Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscar Night Fever

New Mogadishu Times


My Monday is busy as heck, so do as you will.


Best of sonicfrog
Loretta Swit has really let herself go....

Best of dadoctah
Is it too late to get a couple more names into the "In Memoriam" segment?

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
This week on "How big is Oprah's Ass..."

Best of Oiao
Is that:
A) a dude in drag
b) a woman who looks like a dude (but still looks like a dude in drag)
c) either (a) or (b) but with a little black kid who has slid from the back to under the dress
d) all of the above

Best of prince of leaves
Whatever you do, don't look at the Shroud of Turin-like image on the pink dress.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
FOX News launches a game show - Don't Ask Don't Tell - members of the audience guess which personality or politician is an adulterer, felon or gender bender!

Best of Wesley M.
Seeing James Franco take the stage in drag, Rob Lowe knew that his long nightmare as Oscar's favorite whipping boy was finally over...

Threadwinner: Dr. Doom
"For Best Actress in Portrayal of a Southern Racist Girl in a Dramatic Role... Vivian Leigh", gushed the presenter, "And for Best Supporting Actress While Not Choking the $hit Out of the Best Actress in Portrayal of a Southern Racist Girl in a Dramatic Role... Hattie McDaniel".

Best of Matt the K
That's why Franco was a Best Actor nominee this year. 'Cause the guy is ACTING like he's never worn a dress before.

Best of Submariner
Next, our tribute to Judy Garland and Ru Paul...

The Real Reason DOMA Was Repealed

Nice Deb


1. "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, Mandingo! Deeper! Harder! Faster! Do it to me like we do it to the taxpayers!"

2. Even though Chris Matthews didn't quite pull off the Mike Ditka costume, Bammy gave him points for bringing spice to their role-playing.

3. When the sniper was spotted in the balcony, Obama quickly shielded himself with a union boss, knowing his helmet-like hair would repel even the largest caliber bullet.

4. Standard Cap #163: Lenny and Karl: The later years.

5. "And the Oscar for most repellent imagery in a pornographic film goes to..."

Best of Jay Guevara
ORA: "That's not my hand."

Best of dub
Why yes Mr Valdez, I would like another cup of coffee.

Best of jj
Trumka, "Hey barry, when I said more stimulus, I meant more cash".

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Obama, Whispering: "Now go, my grinning homonculus...lay waste to the nation I've laid at your feet!"
Oddly enough, the verify word is "shipstic," which I think is what may be happening in the photo...

Best of Jack Reacher
"Stop; you had me at 'campaign contribution.'"

Best of molson
Just smile and pretend like I'm running things around here and no one will know the difference.

Best of Submariner
Now get out there and organize your community! Who knows? Maybe you'll be President of Amerikkka some day and finish tearing down whatever I may leave standing...

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Young Boy With Coupon

The weird part is, I found this while looking for a Thursday Babe post


1. Billy thought everything was going great right up to the moment Wilfred Brimley clocked him.

2. "It's from Barney Frank telling me I've won the 'Prettiest Boy' Competition. I get my prize at a Rest Area on I-95 outside Boston next Friday at midnight."

3. "It's from the Safe School Czar, and it's redeemable for a Free 'Clothing Optional' hug."

4. "It's an excuse note from a Wisconsin 'doctor.'"

5. "Not only did the school nurse give me condoms, she gave me a coupon good for 10% off my first abortion at Planned Parenthood."

Best of Wesley M.
After receiving this gift certificate in recognition of his stellar self-esteem, Nelson thought life would be smooth sailing until the cashier shoved it back at him and said, "It's called an expiration date. Can't you read?"

Best of dadoctah
"Okay, so I don't get the VIP tour of the Willy Wonka factory, but this ain't bad."

Best of Oiao
"I'm going to go eat this entire free pizza, and Michell can kiss my Cracker ass!"

Best of jj
Jake Harper's birthday...

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Hey Mom!!! I'm a registered democrat and the teacher sez that she will do my voting for me!!!

Best of metalgarth
Bobby Hill approved of the grand prize his mother won as substitute teacher of the year.

Best of dub
Standing behind Timmy is Coach Carl, with the longest left arm known to man.

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Cynthia Nixon's girlfriend strikes out on her own.

Best of JohnS1959
University of Miami recruiting scandals are becoming more mundane every day...

Friday, February 25, 2011

Where the White Girls at?

Sonic Frog



1. Even the young girls were surprised when Obama fell for the "pull my finger" gag three times simultaneously.

2. "And that, Mr. President, is a hole in the ground. Now, do you understand the difference, or do we need to explain it again?"

3. "The needle's right there, Mr. President. We told you none of us stole your smack."

4. "Thank you for attending our 4-H Science Fair Mr. President, but shouldn't you be back in the f--king White House dealing with f--king Libya, Somalia, the deficit, the Mexican drug war, or Iran? Actually, on second thought, maybe you need to attend more science fairs."

5. "Guess the fat girl's weight and you can have anything on the bottom shelf."

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Thought bubble of girl in blue plaid: "I missed a 'Tipping the Velvet' viewing party for this???"

Best of dub
Then after you advance the Automatic Gerbilator, you push that button to begin the insertion. Afterwards, Mr. Gere pays you $20.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Twenty-three red, the gentleman loses."

Best of dadoctah
Aiieee! Teeny little Gojira!!!

Best of GregMan
"No you idiot, that's Shinola!"

Best of Vinney
"OK kids. Foosball at the Science Fair. Coolllll."

Best of Jay Guevara
"There! He's not anti-American, like we are! Get him!"
"Don't worry, kids, I'm on it."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Obamalama outsourced intelligence gathering to myspace tweenies, and 4 billion dollars later, they've pinpointed where Justin Bieber will be when he grabs his crotch again.

Best of Whacko
"Oops! I guess we broke your teleprompter, Mr. President. Why aren't you saying anything, Mr. President? Mr. President?"

Best of molson
... and that's how you balance a budget Mr. President.

Best of Wesley M.
After seeing this non-working model of their green perpetual-motion high-speed rail engine, President Obama assured the sisters of Phi Delta Mu that their second round of Stimulus funding was in the bag...

Best of Dr. Doom
"Yes Mr. President", said the students in unison, "The Safe Schools Czar is in the 'special room' under the floor with Jamal, Suzy, and the NEA Shop Steward"...

The Beardy and Cankles Show

Al


1. The Most Interesting Man in the World doesn't always drink beer, but one look at those hips made him slam a case of Old Milwaukee.

2. "Would you like to come back to my hotel? I have a thing for bitchy, frigid, power-crazed, pear-shaped women."

3. "Forgive me, Madame Secretary, but hocking a gigantic loogie on the shoulder of a woman is a sign of great respect in my country." (Snicker)

4. "Madame Secretary, may I offer you a breath mint to cover the tuna fish sandwich you evidently had for lunch."

5. "Don't be afraid, Madame Secretary. When you die, the ghost of someone you loved is often sent to guide you into the spirit world. I am the ghost of Karl Marx. "

Best of Vinney
"Please Madame Secretary forgive me. The cigars for your husband were meant as a gesture of friendship."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Tell me, from which of these people did you not get a harrumph? I will have him executed."

Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner dub
Who's the guy talking to Grimmace?

Best of Jay Guevara
"So shoot me! I forgot to bring a piece of chalk!"

Best of sonicfrog
Hey, Bill had his fun... Now it's Hillary's turn!!!... But why Wolf Blitzer???

Best of Rodney Dill
"Wasn't your hump on the other side?"
"Hump? What hump?"

Best of molson
"Madame Secretary talking to you now reminds me that when I was a boy, I had an ass. Oh how I loved to ride that ass and when I wasn't riding that ass, all I could think about was riding that ass. I want to ride that ass again, but it is impossible... or is it?"

Threadwinner Dr. Doom
"I don't always entertain incompetent bunglers but when I do, I choose the Obama administration", said the most interesting man in the world, "Stay scared my friends - stay very very scared"...

Best of Wesley M.
Secretary Clinton realizes her State Department staff has mistranslated "Press the RESET button" yet again...

Mexican Weather

Al


1. "... and Border Patrols should be light and variable all along the Rio Grande."

2. Is it just me, or could most of the words on the map be synonyms for 'breasts.'

3. Comcast's first ownership act was to outsource the Weather Channel. Forecasts were less accurate, but a lot cheaper.

4. Not temperatures, but the amount of cocaine, in kilotons, being shipped from each location to Charlie Sheen's house.

5. "Cut! Get a stagehand in there to even up her breasts before she unbalances."

Best of Vinney
Just last week she was filing folders in an office.

Best of Jack Reacher
"As you can see, muchachas, Bieber got very few votes from these cities. We shall burn them."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
On Tijuana Weather, the map shows how many citizens were killed by drug cartels today. Gives a better sense of how hot it is in your town. After a commercial break, she'll remove her skirt and whack a piƱata full of 7-day forecasts.

Best of dadoctah
I look forward to the first time they send her out to the beach to report live when the hurricane makes landfall.

Best of molson
Today will be sunny with an elevated risk of boners.

Best of Dr. Doom
"We have a large warm front", related Maria Conchita Teresa Adelita Chiquta Gomez, "And the weather will be hot too"...

Best of Julie the Jarhead
I've heard of people giving pet names to their private parts -- though I would have chosen something a little more imaginative than 'Victoria'.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Wu Hu

News Item: "U.S. Rep. David Wu’s behavior grew to be so erratic and disturbing during the final weeks of his re-election campaign last November, the Oregon Democrat’s staff and advisers staged “interventions” to encourage him to seek psychiatric help." (Hat Tip: Metalgarth)

Ya Think?


Threadwinner: metalgarth
After being rejected by Suzie Derkins, Calvin's fetishes came out in force.

Best of metalgarth
It gets really ugly when Tiggers get mixed up with Silence of the Lambs fanatics

Best of Dr. Doom
Democrat state senators in Wisconsin have gotten pretty creative at conceling themselves to duck a vote...

Best of dub
Another Google fail for my search for "Asian pussy".

Best of Jack Reacher
Yeah, we get it; you like Frosted Flakes.

Best of dadoctah
Cheezburger. Srsly. Nao.

Best of dadoctah
I for one am not sticking around to see the Hidden Dragon that goes with this.

Best of prince of leaves
Something tells me the "herbal remedies" Rep. Wu was using were not traditional Chinese ones.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Doncha wish your Senator was hot like me?
Doncha wish your Senator was a freak like me?
Doncha?
Doncha?

Ang Lee's new Pussycat Dolls were quite the bust.

Best of molson
"Never have I seen a candidate more qualified to be a Democrat," Barney gasped, overflowing with excitement.

Best of Rodney Dill
Ennui bounced, ennui bounced, ennui bounced.... ennui bounced some more.

While You're Done Down There, Make Me a Sammitch!

More hilarious sexual harassment stock photography hyar... courtesy of racerboy


1. Dude says, "I can't decide whether to file you under 'T' or 'A.'"

2. Dude says, "If you were a lesbian, could I stick my finger in you?... No, wait, I said it wrong... No, that was right."

3. "I like my coffee like I like my women... cold and bitter."

4. Dude says, "Nice try, Melinda, but see the completely flat area at the front of my pants? That's right, I'm a homo, or, in, politically correct language, 'Justin Bieber fan.'"

5. She says, "I'm sure I put those shirtless photos in here somewhere, Congressman Lee."

OK, So, she hates boys


1. I sorta dig Justin Bieber's new look.

2. When applying at the National Organization of Women, it's important to dress for the interview.

3. Every time Tina wore that shirt to Phys.Ed, she had no trouble getting excused from class by Ms. Rodham.

4. She obviously has one of those "creative discipline" principals, and I would give much to know what she is being punished for.

5. "Yeah, well guess what I hate, tubby," snarled dub.

Best of Jack Reacher
Won't she be surprised when she discovers the 15 year old girl she chats with online is NBC's Chris Hansen?

Best of Dr. Doom
Suzy evetually realized that having two mommies put her at a distinct dating disadvantage...

Best of Jack Reacher
Michelle quickly cracked the code for getting invited to the Ellen show.

Best of jj
On the way to the green room on the set of "Ellen"...

Best of dub
Apparently Casper hates sunlight too.

Threadwinner dadoctah
"Actually, my designer is dyslexic. It's supposed to say 'Ha, obesity'."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Darn mixed messages. Is she trying to say she's a lesbian or is she toying with adult male teachers' fantasies?

Best of BigBren1650
Lizzy was the real victim of her mom giving birth to a bastard child.

Best of metalgarth
No, it says "I hate Boy George." Damn Culture Club reunion.

Best of molson
...but I love Anderson Cooper.

Best of dadoctah
In later years when her records started selling, Melissa would come to admit a grudging respect for Bruce Springsteen.

Best of Vinney
"Is this where I sign up to be a Women's Studies major"?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

A Tuesday Message From Your Safe Schools Czar



Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Dr. Feckler admits to taking the 8x10 glossy in his proctology office, but claims it was only meant for his "Get a Prostate Exam" seminar.

Best of Submariner
The real reason Bawney Fwank is no longer allowed to guest-host on Children's Television Workshop programs.

Best of blue
"It's hard being green...no, it's green being hard...no, it's ...oh just do it!"

Best of dadoctah
Meme updated for the 21st century: frogse.cx!

Best of Rodney Dill
Is a frogs ass water tight? ....hmmm, not so much.

Best of Jack Reacher
What SEIU and AFSCME executives see when they think of taxpayers.

Best of jj
They don't care who you are at county lock-up. Procedures are procedures.

Doin' It Vulcan Style


1. "Are you missing a tongue? I seem to have two!"

2. Somewhere, Howard Stern just came in his pants.

3. "I gotta say, Doc, your new dental hygienist has some unusual techniques for getting at that hard-to-reach plaque, but I like it."

4. Some of Khadafy's bodyguards were just so glad to be rid of the old bastard.

5. Karl's Jr. commercials slipped into hardcore pron so gradually hardly anyone noticed.

We intterupt our programming for a message from Mo Khadaffy in a Mad Bomber Hat

To quote Calculon, I'm not familiar with this type of thing I'm seeing.



