Friday, April 29, 2011

Better Royal Wedding Picture




Best of Mr. Hankey
,,,and while you'e down there, make me a sandwich.

Best of blue
"But mummy said that I would not have to do this after we were married!"

Best of racerboy
ORA: "So that's how it is in their family..."

Best of prince of leaves
Now part of the family, Kate couldn't wait to get acquainted with the royal scepter and orbs.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Mum told me to relax and think of England. That's why I'm on my knees."

Best of metalgarth
ORA: "the royal penis is clean"

Best of mpur
The remake of "The Princess Bride" is a little edgier than the original.

Best of dadoctah
The only really disturbing thing about this picture is the queue forming at the lower left.

Best of sonicfrog
"Oh... Kate... I'm arriving... I'M ARRIVING!!!!"

Best of jj
...and when you're done there I've got some shirts that need ironing...

Best of Spineless Vertebra
"I hope next time we do this there isn't a peeping tom behind me."

Best of Vinneh
Dutches Kate soon becomes the first Royal Head Master.

Best of dub
Kate thought bubble: "Little does he know this is the last time this will ever happen."

Royal Whatchamajigger Free F'rall

1. "Check this out, I learned it from some cowboy lesbians."

Best of prince of leaves
"Figurehead monarchy my ass." Everyone else was all smiles on the big day, but the reincarnation of Richard III (left) was already plotting her bloody ascent to the throne.

Best of Jack Reacher
Little girl on left "Peasants. If they're driving a vehicle that gets 8 miles to the gallon, maybe it's time to trade it in."

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"I wonder how he'll take it when I tell him I'm preggers and Andy is the daddy!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
The scene right before Kate looks over the ledge and flashes her Ozzy salute.

Best of Vinneh
"Take this as a compliment, but dad said he'd love to be your tampon."

Best of Submariner
Little girl on left; "Will, you lying ba$tard! You said you'd wait for me..."

IDK WTF is Wrong With Comments

Something about the comments is screwed up as some of you have noted. The mechanism for reporting the problem to Blogger is equally screwed up. GRRRRR! Perhaps it is time to consider a relocation.

Something Science Fictiony for Friday


1. Nice of M'Chel's parents to drop by the White House.

2. "There's a problem with the defense grid. Every time I try to fire a weapon, it jumps to a page asking me to sign up for Google."

3. G'Kar's use of an old Earth pick-up line, "Do I make you horny baby?" misfires badly.

4. "I can't believe the Episcopals rejected us for the ministry. If only we were gay or something."

5. "Told you it was easy to crash a state dinner as long as you looked foreign."

Best of mpur
Delenn's thought bubble: "Man, I wish I was some crazy French chick stranded on an island..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Fnerg's age spots continue to worsen but as you can see in this unretouched photo of Znerg's head, Olay's Spot-b-Gone cream really works! Call today for a free sample.

Threadwinner: dub
....and this is my husband, Captain SugarSmacksHead.

Best of Mr. Hankey
We're hear to return these really cool Bose headphones that...uh...don't fit my wife's freaked out ears.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Next week Trump gets Michelle to show us her birth certificate with unusual results.

Better Threadwinner: prince of leaves
B5ORA: G'Kar is a little put off by Delenn's blunt refusal to eat his spoo.

Best of Spin
Does all Babylonian pr0n start the same way?

Best of Vinneh
Tareq and Michaele Salahi crash the state dinner at Star Fleet Headquarters.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Ha Ha, Look at the Little Crackers


1. "Exactly! Bow down and worship your mahogany god, crackers!"

2. The children marveled, not only had the president stepped in the cowpie with both feet, he was laughing about it.

3. "Oh, I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing at the two dykes who dragged that little boy into the killing field."

4. "I got your Easter message right here, crackers. 'La-il-la-ha-illa-Allah!'"


5. Kids: "We need an adult... to run our country!"

Best of HLam
    "You see, when I drop my shoulder and keep my leg bent I swing through the ball a lot better. I don't get that nasty slice like I did before."

Best of dub
    Thanks for making me a birth certificate kids.

Best of Cricket
    "Kids, I really wish I could help you. Michelle is really strict about her dietary needs. Just hope she changes her mind."

Best of Jack Reacher
    "Honey, I shrunk Chris Matthews and Rachel Maddow."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Suzy, I'll bet we haven't found any eggs because his wife came out here before dawn and ate them all.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
    No, No, Children - I will bow to you!

Best of Mr. Hankey
    What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this?

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
    Hee-Hee! That's right Tommy! By the time you and Suzy reach puberty, your share of the national debt will be over half a million bucks!

Best of Submariner
    >snicker<
    Sorry I stepped on your Easter chick.
    >snicker<

Best of prince of leaves
    Having found their Spring Spheres, grateful Pioneers respectfully offer them up to Dear Leader.

Best of mpur
    No, seriously. Michelle's gone, just gimme my smokes back.

Best of Dactyl
    Johnny and Sally entertain the president with their live version of the 'two girls and a cup' video.

Best of Blue
    "Hey kids - want to hear a good one ? U K L Lee - ha, ha, ha......"

Best of Vinneh
    "Mister President, can you tell us if we are facing Mecca"?

Best of Mr. Hankey
    Those Brits can have their party...we're going to have our own WEEDING!!

Best of racerboy
    ORA: When my people come to colonize this planet, you will be on the protected rolls, and no harm will come to you.

And He Huffed, And He Puffed... Well, Actually He Just Huffed.

Schneider



1. Some guys should not even attempt the "Why So Serious" Joker Look.

2. The Obama economic advisor explained away his paint huffing, blaming the pressures of his job and the need to "kill enough brain cells to make our economic policies make some kind of sense."

3.Daniel Radcliffe's fall from stardom was even more spectacular than George Eads's.

4. Though the evidence was overwhelming, a complacent press kept the Obama Admin's "Lewinsky scandal" carefully hidden from the public.

5. These new Krylon ads are really edgy!

Best of Dr. Doom
    Bruce works as the Tin Man's fluffer on the pr0n parody of the Wizard of Oz. You can really tell when a guy loves his work...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Assassination by mercury in an exploding cigar - FAIL, but still funny

Best of USMC2841
    Sorry Scarecrow the Tin Man needs a heart and a brain.

Best of Silhouette
    Soylent Silver is people! Old people, but still people.

Best of jj
    Interviews to replace the fired Air Traffic Controllers have begun.

Best of Jack Reacher
    "Hello, I'd like to talk to you about an exciting investment opportunity--silver bullion."

Best of sonicfrog
    Dammit V the K... I didn't want to see any Harry Potter spoilers!

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
    In Ang Lee's live action version of "Futurama," Frye and Bender are more than just friends.

Best of prince of leaves
    On "Mythbusters"' most controversial episode yet, 32-year-old Bostonian Matt Arlington demonstrates it is indeed possible to suck the chrome off of a bumper.

Best of Dactyl
    A programming error left the T-125 terminator unable to properly blend in with humans, and it quickly became obsolete.

    [Following Vinney, Chronos and others, there's a 'come with me if you want to live' joke in here somewhere. Anyone see it?]

Best of Submariner
    No, you fool.
    I said come WITH me if you want to live, not cum ON me...

Best of Steve O
    WTF? They didn't have any purple or gold paint?
    Was the BEIGE paint THAT much more expensive?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

"My Moms Can Beat Up ... Everybody..."

