Thursday, September 30, 2010

Boobs and Beer

'Cos it's Oktoberfest, bitches!

More Oktoberfest, Yea

More Oktoberfest



Why don't we combine Oktoberfest, Cinco de Mayo, and St. Patrick's Day into one "Drunk Foreigners" festival?

And why isn't there a special Russian drinking holiday, to celebrate the days Russians celebrate with excessive drinking. Days like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday...

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Nerd in his Natural Environment



1. Meet the hot, busty 23 year old flight attendant you've been chatting with on adultchat-dot-net.

2. "Mom, I understand being a 'Saved by the Bell' groupie back in the 90's... sort of... but for Set's sake if my father had to be a member of the cast, why Screech?"

3. "Not now, dad. I'm uploading the Stuxnet virus into the Iranian defense network."

4. ORA: "I made the mistake of saying 'Christians are all right,' next thing I knew, sharmuta whigged out on me, Kilgore Trout called me a racist, and Charles took out the ban-hammer..."

5. "Nah, I'm just gonna unzip and settle in for a night of Chat Roulette."

Best of dub ...
Even his window looks like a giant penis.

Best of Rodney Dill ...
Ram one's what?

Best of jj ...
A young Markos looks around befuddled wondering how someone can make a computer work when its not in the basement.

Best of GregMan ...
"Mom, why do I get a birthday card from somebody named "Carrot Top" every year?"

Best of Mr. Hankey ...
Kyle refuses to take his hands out of his pockets when his mother asked "how did you get that huge stain in your pants?"

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck ...
Note: this is what happens to your hair when you stick your crank into a live USB charging port.

Best of divine miss m ...
Poster boy for young men who will eventually look like old lesbians.

Best of JohnS1959 ...
Hey kid, the Ramones called - they want their t-shirt back.

Best of Matt the K ...
Next on 'Behind the Music', the real inspiration for "beat the brat with a baseball bat".

Best of Dr. Doom ...
Meet the love child of Kewpie Doll and the Travelocity Gnome.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston ...
Rare Medical Condition #290
Classic case of Femur Interruptus, the opposite of a puberty growth spurt. Patient X's legs are shrinking and he will eventually become a Dorf.

Best of Submariner ...
dub takes a break from writing disparaging remarks about "fat chicks" on Caption This!

Best of dadoctah ...
"Danny" from the 2010 Partridge Family reboot.

Sew What?

Steve O

1. "Singer... James Singer."

2. A solitary hunter, the UPS truck waits on river banks until prey passes near.

3. Some guys bring roses, others are more practical.

4. Patrick Kennedy's follow-on career as a UPS driver was not successful.

5. "I sure hope Mr. Farley is willing to trade this sewing machine for one of his motivational speeches."

Best of Rodney Dill
Elaine eventually had to resort to other means for having her flounder delivered.

Best of JohnS1959
The newest Super Hero, Oblivious Stitch Boy, fails to save the day again.

Best of dadoctah
Other insurance companies may *say* they provide better claims service, but only MutuSure guarantees a guy in a rented tux with a portable sewing machine at your accident scene within fifteen minutes.

Best of Mr. Hankey
In Hollywood's latest sequel, "Also Cast Away" - A young UPS delivery man returns his sewing machine friend "Stitch" to it's rightful owner at the end of the movie.

Threadwinner: Carpe Phlogiston
White Men Can't Loot, a Spike Lee production

Best of Dr. Doom
"Yes sir", Said Bob, "I'm here to pick up your daughter for the prom. But first I thought she would like to sew me a cummerbund."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"The police appear baffled, but I'll soon have this case sewed up!"

Best of Vinney
"Tonight, don't miss Doug Heffernan's brush with death on a very special King of Queens."

Best of dub
"Dropping a UPS van off in the river" will never be as catchy as "Dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool". Sorry.

Best of dadoctah
Your tax dollars at work: it takes three uniformed cops to investigate this accident.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Am I good at sewing? Let me put it this way; 15 minutes ago, this was a delivery uniform!"

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Hillary the Space Vampire



From Drudge


best of Dr. Doom ...
The latest model Terminator is equipped with side scan sonar and can instantly recognize other Terminators in its vicinity.

best of jj ...
Coming soon to the White House, "Goa'uld vs. Klingon".

best of Spin ...
"I'd hit dat"

(pekew)

best of Matt the K ...
Lindsay Graham is discovered to belong to a secret race of manhating liberals living among us in "They Live 2". The fight scene with Joe Lieberman is awesome.

best of Adriane ...
And, you know, the thing about a Secretary of State... she's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When she comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until she bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'.

Well, anyway, she made a speech at the presser ...

best of Vinney...
"On the Next Ghost Hunters, Jason and Grant investigate the infamous Witch of Foggy Bottom."

best of Matt the K ...
Linda Blair has not aged well at ALL.

best of Submariner ...
There's a lot to gripe about in the "Land of the Lost" remake, but I, for one, think they got the Sleestaks just about perfect!

best of dadoctah ...
I can haz hoomin flesh?

Sapphic Wedding Pic



1. Kelly McGillis's wedding should inspire thoughts of "Take My Breath Away," but the only song going through my head is "And then there's Maude..."

2. "You are the sand wedge in the LPGA Tournament of my soul..."

3. "Wow! Getting a Supreme Court Justice and the Secretary of Homeland Security to officiate at our wedding. You are connected!"

4. "I'm sorry, can we start the vows over again? I was daydreaming about Hillary in a Dominatrix outfit."

5. "Mom and 'Aunt Jean' wanna know if you're down for a swap later on."

Best of Dr. Doom
Hey these people are all white. How are we supposed to make our parentally influenced racist comments with pictures like this one?

