Battered F1

Jalopnik via Racer Boy

1. "Aside from that, how was your date with Chris Brown?"

2. When you play basketball with Putin, *you're* the one who gets his face wrecked.

3. "All I remember is asking the Secretary of State if her pantsuit was available in sizes for attractive women, then everything went black."

4. "I just walked into a door. That's all. Silly me. Clumsy me. No need to bring Putin into this. I just walked into a door. Don't worry about it. Just bring me some Preparation H, and a shot of Vodka."

5. "Putin warned me that the Colt Python has a kick like an angry mule, but I didn't listen."

Best of Jack Reacher
"What's it like to get between Michael Moore and a buffet? Let me show you."

Best of dadoctah
And so Senator Palpatine went looking for his next padawan.

Best of sonicfrog
Hey... It could have been worse... I could have been dove hunting with Cheney.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
After his (49 years younger) girlfriend saw how easy it was to get jewelry off him, she privately admitted being quite irked... because she hadn't thought of just mugging him instead of sleeping with the creepy old geezer.

Best of jj
Never get caught between Schumer and a camera and microphone.

Best of dub
See, I told you...a glory hole is NOT the same as a peep hole.

Best of DaveP.
Man, that Zev Bellringer has a mean left cross.

Best of Double the U
ORA (REALLY obscure)
Us Tareyton smokers would rather fight than switch!

Best of Oiao
"Not to worry. I've taken harder beatings from Barney Frank's Man-Mate."

Best of Adriane
Jeepers! I didn't think that 'Hillary Gives State Dept a Black Eye' headline was supposed to be taken literally ...

Best of Matt the K
It was a tough break for Andy Warhol when he peeped through the glory hole at the precise moment Long Dong Silver saddled up.

Threadwinner: molson
If I had been any closer when Dawn's head exploded, I'd be a goner now.

Best of Submariner
So I says to her; "Why the long face, Sarah Jessica Parker?" And the damn mule kicked me...

Double Oh Oh

1. It's the sort of pic that makes you think nothing but "WTF?" for a solid 45 minutes.

2. There can be only one... Thank God.

3. Ang Lee's remake of Pippi Longstocking...yadda yadda yadda....

4. Bond manages to remain incognito while pursuing Blofeld to his secret base on Fire Island.

5. Bond's mission, assassinate Julian Assange over WikiLeaks. He chose the ideal disguise.

Best of blue
"I'll teach Ray Bradbury not to sniff around the Bond girls!!"

Best of Submariner
Johnny Weir's "Bond fantasies" were a bit different than other boys his age...

Best of dadoctah
Lara Croft has really let herself go.

Threadwinner: Double the U
I don't drink often, because when I do I usually start firing off guns wearing a thong, but when I do drink, I drink Dos Equis, stay thirsty my friends.

Best of Matt the K
Albert Broccoli presents: "The Spy Who Made Me Feel Extremely Uncomfortable"

Best of Matt the K
David Carradine was found in an eerily similar costume...

Best of Rosa Klebb
Oddly enough, I have a pair of boots just like that ... and the mustache ...

Best of Matt the K
For Sean Connery, this surely was 'The Longest Day'.

Best of Matt the K
Years later the desiccated, bullet-riddled body of Sean Connery's agent was found in the Mojave; this undeveloped picture was the last one found on the roll.

Best of DaveP.
...And then the Arizona Pride Parade came to a confused, frightened stop.

Best of racerboy and divine miss m
Scottish Macho Man was way too butch for the Village People.

Best of Oiao
If you only see red, and a hand gun in this photo, you are not gay!

Best of Matt the K
"No, Mister Bond, I expect you to dance!"

Can't I Just Finish My Popscle?

Knowledge is Power

Best of dadoctah
Durian popsicle: Grave international misunderstanding in three, two,...

Best of Silhouette
Oh yeah, Putin. Sure you kill whales with your bare hards while shirtless, but who's looking manly now, huh? In your face.

Best of GregMan
"Let me use this popsicle to show you what I used to do with Frank Marshall Davis."

Best of Matt the K
"President-san, you no mind sushi-popsicle??"
"No problem Emp, I've been licking something cold and fishy smelling for years."

Best of Oiao
Caption: Obama Sucks!

Threadwinner: JohnS1959
Mr. Obama takes a well deserved rest after bowing to every groundskeeper in the Chrysanthemum Palace.

Best of Rodney Dill
President Obama enjoys an Arugula flavored Popsicle from the new Nuanced flavor line.

Best of Double the U
As the other two snickered, Obama sat quietly eating his seaweed Popsicle wondering what his new Japanese name "Ding-dong" meant in English.

Best of Dr. Doom
Two revered leaders and a community organizer.

Meanwhile, Back in Iran

Brender


1. "You realize this is going to get us a sharply worded letter of disapproval from the UN."

2. "Once again, Hassan, you fired off prematurely."

3. "I don't have any pockets, Hassan, but I am happy to see you."

4. Ang Lee's remake of October Sky was notable for its rants against Zionism... and incestuous buttsecks, of course.

5. Desperate to escape from the stench, Hassan and Mohammed's body lice constructed a tiny rocket ship.

Best of Submariner
I'll tell you what it means, Abdul: I don't care a camel turd over what the Imam says now, and the hell with Sharia! Let's go find some liquor, a licker, and ENJOY waiting on the Israeli response...

Best of Dr. Doom
"Oh look Abdul, our non-agressive nuclear energy program went off by accident", said Mahmoud

Best of blue
"We need to cancel this foolish rocket program - what if one reaches heaven & deflowers my 72 virgins?"

Best of dadoctah
"Lemon Jolly Rancher?"
"Yeah, thanks."

Best of Oiao
Failing to achieve development of a working warhead, Arm-in-a-Dinner-Jacket substuded by placing Ackhamed the sucide bomber in the rocket instead.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Trust me, Shabaz, this is way more humane than stoning her.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I picked "Allah's Phallus" to win the missile naming pool, Hasti.
Well, I was going to pick "Ahmadinejad's Folly" but my dear wife begged me to reconsider so I chose "Flaming Camel Spit".

Best of Jack Reacher
Amir was unable to rhyme "I see London, I see France, I see the Zionist Entity obliterated," but he liked the flow of it, nonetheless.

Best of Jack Reacher
"We might as well call this program The Arafat; it sucks up all our money, and goes out with a whimper."

Best of Mr. Hankey
"The Israelis?? We're just planning to re-organize their community"

Best of Vinney
The Arabs lauch the first intercontinental taxi cab.