Best of Jack Reacher
"It will take eight hours to charge before I can flee? What the hell? Why did I let you talk me into buying a Nissan Leaf?"

Best of Dr. Doom
Sometimes it is best not to make that last sequel. This was certainly the case with Death Wish XLIII...

Best of molson
Noone will recognize me. I am master of disguise.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Clearly, this is a global problem. Voters should demand that all candidates for head of state pass a bumbershoot proficiency test!

Best of Submariner
These Vincent Price horror flics always creep me out!

Best of JohnS1959
"How many more air strikes will I have to call in before Mr. Obama acknowledges my mad umbrella skills?", thought Moammar.

He shoots, he scores!


1. "I know it's a cliche, but, let's puck."

2. "Why did we go gay? Because hockey periods last twenty minutes, not five days, that's why."

3. "You realize if we do it doggy style, we can both watch 'Hockey Night in Canada.'"

4. "You better knock it off, Jean-Paul. Nobody messes with coach's wife."

5. "Who's that middle-aged woman yelling in the stands." "Oh, that's just my mom. She always cheers when I score."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hey, lets see if we can get traded to the Los Angeles Kinks", cooed Brucie.

Best of Dr. Doom
Bruce cleverly waited until the San Francisco game to ask Bob to marry him. The fans tossed copious quantities of personal lubricant onto the ice in what was to become a very popular tradition...

Best of kg
Your penalty box, or mine?

Best of jj
Brucie wants to score in the five-hole.

Best of Submariner
>snnnnnnnifff!<
When did you start wearing Chanel #5?

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Klingon Children

Sondra K

1. "And later, M'Chel's takin' us to Planned Parenthood to get tutored!"

2. By strange coincidence, "Mm, No" is most men's response when asked if the FLOTUS is "doable."

3. "M is for M'Chel... we even drew you a picture." ATDHE.

4. I'm not about to tell a union thug how to run her school, but I think the "National Government" caption would work better under either the monkey or octopus picture.

5. "Later, the Safe School Czar is going to illustrate the letter 'P' for us, but first, little DeShawn here is going to have to put on the gimp suit."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I'm filling in today because your teacher is in Madison, working to perfect a dictatorship of the proletariat. Hey, hey! That's not for publication, you!"

Best of Double the U
Alright... off to the slaughterhouse for you two little heads of cattle.

Best of Submariner
FLOTUS; "Today's lesson is wealth redistribution. Cowboy Carl represents the evil, rich, Republicans who take everything from honest people. Shanene is a poor but good Democrat welfare recipient. Carl; give everything in your basket to Shanene. You can keep the receipt.

Any questions class?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Kid on Right: "...but I'm a cowboy, I can be your little Woody."
Michelle: "Sorry... Barry already has that job."

Best of dub
And in here, Mrs Obama, is the room where we package the crack and load it into baskets for distribution.

Best of jimmy
"Class, this is Mrs. Obama. Yes, she's the one who took away your lunchtime french-fries and gave you celery sticks instead. But just for today---ribs for everybody!"

*yay!!!*

Best of Vinney
On the next Maury it's a very special "Who's the Daddy?".

Best of prince of leaves
Travis' days as a Secret Service bodyguard were numbered when his compulsive fascination with mirrors and other shiny objects came to light.

Best of JohnS1959
"Yes ma'am", related Jamal, "we have been learning about reading and writing, and of course the repeated failure of Keynesian economics - pretty simple stuff really it is a wonder why some people don't get it".

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
" nuq wa' 'oH QaQ Daq Sop"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Conservative zealots are demanding that the school remove the Oo and use a less obscene example than an octoPUSSY.

Best of jj
Secret Service Agent's thought bubble, "I wish to hell I didn't have to carry these ribs in my pocket. The sauce is ruining my jacket and dogs follow me eveywhere."

Toast

Campaign Spot


1. "No, Mr. President, we didn't say 'Propose a toast,' we said 'The economy is toast.'"

2. ORA: "The world may be, um, burning and dying outside these walls, but at we elites are safe and... hey, who's the guy in the red masque?"

3. "To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, "I am governing as I have lived, beyond my means.'"

4. "Allah bless us, everyone."

5. "And a toast to this delicious Soylent Green, which I understand is the ultimate solution to our social security, medicare, and carbon emission problems."

Best of jj
M'chelle is out of town....cheeseburgers for everyone!

Best of Jack Reacher
Obviously a gathering of liberals; everyone holding out his glass, waiting for someone else to fill it.

Best of blue
.."and after we fill our sample beakers, the lab will test for conservative leanings!"

Threadwinner: Submariner
"To Dawn..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Standard White House party platter since the 1900's - fatted calf wrapped in pork, taxpayer's blood pudding,
and snake oil promises to wash it down. Dessert? Big basket of sweet post-presidency jobs and pardons.

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: "Before we, um, start the, um, ritual, has anyone seen Mrs., um, Paddock?"

Best of JohnS1959
"And for the second week in a row unemployment figures increased by less than the expected margin", toasted the President, "Here's to leadership in action"!

Best of molson
Here's to Che.

Best of Adriane
Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!!!

Best of Army of Dad
All those in favor of sending Michelle on a cruise around the horn of Africa?
Motion carried.

Best of Dactyl
Here's to you, honkies!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Today's Bawdy Irish Joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come
."

Saturday, February 19, 2011

But What About *My* Needs?

Fred Miranda


1. "Bad touch, Mr. Shatner! Bad touch!"

2. "Take it easy, coach. That's still tender from my nipple piercing."

3. "Whoa! I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine."

4. "All right, you can sell my used jocks on eBay, but I want a 60% cut."

5. "Red and green sweatbands? Fashion faux pas, coach."

Best of Submariner
ORA: Coach Manny wore the wrist bands to remind his wrestlers what he had done to his basketball players that hadn't done what they were told...

Best of dub
This weeks wrestling tournament will be at Saint Catherines Catholic Church.

Best of metalgarth
Don't worry, *I* didn't want to wrestle with girls when I was your age either.

Best of dadoctah
Ang Lee's "Edgar and Charlie: A Love Story".

Best of Matt the K
The last known photograph of Tony Randall.

Best of prince of leaves
"Sodomy? He barely knew me!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
This is the clench you have to avoid at all costs, Timmy. Your spindly arms will snap like toothpicks if you struggle.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Coach Anderson knew how to put the "Greco" into "Greco-Roman Wrestling."

Best of Vinney
"It's not what you think. I was just showing Timmy the Heimlich Procedure in case he gets something lodged in his throat."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Joey, have you ever seen a grown man naked", asked Coach Oveur?

Best of Kaptain Krude
"But Coach, my nipples aren't chafing!" Young Billy started getting a funny feeling about the whole situation.

Best of Matt the K
And from here, there was no turning back for young Keanu.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Writer's Block + Sci Fi Babe = Free For All



Best of prince of leaves
2025: MSNBCBS' new biopic was criticized for exaggerating Hillary Clinton's role in the 2011 Egypt crisis.