Van Helsing


1. "Caught one! Let's cut its d--- off!"

2. Flashback 1984: The East German Dwarf Tossing Team practices for the LA Olympic Games. Alas, their chance for the gold was not to be.

3. Deeming Billy's lack of interest in Barbie dolls "An affront to the sisterhood," Belinda and Aunt Jean dislocated his arms.

4. Soon, his broken, emasculated body would be found in the barren field... like all the other victims.

5. "Our Lord Satan will be most pleased with this one. Quick, let's get him on the altar."

Best of Passionate Conservative
Sure Aunt Butch, I'll go along. One question...what's a sybian?

Best of Submariner
When did k.d. lang start dating John Goodman?

Best of dadoctah
♫ Come and knock on our door.
We've been waiting for you,
Where the kisses are
Hers and Hers and His.
Three's Company too! ♪♪

Best of Matt the K
Oddly, Marge and Stella were oblivious to the irony of naming their son Butch.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Prequel to Planet Earth - A young John Saxon awakens from suspended animation and is unfazed to learn he'll be made a dink. However, when he matures several years later he had a slightly different reaction- YOU WANT TO DO WHAT TO MY WHAT?

Best of Jack Reacher
There's a reason they submitted the lowest bid for the land mine removal contract.

Best of blue
Chaz Bono and her clone take Chasity Jr out for a walk.

"Don't look, but our trash bags are following us."

Brender


1. "N0, ma, they ain't Moozlims, they're fat chicks that dub ordered to cover up their belly flab."

2. ORA: The Cirinist occupation of Palm Beach County was oppressive, but less brutal than in other places.

3. Two elderly San Francisco liberals and their progressively-minded daughters await their bus... also death.

4. Old liberal: "I love hearing foreign tongues spoken in this city, it makes me feel like a citizen of the world!" Lady in purple (in Arabic): "Inshallah, come the Caliphate, these two will be the first to be beheaded."

5. Esther discreetly reached inside her handbag for the pound of bacon she kept on hand... just in case.

Best of dadoctah
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In 2011: Gladys and Tyrone are joined by a pair of new running characters.

Best of USMC2841
Gotta admit It's better than that asshole that kept going on about life and boxes of chocolate. What a freak.

Best of dadoctah
ObTuesday: Dennis and Jeff liked nothing better than slipping into face-concealing outfits and going down to the park to frighten the tourists.

Best of mpur
Old guy thought bubble "Damn ninjas are everywhere, can't even wait on a bus without them showing up."

Best of metalgarth
Yes, this bus will go to Mecca, but only after 10,000 transfers.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Awaiting the bus to Guantanamo Bay on conjugal visit day.

Best of dub
The new mascots for the Arab version of BooBerry and Count Chocula cereals were later deemed "too sexy" based on their racy footwear.

Best of prince of leaves
Vorlons on vacation like to dispense with the bulky encounter suits for something more comfortable.

Best of Spin
ALLAH ACBAR, ha ha made you look... and pee... and what's that smell?

Best of Matt The K
Another awkward family reunion: G.I. Joe's folks never did warm up to his marriage to Cobra Commander's sister.

Best of Submariner
Where will you be when your laxative kicks in. And will the people next to you act like they don't notice?

Monday, April 25, 2011

The Dudfather

Sondra K


1. "What's with the Afterglow, Mr. President, did you just give Chris Matthews another 'interview?'"

2. "Mr. President, I know you are new to Chicago 'politics,' but do you really mean for us to 'whack off' Donald Trump?"

3. "Geez, we're sorry the waitress carded you, Mr. President, but she was just doing her job. Do you always get this pissy when someone asks for proof of ID?"

4. "We should have gone to that place with all that goofy sh-t all over the walls... you know, 'Shenanigans.'"

5. "So, let me get this straight: Pelosi bit you in the neck, and now you have to avoid direct sunlight?"

Best of HLam
Hey, sorry Mr. Prez., but it's not my fault M'chel's ass is too big to fit into the chair.

Best of parody of YouTube video
My Furher, the Allies have us surrounded here, here, and here....

Best of dub
First of all, thank you for reserving a room with double doors so that M'chelle can join us....

Best of Shayne
Nobody puts Barry in a corner!

Best of Jack Reacher
"I think we can get this budget done for the $3.3 trillion you're offering. Just let me run it by my manager for his signature."

Best of Dr. Doom
By order of the First Lady, all White House backroom deals are now conducted in a completely smoke free environment...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sorry, we've done all we can, Sir. VtheK says the vote was:
Lesbian Tuesday...29,487,116
Gheyboi Tuesday..............3

Best of GregMan
"Leave a horse's head in his bed. Anyone know where Sara Jessica Parker is?"

Best of Mr. Hankey
The three men turn and look, and sure enough Biden came out of the toilet with just his d*ck in his hands. Sonny would have been p*ssed...

Best of Vinneh
Looks like Obama is sitting at the "loser table" at the Royal Wedding.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"So, what you're saying is that I won't get a solid B+ on my next report card?"

Two People Who Have Never Been in My Kitchen

Al


1. "Kali-ma! Kali-ma!"

2. The horrible specter of death comes for Nancy.

3. "Psst, Nancy... why are you wearing Hillary's ben-wa balls around your neck?"

4. INVISIBLE DANGLING STRING!

5. Some people just never get the knack of the Royal Wave.

Best of Submariner
OJA:
"...with the help of almighty Gaia and this good hand, I managed to get all the entrails back inside!"

Best of GregMan
For his next trick, Harry the Magician and his lovely assistant Nan will make the budget deficit of the federal government magically double in size.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Oh! Oh! Mr. Kotter!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Sixty years later, Harry Potter and Hermione still won't shut up up about how they saved the world from Voldemort.

Best of Mr. Hankey
The Captain & Tennille reunion tour annoucement seemed deceptively evil this time around.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Darn, almost! Next time that fly buzzes her, I'm gonna catch and eat it.

Best of any mouse
"Marklar will never raise Marklar again! Marlar here might do Marklar, but Marklar will Marklar!"

Best of Submariner
American Gothic, Soho Edition.

Best of Steve O
"And now, I shall reach over and touch the left breast of the beast.

Best of MissC
Not only have they never been in your kitchen, I seriously doubt they have been in their own, or know what one looks like. They just assume that all food is a ritual sacrifice.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"There's too many microphones up here. Where is that young Gavin Newsom at?"

Best of Mr. Hankey
As the chairman of the Welcoming Committee, it is my privilege to extend a laurel, and hearty handshake to our new ...n****r....I mean President!

Threadwinner: blue
Riff Raff and Magneta saying goodbye...

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Another Twisted Sister

Al



Best of Rodney Dill
Transporter's broke again Captain.

Best of blue
Blond, double jointed, and naked is no way to go through life young lady...umm wait a minute, yes it is!

Best of Submariner
...and I carried her to the Prom like a six pack!


Best of Double the U
Yea, so how is that sandwich coming along?

Best of arf
The Nobel Committee tries to justify Obama's Nobel Peace Prize.

Best of Cricket
Lady Gaga's rectal/cranial inversion reversal went horribly wrong.

Threadwinnuh prince of leaves
Sure, the units at the Stepford Factory Outlet have some minor defects, but they are typically available for half-off.

