Threadwinners of 2010, Part II

Threadwinner: Uchuck the Tuchuck
His work done, Barry Poppins opens his magical umbrella to fly to another country in need of economic disaster.



Threadwinner: Double the U
Pointy ears, finds almost everything interesting and then quickly ignores it, enjoys chasing lasers, and doesn't pay attention to the emotions of others. Spock on the other hand could speak English and tell you to get the damn twine out of his face.

Threadwinner Dactyl
"I'm so grateful for this award, in fact after the show we're all going out to Outback Steakhouse and hey, dinner's on me!"


Threadwinner: Justin
Poor Joe. You're supposed to cop a feel, not feel a cop.


Threadwinner: JohnS1959
Mr. Obama takes a well deserved rest after bowing to every groundskeeper in the Chrysanthemum Palace.



Threadwinner: Kaptain Krude
Wow, I've never seen actual physical thought balloons before!

Threadwinners of 2010, Part I

Threadwinner: Rodney Dill
"Stay... dammit stay... I haven't bowed to you yet."

Threadwinner: mpur
My name is no longer Chastity, it's Chaz.

Assistant Threadwinner: dadoctah
English subtitle: "Enough! Throw the Jedi to the rancor!"


Threadwinner: Silhouette
I don't even remember this The Facts of Life episode.

Threadwinner: David
Farmville message: "Oh, no! One of Barry's negroes has escaped! Will you help them find it?"

Threadwinner curly
The clouds acted stupidly.


Threadwinner: Son Of The Godfather
...And then Dawn's ass exploded.

Threadwinner: Army of Dad
"I am cornholio, I need TP for my bunghole!"

Best of curly
Up next on “America’s Dirtiest Jobs”: Smokin’ Joe Biden explains to give Rosie O’Donnell a gynecology exam.

Threadwinner: Rodney Dill
"SERENITY NOW!!!"

Best of Submariner
I may not be able to SAY "myocardial infarction" but I KNOW when I'm having one, dammit.



Threadwinner: Uchuck the Tuchuck
BlunderTwin powers, activate! Shape of...a clean and articluate Negro! Form of...a petulant, angry Liberal!


Threadwinner: dadoctah
"It looks like you're trying to bore everybody to death. Would you like help?"

Threadwinner: Vinney
"Oh, silly me. I thought when you said you're not fond of crackers you were talking about the soup."


Threadwinner Best of Vinney
Exclusive pictures of the John Murtha autopsy.

Feed the Horse, Yum-Yum

1. Hygiene is never more important than when banging an unconscious hooker on New Year's Eve in a foreign country.

2. "I warned you that running in high heels was not the same as figure skating. Let me help you up, Mr. Weir."

3. The New Orleans take on the traditional Japanese Tea Ceremony.

4. The hooker woke up after having the strangest dream she was partying with R. Kelly.

5. Waking up in your underwear on city street after an all-night bender. A typical New Year's Eve, Mardis Gras or ... in the case of Lindsey Lohan ... Tuesday.

Star Whore

1. After the death star was destroyed, TK-421 finally was able to get the surgery he had always craved and become the woman of his dreams.

2.ORA: When Bea Arthur died, the Cantina in Mos Eisley was bought out by Darth Hefner. The first thing he did was replace the band.

3. As Madonna aged, she had to more creative in her perpetual reinvention. Truth is, under the mask, her face is pretty much Emperor Palpatine.

4. A storm trooper with Borg Implants... I love crossovers!

5. Since the Family Resource Council dropped out, CPAC has gotten a lot more laid back.

Confident! Confident! Dry and Secure!

Oh, Noes! A Naked Lady! Alert the Morality Police!

It's Not Porn If You Can't See Their Faces

Young Doctors In Love

Knowledge Is Power

1. Larry Gelbert's M*A*S*H Babies; Li'l Mikey Farrell is still an insufferable liberal jackass.

2. "Yeah, I'm the new Doogie Howser... only not queer this time."

3. ORA: "Your liver, it's a large rectangular organ in your abdomen. May we have it?"

4. "Dad, we drew straws to see who got to discuss your BO problem and I lost..."

