Saturday, July 31, 2010

Aw, Is Widdow Poossy Boy Gonna Cwy?

Sondrak.

1. "I can't believe Bella chose Jacob."

2. "But... but... John Edwards is GOOD!"

3. "Spencer Ackerman stole my Dating and Sexuality book!"

4. Sometimes wedgies feel so good that you just have to cry.

5. "Hey, there's no reason to cry. You're gonna be the most popular boy at Central Lock-Up."

Friday, July 30, 2010

Your Lack of Fries Is Not the Most Disturbing Thing About This Tableau

blue and Subby

1. "I told some ten year old I'd do his bidding and... yadda yadda yadda..."

2. Whew! That's a relief. For a minute, I thought lunch was gonna be California Cuisine.

3. Lord Vader's Forced Labor Day BBQ marked the traditional end of summer on Coruscant.

4. "What could I do? He said he didn't mind the sand. I hate the sand. Lousy sand-lover."

5. "Put it in Boss Nass's bed. Just a warning not to go against the family. I mean, we can't exactly threaten that he'll sleep with the fishes. He's into that."

Darth Safeschoolczar Makes a Friend

John Schneider

1. "I like you, youngling. I think I'll kill you last."

2. "This costume is a stifling hot sauna of plastic and polyester but seeing your tight little ass makes it all worthwhile, Billy."

3. Within the ranks of the Imperial Master-Youngling Love Association, no one really noticed Vader's evil.

4. "Y'ever see a grown man naked? Or, at least, the charred and dismembered torso of a grown man naked?"

5. Giving out participation medals at the Imperial Special Olympics was among Lord Vader's most loathsome duties.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Army Brats



Best of Bud Bundy
Hooters, Hooters, Yum, Yum, Yum!
Hooters, Hooters on a girl that's dumb!

best of Submariner
No, they're not real. Fabulous? I'll let all those slack-jawed mouth-breathers typing decide...

best of dadoctah
Notice how they seem to follow you around the room?

Have I Used This One Before? I Don't Think I've Used This One Before



Best of Army of Dad
I guess we know what she was wearing when her laxative kicked in.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I've heard the rumors about the existence of Vagina dentata, but this might be incontrovertible proof of a real snatchquatch.

Best of Submariner
Failed ad campaigns #2197:
Chaps - it's what's fer dinner.

Best of dub
Worst.Queef.Ever.

Best of wacha
... and after the puffy shirt failure, comes the fresh-air jeans, parce que not always you are in the mood for le bidet

Best of Steve O
Sometimes a picture is worth three words.
"Good to go."

I Tawt I Taw a Puddy Twat



Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Help prevent feral sluts. Always spay or neuter or both. We don't want things like that to breed.

Best of Submariner
I kinda like the new Jacksonville Cheerleader's outfits...

Best of dadoctah
She can has my cheezburger any time she wants.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Shiny Wallpaper

Brender

1. Spencer Ackerman makes a Jornolist Post from within the confines of his Karl Rove mind-control-rays-proof bunker.

2. Kos Diarist "Mind Honey" redecorated his room during the height of anti-Bush hysteria and never looked back. "None of us is safe until the last Rethuglican Theokkkrat is dead" he posted in a featured diary.

3. With the mind-confusion rays blocked out, Sullivan was finally able to think clearly. "Can anyone deny that Sarah Palin faked her pregnancy to hide the fact that Trig is a human-alien hybrid bred by the grays and the reverse-vampires in their breeding colony on Galactos IV?"

4. Larry's fetish room was too much even for Andrew Sullivan.

5. "So, has the acid worn off or is Larry still convinced he's a baked potato?"

Best of jj
Turn the microwave on now, bitch!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sign on Door - NO Flash Cameras Permitted!!

Dear Energy Czar, I've got an idea for reducing office electricity consumption to a single watt per cubicle!

Best of JohnS1959
"All this foil should make it so Steve Jobs can't detect the jailbreak on my iPhone", thought Bob, "and as an added bonus maybe the antenna will work too"

Threadwinner: Rodney Dill
"Curses, foiled again."

Best of Submariner
Meanwhile, back at the Reynolds Research Room...

Best of dadoctah
"Yeah, it's distracting, ugly, and noisy as hell when I get up and walk around, but it's worth it because it drives the cat nucking futs."

Best of molson
Sorry there Biff, aluminum foil doesn't work on gaydar.