Best of Dactyl
Britney Spears finally pulls her head out of her ass...

Best of CW
"Oh no! I've got gas!"

Best of dadoctah
V the K's Caption This: bending over backwards to entertain you!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
IKEA's pricey, limited edition bookends literally flew off the shelves... when they sneezed.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Are you sure this is the pose all of the Miss USA contestants use Mr. Trump", asked Shayla?

Best of Vinneh
Sally was amazed there wasn't one queefing comment to her pose---until now.

Best of Steve O
In another feelgood story, Samantha overcomes a lifetime of childhood sexual abuse to achieve porn stardom.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Somewhere a Circus Is Missing Its Freak Show

2xU

1. Conan finds he just can't get the best guests since switching to basic cable.

2. I'm not sure which Obama policy this could be a metaphor for, because there are oh-so-many possibilities.

3. Repeat Caption 1. Substitute "Howard Stern" for "Conan" and "Satellite Radio" for "basic cable."

4. Worst part about being a kid in the Massachusetts Public Schools: When your teacher shows you slides of her Spring Break in Key West.

5. Ellen DeGenerate held auditions for her entourage this week.

Best of Submariner
When did Danny Devito get confined to a wheel chair?

Best of Adriane
Whether it was Ang Lee's vision for Ben Hur ... or the only way to secure Gavin Newsom's permission to film in SF ... nobody was ever really sure ...

Best of Dr. Doom
This touching scene most likely took place in which of the following? (Choose the best answer):
a. In front of the Reichstag in Berlin ca. 1939
b. Downtown Tehran
c. Outside of the Obama 2012 Campaign HQ in Haight-Ashbury
d. Salt Lake City, Utah

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Despite the unflagging efforts of liberal's to fight job discrimination, retarded handicapped trangendered punk dwarfs complain they still can't get jobs at Wal-Mart or McDonald's.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
"The Midget Goth-Slayer" proved to be FX's undoing.

Best of Army of Dad
Man, Vern Troyer and Justin Beiber have really let themselves go.

Threadwinner Submariner
♪We represent,
the S&M League,
the S&M League,
the S&M League.
And since we represent the S&M Leeeeeeeague;
We wish to f#(k you first in Munchkin Land. ♫

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
squeaky british accent
"Walkies! Walkies!"
ORA B.Woodhouse

Best of mpur
Just thank God it's not a petting zoo.

Best of Double the U
Between his disability check, her job at the coffee shop, and the people that paid to see their fetish videos, the couple did quite well.

Introducing... Army of Grandma

2XU

1. "See! See! I told you the sick intercourse should never have been allowed to adopt children," huffed the perpetually angry liberal hater.

2. "Well, you see, gramma, there's this thing in 4Chan called Rule 34..."

3. Barney Frank's mom likes 'em young and hairless, too.

4. Billy came to regret asking grandma if there were "anything" he could do to make her feel better about the cancellation of All My Children.

5. "Nope. Not working granny. I'm still gay."

Best of HLam
Now grandma, in Backyard Smackdown, this is called a PileDriver...

Best of metalgarth
Her: "Be careful, I have acute angina"
Him: "Well, I should hope so cause, yer boobs are ugly as hell"

Best of Jack Reacher
Never before has the Snuggle bear wished for immediate blindness.

Best of MissC
The backyard version of 'Harold and Maude' began auditioning today...

Best of divine miss m
Grandma always gives it up for the touch of the younger kind.

Best of Kaptain Krude
♫♫♪ And Iiiiiii-yee-iiiii will always love you-yee-ewwwwwww ♫♫♪
The Bodyguard 2, by Ang Lee. In theaters soon.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I'm sorry, but I've finally heard back from Ray Bradbury, and he's accepted my offer."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Segment deleted from the movie "Weird Science": To get a date for the prom, Gary drops a nude photo of a hot babe in the magic pot and makes a wish without noticing a Dentu-Creme ad on the backside of the magazine page.

Best of prince of leaves
The other "love that dared not speak its name" could nonetheless be communicated in long letters filled with elegant cursive writing.

Best of GregMan
"Um, well, OK Timmy, you don't have to get off my lawn."

Best of Submariner
With Barry Williams becoming arthritic, Florence Henderson goes after a new young stud.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
For the sake of morality, I hope he has what Benjamin Button had.

Best of jj
Sans botox, Nancy Pelosi campaigns to future voting blocks.

Best of Mr Hankey
When I told my parents that I got a gum job, they thought I was working for Wrigley's

Best of dadoctah
Historians will look on this as the exact moment that Betty White-mania peaked.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Is that a tail or part of a stillsuit?

Brender


1. Darth Metro found his Sith Lord duties seldom left time for a proper mani-pedi.

2. The role of the queen in tonight's performance of Aliens: The Musical will be played by ...

3. Jeri Ryan hated the constant 7 of 9 costume changes and vowed that, somehow, America would pay!

4. Can I have about 280 of those backbones shipped to the Republicans in Congress before the next budget fight?

5. ORA (perhaps?): Love... L-O-V-E... LOVE... the Verminator's new look.

Best of Vinneh
Burkas of the 22nd century.

Best of USMC2841
Yeah, Pretty much every super model's got something up her ass.

Best of dub
The Obama Upper Middle Class Suit. Now we can all know what it feels like to have Obama fuck you in the ass every chance he gets.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
Maybe if you would've shown more cleavage, you wouldn't have been a Mortal Kombat reject.

Threadwinner: prince of leaves
ORA: Someone just had to go and crossbreed a Jaffa with a cluster lizard, didn't they?

Best of Spin
A contest to name the newest cast member on "The Tick"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Let's see Ray Bradbury turn me down now!"

Best of Army of Dad
How to tell that this fashion designer is a sci-fi fan from Sydney...

Best of Rodney Dill
Lady Gaga's appearing on Glee Club again?

Best of dadoctah
Her reality show canceled, Kate Gosselin just keeps getting further and further from the rest of the world.

Best of Army of Mom
What crawled up her ass ... oh wait, I see it now.

Hot Flashes

Brender


1. Art Carlson would later swear to God he thought turkeys could survive being fired out of a cannon.

2. "Now, we'll see if cats always land on their feet."

3. Having long run out of actual myths to bust, Adam and Jamie now just blow sh-t up for the hell of it.

4. "Do you think the smelly hookers will notice we don't have an actual ship?"

5. "Aw, man, I knew I should have cleaned the grease out of the grill before barbecue season."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
As the honor guard stood with heads bowed, Senator Burffelson blasted another billion dollars into their component atoms.

Best of Submariner
We call it "The Mouth Of Durbin." It draws media attention, it creates a lot of noise, and it accomplishes nothing.

Best of Jack Reacher
Apparently mounting Dawn's head firmly to the ground limited the mess.

Best of Vinneh
A vindictive General Beauregard fumed, "That will teach those damn yankees for leaving a flaming bag of dog poop on my front porch."

Best of Dr. Doom
In other news Presidential Spokesman, Bob "Jolly" Rogers, demonstrates the Obama Administration's new foreign policy campaign entitled, Ready, Fire, Aim,...

Best of dub
Most appropriate Taco Bell advertising ever.

Best of racerboy
Dad's cooking chili for dinner - guess we'd better put the TP in the freezer again...

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
With Obama's cancellation of the space shuttle program, NASA tests new methods for re-supplying the space station.