5. To save money under ObamaCare, children are now required to tend to their own births.

Yeah, I'm So Going to Heck For This

Knowledge Is Power

1. "What's this sh-t? I asked for Justin Bieber."

2. "By the Holy Mother, his nipples are as big as pie plates!"

3. "I will call you... Panther-Man. You're black, you're beautiful. Come, let me see your claws."

4. "I dunno, you got anything in skintight yellow footie pajamas?"

5. ♪ "Hap-py birth-day... Ho-ly Fa-ther..." ♪

Best of Double the U
Timmy you have been doing this for me since you were six years old and it never gets boring!

Best of GregMan
Holy Father: "Tuesday already?"

Best of VInney
To weed out pedaphiles, the Vatican institutes gay testing and no one is exempt.

Best of dadoctah
"...darn it. And me all out of singles!"

Best of Silhouette
"Impressive yes, but we're not quite sure it counts as a miracle."

Threadwinner: Rodney Dill
"200 Quatloos on the African."

Best of molson
At least you will achieve a state of grace by the time we're done with you.

Best of Mr Hankey
The movie version of "The DiFranco Code" wasn't expected to have much involvement from Tom Hanks.

Best of Submariner
The Pope wasn't satisfied with the Vatican art collection and began staging live model's of great statues. Here we see him evaluating an applicant for "David."

Best of sonicfrog
"It's GOOD to be the Pope!!!"

Ballin'

1. Being the biggest slut in professional soccer enabled Ronaldo to move way beyond ping pong balls.

2. "Heh. Heh. Heh-Heh. Your shirt says 'Siemens.' Heh-heh. Heh-heh."

3. "Wow, your suction power is amazing. Yes, I will go leather dancing with you."

4. Butt-Pong is a much more entertaining sport than soccer, IMHO.

5. And with Nigel out, the Butt-Boys are one step closer to elimination from the World Dodgeball Tournament.

Best of blue
"yea, well even if that ball fits up your arse, the pope will find it at the security checkpoint!"

Best of dub
Worst.Roids.Ever.

Threadwinner: Rodney Dill
In the new 'Prisoner', Rover made number 6 his own personal bitch.

Best of dadoctah
Ouch! Right in the vuvuzela!

Best of molson
Balls on ass. Soccer why do you vex me with your vapid predicability?

Best of Mr Hankey
Heck of a dingleberry you got there Kyle...

Best of metalgarth
The Lil' Death Star is orbiting Uranus

Best of Submariner
Any truth to the rumor that Nike renamed their logo the "Swish" for sponsoring the World Cup?

Preserving That "New Plane" Smell

1. Subsequently, bean burritos were removed from AeroMexicana's in-flight menu.

2. From the Producers of Monk comes The Adventures of Captain Wang -- OCD Pilot. Coming this fall on the USA Network.

3. Sure, the experiment was a longshot, but USAirways stood to save a fortune if they could train cats to be flight attendants.

4. "Delta Airlines will now begin our beverage service." Sppritzzz. "That will be twelve dollars, sir. Exact change, please."

5. While Americans put up with increasingly intrusive and Gestapoesque TSA procedures, China solves the terror problem by simply spritzing every passenger with ham juice.


Best of Dr. Doom
After the latest round of TSA inspection enhancements, airlines have found it necessary to disinfect the seats after each landing...

Best of blue
Normal plane maintenance after Whoopie Do's are the in-flight snack.

Best of dub
This procedure is more impressive on Peter North Airlines.

Best of VInney
Korean Airlines prepares for their complementary serving of kimchi.

Best of dadoctah
True Facts: a little-known cult centered in Southeast Asia considers Tony Randall the Messiah.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Kim Jung Il saw the commercial and now wants his version of Air Force One to smell as fresh as the daisies on that douche commercial. Everyone chuckles behind his back at the irony.

Best of metalgarth
the onboard hijacking prevention methods leave a lot to be desired, (unless a bunch of kittehs are trying to take over your plane)

Obama Lingus

Al


1. "Ah, I see you have, um, 'met' Congressman Frank, already."

2. Children, the other, other, other white meat.

3. "Do not fear, little one. Your death will come quickly."

4. Only the knowledge that by Billy's 12th birthday, America would be completely bankrupted by his debt enabled Dear Reader to tolerate the white brat's insolence.