Best of prince of leaves
Somewhere, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is pining for the Seventies, when villains wore costumes far more fabulous than Members Only jackets.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Why yes, the rhinestones do chafe my butt crack."

Best of Vinney
"Marla, you must try the quiche. It's exquisite."

Best of Chronos the wonder Pig
Phat Phuc the eunuch wondered what happened to his noodle

Best of mpur
Sigh....another Michelle Bachman picture making the rounds.

Threadwinner molson
The Berkley City Council meetings are always so colorful.

Best of Spin
Dub frowns as he scans up and takes notice of the Adam's apple.

Best of dadoctah
Following advice from her press agent, Sarah Palin tries to boost flagging attendance at her latest book-signing.

Best of Submariner
Would you mind taking a step back Princess Ardala? I'd like to get a good look at that sexy entourage you travel with...

Best of Matt the K
The Governor on 'Benson', Kathy Griffin's brother and a strongman walk into a bar...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Alana's looking retro chic... it only took about 450 years for Michelle's 21st century drapery rod look to come back into style.

Whatever's Going On Here, Better Knock It Off

One of you monors


(I'm having total writer's block today. Sorry. So, I'm gonna just go with Free For Alls.)


Best of prince of leaves
"Um, waiter? I know I said 'rare', but..."

Best of Rodney Dill
This has the makings of the Best Bachelor party ever....

Best of Vinney
Wisconsin's democrat state senators have finally been located.

Best of blue
"Dudes, are are so stupid - it's Boobies and Kittens, not steers & dynamite!!!"

Best of mpur
We always suspected Ferdinand the Bull was gay, but who knew he was flaming?

Best of molson
I had never been more scared for my anus except for the time I dropped the soap at Uncle Barney's Folsom Street bathhouse.

Best of dadoctah
"Dinsdale!"

Best of Dactyl
Well it's not sharks with friggin' lasers on their heads, but it'll have to do.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thawtbubble shared by at least 5 guys... "Who the hell thought this would be a more fun than cowtipping!?!"

Best of Dr. Doom
Ah... now here's a bovine effect global warming scenario that could actually work. If you were to take every bull on earth and light their horns on fire, they would raise the earth's temperature by approximately 0.5 degrees...

Best of Matt the K
Igor and his brothers cowered in fear as the onslaught of angry townsbulls stormed Dr. Frankencow's Castle.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Tastes Like Children

Van Helsing


1. Bear Thought Bubble: "Hm, the baby seals are pinker than usual."

2. Yeah, this field trip won't be happening again next year.

3. Sea World announced today the cancellation of its "Polar Bear Encounter" attraction and announced that, henceforth, hippie environmentalists would not be allowed to design their attractions.

4. Who knew that Timothy Treadwell fathered children?

5. Fittingly, the gene pool is about to receive some much needed chlorination.

Best of Submariner
Hey, Hey, HEY!
I don't swim in your toilet, kid. Don't pee in my pool.

Best of jj
Polar bear thought bubble, "Now where did I put that BBQ sauce?"

Best of Rodney Dill
The outlook for bi-polar children is not very good.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Marco"
"Polar"

Best of Oiao
Polar Bear's Response: "I ate him."
White kid's question: "What happened to the black kid that was hanging on your back?"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Why I bet that these little tidbits are Bieberlicious!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Igor the Futurist predicts -
a) shyster ACLU lawyer will sue zoo, city govt, water company and the polar bear... and win.
b) parents and/or grandparents and/or school will be pilloried for not keeping precocious kids on a leash.
c) huge pile of flowers and other memorabilia will form at entrance to polar bear exhibit.
d) several dumbass college dudes will sneak in after hours to try their luck swimming with bears.

Best of Vinney
"Screw the North Pole! This Miami life is for me. You know where I can get some fava beans and a nice Chianti"?

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Hey hey, kid, that better be a Snickers bar!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Hey, do you mind? There's no woods around here! Now beat it, kids!"

Best of dadoctah
The Coca-Cola commercial that didn't make it to air.

Best of Dactyl
Huh. Looks like they have global warming in Narnia too.

Best of molson
The kids. It's what's for dinner.

Best of BigBren1650
Msnbc has confirmed a rare sighting of Pedobear's distant cousin, Pedopolar.

Mr. Disco Helmet


1. "So, then the sun reflected off my helmet, blinded the rest of the riders, and they went straight over the embankment. And that's how I got kicked out of the Hell's Angels."

2. "You knew, Corkey, the other retards are starting to think you're kinda queer."

3. "Yeah, well, maybe that lit cigar in your eye will make you think twice the next time you want to criticize someone's fashion choices, Mr. Blackwell."

4. "So, what else did you steal out of Jeff Gordon's trailer?"

5. "Dad, the threadline on yesterday's Bieber post was not intended to be a challenge."

Best of Dr. Doom
Oh yeah, fraternity parties at the University of Delaware start out innocently enough. One minute you are wearing your fashionable disco helmet and smoking a cheroot. The next you are passed out on the floor smoking a cheroot of an entirely different sort...

Threadwinner Rodney Dill
...and nights I just hang around at the disco bar...

Best of Disco Stu
Disco Stu likes to ride motor bikes and smoke cigars

Best of metalgarth
Tin Foil Hats are so last decade!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
You laugh, but the voices have stopped.

Best of Adriane
For the 100th $*%^& time!!! I DO NOT know the way to McCarthur's Park ...

Best of Vinney
Looks like one of the pilots at Key West Naval Air Station has been on the island a bit too long.

Best of dadoctah
Dash Riprock shields his eyes, momentarily blinded by the glare from Mr Drysdale's head.

Best of Submariner
Dr. Brindle retransmitted and ended up with his cranium being multi-faceted instead of his eyes. He decided he could live with that.

Best of dadoctah
This is pretty much how everyone expected Howard Sprague to end up.

Best of Rodney Dill
The years have not been kind to Super Dave Osborne.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

If there is anything gayer...

... than Justin Bieber grabbing his own crotch while wearing leather pants and Austin Powers glasses, I don't wanna know about it, baby!



Best of blue
As Justin struggles to hold it in, his bodyguards desperately search for the girls room

Best of Army of Mom
Do I make you horny Baby, baby, baby ohhh.

Best of dub
Where will you be when your Vagisil wears off?

Best of Submariner
For Gaia's sake; PLEASE DON'T LET 'EM HIT THE GROUND!

Best of Submariner
OBSR*
Justin; "Ya might wants ta stand back whilst I whip dis out."
Bodyguard; >snicker< "or not..."

*Obligatory Blazing Saddles Reference

Best of dadoctah
Apparently Selena Gomez isn't a squeaky clean as she pretends to be.

Best of Dr. Doom
"My what a large closet you have", said Bruce as Justin emerged.

Best of metalgarth
Verification word says it all: "NOIDSAWF"

Best of molson
Ohhhh! My strap on keeps riding up.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Yeah, you just keep searching for them, Justin. One of these days, you just might find them.

Best of prince of leaves
"Oooof! Finally! Now if the other one would just drop..."

Best of blue
"Hurry, Hurry!!! NASCAR starts Sunday!!"

