Monday, January 31, 2011

Bringing Good Things, Et c....


1. Obama takes time off from his busy golf and partying schedule to check progress on the First Lady's customer vibrator.

2. "Jet Turbines? No, this is one of eight pieces of 'public sculpture' purchased with the last $4 Billion of Stimulus Cash, Mr. President. It's called 'Fallen Pagoda.'"

3. "Well, Mr. President, I imagine if you threw a puppy into one of those, it would get sliced to pieces. I have a box of puppies in my office if you'd like to find out."

4. "Well, yeah, that used to be the Orgasmatron, but we hooked it up to Sarah Palin and she overloaded it."

5. "Yes, it's similar to the design we're using for the long-range stealth bombers the Chinese are building. Was that a yawn, Mr. President? If this stuff is boring, we can always talk sports."


Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Taco bell buys these to process their 88% meat..remember, Taco spelled backwards is O cat!"

Best of metalgarth
"The word that comes to mind is Doohickey"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Now that we've purchased the commercial ad rights to Mt. Rushmore, we're gonna use this router to carve that logo on George Washington's forehead.

Best of jj
Obama, "Yes, this custom made paper shredder will work fine. We'll take 200 of 'em".

Best of Adriane
"They say this cat, Shaft, is bad mother... "

Best of prince of leaves
"We don't really know what it does, or what it's for, sir...an engineer named Galt built it, but left it behind when he walked out last week."

Best of mega
"This recharger for the Chevy Volt will store conveniently in people's garages. Will $20 to your campaign fund get this into the next SOTU?"

Best of mega
"Yes, of course, Mr. President, it's pointing toward Mecca."

Best of mega
"...and if it turns out there's a market for this thing, we'll start cranking them out at our plant in Szenchen."

Best of Rodney Dill
"...then this got lodged in his ass."
"More properly, rectum..."
"Rectum? Damn near killed him."

Best of Whacko
No problem, Mr. President. We can have this titanium alloy turbine rotor carved down into a 56 degree wedge for you by Tuesday. There's plenty in stimulus money for that plus you can claim you created a few jobs."

Best of Jack Reacher
"This one's going into a Jet Blue aircraft, so we let it sit here on the platform for an extra ten hours."

Best of JohnS1959
"Yes sir", said the President of GE, "This will create over 10,000 jobs. Thanks to your leadership there will be 1200 design jobs in China, 5300 manufacturing jobs in Mexico, and around 3500 tech support jobs in India. Oh and we'll need one of those exemptions for Obamacare..."

Best of curly
Nothing to see here folks; just Obama shopping for a new ego massager.

Best of Oiao
"Mr. Obama. We put the whole potatoes into that end, add a lot of heat, and the tator-tots come out this end for the school lunch programs.

Best of GregMan
Humanity's first Warp Engine was almost ready to take mankind out to the stars when President Soetero cancelled the Manned Space Program to pay for some more union kickbacks.

Our President, the Intellectual Giant!

Brender


1. "Look! Used, it's only $4.99 and the President of Egypt should just love this."

2. "Look, maybe it's the Frank Marshall Davis in me, but I just don't get why Qui Gonn didn't brutally sodomize Anakin when he became his 'master.'"

3. About six weeks into his term, Bammy started referring to the women of the Press Corps as his 'Fly Girls.' None of them have objected.

4. Bored with tedious economic and foreign policy issues, Bammy gathers research for his epic work of fan-fic about Jar-Jar Binks being elected President of the Empire.

5. "The, um, 'Stuff White People Like' website said y'all are into this. I'm, um, trying to meet you half way, you stupid crackers!"

Best of blue
"I hope they take cash, it's so hard to get a credit card without a valid ID"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Are there picture of white women in here?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"My God... Palin was a contributing editor... how will I ever keep up with that woman.:

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Hi, I found this in the Lincoln bedroom wrapped in a Mission Accomplished banner. Can I exchange it for copy of Mein Kampf and a Best of Ella Fitzgerald CD?

Best of dub
You know M'chelle has gotten too fat lately when Barry decides to masturbate to Jabba the Hut instead.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Oh good", thought the President, "I just can't get enough of that C3P0 - he really knows how to communicate properly with foreign dignitaries!"

Best of dadoctah
"Anyone who ever said 'you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy' never had to address a joint session of Congress."

Best of jj
Blonde thought bubble, "Wait'll he finds out Costanza had that book in the bathroom".

Best of Jack Reacher
"Time magazine has compared me to Reagan, so I guess I'd better read up on this stuff."

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Sunday Guest Captions Are What We Eat

Carpe Phlogistan


1 - "Seriously Warden Jenkins, I went to sleep in a locked cell and woke up looking like this! I don't think these things will come off, do you?"

2- Thawtbubble: All I want is a chance to show I can be the best damned biased host since Keith Olbermann.

3- "Sir, I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."
If you heard him say that, would you -
a) choke on your tongue during a fit of uncontrollable laughter?
or
b) hope for a verdict of justifiable homicide from a judge with daughters of his/her own?
4- Surprisingly, even the ACLU and the EEOC were having a hard time finding a pro bono attorney to represent Clyde in his lawsuit against McDonald's HR Dept.

5- Think he'll get tired of people saying they can read him like a book?


Best of blue
Kyle's friends snickered when, after he woke up, he said "OK guys, time to wash off these temporary tattoos!"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
When this guy shows up as your daughters prom date, you remember why the second amendment is important.

Best of prince of leaves
After the picture appeared in the local paper, Sun Microsystems filed a trademark infringement lawsuit over his "third eye" tattoo.

Best of prince of leaves
"Good job, dickhead," scoffed Hitler's ghost from the bowels of Hell. "Doing the 'Master Race' proud there."

Best of sonicfrog
Although they've been cutting down the size of the product portions, Cracker Jack has doubled... no, make that tripled down on the stick'em-on tattoos!

Best of Vinney
"Think hard, Mrs. Jones. Do you remember if the perp had any distinguishing features"?

Best of sonicfrog
Noting that Kyle was not very talkative during his multiple sessions, the state appointed psychologist found him very difficult to read.....

Best of jimmy
Kyle crumbled under cross-examination when the prosecutor said the defendant's guilt was written all over his face.

Best of Oiao
I guess you won't see any black children riding on his back.

Best of Steve O
Sure, it must have hurt a lot, and he could have bought a lot of cigarettes for the cost of those tats, but just imagine the chicks he'll be able to get.

No, seriously. Just IMAGINE!

Best of Dr. Doom
Actually, Axel lived in fear that the guys would discover his 'LaTeisha' tramp stamp...

Best of Double the U
"Hello and welcome to Walmart, can I help you find anything?"

Best of dub
What? Why is everyone staring? Do I have something on my face??

Best of jj
After Senator Byrd's passing, his Secret Service bodyguard had a difficult finding another assignment.

Best of dadoctah
Striking fear into the hearts of Gotham City's underworld, Graffitiman takes to the streets!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Be Forewarned


1. Yeah, the guy from December 20, 2005 had a kid. Who knew?

2. "Hey! Number 44! Stop Undergoing Mitosis and Get Your Head in the Game!"

3. (Number 44 thawtbubble) "I hate playing against the remoras."

4. Number 44 thinks he may have overdone it on the Axe body spray.

5. "So, um, you wanna go get some breakfast or something."

Best of Oiao
Number 44 now understands the term 'laid up'!

Best of prince of leaves
The shot may have won the championship, but Coach Rivers' controversial use of a cziltang brone on the court would later be banned by the state athletic association.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
#44 love of practical jokes hit a high note when he discovered there's no rule prohibiting a jersey custom made of 100% Velcro.