Best of Whacko
The Lybian rebels are very proud of the new uniforms and up-to-date artillery weapons supplied by the UN.

Best of Dactyl
Civil War reenactments are a common and popular hobby for many Americans. 'Michael Moore Farts' reenactments are not.

Best of Dr. Doom
"If you think that was good", shouted Bob, "Come over here and pull my finger"!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Ha Ha

Al
1. Ripped from Subbeh: "Is that a Louisville Slugger in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

2. "Pinky dick! Pinky dick! Ump's got a pinky dick!"

3. "Well, you're no Enrico Palazzo, that's for sure!"

4. "If you lube it, they will come."

5. "Dude, the crease in your pants is razor sharp! Have you ever thought of running for president?"

Best of Vinneh
The excessive use of steroids has made ballplayers marvel at a set of normal testicles.

Best of Submariner
Foul Balls! Foul Balls!

Best of dadoctah
"Aiieee!!! Gojira!!!"

Best of sonicfrog
"Look... acknowledging that my penis is so massively huge will not persuade me to change the called strike... But thank you for noticing!"

Best of jj
you've got two balls on ya...

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Right there!!! That's where I saw that gay Asian cowboy's head!! Right There!!!"

Best of prince of leaves
"Damn Stepford Mk.7 Referees, always having to push their reset buttons to unfreeze them..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"That mans nuts!... Grab 'em!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"Now I see why your wife always wants to go 'extra innings' in the bullpen Blue", said Roger.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Baseball gambling reaches epidemic levels when players start betting on which hand the ump hides his chaw.

Happy Birthday George Takei

His birthday is actually tomorrow.


1. "Welcome to the KY Corral... pahdnuh..."

2. No matter how many cowboys he had to sleep with, Chang vowed he would not remain a coolie forever.

3. And one day Mr. Sulu was goofing around with the Guardian of Forever, went back in time, molested his own great-great-great grandfather, and zapped himself right out of the timeline.

4. The town of Rock Ridge was getting a little tired of being the governor's affirmative action test case.

5. Back in Idaho, Larry Craig enjoyed his retirement, spending time with his Lhasa Apso and his loyal houseboy, Ling-Hua.

Best of blue
Chang was more than ready for his audition for the part of Hop Sing in the remake of Bonanza.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Oh...when you said "lets saddle up" I thought you meant we were going to ride horses!

Best of any mouse
"Shatner & Nimoy are both over 80 (really)while I still have the body of a 18 year old boy ..... come here boy!"

Best of kg
Inflatable Cowboys now available in Asian.

Best of Vinneh
When he told his clients he was hung he was talking about his name.

Best of metalgarth
"cleanest laundry west of the Pecos"

Best of dub
Chang "The Tsunami Kid" Chong would soon prove to be more popular than Peter North.

Best of Kevin
Army of Mom, time for your riding lesson.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Certified Old Dude


1. "So, Grampa, which Soylent Green Plant did the Death Panel assign you to?"

2. "And so we're married. Thank you, Massachusetts legislature!"

3. "Some guy named Waldo tried to touch me in the girls room. I beat the piss out of him and took his shirt. How was your day?"

4. (Grandpa:) "Thanks to your big mouth, I have to check in with the police once a month, you batty little snitch."

5. "Well, I guess you are mine after all. Paternity tests don't lie. Thanks, Maury."

Best of dadoctah
Hef still makes a point of personally reviewing all the applications for prospective Playmates.

Best of GregMan
"I'd tell those kids to get off my lawn, if I could remember where it was."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Illegal anchor babies get citizenship automatically, and 10 to 15 million illegals will get blanket amnesty soon. Want to draw stick figures on this worthless piece of paper little girl?

Threadwinner: Jack Reacher
ORA: Mr. Herbert registers his Spooner St. address with the authorities.

Best of Matt the K
According to the USGS, Larry King is now officially literally 'older than dirt', and he has the paperwork to prove it.

Best of HLam
The waving flag brought back memories of VE Day, 1945, causing Edwin to pick up the young fraulein and ram his toungue down her throat.

Best of blue
"Grandpa, tell me again about the 60s when you would protest the war by burning your draft card."

Best of Jack Reacher
Phil was pleased he received official approval to hike his pants to his nipples.

Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner: Spin
Brigham, is our marriage certificate good everywhere or just Utah?

And Then Dawn's Head Exploded Before Anybody even said anything

Al

1. "Save some room for the ribs and watermelon, Mr. President."

2. "Are those collard greens in the bowl or did you barf something up?"

3. "Holy Sh-t, I can see right through his earholes!" thought Sharpton.

4. "Al, this evening will go down a lot smoother if you just accept, right now, that there are a lot of things we won't be telling M'Chel about IYKWIMAITTYD."

5. "Soylent Green is made out of bitter clingers."

Best of Vinneh
"Oh sommelier! Can you recommend a good wine to go with ribs, collared greens,and mac and cheese"?

Best of Double the U
I think I have a case that will work... I will make up a story about Michelle being raped by the entire Republican controlled congress and then assaulted with a gavel. The media will be on our side as usual and Boehner will just start crying as soon as the story breaks. We got them crackers this time.

Best of USMC2841
"How the hell do you eat chicken like that and claim to be half white. Oh, and save some grease for my hair."

Best of dadoctah
"What's the matter, Al? You haven't even touched your arugula."

Best of jj
Hey Barry, why is it that you eat a whole slab of ribs and stay slim, yet M'chelle eats one bone and it goes right to her ass?

Best of Jay Guevara
Sharpton thought bubble: "Now if I could just get me a Colt .45 tallboy to wash this down."

Best of MissC
Obama: "We never had ribs like this in Kenya!"
Sharpton: "That's because it is fried chicken."

Best of prince of leaves
Moments into the last piece of chicken, Obama notices -- too late -- that Sharpton hasn't touched any of his food.

Threadwinner: Jack Reacher
"Is the chicken not fresh, Mr. President? Say the word, and I can have this place burned down."

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "Why in THE hell did I pick Batchelor Number One?"

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Now That's What I Call Product Placement

Schneider

C'Mon Monors, Make Dawn's Head Explode

And if you offend those bitter socialist jerkwads at The Blog That Hates My Guts(TM), so much the better.



Best of prince of leaves
Remember: don't give baby rabbits, chicks, or Troll toys as Easter gifts, unless you're prepared to care for them as they grow up.

Best of pr
The unusually powerful tornadoes which ripped through the midwest on Saturday were accompanied by freakishly strong electrical storms.

Best of Jack Reacher
Everyone who reads the FY2011 budget has that reaction, kids.

Best of dadoctah
"It's a deconstructive conceptual piece. You're asked to imagine a world where there was no Spanky, no Alfalfa...just three Buckwheats."


Best of jimmy
Happy child on right: "Says here that BP is some huge foreign company who dumped millions of barrels of money into President Obama's 2008 campaign, and as a thank you, his administration allowed BP to bypass routine inspections. It's enough to make your hair stand on end!"

Best of Submariner
Evolution: We present, you decide.

Best of Dactyl
Are they all named Dawn? Because it looks like their heads already exploded.

Best of metalgarth
"Says here that 'big pharm' has been lacing shampoo sold in the ghetto with expired viagra"

Best of Vinneh
At an early age Buckwheat and his siblings were into enviromental issues.

