Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Redneck Bride

blue

1. You think this is bad, you should see how Jeff Foxworthy's remake reimagines Westley.

2. Seems a bit late to be administering this kind of test. How did she do on the trailer hitch, by the way.

3."All right, she's fully inflated with Helium. Let her go!"

4. Oddly enough, Barney Frank has both the outfit and the gag reflex.

5. "Geez, Billy Bob, were you dropped on your head? It's taking three guys to pull her off and get her to the altar, and you wonder if she's getting cold feet?"

Best of blue
In redneck country the virginity test misses the point.

Best of Matt the K
Kegger? Didn't even blah blah blah

Best of Adriane
You know Adelaine, if you married into the Bush Family, you only would have had to promise not to reveal the baked bean recipe. But Noooo, you had to marry into the Busch Family ...

Best of jj
Anniemae was sooo talented. When the beer keg ran out of CO2, she was able to re-pressurize the keg.

Best of mpur
What? *More* royal wedding photos?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Freshmen girls are so gullible... "Guys, are you sure this cures hiccups?"

Best of Oiao
There is no brass left on the door knobs either.....

Best of sonicfrog
Not to be outdone by Newsweek's recent scandalous Kate Middleton / Princess Diana cover shot, Time magazine has decided to feature a behind-the-scenes picture of the Royal bride on their front cover!

Best of dub
This is the last time she'll be swallowing, trust me.

Best of I Wish I Knew
After Jessica successfully transmuted the poisonous Water of Life into a harmless psychogenic liqour, the Fremen wedding party really kicked into high gear.

Best of dadoctah
Meghan McCain tries once more to steal the spotlight from Bristol.

Best of Spin
If not for the tiara this might be considered tacky.

Wednesday Bait for the Tools Who Bitch When I Make Fun of the Wookie*


* YKWYA


1. "Aunt Zeituni! What are you still doing here?"

2. "Give me lots of greasy fries because I'm a hypocritical shrew with a gigantic butt and my butt stinks and and I like to smell my own butt."

3. "Oh, nertz! I forgot to bring my eatin' shovel!"

4. "P'Tagh! This gagh is barely moving! I should tear out your heart for this!"

Best of blue
"This floor better be clean enough for me to eat off of...."

Best of HLam
"Ok, let me say it real slow for you this time. E-X-T-R-A M-A-Y-O-N-A-I-S-S-E."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Lemme have four pumps of the barbecue sauce; I feel like a load."

Best of metalgarth
Screw you bitch, I can get that at McPatterson's for $2.99

Best of mpur
Whaddya mean it's "all you can eat, not all you can carry"?

Best of arf
Fifteen Schnitzengruben might be Cleavon Little's limit, but that's where I start.

Threadwinner: Son Of The Godfather
Cool, someone uploaded another McDonald's fight video!

Best of Steve O
Can I get a big long piece of meat that hooks downward? I can't get that at home.

Best of Submariner
I don't care; just slop a little of whatever that crap is on a plate. I'm dumping it in the nearest trash can after the photo op showing we're "the same as you little people" any ways...

Best of Vinneh
"No soup for you! Next"!

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"..and get me one of those Redneck Bride kegs, to go!'



5. "Don't you hold out your fried from me you chalk... chocolate... faced whore!"

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I Scream, You Scream, As Well We Should...

Divine Miss M


1. Barney Frank's latest scheme to attract interns closer to his age preference.

2. ORATry the "Andrew Sullivanilla," it's a "milky load of goodness." 

3. Try an "Anderson S'Cooper" of our frozen yogurt; it pretends not to be ice cream, but everybody knows it is.

4. "OMG! It's Rosie O'Donnell coming this way! Start the truck and floor it!"

5. "Try the Chocolate Fudge Swirl: It's packed with fudge!"

Best of blue
In NYC these trucks now issue marriage licenses.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Fine. Just remember when I destroy your loudspeaker for blasting the ice-cream-truck version of "Over The Rainbow" non-stop in my neighborhood, it is not a "hate" crime.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The "Chunky Monkey" usually sells out within an hour.

Best of Matt the K
All I can say is don't order the Spoomoni.

Best of Adriane
Ang Lee's remake of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang did NOT go medieval on the new Child Catcher. (And why should he when this cameo was way cheaper!?!)

Best of Steve O
I just don't know how the sign helps differentiate THIS ice cream truck from any other ice cream truck.

Leftovers From That Royal Thingy From Last Month

3blue


1. MSNBC interns relax on their day off.

2.Unfortunately, even on Airstrip One, there's not much of a market for 'Fergie's Twat' impersonators.

3. Strangely enough, they are Shariah-compliant.

4. Meanwhile, somewhere in New York state, society jumps in the handbasket.

5. The Church of England announced the appointment of two new bishops earlier this week...

Best of Submariner
Whoa; Reba McIntyre done REALLY let herself go!

Best of Dr. Doom
The Safe Schools Czar and the Safe Internet Czar realized they both wore the same outfit to the President's state dinner for the Vatican Envoy. Things went rapidly down hill from there...

Best of Mr Hankey
Raggedy Ann & Andy can now get married

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
GUEST Contributor Carl Sagan: With billions and billions of stars in the universe, there's a remote possibility of that look being "normal" somewhere.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Fortunately for him, Lt.Barclay had changed the attribute of this particular holodeck program to "hidden"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Eat your heart out, John Edwards!"

Best of Matt the K
"Battle of the Network Trannies" proved to be a BBC ratings powerhouse.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Barry Makes Whoopi

Al


1. Nice that Whoopi and Ted Danson are back together again.

2. "Thanks for coming with me to the 'Triumphs of Affirmative Action' dinner, Whoopi. Hey, look, there's Rick Sanchez."

3. Obama thoughtbubble: "(Sigh) Kennedy got Marilyn Monroe. Clinton got Sharon Stone.I got a freak who didn't need make-up to play an alien on Star Trek."

4. "Tell you, um, what. You don't tell anybody I'm a, um, Muslim. I won't tell anybody you're a, um, man."

5. "Nice disguise, Mrs. Salahi, but you're still not welcome at the White House. Security!"

Best of Vinneh
"Ask Bab's if she's still into black men."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Well, no... If you do it to me that way, it wouldn't be rape rape..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Oh, don't mind M'Chel over there... Someone dropped an M&M."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
He'll never be a Charlton Heston, but you have to admit Whoopi nails the part of ZIRA... and without any help from the makeup dept.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Do we really need to appoint a "Czar of Nonsensical Babbling"?... I mean, I've already got Biden."

Best of Submariner
Whispered; "Don't turn around and don't panic; there are Amerikkkan flags dangerously close to touching you!"