Best of Submariner
For Gaia's sake; if you tell Kobe you're open, and for some unknown reason he throws it to you, you sure as hell better CATCH the damn ball!

Best of Matt the K
These Hindu teams have such an unfair advantage.

Saturday's Theme Is Basketball


1. "And if you miss this layup, I swear I'll break both your arms. Ask Tommy if you think I'm sh-tting you."

2. "Coach Sullivan, if you ask me if I need help spanking the monkey again, I'm calling Child Protective Services."

3. "Look, coach, I'm sorry I screwed up your point shaving scheme... but did you have to send the Russian Mob to break my arms?"

4. "32... 33, whatever it takes."

5. "Coach, just saying, maybe if you stopped showing us your Quonset hut designs and taught us some actual plays, we might actually win some games."

Best of Artfldgr
What? What did i just hear? Did "Simba the penis" talk to me?

Best of blue
"Look dude, if you don't stop wanking off in the shower, we'll break more than your wrists!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"34.... 34.... 34.... 34.... Bueller....Bueller...."

Best of prince of leaves
The casts made Jimmy useless on the court, but at least he would pass his boater's safety class with no problems.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Awright men, V the K's chosen Basketball as this Saturday's theme. We're up against ghey Tuesdays and girlie Thursdays so if you can't show me some really sick intercourse dribbling, hit the showers now!

Best of Submariner
Coach Twain got double duty by color-coding Billy's casts to teach him Mississippi River buoy navigation along with court management.

Best of dub
Seriously kids, dont any of you know at least ONE black guy??

Friday, January 28, 2011

He Ain't Heavy...


1. Would a 'monkey on your back' caption be considered racist?

2. "No, dude, really, it's just a pack of Mentos. Pinky swear."

3. Ricky finally found his niche as Emmanuel Lewis's personal b-tch.

4. "You call that trotting, you fat cracker? Get yo' ass movin'!"

5. "You okay back there, Shakeem? It sounded like a javelin just hit you right in the head."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Naive midwestern drug smuggler Quentin Hildergaard doesn't quite grasp the concept of using mules.

Best of blue
At the safe sex school seminar, Bobby demonstrates how to insert Tab A into Slot B....

Best of dub
Unable to get car insurance, and too lazy to walk, Kareem Abdul Jemima gets Fred to carry him to KFC for lunch.

ATDHE

Best of Robert
White Man's Burden... (I regret that but I couldn't resist).

Best of Oiao
When life is balanced on a Cracker!

Best of prince of leaves
Jimmy's unusual mole prompted many a surprised doubletake.

Altered Oiao
Pimping Your Ride: U R DOING IT WRONG EVERYWHERE BUT MASSACHUSETTS

Best of Oiao
Bummer of a birth defect, Al.

Best of Adriane
Ridley Scott had a major re-write on his hands when the early out takes from Alien showed the audience laughing hysterically at the 'backhugger' models ...

Best of mega
Ken didn't find the extra load too much to bear, and didn't even realize he was a metaphor.

Best of Submariner
Adoption delivery for Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jolie...
Mr. Pitt?
Ms. Joile?

Kickin' It Old School


1. The supercomputers on board the original Battlestar Galactica had almost 8K of RAM!

2. October 4, 1978. Bored between takes on the set of Battlestar Galactica, Marin Jensen entered cyber history by running the first ever search for "Hot Girl on Girl Action."

3. ORA: (Publicity photographer, two minutes earlier) "All right, now, I'm gonna need to pose you guys in front the one prop on the Bridge Set that isn't an oscilloscope."

4. "Hold on, guys. I just got an email from His Honorable Majesty the Finance Minister of Sagittaron. He'll pay us 300,000 cubits if we help him transfer treasury funds off the planet."

5. "All your base stars are belong to us."

Best of Silhouette
Okay, Adam and Little Joe look the same, but I didn't remember that Hoss was such a looker!

Best of GregMan
Starbuck thought bubble: "Wow, I'd really like to hit the re-imagined me!"

Best of Jack Reacher
The bank manager came out to confirm that the customer did, indeed, have a negative balance.

Best of Jack Reacher
Just unplugging this one terminal cuts off Internet access for all Egypt? Cool--Hosni says do it."

Best of Vinney
"Sir, it's not just me, I feel the male officer's uniforms are a bit "fruity."

Best of dadoctah
Great moments in cyberporn history: the invention of one-handed typing.

Best of blue
"Rumor on the set is that the show is canceled...check the internet for Community Organizer job openings.... we have to be qualified for that!""

Best of metalgarth
"You suppose we could whip up some fake TANG documents for Dan Rather on that doohickey?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ah, yes... doubt I'm the only geek who fantasized about Maren Jensen fondling MY keyboard while Laurette Spang and Anne Lockhart took turns reformatting my hard drive.

Best of prince of leaves
"With just a couple of keystrokes, I can make this thing play Hendrix, and...Col. Tigh? Are you okay?"

Best of prince of leaves
The crew began to suspect Tigh was a cylon when they discovered he had been surfing for mechanical assembly drawings on his command station.

Best of Merovign
Okay, I don't see everyone's hands and Starbuck's eyes are awful wide...

Best of mega
It turned out 300 years later that Republicans had been right all along: cutting defense would have a severe impact on military technology readiness.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Retro Computery


1. "And for maintaining perfect attendance despite having both legs severed in an unfortunate Xerox Copier accident, Joanne Lefkovsky is Bell Labs June, 1965 Employee of the Month."

2. "Oh, boy," what crazy leap had Sam Beckett gotten into this time?

3. Having typed "All work and no play makes Jill a dull girl" 50,000 times, Joanne was ready to start the killing spree.

4. When things got slow at the office, Joanne typed up weird, vaguely depraved captions and posted them under pictures in Ladies Home Journal. Co-workers regarded her as odd.

5. Because her characteristics were not of "a highly stimulating nature," Joanne was never given the password to the bomb shelter.

Best of Double the U
"No... I didn't bring any unauthorized personal into the office and try to hide them, why do you ask?"

Best of prince of leaves
Merlene listened with bemused disbelief to the time traveler's description of the new "ARPANET" project's future as a globe-spanning conduit for pornography -- who would ever find a cartoon-like arrangement of chads on a punch-card titillating?

Best of jimmy
Edna was later dismissed when her boss found her seated on the dot matrix printer, her stolen moment of ecstasy bringing her career to an abrupt end.

Best of dadoctah
Once a month, I get a letter from Mom filling me in on what's happening with my secret half-sister who wants to go into television.

Best of Nose
...hoping Army of Mom has that outfit...

Best of blue
In the 1960's IBM would hire women engineers and put them out front where the clients could see them.

Best of Dr. Doom
The IBM 1967 Product Wall Calendar was not the sales booster that the suits had envisioned...

Best of metalgarth
Choosing the "best ofs" was much more labor intesive back when mainframes were the industry standard.

Best of Army of Dad
Even in the 60s some women didn't have to worry about being sexually harassed at work.

Best of jj
In this undated photo, a young Aileen Wuornos is shown on the day she was fired by a Fl bank. She then decided to go to a bar for a drink.

Best of Matt the K
"Danger, Will Robinson!! Butterfaced twig ahead!!"

Best of GregMan
"Hey, look, the Finance Minister of British East Africa wants to wire me 5 million British pounds!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me..."
Edith finally gets up the nerve to publish her fantasy, and it's a doozy.

