopic.

Best of Adriane
Everybody Stop Panicking!!! ZZ Top is on tour 4 states east a' here!!!

Best of dadoctah
The planned but unused eleventh plague of Egypt: all the golf courses turned to blood.

Monday, July 25, 2011

You Are Paying $2 Trillion for this Picture

Al


1. And last years winner of the "Brownest Man in Washington" contest passes the baton to this year's winner.

2. "Sorry, Cantor, I don't touch Jews."

3. Obama never could figure out how Boehner could stick his arm in his back and make his hand come out through Cantor's chest.

4. "Good Lord, Cantor, your hands are enormous! Mrs. Cantor must be a very happy woman."

5. "We'll start dinner as soon as M'Chel gets here with the eatin' shovels."

Best of Dr. Doom
President Obama: "Call my bluff Boehner!"
Mr. Cantor: "Mr. President, Mr. Putin is on line three. He wants to talk about arms reductions"

Best of mpur
JB thought bubble: "Gah! Just touching him makes my laxative kick in!"

Best of Vinneh
Boehner: "We're repealing your tanning bed tax. It's killing me."

Best of jj
Cantor, "I shook Weiner's hand last month and I still can't get this stuff off".

Best of Double the U
Good, so it is agreed, we will fake argue for two weeks, and then screw over the citizens again by enacting terrible laws and restrictions on everything.

Best of mega
The SEIU control units hovering over Obama's head were more obvious in some photographs than others.

Best of mega
"Notice, Bill, that when he shakes Boehner's hand, his cheek muscle contracts slightly, and what that says is that he knows he's a fraudulent douche bag."

Best of USMC2841
"AP Newswire- Negotiations broke down again when it was revealed that Boehner had used a buzzer ring on the President..."

Best of Submariner
Repeat after me: "With this debt, I thee wed..."

Best of metalgarth
"we're exchanging long protein strands"

Why Bill Cheats



1. Somewhere in Arkansas, there's an ugly tree with a pile of branches at the bottom.

2. "Sorry about the hair, I accidentally hit the overcharge button again."

3. Hillary greets her usual welcoming committee of villagers with torches and pitchforks.

4. Rush Limbaugh's quotation about feminism proven once again.

5. So, that's why they call it a Moo-moo. 

Best of Vinneh
And that's why it's called The Dress Barn.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Guess I picked the wrong week to give up amphetamines."

Best of GregMan
And then Dub's head... oh, hell, and then everyone's head exploded.

Best of divine miss m
Bubbie??!

Best of sonicfrog
Separated at birth... And office!!!! Hillary and President Allyson Taylor!!!!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Hilary breathlessly exclaims, "I feel so much better since my lobotomy. No worries, no sleepless nights, no carrying grudges against rotten cheating adulterous a-hole husbands who can't keep it in their... BSOD rebooting"

Threadwinner: Jack Reacher
Rep. Weiner, your aversion therapist is here.

Best of Whacko
Hey Hill, M'Chel called and wants her drapes back.

Best of Submariner
Who dropped the house on my sister? I wan't to THANK him/her for clearing up that whole probate thing...

Best of Submariner
ORA - Thawt bubble; "I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to be with."

Best of mega
Chelsea wondered sometimes how it is that she ever came to exist.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Some women walk into their closet and carefully select and coordinate an outfit. Others just dive in, wallow around and hope static cling has fashion sense. It.does.not.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Saturday Night's All Right for Capping

The Ugly American


Instant Threadwinner Metalgarth
Amy Winehouse... blah, blah, blah. What! too soon?

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
The search for Obama's budget credibility continues....

Best of Submariner
ORA: Mmmmmmm, nutty!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Nah, I don't see the ball... but Tim Curry's down here dressed as a scary clown... weird."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Dude, it's a quarter... let it go."

Best of Rodney Dill
Where will you be when your laxative kicks in.... and does it even really matter.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Remember Eugene Tooms the X-Files Silly Putty guy who hid in ducts and drains? Well, this isn't him, this is Ted, a real life dumbf*ck.

Best of sonicfrog
ORA: OK. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to have Sammy Hagar write and direct the Eddie Van Halen biopic.

Best of Double the U
"Can you hear me now?"

Best of GregMan
"Nope, Mr. President, still no sign of your leadership ability."

Friday, July 22, 2011

Phallic Object Phriday Continues

WMAL Radio

1. "Governor Spitzer? Your 12:15 appointment is here."

2. Andrew Sullivan's proctologist had a yard sale.

3. Subsequent Verminators were successively less appealing than Kelly Bundy.

4. Cylon Model 8 underwent  many, many revisions between prototype and production model.

5. Or, alternately, Grace Park has really, really, really let herself go.

Best of Vinneh
Looks like even fisting has been automated and sent overseas

Best of metalgarth
"Catholic School girls with more firepower than they know what to do with", A Samuel L. Bronkowitz production.

Best of mpur
Margaret Cho. Still not funny.

Best of dadoctah
Hall monitors are not like I remember.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Do not... I repeat... don't evah call her by her nickname - Stumpy Moonface.

Best of JohnS1959
"Say hello to my little friend", shouted Mary Catherine...

Best of dadoctah
Okay, we got our schoolgirl uniform, our heavy artillery...we're still missing a squadron of giant robots and something with tentacles.