Best of Submariner
"I LOVED you in 'Diff'rent Strokes,' Mr. Coleman..."

Best of Submariner
Whoa; Ed Reed really let himself go during the lockout!

Best of Jack Reacher
"Let's just say I'm doing to the economy what you've done to every movie you've ever been in."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Tell me, um, what your name is again, um, so that, um, I can decide whether or not to, um, bow to you."

Caption Contest @ Patterico

Go for it, Monors. 


"Nothin' honey, just replying to a message from a supporter. On an unrelated note, I have to use the men's room."

Best of Double the U
Before his wife returned he couldn't cross his legs like that.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Really, Tony, you really have to do that now?... Let me ask you something. If you were speaking to 45,000 people, and someone in the back threw a pie, would I still be looking to rip your d*ck off and collect as much alimony as I possibly could? Put the g-damned Blackberry down and order."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Huma replaced his sexting phone with shiny black chinese thumb cuffs, forcing the Perv of the Month to stare at his hairy palms in frustration.

Best of Submariner
I don't care WHAT your Mother or Grandmother's names were. Our daughter's name is NOT going to be Ima or Fonda, and that is the last I'll hear on the subject.

Best of prince of leaves
Huma: "Hmm, I dunno, can't decide between the chicken with risotto or RIPPING YOUR F-ING HEAD OFF. I think I need another minute..."

Best of prince of leaves
Weiner: "I just want a tossed salad."

Best of any mouse
Huma: "Now that NY has finally legalized gay marriage I can divorce this yahoo & marry Hillary!!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Hey, Anthony, what did the unemployed perv say to his wife?"
"Huh?"
"Yeah, that's what I thought."

M'Chel Gets Down

Al

1.M'Chel: "I don't see why Hillary gets into this so much... oh, wait, there's supposed to be carpet, isn't there?"

2. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

3. M'Chel was a natural to play a Lycan in Underworld V, and the producers saved a fortune on make-up and CGI.

4. "Wow! I haven't seen a floor this shiny since the original Star Wars trilogy."

5. "Hillary Clinton in a Carpet Warehouse? Your husband meeting the Mayor of Tampa? The economy under your husband's policies? Andrew Sullivan in a Fire Island men's room?  I give up, M'Chel... you win this round of charades."

Best of Army of Dad
"WASSUP!"

Best of jj
I know there's a drop of BBQ sauce here somewhere...

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Michelle volunteered to each her oral technique at the Gay Pride Learning Center. The trainees were scared straight.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Sorry, shoulda warned you... They make one hell of a tequila around here."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Ant thought bubble: "She's back! Run for your lives!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Based on the tireless efforts of Gitmo guards, the president's council on physical fitness now recommends that muslims combine prayers with calisthenics to fight obesity.

Best of Submariner
One nano-second later, the Predator lost a canine tooth as it attacked it's own reflection...

Best of Submariner
Oh look; SHINY!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"It's no use! It's pulling us in!"
Gravity wins the struggle as M'Chel's ass super-collapses into a singularity.

Best of Jack Reacher
After ten minutes they finally accepted that, no matter how hard they pushed, they couldn't lower the floor.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Thank you sir - May I have another!!

Best of Capt. Queeg
Chubby dude on left: "Oh Lord, I think I just blew a nut!"

Saturday, June 25, 2011

The Green Fields of Earth



1. A young V the K and his brother were often forced to perform "lawnmower jousts" for their father's amusement. (Happy Birthday, Kimbro.)
2. "The pyre is ready. Bring on the witch!"

3. Hank Hill and Bill Dauterive, the early years.

4. "Hey, look over there. Biden's givin' Jug-Ears a hand-job!"

5. Even at a young age, Dale Earnhardt Jr was an obnoxious prick.

Best of dadoctah
The fifty-third annual running of the Pixley-to-Hooterville Grand Prix is about to get underway.

Best of Adriane
Billy Bob began to have second thoughts about helping out when 'Ride of the Valkyrie' kicked in and Bobby Bill started loading the sprayer with napalm...

Best of Jack Reacher
Something tells me that not all of the "Green Energy" transportation subsidies are producing viable prototypes.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The crisis was averted once Billy and Jeff introduced the current administration to He Who Walks Behind the Rows.

Best of prince of leaves
When the embarrassed boys told paramedics that Billy actually lost his foot due to "umm...witches! That's it!", they inadvertently touched off what later became known as the McGillicuddy County Burning Times.

Son Of The Godfather
    "Behind us?... Oh, those are just tractor beams."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    2 Fast, 2 Furious: Nebraska

Best of Matt the K
Once Toro and Skoal got behind Extreme Barnyard Drifting, the sport really took off.

Best of Matt the K
    This is your Amish on drugs.

Best of Double the U
"Lefty" as he would become known, says this was the moment that changed his life the most.

Best of JohnS1959
Behind the scenes at the Shovel Ready Projects Institute, a DNC think tank...

Best of Submariner
    Bumpin' IS racin' Junior...

Friday, June 24, 2011

Lawn Jerkys

Schneider


1. Obama: "OK, I give up. Which one of those windows is the door?"

2. "Why is, um, General Zod hovering over the White House? Should I be, um, concerned about this?"

3. "What's ceiling cat doing on the roof of the White House?"

4. "OK, Mr. President, let's imagine that when you came into office, the National Debt was waist-deep. By the time you finish your first term, it will be neck deep... on that guy standing on the roof up there."

5. Biden: "Yeah, the lawn sure looks a lot nicer since we fired those lazy black guys and hired some Mex... Ooooh, awkward. God bless ya, anyway, Mr. President."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Jeez, what have I told you about PDA's, Joe?? Get your grubby hand out of my crotch until we're inside. Camera's always on, you horny old retard.

Best of Mr. Hankey
...and we could put the 18th hole right here.

Best of HLam
"Who knew the Chinese could foreclose on the White House? Now where do we go?"

Best of Double the U
Eventually Americans would vote for anyone, President Larry Appleton and Vice-President Balki Bartokomous can be seen here walking into the White House on their first day in office.

Best of Artfldgr
Ya, know... it was one of my most important decisions... to switch to Scotts AstroTurf Builder...

Best of Artfldgr
I know, I know, Americas broke and I have to do my share, but how many times does it take to shoot a "Mens store" ad?

Best of Submariner
THERE'S the egg we couldn't find last April!"

Best of Vinneh
Leading the President by his dick, Brian Williams' interviews are getting a bit too friendly.

Best of Spin
Soros' man leads his charge just like a pull toy

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
4 pumps, Mr President?