Best of Eric
MOM! Dammit call cable guy again, I'm still not getting any wireless signal down here! And where's my hot pockets?

Best of Submariner
MoveOn.Org; how may I direct your call?

Girl Hunts Plastic Dinosaur



1. The budget for Jurassic Park IV was much lower than that of its predecessors.

2. Bob Scheiffer is taken down by Piper Palin in his own backyard.

3. I knew Deadliest Warrior would eventually run low on ideas, but Amazons versus velociraptors?

4. "And Sarah Palin thinks American Indians hunted dinosaurs," Kathleen Parker thought visual aids would jazz up her columns.

5. "Attention campers. All your parents died last night and tonight's dinner will be hot dogs and beans."

Best of metalgarth
you know, the newer and edgier "Barney" show isn't so bad!

Best of JohnS1959
"That's the last time Dino makes that annoying noise", thought Wilma, "and if I hear one more Yabba Dabba Do, I swear I'm going to..."

Best of GregMan
A childhood photo of Sarah Palin's solves the mystery of why there aren't any dinosaurs anymore.

Best of mega
Taking a break from work on their new ad campaign "Beyond Petroleum: Saving the planet by connecting with real people on a deep emotive level to overcome our inner hurdles and emerge better people through technology and eco-justice," BP executives enjoyed hunting and killing the world's rarest reptiles for sport.

Best of ☣ Carpe Phlogiston
Suzi and her dad took a lot of ribbing... right up until the first water-sucking mother ship and 5000 scaley visitors from Sirius 4 arrived.

Best of Spin
"V" will not return this fall if Tiffany has anything to say about it.

Best of molson
Welcome to Jurassic Trailer Park.

Best of blue
Sarah traveled back in time to kill the dinosaurs & ensure an abundant oil supply in what would become Alaska

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Democrats R Ghey


1. "Mr. President, does the name 'Nina Burleigh' mean anything to you?"

2. "Would I willingly trade away all freedom and opportunity to fondle the president's crotch? Damn right I would!"

3. "It's Twoooo! It's twoooooo!"

4. "Why is the back of this thing all sticky? Ewwwwwww! Dammit, Sullivan!"

5. "Why is there never anything to eat at these Pride Fests except corn dogs and onion rings? Oh, wait, I get it!"

Best of Vinney
To raise money for democrats at the Gay Pride Festival the traditional kissing booth has been replaced by a glory hole booth....ewwwwwww!

Best of molson
Just checking on what I am signing up for here.

Best of Submariner
Sign just out of view to the left; Briefs 2011

Best of Dr. Doom
Ahh the President's labor statistics are becoming clearer. Apparently he has been counting 'hand jobs'.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Two-dimensional, stiff, uninteresting...and this cutout version isn't any better."

Best of Oiao
"Hey, I found the half white part of Obama!"

Best of blue
Bruce tingled as he examined Obama's stimulus package

Saluting Doghenge

Steve O
1. The bottom-to-top ratio among gay dogs was worse than the Chinese male-female ratio among twenty-somethings.

2. Lynndie England's dog.

3. Cadet Lu-Chang welcomes our new Gay Dog Overlords.

4. "I got it! The category is 'South Park episodes' and the answer is 'Butters Bottom Bitch.' Chang and Spot were shoo-ins for Stupid Pet Tricks.

5. "I liked it better when they just told me to kill the whores," Chang mused.

Best of VInney
The dogs couldn't figure out where Mecca was.

Best of Submariner
"So we will bow to the superior intelllect of our masters ... Squirrel!"

Best of Double the U
It is kind of like spin-the-bottle for dogs, but they play to see who's ass gets sniffed.

Best of molson
Wait... wait... wait... OK. Sniff butt.

Best of dub
Ang Lee's remake of Lassie left a lot to be desired.

Best of Dr. Doom
According to a report provided by the administration, the President's new Canine Affairs Czar is already saving the taxpayers money by assembling his staff each morning for a "group sniff". North Korean efficiency consultants hired to observe saluted the idea immediately!

Best of Jack Reacher
Satanic dog rituals are really weird.

Best of dadoctah
"According to my new sundial, it's exactly labrador past airedale."

Best of Manny
Reminds me of the comment section of LittleGreenFootballs.

Best of Submariner
So tell me Mr. Olberman, do you have this dream often, or only the night after the ratings are posted?

Best of Vinney
Patton finished practicing his immortal speech with, "OK, you son of bitches, now you know how I feel."