Best of Whacko
"I've got a variable frequency meson activated transmorgifier and I'm not afraid to use it!"

Best of Submariner
Suzi prepares to tell her parents that she only got a 1350 on the S.A.T.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
Barret Wallace has always been very influential to Japanese teens.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Rectum?... damn near killed 'im."

Clubs and Shields and Such

Gregman


1. "Mornin' Sam." "Mornin' Ralph"

2. The party favors at Army of Mom's "29th" birthday were ... about what you would expect.

3. When you rush Alpha Omicron Mu, you have to expect some rectal trauma during the hazing.

4. The Grammar Police were known for ruthlessly pummeling people with their giant exclamation marks.

5. Years later, Tommy would attribute his fetish to the gladiator movies he used to watch with Captain Oveur.

Best of GregMan
"Whyfor iseth yon crazy woman yelling ateth us, 'I haveth yon outfit!'?

Best of GregMan
Re-enactments of the Battle Of The Pelennor Fields grew so popular they began attracting sponsorships from Caption This! regulars.

Best of metalgarth
You forgot your helmet. Do you realize how stupid you look now?

Best of Adriane
Poor Southern California ... first Carmageddon and now Comiconageddon ...

Best of JohnS1959
The 20 year reunion of the Dungeons & Dragons Club was (not unexpectedly) devoid of women again...

Best of Spin
Budget cuts adversely affected HBO's "Game of Thrones" next installment.

Best of Submariner
Black Dawn? Funny, I always pegged her for white guilt.

Best of Matt the K
Black Dawn was damn sure to wear her helmet to keep her nappy-ass head from blo--Ah sheeit, regular Dawn's head exploded again.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Lunch Break in the Iron Box


1.Shallow Hal visits the cafeteria at the US House of Representatives.

2. "No! We're not going anywhere tonight. Why do you keep asking me that?"

3. "Tim Robbins or Morgan Freeman?"

4. "I raped and strangled 19 women... but I vote solid Democrat, so my Karma is balanced."

5. "It's gotten really crowded in here since they made possession of second-rate pr0nography a felony."

Best of GregMan
The 10th annual reunion of Obama administration members had great attendance.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I'm gonna kill the next M----- F----- that tells me to eat my peas."

Best of USMC2841
"It's a hard knock life for us. It's a hard knock life for us."

Best of blue
"Look, under the table - M'Chel left one of her eating shovels - we can dig our way out!

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"What tine does the Blues Brothers concert start?"

Best of Submariner
"Soilent Orange is inmates!"

Best of mpur
So I wonder which one is the cool kids table?

Best of dadoctah
"Didn't do anything, actually. I'm just here to use the WiFi."

Best of Vinneh
"How can I eat, Tyrone? That bitch is wearing the same outfit as me"!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Black dude with hands to head: "I'm gonna cut you, sucka. Cuddn't get your damn Muskrat Love song outta mah head all f*king night!"

Best of Dactyl
In hindsight, the new staff uniforms at the Center for Disease Control were probably a mistake.

Best of Submariner
Flyers fans conventions were nothing if they weren't colorful...

Best of metalgarth
And on the next Arrested Development... Tobias has lunch with the other "analrapists".

Best of metalgarth
"I call this meeting of the Former Governors of Illinois to order"

Wednesdays with Phloggie

Carpie Pholgistan wrote this and I am still catching up



1. M'chel taught me this trick while I was stationed at the White House.

2. ... and when the handles begin to char, I take advantage of Sears Craftsman's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" free replacement policy.

3. Nice thing about the short handles... they fit in most dishwashers.

4. I saw this done on that Julia Child episode when Michelle was the guest chef.

5. Yeah, I use these to dig slit trenches. No worries, mate, there ain't no e.coli in fresh soil.

6. Stir in some diced baby anaconda and it almost tastes like mom's scrambled eggs & ham.
Best of blue
The startling pictures of M'Chel's Eating Shovels" prove that she went to North Vietnam with Jane Fonda

Best of Submariner
They're my latrine trenching shovels. Why?

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
When the White House advance party demonstrated how to prepare M'chel's lunch, the manger of McPattersons said "No way, tell her she cannot have it her way!"

Best of Dr. Doom
Sergeants Chou and Dhou of the North Korean Army are seen here preparing a week’s rations for the elite Imperial Guard division...

Best of jj
The new white house chefs prepare the state dinner for the Dali Llama...

Best of Submariner
ORA: Where's the Spam, Spam, and Spam?

Best of Matt the K
You should see what he cooks on a shingle.

Best of dadoctah
Okay, now Guy Fieri is just screwing around with us....

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Meanwhile, Back at the Walmur

Schneider


Best of GregMan
And then Dub's head exploded.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
David Attenborough whispers: We've come upon a stark reminder of fishing trawler collateral damage... an unidentifiable bloated carcass entangled in a discarded drift net. Folks, this brings tears to my eyes.

Best of mpur
I didn't know they used nets to catch whales.

Best of Dr. Doom
Senator Jackson-Lee goes (excuse the expression) undercover to prove that Wal-Mart is raaacist...

Best of Censors Hip
Under Obama's redistribution of wealth plan, customers must take the next hooker in line.....

Best of Double the U
John Water's remake of "The Color Purple"

Best of satted
Thank goodness we used 400lb testline...

Best of Rodney Dill
That's no moon....