Best of dadoctah
Shouldn't they wait for Betty White to die before launching a remake of "Golden Girls"?

Best of Submariner
An' this little piggy had none...

Best of Matt the K
Mrs. McGillis's test tube baby was born to a long line of scarf-wearing lesbians.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Which do you pick, rock... or paper.. or scissors?" Pickup artists from the other side.

Best of dadoctah
Damn you Lindsay Lohan and your unrealistic expectations!

She's a man, baby.


1. Barney Frank eventually went with discreet black pumps for Ted Kennedy's funeral.

2. Army of Mom does not own that outfit. Now, get your feet the hell offa her sofa.

3. Don't tell me teachers are underpaid when a physed instructor can afford a Chanel evening dress.

4. "Oh, sorry Father Flanagan. I guess you weren't expecting company."

5. "Wow, dad. This is awkward. I had no idea you were a Twilight fan."


Best of Dr. Doom
Meet Bruce Smith, the candidate with the best chance to defeat Barbara Boxer in the upcoming senatorial election.

Best of sonicfrog
Ever since he fell of the stage and had a nasty blow to the head, Rush's Alex Lifeson lost his identity and thinks now he's David Bowie.

Best of GregMan
The Tony Curtis nobody knows...

Best of dadoctah
And this week's surprise guest on "Dancing With The Stars": Ricky Schroeder!

Best of jj
Calling All Captains.

Best of Submariner
In her/his best falsetto; "I don't WANNA be a little teapot. Can't you do SOMEthing about my 'spout,' Doctor?"

Best of Matt the K
Jamie Lee Curtis takes a time out at the Oscar party to let her testicles descend.

Best of Mr. Hankey
The picture they held over his head that got Chelsea Clinton married.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I'm thinking Dub's gonna be appalled when he goes looking for a fat roll on this Tuesday Babe.

Monday, September 27, 2010

The Hat of Miss Jane Pitman

Knowledge Is Power


1. "Brai... oh, it's you. Never mind."

2. "Pleased, um, to meet you, transvetite corpse of Sammy David Jr."

3. Desperate to get close to the president, Helen Thomas resorts to blackface.

4. "So, Tyra, you say something called a 'Wraith' sucked out your life force?"

5. "So, I touch that flower, spores shoot in my face, and I get all happy and mellow? I um, recall Frank Marshall Davis telling me something similar."

Best of JohnS1959
"I would have bet 40,000 quatloos on you", said Provider Denethor of Beta Orindi 7, "But in this economy I decided gold was a better investment."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Who will help me liquidate the kulaks as a class?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Saying she got the idea from Lady Gaga, Mammy went before the One wearing her Sunday best, including the thin-sliced deli meat meant for supper.

Best of dub
For the first time, I am proud to be I had chicken noodle soup for dinner, but I bought the black belt instead because brown is just, did I ever tell you about my granddaughter, I think I need to get the oil changed on the Buick but, but, but...I'm sorry, who are you again?

Best of blue
"Aunt Zeituni what a surprise! I thought they deported you!'

Best of Jay Guevara
"Sorry Aunt Zeituni. It won't happen again. Please don't cast a spell on me."

Best of dadoctah
Tyler Perry has finally lost it.

Best of sonicfrog
Obama strives to strike a deal with Trade Guild Viceroy Nute Gunray to blockade conservatives from polling places in the upcoming November elections.

Best of Matt the K
A poor, senile Wesley Snipes relives his "To Wong Foo" glory.

These Boots Are Made for Walkin'

Knowledge Is Power


1. Lady Gaga is Hillary Clinton as Madeleine Albright in 'The Monica Lewinsky Story,' next on Lifetime.

2. It took bathing in the blood of every Christian virgin in North America, but Hillary finally achieved the look she had always dreamed of.

3. "Choker? I just met her. And, yes, I want to choke her."

4. You should probably steer clear of any woman whose nether regions require a traffic cone in front of them.

5. The view from Bill Clinton's beer goggles, circa 1978.

Best of Dr. Doom
In Kim Jong Il's recurring fantasy, the Secretary of State arrives to begin 'negotiations'.

Best of Jack Reacher
The new face of abstinence education.

Best of GregMan
Lady Gaga pushes the boundaries again, arriving to the party dressed as a ferocious male-hating lesbian bondage fetishist, I mean, internationally respected U.S. diplomat.

Best of jj
After missing the game winning field goal in overtime the Saints open placekicker try-outs to the public.

Best of metalgarth
You don't really want to see Paul Stanley without his wig, makeup and chest toupee in place

Best of Spin
Lady GaGa decides to dress demurely for her grandmother's funeral.

Oh wait, that's true

Best of prince of leaves
Somewhere near Foggy Bottom, a dark, shunned crawlspace holds the shriveled, lifeforce-emptied husks of a busload of visiting 5th and 6th graders from Murphysville, West Virginia.

Best of dadoctah
Uh, Army of Mom, about the outfit...we were all kind of wondering....

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Axe Effect ... Again


1. Coach had a creepy habit of nuzzling his star players and softly whispering, "Ron Paul!"

2. "But what about my needs, coach?"

3. "Coach, when you softly sing Kenny Rogers 'Lady' into our ears, it doesn't so much motivate us as totally creep us out."

4. Coach has been acting creepy ever since he found out he was on the short list to be the next 'Safe Schools Czar.'

5. "You know coach, it's bad enough when you whisper I should 'push that tight end deep and hard'... I mean, that's not even technically a valid play... but the little giggle afterward really creeps me the F out."