Best of Rodney Dill
Your hair would look that too after watching Kirstie Alley on Dancing With the Stars.

Best of Jay Guevara
Thought bubble over kid reading: "That Donald Trump's hair looks ridiculous."

Best of Spineless Vertebra
So.. bedhead's contagious. Who knew.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Dangitall, Quaneesha, I told you not to let dem kids watch dat whole Freddy Kruger marathon wit you!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Orange Spacemen


1. "I swear to Gaia, if you say 'I wanna be the first man on Uranus' one more time, I'm popping your helmet."

2. Their last thoughts before dying on the Martian surface, "Chucks are no substitute... for... space... boots."

3. "OK, since Number 2 just had his face bitten off, I'm guessing those aliens are not friendly. Good command decision sending him in first, though."

4. "Check it out. That Mike Teevee kid just obliterated himself. "

5. "Well, I say f--k the little yellow bastards and f--k their nuclear power plant!"

Best of dadoctah
"Did I tell you I got an audition to play Bela Lugosi in a movie about Ed Wood? I smell Oscar!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"The moon rover just ate number 6, we're never breakin' outta here."

Best of prince of leaves
"My God! It's full of tangerines!"

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: The sub-miniaturized crew of the Proteus II, injected into an ailing Joe Biden, come to the realization that his cranio-rectal inversion is beyond their abilities to repair.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Dave, I don't see how this whole space exploration thing is furthering our main mission--Muslim outreach."

Best of Vinney
To fund future space programs NASA like many states thought slot machines would generate the needed revenue.

Best of Matt the K
"Can't...breathe!!!...Oxygen...replenisher...made...of...card...board!!!"

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
In an effort to make space travel more Muslim-friendly, new NASA suits are equipped with an Automated Chest Harness Mounted Esspresso Dispenser, or ACHMED for short.

Best of Passionate Conservative
This is what happens when you let the University of Texas grads run your space program, Ogabe.

Best of metalgarth
Alternate future #2635: After the third global thermo-nuclear war, Chester Cheetah became something of a god like to figure to the survivors.

Best of Adriane
"My God, Sir! We've found it!!!"
'The alien queen brood chamber?'
"No! the tanning salon that John Kerry and Charlie Crist used."

Best of MissC
Sesame Street version of 'Serenity' was brought to you by the numbers 1 and 3.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Well Commander Smith", said Lieutenant Jones, "After seeing the size of that alien probe, I'm glad I don't have the number one on my life support pack"

Friday, April 15, 2011

Despite all my rage, et c...


1. "Joey, have you ever seen a grown man with an athletic equipment fetish?"

2. On the weekends, Ricky liked to go to the ICE High-Security Border fence and taunt the Messicans.

3. A young Pete Rose asks the catcher if he can get a little help beating the spread.

4."You be strong, you survive... You stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you!"

5. "They put me in here 'cos I gnawed a little kid's face off. Come closer, let me show you."

Best of blue
"Avenge me!!!!" Nope the remake of Red Dawn just doesn't cut it.....

Best of Matt the K
Hallmark's version of 'Midnight Express' was somewhat toned down from the original.

Best of Submariner
Come around the fence Joey, and I'll show you how to squat down and catch balls...

Best of Spin
A younger Ashton Kutcher begs to be let out of Demi's love slave camp.

Best of Jack Reacher
"So; this is a Turkish prison. Huh."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"'Well, Billy,' Ashton explained, 'The padding is so I don't hurt myself when I walk into open doors, and the chain link fence is to make sure I don't make any more movies.'" The Ashton Kutcher Pavillion was one of the more popular interactive exhibits at the Cincinatti Zoo.

Chalk-Faced Whore Friday


1. If Spike really was a channel for men, there'd be a lot more of this, and a lot less CSI.

2. Casual Fridays were soon ended at the Public Defender's Office.

3. Fat Girl Prison was, oddly enough, the most frequently viewed pr0n site in dub's bookmarks.

4. Hollywood's version of a typical prison guard is about as realistic as its portrayal of a typical Christian conservative.

5. The Georgia State Prison now has an entire wing dedicated to Special Ed. teachers who can't keep their hands off the eighth graders.

Best of Vinney
For some reason at The Las Vegas Correctional Facility flagellation was not considered cruel and unusual punishment.

Best of mpur
2011 Miss Dept of Corrections runner-up Misty Twought.

Best of dub
A 10? What kind of bell curve are they grading her on??

Best of metalgarth
Did you expect Samuel L. Bronkowitz's home life to be any different?

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Just another 32 steps, and I can untuck... just another 31 steps and I can untuck... just another 30 steps and I can untuck... Actually, this isn't all that bad... just another 29 steps and I'll think about untucking..."

Best of Spin
Maria wondered why she was handcuffed to an open jail cell.

Best of dadoctah
One thing you can say about inmate Dennis Kowalski: he knew how to work the system!

Best of jj
Visiting day for Lindsay Lohan?

Best of Submariner
Like or not, dub, I'm here for your conjugal visit.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

Brender


1. "Ask me again if I need a man?"

2. Rosie O'Donnell moved in on Portia di Rossi pretty quick after things with Ellen went south.

3. Fortunately, Lizzie was a little slow and was just happy to finally have a pony.

4. Even Enumclaw has its lesbian power couples.

5. Socialism: You have two cows, the Government kills them and redistributes the meat to your neighbors. Communism: You have two cows, the Government shoots you and takes your cows. Capitalism you have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull. Obamunism, you technically can keep the cows, but 14 different regulatory agencies will dictate what you do with them and for some reason GE gets all the milk. Fetishism, you have two cows. Two happy, happy cows.

Best of Double the U
Oh gawd, what is Megan McCain doing for attention now?

Best of blue
"..and President Obama said that if I voted for him in 2012 Bossy & I could get married in 2013!"

Best of dadoctah
Later, tragedy struck when it turned out Debbie was lactose intolerant.

wv: diddl. Seriously, captcha?

Best of Spin
Sissy Hankshaw hides her thumbs so no one will see the cause of Bossie's smile

Best of Kaptain Krude
Wow, Meghan McCain is kind of cute in this picture... almost as cute as her blonde friend.

Best of Rodney Dill
Who says women can't hold their likker?

Best of VInney
Does Ron Jeremy realize how ridiculous he looks?

Best of Mr. Hankey
Drew Barrymore finally finds a man who can keep up with her.

Best of dub
Shelly wins first prize at the Enumclaw State Fair for being the best at milking her bull.

Best of Jack Reacher
They may not be the most effective air traffic controllers, but at least they sleep standing up.

Higher Education at SUNY

Moonbattery


1. The planned menage-a-trois broke down in an acrimonious discussion over who was most hideous.

2. "Dig it, when do we get to off some pigs, Professor Ayers?"

3. Privately, Captain Picard was disappointed at the quality of recruits since Starfleet Academy had abandoned placement testing.

4. "Besides 'Condos,' what are some other forms of birth control approved by Planned Parenthood."

5. "We were told there would be Free Weed here."

Best of USMC2841
I will not screw her in a paper hat. I will not screw something that fat. Dr. Seuss appreciation course now offered at Berkeley.

Best of Submariner
V da K gives instructions to this weeks "Best Of" selection committee.

Best of Submariner
We've ALREADY signed up with the Ron Paul campaign...