Best of Submariner
Let's see... I need Danish, Coffe Cakes, Cheesecake, Haagen Daz, Butter, Cream Cheese, Block Cheese, Whipped Cream, and Coffee. Black coffee - no Coffee Mate or Splenda for you this time, Marla, you're serious about counting your calories this time.

Best of Vinneh
Clean up on aisle 4.

Monday, July 18, 2011

I Love a Chick in Uniform


Best of Rodney Dill
The view I got from the ground after making a Smelly Pilot Hooker comment.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Olive drab before Labor Day? How gauche. Who designed that garter? Victoria's Drill Sergeants?

Best of Submariner
Trying to figure this theme out; Either V is still on his 50 ft woman kicjk, or we're supposed to be the Lost Monors in the Land of the Giants.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Be Back Later


Hitting the beach with my boys for a couple of days. I'll post some free for alls while I am out.

The 50 Foot Woman Visits Her Gynecologist


Best of Dr. Doom
"Cover me boys, I'm going in", cried Sean...

Best of Jack Reacher
March 2, 2013, the monument for former Congressman Anthony Weiner is unveiled.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Danged if those bees can't start a hive anywhere!"

Best of Spin
Now that's a big cameltoe.

Best of mpur
Fred develops a whole new respect for JFK

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Earl Scheib eyes his greatest challenge yet.

Best of Submariner
Calvin began using the gas mask at work when he found out he was reassigned to the Refurbish Division of the Returns Department at the love doll factory.

Best of Submariner
Toonces! You get out of there right this minute!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Falling Down


Best of blue
Nancy! Thanks! Whew! My knees are still wobbly!

Best of Censors Hip
"I'll agree to no new taxes when a cow jumps a hurdle!"

Best of Submariner
Only if you swallow Chris; this is a new suit.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Dang it, my damn peas rolled of the podium."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I can see fourth-quarter growth estimates from my house!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
After his "Jeopardy!" joke killed at the new Consumer Chief announcement, Obama borrows Jay Leno's "Best of Headlines" skit.

Best of Dactyl
Looks like he's even boring himself to sleep these days.

Friday, July 15, 2011

The Cow Jumped Over What Now?


1.The Bear Cavalry was unimpressed.

2. NASA has a new approach to exploration of the moon, in light of budget cuts.

3. Piper Palin's ability to control animal minds was even more amazing than her pyrokinesis.

4. Caitlin found herself in an 'awkward situation' and just didn't feel like dealing with the dykes at Planned Parenthood.

5. Teaching a cow to show-jump, hard. Coming up with five captions about a show-jumping cow... probably not as hard, but dang it, it took long enough.

Best of dadoctah
Beef: it's what's for recess.

Best of JohnS1959
Sally, "The Wrangler", Smith counteracts recent PETA protests by adding flair and creativity to Bossy's trip to the slaughterhouse...

Best of dadoctah
Coming to theatres this fall: "Free Bossy".

Best of prince of leaves
In Alternate Universe #9934-QX-17, the Mongol Hordes brought their superior saddle and stirrup technology to Europe aboard a very different animal, with mild but strange historical ramifications.

Best of Censors Hip
Carrie's plan to beat Carmageddon seemed a bit overblown.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Jump, Bessie, Jump!!! Batman and Robin need us!!!'

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Blue, the German Cavalry (Cowvalry?) unit is ready to invade Pearl Harbor!

Best of Rodney Dill
Clara Peller's life as a young girl first revealed.

Best of metalgarth
Where fast food burgers come from! (actually I'm lying. That would be a picture of a dead raccoon, if you like McPatterson's)

Sweet Smokin' Jebus

Sondra K


1. Whatever it is, I'm against it.

2. Well, the guy on the left hit Obama right in the Emperor-Has-No-Clothes sweet spot, but unless they've started making curtains out of jockstraps, the guy on the right totally missed M'Chel.

3. Then, the chick in the Obama mask got PMS and flounced off in the middle of the race.

4. How nature says, "Do not talk to these people about Ron Paul."

5. Shortly thereafter, the company clarified its 'Casual Friday' policy.

Best of mpur
Looks like they got M'Chel's package about right, though.

Best of dadoctah
Every night, Rachel Maddow has the same troubling dream.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Shy little Jane wasn't sure what was more embarrassing... riding through the park naked or wearing the Obamalama mask nobody else chose.

Best of dadoctah
"You are not gonna *believe* what I earned selling 'Grit'!"

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Three Workers and the Community Organizer


1. "And I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your economy down," yelled the Big Bad Community Organizer.

2."So, the Stimulus pays for this guy to make metal coverings, and pays for you to recycle them? I am a economical genius!"

3. Herbie's irrepressible urge to bite Negroes was about to land him in Federal Prison.

4. Obama checks on the progress of his project to build 1,000,000 Community Organizing Cybermen.

5. "Will the giant Fry-a-lator be ready in time for M'Chel's birthday?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"No. Seriously. Eat your peas."

Best of blue
"..and then we'll cut every Grandma's social security to pay for your union benefits!"

Best of Submariner
Larry Bud Melman shows the Obamessiah what a working man looks like, er, strike that, what a UNION QA STATION looks like at a nuclear plant...

Best of Censors Hip
"Say, if I bring in a cow can you cut it up in M'Chel sized pieces?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"And once this device is assembled it can get this guy's hands off me?"