Rich Corinthian Leather

Brender


1. Ahnuld chuckles when he thinks of the VW Microbus that will soon be filling his parking space.

2. Safety features include driver's side windbag.

3. "Racer X is gaining on us, Chim-Chim. Throw your feces at him!"

4. Unable to bear a world without Leslie Neilsen, Arnold decided to just park in the garage with the engine running for a few hours.

5. Another addled senior citizen prepares to take out a farmer's market.

Best of Double the U
Arnold looked over to his wife in the passenger seat and for a brief second understood what was going through Uncle Teddy's mind that night in July of 1969.

Best of Whacko
It came to this: Water shut off in the valley; no water, no crops being grown, including corn; no corn, no ethanol; no ethanol, no fuel for Ahnuld's car.

Best of blue
Arnold looked around and wondered what happened to his Hummer....then he saw Maria getting in

Best of dadoctah
"What is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women. Oh, and a Skynyrd CD cranked up to ten."

Best of jj
Let's go pick up Spitzer and cruise for hookers.

Best of Jack Reacher
It's upholstered in leather and burns gasoline; In 2020, mere possession of it in California will get you ten years in prison.

Mistakes Were Made

Sondra K

Threadwinner: blue
Kid, you just need to be older & more experienced before you can get into a women's drawers.....

Best of Rodney Dill
The TSA is getting in your drawers.

Best of dadoctah
Save a seat on the short bus.

Best of Oiao
Kalvin!!!! Stay out of Army of Mom's Ammo drawer!!!!

Best of JohnS1959
The new Nanny line of Broyhill cabinets can save you a fortune on baby sitting fees.

Best of Submariner
Honest mistake; the kid heard his Mom tell a friend that his daddy was the "turkey baster" and he was trying to make a paternal visit...

Best of prince of leaves
Why just child-proof your cabinets, when you can teach them to fight back?

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: While the Proteus IV Home Automation System had an unhappy tendency to rape and kill homeowners and their guests, most of the bugs were worked out with Proteus V.

Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner Dactyl
Banana thought bubble: "That's what you get when you come onto Chiquita turf, kid."

Best of Vinney
To escape his fate, the kid was about to bite his leg off as the NAMBLA snare trapped an unsuspecting prey.

Best of dadoctah
"I blame the previous administration!"

Best of Jack Reacher
I see the the Ben Bernanke's Facebook page has childhood photos posted now.

Best of GregMan
The NAMBLA Toddler Trap claims yet another victim for it's owner, Bawney Fwank.

They Put a Little Helmet on it!

Fred

1. The only mystery is why he *isn't* wearing maize and blue.

2. Number 23 would later die tragically when he was spiked in the End Zone.

3. Number 81 backs off after noting that Number 23's helmet was at nad height.

4. ORA: "Sha-poopy. Sha-poopy. That girl is hard to get."

5. Forrest Stump.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Play after play, the opposing team kept falling down laughing as soon as a bunch of high pitched "helium voices" began yelling, "I'm freeee, I'm freeee, throw it to meeeeee!"

Best of dadoctah
After Hermey left Santa's workshop to become a dentist, the door was opened for other elves to explore alternative career paths.

Best of JohnS1959
Bobby always wanted to play for the Fighting Aryans but he came up a little short.

Please let me apologize for that - it has been a long week and I just went for the low hanging fruit...

... oops did it again...

Best of Silhouette
I love playing North Pole HS.

Best of Matt the K
The 'Short Receiver' position was a brief yet failed experiment in the Pop Warner league.

Best of Matt the K
Young Pedro Gonzalez was equally good at the position of Cornerback or Kicking Tee.

Best of Matt the K
Jimmy was even further humiliated when his coach insisted he add a decimal point in front of his number.

Best of Oaio
Ya ever see that rabbit in the Monty Python movie? Well, don't understimate the dwarfs either. Vicious I tell ya!

Best of jj
Jim Schwartz was seen in the press box frantically making phone calls, "Sign him, he can't possibly make the Lions any worse".

Best of Double the U
Hollywood, still out of ideas, tries to revive old sequels with "Honey I Shrunk the High School Football Team."

Best of Dactyl
"Come on baby, let's do the twist..." For Dr. Evil's amusement, Scott and Mini-Me reproduce John Travolta and Uma Thurman's dance scene from 'Pulp Fiction' while wearing football uniforms...On a football field...In the middle of a game...look, did you even see the third Austin Powers movie? IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE!!!

Best of Dactyl
I didn't know Dennis Kucinich played football in high school.

Best of Kaptain Krude
A rare photo of Hank Hill's father, who constantly berated Hank for playing football "the wussy way, not like how we did it when I was young".

Best of Submariner
ORA: After reviewing the boardroom video, the Packers decided to offer Miles Finch a tryout at MLB.

The Next Day

New Mogadishu News

1. "OK, guys, on three, we all break into 'The Stripper."

2. "If one more idiot yells 'Play some Skynyrd!', this cornet is going up his ass. Sideways."

3. "And down goes another snare drummer. Who planned the parade route through Compton?"

4. ♪ "We're Sergeant Pepper's Marching Dorks Club band..." ♫

5. As Obama took the stage, the band switched from 'Hail to the Chief' to 'American Idiot.'

Best of GregMan
Tom (l., with hand in pants) thinks about that one time in band camp.

Best of dadoctah
Dance, Bristol! Dance like you've never danced before!

Best of Barney Frank
"little Boy Blue, come blow my horn..."

Best of Whacko
Herb Alpert has indeed fallen on hard times.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Guillermo del Toro's directorial debut was a low budget remake of "The Charge of the Light Brigade" using the horn section of a local high school band, a dozen midgets and miniature ponies plus a lot of fog machines.

Best of Vinney
You know when played by a marching band, Play That Funky Music White Boy is a catchy tune.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Dammit Stewie get back in formation and stop following fat people around with the Tuba."

Best of Submariner
hey, Hey, HEY! Watch where you stick that slide, ya monor.

Happy Thanksgiving Monors

Look Ma, No Camel Toe

Brender

1. Always trying to be helpful, Tina limbers up for her TSA pat down while still on the airport shuttle.

2. Tina unleashes the awesome power of MEGAQUEEF!

3. So, Army of Mom, whole outfit, or just the fabulous boots?

4. Blondes often have difficulty using the overhead compartment.

5. Can you read lips?

Best of Submariner
I for one think it unreasonable for city leadership to make someone who breaks a hip take a tram to the emergency room...