The Guy Who Wants to Smash Conservatives into Plate Glass Windows


1. "So, that's a vagina? Ewwwww!"

2. "Nah, this doesn't seem like anything I'd be interested in. I'll just become a blogger."

3. "Oh, look, more happy couples representing the patriarchy's heteronormative oppression." (Sniff) "Why won't anyone love me?"

4. "A-ha! So, women only like appealing men. That's why I never get any."

5. ORA: "This book still hasn't explained why people are always asking me what it is I can't face."

Best of sonicfrog
Hmmmm, he needs more dating help than I realized!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thawtbubble of 27-year old Amish runaway - Wow, if Papa hadn't left this book in the latrine, by now I could be married with kids and not even know where they came from!

Best of GregMan
"So according to this, it's totally OK to get off by rubbing the crotch of a cardboard cutout of Comrade President. Goody!"

Best of Dr. Doom
Why liberalism is a self correcting problem...

Best of Submariner
"Me time" in 3... 2... 1...

Monday, July 26, 2010

Hell's Cossacks

Brender


1. Fortunately, Mrs. Putin was wearing her "I'm the bitch who fell off" T-shirt that day.

2. Nice of Steve Forbes to loan Vlad his dad's old biker gang.

3. ORA:"How can anyone possibly call us 'faggots?' Well, except for Ron and Mikhail back there." (After exchanging vows in Iowa, Mikhail and Ron intend to honeymoon in Sturgis.)

4. All right, so they roll into town, get drunk, rape the women, and wreck everything in sight. And they are different from non-biker Russians how?

5. While the American president wears mom jeans, hangs curtains, and bows to everything in sight, the Russian guy rides with bikers. WTF?

Best of blue
"Which way is Poland?"

Best of molson
OK guys remember when we get to the next village we run off the women and rape the animals.

Best of Silhouette
Helmet laws? Those are for iron-fisted authoritarian states.

Best of dadoctah
Tributes to the late Dennis Hopper came from some unexpected quarters.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Is that Mad Max up ahead? Well, none of us is black or Jewish, so we should be okay."

Best of Submariner
In Mother Russia, Harley rides you.
and so does Vlad,
and Vasiliy,
and Leonid,
and Petr,
and...

Best of divine miss m
Ours eats the child-size ice cream and theirs rides a Harley; which one do YOU think the world's gonna listen to?!

Best of Vinney
On the next Pawn Stars, a destitute Vladimar Putin and the rest of the Russian government head to Rick and the Old Man for some quick cash.

Brain Freeze in July

Brender

1. Hmm, I guess the Iranians must be butchering folk again.

2. "And counting the guy who cuts the milk truck driver's hair, this cone represents 47 jobs created or saved."

3. He really wanted a double chocolate cone, but he was terrified that FoxNews would call him a racist.

4. Having learned his table manners at wine-tastings at Bill Ayers's house, Obama swishes the ice cream in his mouth then spits it on an American flag.

5. "But the Teleprompter hasn't said to start licking yet."

Best of Double the U
"I know I have taxed everything so much that ice cream is no longer affordable, besides ice cream is terrible for your health and I run health care now, but let me tell you, on a hot July day, there is nothing better!"

Best of JohnS1959
"Now kids", said the President to Mrs. Jones' ninth grade Free Enterprise class, "think of this cone as your typical small business in America".

Best of sixdegreesofblondness
"Isn't that just what I've been telling you? You can't go for an ice cream without them asking for your papers. They just asked for mine, and I'm still not showing them."

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Yes, it's true - in order to pay for ObamCare and my ice cream, I must repeal the Bush tax cuts."

Best of HLam
"I asked for Arugula flavored and they gave me French Vanilla. Who the hell do they think I am, John Kerry?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Ah, my little chilly friend. I shall bow to you in ways that man has never bowed to others ever before!"

Best of marco
"Sorry to take your, um, ice cream, Billy, but I, er, need to redistribute it to a community I'm organizing." Obama turns a simple photo op in middle America into a teachable moment.

Best of Vinney
"Today I signed an Executive Order so that the government has bought Baskin-Robbins and will shut down 23 unproductive flavors. Secretaries Geitner and Sebelius believe chocolate, vanilla and strawberry are enough."

Best of GregMan
"Mmm, this tastes just like the ice cream Frank Marshall Davis used to buy me so I wouldn't tell my grandparents what he did to me."