Friday, September 24, 2010

Army of Grandma Has Had Just About Enough of Your Crap

Schneider, Al, Timmah? I know it was one of you guys. Or maybe it was The Blogmocracy


1. How nature says, "Don't bother Al Franken when he's shopping."

2. Nadine was miffed that Bob Barker didn't take her up on her T-shirt's offer.

3. Symbolically, the empty shopping cart represents all the Hope and Change that's been delivered since January 20, 2009, the shopper represents the average American voter, and the little kid represents either future generations screwed over by this regime or the fact that the Safe School Czar is a mincing pedophile.

4. Nadine had a grudge against Food Giant ever since they jacked up the prices on Metamucil.

5. Timmy wondered if all grandmas were this bitter and cynical, or just the liberal ones.

Threadwinner: metalgarth
ORA: Matt the K's band in college had difficulty stopping unauthorized T-Shirts being sold at gigs.

Best of Rodney Dill
(On the back)
Fuck That

Best of Robert
Thought(?) bubble "Yep, I'm one classy bitch".

Best of Dr. Doom
Boy, these cougars are getting aggressive...

Best of prince of leaves
Marlene's crusade against definite articles knew no respite.

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "That's enough groceries. A twelve pack of Crisco, empty the cucs display, checkout, and I'm ready for the weekend."

Best of Oiao
Ever since Craig's List pulled the Sexually Explicit adds............

Best of dadoctah
After breaking up with Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah gave up even making the effort.

The Lightworker

Knowledge Is Power


1. Obama wondered why the cross was not hung upside down like the one in Bill Ayers basement.

2. 'Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Fhtagn!'

3. "Good morning, infidels..."

4. "And now, let me read from the Gospel of Jeremiah, 'The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing 'God Bless America.' No, no, no, not God Bless America. God damn America...!"

5. "Your God is nothing... Bow down and worship ME!

Best of Submariner
Barry discovers that it's Chris Matthews recreating the "Police Academy" podium scene. Not that he finds anything wrong with that...

Best of Rodney Dill
"...and now from the book of Kobe, Chapter 2 Verse 28... and he sayest unto Kobe... yo... I'm open..."

Best of prince of leaves
The crowd gasped in awe as the Lightworker performed what would later be known as the Miracle of the Levitating Lima Beans.

Best of Steve O
President Obama describes what it means for him to be a musli--a Christian. Christian!

Best of Spin
"I (state your name)..."

Best of jj
And now, a reading from the book of Jules, "And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."

Best of Submariner
Horned god of the woods? Nah, that's just my Secretary of State...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
And finally, if anyone needs to go to the restroom while I'm rambling, please raise your hand like this and one of my highly trained agents will escort you there and then force you to come back.

Best of Vinney
And Lord Obama granted the church special dispensation from energy saving crucifix bulbs.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"And ye shall let loose your grip on thine guns, and be ye not so bitter..." Barack the campaigner swings into action.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Today's Hate Mail




as for your own obvious racism, V the K, your blog: nice use of racist “ebonics” in your dialogue captions between the First Lady and her daughter. We get it. You’re a racist. As are your parents.
Scumbag.

Mmm... Delicious Child



1. "Not so rough, daddy. Jeez, you're worse than Elliot Spitzer."

2. "Dad, is that a Bic Banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

3. "Axe for preschoolers received the NAMBLA Seal of Approval."

4. "Daddy, stop inhaling my life essence!"

5. "Oh, daddy, I wish every night was crystal meth night!"

Paging Doctor Freud! Paging Doctor Freud!!


Attack of the Bee Girls

Brender


1. Lady Gaga and Zoey Deschanel mark the end of summer with a lazy game of hide and seek.

2. The rest of Christine O'Donnell's coven meet in a Wiccan Temple designed by Frank Gehry.

3. Casual Friday at the Honeycomb Hideout

4. "What are we doing, NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX!"

5. This Stimulus-funded public sculpture cost $4.5 million dollars and ... counting the two skanks hired to tart it up for the press.... only create three jobs.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
How to Tell if You're an Alcoholic: You find yourself irresistibly drawn to Epcot Center's new Land of Giants wine rack hoping for a taste testing.

Treadwinner: divine miss m
Try as they might, Blind Melon was simply never able to recapture the original magic.

Assistant to the regional threadwinner: Matt the K
Buckminster Fuller???? I didn't even know'er!!!

Best of Matt the K
Can God make a TransAm wheel so big that even He can't roll it?

No Caption, Just This

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Loose Lips

Daily Mail



1. Gee, who would have thought having massive amounts of chemicals pumped into your face would lead to unpleasant side-effects.

2.At dub's cut-rate plastic surgery, they can suck the fat right out of your belly roll and pump it into your lips and cheeks.

3. Come to think, Pete Burns is probably used to having men pump things into his lips and cheeks.

4. "Pete, darling, I know they are making a WKRP in Cincinnati reboot, but I really don't think you're right for the part of Herb Tarlek.

5. "I dunno, Pete. Something just makes me feel like singing a karaoke duet of 'I Got You Babe' with you."

Best of Adriane
Those loose lips could sink an aircraft carrier and its accompanying task force ... IYKWIMAITYD

Best of Dr. Doom
iCarly, the aftermath...

Best of Submariner
Y'know it's a hideous material when M'Chel states "I wouldn't be caught dead in that..."

Best of Rodney Dill
Actually the years have caused quite an improvement in the looks of Speaker Pelosi... I think.

Best of dadoctah
"So, I don't remember seeing you at *last* month's PTA meeting...."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Michelle has gone under cover to write the expose "White Skanky Ho Like Me"

Best of prince of leaves
Where will YOU be when your rectal prolapse kicks in?

Best of Steve O
Overheard. "So, you didn't finish the story. Did you decide to have the surgery?"