Best of mega
To think, all that computer code just to ... oh wait, that's the health care bill.

Best of Merovign
Whatever else you say about the quality of modern civilization, our Geek Chick standards have improved considerably.

Best of Submariner
"Why yes, Uncle Walter, I'd LOVE to play 'Reporter in the Street' with you again. Bring that big ol' microphone in your hand over here."

Best of Rodney Dill
In the early days of computing, Grace Hopper was considered a real hottie.

I am Naughty, Naughty am I


1. Next on Mad Men, Don Draper "nails" the IBM account.

2. Gary and Wyatt soon realized that the December 1964 issue of Vogue was not the ideal template for their babe machine.

3. "Cool, an IBM 360. Too bad there's that yellow thing blocking the view," said about half the guys V the K hung out with in college.

4. ORA: "One down, four to go," said Thomas J. Watson, apocryphally.

5. This day in cyber history, 1964: Edna Loebmeyer, the office whore, becomes the first human to infect a computer with a virus.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I've been EBCDIC'ed"

Best of metalgarth
ORA: It turns out that back in the 60s, the internet wasn't made of cats, cats, cats.

Best of Vinney
The Wizard of Oz shouted, "Pay no attention to that person behind the main frame."

Best of jj
"What's computer porn and why do I have to take my clothes off?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"I could have cleaned up that Stuxnet thing, but the veil I had to wear kept jamming the disk drives."

Best of Jack Reacher
"All set. This software should be fine through 1999, and I'm sure it will all be rewritten well before then."

Best of HLam
Martha tests a prototype Full Body Scanner. Years after each of her 8 kids will be born with 3 arms, a leg, and an eye in the back of their head.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Apple introduces the new IHole - telephone, computer & outhouse - all in one!

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: All the girls at ICON found something irresistible in Proteus IV.

Best of dadoctah
...and to think, all Admiral Hopper found was a moth!

Best of jimmy
Y'all are gonna kill me, but I can't figure out which button flushes the darn thing. Which...oh, really!? Oh, is my face red!

Best of mega
The 300 baud modems were deemed sufficient to handle Internet traffic once the FCC implements Net Neutrality.

Threadwinner: Matt the K
Outtake from IBM's "Laugh-In"-inspired industrial film: "Modem?...I didn't even know'im!!!

Best of Mr Hankey
'60's porn classic - "Behind The Blue Door"

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Hooter Boys


1. The Thailand "Lady-Boy" fad was an unwelcome import to American Culture.

2. Ricky knew he looked fabulous in his halter top, but still, he felt broken inside.

3. In an effort to win over the media, the FLDS Polygamy Cult announced this week it approved of gay marriage.

4. The Safe School Czar approved designs for mandatory school uniforms this week.

5. A new shipment of "Male-Order Brides" arrives in Provincetown.

Best of Matt the K
Harry Dean Stanton and Natalie Merchant guest star in a very special 'Skins'

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Victoria's Secret loses key legal battle. Execs from Sports Illustrated and the Boy Scouts express shock and dismay. Stay tuned.

Best of jj
The Daily Kos representatives arrive for obama's State of the Union Address.

Best of Double the U
After a day on CPUSA red bus tour the participants like the take off their red shirts and relax.

Best of dadoctah
The Mouseketeers celebrate "Anything Can Happen" Day.

Best of Artfldgr
Gender Dysphorics are the new metrosexuals....

Best of Artfldgr
Tad and Jimbo had lived in a civil arrangement for years and are so glad they are now able to adopt

Best of Rodney Dill
Bears fans showing an incredible degree of sportsmanship in the face of their loss to the Packers.

Best of Spin
Chris Collinsworth displays first genuine smile evah!

He-she on left... not so much.

Best of Adriane
Army of Mom has the bestest garage sales!!!

Best of Dr. Doom
Coach Smail's plan to get the girls volleyball team naked worked perfectly. Coach Johnson seemed a little too into it though...

Best of jj
The Jay Cutler Fan Club has its first meeting...

Best of Whacko
Young Commies of Amerika have to undergo a week of hazing before being issued their red signature T-shirts.

All the Eye Bleach In The World Will Not Sweeten This Image


1. The Fire Island Players recreate classic Life magazine covers. Be glad I didn't use their rendition of the Flag Raising on Iwo Jima. Be very glad.

2. The real reason gay teenagers commit suicide.

3. "Hey, why don't we go back to my place for some sick intercourse. Oh, wait, this is Massachusetts. Let's just have it right here."

4. "Nice concept but could we get some younger actors, like 14 or so," said an MTV producer who would later roast in hell for all eternity.

5. Not an Ang Lee remake, just some home videos from his last vacation.

Best of dadoctah
"...and then the corporate retreat got -- well -- out of hand."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
And they're off! The San Francisco Bay ABC Gum Relay gets off to a sloppy start.

Best of Rodney Dill
The boys named Sioux.

Best of Rodney Dill
Screw you, we work for Mel Brooks.

Best of Vinney
A new Episcopalian bishop greets one of his flock.

Best of divine miss m
Semi-Naked Gayboy Wednesday proved as popular as Shirtless Fat Guy Tuesday.

Best of dadoctah
"Spritle and Chim-Chim! Just *what* do you think you're doing?!"

Best of Adriane
Few people knew that the history of gays in the tea party movement goes all the way back to ... well, the Tea Party...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Hooray! We finally found an outfit that AoM *doesn't* have in her closet!"

Monday, January 24, 2011

The BO Commie Boy Fan Club

Related: Young Commie Road Trip!


1. "So, are there any chicks at this Young Democrats meeting that don't look like Janeane Garofalo on a bad hair day?"

2. MSDNC's interns hoped that once Olbermann was gone, the mandatory dress code might be relaxed a bit, but Rachel Maddow said "No way!"

3. "Hey!" said the typical, unionized, American public school educator. "Stop trying to suck up to me! Oh, who am I kidding, A pluses for all of you!"

4. "All the smart kids, jocks, and cheerleaders have been put up against the wall and shot. Long live the Revolution!"

5. Those who were rejected from MTV's Skins, were offered employment with 'Rock the Vote.'

Best of blue
These four guys know the words to the theme song to the movie "Battle on Shangganling Mountain.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"..and after we lead this country in a cultural revolution, Justin Bieber will be our bitch!"

Best of Double the U
The photo of the nice hotel conference after a fine meal was taken on an Iphone, emailed to all their friends, viewed using the latest tablet PCs, and printed out with high quality glossy paper and ink. DAMN YOU CAPITALISM!

Best of Dr. Doom
The Glee Club at UC Berkeley had special shirts made for their recital. Unfortunately the vendor ran out of pink for some reason...

Best of Artfldgr
We figure if he wins, we are better for having worn the shirts, and if he loses, everyone will think its sarcasm...

Threadwinner: Silhouette
It turns out the Arizona Shooting Memorial Service free t-shirts were reversible.

Best of Army of Dad
Whatch out boys, the two guys above are looking to hammer your sickles.

L to R: William Shatner, Barbra Streisand, Steve Martin, and Hugo Chavez

Blondie

1. "It's all right. Women are often taken aback upon meeting Kuato for the first time."

2."You guys want to make an 'Eiffel Tower' with me? OK, but I hope you brought an Erector Set."

3. "I'll take on all of you guys in the back of my limo? Any takers?... Any takers besides Chavez?"

4. Where will you be when your botox wears off?

5. "So, if we're all elites, how come none of us make as much money as Sarah Palin?"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"OK boys, I'm in room 1600, why don't all 3 of you join me....."

