Friday, October 07, 2011

That's One Big Frakkin' Onion



1. "Ah'm gonna call yew Lurlene."

2. "This must be that Onion thing all the young'uns are excited about. Smells pretty snarky."

3. Dick Cheney willed his left testicle to his loyal manservant, Carstairs.

4. M'Chel's menstrual flow turned out to make awesome fertilizer.

5. And you thought Richard Gere had a bizarre fetish.

Best of Rodney Dill
I'd like the martini that one is the garnish for.

Best of dadoctah
"Just once", thought Colonel O'Neill, "I'd love it if the alien ambassador was a guy in suit."

Best of double the U
Senile Frank Perdue tried cross breading anything in an effort to make pre-spiced chicken.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The townsfolk were thrilled when the driver stopped his truck and handed each a pod... everyone slept very soundly that night.

Best of Unscrupulous
A prenatal Steve Jobs in his iPod.

Best of prince of leaves
(unscrupulously ripping off Unscrupulous) A Steve Jobs clone nearly ready to emerge from its iPod.

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: when she saw Jack's profile picture, the Log Lady knew she had at long last found her perfect E-Harmony matchup.

Best of The Watcher
They're here already! You're next! You're next, You're next...!

Best of prince of leaves
"Eeyup. Hard to believe that for all those years my left testicle was an encysted parasitic twin!"

Best of Submariner
"I will love him, and pet him, and call him George..."

Best of Whacko
Vlad felt protected from vampires now that he had the mother of all garlic cloves. Lower back and neck readjustments would come later.

Best of Adriane
Only the original screen writers knew that "That's no onion ... That's a space station!" originally was originally in the script for Uncle Owen.

Best of jj
The real reason Jim & Tammy Faye wept so much on the air is revealed.

Best of metalgarth
It was all over once the Veggie Tales went live action

Best of JohnS1959
Bob Smith, aka the Vegetable Whisperer revealed the secret of his remarkable talent to this reporter in an interview last week. Said Mr. Smith, "Well sir, I just read the President's economic policy speeches to them. It is better fertilizer than Miracle Grow."

23 comments:

Rodney Dill said...

I'd like the martini that one is the garnish for.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Cuthbert's wife has a seriously gassy cucumber metabolism problem, so he can't wait to get home and eat the whole onion raw before bedtime... it's called passive-aggressive behavior and it's gonna kill whoever lights a match.

dadoctah said...

"Just once", thought Colonel O'Neill, "I'd love it if the alien ambassador was a guy in suit."

Dr. Doom said...

A couple of counties over from Enumclaw is the town of Vegumclaw. The annual Cucumber Festival there is not for the faint of heart...

double the U said...

Senile Frank Perdue tried cross breading anything in an effort to make pre-spiced chicken.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

The townsfolk were thrilled when the driver stopped his truck and handed each a pod... everyone slept very soundly that night.

-OR-

Obamalama's new govt. jobs program: Vegetablesitters will be paid to provide personalized care to produce. He figures 10 million head of lettuce plus a few million cantelope, watermelon and Vidalia onions should turn that pesky unemployment chart on its head!

Submariner said...

Pa didn't realize it, but he had indeed thrown out the baby with the bath water...

Unscrupulous said...

A prenatal Steve Jobs in his iPod.

prince of leaves said...

(unscrupulously ripping off Unscrupulous) A Steve Jobs clone nearly ready to emerge from its iPod.

prince of leaves said...

ORA: when she saw Jack's profile picture, the Log Lady knew she had at long last found her perfect E-Harmony matchup.

The Watcher said...

They're here already! You're next! You're next, You're next...!

prince of leaves said...

"Eeyup. Hard to believe that for all those years my left testicle was an encysted parasitic twin!"

Submariner said...

"I will love him, and pet him, and call him George..."

Submariner said...

Later, the aging Dr. Lecter would cry as he fried it up with a liver, to eat with a side of fava beans, and a nice chianti.

Whacko said...

Vlad felt protected from vampires now that he had the mother of all garlic cloves. Lower back and neck readjustments would come later.

Submariner said...

...and I call it, the Aristocrats!"

Adriane said...

Only the original screen writers knew that "That's no onion ... That's a space station!" originally was originally in the script for Uncle Owen.

Dr. Doom said...

@Carpe... Vegetablesitters will be paid to provide personalized care to produce. Isn't that a perfect job description for the White House Chief of Staff?

Carpe Phlogiston said...

@Doom - ah, good one... a mixed salad metaphor!

When it comes to produce (i.e., turnips), fence posts or bags of rocks, Biden comes to mind first. OTOH, the Obamalama "Umbrellas at the Gate" picture, the door/window confusion, and his kiddie bike helmet make it a tough call.

= = = = = = = =

When Biden was informed the Naval Observatory was once used to watch stars, he replied, "So this is where Hoover spied on Hollywood?"

= = = = = = = =

jj said...

The real reason Jim & Tammy Faye wept so much on the air is revealed.

metalgarth said...

It was all over once the Veggie Tales went live action

JohnS1959 said...

Byline Middle America

Bob Smith, aka the Vegetable Whisperer revealed the secret of his remarkable talent to this reporter in an interview last week. Said Mr. Smith, "Well sir, I just read the President's economic policy speeches to them. It is better fertilizer than Miracle Grow."

Carpe Phlogiston said...

History Repeats, so does Heartburn
Years later, after his wife left him for another woman, alcoholism blotted out the whole cow for magic beans fiasco and Jack traded the family farm for a magic onion.

-OR-

Cognitive decline in the elderly often manifests itself in delusions of being a proud new parent.