Best of GregMan
"And then Dawn's head exploded! I mean is that funny or what?"

Best of jj
As the old man unhinged his jaw to eat obama whole, m'chelle pounced and skewered him through the head with her tail.

Best of Submariner
So there I was, bowing to the Supreme Leader of China and he turns out to be a window washer trying to find his way into the Secret Palace also...

Best of Dr. Doom
"What, the old white dude?", replied the President, "No he's OK they all react this way, we call it redistribution syndrome - it is a lot like surprise butt$ex"...

Best of Spin
"No they're not bi-focal safety glasses, I'm retarded mister"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
After his impeachment, Obama returns to something he is actually qualified for: Chief Organizer, Napkin Dispenser Assembly Division.

Best of Matt the K
"I'm uh... just, you know, getting my ducts in a row...I know that one always kills!"

Threadwinner: Steve O
Soon after this picture was taken, all three workers were replaced by an ATM machine.

Wide Eyed

Schneider


1. The Guy Who Only Reads CAP THIS on Thursday mistakenly drops in on a Tuesday.

2."CrystalmethwhatcrystalmethwhatmakeshowdareyouimplyIvebeenusingcrystalmeth."

3. He's been like that ever since his nephew showed him "Two Girls One Cup."

4. "This your first time at Hooters, Earl?"

5. 30 years after Empire, Earl suddenly realizes that Luke Skywalker made out with his sister.

Best of Jack Reacher
"So they told you to stop hanging around the playground, Earl? Um, no, I can't imagine why."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Poor TV reception up in the Yukon means the oil workers have to play their own version of American Idol... contestants often leave the judges speechless, if not downright appalled.

Best of GregMan
"Those kids are on my lawn again, and, you know, I'm OK with that."
Earl was much more laid back after the lobotomy.

Best of blue
Earl liked watching the two neighbor girls play 'hide the cucumber'.

Best of Submariner
In this version, Marty went ahead and bedded his teen aged Mom in the past.

Best of Jack Reacher
John Turturro has really let himself go.

Best of Dr. Doom
Portrait of a likely Obama voter. This one is pictured shortly after his frontal lobotomy...

Best of dadoctah
While it worked out for Dave Thomas of Wendy's, in general a fast-food chain should not use its actual CEO as a commercial spokesman.

Best of Spin
"Christina Aguilera, will you go to the Engineer's Ball with me?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Pity Date Video Service: Hi. Mah name is Elwood, DateMeID is 3929EH. I like chicks. Most kinds, anyways. Chicks in bikinis, chicks with big hoohas, chicklets chew gum, chickadees and yeller fuzzy peeping baby chicks. I eat chick peas with fried chicken. Not real found of chickweed, hate gubmint chicksh*t. Saw me a chickenhawk whilst driving through Chickamauga. Call me, y'hear?

Best of Matt the K
Though Johnny had marks for poor attendence and failed the 4th grade 68 times, he never missed Picture Day.

Best of Double the U
"yea...yea...mmm-hmm....yea... well I am one of the 100,000 newly hired government employees, I can't actually solve your problem, or well... any problem, but I am helping to stimulating Obama's economy whatever that means."

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The White Women Is at Here


1. Can you spot the cucumber in this picture? Probably not.

2. Ginger and Mary Ann form the Chinese symbol for "erotic catfight."

3. "Hey, little help? We mistook superglue for bikini wax... again."

4. "Hot as all-get-out isn't it?"

5. "Just practicing for our pantomime horse outfit."

Best of mpur
Envy - he lives on the ground floor.

Best of jj
Anyone ever notice that the most perverted women always have the biggest feet? Neither have I...

Best of dub
Upon seeing the display, Darryl just rolled a keg of lotion on to the deck to aid his viewing pleasure.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Don't you just hate it when your girlfriend's navel piercing snags another girl's bikini bottom?
Well, of course YOU don't, you sick intercourses!

Best of Rodney Dill
Later, Amelia had the charges reduced to just following too close.

Best of Army of Dad
Hello ladies, would you care to make me (into) a sandwich?

Best of Submariner
I've never heard of an Army of Dad sandwich, mate. A "Submarine Sandwich" is another matter...

I apologize in advance to whoever has to clean up Dawn's head debris



1. Ang Lee, if you are even thinking of touching a Blazing Saddles remake, I will personally kick your ass.

2. "... and the hush money from a certain Barry Soetero will mean we never have to work again, right pookums?"

3. There's a "fudge packer" caption in here somewhere, but I just can't work it out right now.

4. Unfortunately, "Tyrone Fitzleroy and Leroy Fitztyrone" just doesn't work without the Irish angle.

5.  With OJ safely in prison, the real killers finally reveal themselves.

Best of Dr. Doom
HGTV introduces it's new series, Dazzling Urbanites at Home, new this fall...

Best of Submariner
Forget Gotham City, Chicago has its OWN style now:
Buttman and Rubbin... Fabulously caped crusaders.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"White women sure are dumb. When we told those 2 girls in the bikinis that we were fudge packers, they asked for free samples!"

Best of Censors Hip
"We be happy to eat Obama's peas!"

Best of jj
sumthin...sumthin..about Oreo with the creme missing...oh damn...there goes Dawn's head...