Best of JohnS1959
"And then I said, why do you care what it costs Barry, the media will say it is George Bush's fault anyway - come on buddy get with the program", chortled Hillary.

Best of Dr. Doom
"And then, I kid you not, he bowed to the Asian hat check girl and apologized for the economic plight of Central American Hispanics", related the Secretary of State.

Best of VInney
"Never heard of it? It's called fisting, Mrs. Clinton. Ask your husband about it."

Best of Dirty Bob
Hillary is forced onto her knees as Chavez whips out his "negotiation tool".

Best of jj
Marv Albert, on the left, asks Hillary if he can bite her back.

Best of Dr. Doom
"So stop me if you've heard this one", quipped Hillary, "A South American dictator, a White House Intern, and Nancy Pelosi walk into a gay bar..."

(That's not a joke, that was the scene on U Street after the State of the Union let out - V)

Best of Mr Hankey
Hillary collects after they all whip it out.

Best of Army of Dad
"derp"

Best of any mouse
"OK boys, make me watertight!!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Word is, she can hold her own in any belching or farting contest.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Sure he's clean and articulate, but he's also a socialist. You'd love him, Hugo!"

Best of dadoctah
The cast of MTV's "The State" have really let themselves go. Especially Kerri Kenney.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Well, of course I'll pass your recommendation along to Barack, sir, wink wink. What? No, I'm not just saying that, upraised middle finger."

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sunday Guest Captions

Guesties: Carpe Phlogistan


1. Worst L'oreal Face Rejuvenation Cream commercial ever. (btw, this is the After photo... you do not want to see the Before)
2. In protest of blackface actors, geographically-challenged Leroy Vintoobah portrays George Washington crossing the Delaware River while singing "Carry Me Back to Old Virginny" to the liberal crowd at Wolf Trap Theater.
3. Once again, Burton ruins it for all the other crackheads by snorting the whole bag.
4. Chef-in-training Tyronne Putz learns not to test for doneness by sticking his finger in a Pillsbury popover.
5. Fans of Rush Limbaugh were shocked when his pancake makeup began to fall off under the hot studio lights.


Best of Oiao
"I F-CKING LOVE COCAINE!"



Just had to!

Best of David
"Where da cosmetically-white women at?"

Best of prince of leaves
Captured on film: the exact moment when Barbra Streisand's makeup assistant decided to give up and turn in his gunnite sprayer for good.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I'll kill and eat the first sumbitch that calls me a chalk-faced whore!"

Best of Mr Hankey
Kenya's The Bachelorette is disqualified after eating suitors.

Best of mega
Bob blew his last $4,000 on tooth bleaching, and felt great about the results.

Best of Army of Dad
I love the smell of volcano in the morning.

Best of Matt the K
Denzel Washington is Commandant " Ilsa in Ilsa the She-Wolf VII: Chalk Face Whores oh the Congo"

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Steampunk Palin

Picked up a copy of Steampunk Palin at my local comic shop today. Suck it, haters!

More Retro Soap Saturday



1. "Don't worry. It happens to all men, sometimes."

2. "Speaker Boehner, really, at some point you need to stop crying."

3. "There, there... hey, listen, there were 61 captions submitted to the Vulcan make-out pic. I'm sorry none of yours made 'Best of' but competition gets brutal when there are that many submissions."

4. "There, there, Mr. Olbermann. You can still get a gig on Al Gore's Current network. If that's still around. Is that still around? Let me get back to you."

5. Zaphod was po'd that the new head was installed backwards and female, but after a few Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters, he was like, "Why the Hell not?"

Best of Submariner
There, there; I promise I'll keep our toddler away from your Lego's from now on...

Best of prince of leaves
"At long last!" Rachel sighed in relief. "An orthodontist who can fix my freakish overbite!"

Best of metalgarth
He thinks: "this is so much better than my Inflatable M'Chele Obama doll"
She thinks: "where can I get an Inflatable Rubber Cowboy"

Best of jimmy
Rachel thoughtbubble: "What a surprise! But which ex-husband is he? Oh, lord. which one? Think, Rachel, think!"

--or--

"It's okay, Jamie. I know how much you loved watching Olbermann every night. I'm sure we can find you someone equally insane to obsess over."

Best of Dr. Doom
Steve was wondering if he might get to second base tonight. Barbara was wondering if she had left her vibrator running in the cloak room again...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thawtbubble - Oh great, my fake boobs are making that crinkly/crunching/sloshing sound again. When will they make a silicone bag that doesn't DO that??

Best of jimmy
"There there, Mr. Speaker. It'll be okay. Everyone knows that mean ol' Nancy's just jealous because you can still move your face."

Best of Kaptain Krude
Dual thought bubble: "I wonder if I left the iron on?"

Friday, January 21, 2011

What's in your toboggan?

Brender

Q. Why doesn't St. Paul have a professional football team?
A. Because then Minneapolis would want one!


1. The Knights who Say Ni cope with Global Warming.

2. The DVD release of Sarah Palin's Alaska contains deleted footage deemed Not Suitable for Basic Cable.

3. "I F-CKING LOVE COCAINE!"

4. MTV never again invited Al Gore to host Spring Break.

5. Horny and disappointed... this is either these guys, dub on Thursday, or Sonic Frog on Tuesday.

Best of Oiao
Picture taken moments before the photographer was gored to death.

Best of Submariner
Sure, the trip to the concession stand is fun for Vikings fans, but then you have to trudge back up to your seat...

Best of Adriane
A! If de mom were a servin' de lutfisk, I'd also be a sleddin' away as fast as de snow would be allowin' ...

Best of Dactyl
There's a metaphor for Brett Favre's career in here somewhere...

Best of Passionate Conservative
The scene just before a Viking Funeral

Best of Adriane
$50 says 'Erik! hold my Krönleins!' was uttered just prior to snapping this picture...

Best of Vinney
Ever since they made curling an olympic event, some of the events are just too outrageous.

Best of metalgarth
WORST. BLACK METAL. VIDEO. EVER

Best of Submariner
Unfunded and poorly trained, the Greenland bobsled team never really had much of a chance, but they sure had fun competing.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
As Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest and Dummy soared over the cliff at 126MPH, they were heard blaming each other for spilling beer and chili on page 7 (Brakes and Steering) of the construction manual.

Best of mega
"We've come here to re-establish the Danelaw." Socialists around the world felt tremendously empowered by Obama's surge to 52 % in the latest polls.

Hillary Toasts the Butchers of Beijing

Sondra K


1. When you check into a hospital because your Viagr@ erection has lasted more than four hours, this is the picture they show you.

2. "Damn it!" Chris Matthews seethed. "I wanted to drink the president's urine from a crystal glass!"

3. All the Vulcan chicks in the universe making out will not erase this image from your mind.

4. "And now, a toast to America's most powerful woman, who achieved her great power, influential and political success completely on her own merits and not by riding on her husband's coat-tails. Here's to you, Sarah Palin."

5. "Oh sweet lord, she's getting *that* look in her eye," thought Bill. He wondered if he another self-induced a heart attack would get him out of sex again.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host."

Best of Submariner
Hilary toasts the non-image, floating glass in the mirror.

Best of Submariner
As I watched Hilary toast Emperor Palpatine, it struck me;
Didja ever notice how proteges tend to look like their mentors?

Best of prince of leaves
"Mr. President, you simply must try this pinot grigio...the hint of almonds makes it quite special."


Best of mega
"...and that settles the matter with John Rall. Now who was the other Whitewater judge, again?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The first woman to actually have wrinkles tattooed around her eyes for that freakish look one needs to pal around with despots and dictators.