Best of Jack Reacher
"The assessment came in a bit below where we'd planned, but I think we can still work a home-equity line of credit on this place. Anyone know Chris Dodd's banker?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Stand perfectly still, Joe! Those Seal Team 6 guys are still a bit miffed at me taking all the credit, and I just heard a click under your right foot."

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Sad Vader Is Sad


1. "Vacation on Kamino" they said. "What could go wrong?" They said.

2. "Let's see, two banthas, two nerfs, two womp rats ... oops, shouldn't have mixed the wampas with the tauntauns."

3. "Gee, I must be on The Rain Planet. Did it ever occur to Lucas that planets might have more than one topographical feature per?"

4. Darth Vader's rendition of "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head," was deleted from the Star Wars Holiday Specialto give more time to the Itchy/Diahann Carroll inter-species syber pr0n sequence.

5. "Rain? On Tatooine? Is Al Gore in town or something?"

Best of Dr. Doom
"But we had a deal", cried Algore, "How can I sell climate change now"?
"I am altering the deal", replied Lord Vader ominously, "Pray I don't alter it any further"...

Best of Army of Dad
"I'm Meeeelting..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
DORF on FORCE

Best of Mr. Hankey
George Lucas jumps the shark again with Nickelodean's new series "Star Wars - The Junior High Years"

Best of prince of leaves
"Oh great," O'Neill observed with ironic enthusiasm, "Darth Vader's now a Goa'uld. Nice."

Best of prince of leaves
"Someone...left the Sith out...in the rain....."

Best of Submariner
Sometimes it even reigns on a Cheney family picnic...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Thought bubble: "The sound of water droplets bouncing off my sinister mask combined with the artificial respirator that sustains me... Is this what Nancy Pelosi feels like in the shower?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The science is settled. Sith-made global warming is a fact.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Wapner in 10 minutes... definitely."

Coincidentally, I will be in Chantilly Today


Caterpillar

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Dad????



Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Desperate to get into the Mile High Club, Elliot Zingle finally abandons his "I'll only do it with women" policy.

Best of Dr. Doom
Item #37 on the list of ways nature says "Stay Away"

Best of Double the U
God I hate JetBlue's new uniforms... but baggage is free and they have TVs in every seat.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Larry Craig was more daring during his next visit to the airport.

Best of divine miss m
Now, to accessorize...with a lamppost and a public defender.

Best of racerboy
By now, one might suspect George enjoys losing these bets...

Best of Steve O
With a sick sense of humor and with his own creep-tolerance abnormally high, Frank liked making the TSA screeners uncomfortable.

Best of prince of leaves
Buzz Aldrin, on the prowl for wife #5.

Best of mpur
Hi, Welcome to San Fransisco. Enjoy your stay.

Best of Submariner
Good night Mary Ellen. Come to Grandpa's room, John Boy...

Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific

The Brigade



1. "What do you mean we're a day late?"

2. ORA:  Hey, look, in the background. It's Megaweapon. Nice to see he still gets work.

3. "Check out those Mormon Missionaries over there; what a couple of freaks."

4. "These ticks are delicious!"

5. "Dude! There's an entire level-five civilization of lice growing in there!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"I think I have the leak sealed. Can't really do anything about what's already lost, Mate."

Best of Spineless Vertebra
Somehow logical to them, Dustin and Gary fought back against conformist by having the same haircut, wearing the same clothes, and listening to the same music.

Best of jj
Where's that black lady with the shovel...she could probably kill some of these faster...

Best of Dr. Doom
Ramming speed!!!...

Best of Submariner
Dude! Where's Your Ear?

Best of Matt the K
"...so I says to her, 'honey, he's just not enough anti-establishment for you'..." Kyle always got the best dirt whenever he went to his Anarchist Hairdresser.

Arrgh! My Eyes!

Al


1. Rolling Thunder-Thighs.

2. Oh noes! Somebody's "Wide Load" banner blew off!

3. "Barry, I've left you for Gary Busey, John Huntsman. Make sure the girls eat their vegetables, (signed) M'Chel."

4. Minnesota, August 1 2007: "Don't worry Sheniqua. I'm sure the I-35 bridge can handle a few extra pounds." (Too soon?)

5. Once it's finished putting pictures of diseased lungs on cigarette packages, the Obama Regime's next move will be to put this picture on every box of Twinkies sold in the USA.

Threadswinner: Adriane
WARNING: Objects in your wind shield may be larger than you ever dreamed possible.

Best of Rodney Dill
Atomic batteries to power... Turbines to speed... Afterburner to thrust...

Best of Army of Dad
Jamal proves you can have junk in the trunk on a sport bike.

Best of GregMan
After the collapse of the Amerikkkan economy in late 2011, even M'chell's motorcade had to economize.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Mommy, Daddy said chocolate milk came from brown cows... so I can guess where chocolate cottage cheese comes from!
Best of VInneh
I guess he was hauling ass.

Best of mpur
Downside: When he stops, Tyrone has to slide Sahnaynay over to the side of the seat to break the suction.
Upside: No matter how fast he goes, the bitch does not fall off.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
RELEASE THE KRAKKEN! (Sorry, for some reason this just made me think of "Clash of the Tight 'uns.")
Best of Submariner
Mad Madge, Beyond the Thunder, Homes
A Samuel L Bronkowitz production.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Black Moon Rising

Best of sonicfrog
Because Hollywood is SO completely out of new ideas.... Yes, this is a scene from the John Waters directed reboot / blacksploitation version of Kill Bill. But, according to the buzz on the street, this version is actually pretty good!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Remember When Tuesdays Featured Hot Lesbian Cowgirls?

I blame you monors for not sending me pictures of hot lesbian cowgirls.

Divine Miss M


1. ORA: The Sisterhood of Lesbian Bloggers holds its first nature walk.

2. "I still don't get why the Boy Scouts won't let us be scoutmasters."

3. "Yeah, Tony, now that you mention it, a guy could scream out here for hours and nobody would hear."

4. Incredibly, some survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse were even dumber and less prepared than the cast of The Walking Dead.

5.His beer gut and tiny weiner were available for all to see, but Tony insisted on covering his bald spot with a baseball cap.

Threadwinner Cricket
Pilgrims on a journey to seek the Shrine of Enlarged Scrotum Man.

Best of Dr. Doom
Three of the seven 'dwarfs' set off in search of Snow White... Oh and to score some Viagra too...

Best of Dr. Doom
Small business owners, Bob Smith, Steve Jones, and Joe White are seen here leaving their meeting with the IRS...

Best of mpur
Only took these guys about 30 minutes to realize exactly why humans evolved with the skills to make clothing and armor.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Every year it's the same old thing. The guys from the fat camp upriver try to crash Lilith Fair claiming they took a wrong turn on the path.

