1.The counter help at Hot Topic wishes you a Grim, Meaningless, Commercial Holiday You Conformist Douchebags.
2. He warned them that the Red Ryder BB gun would put their eyes out, but they all thought pierced eyeballs would be rad.
3. "Naughty? Nice? Who are you to judge us you fat bastard?"
4. Later, they're going caroling at the Old Folks Home; hope they like Slipknot.
5. "Give us credit for being ahead of the curve ... we thought the future was bleak and hopeless even before The SCOAMF got elected."
Best of Double the U
Santa thought bubble, "I held onto that screaming crying baby with the dirty diaper for as long as I could and I still get stuck with these kids."
Best of blue
The Occupy North Pole movement gained strength when the elves went Goth
Best of dadoctah
Worst 60s TV Batman villain ever.
Best of prince of leaves
Wish lists, clockwise from upper right: Sarah Palin biography, CK-One, a puppy, the twisted and blasphemous souls of his enemies ripped screaming from their bodies and gathered for all eternity in an ancient carved glass bottle, Cheerleader Barbie.
Best of Dr. Doom
Looks like the ennui has overtaken Santa...
Best of Spineless Vertebrae
Emo kid 1: "Oh yeah, I'm definitely killing my mom for this."
Emo kid 2: "That's what you said when she made you take a picture with the Easter Bunny."
Best of Submariner
I keep getting them mixed up; is this a Goth group or a seasonal gathering of the Twilight Fan Club?
Best of Carpe Phlogiston
When Santa divorced Mrs. Claus, he turned to Morticia and Gomez for solace. They generously opened their mansion up to him, the elves and most of the reindeer. Mrs. Claus retained custody of Rudolph and any elf that loved country music.
Best of dadoctah
With every Christmas that passes, Yoko looks more and more like Rosemary Clooney.