Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Wide Eyed

Schneider


1. The Guy Who Only Reads CAP THIS on Thursday mistakenly drops in on a Tuesday.

2."CrystalmethwhatcrystalmethwhatmakeshowdareyouimplyIvebeenusingcrystalmeth."

3. He's been like that ever since his nephew showed him "Two Girls One Cup."

4. "This your first time at Hooters, Earl?"

5. 30 years after Empire, Earl suddenly realizes that Luke Skywalker made out with his sister.

Best of Jack Reacher
"So they told you to stop hanging around the playground, Earl? Um, no, I can't imagine why."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Poor TV reception up in the Yukon means the oil workers have to play their own version of American Idol... contestants often leave the judges speechless, if not downright appalled.

Best of GregMan
"Those kids are on my lawn again, and, you know, I'm OK with that."
Earl was much more laid back after the lobotomy.

Best of blue
Earl liked watching the two neighbor girls play 'hide the cucumber'.

Best of Submariner
In this version, Marty went ahead and bedded his teen aged Mom in the past.

Best of Jack Reacher
John Turturro has really let himself go.

Best of Dr. Doom
Portrait of a likely Obama voter. This one is pictured shortly after his frontal lobotomy...

Best of dadoctah
While it worked out for Dave Thomas of Wendy's, in general a fast-food chain should not use its actual CEO as a commercial spokesman.

Best of Spin
"Christina Aguilera, will you go to the Engineer's Ball with me?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Pity Date Video Service: Hi. Mah name is Elwood, DateMeID is 3929EH. I like chicks. Most kinds, anyways. Chicks in bikinis, chicks with big hoohas, chicklets chew gum, chickadees and yeller fuzzy peeping baby chicks. I eat chick peas with fried chicken. Not real found of chickweed, hate gubmint chicksh*t. Saw me a chickenhawk whilst driving through Chickamauga. Call me, y'hear?

Best of Matt the K
Though Johnny had marks for poor attendence and failed the 4th grade 68 times, he never missed Picture Day.

Best of Double the U
"yea...yea...mmm-hmm....yea... well I am one of the 100,000 newly hired government employees, I can't actually solve your problem, or well... any problem, but I am helping to stimulating Obama's economy whatever that means."

41 comments:

Carpe Phlogiston said...

OMG, there's someone under my podium... and they've got a moustache!

Anonymous said...

Tim Geitner on casual Friday at Treasury.

Vinneh

Jack Reacher said...

An ACORN voter waits patiently at the polling place for his 37 ballots.

Jack Reacher said...

"So they told you to stop hanging around the playground, Earl? Um, no, I can't imagine why."

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Poor TV reception up in the Yukon means the oil workers have to play their own version of American Idol... contestants often leave the judges speechless, if not downright appalled.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Guess which side of a death panel we're looking at?
ORA cue Peer Gynt

GregMan said...

"Why, yes, I do still believe in Hope and Change!"

GregMan said...

"My G-d, M'chell's ass is full of stars!"

GregMan said...

"Those kids are on my lawn again, and, you know, I'm OK with that."

Earl was much more laid back after the lobotomy.

mpur said...

Life was much easier for Earl once he successfully completed his re-education training.

blue said...

Earl liked watching the two neighbor girls play 'hide the cucumber'.

Submariner said...

In this version, Marty went ahead and bedded his teen aged Mom in the past.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Hank! Stay calm. V's squirrel just ran up your pants.

-OR-

Stress Ages: As recent as Tuesday, 30-year old Stewart Mumfort looked well fed and had dark black hair. Then he learns he's the fall guy for:
a) Rupert Murdoch's rogue reporters;
b) Tim Geithner's cozy ties to Goldman Sachs;
c) Republicans' lies about whose money their no tax hikes pledge really protects;
d) Bawney Fwanks' congressional page dating service.

Jack Reacher said...

John Turturro has really let himself go.

Chronos the Wonder Pig said...

a grown up Robin explains why Batman called him the Boy Wonder.....

jj said...

The Turbo Tax programmer waits patiently in Tim Geitner's office.

Dr. Doom said...

Portrait of a likely Obama voter. This one is pictured shortly after his frontal lobotomy...

Dr. Doom said...

Recent polling indicates that voters in favor of legalizing marijuana use also favor President Obama in 2012. Developing...

Submariner said...

Muh daddy was muh brudder but it din't hurt me none...

Submariner said...

Meeting the Secretary of State in a men's room has this effect on most guys.

Submariner said...

Thawt bubble; "I know where I'll be when my laxative kicks in..."

Submariner said...

Finding out the "light at the end of the tunnel" in an oncoming train in 3... 2... 1...

dadoctah said...

The original spokesman for the Rent Is Too Damn High Party had to be replaced due to scheduling conflicts.

dadoctah said...

While it worked out for Dave Thomas of Wendy's, in general a fast-food chain should not use its actual CEO as a commercial spokesman.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Gaunt, humble pose, vacant stare. All good. Put a cup of pencils in his hand, a little tobacco juice drool on his chin and it's my perfect fantasy for how all bankers and mortgage brokers should have looked after the economy collapsed... well, after they got out of jail, that is.

Spin said...

"Christina Aguilera, will you go to the Engineer's Ball with me?"

Son Of The Godfather said...

The unsuccessful Deep Space 9 spinoff: Odo's Bro

Son Of The Godfather said...

"And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire... "

Rodney Dill said...

"Mashed taters, please."

Rodney Dill said...

"I really like peas."

Rodney Dill said...

"Wapner in 10 minutes... definitely."

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Pity Date Video Service: Hi. Mah name is Elwood, DateMeID is 3929EH. I like chicks. Most kinds, anyways. Chicks in bikinis, chicks with big hoohas, chicklets chew gum, chickadees and yeller fuzzy peeping baby chicks. I eat chick peas with fried chicken. Not real found of chickweed, hate gubmint chicksh*t. Saw me a chickenhawk whilst driving through Chickamauga. Call me, y'hear?

Rodney Dill said...

"Hey, I just realized how to fix the debt ceiling problem, it's.... Oh Look, Shiny."

Matt the K said...

Half-a-wall torn down?? What cocaine??! I'm fine. What do you mean-- half-a-wall torn down!

dadoctah said...

This man has a simple workable solution to the debt crisis that will not involve raising any taxes, cutting any spending, and will just as a matter of course solve the unemployment problem.

But for obvious reasons, nobody will listen to him.

Dactyl said...

Coming this fall: Mister Rogers, the Motion Picture!

Directed by Quentin Tarantino.

"You're in *my* neighborhood now, m*****f*****!"

Dactyl said...

Earth, July 14th, 3061: Philip J. Fry challenges the Hypnotoad to a staring contest. Again.

Matt the K said...

Though Johnny had marks for poor attendence and failed the 4th grade 68 times, he never missed Picture Day.

Matt the K said...

"The denture glass you're using has been pissed in. Film at eleven."

Double the U said...

"yea...yea...mmm-hmm....yea... well I am one of the 100,000 newly hired government employees, I can't actually solve your problem, or well... any problem, but I am helping to stimulating Obama's economy whatever that means."

Steve O said...

The future former Representative Wiener.