5. Chris Matthews seethed. "That bastard said I was the only one who got to tongue-kiss him!"

Best of Double the U
...and that you see is why I have to take half your Christmas presents and give them to someone who didn't get the same amount.

Threadwinner: dadoctah
Willie Tyler and Lester have really let themselves go.

Best of GregMan
"I like the red shirt, kid. It will hide the bloodstains WHEN I RIP THAT TONGUE OFF YOU DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE SH1T."

Best of Mr Hankey
Obama still doesn't remember why he was inspired to have KISS perform at the next White House party.

Best of Submariner
Handing the boy to an SS Special Agent; "It's father is making it politically aware; kill it."

Best of Submariner
"Just the right amount of fight in him; this one will do."

Picking out hors d'eouvres for Michelle is challenging at the best of times, following an "iPod of your best speeches" Christmas gift it was critical.

Best of Double the U
and little Billy was never heard from again.

Best of Vinney
Nah, nah, nah nah! I bet I have something you don't.
What's that son?
An American birth certificate.

Best of metalgarth
Bart never really respected Carl after he fired his father

I Saw Some MILF Kissing Santa Claus

1. A cougar offers Santa $1000 for the list of naughty boys.

2. "Would someone tell Mrs. Claus to lay off the Percocet?"

3. Ah, the two symbols of the Democrat Party: An old white guy who gives away billions of gifts he can't possibly afford and an old botoxed whore.

4. Santa signals to the sniper to take out Mrs. Claus with a quick, painless, spine-severing throat shot.

5. Yeah, now you see why he only comes once a year.

Best of embarrassed
With a twinkle in his eye, Santa points to her "chimney"

Best of Vinney
Oddly enough the toys she wanted required batteries.

Best of dadoctah
Has anyone even bothered to tell Betty White she's allowed to take a day off once in a while?

Best of Rodney Dill
"...and Santa, can you make my 'laser tits' stop shooting holes in the floor?"

Best of Submariner
Sorry Agitha, but Santa wanted MILK and cookies...

Best of Oiao
Santa points out where the pearl necklace will go, to match the earings.

Best of divine miss m
Mrs. Brady found innovative ways to avoid empty-nest syndrome.

Best of GregMan
"Did her!" says Santa proudly.

No Caption Necessary

The 12 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Christmas Ads - Cracked.com

"A salute to childhood innocence... the precise moment before it is lost forever."

Best of sonicfrog
"You ever have that dream, where you go out to deliver Christmas presents to all the kids, and, not only did you forget to put on your Santa garb, but you look cut, taller, and two hundred years younger than you actually are???...

Me neither."

Best of Vinney
Isn't NAMBLA's Christmas card just precious.

Best of Submariner
I sure hope Timmy likes the pastel yellow onesie I got him...

Best of Dr. Doom
Uncle Joe sets the wheels in motion for a young Barney Frank...

Best of blue
"If I catch him I can keep him!"

Best of Wacko
He felt confident about making his approach. He was fit, he was buff, and he was wearing Michael Jordan's underwear.

Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh

Naughty Girls Keep a List of Santas

Come Sit on My Lap

Other Caption Opportunities

At Sonic Frog, who apparently doesn't realize that Star Wars Captions go on FRIDAYS!

Behold the Power

1. The final project design was a huge improvement on Dr. Evil's original "shark" idea.

2. For one episode, Bosom Buddies experimented with Scrubs-style fantasy cutaways. Tom Hanks spent millions to have every tape destroyed.

3. ... or, we could watch that Tron remake.

4. The really scary thing is that this is how Janet Napolitano sees herself.

5. Rejected Barbie Concept #327.

Best of Whacko
The only flaw in the design was that she had to stop and wait for the jiggling to quiet before they could be accurately aimed.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
LIVE traffic signals reduced accidents by a whopping 73% at Amsterdam intersections. Unfortunately, gridlock soared as rubberneckers slowed to a crawl... even when the nips were green.

Best of Submariner
The new searchlights were bringing thousands more visitors to Nevada than Harry Reid ever did.

Best of dub
Pew Pew Pew!

Best of dadoctah
The latest update to the Columbia Pictures logo: no mountain, and looks nothing like Annette Bening.

