1. Santa finally decided coal was too good for all those motherfrackers on the Naughty List.
2. "'Happy Holidays' my ass you secularist motherfrackers!"
3. Michael Bay remakes 'Miracle on 34th Street.'
4. Ambushed in Detroit, Santa digs in and calls for close air support.
5. Santa almost made it out, but then someone made a racist comment, Dawn's head exploded, and shrapnel caught him right in the giblets.