Best of Rodney Dill
My pants are loose,
My boots are tight,
By balls (if they'd drop),
swing from left to right.
left
left
left right left

Sweet, Sweet Dunken Love

Brender


1. George Takei throws the BESTEST Slumber Parties!

2. White shorts before Memorial Day... are going to be the least of his problems when the other dude wakes up.

3. The most embarrassing thing to happen in Delaware since last year's Senate Election.

4. And this... THIS ... is just exactly what CPAC was afraid would happen if they let the homos on.

5. "Dammit, Brad, you never want to just cuddle."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
This is a case where the right hand doesn't want to know what the left hand's doing.

Best of Dr. Doom
Congressman Frank's Pages can't hold their liquor. Actually that is near the top of the qualifications list...

Best of jj
The Daily Kos' room at CPAC...

Threadwinner Dactyl
Rare photo of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon after they finished the script for Good Will Hunting.

Best of Vinney
The new reality show the "The Twinks of Wilmington, Delaware" is a real snoozer.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day Nightmare Fuel

Van Helsing

Have at it, boyos! In the meantime, various members of the Obama Administration recall how they met their true loves:

"I first saw the love of my life on a warm spring day. He was wearing shorts that showed off his cute little butt just so. I asked him to lunch, I remember it so well, it was sloppy joe day. I remember he wowed me with his knowledge of Pokemon and told me I wasn't like the other adults. I asked him how he would like to help me demonstrate fisting at the GLSEN conference. He asked me what that meant and when I told him, the little bastard kicked me right in the nuts." --- Safe School Czar, Kevin Jennings.

"I was riding my Harley to an Indigo Girls concert and *she* pulled up next to me. And I said, 'Lookin' Good, Madame Secretary.' And she said, 'Right back atcha, Justice Kagan.' She was so embarrassed when I told her I was 'the other one.' But we had a good laugh, and later went back to my place to drink wine cut the crotches out of pictures of men." --- DHS Secretary, Janet Napolitano.

"I haven't been able to meet my twoo love yet because Justin Bieber's security detail --- much like his cute little butt --- is just too tight." - Congressman Barney Frank, D-Mass


Best of Matt the K
Latoya Jackson and Gary Busey make this season's "Apprentice" a Must-Watch.

Best of Jack Reacher
Whitney Houston and Harry Anderson have sure let themselves go.

Best of Adriane
Ahh, the good, old days ... I just love looking at all the pictures in Parent1 and Parent2's photo album.

A Caption Meme in the Making



Woman from Fruitport allegedly used a fish to attack two men ice fishing in Norton Shores:

Police say two Egelston Township men ice fishing in Norton Shores Saturday were accosted by an angry fish-flinging woman from Fruitport.
And it gets weirder...

The men, both in their early 20s, said they were ice fishing in a shanty when they were approached by a woman who “wanted to urinate on the ice,” Gale said.

“The woman said to turn their heads while she urinated. While their backs were turned the woman struck the first complainant in the head with a fish,” Gale said. “The female then approached them and struck the other man across the face with a fish.”
ORA: She was probably a rubberhead.

h/t: racerboy


Best of Oiao
Drill Baby Drill! I'll provide the hot oil!

Best of JohnS1959
The Drill Here Drill Now Super Bowl commercial was rejected by Fox as being too controversial (fur boots)...

Best of Rodney Dill
She asked me why it was taking so long to drill a hole in the ice, so I set the choke, primed the engine, and yanked on the cord. The engine roared to life. With wide eyes she said, "Whatinthehell is that noise?"

Best of blue
Betsy the dancer finds herself unemployed as her pole sinks into the ice - damn global warming

Best of Jack Reacher
Nice snow cones.

Best of Oiao
Damb. She kind of looks like my first ex-wife. But not as frigid.

Best of molson
I approve of this activity. I can haz moar?

Best of Submariner
Paris Hilton finally hits on a successful strategy to stop the burning...

More Happy Valentime's Day


1. "I just can't take you anywhere, can I?" Vincent sighed.

2. "You promised you wouldn't turn into a flesh-craving zombie until *after* the wedding!"

3. "Aw, be a sport babe. Tell me what it smells like and I'll let you up."

4. Worst. Ventriloquism. Act. Evah!

5. I'm not 100% familiar with WASP wedding rituals, but isn't the bride supposed to kiss the Gold Retriever and the Golden Retriever is supposed to smell the groom's crotch?

Best of dadoctah
Date-rape drugs: some people just don't understand the concept.

Best of Submariner
ORA: No, Jane; "blow" is just an expression...

Best of dub
Bride thought bubble "Yeah, apparently he really was the 'best' man".

Inter-Species Romance for your Valentine's Day from Al



1. Ang Lee's reimagineing of Pep Le Pew wasn't so much perverse as just... confusing.

2. Once again, a coon is featured in a Cap This Pic, once again, Dawn's head explodes.

3. Mittens's parents couldn't put their fingers on it, but there was just something about her prom date they didn't trust.

4. In the morning, a hungover Mittens would wonder why there was a gnawed off bloody raccoon arm in her bed.

5. "Hey, mom. There's a Sign of the Apocalypse coming in the kitchen door."

Best of dadoctah
"It's dangerous to go alone. Take this!"

Best of dadoctah
"Have you been outside yet? The whole freakin' internet is *crawling* with these things!"

Best of Submariner
How 'bout this one dub; still "too fat?"

Threadwinner: metalgarth
Ranger Rick's *other* magazine was very different than the one he is best known for.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
A raccoon walks into a bar carrying Schrodinger's cat, claims he was able to get the damn thing out of the box but can't figure out how to put him back into it.

Best of Silhouette
Wife raccoon to husband raccoon "Of course he's yours. I swear."

Best of molson
See what happens next at gofurry.com.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Taken on I-35 between Austin and San Antonio.



Best of prince of leaves
It took the IPCC a while to spot the correlation in their massaged data, but it turned out the Algore Effect was exacerbated by Happy Endings.

Threadwinner: Dr. Doom
The traffic control editor finally realizes his Current TV stock (much like Al Gore) is essentially worthless...

Best of Jack Reacher
As the media only allowed blizzard coverage of storms affecting the Washington-New York corridor, Texas turned to other means of notification.

Best of jj
That aint snow. Al-Qaeda just bombed a Colombian airliner over Texas...

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Watson, after taking over the Texas Highway patrol, decides to have some fun with the commuters.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Somebody at CPAC Gave Physllis Schlafly a Gun, Isn't That Sweet?

Gateway Pundit



1. "Yeah, baby! This'll keep those kids off my lawn."

2. ORA: "Say 'What?' Again, Motherf-cker!"

3. And by eliminating Harry Reid in "Sudden Death," Phyllis Schlafly wins the CPAC Granny Clampett Lookalike Contest.

4. Phyllis Schlafly demonstrates Rule #4, the double-tap, on Newt Gingrich, who was turning into a zombie.

5. "You make the crosshairs, Sarah. I'll do the rest!" (And then Nancy Pelosi's head exploded... but not for the usual reasons.)

Best of Rodney Dill
Where do the D-Cell's go?

Best of Vinney
"Jed"!!!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Gloria Steinem's here? Where? I promise, I'll only wing her!