Best of divine miss m
Pete was tickled pink when Mick and Steven invited him to join them in "Lips Across America."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I'll tell you what... never get your face stuck in a airplane toilet at 55,000-ft!

Best of mega
"I just think it's weird that men always assume I'll give a blow job."

How to Make Dawn AND Andrew Sullivan's Heads Simultaneously Explode


1. Barney Frank approved the waiter uniforms for the 2012 DNC convention, Charlie Rangel approved the menu, and Loretta Sanchez cleaned up the mess from Dawn's head exploding.

2. Sullivan's internet search for "nubile youth with melon pecs" will ironically lead him straight to this website.

3. Watermelon Boy was one of the many mysteries LOST never got around to explaining.

4. This eager, nubile congressional page may be out of work next work next year unless Barney Frank is re-elected. Think of the nubile youths! Vote Democrat!

5. ORA: "All right, one more piece of watermelon. What could it hurt?" A young Mr. Creosote ironically foreshadows his destiny.

Best of Dr. Doom
The newest superhero, Tea Party Boy, and his hypnotism trunks had the desired effect on congress. Mr. Frank was heard to repeat, "Must resist the urge to vote for tax cuts, must resist..."

Best of Kevin
4th of July at Army of Mom's.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I'm keeping this for myself, 'cause it would be racist to offer some to Jesse Jackson in the last picture."

Best of Rodney Dill
Before the Librarian role, Noah Wylie, was successful in the pR0n blockbuster: The Agrarian - Quest for the Pear

Best of Submariner
Funny; AoM usually uses a RED gingham tablecloth for her snacks...

Best of Steve O
Sean demonstrates how to hold a slice of watermelon using just your abs.

Best of Oiao
Shamelessly stolen from Mega from the above 'Big Lips' thread...
"I just think it's weird that men always assume I'll give a blow job."

Monday, September 20, 2010

Dude, Where's My Car?

Weasel Zippers via Al


1. I could have had a V-8... but that's a white man's drink.

2. "Poison blow dart! Well-played, Mr. Sharpton... Well... played." (THUNK!)

3. Jesse is stumped by the question "What church are you a reverend in?"

4. Jesse reaches out to the pink stripe of the Rainbow Coalition. ♬ "Vogue!... Vogue!... Oooh, you've got to Let your body move to the music Oooh, you've got to just Let your body go with the flow..." ♬

5. Jesse slowly twists his face around to face forward again, Daffy Duck style, after M'Chel slapped him so hard it spun around six times and ended up facing backwards.


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I wonder how long before Super Glue wears off?

Best of GregMan
"Man, I wish I'd thought of that 'God D@mn Amerikkka' line".

Best of jj
Another damn positive pregnancy test....

Best of Army of Dad
This week on Race Pimps, Jesse practices keeping his pimp hand strong on himself.

Best of JohnS1959
"Hmmm... Maybe I should give a sermon every now and then.", Jesse thought. "I know I'll say something about that guy... what was his name again? Starts with an L I think.. no a J. Yes, definitely a J."

Best of Submariner
Sheehan's having my baby!?!?

Best of Mr. Hankey
Checking that his mask is still secure - Joe Biden can't wait to see Obama's reaction when he shows up at the Cabinet meeting.

Threadwinner: Kaptain Krude
The new Home Alone auditions went well, but Jesse just could not do that McCauley Culkin impression to save his life.

A Predator Defends Her Young


1. "Honey, the next time you suggest Mommy's stretch pants could re-roof the Pontiac Silverdome, you're riding in the helicopter with Bo. Y'unnerstand?"

2. "You got a B+ in Math. Girl, I'm so proud of you! Let's take a vacation in Tuscany to celebrate."

3. "... and then we went to the Holocaust Museum and saw how the Jews got what was comin' to them on account of the Slave Trade."

4. "Wait... you mean to say this entire Childhood Obesity push was dub's idea?"

5. "Yes. Mother. My. Visit. To. The. Brain. Slug. Planet. Was. Pleasant. And. Uneventful."

Best of blue
"..and Daddy be gettin da immigration laws changed to makes you legal, you being the child of a Kenyan and a Klingon after all."

Best of Vinney
"Mommy, remember a couple of years ago that abortion daddy said he'd support..."?

Best of Mr. Hankey
"...now you stop talking to me like that or I'll push this thing back in."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I know you miss Reverend Wright. We'll re-join his church right after the 2012 elections, don't you worry."

Best of Dactyl
"You are a member of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Now you just point out to Mommy which one you want killed.

Best of Submariner
Excellent, youngling. We will celebrate your first kill with the bat'leth by tipping a cup of blood wine together; in Spain, of course.

Best of dadoctah
"No, dear, you're not saying it right. It's 'chalk-faced', not 'chuck-faced'."

Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting

Curmudgeonly and Skeptical


1. M'Chel looked forward to the end of the bout, when she would crush the loser's skull and feast on the soft pink insides.

2. "This display grows tiresome," M'Chel yawned. "Toss them each a gladius, and let this be settled in blood."

3. M'Chel bittered, "Oh, yeah, I could be in Paris for Fashion Week, surrounded by elite designers, haute cuisine, and reserving entire floors of the finest hotels for my entourage... but watching two rednecks throw fists in the backyard is real fun, too."

4. This is the first time two men have exchanged blows at the White House since Andrew Sullivan visited George Stephanopoulus.

5. Obama fondly recalled. "This reminds me of how Frank Marshall David used to wrestle with me behind the house when I was little. Of course, we were both naked and slathered in banana oil."




Best of Rodney Dill
Obama: "See Michelle, Nobody fucks with Napolitano when she's been drinking."

Best of JohnS1959
Mr. Kerry demonstrates the proper technique for the flip-flop.