Best of Kaptain Krude
"I expect you to die, Mr. Bond." James felt a cold chill race down his spine as the corpulent villain drained the last of her glass and turned for the door, leaving behind only her deep throaty laugh stinging in his ears.

Best of GregMan
"Mmm, nothing like drinking the distilled tears of Amerikkka's children and listening to ChiCom propaganda music to get me into the mood."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Dontcha hate it when someone who owes you lots of money shows their excessive waste right in front of you? Kind of like having a state dinner for Chinese diplomats and serving $199 a bottle wine?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

How A-Peeling.

Hello, Shiny Black Latex Butt



Best of John.....just John
Boy, "Octomom" will do just about anything to pay her rent these days.

Best of Submariner
Why am I waiting like this? Are you kidding? Did you see the balance those Golden's had in their accounts?!?!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The Permanent, Vulcanized Body Condom by Trojan
For conservatives... when abstinence just isn't enough.

Best of dadoctah
Sondra has her own subtle way of protesting the TSA's enhanced patdowns.

Best of Artfldgr
When john told us he was getting one of those latex blow up dolls we laughed. then we saw Jane and john laughed. then we pointed out Jane had no holes, and we laughed...

Best of prince of leaves
As the disastrous Lake Michigan floodwaters finally receded, Chicagoans discovered "Cloud Gate" was only the exposed portion of a much bigger sculpture.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Hmm, this new Black Widow movie puzzles and intrigues me.

Best of dub
BP tries a bold new advertising strategy, showing the up side to oil slicks.

Best of Oiao
Wow. Latex really does hide the cellulite!!!!! Hillary should wear one of these!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Dogs at a Bank of ATM's

Ace


1. It's like dub's posts on Thursdays, bitch... bitch... bitch...

2. "Hey Rex, how 'bout those Vulcan chicks, huh? Talk about giving a dog a bone."

3. "See ya later, Rex. I gotta go tell that mailman who lives next door to kill all the whores."

4. Yellow dogs... cash machine... there's a metaphor for congressional Democrats in there somewhere.

5. "No way! 1-2-3-4 is my PIN number too!"

Best of JohnS1959
This is exactly why you should never give your seeing eye dog access to your pin number...

Best of HLam
Not being able to withdraw any cash for the bitch bar, Rex silently cursed himself for using his ATM card as a chew toy.

Best of dub
Stupid Google...this is NOT what I meant when I searched for "Doggy-style ATM".

Best of GregMan
As is well known, HSBC stands for "Hey, Sniff my Butt, Cracker!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
"Hey...this is just like using that voting machine back in '08!"

Best of Submariner
Easy money-making scheme:
Wait for the cash to begin deploying and yell "Squirrel!"

Threadwinner: Jack Reacher
"Uh oh; Initech is going to freak when they're missing $300,000."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Damn.... where do the cats come out?"

Best of Silhouette
Obviously, a Savings And Bone.

Best of metalgarth
How did YOU think they got the money for the poker game?

Best of jj
Typical democrats....standing around in heat expecting money to magically appear...

Best of dadoctah
It was bad enough that they always had instructions in Braille on ATMs, but now they're letting service dogs use them?

Best of Artfldgr
Duke of Bush's baked beans eat your heart out...

Best of Adriane
So it's agreed ... we take all of our money out of the bank and bury it in the backyard ...

Feeling just like Buddy Holly

Wouldn't You Like to Know?


1. Weezer returns from their tour of Thailand.

2. Yea! Prom dates for everyone!

3. Jeez, even a total mook knows you don't wear black socks with a wife-beater.

4. It's been 19 years since Wayne's World came out, Garth got around, apparently.

5. "So, after we get done with this 'Ladies of Lenscrafters' spread, who'd like to join Hef's Harem."

Best of Dr. Doom
The Men in Black had their hands full (really really full) once the Vorgon hit squad made earthfall...

Best of Double the U
Remember, they make the worst looking one take the picture.

Best of blue
Dorthy Parker was right: "Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses."

Best of Matt the K
Larry Bud Melman is alive and well and f**kin' STACKED.

Best of Matt the K
"Dub's Angels" never made it past the pilot stage.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The Official Jared Loughner Fan Club sends pictures to the prison, much to the chagrin of jailhouse guards who check incoming mail.

Best of Submariner
The Dawn-ettes made just about as good an impression as dub's appearance as a guest judge on "Biggest Loser."

Best of Dactyl
They say if you hang out with ugly chicks it makes you look better by comparison. The blonde on the far right is actually Joy Behar.

Best of Adriane
Pray, you tech addicted freaks and misguided sinners! Pray that human parthenogenesis never becomes a reality!!!

Best of Whacko
Paris Hilton displays her new line of tennis outfits from which she stands to make literally tens of dollars in sales,

Best of Steve O
Coyote morning at V the K's.

Best of metalgarth
Let me guess... this one sold fewer copies than Vulcan Chicks Gone Illogical

Best of Artfldgr
Little did Jane realize that the salt in the water and the latex would react and she would be trapped and at the mercy of the passing photographer...

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Your Mom on Acid

The Amok Time


1. Back in his Academy days, Will Riker used to take his holo-imager to Risa and film Vulcan Chicks Gone Illogical and sell the film to the Ferengi.

2. "Are you missing a tongue? Because I seem to have an extra one."

3. Om Nom Nom Nom Nom...

4. "How about some role-playing? I'll be the stern Romulan prison guard and you be the naughty Orion slave girl?"

5. "So, whatever happened to that inflatable Uhura doll you used to have?"

Best of Dr. Doom
Vulcan mind meld - ur doin' it rong - but please carry on...

Best of GregMan
Somehow, somewhere, a Star Trek geek is sitting in his mother's basement trying to figure out whether or not this is canon.

Best of Jack Reacher
ORA: Once Harry Mudd's wives numbered in the hundreds, they had to fill their time somehow.

Best of Army of Dad
Not all blue on blue incidents are bad things.

Best of dub
Wanna go back to my place so I can give you the Spocker?

Best of dadoctah
"Transporter malfunction my ass", grumbled Captain Archer under his breath.

Best of dadoctah
Dilithium-curious.

Best of Artfldgr
Oh bugger, looking at their uniform colors, i cant tell if the light blue one is a services personnel from 2270 to 2350, or science personnel... i mean really is it two scientists or inter department?

Best of Dactyl
Army of Mom's first holodeck program.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one... Threesome?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
First Contact, or Undiscovered Country?

Threadwinner: prince of leaves
While disgusting to the sensibilities of over three dozen sentient races, the holo program "Two Vulcans, One Cup of Earl Gray, Hot" nonetheless became a viral meme across the subspace infonets.

Best of Submariner
I remember this episode of Scrubs; twas good n hot until Turk shows up as Worf...

Best of Steve O
The holodeck in "Private Browsing" mode.

Me Love You Long Time?

Note: There is a Justin Bieber movie coming out. My guess is, he'll playing the Adam Sandler part in Anger Management II. His character a spoiled little prick who punches a fan on-stage and is given "unconventional therapy" at the hands of his therapist, played by Harvey Feirstein. Ang Lee will direct.



1. The family soon came to regret taking in that exchange student from Thailand.

2. Ricky was never the same after that internship in Barney Frank's office.

3. "What can I say? John Edwards was good!"

4. "No, I don't think there have been any noticeable side effects to the use of synthetic hormones in milk. Why do you ask?"