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: Nuclear Asima and her basmati-powered laser battle-boobs were Pakistan's ultimate secret weapon against the dOvemaster.

Best of Matt the K
The irony of the circumstances of his blinding was not lost on Jordie LaForge.

Best of JohnS1959
She used to wear an 'My Eyes Are Up Here' T-shirt but this was waaaay more effective...

Best of Double the U
I used to have a fantasy like this... well minus the 70's theme bike, the lasers, the wrap around glasses and the latex pants.

Best of Artfldgr
When she lays on her back and i tickle her in time to Pink Floyd its like being at Haden planetarium!

Best of sonicfrog
The real reason Joss Whedon's Wonder Woman never made it to the big screen...

Best of Vinney
Mel Gibson defends calling her "laser tits."

Best of GregMan
Nice bike, cool styling. Like the sunglasses, too HOLY CRAP ARE THOSE LASERS SHOOTING OUT OF HER B00BS

Best of Kaptain Krude
Thank heavens for this photo! I thought this was just a private hallucination from the drugs!

Tony the Christmas Gigolo

1- "The Mistletoe on the belt buckle never gets tired, does it, Tony?"

2- "If there's anything sexier than a squint-eyed guy in a plaid shirt with a monobrow and a thin, scraggly goatee, I don't wanna know what it is."

3- Her: "The best present you could give me? A little less Axe and a lot more showering, for one."

4- "You said you wanted a traditional Christmas. Well, doggy-style under the Christmas tree is traditional!"

5- Him: "Sh-t, girl. You don't look half bad after a case of Molson."

Cap This Musical Interlude: I Love Spacy Chick Music

Cocteau Twins - Frosty The Snowman.

Perfectly Frank

Featuring Barney "I left my purse at home" Frank.

Jack Reacher sent me this.


1. "Hey, I better get to K-Mart. It says here that little boys' underwear is half-off."

2. "Hmmmm... 'Nubile Youth Seeks Mincing Pederast.' I'll have to circle that one."

3. "Let's check the WSJ and see if there's any other part of the American Economy I can destroy before mincing back to Provincetown for the ... excuse the expwession... 'holiday.'"

4. "Hugo Chavez, you magnificent bastard, you. Even though you people always smell like corn tortillas, I'd still let you take me."

5. Having laid in an abundant supply of black latex, Barney Frank waits for the party guests to arrive.

Best of Jack Reacher
A partying organ reads the party organ.

Best of Dr. Doom
Congressman Frank takes a break from ruining the country to peruse the crime against nature section of the police reports for Congressional Page candidates...

Best of GregMan
"I have just got to order that science kit for myself. It looks so, um, educational."

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Barney looks over the Santa & Satan help wanted ads - thinking that his red suit works for both

Best of Oiao
Barney Frank; a man who thought that Benny Hill was one sexy hunk.......

Best of blue
"Hmm, if I change my name to Barney Frank-o-Furter maybe Tim Curry will go out with me"


Best of Submariner
Done him... done him... wanna do him... done him...

Best of JohnS1959
"Hmmm...", thought Congressman Frank, "I wonder where I can get a set of those snuggly yellow jammies?"


Best of dub
Sullivan's search for "big fat prick" yields the wrong results.

Best of Matt the K
NEA grant aside, Barney was nonplussed by the chair art installment that symbolized all the stools he'd pushed in.

For me?

1. "Aunt Nina, can I have another slice of the ... pardon the expression... fruitcake."

2. 'Ow to speak San Franciscan: "Lingerie."

3. "I don't know what it is, but it can't possibly be better than the full body condom the Safe School Czar gave me."

4. "Well, if Bruce got the hammer, this must be the sickle."

5. "Mom and Aunt Butch, your vagina-shaped Hallmark ornament is the coolest ever!"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Oh Boy!!! An autographed picture of Barney Frank!!"

Best of blue
"Na, Na, Na, Na, I got the only present under the tree!!!"

Best of dadoctah
In the secret subterranean complex deep beneath the Rocky Mountains, the latest Jerry Lewis clone celebrates the holidays in its own way.

Best of Vinney
"If this a satin Justin Bieber pillow case, I'll just die."

Best of racerboy
What, is it "Buff Tuesday" on www.twinksntrees.com???