Best of Rodney Dill
DRUDGEBREAKING: Today Hillary Clinton demonstrated Pantsuit Kung Fu at the the whitehouse. Developing...

Best of Dr. Doom
"Ahh... that will be my new economic strategy", thought the President, "Instead of kick starting it we will crotch kick it!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"I call that one Big Labor, and the one getting his ass kicked is Business."

Sunday, September 19, 2010

September Sunday Free For All

Free Republic via Al




Best of Double the U
Make it 501 bags and place last one over your head.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Todd tried to find a good woman, but dude's got some major baggage.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Is ChicoBag a slang term for "scrotum"?

Best of Dactyl
Plastic? After Labor Day?

Best of Jay Guevara
Hmm, let's see. One body part per bag?...we're gonna have to pace ourselves with this clown.

Best of Kaptain Krude
M'chel stared in stunned silence at the TV screen. "That dress! That wonderful, magnificent dress! I must have it!", she fervently whispered. "I will search for it in Spain!"


Best of prince of leaves
After his acquittal, Rod Blagojevich drew on his years of experience to find a new job as a bag man.

Best of dadoctah
Suddenly, Nakedmoleratman started looking a lot less ridiculous.

Best of Divine miss m
Well, there's a fashion faux pas averted; I very nearly wore all of MY shopping bags today.

Best of JohnS1959
In a case of karma run amok, radical environmentalist, Steve Jones, was mistaken for a recycling bin in Berkley, CA yesterday morning. He will be missed by all in that community but should make a fine new play surface for the playground in the park.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Living next to a Dow Chemical plant for 40 years is bound to pose some hazard, but Fred Winkle never realized he'd be sprouting plastic faster than he could shave it off.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

A Slide Unto Despair

Bad Constructions via Mr. Right


1. And why was the slide positioned by the pit of the Sarlacc? Because the contractor just plain hated kids.

2. Before Kevin Jennings became Safe Schools Czar, positioning a slide over the entrance to an underground NAMBLA sex-torture-dungeon would have been a violation of building codes.

3. Yet another metaphor for the Obama economy.

4. To mend fences with the Tea Party, the Establishment GOP built a playground for their children.

5. The Obama Regime reveals its solution for lowering the health care costs of terminally ill patients.

Friday, September 17, 2010

And When I Walked Into the Men's Room, Gavin Newsom was like this...

Sondra K


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Nancy reminisces with Barbara Walters - This is a little technique I perfected back in college. Helped me get where I am today, I'll tell you what.

Best of Mr. Hankey
This one time...at band camp...

Best of metalgarth
Edna K. tried to send a subtle message to Principal Skinner moments before the Pledge of Alligence

Best of Vinney
"It's San Francisco you idiots. Didn't you hear me? I said I wanted three fags on stage with me"!

Best of Spin
"See, even my pearl necklace is multi-racial"

Best of Submariner
The worst thing since my last 'lift? I have to shave every day or I grow a goatee.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
pix from Nancy's new book "Why the gay boys voted for me!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"That's right!", said Speaker Pelosi, "I said suck it America!"

Best of mega
The recent discovery of Hatshepsut's sarcophagus contained remarkably well-preserved mummified remains, indeed, almost eerily life-like.

We Worship Its Shadow



1. "Congressman Castle? You can come out now. The 'mean lady' is gone."

2. When Obama Motors produced the 2011 Buick Mecca, Democrats everywhere responded appropriately.

3. "I think you just ran over a Sarlacc, Bob."

4. A little girl drowned while the lifeguards were vomiting and... long story short... Joy Behar is barred from wearing a two-piece suit to the beach ever again.

5. "We don't know where it came from, how it got here, or what it's gonna do... but it's black and we're Democrats. So, we have to worship it."

Best of Double the U
But Obama said if we want to get out we need to keep it in "D"!

Best of Mr. Hankey
Congressional Pages on vacation

Best of Oiao
"Lindsay? Lindsay Lohan? Lindsay, are you under there?

Best of racerboy
No, Bob, I don't see your dignity under there...

Mad Guy


1. "Dammit, for the last time. I'm not Brendan Frasier. I'm Jay R Ferguson."

2. Next on Mad Men, Stan Rizzo acts out how stupid the new Democrat logo actually is.

3. ORA: Invisible Octoventral Heebiephone.

4. "So... since the first two stimuluses completely failed to revive the economy and exploded the deficit, we have no choice but to pass another stimulus bill to revive the economy because if we don't borrow and spend more money, we'll never bring down the deficit ..." Trying to figure out the reasoning behind Obamanomics freezes another Democrat's brain.

5. "OMG! That wasn't an Excedrin Migraine pill! Excedrin Migraine pills don't have the Mitsubishi logo on them! Oh crap, the ceiling's starting to melt! Crap! Crap! Crap!"

Best of Dr. Doom
I'll take quantum mechanics for $2000 Alex

Best of dub
As you can see, ceiling cat is in place....so I will now deliver the shocker.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
NEXT on FRINGE - all across the country, people suddenly freeze in contorted positions! Nancy Pelosi has a cameo role.

Best of Mr. Hankey
"I'm a Little Teapot, short & stout. Here is my handle..."

Best of mega
"What is the fucking problem? Give him a shot of L-Dopa, put him on a bus to the polling station, and get his finger to twitch on the Gillebrand lever." Tempers flared in Rahm's office at the lead-up to the November elections.

Best of molson
Now what would make you think I just dropped acid?

Best of Submariner
Little.Help.Here:Zipped.Too.Fast.After.Peeing...