Best of Double the U
Bill.... If you slap my ass one more time and tell me there was a mosquito on it I swear to Gawd..

Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner prince of leaves
Residents of Chumley, Alaska take drastic measures to frighten the sasquatches away from the town dump.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Clueless, lost, out of shape, out of step, and out of the mainstream. Ladies and gentlemen and assorted monors, I give you a snapshot of liberalism.

Best of Submariner
Awaking in paradise, St. Pancake receives the her first 3 virgins...

Best of Spineless Vertebra
"Let's try walking east now, maybe our dignity is in that direction."

Peter North is Spider-Man

Spotted this at Target last weekend

Monday, June 20, 2011

Tony and Huma

Brender


1. Huma: "That dangling the car keys to distract me trick only works on the underage bimbos you've been sexting."

2. "Go! Go! Gadget Keys!"

3. Huma smiled secretly; the next time Tony started the Pathfinder, her friends from the Muslim Sisterhood would have a little surprise for him.

4. Weiner: "I guess I will take the job at CNN, but only if they call the show Weiner-Spitzer."

5. Little did Tony or Huma suspect a naked, spread-eagled Meghan McCain was waiting for her "favorite Democrat" on the other side of the door.

Best of jj
No, the baby should be named Oscar-Mayer ... Weiner.

Best of GregMan
"Anthony, you can talk about what those teenagers said about your manhood alll you want, but Hillary's is still bigger."

Best of GregMan
"Dammit, Anthony, why couldn't have you done something more respectable, like rape an immigrant hotel maid? Sexting is just so ... common!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
We had "Bennifer" and "Bradgelina" - welcome "Humanthony"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Verizon's new "Can You Hear Me Now" goto guy.

Best of Unscrupulous
Yes honey, I'll be home by 6.
Yes dear, I'll bring home milk.
No love, I have not jerked off and sent pictures to any porn sluts today.
I love you too.

Best of prince of leaves
On this week's episode of "Who's Really the Beard?"...

Best of blue
"So honey how was your trip? Did you catch any news shows while you were in the Middle East?'

Best of Submariner
Tony provides a size comparison using his house key...

M'Chel Takes Out Her 'Eatin' Shovel'

blue

(Laura Ingraham did this pic last week. I think we can do better.)


1.ORA: Because of a long-forgotten session with a Soviet hypnotist, M'Chel is compelled to act out the fight scene from Hobgoblins whenever she sees a ham-and-cheese sandwich.

2. "Somebody's about to be a  Dead Chalk-faced Whore..."

3. "Now, dig your own graves, kulaks!"

4. Upon learning the "Bring Out Your Dead" guy won't be back until Tuesday, M'Chel takes matters into her own hands.

5. In retrospect, Eva Gabor adjusted to farm life much better than M'Chel.


Threadwinner: Rodney Dill
"You... shall... not... pass..."

Best of metalgarth
Next up on HGTV: "Klingon Gardening"

Best of Mr Hankey
If you sing "Camptown Races" around Michelle, she's ingrained to grab a shovel & go to work

Best of Rodney Dill
"Haagan Daz? Slowly I turned..."

Best of mpur
I will f*** you up!

Best of Mr. Hankey
Michelle heads to the Pet Cemetary to raise Barack's candidacy from the dead.

Best of Adriane
Ang Lee's remake of Chain Gang Women went for celebrity cameo street cred.

Best of Steve O
Shovel... Ready... Projects...
The Obama family plays charades with the entire country.

Best of Unscrupulous
Nobody ever said M'chelle doesn't pick up after herself.

Best of prince o'' leaves
Caught without her bat'leth when challenged by the press, M'Chel improvises.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
GET YOUR ASS AWAY FROM MY YAMS!

Best of Jack Reacher
"Hey, look; I found Olbermann's career!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Apparently, sandlot hockey is at lot more violent than sandlot baseball used to be.

Best of Army of Dad
"I'm sick of these Mother f-ing honkeys on my mother f-ing lawn!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! Sproing!



UPDATE: Some wonderful anonymous monor pointed out an angle I totally missed: (Below the break)

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Lazy Saturday Free For All Courtesy of Schneider and the Peeps of WalMert


Best of prince of leaves
Luger? I hardly knew her!

THreadwinner: prince of leaves
"Yeah, you'll get this here gun when you pry it from my cold, shriveled, liver-spotted chest!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
And the NRA claims they've thought of every reason to support CCW!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Aging Bond girls learn that fame is fleeting indeed.

Best of mpur
For project Gunrunner, the BATF cleverly marked the straw buyers.

Best of Jack Reacher
Before she slimmed down that was an AK-47.

Best of Dr. Doom
Later she successfully robbed the cashier by saying, "Hand over the cash, don't make me show you the ammo clip"...

Best of Mr. Hankey
Julie's investment straegy: Tatoo a handgun today - get an M1 in 5 years as it stretches out.

Best of Unscrupulous
Somebody please give her a concealed carry permit.

Best of Steve O
Although she was the tallest girl in her 6th grade class, nobody ever made fun of Annie.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Hockey Night in Canadia

12xU

1. Charlie McGee's pyrokinesis came in handy when she saw her boyfriend doing it in the street with some skank.

2. At the sight of her arm flab, dub spontaneously combusted.

3. Onlookers posed for pictures next to the precise spot where the Canucks crashed and burned.

4. "All right, who made a racial joke in front of Dawn?"

5. "Fire's going, now if only someone would txt us some weiners."

Best of Submariner
When the graph is displayed properly, it disputes global warming and Al'gore REALLY gets angry!

Best of Vinneh
"Last thing I remember they were screwing, then poof they went up in flames"!

Best of metalgarth
Reason #367 of why you shouldn't send your kid to summer camp in Detroit

Best of blue
"Did I do that?'

Best of prince of leaves
Maryjo was simply twirling around and posing for Ted's camera - neither had any idea that her innocent, accidental dance was a long-forgotten ancient ritual for summoning Satan himself.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Gwen reattaches her head after having it accidently knocked off by a wildly swung hockey stick.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Yes," the alien death hunter mused slowly, "your head *would* look better on my trophy shelf." As he readied his electro-blade, he marveled at this world's bizarre social pyramid.

Love, Canadian Style

12XU also Jack Creature and others


1. A heterosexual act at Folsom Street Fair touches off a fabulous riot.

2. Jeez, you'd think Canadians had never seen a PDA before.

3. Him: "Is this your first time having sex in public?" Her: "Why do you guys always ask that?"

4. Cop: "Hey, look over there. Two dogs doin' it! There is no way I'm gonna turn around and miss this."

5. It's the end of the world as we know it, and Billy is gettin' some!

Best of Submariner
In Mortal Combat XXII, Sub Zero looks about the same but I think I like Kitana's new "very special" move.