Best of Submariner
Cissy obliviously practised her routines all the way to the Cowgirl tryouts, knocking out a Starbuck's Barrista, three Hare Krishna's and two homeless bums panhandling on the subway in the process.

Best of jj
San Francisco Police are looking for an accomplice, pictured above, to a string of armed robberies. The victims, all blind men between the ages of 20 and 45, were lured off of San Francisco buses thinking they were at Fisherman's Wharf where they were robbed of their valuables. Anyone with info are urged to call SFPD.

Best of Oiao
One hell of a birth defect made her very popular in High School.

Best of sonicfrog
OK. That may be a very useless super-power... But it sure is fun to watch.

Best of dadoctah
Before the real movie was even in theaters, the pr0n industry had already released its knockoff, "The Green Slattern", to rave reviews.

Best of Matt the K
See, Bobby, THIS is why you should keep your feet and hands inside the vehicle at all times!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Helga had a special trick for dislodging a stubborn diaphragm.
Ladies, do NOT try this at home. Performed on a closed course by a trained bendy person.

Sitting Pretty

Brender


1. The installation was supposed to keep the homeless from crapping in the street, but it instead only attracted avant garde white yuppies.

2. "Hey, are you gonna read that sports page?"

3. DATELINE: Boise, Idaho. A public monument to Senator Larry Craig was unveiled this week.

4. After the TSA heard that Al Qaeda was planning to drop cherry bombs in a school toilet, private restrooms were abolished for "security" reasons.

5. "Wow, that government-issue soylent green just goes right through you."

Yes, Akbar and Jeff References are ORA

1. "Hold on a minute. You're not my daughter. If you're stripping at the Shriner's Club, who did I send to the biker bar?"

2. "North and South Korea are shooting at each other. The president needs a crack team of diplomats immediately, and we're the best he's got!"

3. "No, Honey. That is not a proper 'Sailor Moon' outfit. Now, get your ass back home and change while I stall those Japanese businessmen a little longer."

4. "My goal of wearing every flower-pot in America on my head is nearing completion."

5. "Excuse me, have you heard the good news about Ron Paul? Or Rand Paul? Or Mrs. Paul's? Throw me a bone, here."

Best of Rodney Dill
The TSA recently booked Pippy Longstrokin' and Fezzy Twink to educate its employs on good vs. bad touching.

Best of Jack Reacher
"It's just for a little while, Dear, and afterward I wouldn't be surprised if she made you an Assistant Deputy Secretary of State. Now, go on and take one for the team."

Best of dadoctah
"Now you just stand there while I tell the desk clerk I'd like a room 'for myself and my wife of sixteen years'."

Best of curly
"Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus...He's right here, in my pants!"

Best of Artfldgr
Gepeto! a minute ago I was a marionette, now i am so confused... why do you have your hand down the back of my pants?

Best of Spin
I divorce you,I divorce you,I divorce you.

Allah Achbar

Threadiwnner: prince of leaves
1963: Commodore Hubbard welcomes aboard a new Sea Org recruit.

Best of Submariner
Pardon me, Miss; are you aware of any 7/11s that are for sale?

Two Butt Pirates and a Git-box

1. John Gayer strums "Your Butt is a Wonderland."

2.OK, I admit. Having a twink sit on my bed and play Jon Mayer songs in his boxer shorts would be kind of sweet, actually.

3. "I want to write a tender ballad to celebrate the beauty and wonder that is our love. What rhymes with 'fisting?'"

4. "That was the best TSA search ever!"

5. "Don't fall asleep now, Ricky. What if Army of Mom comes back and wants another round?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The pron site 'Mike's Apartment' never quite recovered from Mike's unexpected bi-curious phase. Mike never did either, but he's taking 2 dozen pills a day trying.

Best of dadoctah
E! True Hollywood Story: Justin Bieber.

Best of DaveP.
From the official video for Jeff Stryker's crossover CW hit, "Pop You in the Pooper".

Best of Submariner
Looks like Todd has already strummed Tommy's G string.

Best of prince of leaves
Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy share a tender rapprochement in Ang Lee's "Deathly Hallows"

TSA's Newest Employee

The Looking Spoon

Pour moi?

Brender

1. The iWon comes perilously close to manual labor. Traumatized by the experience, he eventually resigns and takes a tenured position at the Kennedy School of Government.

2. "What can I say? Destroying America makes a guy hungry!"

3. "Ever see an old white woman get clocked with a pizza box? Watch this!"

4. Caryn kept smiling while discreetly making the American Sign Language gesture for "Butt Pirate."

5. "Yes'm Missy Dawn, I be bringin' yo' pizza, Lawd have mercy. Don' let yo' head be explodin' now!"

Best of paul mitchell
Patty Murray was depressed that her first date with the Obamessiah was less than swanky. And that he wasn't actually a girl.

Best of Jack Reacher
Halal Pizza gets a new customer.

Best of Vinney
Name one good thing that ever came out of Chicago?

Deep dish pizza.

Best of dadoctah
Every Thursday night, the POTUS liked to go out for pizza with (clockwise from left) Tina Fey, Seth Rogen and the mummified corpse of Andy Warhol.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Trouble is in store as Barack is about to feed Michelle after midnight...

Best of Rodney Dill
Obongo like candy.

Best of prince of leaves
When you order from Obamino's, it's there in under $30 trillion - guaranteed!

Was It Good For You, Too?

1. Before joining the TSA, Mr. Flannigan was a Roman Catholic Priest and would have gotten his ass sued over this. But as a unionized Federal employee under a Democrat president, he's like a kid in a candy factory.

2. "Please stop moaning, Mr. Sullivan.... No, I will not meet you later for coffee."

3. "Senator Craig, this is your fourth time through security today. How many flights are you on?"

4. Compared to his previous job working as a personal assistant to Rosie O'Donnell, this wasn't so bad.

5. TSA Employee Wilbur Flannigan solves the mystery of SNL's "Pat" once and for all.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Biggest pair I've ever seen, Hillary."

Best of Rodney Dill
Waddams finally finds his stapler.

Best of Army of Dad
What would you do for a Klondike bar?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Unfortunately for the airport, TSA wouldn't fire Pat Down Specialist Felton just because his OCD compells him to zip and unzip every male passenger's fly 74 times before allowing them to board.

Best of Whacko
"Yes, I did used to play soccer. Why do you ask?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Okay, there's yer problem..."

Best of Kaptain Krude
Sully had finally found his dream job.

Best of jj
Yup, you've got a pair. Guess you aren't a member of congress.