Best of Submariner
Let's, um, say that this ice, uh, cream represents your income. Then my, um, administration's spending policy, um, would have to be rep, um, resented by the, uh, uuum, sun...

Best of mega
The look on Obamas face said it all. "WHITE ice cream?"

Best of blue
"Lick This, Republican Swine!!"

Sunday, July 25, 2010

How Teh Family Is Doing


Since a couple of people have asked... Son #1 is adjusting to his diabetes and I am adjusting to the cost of diabetes supplies. Even with insurance, it's not fun. (But I'm not about to turn into a whining Obamunist and demand that other people be robbed to pay for his health care. We'll make some cuts elsewhere.) Son #2 doesn't have Celiac's disease, he just has extreme gluten intolerance that will probably become Celiac's in the future. And it only cost $700 to find this out. Yea! Son #3 needs a haircut. Hmmm.... shouldn't there be a Government program for that? The people from my church have been just excellent through this. If there's a lesson, it's that it's wise to choose a community and a lifestyle of people who will support you when the chips are down.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

A Boy with a Big Hose


1. "Look at me! I'm Peter North!" Sadly, this *is* Standard Caption #16.

2. "Oops, I think I got some in that girl's hair." "Happens to all of us, kid."

3. "This kicks ass! Tell me more about Bull Connor." ATDHE.

4. "Better spray her again, Billy. She's still got some whore on her."

5. "Sorry, Father O'Malley. Just enforcing the restraining order."

Best of Jack Reacher
We've secretly replaced the water with a mixture of bleach and lye. Let's see if anyone notices.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"YOU WANNA BUY SOME F****** COOKIES NOW, BEYOTCH?!?"

Best of racerboy
Standard Cap #282: "It puts the lotion on its skin!!!"

Best of dadoctah
Even in his civilian identity, Aquaman was kind of a wuss.

Best of Adriane
What part of 'This is a non-smoking tugboat!' did you NOT understand?!?

Best of Eric
SO.. 100 years of On my honor, I will do my best, to do my duty to God, and my Country...DOES PAY OFF.

Best of molson
Hit her again kid. Her top is starting to dry out.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Mega Streisand

Divine Miss M


1. Her comeback tour took an Ozbournian turn when Babs bit the head off Tina Fey.

2. Desperate for publicity when his post-Lost career tanked, Jorge Garcia went the Larry Wachowski route.

3. Barbra Streisand's new list of concert demands include lily petals in her toilet bowl, no looking her in the eye, and the immediate execution of anyone who mistakes her for Chaz Bono.

4. "Why do people keep offering me delicious cake and what does 'Om nom nom nom' mean?"

5. So, if a Thursday babe with a slight belly roll represents the Bush deficit, the Obama deficit would be represented by what?

Best of Vinney
Mickey Rourke looks terrible.

Best of champaignken
Shamu has really let himself go.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
If Kirstie Alley and Barbras Sreisand ever decided to bump uglies, seismometers on the other side of the globe would wiggle.

Best of dadoctah
"Don't you know who I am?! I'm Jonah Hex's stepmother, goddammit!"

Best of dadoctah
Aiieee!!! Gojira!!!

now with implied South Park reference

Best of Steve O
As long as she doesn't sing, I'm cool with whatever.

Best of Jack Reacher
Apparently after "A Star Is Born" it went supernova.

Best of Jay Guevara
BS (!) thought bubble: "I wish those goddamned Greenpeace people would mind their own business."

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
I thought Lowell George was dead?

Best of mega
In retrospect, "The Way We Were" turned out to be be a rueful look back at a world before 24-hour pizza delivery and 1 gallon "family" buckets at Baskin Robbins.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
You don't bring me Twinkies anymore...

Best of Submariner
Hang on, Lindsay; Mama Cass is comin' to your rescue!

Greens on her Head

Brender

1. An elderly woman was killed today in a freak accident when a basket of arugula fell from a passing presidential helicopter.

2. "Dammit, Aunt Jeanne, that stuff is supposed to be medicinal!"

3. "M'Chel, I am sorry I mistook your dress for a picnic blanket. How long do I have to stand in your garden like this."

4. Not only was the Obama's gift basket of arugula an insult to the Norwegian Prime Minister, but the method of delivery also left something to be desired.

5. Shirley Sherrod said, "I can't help you, why don't you go seek help from your own kind ... the other chalk-faced whores."