5. Ricky was sure his audition for 'Glee' was in the bag.

Best of Dr. Doom
The gang always met at Steve's house to watch the Magic game. On this particular night, Lee Ho was looking to make a little magic of his own...

Best of Army of Dad
ORA: Randal Flagg sure gets around...

Best of molson
So I got one of those Pretty death Things earlier today. Want to try it out?

Best of Oiao
Celebrating another DADT repeal success story. 'It' will arrive at Paris Island Boot Camp next week, and this is 'Its' going away party.

Best of metalgarth
Sasquatch went through an identity crisis in high school, but thanks to strict parental guidance he turned out alright. (and very camera shy from then on)

Best of Dactyl
Every Vietnamese transsexual hooker's got to start somewhere...

Best of Mr. Hankey
I'm thinking now that perhaps you can't train every toddler boy that growing up to have big boy pants is what they really want.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Rollin'... Rollin'... Rollin' on Rivuh...

Al (and the link is sorta worth clicking on.)



1. Second or third airhead to be featured on Cap This today.

2. Biting into a Dove dark chocolate produces a totally different sensation than a York Peppermint patty.

3. Despite the valiant efforts of rescue teams, all 280 passengers on Pan-African Flight 900 were lost, partly due to the airline's funky but inadequate flotation devices.

4. "I'll rescue you, Mrs. Obama!" The mistake was understandable, really.

5. Movie Trivia: Diahann Carroll had an uncredited cameo in the Poseidon Adventure.

Best of Adriane
Mrs. Boobiworth sold a completely different syrup than Mrs. Butterworth, IYKWIMAITYD ...

Best of metalgarth
Aquaman sure has some "splaining" to do.

Best of Submariner
Ho.Ly.CRAP!
Look how wet that guy is making her!

Best of prince of leaves
That funny Taiwanese news animation has really outstripped Pixar in realism, but I just don't get what they're trying to say with this take on the opening scene of "Jaws".

Best of Jack Reacher
I see Jocelyn Elders has been teaching Red Cross courses again.

Best of prince of leaves
Larisa Smith undergoes extensive training to become United Airline's first black female autopilot.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Last ditch effort to stem AIDS in Africa... forget the condoms, give the morons inflatable virgin dolls.

Best of Rodney Dill
Australian for Down Under

Best of Dr. Doom
Eventually the angry mob of gun and religion clinging mid-westerners decided to drown the President in effigy...

Best of blue
Even after throwing Michele overboard, Obama's popularity continued to decline

Best of DaveP.
As a metaphor for Barack Obama's economic policy, this works on several levels.

Best of Vinney
Adult swim takes on new meaning at the neighborhood pool.


In the Mouth of Madness

Van Helsing



1."No way, babe. That's was Billy Clinton's jaunt. I like it anal... and passive."

2. The president's last words. "Sniper? I don't even know her."

3. ORA: "Is it, um, safe?"

4. The succubus was many years too late. The soul had already been sucked out by Frank Marshall Davis, sometime in the late sixties.

5. "Does my breath smell like dog dick?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Impressive, but unnecessary. Remember; I'm only half-black."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Drew Carey's career hosting The Price is Right died when POTUS chose his post-2012 vocation. Forget spaying/neutering pets, good dental hygiene's the new cause célèbre.

Best of Oiao
Obama thought bubble: "Damb, this crazy bitch did have me tattooed onto her tonsils!"

Best of Dr. Doom
Ms. Bunny Smith holds nothing back at Mr. Obama's open casting for 'Podium Aide'. The dog eventually won the job...

Best of dadoctah
A confused Annie Sullivan tries to teach Barry to fingerspell "water".

Best of Mr Hankey
Who needs wafers when you can feed off the god right in front of you??

Best of jj
Boy in back thought bubble, "What the hell..I've taken four pictures and none of them have an image of the president..."

Best of dub
Not surprisingly, this is not the only gaping hole that Sally is known for.

Best of Adriane
Pedal faster, Scoob! Obama is torturing Velma and Scrapy until they tell him where we hid Sarah Palin!!!

Best of Steve O
Tamara releases her second Shakra.

Best of Submariner
The body snatcher would later apologize to the entire pod collective for mistaking the Obamessiah for a human life-form.

Best of prince of leaves
"Ack ack AACCKKK!" cried the Martian infiltrator as it sensed its prey and threw off its human disguise. Sarah Jessica Parker just looked on impassively.

Best of DaveP.
Then her fangs emerged, her head snapped forward on a neck suddenly gone long and scaly... and as quick as that, Joe Biden was President and the Secret Service had a new fear of snake women.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Pretty Death Thing

Guesties: N.O'Really

1. In Korea, "For the children" means something entirely different.

2. I don't see a choking hazard warning.

3. Asian culture takes stuff literally - thus misunderstanding the whole Suicide Girls thing entirely.

4. Emo girls find that cutting requires too much clean up.

5. Not you father's pearl necklace

Best of blue
Kids!!! You can help make ObamaCare a success!!! Includes instructions on how to sneak up on Granny!! Death Certificate not included.

Best of Whacko
Just one of the many accessories for "Suicide Barbie."

Best of Passionate Conservative
Remember the old Kung Fu show with David Carradine? This was one of the accessories for his action figure.

Best of Adriane
Folks, for the last time, Jared Loughner did NOT listen to the evening noose...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Officials in Arizona say that so far, Jared's mail has included 410,780 of these, none of which fit around his fat head. They suggest well-wishers send the XL size.

Best of Matt the K
'Kung Fu' Lunch Box and 'KidzBop INXS'sold separately.

Best of dub
This toy is dangerous....do you know what the lead content is???

Best of jj
Spare 'tie' in the dressing room for guests appearing on MSNBC.

Best of Matt the K
Oddly, Strange Fruit' is both a song about lynching and apt description for the type of guy who'd buy this.

Best of Mr Hankey
Korean kids have their own toys for celebrating MLK Day!!

Best of Dr. Doom
The new Move-On.org press kit has been distributed to the media. Outlets are encouraged to place file photos of Sarah Palin, George Bush, John Boehner, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Glenn Beck inside the frame in lieu of using crosshairs...

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Man Down

Detnews


1. "Don't be such a drama queen. That's why we wear cups."

2. "What do you mean you never learned to skate?"

3. "Traded to Ottawa? OK, yeah, you've earned a good cry."

4. The Wings should have known that a player named 'Howard' would spend all his time rotating on the ice and saying "Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck!"

5. Gunplay on the ice is totally legal under Detroit rules.

Best of metalgarth
the sequel to "white men can't jump"... "Black Men Can't Skate". Dawn's head..blah, blah, blah

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"The ref says if he craps the puck out before the end of regulation time, we play it from where it lands."

Best of Jack Reacher
"If you look down when you skate you won't trip over an octopus next time."

Best of prince of leaves
Salei: "So, are you gonna remember now what I told you about parking in my spot?"

Best of Submariner
The dangers of a hat trick were numerous when Odd Job was a fan...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
You owe me $5. I said he couldn't block a .45 bullet.

Threadwinnerer: VInney
"Sorry Howard, the emperor says I must kill you."

Best of molson
This is how it looks when a man goes down in hockey. He'll shake it off in a minute. Now when a man goes down in soccer, he'll shake it off when he's done.

Best of Army of Dad
The Blackhawks PA guy got reprimanded for playing Godsmack's 'Crying like a Bitch' on a loop.

Best of Oiao
I wouldn't touch that puck either, after what he's doing to it.