Best of Mr. Hankey
...to share with us their experiences in what tea-bagging really means are ...

Best of Mr. Hankey
..and for today's "Show & Tell", Kyle and Julie will show us how "Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada" control their brains when they dress themselves every morning.

Best of dub
For the last time, NO, you can NOT get syphilis from sticking your pecker in an ivy bush.
By the way, where's Frank?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In one of his last public lectures, Steve Jobs unveils his latest invention to inquisitive nerdlings - the much anticipated edible iPod Dinner Roll.

Best of JohnS1959
Professor Jones' Keynesian Economics class at NYU ensures that graduates in fact do know SQUAT

Best of Jack Reacher
"...and so your assignment is to each take a bite of this roll, and try to guess where it's been. Begin."

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Buck Fush



Best of USMC2841
I can't believe we duped the HOA into planting chlamydia at the subdivision entrance.

Best of Mr. Hankey
...and while the bush grew from the fertized decay of his dead wife's remains, Kyle was moved to continue his celebration of their vows by...

...I know I'm sick..

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
When Danny's fungus infection didn't respond to Cruex, the doctor decided to give a spray of Roundup a try.

Best of Matt the K
I've heard of bushwackers, but really???!!!

Best of Dactyl
And this is me *before* my laser hair removal. Boy, was that embarrassing.

Best of Submariner
Fred was confused by the judge granting him "Weekly conjugal visits in the garden."

Threadwinner: mpur
Photographic evidence that white conservatives are actually raping the environment.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Lost episode of Home Improvement
"Hidi ho, good neighbor"
"Oh, hi, Wilson, could you hand me the pruners... and call 911?"

Best of Whacko
Thought balloon on guy in the background: "Just keep on walking. Don't make eye contact. Just stroll on by nice and easy. No noise now. Almost there/"

2. Molesta Floral (Yes, It was an actual business in my hometown) tried to revive business with an edgy new mascot, but, alas, it was too little, too late.

3. One day in the park, Sigmund the Sea Monster met George Michael.

4. Before the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Ghillie suits came in very handy on shore leave.

5. Ron's doctors were baffled how he came down with both herpes *and* Dutch Elm Disease.

More Stairs and Stares

Knowledge Is Power

1. November 4, 2008: John "Landslide" McCain (fourth from right) meets with his staff on the eve of his humiliating, bone-crushing defeat.

2. Drag Queens in North Dakota are more subdued than elsewhere.

3. What has two thumbs and very little fashion sense? This guy!

4. No wonder the president was charging up the steps. There was a shoe sale!

5. "You know Gary, some of us are starting to wonder why all of your fundraising schemes involve cross-dressing."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Fans line up for Glee tickets.

Best of HLam
"Do I wear these shoes to distract from my horrible tats? Or do I deform myself with ink to distract from the terrible platform shoes? Only I know..."

Best of jj
Tryouts for the Lions' placekicker position brought a strange mix indeed.

Best of Matt the K
In hindsight, Robert Downey Jr. was probably not the best choice as the lead role in the RuPaul biopic...

Best of Oiao
Hey, my Outlook calendar did not note that it is 'National Cross-Dresser/Drag Queen Fall Prevention Week', but Google has a banner for it.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
After declaring Maryland a Province of Mexico to justify giving discount in-state tuition rates to illegals, they still had time to stipulate Tuesdays as "Casual Crossdresser Day" and come out of their own closets. Caution... snickering is now a hate crime.

Best of Submariner
Discovery announced today that they were going after an edgier audience by having Ang Lee direct the next season of "Deadliest Catch."

Best of Silhouette
This remake had more Brady kids than I remember, Mr. Lee

Best of Adriane
Throw out your hands!!
Stick out your tush!!
Hands on your hips
Give them a push!!
You'll be surprised
You're doing the French Mistake!!
VOILA!!

Best of blue
"Is this the line for the bush?"

Best of GregMan
It's nice to see Col. Tigh (4th from bottom) has finally found his place in Earth society.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Race to the Top

Sondra K


1. ORA: Elliot Ness and his men just let the baby carriage crash, figuring the mother was better off not being punished with a baby,

2. ORA: Mad with power and tired of golf, the prez orders his staff to join him an a re-enactment of Duran Duran's "Is There Something I Should Know" video.

3. "The Temple of Bacchus is always so crowded this time of year."

4. You thought Dear Reader's Stage Set at the 2008 DNC Convention was over the top, just wait until 2012.

5. "Rosie O'Donnell has stopped retaining water! Quickly, to higher ground!"

Best of Vinney
"Last one to the top ain't got no mother."
"Sorry Mister President."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Obama upstages the Glee kids in his latest musical performance.

Best of Rodney Dill
Throw up your hands
Stick out your tush
Hands on your hips
Give 'em a push
You'll be surprised, you're doing the French Mistake
Voila!

Best of USMC2841
Screw you, Rodney! I'm working for Mel Brooks.

Best of blue
"Quick!!!! To the Bat Mobile!!!!!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
William Ayers must have left another package on the street...

Best of Dactyl
ADRIENNE!!!

Best of prince of leaves
SS agent, moments later: "Ben Gay, sir?"
Obama: "Not since the last time I stayed at uncle Frank's."

Best of Matt the K
Another one of Mrs. O's SBD's sends the Secret Service into OPCON 7.

Best of mpur
On the Secret Service radio: "Urkel on the move! Repeat, Urkel on the move!"

Best of Submariner
Aieeeeee! Godzirrah!

Best of Rodney Dill
"Charlie Murphy's cooking Johnsonville brats."

Best of GregMan
"Free government cheese!"

Best of GregMan
"There's the white women!"

Best of Submariner
We've already been through this once, Mr. President; "Running for President" is just a phrase...

Bag Boy (ATDHE)

Sondra K

1. "These are the tightest, scrotum-crushingest, penis-compressionist jeans I ever wore."

2. Mama Robinson's thoughtscreech: "Even for an emo kid he whines a lot. 'I inherited this from Bush' 'I inherited that from Bush' Bitch. Bitch. All the damn time."

3. Mama Robinson: "Oh, yeah... I just remembered. Did we pick up any pipe cleaners?"

4. "Yeah, Barry, you're not whipped. We're just dumping these body parts for Hillary as a favor, mm-hmm."

4. "Ooh... big man. Carrying two whole bags of arugula half a block. Ooh, what a bull you are."

Best of blue
"..and after we serve this freshly chopped raw meat to M'Chel, we'll get you a new dog!!"

Best of JohnS1959
"No Barak", said Mrs. Yee of Yee's China Buffet, "You won't need a teleprompter during your delivery boy pre-employment test - just see if you can find 123 Main St and deliver the food. And this time they have to pay cash - no more government vouchers".

Best of dub
Yo car is dis way Miss Daisy.

Best of prince of leaves
Mama Robinson: "Lessee, it's 1:15 now, and it's an hour drive through traffic back to the White House...that should give us plenty of time to wolf down this tray of mini-bearclaws before that boring health-nazi daughter of mine catches us."

Best of HLam
Paper or Plastic? The man still can't make a decision.

Best of Vinney
"Slow down, slow down. You'll have plenty of time to cruise the gay bath houses with the Emmanuel friend of yours."

Best of GregMan
"No sh1t old woman, you got all this cheese from the gubmint?"