Best of metalgarth
Semi ORA: I see Joey Tribiani's tailor got a new job

Best of Jack Reacher
"The baby's crowning. Push...push!"

Best of Vinney
What is strange is at Key West International Airport passengers were tipping after body cavity searches.

Best of Rodney Dill
I for one welcome our genitalia groping overlords.

Sunday Whatever

Al


Best of Passionate Conservative
Bitch, gimme that bouquet or you get this shiv right in your belly!

Best of prince of leaves
If you think that's creepy, you should have seen the anatomically-correct groom's cake.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Except for brother Willie - fresh from doing a dime in the state pen - all the guests politely declined to eat the bride.

Best of Kaptain Krude
The "Bitch stole my fish" guy was forever scarred by white girls.

Best of Rodney Dill
Vahry rahsonable fahr a cahk of that mahgnitude.
(ORA)

Best of Army of Dad
Leroy thought the cake was only appropriate as he had to roll her in flour the first time they met.

Best of Mr, Hankey
Julie was dismayed when her 10 year old brother kept yelling "I get a t*tt*e!!"

Best of dadoctah
Where da white cake at?

Best of VInney
I'll have a slice of booty.

Welcome to Escanaba

Best of prince of leaves
The NYT theater critic called the play a deeply insightful meditation on everyday life outside the five boroughs.

Best of prince of leaves
After the 2010 GOP sweep, Log Cabin Republicans hold an eponymously-themed strategy retreat.

Best of blue
"...after we make fun of the guy in white lets go help Sarah drag that firewood in here..."

Best of Submariner
Whoa; Menudo has, well, you know... Yeah, I guess they're really about where everyone expected, aren't they?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
AP: USO Thanksgiving Tour - Kandahar: Red Green's performance of YMCA received the same response as their homemade possum tofu-burgers with linseed oil mayo.

Best of curly
Wow! The Village People have really let themselves go!

Best of dadoctah
"Avengers assemble!"

Best of Artfldgr
Everyone told Rodger Daltry that his staring in a back story revival of Tommy featuring "Uncle Ernie at a lumberjack camp" was a mistake...

Best of Artfldgr
Let me be the first to notice that Canadian rock music has changed over the years, not necessarily for the better.

Best of Artfldgr
Awe hell, here we are all comfortable for the sex in the city marathon and I forgot the butter...







For the popcorn of course!

Best of Rodney Dill
While not keeping busy by clinging to their guns and religion the group practiced their rendition of "Oklahoma"

Best of Vinney
Somehow the Key West Gay Community Theatre production of Stalag 17 just wasn't convincing.

Sarah Logs On

Sondra K

1. Sarah pauses briefly to observe Ned Beatty's brutal abuse by the inbred hillbillies, then calmly resumes her work.

2. "On second thought, that one's a little thin on the wall side. Don't worry, kids, I'll find us a gosh darn Christmas tree if I have to clearcut this whole forest."

3. "How do ya like me now, Treebeard?"

4. "On second thought, why bother with the tree? I'll just shove the chainsaw up Maher's a$$."

5. "Eat your heart out, Abe Lincoln."

Best of Vinney
When Sarah Palin learned Levi Johnston wasn't circumsized, she offered her services.

Threadwinner: Whacko
"Maybe only God can make 'em but I can sure as gosh darn heck cut 'em down!"

Best of Tim
Sarah had just about enough of Joan Baez's dirty hippy treehouse.

Best of Rodney Dill
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay
I sleep all night and I work all day

Best of Oiao
"There, now I can actually see Russia from my house! Someone invite Tina Fey over to enjoy the view!"

Best of dub
Ironically, last night I was working my wood while watching Nalin Palin.

Best of Mephitis
More work in one take for a TV show than the current preznit has done in a lifetime. Yep, pretty sure that's accurate.

Best of Jack Reacher
If a tree falls in the forest, and it lands on Joe McGinniss, does anyone care?

Best of Jack Reacher
"Yeah, that's nice, Mr. President, I saw you harvested some trees on Farmville. That must have been exciting for you, huh? Real outdoorsy stuff, eh?"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Cherry tree? Sheeeit. That's nothing."

Best of prince of leaves
Even if it meant cutting down every tree in the forest, Sarah wouldn't rest until she had enough Spotted Owl chick appetizers for all her Thanksgiving guests.

Best of Submariner
Well golly, gosh durn it! The length is good on this one but it's too small in diameter to really please me...

Best of mega
NY Times: "Palin Kills Tree; Quenches Thirst On Druid Tears"

Best of Silhouette
"Hey Obama, nice valence." http://bit.ly/PLFNY

ORA: They Sorta Remind Me of Depeche Mode

Sondra K


Best of Double the U
...and still the White House denied there was an illegal immigrant problem.

Best of Army of Mom
That reminds me. I need to have my lawn mowed.

Best of Army of Mom
Hey Paco, the 70s called. They want their belt and shoes back.

Best of Army of Dad
'Cause every girl goes crazy for a sharp dressed man!

Best of blue
The band played the Mexican National Anthem while Obama bowed to himself

Best of Matt the K
Sacramento, CA 2014:
The new Governor invites his family to move in.

Best of Matt the K
World's fanciest Chi-Chi's.

Best of Submariner
Another reason for the cost of the last Presidential State Tour; rather than a normal ring or buzzer, The One prefers to be awoken by the sound of music.

Best of mega
Michael Moore's new fantasy about a Bush assassination, featuring a Mariachi Band playing playing "the world's smallest violins" while a middle-aged Selena belts out "La Raza...Texas es mi pais" grossed $106.20 at the box office but was declared by the New York Times to capture "the zeitgeist of a generation".

Best of mega
Look, it's just cheaper to use Mexicans than to buy a chessboard, why is that racist?

Best of jj
Elaine is put on suicide watch at the sight of the revival of the Urban Sombrero.

Threadwinner: molson
Screw this... I don't think Cher is going to show.

An Encore Presentation

Babe Previously Aired

Three Sum

Best of Whacko
That reminds me - I need to pick up a six-pack on the way home.

Best of Jack Reacher
Thanks for the mammaries.

Best of Steve O
Suddenly, I'm worried about inflation.

Best of Army of Dad
Damn, where is a trampoline when you need one?

Best of Oiao
And the mistery was finally solved concerning all the missing crome from the trailer hitches at Lake Hummer.

Threadwinner: Army of Mom
I can't believe Sesame Street brought out this trio to demonstrate triangles after the Katy Perry fiasco.