Best of Adriane
Oh Reginald, you found an angry Negro for my party! And his little friend too!!! Quick, put a yarmulke on one, break the other's leg and we've won the Trifecta!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Yeah guys... it says it right here on the tube: do not attempt to glue cheek to top of head..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"The Ladies' Man don't know nothin' 'bout that."

Monday, July 11, 2011

Sucking Up or Just Sucking



1. Bubba: "Whooo-EEEE. Boy, you are funny! Now, bring me some coffee."

2. We've secretly replaced the Teleprompter script for Obama's debt limit speech with the transcript of Anthony Weiner sexting a comely coed. Let's see if anyone notices.

3. That line about creating two million jobs always kills.

4. As his idiot successor prattled on about corporate jets, the former president mentally amused himself by seeing how many hidden words he could find in "Clinton Global Initiative:" Such as, "tit" "labia" "vagina" "balling" ... and so forth

5. "Surprise, Barry! That ain't Monica under the podium, it's Chris Matthews!"

Best of blue
"Barry! Thanks! Whew! My Knees are still wobbly!"

Best of sonicfrog
Clinton: "Surprise, Barry! That ain't Monica under the podium, it's Chris Matthews!"
Obama: "I know".....

Best of GregMan
The impeached, perverted, corrupt, and disgraced ex-President laughed at the thought that Comrade President Soetero made even him look good by comparison.

Best of GregMan
"God d@mn Amerikkka! Man, that is so funny!"

Best of mpur
Bill always gets a kick out of Blackface Minstrel shows.

Best of Rodney Dill
Bill: "De camptown ladies sing this song... do da... do da."

Best of Vinneh
"And, er, when Bill has a global intitiative. That means the girl is supposed to "go around the world" on him. Right Bill"?

Best of Dr. Doom
Mr. Obama immediately regretted trading 'Yo Wife So Fat' jokes with Bill Clinton at the press conference...

Best of Spineless Vertebra
Obama: "Now just because I like fish sticks doesn't make me a gay fish!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The freak accident lodged the TOTUS pole deep within the former president's torso. He would never be able to reveal his knowledge of Barry's "666" birthmark.
\
Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Fine print at bottom of the Clinton Global Initiative: Where da white women at?

Best of Jack Reacher
"Let's see who's come closest to the actual retail price of this year's deficit without going over. Mr. Clinton, you've bid 1.65 billion dollars..."

Best of Steve O
Everybody else waits for Barry to get the joke except Bill.

Please, Gaia, Let Them Freeze Like That

blue


1. Yes, the laxative has done kicked in.

2. Oddly enough, that *is* his O-Face. And hers.

3. "No arugula? Have the peasant responsible put to death!"

4. "You know what I hate? Glittering, incorporeal space entities from Gamalon 12.... there's one right behind me, isn't there?"

5. "Hey, M'Chel... you think I could replace Jon Stewart on The Daily Show? I'm a hyper-partisan liberal, I can read a Teleprompter and make funny faces... like this. What else do you need?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Obama astutely declines to respond on whether Michelle's dress makes her butt look fat... knowing full well that Joe Biden can't resist answering.

Best of Whacko
"Say, M'Chel, that thing around your neck. Looks like a bumper from a 57 Buick."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The stigma of used dental braces makes them very difficult to recycle, at least until Michelle found her calling as a jewelry designer.

Best of JohnS1959
"Whachu talkin' 'bout Geitner?", asked the first couple in unison upon hearing the latest economic forecast.

Best of Rodney Dill
Neither Obama, nor Michelle really liked peas.

Threadwinner: mpur
ORA: The Obamas react to the news that Michelle's necklace is actually a wedlock collar.

Best of HLam
Uh oh, looks like M'chels earbuds got all tangled up again...

Best of Vinneh
"Barry, it's the Mexican State Dinner. I told you to take Beano."

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"One of the octuplets is missing - don't look at us!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
Voice off-frame: "Excuse me while I whip this out!"

Best of Submariner
Even the Daily Kos couldn't put a positive-enough spin on The One's latest poll numbers...

Best of Adriane
Oh God, the funeral director and his wife were expecting a tip, weren't they?

Best of Steve O
The sight of a man taking his shirt off does not elicit the same reaction from everyone.

Saturday, July 09, 2011

Breathe


1. ORA: Dennis Hopper fans, still in mourning.

2. These devices capture 98% of exhaled carbon dioxide. The EPA intends to make them mandatory for all citizens beginning in 2018.

3. ORA: San Francisco residents have discovered a way to constantly enjoy the smell of their own farts.

4. After huffing several cases of spray paint, the Casy Anthony jury was ready to deliver its verdict.

5. Despite their best attempts to fit in, Ted and Mary were never fully accepted in the Folsom Street Neighborhood.

Best of Adriane
Wow ... just goes to show how far cell phone technology has advanced these past few years!

Best of DaveP.
"Honey? ...are you sure this qualifies as foreplay?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Again, why are we smelling Big Bird's feet?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
June Cleaver and Lumpy enjoy a little "time out" with the help of their friend, nitrous oxide.

Best of Jack Reacher
Dick Morris and his editor agree his next book will be phoned-in.

Best of prince of leaves
America 2015: Obamacare death panels offer those over 40 an array of gentle end-of-life options to choose from. But choose one must.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Inhaling helium deeply, the actors get ready to tape the roles of Bart & Lisa on the Simpsons.

Best of Vinneh
Kevin James needs to lose some weight or he'll be on oxygen for the rest of his life.