Best of Rodney Dill
"GOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!"

Best of Vinneh
That's why they call them Canadian Mounties!

Best of HLam
In Vancouver, the only thing the doesn't score is their Hockey Team.

Best of GregMan
The only drawback is she's as flat as the Canucks' offense.

Best of Submariner
He shoots. He scores!

Best of Mr Hankey
Kyle hires an entire police force to make sure he doesn't get c*ck-blocked this time.

Best of prince of leaves
The climactic love scene from the new Canadian blockbuster, "From Here to Calgary".

Best of Rodney Dill
Best.DWTS.Routine.Ever

Best of Dr. Doom
Flash Mob - yur doin it RONG. But please carry on...

Best of Submariner
Makin' Canadien Bacon...

Best of mpur
How hockey moms are made.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

What's in the Bag, Billy Boy?



1. The Gruesome Specter of Death figured Bill was due for another coronary any time now.

2. Bill Clinton arrives at a Hollywood fundraiser with guest, Kim Cattrall.

3.Clinton and Richards emerge from Woody Harrelson's house having scored some "Primo Sh-t."

4. This is gonna be the lamest Thunderdome ever.

5. Bill Clinton would come to regret saying 'Beetlejuice' three times.


Threadwinner Double the U
Clinton and Obama walk out of the room after seeing Hillary naked.

Best of dadoctah
At the conclusion of an intervention from a bunch of *real* musicians, Bill carries away the remains of his saxophone.

Best of mpur
Richards had no clue who the guy was, but he made an excellent mule since the police never, ever seemed to mess with him.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Obscure John Carpenter Alert:
Keith's special glasses permitted him to see what he suspected all along; the aliens were here, they were masking their presence with subliminal imaging, and Bill Clinton was a dickhead.

Best of Submariner
Bill and Hill leave the spa following her make-over...

Best of prince of leaves
So now Bill's boinking Cher?

Best of prince of leaves
Bill looks great, but Hillary really needs another lifeforce feeding.

Best of metalgarth
it's not what you think, we just got some take out from McPatterson's on the way home. Now where's my Possum McNuggets

Best of Jack Reacher
Mistaking Clinton's hand for a "Don't Walk" sign, Richards freezes in place.

Best of Adriane
Even More Obscure Boris Sagal Alert ...
Well, it's true Clinton didn't bear the sacred marks, but then Matthias was busted for using forbidden tools ... so the Secret Service v. zombie showdown kind of ended in a draw ...

Best of Vinneh
Who leaves a Tittie Bar with a doggie bag?

Bill Clinton.

Best of Spin
After the Weiner scandal Hilary decided to return Bill's penis.

Harry and the Redcoats


1. They didn't want to, but protocol demanded that each one pull Prince Harry's finger.

2. "Blimey, this 'un looks loik tha' little bald chap used to chase Benny 'ill around, 'e does!"

3. "This one says he served in the Royal Navy under Churchill. Bet he took it up the bum a lot!"

4. "Yes, this one, too. Also, the darkie in the back." Prince Harry loved pointing out men who would make better kings than his father.

5. The surviving members of Monty Python gather at Balmoral to wear silly hats, meet the prince, and re-enact the Argument Clinic sketch one last time.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Boy am I glad I don't have to wear a stupid hat like this guy", said Harry.

Threadwinner GregMan
ORA: "And now, a man with a tape recorder up his nose."

Best of jj
War heroes all and not a tooth amongst them. Another shining example of Britain's socialized health/dental care.

Best of Mr. Hankey
To Tell The Truth '11 - Prince Harry correctly identifies Contestant #2 as "man who cut down a shrubbery with a herring".

Best of dadoctah
I'm not sure who's let themselves go more, Gladys Knight or the Pips.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
He's dropped the "prince" moniker for "The artist formerly known as the fun, single guy".

Best of prince
"He used to fight Nazis, I like to dress up like Nazis - Isn't that *ironic*???"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sez e's too old to be hanged, sez e's nawt afraid of "pretenders to the throne" 'e does. Gunna enjoy stretchin this'uns neck, I am.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Oh... look... shiny..."

Best of Vinneh
"Hey guys, you think your uniforms are spiffy? Let me show you my Heinrich Himmler service dress. It will knock your socks off."

Best of Submariner
ORA: In a surprise upset, Prince Harry awards the prestigious "Doorman of the Year" award to Carlton.

Best of Submariner
Prince Harry finds out where he'll be when the "moment is right" and looks around for the pair of bathtubs to share with the lucky one...

Sure, why not?

Bleu

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Love Arabian Style




1. "Because the goat has a headache, that's why."

2. "Malcolm in the Middle" means something totally different in Muslim families.

3. "... and later, he's going to let me try on the vest I get to wear when I ride the schoolbus with the Zionists on it."

4. Caption This! Now with 40% more implied pederasty.

5."Couldn't have been me, dad. Mine are silent."

Best of blue
NAMBLA means the same in every culture!

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"..and Uncle Achmed said that we are having wieners & chocolate cake for dinner!"

Best of mpur
It's becoming more apparent why young Muslim men are so eager to volunteer for suicide missions.

Best of dadoctah
Andy and Opie adapt to a changing world.

Best of jj
Young Achmed was rescued from St. Timothy's rectory, only to find that the same traditions exist in all religions.

Best of Mr. Hankey
The Courtship of Abdul's Father - The loving relationship of a boy and his father, left alone in the world after Abdul Sr. has his wife stoned to death for showing her bare shoulders in public.

Best of Submariner
No, Achmed, I did not say that our family pumps the oil wells, I said said our family uses oil to pump well...

Best of Double the U
So then Congressman Frank says, "What do you know, another thing we have in common." and he helped us build the Mosque near ground zero.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Arab Stimulus package

Best of Formallypreviouslyknowasoiao
"Three Goats! By Allah, I demand three goats for this boy! Yey, get that camera outta this...."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
For just 3600 Rials a month, you can help little Abdul here fulfill his destiny of becoming a murderous thug and insane zealot! That's less than the cost of 1 cup of frothy camel urine a day.

Best of dadoctah
Everyone's so proud of Hasim. He's a regular splinter off the ol' cell.

Insert Rod Into Tab

Featuring Matt the K


1. Might I interest you in congressman on a stick?

2. Get your stinking paws all over me, you damned dirty ape.

3. Eazzzzzy baby, 17 schnitzenweenie's my limit!!!

4. Fudge icing? You shouldn't have!!!

5. I see where your goin' with the "Dunkin' Heiney" angle but I think "Roddy McDowall" would be a much safer stage name.

Best of blue
"Say Roddy, can I put my plump & juicy wiener into your moist chocolate cake?"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Rod & Tod Flanders - all grown up, but still gay!