Best of Artfldgr
And lo to preserve their personhood we will not look at them no matter how raunchy they dress. Out of respect demanded by their leaders will forbear using such stricken terms as bosoms, bozangas, melons, puppies, hooters, honkers, bumpers, balloons, headlights, zeppelins, missiles, mangoes, bodacious ta ta's, glass cutters, watermelons,baby feeders,cup cakes, dairy pillows, hood ornaments, rib bumpers,wahwahs, soombas, torpedoes, milk jugs, knockers, and flapdoodles. We thank you for your respect and kindness in this matter...

Danika Danika Bodanika Banana Fanna Fo Fanika Fe Fi Fofanika Danika!

Putin and the Puppy

Sondra K

1. "Thank you, I can't wait to eat it."

2. "You see, this is where Cruella de Vil went wrong. I only need 10, maybe 12 of these to make a good coat."

3. "In honor of the American First Lady, I will name him, 'Old Yeller.'"

4. "Cool, let's shoot it into space until it dies."

5. Putin's affection for the animal was short-lived, as was the animal itself when it crapped on the seat of his Harley.

Best of Matt the K
"I guess the Russians love their puppies too", mused a wistful Sting.

Best of Matt the K
The mindmeld complete, Chairman Scruffy promptly destroyed his humanoid parasite.

Best of HLam
Putin's mistake of confusing the pooch for a Winter Muff proved fatal for the dog when one hand entered it's mouth and another hand entered it's rump.

Best of GregMan
"And I will hug him and squeeze him and name him George."

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Putin discovers how "Puddles" got his nickname

Best of Jack Reacher
"I will name him Chechnya, and keep my hand always at his throat. Bwahahahahahahha! Oh, I slay me."

Best of Steve O
Being all out of iPods, Happy Meal toys, and DVD's didn't matter -- once the State Department came up with exactly the right idea.

Best of Adriane
And here I always thought Beethoven was German ...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Dear Humane Society Forum - As a puppy, I never thought I'd be writing to you about my sex adventures, but...

Best of JohnS1959
"Alright America, sign the Nuclear Non-Proliferation treaty or the puppy gets it", threatened Mr. Putin.

Instant Captions: Just Add Carpe Phlogistan

1. Thawtbubble - Now I see why Bawney Fwank asked me to pick up one of these and meet him at the Motel 6.

2. Thawtbubble - Checklist for Fed's next Open Market Committee (FOMC)

video cam and tripod - check

automated dildo - check

automated dildo - check

hooker hogtied to conference table - check

3. Credit Fraud, Debased Currency and IRONY - Whaddya mean, you won't take a check?

4. This isn't a new idea, guys. We've been reaming the public for years.

5. The FDA just rejected clinical trial data for this device and the banks refused the company's request for a credit extension. Bernanke is about to be held down and probed until they work out an acceptable loan modification.

Best of curly
Tthe situation is dire; I must call President Obama on my new Vodaphone Model X-5000, endorsed by soccer players world-wide."

Best of Rodney Dill
220, 221, whatever it takes.

Best of Whacko
"No, I don't know what it is either. I just like watching that thing on the end go in and out."

Best of Jack Reacher
Previous Fed secretaries had adjustable money-sprayers, sure. But this one goes to eleven.

Best of Steve O
So, with this little device, an air passenger can avoid the scanners AND the pat-down?
Well, this should end the controversy.

Best of dadoctah
Can't locate her g-spot? There's an app for that.

Best of DaveP.
You're kidding me, right? You guys took down Gozer the Gozerian with this trash?

Best of Army of Mom
Oddly enough, I have one of these.

Best of Army of Mom
Dr. Crusher had the most creative holodeck programs. They were also the messiest to clean up later.

Switching Blog to Auto-Pilot

I am leaving on a short trip to Utah to finish adoptionizing my son Sean. There's WiFi at the hotel, but just in case it sucks or I'm too busy, I left the blog on auto-pilot; with some guest captioning and Free For Alls to fill in the gap. I'll check in when I can.

Soccer? I Barely Know Her

1. And the British Team wins the All-Europe Charades Championship. The Category: Lesser Known Star Wars Characters. The Solution: Kit Fisto.

2. "Dude, can't we just buy a new gerbil?"

3. How Andrew Sullivan eats a Reese's.

4. "Bet you wish you had opted for the body scan now, huh?"

5. Compared with European half-time shows, American "wardrobe malfunctions" are incredibly tame.

Best of Vinney
What happened? I used to like Penn and Teller's act.

Best of GregMan
So that's where that birth certificate has been all this time...

Best of molson
Not another backdoor play. Soccer is so predictable.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Deleted scenes from "Invictus"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Dude, don't touch my junk or I'll have you arres... DUDE!"

Best of Oiao
Announcer: "Oh, that is definitely a Yellow Card offense. If he grabs him by the sack, that is a Red Card!"

Best of Oiao
"Look! Jimmy Hoffa!"

(Yeah, I'm dating myself with that one)

Best of Adriane
Ang Lee remakes Bend It Like Beckham ... or maybe Deep Throat ... I'm really not sure from this angle.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I'm not Ray Bradbury but..., ah, whatever man."

Best of JohnS1959
"I told you what would happen if you blew that vuvuzela one more time Miguel", shouted Juan.

Twink Fight!

1. "It happens to be a huge honor to be the centerpiece of the Folsom Street Easter Parade. Now, stop struggling and let me crucify you."

2. "Two Twinks Enter! One Twink Leaves! Two Twinks Enter! One Twink Leaves!"

3. "Could you guys be a little less vanilla? Maybe make like those two soccer players? This is the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog, not Target."

4. "Aw... c'mon... dude... share... your... ludes..." The fight was slow, languorous and not all that intense.

5. "Janeway!... New Kirk!... Janeway!... New Kirk!" Fights over which star fleet captain was the most fabulous could get downright catty.

Best of Vinney
"You know Seigfried, we should work some big cats into the act."

Best of sonicfrog
In the Ang Lee remake of "Top Gun", Goose and Maverick share a closer relationship than before... Much Closer!

Best of metalgarth
The new Mortal Kombat game sold exactly 3 copies: 1 to George Takei, 1 to Ang Lee, and 1 one to Army of Mom

Best of Mr. Hankey
The TSA is placating to progressives by having Abercrombie models do any further airport pat-downs.

Best of Banana Republican
This is why home improvement projects never get done on time at Army of Mom's house.