ATDHE

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Man, these Old Navy bags sure do come in handy!"
(Get down, Mr. President, Dawn's head just exploded!)

Best of Adriane
Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?!?

Best of Oiao
"Did we remember the Colt 45 bottles at the counter?"

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Ennui, Will you please return my pants


1. Adopting to modern social cores, Lucy will now assess your manhood for 5 cents.

2. "OK, Billy I don't know why you have no pants, but I suspect it involves the Safe School Czar, Barney Frank, or George Takei."

3. "OK," Billy thought. "This has to be a dream. But is it my dream, or a dream Barney Frank is having."

4. Ferris Bueller's Pants Off.

5. "I'm sorry, Billy. Your buttocks are insufficiently pert. So, I'm going to prom with Subby."

Best of dadoctah
Pat and Vanna: the early years.

Best of Spin
Sarah Mechelle Gellar has fallen on hard (well maybe not hard) times since her Buffy days.
Xander Harris seems not to have changed at all.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I don't care what you've named it, Greg, the only bubbles I'm blowing come out of this bottle!"

Best of Jack Reacher
The Man From OxyClean: How Billy Mays Got His Start.

Best of Submariner
"Joanie LOVES Chachi"
an off-off-Broadway Samuel L. Brokowitz production.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
"But Clark Kent looked cool when he stood like this with his underpants showing."

Best of Matt the K
Do you remember blowing Bubbles when you were a kid?? Yeah...he says "Hi."

Best of Adriane
Getting Dan Radcliffe ready for Equus took a lot, A LOT, of patience ... well, that and some soapy water...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"2011 Liberal School Play Format"
Of course I think you're ghey, Charlie Brown. Everyone at school thinks you're ghey. Even Snoopy thinks you're ghey. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's not like you're a straight white centrist with ethics and morals. They're the weirdos in this society.

Friday, April 08, 2011

Hehheh hehheh... you said 'cockpit'


1. "All right, everything checks out. Once you reach Libyan airspace, we'll check with Hillary and let you know if you have a mission objective or any other goal or objective."

2. ORA: "Nah, don't worry about Goose, I'm sure he'll be fine."

3. "Now, what's it gonna take to make you drive this beauty off the lot today? Can I throw in some free undercoating?"

4. "It's a natural male reaction to get wood in the cockpit... it's kind of how it got its name. Anyway, you wanna go dancing later?"

5. "No, Ron, you don't get to be Starbuck. I get to be Starbuck!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
...and that's the "Obama" switch. It drops a bunch of "I'm Sorry" leaflets with each bomb.

Best of Whacko
"Nah. I don't know which Lybian's we're supporting today. Just fly over there, drop some ordinance, and we'll tell you what you hit later."

Best of prince of leaves
"Don't worry about it, Zak. It happens to all guys now and then. Don't let it interfere with your focus on piloting, whatever you do, or Captain Thrace will fail you out."

Best of Jack Reacher
"...and make sure you return it full, or Avis will charge you $6.50 a gallon."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Jeez, you took it out for a spin?!? Okay, no sweat! Go up again, fly backwards for 2650 miles to roll back the odometer. Oh, stick to the east coast... most air controllers take naps about now.

Best of Tremor
ORA: "And so that smug bastard flight lead asked if I was having trouble with my refreshment system. You know what I did? Rolled over and filled up the cup inverted. Then just to rub it in his face, I gave 'em the "Maverick Maneuver."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBQnS9UCq0k

Best of jj
So Joey, ever see a grown man naked?

Best of GregMan
"All I know is Admiral Odama said we have to 'reach out' to the Cylons and try to 'understand' their grievances. So make sure you do that before you blow them the frak out of the sky."

Lunch Box


1. Kid: "Thanks for the copy of the Kama Sutra Mr. Safe School Czar."

2. Kid:"So, it's not true that giant, flying viruses have escaped from the lab. That's good to know."

3. Kid:"What a pussy! Watch me slam that whole bottle of Jaegermeister."

4. Man: "Don't worry Billy, it's perfectly normal to get a big purple head while looking at women in bikinis."

5. Kid: "I'm impressed with the literature; I get free video games, trips to Disney World... but I have the feeling there's something you're not telling me about this Love Association you want me to join."

Best of dub
Seriously, Mr Thicke, I dont want to read your dirty limericks.

Best of Double the U
Wow, a coloring book of gladiators, thanks Captain Clarence!

Best of prince of leaves
Where Are They Now? Dondi retired from comics to become a school counselor. With careful management of his residuals and a generous public employee health benefit package, he will soon undergo the restoration surgery he has always craved to create whites for his congenital pinpoint eyes.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Congratulations, Timmy; you're now a registered Democratic voter in Wisconsin."

Best of Matt the K
Simon and Justin's first date: "You had me at 'Record Contract'."

Best of Submariner
Wow, Simon; a ride in your Corvette, a large sized Happy Meal, pictures of Paula Abdul naked, and next an afternoon swimming at your pool? I sure wish there was some way I could repay you!

Best of Spin
My GAWD, it's Tuesday... I lost a whole friggin' weekend!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Wow, that sure was a big bean burrito, Jerry. Pull my finger again.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

One of these things, not like the others...

Al


1. The Hogwarts Sorting Hat is the latest celebrity to come out of the closet.

2. Keith Olbermann attempts to slip incognito into the journalists' convention.

3. "It's not really my hat, I'm just trying to meet some French lesbians."

4. The other members of Turkish Parliament were unimpressed with Tazgar. "All hat, No Goats," they would say.

5. Before Matt Drudge settled on a tasteful fedora, there were other test balloons.

Best of Jack Reacher
I see James O'Keefe is working on another ACORN sting.

Best of Aarons cc:
If I wore a blue hat, yadda biddy biddy biddy yadda biddy biddy bom, all day long I'd biddy biddy bom, if I wore a big blue hat.

Best of dadoctah
Over forty years after Woodstock, Wavy Gravy still looks surprisingly spry.

Best of blue
"wear a hat & hide in plain site she said..."

Best of Submariner
Although nowhere near as popular as his cousin, Weird Al,"Mishugah Moe" Yankovic did experience limited success with the release of "Yiddish Paradise."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thawtbubble: Well, hell's bells, do I feel stupid. The team's not signing autographs today!

Threadwinner: Adriane
Well, with the Belgians not having a government after 300 days, I think we're going to be seeing a lot more smurfs trying to sneak out of the country ...

Best of Vinney
"Maybe while Devo sings I'll just slip out unnoticed."

Best of Rodney Dill
In more recent years Salman Rushdie has been able to go out in public.

Best of Matt the K
The "Where's Schlomo" series of books proved to be quite popular among the Hassidics.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
"And that's just the length of my hat, baby" Dave's pick-up lines had a tendency to fail miserably.

On The Budget

Jack Creature


1. When Paul Ryan reached the part of the Obama budget dealing with "golden unicorn feces," he knew he would have to propose an alternative.

2. "$34 Million to widen the doors on Air Force One? WTF?"

3. Paul Ryan discovers Obama's FY 2013 Budget is nothing but crude drawings of Barry and M'Chel hopping on a plane with bags of money under voice balloons reading "So Long, Suckers!"

4. MSNBC would later call Paul Ryan a racist for his criticism of a line item in Obama's 2012 budget -- "$11 billion for my homeboys at GE for keeping it real."