Best of Submariner
OhBoyOhBoyOhBoy!
It's the inflatable Sarah Jessica Parker doll I wanted!

Threadwinner: Mr Hankey
Men of the Armed Forces Calendar 2015

Cap This Musical Interlude: "Christmas Music for the Obama Error"

God Rest Ye Merry, Justin Bieber

1. "How can we liberals possibly have a happy holiday when the Bush tax rates have been extended?"

2. "Holiday Cheer? We're atheists! Keep it at your own house, Christer."

3. 'Who Can Do the Best Harry Reid Impression?' is a popular Nevada parlor game.

4. Jon Stewart, Julia Duffy, and Justin Bieber synchronize their periods for the holidays.

5. "Man, those Kennedies don't take being completely out of power very well. This is the most depressing kegger ever."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
As they stare at their naked mom blatantly kissing Santa Claus, they're torn... "On one hand, mom's a slut; on the other, think of all the presents!"

Best of dadoctah
"So this year, we spirits got together and said, screw it, we'll all visit Scrooge together and get it over with by 1:30. And Jacob Marley's designated driver, so he's waiting outside in the SUV with the motor running."

Best of JohnS1959
"Billy, we are very disappointed in you", said mom sternly, "You know we are liberals and we don't use the 'C' word in this house. Now go get your Kwanza suit on".

Best of Jack Reacher
Pelosi staffers react to the news that they'll be flying commercial from now on.

Best of jj
Boy thought bubble, "Boy, this new Christmas Drink, 'Creampie Surprise' tastes awfully familiar."

Best of Vinney
Looks like they need Mister Microphone to liven up their holiday party.

Best of Submariner
No dub, it was NOT
"V.the K. in the study with a monstrously large fat roll..."

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Yea,all 3 of us are gay, what's it to you??"

Best of Mr. Hankey
The carolers stop and stare at the mother of the little crippled boy named Tiny Tim - sliently cursing her for not having an abortion.

Best of Matt the K
"Yes. What do you MEAN Jimmy here is a the result of the laboratory mating of Jake Gylenhaal and Justin Bieber?"

Best of Dr. Doom
The Johnsons knew that inviting Uncle Earl to the Christmas party was a bad idea but the unfortunate incident with the inflatable reindeer on the front lawn was absolutely the last straw...

Mass Santa Action

1. Fellini's version of Santa Claus is Comin' to Town was way less disturbing than Ang Lee's.

2. The occasion marked the most times the word 'Ho' had been repeated since they canceled The Source Hip-Hop Awards.

3. OMG, they really do all look alike.

4. Sturgis has sort of lost its edge.

5. Owing to a cultural misconception, all of the ended up nailed to crosses.

Best of Vinney
In Korea you must tell Santa if you want a puppy as a pet or an entree.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thousands of intelligent little Korean kids left the parade route confused and disillusioned: Where was the famous sleigh? Eight tiny Yamahas? Did Santa join Weight Watchers? No bag, just a wire-frame basket? What's Santa's carbon footprint now? Are we observing Santa mitosis?

Best of dadoctah
If Brando had dropped acid before filming "Rebel Without A Cause".

Best of JohnS1959
The North Korean Special forces attack on Seoul was a stroke of genius - on paper. Unfortunately, due to delay after delay, history would remember the attack as the Easter Massacre...

Best of Silhouette
dadoctah, Wouldn't that be "Rebel Without A Claus?"

Best of Dr. Doom
If Francis Ford Coppola simultaneously remade A Miracle on 34th Street and Apocalypse Now, the dream sequence would look something like this...

Best of metalgarth
Palpatine put his clone army to good use every year at Christmas time.

Hot Girl-on-Girl Action

blue

1. "I love Satan, too. Sweetheart."

2. ORA: Even though it was a white man's religion, M'Chel was proud when Malia became a Bajoran Vedek.

3. "Back off, doughnut bumper! I get my kicks above the waistline."

4. "Mom! Stop trying to unhook my bra!"

5. "WTF, Mom? Getting my period is NOT that big a deal!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"You look great, Hon. Now get me that Whopper and fries I ordered."

Best of Double the U
Oh that is a cute outfit, what does KKK stand for?