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Return of Retro Soap Saturday


Best of metalgarth
And once she takes off her top we'll officially have third rate pornography

Best of prince of leaves
Surprisingly, the truly unsettling pictures of Jared Loughner were not the ones featuring a gun and red panties.

Best of jimmy
A jarring chord of incidental music punctuates Ada's shocking discovery of strange writing on her left breast.

--or--

Ada Hobson thought-bubble: "Now was that feed the baby and put the turkey in the oven, or...oh, crap!"

Best of JohnS1959
Where will you be when your dilaudid kicks in?

Threadwinner: Oiao
The woman that Calgon left behind.

Islamic Kids Are So Sharp

Brender

1. Sarah Palin should have known better than to use symbols for kitchen utensils on her Restaurant Guide.

2. Momentarily forgetting the next step, Abdul pauses in the midst of his sister's clitorectomy.

3. The Problem with being a Muslim emo kid is when you cut yourself, nobody cares. On the other hand, that's sort of true of all emo kids.

4. "Nice try kid, but messing yourself up isn't gonna save you when Uncle Abu spends the night. It's not your face he's interested in."

5. In their last moments of conscious life, Abdul's parents regretted burying him in the Pet Sematary.

Best of dadoctah
SuperCuts. Ur doin it rong.

Best of Double the U
This is why their women must remain in the kitchen, the men are just too stupid to use utensils.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Pakistan's "Leave It To Abdul" follows the funny exploits of young Abdul and his older brother Hadji as they destroy the blasphemers. You'll laugh and cry!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I'll bet Art Linkletter would have laughed at some of the crazy things this kid says.

Best of JohnS1959
"Alright America", said young Jalil, "lift the sanctions or the kid gets it!"

Best of Just Your Average Liberal
As a liberal I must say that it is wonderful to show this multicultural activity and view how peoples from around the world celebrate, this allows the mostly stupid Americans see how foolish their action figures and toy trucks are.

Best of molson
Well he's no brain surgeon, but that's not gonna stop him from trying.

Best of blue
"...and with a swastika carved in my forehead I'll be the life of all the bombing parties!"

Best of Submariner
The Flobee Mk 1 needed a few adjustments before experiencing a modest popularity.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Uh, Dad? I was cutting the ham, and sliced into the turkey."

Best of Jack Reacher
"And for my next demonstration, designed specifically to spite my face..."

Best of Army of Dad
This isn't the 'cut young man' that Barney Fwank was hoping for.

I'm a Little Tea Pot - FAIL

1. "Brains!!! BRAINS!!! Fabulous BRAINS!"

2. KerShawn liked drying his nails with the girls. It made him feel so pretty.

3. Before the witch doctor spoke at the Tucson pep rally, acolytes were sent out to dispel evil spirits; hence the absence of Hillary.

4. You have to commend whosever idea it was to stage an interpretive dance recital in front of an activating stargate.

5. The audience was awed as the Smithsonian unveiled the world's largest cubic Zirconia.

Best of Double the U
The new democratic handshake, limp like a wet noodle.

Best of Mr. Hankey
An interpretive dance entitled "Watching MSNBC"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Stop action photography helps identify the stunt double student most likely to break his wrists in a fall.

Best of GregMan
An embarassed hush fell over the zombies as they realized they were at Democrat National Headquarters. There would be no brains found here.

Best of metalgarth
The E-Rated "Resident Evil" was an epic fail

Best of Submariner
It doesn't bode well for humanity that this is the last four people left on earth...

Thursday, January 13, 2011

It's Getting Nippy Out





Best of Army of Dad
The better question is does dub think their goose bumps are fat...

Best of jj
Damn those girls have some bad dandruff. They better start using Head & Shoulders. What's that? Oh, the blonds don't know how to give shoulders....

Best of prince of leaves
Why do I have this strange, sudden craving for ice cold milk?

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"It's Friday, can we go in now?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
For colleges that lower entry standards for minority recruitment, this is a great SAT question: "Pick the girl with the different footwear."

Best of dadoctah
Why you shouldn't shoot a rap video in Bemidji.

Best of Submariner
One thing you reaaly need to remember when going out in the cold is a fur-lined hand-warmer.

Jungle Love. Oh wee-o wee-o.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

NYC, Earlier This Morning


1. "Hurry Up, or will miss Al Gore's Opening Remarks at the Global Warming Summit."

2. Scientists attributed the latest East Coast storm to Sarah Palin putting little snowflake symbols on a weather map.

3. Leo, Clyde, and Dirk suddenly realize why that "whitewater rafting" trip was such a bargain in January.

4. The "Expedition to Hillary's Crotch" find conditions far more frigid than they had anticipated.

5. Ah, April in Minnesota.

Best of Vinney
In Buffalo this is considered flurries.

Best of jj
Mayor Bloomberg is taken on a tour of the city by two Department of Transportation Supervisors, "See Mr. Mayor, the f*!@#%G streets are plowed"!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
You just had to eat two peppermint patties at the same time.
Oh, STFU and pull!

Best of Mr. Hankey
MSNBC Presents: "Republican Climate Policy"

Best of Dr. Doom
New York tax collectors (ever the persistent ones) are seen here approaching the former residence of Rush Limbaugh only to discover he is long gone to sunnier and less oppressive climes...

Best of prince of leaves
After a day and a half trapped in their hip apartments, panicked Manhattanites turn to cannibalizing the homeless to survive.

Best of prince of leaves
ORA - Guy on left: "I'm glad we're finally rid of those giant albino penguins, aren't you, Danforth?"

The Most Powerful Woman in the Universe

Duke of Red

1. Message received, Sarah. I will now kill Frank Stallone.

2. Sarah Palin was being rather generous in estimating Paul Krugman's penile attributes.

3. Somewhere in P-Town, a deranged Andrew Sullivan screams "She's pinching my brains!"

4. Yeah, I'd say that's a fair assessment of David Letterman's chances of surviving a cage match with Sarah Palin.

5. "So, Sarah, how close are you to punching Katie Couric right in the ovaries."

Best of Vinney
Palin illustrates the magnitude of MSNBC ratings.

Best of jj
Sarah shows the chances of Sheriff Dipstick's re-election chances.

Best of GregMan
Sarah plays the World's Tiniest Violin for all the left-wing libtards who are trying to blame her for Arizona.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
What was the real reason Bristol and Levi broke up?

Best of Mr. Hankey
Sarah illustrates the 1/2 inch difference between Paul Krugman & Bill Maher, the same 1/2 inch difference between a Pu**sy and an A**Hole.

Best of Dr. Doom
Sarah describes the three shot grouping placed into the heart of her last kill (caribou people, caribou)...

Best of prince of leaves
"Hey Markos, do ya think ya could wait for just a *wee* bit longer next time before accusing me of murder, hmm? Yah, 'kay, thanks!"

Best of dadoctah
"Dangit, I dropped my goshdarn doobie!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"How 'bout this much, Dub? If a girl has this much fat, is it too much?"

Best of Submariner
Dateline - 12:10 pm, Jan 20, 2013:
While taking the oath of office, now-President Palin demonstrates why she won't need Secret Service protection and snatches a slug out of the air. She then presents it to the Chief Justice Roberts as a memento of the occasion as she finishes with "...so help me God." for all the liberals listening.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Here Comes the ... Guy Who Receives



1. Before DADT was repealed, ceremonies to welcome the troops home had considerably more ... dignity.

2. Two marketing executives face-palmed themselves into blunt force head trauma after seeing the 1-800-FLOWERS Super Bowl spot.

3. Barney Frank's newest intern couldn't wait to be deflowered.

4. 2013: Obama begins his second term by appointing a new Safe Schools Czar.