Best of metalgarth
Army of Great Grandma took no guff from the younger generation

Best of blue
Tell my grandson in the white dress that I want to see him now!!

Best of Double the U
Settle down Mildred, Berniece did not cheat in Bingo.

Best of Matt the K
Whoa, hey, take it easy Mrs. C.!! Joanie's still... *intact*.

Best of prince of leaves
2037: an aged and impoverished Courtney Love is forced to auction off the last of Curt Cobain's belongings.

Best of dadoctah
"Take cover! Martha Stewart's finally snapped!"

Best of Submariner
I'll bet you like this dress now, DON'T you Mr. Blackwell? And you're gonna run a retraction to your previous comments, right?

The All ORA Caption Set


1. "And you can make that out to 'Vince Clortho, Keymaster of Goxer.'"

2. "Now, look at Tide-to-Go go to work on those tough blood and semen stains."

3. "You aren't the first psychotic fan to threaten to bury me in his crawlspace, but you are easily the most credible."

4.Ace: "Would you like to go on a picnic Mr, Brown? You Bring The Sandwiches, I'll Bring The Ether and Oversized Women's Shoes"

5. Ace: "Mr Brown, seeing you in that jersey Makes Me Want to Dress Up Like Jame Gumb And Put you In My Victim-Hole"
Dustin Brown: "I'm Calling The Police"
Ace: "There You Go With Those Mixed Signals Again"


Best of Double the U
After the autograph Steven Hanson checked Dustin Brown into the wall.

Best of Oiao
"And right here, where I am marking an X, is where you will attach a little black kid onto the back of my jersey."

Best of Matt the K
Top recruiter Zuul the GateKeeper signs up a fresh soul.

Best of prince of leaves
"Mmm, yesss, can you make it out to 'Sylar', please?" [tick tick tick tick tick tick tick...]

Best of dadoctah
I think its cute when professional athletes pretend they can write just like the higher primates.

Best of Dr. Doom
"You want me to sign what?" asked the hockey player incredulously, "Hey buddy I play for the Kings not the Kinks."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hey Hoser", said Steve, "watch out for that May guy and his 'lip checks' in front of the goal."

Best of Submariner
So how did that "I want to be a Dentist" plan work for you after you left Santa's shop?

Friday, February 11, 2011

Greedo Wore Kicky Pumps, Who Knew?

Cracked

1. Sporting a sweet new pantsuit, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton meets with the Iranian delegation.

2. Seventies porn was so weird. I mean, what's with those mustaches?

3. George and Larry were baffled trying to come up with what toe of what animal the front of those pants resembled.

4. "But why would I shoot first if I'm supposed to collect a bounty on his return?"

5. "OK, Greedo, you can come to the CPAC conference, but your two gay porn actor friends will have to wait outside."

Best of Double the U
And SondraK excitedly said, "That pistol, those high heels, I want both!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Nice F*ckme pumps, Greedo"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
After leaving Congress and losing that cushy health insurance plan, Pelosi could only get cameo television appearances, not enough to afford another face lift.

Best of Silhouette
"Trust me, George. Harrison and I just enjoyed some trailer time before this shoot, and, um, Han shot first."

Best of Matt the K
The only green chick Kirk *didn't* bang.

Best of dadoctah
"Yoosa lookin at meesa? Yoosa lookin at meesa? Ain't nobuddy else here so yoosa got ta be lookin at meesa!"

Best of Steve O
With those shoes, and those lips, I'm guessin' Greedo can pay off his bounty 25 credits at a time, if you know what I mean.

Best of prince of leaves
Lucas: "Rubber? I barely knew her!"

Threadwinner: metalgarth
Uncle Owen never let Luke go to Mos Eisley when they were holding that "street fair" thing.

Best of George Takei
I sure picked the wrong nerd franchise to be in!

Best of Vinney
"OK! OK! You don't have to have sex with Johnnie Wadd. Just put the gun down."

Best of Matt the K
Last night I shot an alien in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

The 2025 Princess of Fire Island

Divine Miss M



1. "No, mom, I don't mind at all being the object of your Attention-Whore-by-Proxy Syndrome. Now, let's get to the Today Show, so Meredith Vieira can praise your tolerance."

2. "Years from now, mom, when I'm on my knees in a rest area bathroom, I'll be so grateful you taught me to accept myself."

3. Photos of Justin Bieber's First Communion were released earlier this week.

4. "Mama, don't try to tell me the $4 million settlement the school district gave to that bullied kid's family and these new school clothes you just bought me are just a coincidence."

5. The offspring of the captioner who calls himself 'Army of I Have No Son.'

Best of Submariner
OK, I'm ready to go visit Father O'Malley at the parsonage.

Best of Vinney
"Who do I have to blow around here to get a Happy Meal"?

Best of Double the U
.... but I don't want to wear the princess outfit! I want to be something more manly like a Johnny Weir figure skater outfit.

Best of GregMan
"Daddy? Why are you sobbing?"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
The son of Psycho Dad really regrets his choice in clothes

Best of sonicfrog
ORA: At first, they thought he was a little young for the job, but when they saw his superior stewardess skills, the H.R. guys at P.C. Air hired him on the spot!!!

Best of Oiao
In these hard economic times, litt'l Jimmy had his first memorable epithany; he now understood why there was suddenly food on the table and that he and the food were directly related to that gobbly-gook term of NAMBLA his parents kept talking about.

Best of Dactyl
The real reason Anakin Skywalker turned to the dark side.

Best of prince of leaves
At first I laughed at this kid. But then I felt ashamed when I realized that he probably wasn't blind, after all.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
A lightbulb goes off above Columbo's head... little Ralph dropped out of daycare just before little Ruthie turned up at kindergarten!

Best of molson
I feel pretty and witty and ghey.

Best of metalgarth
The Disney Princess thing is going for a different demographic next year.

Best of blue
"...and when I grow up I want to wear pink undies & be in a Thursday Caption This photo!!!"

Best of dadoctah
Early photos may suggest why all Disney cartoon characters either start off or end up orphaned.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Brender Sent Me This OctoMom Thingy

Brender

1. As demonstrated by the dismal ratings failure of Kinky Daycare, TLC is running seriously short of Reality TV show ideas.

2. "Gather round, kindergartners. Now, the next item in your Obama Sex Ed Curriculum, the 'Dirty Sanchez.'"

3. Long story short, no one ever wanted to play with *that* Ken doll ever again.

4. "Dollhouse, playhouse, outhouse... what's the difference?"

5. "Seriously, if there is anything sinful about our situation, may a blinding white light strike us both down."

Best of Adriane
"Jesus Christ, Ang!" was about all Tom Hanks could manage after reading the new Big script.

Best of Jack Reacher
Some mortgage modification programs are...unorthodox.

Best of Dr. Doom
The Congressional 'Day Care' now provides personalized service for stressed out representatives. It is another in a long list of perks we will never see under health care reform...

Best of Submariner
David Duchovny is starring in a remake of Hansel and Gretel, eh?

Best of Double the U
It took Octomom four weeks before she noticed it wasn't actually one of her children.

Best of Rodney Dill
My Little Pony -- The Enumclaw Edition.