Sarah's Feminine Protection

Sondra K


1. Sarah sends a message to Ted Rall. "Bring it, Bitch!"

2. Although the gun shop owner failed to provide a phased plasma rifle in the 40-watt range, the Sarahnator was nevertheless able to complete its mission.

3. "Wow! Look at the size of the Bibles Section! I *love* shopping at Bitter Clingers."

4. "Mr. Olbermann... I'm ready for my 'close-up.'"

5. Sarah's experience dealing with the MFM proved very valuable during the Zombie apocalypse.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I really miss the media... but my aim is improving."

Best of GregMan
"Now where did those liberals get to?"

Best of Rodney Dill
At the Palin 2012 headquarters: "LEEROY JENKINS!!!!"

Best of jj
Sarah to shop owner, "C'mon Tom, where's the Barrett M107?"

Best of metalgarth
For some strange reason "Call of Duty: Alaska" sold most of its copies to Glen Beck fans

Best of Double the U
=\ Sarah Palin's first cost cutting measure as President was to cut costs by firing the secret service and handle security herself.


Best of Kaptain Krude
"I came here to kick liberal ass and chew bubblegum. *ka-chok* And I'm all out of bubblegum." I knew right then, this remake is gonna rock!

Best of Oiao
Sarah knows how to accessorize!

Best of blue
"I'll show you how to organize a community!"

Best of prince of leaves
"...or should I get the M590 with the bayonet knife...?" Todd hated being dragged along shopping with the indecisive Sarah.

Best of Rodney Dill
We could use a woman of that caliber in the Whitehouse.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
If'n I read just one crack by Dub about my hips or tummy roll... I'll Cheney-ize him.

Best of Dactyl
Have you ever noticed how zombie movies are never set in Alaska?

Monors Helping Monors

Monor Matt the K had made a pretty awesome video, which you should go to and vote for. First of all, it's very well done. Second, he's a fellow monor, and he'd do it for you. Third, it's not like you've got anything better to do, or you wouldn't be wasting your time on this blog. (And yes, there are hot babes involved.)

Munchkinland Disco Inferno

"a huge fan of your blog"


1. Obama is so dumb, when someone said this scene reminded them of a 'scene from a Fellini movie,' he unzipped his fly.

2. "Get, um, behind me, um, children. It's a hung tran and it's coming this, um, way."

3. The Obamas discover the forgotten disco room at the White House, which had been unused since the Carter Era.

4. Wookies, Jawas, Fett Clones... Obama marveled in his ability to bring all kinds together.

5. M'Chel's crotchless skirt was a big hit at the Weinstein bar mitzvah.

Best of JohnS1959
Borrowing a page from Santa's playbook, the President hires a number of elves to build a coalition to save Obamacare. They are seen here working on a catchy jingle...

Best of GregMan
Munchkin looking over his shoulder: "Aieeeee! Gojira!"

Best of dadoctah
I'm not sure where Chuck E Cheese is going with this new batch of robots they've put in.

Best of Jack Reacher
The Obamas figured that an Oompa Loompa convention at the Iowa City Radisson was as good as a Veterans Day ceremony, so why not?

Best of Jack Reacher
Riverdunce.

Best of metalgarth
"Dance Dance Revolution: MSNBC Edition" killed the franchise

Best of blue
Short Person:"I don't care if she is the first lady...no way I'm going up on that broad!!"

I smell a standard caption meme...

There was nothing captionable in this set of photos, but the name of the photographer made me LOL.

Maid in America

1. "Because of ObamaCare, I can't afford to keep the entire household staff. I have to let two of you go, and I think the fairest, most amusing way to choose the lucky ones is a no-holds-barred cage match... Thunderdome, if you will..."

2. "I'm so very, very disappointed in you, Vivian. How could you vote for Christine O'Donnell?" Kathleen Parker deals with the help.

3. "Vivian, there's a negro at the door. You hold him at bay with the Glock while I dial 911."

4. "Of course I accept your sexuality, son. It's just weird how you and your father have the same cross-dressing fetish."

5. "I don't mean to appear so disappointed, Army of Mom. I had just heard so many legendary things about your outfits that this one is something of a letdown."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
After the initial shock of arriving home early and catching Herman in drag wore off, it dawned on Gertrude... "Well, hey, I don't have to do any more freaking dishes, ironing or vacuuming, do I, Hermoine?"

Best of prince of leaves
In Bizarro World, Mrs. Sumner is devastated when she learns that the household staff is replacing her with a illegal immigrant.

Best of jimmy
Iris was livid. "I don't care if you've hired Gloria Allred, get back in the kitchen and make me a cocktail."

Best of Oiao
I keep having this reoccuring vison of a big spider that will satisfy me. Go get me a big spider!

Best of blue
...and put Ray Bradbury in the room next to mine."

Cracked Rearview

Friday's Pic from the Backside... (Thanks, Sondra K)



Best of Whacko
"Hey M'chel, watch my back. I need to pee."

Best of Submariner
Oops I Crapped My Pants; endorsed by Mrs. The President since 2008.

Best of dub
Best.Jack.Links.Beef.Jerky.Commercial.EVAH!

Threadwinner: Chronos the Wonder Pig
2 big asses

Best of Mr Hankey
"The rule is 5 steps behind me you fool..."
"Yes Michelle..."

Best of Vinney
"I just gave her a wedgie."

Best of Steve O
What's green and goes boom, boom, boom when it walks.

Pull My Finger on $200M a Day

2xU

1. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

2. "No, I'm not Lando Calrissian... this is not that weird monkey-faced co-pilot dude. And if you have any further questions, address them to Chewbacca, here."

3. "Yes, we realize your country is on an active earthquake fault. The First Lady has promised no dancing."

4. "Chinese, Korean, whatever. You guys all look alike to me."

5. Obama attempts to place the blame for an audible greenhouse gas emission.

Best of Oiao
"See, the Volcano Gods are agnry at you because your government will not devalue your currency like the US is doing!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
The Fickle Finger Of Fate makes a triumphant return!!

Best of champaignken
Can we get a burqa on this one? I can still see her face.

Best of Submariner
Thriteen; I have, uh,THIRteen rupies. Do I, um, hear fourteen? OK. Thirteen going, uh, once...

ATDHE-A

Best of HLam
"That guy didn't check his shoes at the door. Have him arrested."

Best of molson
So where I am suppose to bow? Over here?

Best of prince of leaves
Meanwhile, at the Star Trek convention, the Best Costume awards go to a Ferengi, Lokai/Bele, and a Cardassian.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"It is quite apparent, um, that, um, this is not, um, where the, um, white women, um, are at."