Best of GregMan
A young Bawney Fwank discovers the joys of baked goods.

Best of Submariner
If I give you this cake will you help recreate a "Josie and the Pussycats" cartoon I saw?

Best of Submariner
That Epilady worked great on our chests! Wanna help me try it out in a lower setting?

Best of dadoctah
"Rod and Tab...just the sort of names you'd expect to find in an erector set."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Wait 'til we show Uncle Barney how much fudge we packed today!! He knew we would be great at this!

Best of Dr. Doom
Ang Lee's early work directing commercials for the San Francisco based restaurant chain, Bob's Really Big Boy, would serve him well later in life...

Monday, June 13, 2011

Pinky Dick Goes Walking



1. Tony wondered, "If I really were an Oscar Meyer Weiner, then would everyone be in love with me?"

2. The taunts of "Sick Intercourse" and "second rate pronographer" follow Congressman Weiner wherever he goes.

3. "Congressman, is it true you offered to buy Natalie Portman a fur coat?"

4. "Congressman, what's it like being married to Hillary's girlfriend?"

5. "Congressman, Andrew Sullivan wants to know what he has to do to get on your Twitter list."

Best of Unscrupulous
Your dick's in that box right now isn't it? Isn't it?

Best of blue
"Mr. Weiner - you emailed pix of yours to co-eds, yet President Clinton actually showed his to a intern....what does this say about your political ambitions?

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Does your sordid affair distract in any way from the release of the Palin emails?"

Best of any mouse
"You know, if Hillary didn't sleep over so much, I wouldn't be in this mess!"

Best of jj
It's obvious he's a politician. He needs his shopping bags labeled.

Best of Submariner
Congressman - I've seen the photos and must ask; have you ever, even once, satisfied a woman?

Threadwinner: Jack Reacher
Next on the errand list: The stores Your Thongs and Your Gray Briefs.

Best of prince of leaves
"When we showed her the X-rated picture, your wife Huma said that she 'sees a bigger one at work every day'. What did she mean, exactly?"

Best of Vinneh
"Congressman, do you mind if we get a few photos of you...from the waist up"?

Best of metalgarth
Beavis longs for the days when he could buy a 'Metallica' T-shirt in peace.

Best of Spin
If rep. Weiner doesn't unclench his face will stay that way...

I can think of other uses for those paddles

Brender

The president of Russia races Formula One cars. The governor of Texas shoots coyotes while jogging. Our president hangs curtains and plays ping-pong. FML.


1. "Well, it ain't, um, golf, but hey, anything is better than dealing with the disastrous economy I created."

2. Nevertheless, I still say his presidency is up Sh-t Creek.

3."Why does Congressman Weiner need to 'suit up' for a ping pong match? What's he doing with that thong?"

4. Afterwards, President Obama offered Forrest Gump the position of "Ping Pong Czar."

5. "This game on mescaline is unbefreaakinglievable!"

Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner: JohnS1959
Rookie Secret Service Agent Rob Smith's career was cut short when temptation got the best of him moments after this photo was taken.

Threadwinner: dadoctah
"Nothin' better than smackin' white balls around!"

Best of blue
"Mr President, you are going to have to be much better if you are serious about challenging Wen Jiabao to the ping pong championship of the world!"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"That's better Mr president, now lets see how you do against an actual opponent."

Best of prince of leaves
It only took 79 takes before Mr. President managed to actually hit the ball, but the press was patient.

Best of Submariner
Heh, heh, quit joking around Mr. President. Put the paddle in your right hand and play for real.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Obama's plans to solve the middle east crisis hit a snag when he loses Israel's West Bank in a Ping Pong match. Best 2 out of 3?

Best of Dr. Doom
Ex Secret Service Agent in 3... 2... 1...

Friday, June 10, 2011

Inverse Squares


1. Ricky's belly has not been exposed to sunlight in a very long time.

2. Public School Sex Ed proves to be about as successful as Public School Math Instruction. Here, recent honor students demonstrate a 69.

3. Shaking the money out of their pockets while convincing them they're getting sex... typical women.

4. "Hey, from this angle, the Obama economy looks AWESOME!"

5. Day 1 of "Breakdancing Basics" at Whitebread Community College.

Best of blue
"How do these yahoo's expect to get laid, wearing 3 pairs of jeans and all......"

Best of dub
Where will you be when your irritable bowel syndrome kicks in?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The new FOX reality show "FETISHES" wasn't even a hit with the sick intercourses demographic.

Best of Matt the K
"Up next on Discovery Health, 'World's Most Unforunate Siamese Twins'"

Best of dadoctah
If They Mated: ABBA and Mummenschanz.

Best of sonicfrog
Whatever it is, yer doin' it wrong...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz


1. "And until, um, the one who, um, dropped the deuce in the urinal, um, holds his balls in shame, nobody is, um, leaving here."

2. Goofus is proud of destroying the American Economy, The Other Goofus holds his balls in shame.

3. Biden retreats to his happy place, which is pretty much anywhere he doesn't have to hold his balls in shame while Affirmative Action's Poster Child reads his lines off a Teleprompter.

4. While listening to Goofus brag about his economic policies, Biden checks on the progress of his Enzyte supplements and concludes neither is working as advertised.

5. As Bammy rambles on and on, Biden realizes the tingle down his leg is just incontinence.

Best of blue
"Dear Lord, how do I get him to dump me from the 2012 ticket without looking like a bigger jackass?'

Best of Robert
Biden thought bubbles: "...my balogna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R; ...my balogna has a second name, it's M-A-Y-E-R' ...so...tired...Just 18 more months... I hope these aren't the trousers with the hole in the seat - I hear some snickering back there. Or is it snoring?

Best of Spin
"I will not rest until that last remaining state has filed for bankruptcy.

Best of Dr. Doom
Realizing his administration had gone to the 'Blame Bush' well too often, the President changes tactics and begins his 'Blame Biden' campaign...

Best of Jack Reacher
"The entire national debt could be represented by a stack of bills this thick. That's assuming, of course, that they're twenty-billion dollar bills."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In closing, I just want to say... whoever stole my stash of weed from the Air Force One lounge had better hang his head and pray I don't find him, cause I'm gonna hurt him baaaad.

Best of Jay Guevara
Thought bubble: "Dear God, why did You see fit to make this miserable asshole President? Why??"