Best of jimmy
Secret footage from the control room over at the new Keith Olbermann show.

Best of dadoctah
I think my favorite episode of "Hazel" was when she left the corned beef and cabbage cooking in the house over an entire three-day weekend.

Best of GregMan
"Don't worry, Sally. With these masks we can survive even one of M'chell's queefs."

Best of Rodney Dill
Talk to me Goose

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"So, we're just supposed to sit here in the coed locker room for 6 months?"
Budget cuts really hit NASA's Mars isolation training program hard.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Whew! That was the worst speech from Obama I've heard yet!"

Saturday BWSF


1. Princess Beatrice did not age well.

2. Madonna's stage act begins to get a little tired.

3. Black and White Drag Queens in Trouble, An Ang Lee/Samuel L. Bronkowitz co-production.

4.  "It's true, sovereign. The light does shine right through your ears."

5. I see Mrs. Gingrich is putting that Tiffany account to good use.

Best of Matt the K
Oh golly!!!!! Just look at you Spock-- Mr. Sulu's sure to ask you to the Academy Prom now!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The legend says if you destroy the head Pelosi, the other Pelosis will wither and perish.

Best of Jack Reacher
"But you must admit it was a great deal, all these furnishings we got at the Saddam Hussein estate auction."

Best of blue
So Eddie Munster grew up to be a gay space alien...BFD.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"That hat," a mesmerized Aretha Franklin whispered softly to herself. "That hat! I simply must have it!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Little Known Hollywood Factoid: As a starving young actor, Leonard Nimoy starred in a tranny prOn flick - "What on Earth IS that Thing?"

Best of jimmy
I knew The View had been on the air for a long time, but this is the first time I've seen footage from the black and white days. Nice hat, Baba...

Best of dadoctah
...and the second guy says "I was *talking* to the tentacled dragon".

Best of Submariner
I apologize highness, but dub says "Not with that fat roll, I won't."

Best of GregMan
Those who saw the first, secret pilot for "Star Trek" weren't very surprised when, years later, George Takei came out of the closet.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Empress, Empress -stop the invasion, one of the octuplets is missing!

Friday, July 08, 2011

The One Woman Population Explosion

blue, possibly.


1. Nine rolls of duct tape later, Octomom and Casy Anthony were ready to par-tay.

2. "Prepare for ramming speed!"

3. "There's the ACORN Office! Eight more votes for Hope and Change II, comin' right up."

4. Nice biceps. Those M'Chel Ob'Ama B'athleth Workout videos must have really paid off.

5. "This intersection looks busy enough. Okay, Casy, you give 'em a big push, and I'll rehearse my frantic 9-1-1 call."

Best of mpur
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7....oh crap! We lost one!
Oh, well.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
It's actually been quite profitable. I call a state's welfare department, ask about their policies and they offer to PAY me NOT to relocate there!

Best of Vinneh
Looks like exhibits A thru N arrive in court for the Schwartzenegger-Scheiver divorce.

Best of Adriane
Here's the story,
A lady on welfare,
Who already had 6 kids of her own,
But despite that,
or maybe 'cause of it,
Still felt so all alone ...

So the one day, that this lady met a doctor,
Who disgraced his Oath in more ways than can count,
Did some funny things with a turkey baster,
And 8 more kids she did pop out!!!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. Ray Bradbury, do you know where he is? Yoo hoo, Ray! I've got 8, er, 7 little presents for you! Yoo hoo, Ray Bradbury! Come out, come out, wherever you are..."
Ray's night terrors suddenly and with no apparent explanation kicked into overdrive.

Best of dadoctah
Awkward first-date smalltalk: "So, Nadya, do you have any hobbies?"

Threadwinner: Son Of The Godfather
Yes, it's difficult to push a stroller while holding your uterus in.

Best of jj
Another awkward first date small talk, "So, do you like kids?"

Best of Dactyl
Special delivery for Ms. Jolie...

Best of Submariner
"...Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated"

Best of Rodney Dill
Jees, it's a vagina, not a clown car

Best of Rodney Dill
"Did you just hear a foghorn?"
"That's my queef now."

Two Old Frakkin' Commies Who Should Be Dead Soon

Sondra K


1. "Comrade Obama is going to raise taxes on capitalists no matter how many jobs it kills. I am so proud of that boy."

2."Here it is: 'Leo, today is a good day to lean forward with Revolutionary fervor.' Hell, it always says that."

3. "Well, we outlasted Spitzer on CNN. That's something, I guess."

4. "Primary colors are out this season? Well, f-ck your corpse, Mr. Blackwell!"

5. "The Thursday Babes in Granma are about what you would expect."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Judging by his poll numbers, if I can hang on another eighteen months I'll outlast another U.S. president."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The Onion isn't a real newspaper?? The hell you say!

Best of Matt the K
Hmmm...just as I suspected...Family Circus sucks in Spanish too.

Best of dadoctah
Cheech and Chong have really let themselves go.

Best of mpur
What? Obama is giving guns to Mexico and all I got was a lousy get well card?

Best of jimmy
"I don't get it either, Fidel. They're the very model of a modern fascist, authoritarian regime, but every time I read their bits in the paper, their laborers are miserable; their leaders are power-obsessed morons; and they fail at everything they try to produce. This Dilbert person and his comrades really need to be sent to the re-education camps.