Best of jj
"The next time you serve me ribs with that watered down sauce will be the last time you serve anything in this White House." M'chel straightens out the staff...

Best of dadoctah
Tryouts for "The Wiz" slowed to a crawl today after the star insisted on personally putting each prospective Munchkin through a full TSA-style patdown.

Best of Mr Hankey
Michelle really really really loves her Beef-A-Roni.

Best of jj
Korean cook's thought bubble, "Wait'll she tries to find Bo".

Come Sit on Satan's Lap

1. Unsurprisingly, Cindy grew up to be a renowned ACLU lawyer and Democrat activist.

2. "You think that pathetic drawing will satisfy the Dark Lord?" Pelosi screeched. "Now, get back on that altar right now!"

3. "Hillary was such a sweet little girl," reflected grandma Rodham.

4. "BTW, if there's not a pony under the tree, my Dark Satanic Master will fry your souls."

5. "You see, Anti-Christmas is way cooler. And the ACLU has never sued to have a Satanic Altar and Pentagram taken off public property."


Best of Submariner
The church lady was pretty cute when she was little, wasn't she?

Best of prince of leaves
He knows if you've been naughty or nice...and puts lumps of still-wriggling human flesh in your stockings if you been *too* nice this year.

Best of Vinney
Yes Christine O'Donnell was young at the time.

Best of Oiao
Rare old photo found of a young, and yet to be tatooed, Ozzy Osborne.

Best of blue
Little Suzie's teacher made her stand in the corner for misspelling "Obama"

Best of Snowdog
"I told you not to let little Amy watch Woodland Critter Christmas."

Unleash the Power Queef

Best of Submariner
Betty White looked up from her foot-long; "First time with your Ben Wa's dear?"

Best of prince of leaves
Where will YOU be when your Goa'uld parasite's diarrhea kicks in?

Best of Dactyl
Reese Witherspoon's gynecologist has really cold hands.

Best of blue
"This is my sex face & you there ,Mr Duke, with your fancy car will never see it!"

Best of Oiao
As R. Lee Ermey (the Gunny) would say... LET ME SEE YOUR MEGAN McCAIN FACE!!!!! Maggot!!!!

Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: Ned Flanders looked up from his raking of his yard. "My Goodness," he exclaimed. "That was the loudest obscenity I've ever heard!"

Best of sonicfrog
Something bad is going to come out... one end or the other!

The Stepford Gingrich

1. "Nipple clamps a little tight tonight, Mrs. Gingrich?"

2. Mrs. Gingrich is really straining to hold in that fart.

3. "Hey, Look. One of those smilin' retard kids in a crash helmet... oh wait, that's Mrs. Gingrich."

4. Newt. "Honey, you didn't just take one of Rush Limbaugh's 'Tic-Tacs' did you?"

5. Newt: "Honey, would you mind getting cancer so I can dump you and take a shot at Bristol Palin?"

Best of Jack Reacher
(Building on #3):
"Ding, fries are done!
Ding, fries are done!
I work at Burger King..."

Best of Double the U
I must kill Pahpshmir.

Mr. Hankey's ROLFCopter
...and then Newt activates the remote control vibrating sex bullet

Best of sonicfrog
ORA: Suddenly Jamie Summers heard the familiar ultra high pitch tone, the tell tale sign that Mrs. Gingrich was indeed a Fem-bot!

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Callista Gingrich just could not believe that Newt was actually introducing her to Ray Bradbury...

Best of Rodney Dill
Pelosi - not as hard to replace as we thought.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
All together now...
Where will YOU be when your laxatives kick in?

Best of molson
Looks like Newt's Christmas goose came a bit early this year.

Best of Submariner
Newt; "Well, she made the mistake of gooing to the restroom with the Sec of State. I just hope they'll come back to normal by the primaries or she'll be a liability to me."

Best of racerboy
I always wondered what a parrot on crack would look like...

Best of Dr. Doom
It is really sad when retired politicians stoop to making Enzyte commercials...

Best of Dactyl
Ha ha ha HA ha, ha ha ha HA ha, ha ha ha HA ha, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
(ORA?) Um... yes

Best of prince of leaves
The last thing the impertinent MSNBC reporter saw, before the twin polarized plasma beams incinerated him in a flash of indescribable pain.