Best of blue
Who's that whipping up some fun?
Who's the gal with the swollen tum?
Who's the gal that reproduces for fun??
Octo Mom! Octo Mom!

Best of Vinney
Mistress Lorraine was a favorite Careers' Day at Key West High School.

Best of Dactyl
It was a bit of a surprise when Ellen Page and Tom Selleck agreed to star in Roman Polanski's adaptation of "The Three Little Pigs."

Best of prince of leaves
Jim thought Octomom's corset was sexy, until she loosened the laces and her uterus sagged out from under it and down onto the floor.

Best of BigBren1650
Ashton Kutscher takes Demi Moore's act of "robbing the cradle" a little too literally
.
Best of GregMan
Fortunately, just then the Hydrogen Bomb exploded.

Best of Matt the K
Wrong, Parts 372 through 943.

dub Repellent


1. Baltar, Boomer, Six, and D'anna... if Battlestar Galactica had been set in Tennessee.

2. "Welcome to hell, dub. You may now choose your consort for all eternity. Bear in mind, only the one on the far left is devoid of body fat."

3. Bertha's friends silently resented being trapped behind her event horizon.

4. One of the Safe School czar's next initiatives will be to even out the nation's gay-dude-to-fat-chick ratios.

5. Sometimes, Kyle wished Winona Ryder and Christian Slater would show up at his high school just to thin out the herd.

Best of dadoctah
Whose idea was it to cast Ken Jennings as Bosley on the new "Charlie's Angels"?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
As populations of more and more small towns dwindle, it was bound to happen sooner or later... somewhere, a nerd was going to be named Homecoming King AND have 3 dates for the prom.

Best of Rodney Dill
Ellen Degeneres (left) Prom picture

Best of blue
In East Cornfields, Kansas, Kyle the pimp shows off his stable of bitches

Best of Jack Reacher
A high school-era photo of the MSNBC prime time cast.

Best of dub
"Welcome to hell, dub. You may now choose your consort for all eternity."
I'll take the 2nd one from the left. I wont be happy, but at least my laundry will look fantastic.
ATDHE

Best of Submariner
Let me guess;
Chaz Bono's Prom Posse Picture?

Best of Vinney
It's nice to see Carrie Fisher getting some moral support to attend her first Jenny Craig meeting.

Best of Dactyl
Dude thought bubble: "She said if I keep doing the robot she'll eat me last."

Best of dadoctah
Goin' gangsta, Provo style!

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Two Dudes, One Cup


1. No tattoos or piercings? Those guys are either Mormons or this photo is from the eighties.

2. "Liked your action priming the keg pump. You doing anything later?"

3. "Thanks for covering for me, Lance. Who knew Man-On-Man Productions had such a strict drug testing policy."

4. "I couldn't help but notice your farts are silent... it's not often you meet a true virgin at these parties."

5. LOST epilogue: Kate was very disappointed to learn that Jack's ideal vision of heaven was ... not what she expected.

Best of dub
If you just pooped in the cup, why is it still white?? Oh....

Best of blue
The Gay Boys In Bondage softball team announces their starting pitcher & catcher.

Threadwinner: Submariner
What a coincidence! - The Secretary of State is ironing MY shirts, too!

Best of Dactyl
Guy-in-background thought bubble: "And me wearing a Packers cap. Ironic."

L N Degenerate


1. "So, Joanie, you ever see a grown woman naked?"

2. "Babe, someone's gonna drown in those of yours."

3. "Next on Ellen, Remember the boy who sang Lady Ga-Ga from last year? Well, he's back, and he's made some ... not unexpected changes."

4. "So, what are you going to be when you grow up, a golf pro or a gym teacher?"

5. "Well, Heather, let's talk and then we'll bring out your two mommies."

Threadwinner: Jack Reacher
"I need an Adult! Okay, a different adult!"

Best of Submariner
Sorry, Ms Degenerate, but I just can't see waiting for you until I'm 18. I mean, you'll be like 80 or something and I want my wife to be as hot as I am. Nice touch getting on your knee, though...

Best of dub
Even the children on here have double chins. You win Ronald McDonald.

Best of jj
Now never-mind what that pig O'Donnell says. When you get your boobies, you come see me....

Best of Double the U
Oh, so you are the one person that still finds my little dance funny?

Best of Dactyl
For me?

Monday, February 07, 2011

Dumb and Dumbererererer

Al


1. With a heavy sigh, Biden prepares to explain... again, and with smaller words ... why a Beer Summit with the Muslim Brotherhood is a non-starter.

2. "So, no one can think of any other ideas to stimulate the economy except another trillion in deficit spending? OK, we'll go with that."

3. "Everyone loves your Marlene Dietrich impression, Mr. President."

4. "No, Mr. President... if I have four apples and I give you two apples, we have not created or saved 4,000,000 apples. Let's try again."

5. Biden. "You guys are new, so you should know, we don't talk about eficits-day in the esence-pray of the oron-may."

Best of GregMan
O'bambi is struck by a massive case of ennui just as Sarah Palin rides towards the White House.

Best of JohnS1959
"Blah, blah, destabilization of middle eastern.., blah, blah", thought the President, "I need a vacation..."

Best of Vinney
""Jeez, I can see why you invited Bill O'Reilly to this Super Bowl Party. No one else is here."

Best of dub
Therefore Barrack, the best way to deal with Mubarak is to....uh, you wanna get your feet of my f*cking coffee table?

Best of jj
Biden to chairman o, "No you can't send Jay Cutler to Iraq".

Best of dadoctah
"We really need to see about getting some chicks in here."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
So what you're saying, Joe, is that nothing going on in Egypt is about me? Ho-kay. I'm bored.

Best of Submariner
So what are we going to do tonight, Pinky?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In this episode of the Odd Couple, Felix tries to convince Oscar to stop picking his nose and wiping it on the arm of the chair. Then they argue over who gets to boink which Pigeon sister.

Best of sonicfrog
ORA: The Emperor Ming: Klytus, I'm bored. What play thing can you offer me today?
Klytus: An obscure dynamic system, your majesty. The inhabitants of Earth refer to it as the entire world economy...

Best of molson
So let me understand this. For healthcare to be truly universal, it needs an additional 10,000 pages of exemptions and exclusions for special interests? OK. I'm on it.

Best of Jack Reacher
"So what I suggest, Barack--may I call you Barack? Thanks--is we get you into a whole-life policy with the escalator clause we talked about, and then consider a variable annuity product as an add-on."

Best of dub
Frankly Mr President, I'm just happy to see that you took the plastic furniture covers off for the photo shoot.

Best of Dactyl
Knowing how much influence Big O has in Hollywood, Little B tries to pitch yet another screenplay. ("Threat Level Midnight" featuring Secret Agent Joe Briden.)

How do you spell "incompetence?"


1. "Look, an original copy of the Bill of Rights. I crossed out wherever it said 'right' and wrote 'poop.'"

2. "Bill Ayers would be so proud. This is the best manifesto EVER!"

3. "You look great, Congressman Frank. Have a great time at the ball."

4. "So are you Kagan, Albright, or Napolitano? I swear I can't tell you guys apart."