Best of Submariner
Orienteering Merit Badge: Epic Fail

Best of Rodney Dill
Best.DWTS.Couple.Ever

Best of JohnS1959
"No, no", you can't reach true crackpot dictator status until an incompetent American President orders a botched assassination attempt on you", stated Fidel emphatically, "Unfortunately, this incompetent American President adores you"...

Best of Dr. Doom
"See this", mentored Fidel, "This is the Spanish Language New York Times Op Ed section - I get some of my best stuff from here"

Mr. Sun, You Homo

Racer Boy

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Pay no attention to the Schmuck pissing in the fountain behind her

 

Thursdays: Now with more boobage than the Obama Department of Justice



Best of Jack Reacher
"In case of a water landing...ah, you probably have it covered, dear."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"...long story short, it simultaneously explains why they had to drain the pool and why I'm not allowed back."

Best of Blue
The royal penis is clean, your Highness.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Oh, Teh Humaniteh!!!!!

Jim McD


1. "FML, I waited half an hour to get into this Port-a-Potty and now there's no toilet paper! What else could go wrong?"

2. ORA: The ironic death of Marilyn McCoo.

3. Phileas Fogg was kind of a dick, actually.

4. "Aw, great, just when my laxative was kicking in."

5. ORA: "OMG! It's in my raccoon wounds!"

Best of Dr. Doom
A perfect metaphor for congress. One minute you're sitting there taking care of business, the next some windbag full of hot air starts talking about regulating you, and then...

Best of Mr Hankey
This time, Balloon Boy's dad gives up on wanting a reality show, going instead for the "Jackass" crowd.

Best of dadoctah
Chad Knievel of Medford, Oregon gets his own career off to a rather inauspicious start.

Best of jj
A San Francisco recreation of the Germans bombing of Pearl Harbor.

Best of Jack Reacher
Full of hot air, staggering around flinging sh**. Yep, that's the MSNBC prime-time line up.

Best of metalgarth
meh. I prefer the original cover for Led Zeppelin I

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Tip 'em ALL over. Let that sow in the picture below bathe in all her fecal glory!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sean Connery admits it was a low point and vows he'll never agree to another 007 picture.

Getting Away With Murder

Al


1. "Oh, gee, there are so many people to thank, the bungled prosecution, the nitwit jury, the family who lied for me so many, many times... and Satan, of course."

2.ORA: "Juror Number Six is wearing white shoes after Labor Day. Bitch is gonna die."

3. "All the perfumes of Arabia cannot sweeten this little hand... but Jell-O shots and more tattoos should do it."

4. Casy Anthony would receive her comeuppance many years later when she tried to commit armed robbery to recover some sports memorabilia.

5. Casy Anthony would later go on to become the Planned Parenthood spokeswoman for Super-Late Term Abortions.

Best of USMC2841
If the kids rots 3 months in a pit. You must acquit.

Best of HLam
Casey Anthony mulls over her next career: Hmm, will I do anal? Will I do lesbo scenes? Will I do gangbangs? Ha! Who am I kidding? I'll do it all!"

Best of Mr Hankey
Dammit! ... He's using the Chewbacca defense!

Best of dadoctah
"Soon, Nancy Grace. Soon."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Ewwww... my fingers smell all chloroformy."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I dunno... It's a text from a 'Dexter Morgan... Says he's been following my plight and wants to lay it all out on the table..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thawtbubble: Yoo hoo... Mr. Prosecutor... wanna do lunch? Just you, me, a plate of fava beans and a nice chianti?

Best of GregMan
"Let's see, first I'll bang Larry, then I'll bang Steve, then I'll whore around at the bar for a few hours, then I'll bang Todd..."
Casey plans what to do in her first few hours of freedom.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Headline: Cuomo Praised, Sodomized At Gay Pride Parade



1. You don't want to know all of the dark, horrible places this thumb has been.

2. The first Fire Island gay wedding was an unusually sober and restrained event.

3. Thoughtbubble: "Not wearing pants to this thing was not a bright move."

4. This Fall on Glee, Andrew Cuomo makes a special appearance.

5. "Hey, these pizza rolls are all right! I am also enjoying the sodomy."

Best of Jack Reacher
In entertainment news today, Tony Shalhoub came out.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Okay, pal, you can stop now. Four pumps is a load, you know."

Best of GregMan
At first Gov. Cuomo was enraged by the crude photoshop of him snuggling with a gay man. Then, he found it strangely arousing.

Best of Submariner
"What a good boy am I!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
I am so glad that I provided this help to such a loving community of people, becasue otherwise they would have stormed my offices and threatened my family.

Nothing Says Gay Tuesday Like Sequins, Lots and Lots of Sequins


1. The Convention of Elton John Impersonators kicks off in San Francisco this week.

2. Nice rack... the hat, I mean.

3. Obama's Council of Economic Advisers still can't figure out why U6 unemployment remains stuck at 16%.

4."I'll take outfits even tackier than what M'Chel is wearing for $400, Alex."

5. The Wisconsin Teacher's Union... in happier days.

Threadwinner: Matt the K
Relatives reluctantly dressed down for this year's GaGa Family reunion.

Best of Dr. Doom
After much debate the Eugene, OR City Council finally determines what to pledge allegiance to...