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Dub's Recurring Nightmare

Al
1. Rosie O'Donnell chases down Gary Coleman for an autograph, forgetting he's been dead for two years.

2. Granny's hog has done escaped from the Cement Pond, along with her manservant.

3. M'Chel takes her "Let's Move" campaign to rural Mississippi.

4. "Hey! Let's play Jumanji, you said. It'll be fun, you said!"

5. Why Kenyans always win the Boston marathon.

Best of blue
The Obama's out for an evening stroll

Best of Unscrupulous
Apparently shell has really bad gas.

Threadwinner: Son Of The Godfather
The Paul Revere story just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

Best of Submariner
Who'd have ever guessed that Mike al'Moore would get more than a step off the starting line in a marathon? (Of course they DID offer a 1 year pass to Golden Corral for the winner.)

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Come to Rwanda for the Running of the Hippos!
The African Tourist Bureau's attempt to ride the coattails of Pamplona's success gets off to a rather sad start.

Best of sonicfrog
ORA: "Did... You.. Get.. That Thing... I... Sent You??????

Best of GregMan
A young Barry Soetero suffers his first political setback after trying to socialize veterinary care.

Best of Matt the K
"Did you know when Coca Cola started out, it was actually made with cocaine?". "Sure, Gramps...I s'pose next you'll tell us 'Hungry Hungry Hippos' was originally a sporting event in Ghana."

Best of dadoctah
This ain't the Mayberry I remember.

Best of Adriane
You know, I may be just one of those culturally backward people who find Anthony Weiner's conduct objectionable, but Ang Lee's remake of Runaway Bride is just too damn edgy!!!

Best of Matt the K
"We know return to 'Roots III', starring Oprah Winfrey and Carl Lewis; brought to you by Shell"

Nature Sucks

Al


1. Scientists believe they have identified the species of ape Chicago politicians evolved from.

2. To MTV's surprise and delight,  it was possible to reach an even dumber demographic than the Jackass audience.

3. Monkey thoughtbubble: "This'll teach ya to compare me to Barack Obama.

4. Reincarnated Jack Kevorkian is still devoted to putting losers out of their misery.

5. "Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ..."

Best of mpur
Nature's way of saying "Stay inside, douche."

Best of dadoctah
In Soviet Russia, monkey spanks *you*!

Best of blue
Yet again, Acorn is caught intimidation voters

Best of Jack Reacher
Andy Breitbart's work to reform the mainstream media suffers a setback.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
OSTA: "Careful, Miri, it's a grup! Bonk bonk, on the head!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
You know it's going to be a bad day when monkey ninjas beat the sh!t out of you and swipe your wallet.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
David Attenborough whispers: Just as in the US, ghetto monkeys in Kenya work in gangs. One pretends he's been hit and when the stupid tourist stops to render aid, the others beat him and hijack his scooter.

Best of Dr. Doom
Dateline Kenya: The most interesting man in the world died today on the outskirts of Nairobi. He was attacked while attempting to harvest monkey urine for a controversial series of PETA commercials...

Best of Army of Dad
Planet of the Macaques

Best of Submariner
♫ Bang, bang, Maxwell's wooden mallet came down, on his head...♪

In Which I Lose All Respect For Natalie Portman

Make of this what you will.


Best of Dr. Doom
...which makes her the ideal mate for Bear Grylls...

Best of Unscrupulous
When I agreed to see Black Swan, I had no idea what I was getting into.

Best of mpur
That's ok, I'd rather shower in piss than see one of your movies.

Best of blue
Not a good entry for the wet tee shirt contest

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"And that's what you get for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th Star Wars movies... Give this cup to Lucas for me, will ya?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"My Queen Amidala! Surely that awful Master Anakin isn't worth this!" The lost footage from Revenge of the Sith did not please the geeks. Well, most of them, anyway.

Best of Steve O
Okay, hold still. I'll give it a try...

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Brokeback Roundball


1. Basketball season has been over for months, but jock fetish season is just getting started.

2. Bruce and Ricky enjoyed teaching Kindergarten sex ed, but worried that the kids might not catch all the finer points of homoerotic seduction.

3. Bobby Knight's personalized copy of the Kama Sutra.

4. "No, Kobe, I'm not open yet, but give me ten minutes."

5. Tonight, on a very special episode of Glee...

Best of Dr. Doom
Lamaze classes are now required for all potential expecting parents in San Francisco...

Best of dadoctah
Recasting Willis and Arnold as white was the *second* biggest surprise awaiting audiences for the new big-screen version of "Diff'rent Strokes".

Best of Spineless Vertebra
"Strangely enough, Jeff Garcia also asked me to do this for him. And he too asked me to keep it on the hush hush."

Best of prince of leaves
"Oh, hey, as long as we're here, Molly told me what you and my girlfriend Amy were doing out in the woods last weekend." [twist] [CRACK!!!]

Best of Submariner
So, Bruce; why do they call you "Lassie?"

Oh My Stars and Garters



1. "But Congressman Weiner, your press conference starts in five minutes! Breitbart can't stall them forever."

2. "That's very nice, but since Barney Frank no longer chairs the House Banking Committee, you'll have to apply for a mortgage the traditional way."

3. Coming this Fall, The All-New Love American Style, directed by Ang Lee.

4. "Justin Bieber had a Yard Sale."

5. Backstage at the Southern Baptist Family Values Summit.

Best of blue
Ray Bradbury Jr disappoints his dad's fans.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Western Union obviously got its wires crossed... the singing telegram meant for Bawney Fwank ended up in Hilary's office.

Best of dadoctah
It's official: Stan Lee has finally run out of ideas for new superheroes.

Best of Dr. Doom
The Safe Schools Czar makes a surprise visit to Principal Smith's office to review the state of corporal punishment at PS 135...

Best of MissC
Mitts with a bustier?????!!! Is he mad?

Best of champaignken
Saved by the Bell: the Transgender Years.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Please baby, just call me your chalk-faced whore one more time? Just for old-times sake?"

Best of prince of leaves
"Dr. Laura, I'm your biggest fan!"

Best of Submariner
Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Monday, June 06, 2011

Weiner and the Pussies

Big Government: (Dig the smug, excrement-consuming liberal grin.)


Best of Unscrupulous
Noooo, I'm one of those cool cat people.

Best of Dr. Doom
...Having not learned his lesson yet, Representative Weiner posts a picture of his pu$$y too...

Best of Adriane
None of this evil would have ever happened if Ceiling Cat hadn't fallen asleep!!!

Best of Whacko
"Yeah, I'm hitting that."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Tell me Clarise, do the lambs still scream?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
We can now say with certitude,
Weiner's a really creepy dude.

Best of Vinneh
That might be the only pussy Weiner is going to get close for a long time.