5. "All right, I've written 'I will not destroy the economy' 100 times. Can I go now?"

Best of jimmy
Elena, thanks for coming over. If I'm going to sign the deed to the White House over to China, I'll need a notary.

Best of dadoctah
"An autograph? I'm flattered. Would you be kind enough to give me yours in return, Mr Lovitz?"

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
The president was delighted that the connect-the-dots drawing was a bunny.

Best of Oiao
"There! This Presidential Order will ensure that every white child will be forever saddled with a black child in his or her back!"

Best of molson
There... now we're just a few dykes away from our dystopian paradise.

Best of dub
Hey thats cool...no matter where you stand in room, it looks like George Washington is crying.

Best of Submariner
That ought to do it; now spend freely and turn this office into the command room of a Klingon Bird of Pray. Can't wait to see Netanyahu's face when he sees it...

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes. I can definitely declare you Queen of the Court."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Ok, OK, I'll sign it for you", said the President, "I don't even want to know what you are going to do with Ellen Degeneres and a little girl to be named later..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"...and this means you're pre-approved for a line of credit. Those new pants suits are as good as yours."

Best of Dactyl
Tell you what, Kagan. I've been working on this damn Sudoku puzzle since the middle of the campaign. You help me finish it and I'll nominate you for the Supreme Court.

Sunday, February 06, 2011

For a Minute There, I Thought I Might Not Get to Post This



Steelers fans, if it makes you feel any better, just take this from the POV that Packers fans are being mocked.

The Lorelei Syndrome

Sondra K




Best of blue
Sarah likes her new Sybian Saddle so much that she is leaving politics and just riding her horse every day.

Best of dadoctah
Worst. Feminine hygiene commercial. Ever.

Best of Rodney Dill
I've been through the desert on a horse with no political aspirations...
It felt good to be out of the rain



Who's that riding into the sun.
Who's the gal with the itchy gun.
Who's the gal who kills for fun!
Grizzly Mom! Grizzly Mom!
She sleeps with a gun, but she loves her son.
Killed Debbie Stabenow 'cause she weighed a ton... Grizzly Mom!

A little touched or so we're told
Killed Katie Couric 'cos she had a cold
Might as well she was gettin' old
Grizzly Mom! Grizzly Mom! Grizzly Mom!

She's quick with a gun and her job ain't done.
Killed 99 hobos by twenty-one, Grizzly Mom!

Who's that riding in the snowmobile?
Who's that clubbing baby seals?
Who's grinding up hippies under her wheels?
Grizzly Mom! Grizzly Mom! Grizzly Mom!

Who's the tall, dark stranger there.
The one with the gun and the icy stare.
The one with the scalp of Tina Fey's hair!
Grizzly Mom! Grizzly Mom! Grizzly Mom!

Who's that riding across the plain?
Who's lost count of the bums she's slain?
Who's the gal who's plumb insane?
Grizzly Mom! Grizzly Mom! Grizzly Mom!

She's a stand-up dame, but she hates the lame.
She's not elite, but she's got game, She's Grizzly Mom!

Bestest President Evah in a Plaid Jacket


1. "So, what's it going to take to put you into that 1998 Saturn today?"

2. "According to Nancy, Leo is in conjunction with Sagittarius, so, it's as good day to wear plaid."

3. Nowadays, we have 'Talk Like a Pirate Day,' but in the eighties, everyone observed 'Dress Like Herb Tarlek Day.'

4. ORA: So, Steve Martin was wrong.

5. "What's this about a giant tsunami about to wipe out the West Coast?"

Best of blue
"...and after the Indiana game, Bobby Knight gave me this jacket!"

Best of Oiao
Ron saying: "And I'm telling you. You will never find anything from IKEA in my office!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"..and then Gorby had the nerve to ask if I got my jacket on the ash-heap of history."

Best of Jack Reacher
"About the only thing left from Carter's administration is the Education Department. Well, and the suits, of course."

Best of GregMan
"Look, you're the chief of my Secret Service detail. I don't care how you do it, just GET THOSE KIDS OFF MY LAWN!"

Best of Oiao
Ron: "Well you can just tell that young punk Governor from Arkansas to go to hell!"

Best of Spin
Mr. President, we caught young Ron and some kid named Rahm dressed up in tutus again.


Best of JohnS1959
"Well now, suppose you were the leader of the Evil Empire, and you were trying to get an arms pact signed", said Mr. Reagan, "And you got kicked to the curb in front of the entire world by a guy wearing this jacket. How would that make you feel?"

Best of dadoctah
His facial deformities covered in thick makeup, The Joker infiltrates the front desk at Commissioner Gordon's office!

Best of Submariner
This practical joke will take a while to soak in to that wooden head, but I think I just convinced the new rube from Tennessee that the polar ice caps were melting because of fossil fuels...

Saturday, February 05, 2011

And now, something for the ladies...



1. So far the bidding is a full scholarship to Harvard and a new BMW from a Massachusetts congressman versus a vacation beach house if Army of Mom and Divine Miss M can get approval for the mortgage.

2. The straight A's from Mrs. LeTourneau's class suddenly make perfect sense.

3. "Hey, Kyle... some guy named Calvin Klein wants to name his yacht and a new line of cologne after you."

4. "Yes, I am Dick Cheney's secret love child! How did you know?"

5. Kyle's wrestling strategy never failed. He just got on top and thought of Katie Perry. Most opponents conceded instantly.

Beast of Submariner
...and I can smooth down my cowlick with my tongue, too!

Beast of Oiao
Kyle was really 'up' for his first male-female state mandated wrestling match.

Beast of Carpe Phlogiston
Between the inflatable dildo and a mouthguard with a winking 3rd eye, Harvey took "psyche out your opponent" to a whole new level.

Beast of Vinneh
Joey was known as the Python and it wasn't for his constriction hold. Nudge, nudge, know what I mean.

Beast of Dr. Doom
Suddenly Coach Johnson realized it was a bad idea to substitute Cialis for the teams' normal steroid regimen...

Friday, February 04, 2011

Sexual Harassment at the Itty Bitty Kitty Committee

Hazel Nut Delight


1. Even Kittehs embrace the Ace-of-Spades lifestyle and spend their Caturdays chasing tail.

2. "Aw, c'mon baby, don't be like that," begged Barack Kitteh. "Let meh hold you down and screw you like an independent middle class voter."

3. Chuck Schumer kitteh mistakes another kitteh's butthole for a TV camera.

4. And the little black kitteh heads directly into the unescapable vortex of a "Rectum? Dang near killed 'em" Joke.

5. Little black kitteh wasn't prepared for little gray kitteh's power-fart.

Threadwinner: sonicfrog
Chuck Schumer kitteh mistakes another kitteh's butthole for one of the three branches of government!

Best of dub
Damn you Google....you know this is not what I meant when I searched for "young tight pussy".

Best of dub
Black cat thought bubble: "Does Richard Gere know you took his gerbil?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Black Cat Thawtbubble: No brakes! This is not going to "end" well!
A cat-ASS-trophe is about to occur.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"STOP WINKING AT ME!"

Best of Submariner
C'mon, baby; you KNOW you want some of this...