Best of mpur
Sigh. The inevitable Michele Bachmann photoshops are making the rounds.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Padme's mom's a MILF... pass it on.

Best of Matt the K
Armada of Mom has this outfit.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
If she answers a question negatively, viceroy sparkles there could get an eye gouged out.

Best of jj
His moobs are bigger than her boobs....and they're spectacular!

Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner Jack Reacher
The first meeting of Governor Jerry Brown's cabinet is called to some sort of order.

Best of Adriane
Wayne Newton was such an innocent lad when he first arrived in Vegas ...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
No, Kane, you haven't got a chance with him! Tigerman may be hung like a Bardeezian Swampbeast but he's just not into guys... and I'm certainly not going to order him to do that!!
... besides, he's had the hots for Twiki ever since hearing the little bot swings both ways.

Best of Mr Hankey
Yes Marty McFly, all of your earth's history changed June 24th when gay marriage was legalized in New York. To change this you must go back...

Best of Submariner
"Is it Amok time yet, Ardala?"
"No"
"Is it Amok time yet, Ardala?"
"No"
"Is it Amok time yet, Ardala?"
"No"
"Is it Amok time yet..."

Best of Censors Hip
"Now that we have conquered Earth, have the eunuch bring me Ray Bradbury."

Monday, July 04, 2011

On this fourth of July, think of the brave warfighters who defend our freedom

The Brigade



Best of dadoctah
It's actually *more* demoralizing to the enemy to get shot down by someone whose quarters are decorated with posters of My Little Pony.

Best of Submariner
"I'm the most successful combat pilot you have, Colonel. So why do you only let me fly missions into enemy territory every 28 days?"

Best of Submariner
Two more missions and I qualify for a Dooney & Burke handbag with my miles!

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Julie test flies the newest Sybian - now with soundproof cockpit!

OMG WTF USA



Best of Dr. Doom
Stan "Funny Uncle" Smith prepares to lead the Independence Day parade in San Francisco...

Best of dadoctah
I was actually looking forward to seeing the new Captain America movie, but now I think I'm just gonna skip it.

Best of Submariner
Nick was banned from the Folsom Street Fair for being entirely too tastelss and bizarre for normal San Franciscans.

Friday, July 01, 2011

Professor Darwin on Line 1

Al? I think it was Al.



Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
How many Pollacks does it take to detonate an artillery shell? (Forgive me! I could not resist!)

Best of Matt the K
Fans of "The Bomb Whisperer" were disappointed when the show ended partway during the first episode.

Best of blue
"..and when it explodes, we each get 72 virgins!"

Best of JohnS1959
In a show of solidarity with President Obama's strategy, the Afghani military demonstrates its ability to take over defense of the country when the Amerikkkans leave.

Best of dadoctah
"Hold it steady, you knucklehead!"
"Why, soitenly!"

Best of Submariner
"Hey y'all; watch this!"
Red Neckskyi's

Threadwinner: Censors Hip
Now remember comrade, just 4 pumps!

Portrait of an Olbermann Viewer

Guest Caption Monor Carpe Phlogistan


1- Friday, June 10: Dear Diary, was it just the beer goggles or did Barnaby briefly turn into a praying mantis tonight?

2- "Too bad Jeff had to miss this! Say, where is Jeff anyway?"
Creepy Ernie really wowed the frat house with his Anthony Hopkins impersonation.

3- Meet tiny headed girl's twin brother, Ralph!

4- Substitute teachers rarely argued when Jason batted his eyes and asked for a D rather than an F on pop quizzes.

5- Looks like a 28-year old virgin's about to get lucky. Can't say the same for Shirleen, though.

Best of Matt the K
His will broken by LSD on rye sandwiches, Scrappy Doo brings Shaggy over to the Dark Side.

Best of JohnS1959
"Billy, have you been peeking into the girls' showers again?", asked Principal Jones

Best of Submariner
Back for another botox injection Ms. Pelosi?

Best of Submariner
Jimmy practises for his big chair-side manner mid-term at Livonia Community College Dental Hygienist School.

Best of Submariner
Why, yes, President Obama;
I WOULD be interested in a position as your Summer Camp Safety Czar...

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
One pump short of a full load.

Meanwhile, on MSLSD

Newsbusters


1. Mika and Joe react to a story that "All of Sarah Palin's children were torn apart by wild dogs earlier today..."

2. Joe and Mika discuss the probability of a Joe Biden candidacy in 2016.

3. Joe and Mika's initial response at seeing Anthony's Weiner.

4. "'Where will you be when your laxative kicks in?' That one kills me every time, Joe."

5. We've secretly replaced Joe Scarborough with Chandler Bing from friends. Let's see if either one of the viewers notices.

Best of Submariner
"Andy Dick" That name always slays me..

Best of Jack Reacher
"It's just an expression, Joe. You don't actually 'blow.'"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Olbermann's on what station now?..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Maybe the segment on medical marijuana so close to 4:20pm wasn't the greatest idea.

Or maybe, it was.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
MSNBC attempts a different tact in their coverage of the Casey Anthony trial.

Best of mpur
Thaddeus McCotter announced what?

Best of blue
"...just 4 more pumps, Mika!"

Best of Spin
The Pavlovian response displayed by Mika and Joe when the words 'Obama' and 'dick' are used together was amazing.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Wow, former Congressman Wiener, that looks just like a penis," Mika paused for a second, "only smaller!"