Best of dadoctah
Newt put in a lot of effort to find the whitest woman possible. And except for the unblinking stare, the surgery to correct her pink bunny eyes was a raging success.

Best of Adriane
So Newt Gingrich is Draco Malfoy's uncle ... by marriage ...

Best of GregMan
Where will you be when your LSD flashback kicks in?

Ripped from the Headlines

The National Organization of (Fugly) Women Is Suing Hooters. They claim it's "for the children" but I think if you put a picture of a Hooters waitress next to a picture of Andrea Dworkin, we can see what this is really about.

Proving once again Rush Limbaugh's truth of life #24 that "Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women access to the mainstream of society."

BTW, when I did a Goodle search to try to find a different image to use, one of the first ones to pop up was, no kidding, one from Army of Mom.


1. "Nice balloons."

2. A young Julian Assange correctly calculates that becoming a traitorous leftist douchebag is his only hope of getting close to those things.

3. Hooters Girls: Joy bags. NOW Womyn: Doggy Bags.

4. "Those must be the sugar tits Mel Gibson was talking about," Billy thought.

5. Billy's mom looked on and reflected sadly that the days of clean sheets were over.

Best of Jack Reacher
"That reminds me. I want a puppy for Christmas. Or two."

Best of Silhouette
"Mom, suddenly I don't want to play soccer anymore."

Best of Jack Reacher
A young John Boehner feels tears of joy welling up. Other things welled up, too.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Stand up and make a wish, Timmy."
"Um, not now, Mom."

Best of Mr. Hankey
"Who got to inflate those ones?"

Best of sonicfrog
Well, Billy passed the "Not Gay" test.

Best of VInney
"Excuse me ma'am, do you serve milk shakes"?

Threadwinner: Kaptain Krude
Wow, I've never seen actual physical thought balloons before!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ernie's not only alive and kicking 20 years later, he's a photographer for Victoria's Secret... and the Make A Wish Foundation has since tightened their screening procedures.

Best of Dactyl
Ah, to be four months old again.

Best of jj
A young Mary Kay Letourneau, working as a summer intern at Hooters, silently wishes for school to start.


Best of Barney Frank
There's a girl in the picture?

It's beginning to look a lot like XXXMas

THoynes

And Boom Goes the Dynamite

THoynes

Once you have seen it, you can not unsee it.

1. Actress Betty White died this week after challenging Joan Collins to a deep throat contest.

2. "Amateur," sniffed Sullivan, Frank, and Weir.

3. "That's nice," said Barbara Walters. "What else can you tell us about your marriage to Alan Luden."

4. "And when I went into the restroom at Studio 54, I saw Elton John making like this with on Peter Frampton." -- Betty White, Memoirs.

5. "Bea Arthur's was bigger."

Best of JohnS1959
Not surprisingly, Betty won the Hollywood Hot Dog Eating Championship - slamming 15 more dogs than her nearest competitor, Joey Chestnut. Betty can do anything...

Best of Rodney Dill
Hey Betty! What part of the dog did you get?

Best of flyovercountry
After 70 years, you would think Betty would not have to practice for the casting couch any more.

Best of metalgarth
15 Schnitzengruben is my limit...oh heck, 1 more

Threadwinner prince of leaves
Using a baited hot-dog bun to lure it out, Betty carefully grabbed the intestinal parasite, drew it out of her body, and released it unharmed back into the wild.

Best of dadoctah
In Hollywood, eventually *everybody* does porn.

Best of Spin
Being a Goa'uld explained why Betty White could still function at her age.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Barney looks down at James Ready and goes "Dude, you're humming like Betty White down there...you need a Snickers?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Betty's agent knew she'd finally jumped the shark when, during a lull in contract negotiations with CBS, she climbed onto the bar with what she honestly thought was a kareoke microphone.

Best of Jay Guevara
The remake of "Deep Throat" probably would have been more successful if they'd updated the cast.

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "Two and a half men my ass - more like one that barely pleases a real woman, if you ask me..."

Best of dadoctah
Every night, Ed Asner wakes up screaming from this same dream.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"With a 90 year old body like mine, you have to do something special to get a date!!!"