Best of Spin
"Well yeah Joan,I was staring at your tits"

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Cheer Up, It;s Thursday

It's Pronounced Boo-Stee-Yay

Ines Sainz via Jawa


C'mon, isn't this whole controversy really about a bunch of fugly feminists who are jealous that a good-looking woman got attention from men who wouldn't look twice at them?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

All Ass, No Class

Lucianne-dot-com

M'Chel chats on a cell during a 9-1-1 Memorial Service.

1. "You gotta come get me, Yolanda. I'm stuck in the middle of a chalk-faced whore sandwich."

2. "I dunno, Yolanda, soldier's funeral or some such sh-t. I'll be done in an hour or so. Then, we'll hit Old Navy."

3. "Yeah, there ain't even no damb buffet at this thing. So, pick me up some sandwiches or something."

4. "Three bars, wow. For the first time in my adult life, I'm proud of my cell phone company."

5. It was bad that M'Chel took a call during the 9-11 Memorial Service. It was worse that her ring-tone was NWA's "F--- Tha Police!"


Best of Jack Reacher
"...and henceforth, the nuclear football shall be known as the nuclear soccer ball. Make it happen."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Third row, second from the left. Right, blue suit. Didn't get a harrumph from him. Take care of it."

Best of Rodney Dill
The Cop, The Flop, and The Top

Best of JohnS1959
Two hard working public servants and a vacation planner...

Best of dadoctah
Once upon a time there were three little girls who went to the police academy. They were each assigned very hazardous duties. But I took them away from all that and now they work for me.

Best of mega
"Confirmed. The memorial faces exactly toward Mecca. Now, let's get back to my salt ban."

Best of Submariner
ORA: "Blue Horseshoe loves Anacott Steel."

Best of Mr. Hankey
"...remind me again what's so important about this place..."

Best of prince of leaves
"Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking Mallorca next month. What? No, the whole island...it's just taxpayer money."

Best of dadoctah
Shouldn't Betty White be here? She's in everything else.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I gotta put you on hold Barry. Ray Bradbury is on the other line."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Well my life is hell girl", whined the First Lady, "It never stops, Spain, Maine, France, Gulf Coast three times now, and now I have to go to this stupid troop honoring thing..."

Gaga, it's what's for dinner

Dougie


1. It was a misunderstanding, really. Lady Ga Ga actually asked her couterier to make her "a really neat dress" for the awards.

2. Her speech was interrupted when an offended Kanye West pointed out that Oscar Meyer made "the best cold cuts of all time."

3. "Will someone put a wallet under Morrissey's tongue so he doesn't swallow it in mid conniption fit? Thank you."

4. The costume is supposedly 100% beef and beef by-products, but the backstage crew swore they smelt raw tuna."

5. "I'd like to thank God, thank my fans, and thank the good people at Hormel beef."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Help me Kanye West... you're my only hope."

Best of Dr. Doom
Ms. Gaga made a bold fashion statement at the awards ceremony. Unfortunately the Westminster Kennel Club was meeting in the adjacent banquet hall. Hilarity ensued...

Best of JohnS1959
"Well this just won't do Joan", said the fashionista, "flank steak after Labor Day? Come ON! And fishnets too? Worst menu EVER."

Best of Jack Reacher
She blinked rapidly, and the haunting image of an audience of cattle, staring accusingly at her, vanished.

Best of dadoctah
Björk turned to me and said "that's pretty f**ked up."

Best of Submariner
Did the seamstress use nylon or gut sutures? Enquiring minds want to know!

Best of Vinney
"It is an honor to receive the Admiral Peary Award for polar exploration."

Threadwinner Dactyl
"I'm so grateful for this award, in fact after the show we're all going out to Outback Steakhouse and hey, dinner's on me!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Vanity Fair cover story lampoons Gaga - "Stick a fork in her, she's done."

Best of Submariner
Underwear? Why a bacon bra of course...

Best of JohnS1959
"Hello my name is Sally and I'm a recovering Vegan..."

Best of jj
Thousands of teen boys have just now thrown out that piece of liver from their sock drawers.

Best of molson
Don't eat the schnitzel, they're using Gaga.

Best of Army of Dad
Mad Cow is diseased.

Best of Jay Guevara
Where are the famished Dobermans when you really need 'em?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Meanwhile, In Army of Mom's Basement


1. "Nice basement, Army of Mom. Can I take the hat off now?"

2. If you think Kyle is scary, you should see the Ang Lee versions of Cartman, Stan, and Kenny.

3. After the apocalypse... things were fairly untidy.

4. "Mr. Hilfiger, if this is a photo shoot, shouldn't there be some cameras and a photographer?"

5. "No, it's not laundry day. I'm just retarded."

Best of dadoctah
Nakedmoleratman was less popular than the other animal-inspired comic book superheroes.

Best of Tim
deep under the Venture compound, svelte Dean Venture grows to maturity, feeding on clones and the occasional D & D party.

Best of dadoctah
Somehow I always pictured the boogeyman as...oh, I don't know...more butch, I guess....

Best of prince of leaves
After burning off his clothes, singeing off all of his body hair, charring his mullet, and burning down the house, Kevin acknowledged that pyroflatulation was funnier in concept than in reality.

Best of Matt the K
The Blair Twink Project

Best of Spin
No it's just cold down here...

Threadwinner Rodney Dill
"Ya der hey."

Best of Submariner
My hunt wasn't successful - can you get Lady Gaga to send over a dress?

Best of molson
Nice hat. Does that come with a free face full of schlong?

Best of mega
Great. Now the homos have branched out from romantic comedies to the post-apocalypse genre.

Hey! How 'Bout Some Privacy?

1. Perhaps the instruction to "Go Deep" should have been more specific.

2. "Johnny Weir? I had no idea you were a football fan."