Best of Adriane
Hey! at least she took the curtain rod out...

Best of prince of leaves
"Those smokestack thingies your mosques all have...you ever notice they sorta look like giant wieners?"

Best of prince of leaves
"Boy, it sure brings back memories, hearing the mezzuzah doing the call to prayer from that menorahette over there."

Best of Whacko
"You mean there's been a golf course right over there the whole time? WTF?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In an impromptu skit for the crowd, Pat Morita agrees to teach obamalama martial arts by repeatedly having him wax on/wax off/wax on/wax off Michelle's facial hair.

Best of Oiao
"And if it were not for pure luck, I'd still be living in that slum over there."

Attract of the Clones

1. "F-ck the droids. This is what we were looking for."

2. 'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'

3. "Yeah, well, Yoda is full of crap. 'Size matters not,' my ass."

4. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."

5. "You guys are a little too vanilla for us. Do you know Kit Fisto?"

Best of Whacko
"Hey there, Mr. Trooper, is that a wight saber in your codpiece or are you just happy to see me?"

Best of Double the U
Standard Caption: Andrew Sullivan's search for "White male hard bodies" was disappointing.

Best of Rodney Dill
Star Wars 7: Return of the Clone Whores

Best of Army of Dad
Careful girls, don't you know how bad a storm trooper's aim is?

Best of dadoctah
"I got a warm and tingly feeling about this."

Threadwinner: Dactyl
Q: what do you see here?
A: three Thai men pretending to be something they're not, and three Imperial Stormtroopers.

Best of Vinney
Things haven't changed in eons. The Troopers were on R&R, attracted to the bar girls pleas, "I go home with you. You number one GI."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
When the nerds woke up naked in bed together and realized the girls had taken their wallets and costumes, a pact was made to never ever mention having a three-way at the convention.

Best of Submariner
I.See.FOUR.Whites.

Best of Adriane
White pants, white vest,
white helmet and all the rest,
Charged up blaster, that's all I own ...
But every girl's crazy 'bout a sharped dress clone!!!

Nice Boots

Yeah, I Know, It's Thursday, Here's Yer Gosh Darn Eye Candy

You Gotta Hang In Until the Punchline

Make a Wish, Inshallah

1. Meanwhile, the TSA was too busy strip searching a two-year-old to care.

2. "Hand over the money or we begin lighting his farts."

3. The San Francisco Happy Meal Ban Enforcement Squad wrestles a miscreant to the ground and pries the Megamind toy from his fingers.

4. "Welcome to your fraternity hazing. You might want to keep your legs spread in this position... for a while."

5. Dub is wrestled down by the deprogramming squad and forcibly carried to the nearest Curves.

Best of jj
Former Speaker of the House Pelosi is escorted from her office.

Best of GregMan
What happens when some kid won't get off of Speaker Boehner's lawn.

Best of dadoctah
You ask me, Menudo is trying a little too hard these days.

Best of divine miss m
We want a round of margaritas and we want them now.

Best of Artfldgr
Is that any way to act in a bowling alley?
Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In rough parts of Iraq, reformed terrorists help ensure that Domino's pizzas are delivered "in 30-minutes or less."

Best of Jack Reacher
The Old Navy mannequin displays get creepier every year, don't they?

Best of Submariner
Won't THEY be surprised when they take off the hood only to find out they've kidnapped one of their own for ransom and it's Helen Thomas...

Best of Dr. Doom
Shortly after attacking the Marine position, the Al-Qaeda cell arrives in paradise. Only to discover that it is a bus station in Newark and they are the only virgins to be found...

Threadwinner: Kaptain Krude
"Dammit, Mark, stop humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme!"

Let the Yiffing Begin

1. Oh, Vice President Biden, you incorrigible reprobate, you.
2. "Oh, it's a snake!"
3. For a minute I thought that was Robin Williams, then I realized it wasn't hairy enough.
4. Hey Chuck E Cheese added an adult section. I approve.
5. "No, masturbation merely gives you hairy knuckles. It takes weeks with a Fleshlight and internet pron to get to this."

Best of Jack Reacher
Switching to a male masseuse didn't really improve Al Gore's behavior.

Best of Army of Dad
Fondled by a 'coon in a corset...ATDHE?

Best of molson
The adventures of Scritchy and Yiffy. Chapter 69.

Best of Oiao
Where will you be when you boss finds a compromising picture of you on Facebook?

Best of Rocky Racoon
Mom??? Dad!!!

Threadwinner: Submariner
Have you seen my 'tapler?

Best of Oiao
Meanwhile, in the land of the tiny medallions....

Best of Whacko
So a guy walks into a bar with no pants and a giant gerbil. Stop me if you've heard this one.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"No, I said my name is *DAVE* Bradbury! Now leave me alone!"

Best of Rodney Dill
July pic from the Girls of U of M calendar.

Still Way More Butch than Justin Bieber

1. "Let the boys listen to Lady Ga Ga, you said. What possible harm could come of it," you said.

2. "Princess Ariel? Dammit, Timmy, that wasn't the costume we agreed on."

3. "First off, Mr. Bieber would like to thank all of you groupies for turning out..."

4. Hooters did a lot of market research before opening its Castro Street location.

5. "I warned you not to let them play league soccer. I WARNED you!"

Best of JohnS1959
I'll take Epic Parenting Fails for $200, Alex

Best of blue
The one post-op explains to the 5 pre-ops what the next step really is

Best of molson
Put your hands together for your Folsom Street cheer squad for 2011.

Best of Submariner
The Fighting Aryans? Not so much...

Best of dadoctah
I don't know what kind of treatment they're using on that lawn, but we should probably keep the kids from going out on it barefoot.

Best of Nose
Barney Frank has a sudden and unexplained urge for chicken wings and beer.

Best of Mr. Hankey
"Come join NAMBLA's happy hour this Saturday night"

Not a Future Quarterback, But Probably a Wide Receiver

1. "Smile son. Mommy just has to take one quick picture than talk your daddy down from the roof."

2. Trick or Treating on Castro Street, Timmy got 18 Tootsie rolls, 16 blow pops, 12 Hershey bars, and 143 phone numbers.

3. "Um... no," AoM said simply. "Even *I* have some standards."

4. Billy loved his fairy princess costume almost as much as he loved playing with his wand.

5. "Hey, ma, your queer idiot kid is sh-tting in the pumpkin again."

Best of Jack Reacher
Marin County Boy Scout troops are, well, a little different from most.