Best of Jack Reacher
"They're cute, huh? ACORN just registered them to vote, too."

Hell's Picnic

Brender

1. "Blood wine... blood pie... live eels in blood sauce... is this Klingon cooking or English?"

2. "Yeah, my next recipe is gonna be 'Chalk-Faced-Whore-With-a-Spoon-Jammed-Up-Her-Ass-Sideways-for-Mouthin'-Off-to-the-Queen-of-America."

3. (Chalk-Faced Whore) "Amber Lamps? Why on Earth would I need an Amber Lamp?"

4. "Nice loogie, Mrs. President."

5. "So, Mrs. Obama, was it your idea to plant industrial hemp in the White House garden, or was it Mr. 57 States?"

Best of blue
"..and for the vegans we just have pictures of Weiners!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"Yes ma'am", said Naomi, "We call it 'hope and change stew' and it is made with whatever ingredients the average formerly middle class family can scrape together from their pantry. This one is mostly cat food"...

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Salad, what be a salad?"
"Look M'Chel, I've told you before - you eat salad before the side of beef!"

Best of dub
Welcome to Old Navy, can I help you?

Best of prince of leaves
July 2015: seven years into the Greater Depression, National Recovery Administrator Michelle Obama enlists aid from North Korea to teach the nation the best grass and tree-bark recipes.

Best of MissC
M'chelle's sabotage is unclear: Will she spit into the zucchini medley or throw the lump crabmeat salad in there? Decisions...decisions...

Best of Jack Reacher
"When do you add the mayo? I know you people love mayo."

Best of mpur
Apparently, the Michellosaurus does not always spread open the round crests on its head before spitting a paralyzing secretion....

More Democrat Weiner

Ace


Which reminds me of...

Another Weiner Scandal



1. "Hm... the meat entree looks like something pale and small I saw on Twitter this week."

2. "So, this is what poor crackers who can't afford arugula and Wegyu eat. Thank you,  I'll barf it later."

3. "See, all of you crackers got jobs. I don't WTF everybody is bitching about."

4. "Hey, cafeteria lady, anybody ever tell you you look a lot like Katie Couric."

5. "McPatterson's is actually not so bad on the inside."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Someone else pays for it and someone else cleans up after me. Being president is...well, pretty much like the rest of my life."

Best of blue
"..and can I have a picture of that Weiner?"

Saturday, June 04, 2011

The Boy With Several Pairs of Pants


1. "There, this should foil the Safe School Czar's Pederastic advances."

2. Three-Pants-O laments his rejection letter from the Charles Xavier Academy.

3. "Dawn took me 'shopping' at Old Navy and showed me her trick for getting three pairs of jeans for the price of one."

4. Billy wanted to embrace the 'sagger' look but was too shy to reveal his SpongeBob squarepants boxers.

5. "What kind of a cruel mind-fck is this?" yelled an exasperated Barney Frank.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
John's mom knew it wasn't a chastity belt, but she figured it was just as affective.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Trojans? Oh gosh, I'm sorry Aunt Betty, I thought you said, "wear trijeans."

Threadwinner: blue
After yet another incident on the playground the principal instituted the "Goofus" dress code.

Best of prince of leaves
After just two semesters at UofM, Jimmy had changed his major from engineering to "White Urban Wannabe Studies", had changed his speech from that of an articulate Auburn Hills altarboy to a sneering Jersey patois, and had changed his wardrobe from khakis and polos to...this.

Best of mpur
Remember when a simple T-shirt with the word "Stupid" printed on it was enough?

Best of Dactyl
And Jimmy regrets taking that laxative in 3...2...1...

Best of Adriane
"Um yeah, I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else. Why do ask?"

Best of Matt the K
Try as he might, Bobby Gaga could never garner the same attention as his big sis.

Friday, June 03, 2011

Pistol Packin' Momma

The Brigade


1. M'Chel's worst nightmare, a chalk-faced whore with a gun.

2. "One last time: Get. The. Fck. Off. My. Lawn."

3. "I said, Does Marcellus Wallace look like a bitch?" Betty White's Pulp Fiction audition kicked ass, but Tarantino still went with Samuel L. Jackson.

4. After seeing the latest Mediscare ad, Granny was determined not to let Paul Ryan dump her over a cliff.

5. "No, I think you *will* take me to Country Kitchen Buffet for the 3:00 Early Bird Special."

Best of dadoctah
We all knew it was just a matter of time before Betty White finally snapped and took hostages.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
Seventy years later, Mindy Macready was still pumping gangsters full of lead like a hobby.

Best of Silhouette
"Go on. Don't let the mess stop you. Read that part of the will again about if I'm the only surviving heir."

Best of dadoctah
I have good news and bad news. The good news is: we know where da white women at.

Best of Matt the K
Little known fact: Orville Redenbacher was a straight-up killa.

Best of Submariner
OK, Mr. Bronkowitz; I'm ready for my screen test.

Best of mpur
Ethyl prepares for her mandatory meeting with the Death Panel.

Best of Vinneh
"I need sex and I need it now. Now which one of you monors are going to oblige me"?


Best of Adriane
You're right, a lot of men my age are shooting blanks ... but do I look like a man to you, punk?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Agnes nods at the body to her left... "Shirley didn't want to play Yahtzee. Anybody else wanna argue?"

Best of Dr. Doom
Granny getting ready for her walker-by at The Villages...

Several Monors Sent This...

but JK had the best description ... "Two of bin Laden's wives escaping before the raid."


1. After adjusting for local social mores, Renegade was huge hit in Islamic countries.

2. 'Ow to speak Muslim: 'Elopement.'

3. ACORN's Palestinian branch transports voters to the polls for Hamas.

4. "OK, Mohammed, my fly is undone and the Viagra is kicking in..., take a detour down that cobblestone street."

5. Prom Night in Islamabad.

Best of blue
Acmed wonders how his date will look in Hooters garb...

Best of Rodney Dill
"It's a two banger... Oh, the motorcycle? I don't know."

Best of Vinneh
When Abdul says he's going to get dates for his friends, he really delivers.

Best of Submariner
Sarah Jessica Parker makes her escape from the papparazi.

Best of Submariner
Red Crescent relief workers deliver aid and comfort to male Islamic disaster victims IYKWIMAISTYD...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Carpool lane in central Kabul.

Threadwinnuh Matt the K
"Islamabad Street" is brought to you by the letter double-ewe.

Best of mpur
Al-Jazeer's version of "Taxi Cab Confessions.

Best of mpur
Oh, crap, it's Chris Hanson.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Mohammed, when I told you to bring protection, I wasn't talking about the helmet."