3. "Orally Service Me, Ray Bradbury."

4. Brokehalfback Brokecornerback... sometimes, these things just write themselves...

5. "Well, he does have an All-Access pass..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"While you're down there, Jimmy, could you adjust my cup?"

Best of molson
What? You all want some of this too?

Best of dadoctah
Whose idea was it to let Ang Lee remake the Coke commercial that starred Mean Joe Green?

Best of Vinney
A la Chris Berman:"And it looks like Romo...could go all the way"!!

Best of Submariner
SKUL F#*K: UR DUIN IT RITE AKSHULY

Best of Mr. Hankey
As girlfriend applications are handed down to him, Tiony begins the interview process.

Best of dadoctah
Time was, all you had to do was sing the National Anthem and they were happy with that....

Best of mega
"Yep, I see you've been fully gelded. Now, which tea party lady did you lose to?"

Best of Army of Dad
Realizing that he will never get to the Super Bowl, Tony settled for a 'super blow'.




Monday, September 13, 2010

Putin Gases Up

Brender

1. Yes, what he was doing was against the law in New Jersey. No, no one was going to stop him.

2. At one end of the spectrum of "Things the Russian President Can Do That the American President Can't" was 'Command the Respect of His Country's Enemies.' At the other end... was this.

3. Little Known Facts About Vladimir Putin: The above pic is just for show. All he really needs to do is piss in the gas tank. Most cars will get 85 MPG on Putin's urine.

4. Self-Service for Vladimir Putin means he fills up his tanks while two of his 'bodyguards' execute the cashier and any witnesses.

5. Putin is momentarily distracted by the sight of Yeltsin suckling the ethanol pump.


Best of Silhouette
Obama did the exact same photo-op, only he's wearing a helmet and has two spotters.

Best of dadoctah
Scene from the "Route 66 2010" pilot: Tod tops up the tank while Buz uses the payphone and the restroom.

Best of JohnS1959
In Soviet America, President takes gas out of car.

Best of molson
Let Vlady pump you up.

Best of Submariner
Fill up the rest of the fleet and then we'll send back Obambi's credit card and say we found it in the hall...

See Spot Run

Knowledge Is Power


1. M'Chel would be damned if she was gonna let that fat little sumbitch beat her to the pie wagon.

2. "Don't you 'Hey! Hey! Hey!' me you... cocoa-faced whore!"

3. "OK, we got the bitch's sunglasses, now run! Run! Run!"

4. "I don't have to outrun the zombies, I just have to outrun you."

5. Two onlooking players: "She runs pretty good in those hip pads." "What hip pads?"

Best of Whacko
Being faster, bigger and meaner, M'Chel easily makes the team as Albert Hanesworth's replacement.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
David Attenborough whispers: The female has learned that when on dry land, the male hippo's bulk puts it at a distinct disadvantage and he won't be able to catch and hump her booty compartment.

Best of JohnS1959
"Good luck with the weight loss kid", shouted the First Lady as she ran ahead, "I have to hurry to catch my flight to the French Riviera!"

Best of metalgarth
C'mon! We can't let the Fighting Aryans win again

Best of prince of leaves
Kevin put up a good show, but he had taken the teacher's words to heart: "Let the wookie win".

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "If'n you really exist, God, PLEASE don't let her turn around; I don'ts wanna see no Mastodon knuckle in lycra."

Saturday, September 11, 2010

The Fighting Aryans


1. "We will win this game for the glory of the Fuhrer and the Fatherland!"
2. And The Fighting Billy Idols take the field!
3. They lose a lot of games, but they do have more fun.
4. You guys seemed to have missed the point of the punch line. She sleeps with the whole team because she's the blond!
5. The original plan was to shave their heads in support, but they thought it made then look like dorks. So, they went with this. They were sure the cancer kid would understand, I mean, he wouldn't choose to look that way if he didn't have cancer, right?

Best of prince of leaves
After the first game of the season, the word went out to just let the team from Village of the Damned High win.

Best of mega
As the AP noted, three football players turned out for today's Tea Party rally.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sometimes, it's pretty easy to spot the ringer.

Best of Spin
After Tiny dunked them all in peroxide it became apparent that there may be some future heart issues.

Best of blue
Even the Berlin Nazis thought the antics of their mascot "Dancing Adolph" were a little too much

Best of Dr. Doom
"My hypnotism class is really paying off", thought Congressman Frank to himself as he shouted, "OK boys - Simon says bend over."

Best of Matt the K
It wasn't til all the kids were together in one place that it dawned on the townsfolk of Bumbledump that Eminem's one night stand back in '94 had a double meaning.

All Right! I learned it from you! OK?


1. "I promise, Billy. Just a few more 'visits' from Congressman Frank and not only will Dad get his mortgage, but your student loans for college will also be guaranteed."

2. "Scoutmaster Bruce, why is this camp-out in a Motel 6? And where's the rest of the troop? What's the leather mask for?"

3. "Seriously, dad, give it up. If a K9 unit and the DEA couldn't find my stash, what chance have you got?"

4. "What was that Yakov? In your country, pedophile drugs me?"

5. "Dad, even though I hate to take advantage when you're on a meth bender, I do love a spotless room."

Instant Threadwinner: Metalgarth
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad guests on a very special "Silver Spoons"

Best of Double the U
Bill found out having a life size "G.I. Joe" doll wasn't as fun as he first thought.

Best of jj
Ummm...dad...Little Sally told me what mom did with those four Marines.....um....you are my dad, right?

Best of Vinney
Billy the Cabin Boy said his prayers when Captain Hook found out he misplaced his hook.

Best of prince of leaves
Billy's thought bubble: "Now I kinda wish I hadn't asked what a 'mind crotch' was..."