Best of Vinney
There was only so much Tommy could do to divert attention from his massive hemorrhoids.

Best of blue
"I'm home from school Mom, Do you have my Halloween costume ready?"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Aunt Bee: "Andy, Opie is dressing like a girl again."
Andy: " Barney, load your bullet."

Best of Submariner
Johnny Weir went through a Ginger phase during elementary school.

This Olympics trivia moment has been brought to you by the Folsom Street Fair Committee, proud sponsors of the 2012 Fire Island Games.

Best of Oiao
Overheard at a breakfast table in California early the 1970's: "Now John, stop being such an uptight conserative. What could possibly go wrong with adding a little progressive liberal balance into the shool curriculum?"

Threadwinner: prince of leaves
Jimmy had a dream. A big dream. A dream that one day, he too could grow up to be the First Lady of Cameroon.

Best of prince of leaves
Wow, Macaulay Culkin has really let himself...uhh...oh hell, I have no clue what he's done, actually.

Best of Spin
C'mon kid, I gotta carry the pumpkin by that stem.

And then, across a crowded room, their eyes met

1. Being President means no one reminds you not to play pocket pool while shaking hands.

2. "So, we have a deal then, Mr. Johnson. The '78 Pinto is yours as soon as the check clears."

3. "On three, we clothesline Pelosi!"

4. "All right, Indian Wrestling it is. Loser bangs Pelosi."

5. "So, have you ever sucked dick for weed?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
It's nice to see that Nancy was able to plaster a smile on her face. Literally plaster.

Best of JohnS1959
"Well played sir", offered the President, "Shall we make it double or nothing for the Senate?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"You've saved or created about 65 Republican jobs on Capitol Hill. Congratulations, Mr. President!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Nancy can barely contain her glee after the old superglue prank worked again.

Best of Oiao
"Mr. President. I'm tossing out those nasty curtains in Pelosi's office and then setting the sites on that ugly rug in your's"

Best of Double the U
Hi, thank you and welcome to Amway.

She Doesn't Dance Like a Black Chick... Ooooh, Racist!

Van Helsing


1. "I win. Now, one of y'all go get me a Slurpee!"

2. Portions of India experienced minor earthquakes earlier today.

3. "Yes, Mrs. The President, it is a very old traditional Indian folk dance. Now, clap your hands and say 'Hey, Macarena.'"

4. And After M'Chel completed the fertility dance, Indian birth rates went into a steep and irreversible decline leading to the country's complete depopulation by 2074.

5. "Very nice, Mrs. The President, but our employers closed down the call center for this event and none of us will be able to eat next week unless you leave right ... What? It was so much fun you want to do it again? (Sigh) All right, Mrs. The President, let us cue up the dance track again..."
Best of Whacko
"Look", said M'chell, "When I stomp the ground, I can get three cheerleaders airborne,"

Best of dub
Ok, that's enough hop scotch....will you PLEASE fix my laptop now??

Best of jj
...anyone else having trouble getting ahold of DirecTV technical support today?

Best of JohnS1959
"And then he got the umbrella caught in the gate." The First Lady recounts a recent trip to the Gulf Coast through interpretive dance...

Best of Jack Reacher
Boy at far right "Heh, heh, it looks like two dogs fighting under a picnic blanket."

Threadwinner: Submariner
ORA I call it the "Jump To Conclusions" game and I need a marketing group...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In hot climates, 'Chel opts for kitchen curtains instead of the heavy drapes.

Best of prince of leaves
Michelle's ego was terribly bruised when she discovered it was actually a special-needs school, and that the class clapped excitedly like that for everyone who played the game.

Best of blue
It's just a jump to the left and then a step to the right

Best of divine miss m
Invisible hula hoop: ur doin' it right, actually.

Best of Double the U
""Schlemiel, schlimazel, hasenpfeffer incorporated!"
The Laverne and Shirley remake was canceled after one show.

Sunday Cheerleaders in Freefall

Fred Miranda


Best of blue
OK, now pull the rip cords - uuuhh?? OH, OH

Best of dadoctah
En route to the Nationals, the squad takes advantage of the opportunity to unload some of its dead wood.

Best of prince of leaves
A bit belatedly, Gawker finally dredges up photographic proof of Christine O'Donnell's brief flirtation with witchcraft.

Best of Merovign
How come the UFOs I see never look like that? AND I never have my camera.

Best of dub
The demonstration was beautiful, but the whistling noise was a bit distracting.

Best of Spin
Tampon© frees up your day.

Best of Dr. Doom
How to tell if the male cheerleaders have been doping...

Threadwinner: Whacko
"Harry Potter and the State University Cheerleaders" coming soon to a theater near you.

Best of Oiao
Aim for that Majorette!!!!

Best of jj
Tryouts for the Lions' cheerleading squad took a disastrous turn when the participants realized that, unlike the Lions, they have to actually do something on the field.

Best of Army of Dad
The Blonde Knights skydiving team usually forgets something...

This Too Shall Pass

1. "Stop staring at my crotch, mom. You're embarrassing me."

2. "The Gillette Fusion does wonders for my bikini zone."

3. "Mom, do you ever feel... not so fresh?"

4. "Hey! Those are MY White F--- me boots!"

5. "One more comment about my belly roll, Mrs. dub, and this baton is going right up your nose."

Best of Double the U
Tuck it in and hold just like this... good "girl"

Best of metalgarth
WORST. SETUP. FOR. GIRL-ON-GIRL. ACTION. EVER.

Best of Dactyl
"And it was about this long, and kinda sticking up straight like this.." Cindy described the email she got from Brett Favre.

Best of Submariner
You. Me. A bar of Dove. My red jelly pleasurizer. The Showers. Maybe the rest of the girls will join in?

Best of Artfldgr
Mom! You know i hate it when you watch me practice my pelvic thrusts for Rocky Horror weekends... where was i? oh yeah... its just a jump to the left... then a step to the right, with your hand on your hips, you bend your knees in tight, its the pelvic - MOM! your watching again!

Best of blue
Honey, you'll never get Ray Bradbury's attention if you keep you knees shut like that

Best of prince of leaves
"Honey, you really need to get some sun. Just look at that - you're so white you're casting an anti-shadow on the grass!"

Best of dadoctah
Marcy is stunned yet supportive; she didn't know Peppermint Patty even *had* any school spirit.

Best of Merovign
"No, Mom, knees together *like this*. Now I know why I was born while you were still in high school."

Best of Kaptain Krude
Now we know where the *very* white wimmen is at.