5. Seeing as the Westboro Baptist Church wastes its time picketing soldiers funerals instead of beating the crap out of people like this, it sorta makes me doubt their sincerity.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Historians will eventually link Terrence "Muffy" Boynton's wedding to the end of civilization.

Best of sonicfrog
Got to hand it to him, Keanu Reeves decision to resume his role in the sequel "My Own Private Idaho - The Revenge - This time It's Personal" was quite a bold career move.

Best of divine miss m
"Lame-Ass Drag Queen Tuesday" never caught on quite like Hot Babe Thursday.

Best of Submariner
Doncha just hate citizens of Massachussetts that claim to be conservatives?

Best of Kaptain Krude
Fuchsia? After New Year's Day? Trey gauche!

Best of prince of leaves
London 2012: it was only a demonstration sport this time around, but Steven was no less thrilled to be the first gold medalist in Olympic mincing.

Threadwinner: JohnS1959
Gilligan got into Mrs. Howell's wardrobe once too often. Ultimately he and the professor were forced to move to the other side of the island where they started a very successful bed and breakfast.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Sometimes that closet doesn't even need a door.

Best of dub
This is the best Sarah Silverman has looked in a long time.

(Just make him beautiful)

Detroit News

1. As the not-too-subtle sign placement indicates, Andrew and Barney should not get their hopes up.

2. Mime-in-a-box was the rare Ang Lee remake that actually worked.

3. "I'll stop you from destroying London, Godzilla. Put 'em up!"

4. "Spider web! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!"

5. Barney Frank was pleased with the new intern's qualifications. "I'm sure I have an opening you can fill," lisped the congressman.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Is that Big Ben in your pocket or are you just glad to see me", asked Brucie?

Best of dub
I'll give him this, he's got a really big clock.

Best of jj
As this picture of a young Andrew Dice Clay proves, gheyness can be beaten out of someone.

Best of Passionate Conservative
"...Imagine, if you will, that you are in a giant vagina, reaching to crawl out..."
---Lou Ferrigno's acting coach.

Best of prince of leaves
Until appearing on "The Bachelor: Special Edition", Rick despaired of ever finding a soulmate due to his scoliosis and severe case of alien hand syndrome.

Best of metalgarth
I would say "Ang Lee presents the Hulk" but that movie was gayer than this picture

Best of Mr. Hankey
Jersey may have "The Situation", but watch out people for D.C.'s "The Possible Circumstance"

Best of molson
I shall now show you the dance of my people.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Is it just me...

... or does the piece of crap who shot several humans in Tucson look like the love child of Uncle Fester and Sinead O'Connor?



Best of Army of Dad
Nothing compares to killing you...

Best of The Watcher
I look at that pic and, in the back of my mind, I hear the Renfield Laugh... nhh hee, nhh hee, nhh hee....

Best of Jack Reacher
Mr. Clean has really let himself go.

Best of GregMan
My God, it's Ziggy!

Best of Dr. Doom
Where are the cross hairs when you really need them...

Best of sonicfrog
Rumor has it that the thing that finally made him snap... that set him off... He didn't get first prize in the James Carville look-alike contest!

Best of Rodney Dill
"Sloth love Chunk!"

Best of divine miss m
♪♫ If you're deranged, and you know it, clap your hands...♪♫

Best of DaveP.
"The Hills Have Eyes Part 4", now casting.

Best of dadoctah
And somewhere in Hollywood, Andy Dick breathes a sigh of relief that he's not the creepiest guy in the country any more.


Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner: Dr. Amy Bishop
Call me!


Threadwinnuh: skinnydipinacid
"Whoo hooo... prison rape! Finally, a REAL relationship!!"

Best of racerboy
ORA: Werner Klemperer is rolling in his grave...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
At times like this I like to play a game... list 6 to 12 eccentric or funny things friends, neighbors and relatives can say about you or that can be found in your home that big brother and the media can twist, exaggerate and headline if they decide to crucify you. Bonus points if you own a gun or ever mocked a president on a forum.

Hollywood for Ugly People Indeed

Brender

1. There's no one in this picture I don't want dead... including the child. I think it's because of that Sarah Palin target map.

2. Toward the end, Nancy Pelosi would prop up the dessicated corpse of Moe Howard next to her in all photo ops so she'd look better by comparison.

3. "We all have to clap so Tinkerbell will live? I didn't even know Congressman Frank was sick."

4. "BTW, kid, the safe school czar has a present for you in his office. But you have to put on this tiny gimp suit first."

5. Under a law passed in the lame duck, Chuck Schumer now gets to ride piggy back on a fat Asian chick whenever he visits the White House.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Congratulations Juan! To show that I am working hard on the immigration problem, you & your family have been selected to be this month's deportees!!"

Best of Dactyl
"AND I CALL HIM MINI-ME!"

Can't believe nobody else went for that one.

Best of Submariner
President Obamalama signs the Congressional edict awarding George Eads a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for his post-career work.

Best of JohnS1959
Ms. Pelosi's estimate of her approval rating is beginning to align with reality...

Best of Dr. Doom
"Joey, have you ever been in a... in a Turkish prison", asked the President?

Best of jj
Olamma to kid, "Hey kid, you ever heard of NAMBLA?"

Best of GregMan
"Hey thanks, kid, for handing over your lifetime earnings, your children's lifetime earnings, and their children's lifetime earnings so's I can buy votes with this hideously expensive Obamacare crap."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Juan comes to meet the new kid in his "Becoming A US Citizen" class.


Best of Matt the K
Chairman O welcomes Jose Chang, the youngest member of the Ambiguous Race Club. Keynote speaker "Druggie-dude From 'CSI'" was unable to attend due to incarceration. In other news, Dawn's head disintegrates.

Best of molson
The shirts are in the back. Remember I like light starch.

Hail to the Queef

Brender

1. M'Chel: "Outta mah way, crackers! Diva comin' through." Barry: (Ahem) M'Chel: "Sorry, two divas!"

2. The weight in her ass making her momentum unstoppable, M'Chel bowls straight through the honor guard.

3. "Move aside, puny p'tagh! the Mighty FLOTUS craves blood wine!"

4. Another happy couple thanks the POTUS for overturning DADT.

5. Usually, when I see a night scene with two black people and some men in uniforms, the lyrics "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do..." are playing over it.

Best of blue
obama: "...may I show you the presidential way of buttoning your jackets?"

Best of Oiao
Syrup Bottle Model success.

Best of HLam
Airman 1: "Sir, would you like to check your bag in the cargo hold?"
Obama: "No, she can ride on top with me."
Airman 2: "snicker...snicker"

Best of Dr. Doom
I see the President's handlers took away his jacket...

Best of dub
Where will you be when your complete inability to lead a country kicks in?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sir... your daughter's been caught trying to smuggle contraband onto the plane again.
Kids, whatcha gonna do? When I was her age I was jacking cars and mugging old ladies. Put her in the cargo hold in the spare dog crate and we'll deal with it when we get back to DC.

Best of Submariner
Sorry ma'am, but;
You.Shall.Not.PASS!

Best of jj
These two poor saps will soon learn not to get between M'chel and a tray of ribs...

Best of Mr. Hankey
Michelle gets some shopping done on that Arizona trip

Best of Mr. Hankey
"Yes honey, aliens are coming so you need to get on this spaceship & evacuate immediately!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Out of my way, swine, before my foo' husband bows to you!"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Yes, dear. Whatever you say, dear. It won't happen again, dear. No, I don't need another 'basketball injury,' dear."