Best of GregMan
"Billy, come over here and give me a hand."

Best of GregMan
Billy's father learned the hard way that Billy was too old to spank, and also that he was getting pretty good with a knife.

Friday, September 10, 2010

And God Spoke to Holy Shatner


1. "Hey! You aliens got any green chicks?"

2. Shatner's ego eventually resulted in the creation of a personal spotlight that hovered over him no matter where he went.

3. After spending all those years working with George Takei, Shatner found nothing in Enumclaw that even shocked him.

4. "No, sorry, you've got the wrong guy. Farakhan's house is two streets over."

5. "I don't see what Picard was so worked up about. There really are five lights."

Best of Jay Guevara
Shatner thought bubble: "Wow, I just realized I should vote for Obama."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Oh just F*ck me, Gene Roddenberry."

Best of dadoctah
Oddly enough, the same thing also happened to Adrian Zmed.

Best of Adriane
You know as far north as he lives, you'd think he wouldn't have this many problems with illegal aliens...

Best of Jack Reacher
Ads for Rendering Plant Negotiator never aired, for reasons that should have been obvious.

Best of Matt the K
Kirk was rendered powerless, for the Thebulon's ray had him in a Mind Crotch.

Best of molson
Beam me up Scotty. The horse isn't gonna put out.

Best of Dactyl
"Yo, where da green women at?"

Neatly trimmed wieners for sale

K the P


1. The members of ZZTop universally wish they had invested their 80's money better.

2. Shlomo was able to go home early after Andrew Sullivan deep-throated his entire stock.

3. Usually, when an old man is displaying a wiener in public, you expect George Michael to be involved somehow.

4. The caterer for Lance Bass's birthday party knew his client well.

5. At the Florida Koran Barbecue, liberals ineffectually protested, Muslims threatened violence, and Jews cleaned up selling Kosher tofu dogs to the crowd. Just sayin'

Best of Rodney Dill
The first annual Oscar Mayer Moyhel Boil was a huge success...

Best of dadoctah
Leon Russell has really let himself go.

Best of Submariner
Ol' Jed is not the one you want to survive your plane crashing in the Andes, if you get my drift.

Best of Jack Reacher
Things were going well until he asked a Boy Scout troop if they'd like to "grab a weiner." His bond is set at $1,000,000.

Best of prince of leaves
Wieners, dill pickles, ladyfingers, taco rolls, bread sticks, carrots...it wasn't hard to discern the theme of Chas Bono's post-op celebration.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
John Wayne Bobbitt can't look at this photo without breaking out in a cold sweat.

Best of Dr. Doom
The competitive eating championships have their own version of the vuvuzela. It is shaped like a tiny alps horn and makes a noise much like Joey Chestnut's bowels do the day after a competition.

Best of blue
Cannibal Bob looked at the contents of the tray and said "No thanks, that's the only part we don't eat"

Best of molson
No the hotdog doesn't come with any mustard, but you do get a liberal sprinkling of beard hair.

Best of metalgarth
Ang Lee directs ZZ Top's retro video for "Tube Snake Boogie"



Thursday, September 09, 2010

Hello, Gypsy Curtain Ass

Thursday Referral

Yeah, um, you see, Carpe Phlogistan... which means, Seize the Phlogistan... sent me a link, but, um.... y'know.... um... maybe it was more gynecological than I usually get, so , feel free to check it out.

Blursday Thabe



Best of Submariner
Took a team of 16 structural engineers, but we finally designed a t shirt with the tensile strength to contain those puppies.

Best of Rodney Dill
Two words: Tacoma Narrows

Best of Jay Guevara
Spot the mammal.

Best of Spin
Sweater Mastiffs

Best of Artfldgr
Each one has its own zip code

Best of blue
what M'Chel thinks she looks like

Best of Kaptain Krude
Ray Bradbury thought bubble: "Oh, f*** ME!"

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

All Right, Who's the Wise Guy?


1. Little Jennifer's flawless reading of R. Lee Ermey's Full Metal Jacket monolog was the cutest, most disturbing thing the Marines had ever seen.
2. "All right, which one of you posted the 'midget hooker' caption?"
3. "... and just what do you gentleman want with Kuato?"

4. "Sorry, guys, it's just when I think of you having to salute that Marxist Kenyan piece-of-shit I just get so f--king mad."

5. "The Marines learned a valuable lesson that day; do not let Jerry Seinfeld hire the stripper for your bachelor party."

Do Not Adjust Your Knobs

Um, Al, I think

1. Rejected by the entire fraternity, Angeline resorts to date-raping herself.

2. "No, I'm still a pre-op tranny. These are on-loan so I can get used to the feel of them."

3. "Hey, big boy. Wanna go Michael Vick on my sweater puppies?"

4.Photographic evidence emerged that exonerated MONORAIL KITTEH from the molestation allegations.

5. The final test of the vice squad examination: Would the candidate notice the heroin syringe on the rail if the butterface was fondling herself?

Best of Dr. Doom .
In order to speed the boarding process, Big Sister implemented the 'Self Pat Down Procedure' being demonstrated here by Kayla. Thousands of male TSA Agents quit the next day...

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck .
While attempting to adjust her misalined hooters, Becky yanked so hard that she jerked herself over the rail behind her and plunged to an untimely yet hillarious death on the jagged rocks below.

Best of Matt the K .
Kylie was pleasantly surprised when she actually got a response from Tokyo.

Best of Submariner .
They're not real.
They're not fabulous.
But, like, you gonna do any better?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston .
They're REAL and they're... well, mediocre.

Best of dadoctah .
And yet, though it surprises even me, I'd do her.
Wouldn't post the pics on Facebook though.