5. "And why exactly does Secretary Napolitano need $34 Million for 'Dutch Water Retention Devices?'"

Best of Jack Reacher
"The EPA needs $14 million to clean up after Dawn's head exploded. Sounds reasonable."

Best of metalgarth
$500,000,000 to subsidize manufacturers of pink ties! Nows there's some pork I can get behind

Best of Jay Guevara
"Hey, what's this $20 billion for bail money for the brothers?"

Best of Dactyl
Judging from his expression, this year's centerfold is kinda disappointing.

Best of prince of leaves
"Well, now, these graphs don't look bad, I see the deficit dropping off almost to nothing in the next few...what? Sideways? Oh. Ohhh. Uh-ohhh......."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Obamalama's cutting the middleclass tax burden by 50%! (See footnote 91b)... Assumes middleclass still won't be able to pay so Uncle Sam "will make up the difference in interest and penalties!" Must have been suggested by a banker.

Best of Mr Hankey
Ryan flips to the back and reads "About The Author - Mr Obama was born in (scratched out) and is currently a part time leader of the US when not scheduling world meetings that doesn't interfere with traveling with his family."

Best of GregMan
"$150,000 in printing expenses for a fake Hawaiian birth certificate? Hell, there's a printer in my home town who could do it for half that."

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Taxi!

Brender



1. On the plus side, cab drivers in Detroit now accept payment in bottle caps.

2. I usually don't pick up hitchhikers, but I've got a good feeling about this guy!

3.Showing a little leg never fails to get the truckers' attention.

4. Just a thought, if there were ever a RenFaire in Kabul, would anyone notice?

5. Most guys when impaled through the shoulder would have just called an ambulance.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Man I hope I don't get one of those Pakistani cab drivers", thought Jalil as he hailed a cab...

Best of jj
Dennis Miller has really let himself go.

Best of mpur
Fasil's rendition of "Fiddler on the Roof" was going great until he got shot.

Best of Vinney
Not another Jack Black movie!

Best of Jack Reacher
Apparently a method actor, Zach Galifianakis spends a lot of time in-character.

Best of Oiao
"Two Dinar! Two Dinar and I no spit on your potograph lens!"

Best of Dactyl
Yo, two to sell! Two for Charlie Sheen, who wants Charlie Sheen?

Best of racerboy and divine miss m
"Matters of the right hand" apparently include hailing taxis.

Best of blue
Two!!! Two women kissing!!!
I think I'll blow my self up!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Would you care to donate to a worthy cause? I'm collecting for the Terrorist's Widows & Orphans Fund. You want I should do a little jig first?

Best of dadoctah
World's least successful flashmob.

Best of Submariner
Achmed got the dancing moves down pretty well, but where will he find a white suit and more importantly, a disco, anywhere in Khabul?

Taming of the Shrewsday


1. Her pick-up line, "Wanna see my posse" works every time.

2. Remake of Brokeback Mountain.... not so bad, AKSHULLY.

3. "I think he said the new sheriff was a thespian."

4. "Howdy, Domestic Pardner"

5. Annie Get Your Gum.

Best of Submariner
I'd sure like to see what all those people in the background are looking at if this doesn't draw 'em...

Best of kg
Get a room.
Or stay right there.

Best of jj
The 2012 Hillary Intern Reunion definitely lived up to expectations.

Best of mpur
Funny, they don't look Lebanese.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Here comes Ellen--act natural!"

Best of divine miss m
Weather today calls for a collision between two warm fronts.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sgt. Carter's best performance ever on SG-1: Distracting the Jaffa traitor with a sensual smooch, Samantha reaches into the abdominal pouch and yanks out a larval Goa'uld... Jane experiences that classic post-coital empty feeling.

Best of Vinney
"Momma's don't let you daughters grow up to be lesbos."

Best of dadoctah
"Oh boy", thought Dr Beckett, "I'm really going to enjoy this Leap."

Best of Submariner
Yet another woman ruined for the rest of MANkind by marriage to Lyle Lovett...

Monday, April 04, 2011

Higher Education in A2

Divine Miss M




1. California Governor Jerry Brown Met With His Team of Economic Advisers Earlier Today and announced that new taxes would be "really far out, man."

2. Obama's re-election campaign kicked off with an aggressive strategy to recruit people most likely to vote Democrat.

3. Ah, so that's Santa gives to naughty boys and girls.

4. Out: Ann Arbor's Has Bash. In: Toronto's Slut Walk.

5. When you can no longer sit on a chair the right way, you're baked.

Best of blue
The students at at Alice B Toklas Jr High School meet with the guidance counselor.

Best of Steve O
Laziest NARC squad ever.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Well, I see the new "Weekend at Bernie's" movie is finally out.

Best of Spin
This crew needs 5 gallon buckets and huge eco-sacks to tote their munchies around.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
And then Willie Nelson awoke from his wet dream.

Best of dadoctah
Fleetwood Mac have really let themselves go.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
This is how Santa Claus spends his off months. Then, late on Dec 24th, he and his reindeer start taking amphetamines. December 26th is a real downer.

Best of HLam
Who's 'Weed', and what did he do?

Best of Jack Reacher
"Down with capitalism! Power to the people! Oh, and that baggie you want is sixty bucks. A guy's gotta make a living."

Threadwinner: GregMan
It took about seventy years but Dub finally gets stoned enough to put his arm around a fat chick.

Best of Submariner
Nothin' ta be seein' here, folks. Jist an Acorn voter registration drive - please ta be movin' along, now...

Best of jj
The new ad campaign by Tru-Green was a real bust.

Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner Kaptain Krude
It's nice to see Meghan McCain has finally made some friends.

404 - Leadership Not Found

Slammed at work. Please, caption amongst yourselves.


Best of Dr. Doom
"How do you say 'bracket buster' in Spanish", asked the President?

Best of Matt the K
Sabado Earo GIGANTE!!!!

Best of dub
Hang on, I'm trying to stop the leak.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
No worries, people! This finger's clean because I had to use Maybe I Touched My Genitals right before stepping out on stage.

Best of blue
"y como le dije a V de K, el trabajo es para los pobres"

Threadwinner: Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Slammed at work???"
"would someone who has held a real job please translate that for me?"

I was hoping someone would go with 'The Dating Angle' Angle Best of Submariner
Let's start with Batchelorette Number One: There's been a tsunami and nuclear meltdown in a friendly nation. There are rampant revolutions springing up all over the mideast in Muslim nations. The US Legislature can't pass a budget despite being six months late.

Where would YOU suggest I take a golf vacation?

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Say, does anybody else hear a phone ringing? Who would be calling at 3 a.m.?"

Best of Spin
"If Hillary runs in '12' put the bullet right here, please"

Best of Jack Reacher
"I'm going to turn it over to Vince, who's going to show us the amazing Sham Wow. Vince?"

Best of GregMan
"...and sometimes Frank Marshall Davis' spooge would end up in here!"

Best of sonicfrog
On this lost episode of "The Dating Game", bachelor # 3 won the date. For two hours, he explained his rational for preferring black socks to brown, and the bachelorette ended up choosing him just to shut him up!

Best of racerboy
Once again, he suffers the tragedy of being clever AND alone.

Best of dadoctah
"Aflac! Aflac? Aaaaf-LAC!!! Aflac! So how's my audition going?"