Best of Jack Reacher
I see the "Green Economy" is about as productive as I'd expected.

Best of Vinney
"Hi, welcome to The Olive Garden. My name is Beth and I'll be your waitress tonight. Would you like some salad"?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Everyone remarked as to how lifelike taxidermist Smith's scarecrow was, yet it took over a month before anyone asked why Edna hadn't returned from a visit to her mother's.

Best of dadoctah
"Who throws salad? Honestly?"

Best of mega
Hillary realizing she'd been played and was a humiliated husk of her former self, plastering a smile on her face, Round 1,329.

Best of JohnS1959
"No it isn't really that difficult", said the Secretary of State, "I have many years of practice handling basket cases and vegetables".

Best of Submariner
How to deliver arugula to the Oval Office, Lesson 1...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Floater



Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Check the chlorine level, QUICK! Hopefully it's an optical illusion, but her right arm appears to be dissolving.

Best of Rodney Dill
Floater? I don't even know her.

Best of dub
OMG! The Tidy Bowl Mans wife went overboard!!!

Best of mega
If the Tea Partier sinks and drowns, then she is repentent and aquitted. If she floats, she is guilty.

Best of Submariner
Maybe nobody likes Skeletor, but Ms. Skeletor is another matter...

Summer School



Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ashleigh was voted Most Likely to Never Get a Traffic Ticket.

Best of GregMan
"Wow, that Spot can sure run!" Kristi expands her intellectual horizons.

Best of GregMan
"This book is so funny! All these letters and no pictures! Why would anyone want a book like this?"

Best of Matt the K
Don't worry, Ashlynn comes with her own English-to-Bimbo dictionary.

Best of dadoctah
Just to mess with your narrow-minded presumptions, she's both a fully qualified neurosurgeon *and* a particle physicist.

Best of mega
"This is so weird...it's like a whole bunch of tweets, strung together, on a piece of thin bark. Is this some old-person thing, like Myspace?"

Best of skinnydipinacid
Title of Book: "How to Remove a Chastity Belt"

Best of Kaptain Krude
How sad! This says 4 Brazilians died in an earthquake. How many is in a brazilian?

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Tiger Balling

Brender

1. Actually, the more humiliating part of Tiger's performance came later when Bob Barker beat the crap out of him.

2. "There's a tiny little person on the the golf ball. I think she wants to have sex with me." Tiger Hears a Ho.

3. And as John Steed pummeled him to death with the umbrella, Tiger spent his last moments regretting his hook-up with Emma Peel.

4. "What's the matter, little white ball? Don't you wanna be with your own kind?" Tiger regrets hiring Shirley Sherrod as his "Ball Whisperer" coach.

5. "If he can sink this putt, I bet him and a pack of his buddies are gonna gang rape some white woman who looks like a f**king pig in heat ." Mel Gibson's first and last day as an ESPN announcer.

Best of HLim
"Nope, not mine. Elin must have flung my left nut a little further."


Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
See, Mr President, this is how you bow to a golf ball..

Best of mega
"How the eff did you get so into my OODA loop?"

Best of dub
Andrew Sullivans search for "Black men giving oral to white balls" was yet another disappointment.

Best of Buzzhead
Race you to the hole! Ready, set ...

In the Crawlspace of the Dreamhouse

Inappropriate Barbies

1. Van Der Sloot Barbie comes with unique accessories.

2. Signs your eight year old daughter is not taking the divorce as well as you had hoped.

3. Joss Whedon's TV show concepts just get weirder and weirder.

4. And as they cleaned out Olbermann's dressing room, they found even more bondage Barbies with names like "Sarah" "Malkin" and "Megyn Kelly" Sharpied on their backs.

5. I am not sure exactly with this phase of Mel Gibson's therapy was meant to accomplish.

Best of blue
Bondage Barbie was taken off the shelf when Kmart could not identify Mattels target audience.

Best of dub
Sure, it seems cruel...but look how it helps them stay so skinny.

Best of mega
The new USDA dolls designed to help employees understand how to interface with avocacy groups were a big hit.

Best of Matt the K
United victims of Bennetton.

Best of Spin
V the K yelled: Shut up!
I'll untie you on Thursday.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Little Jimmy's claim that he was just practicing knot-tying for a boy scout merit badge pretty much ensured a court-ordered 72-hour psyche eval.

Best of Dr. Doom
The NOW announces its new Anne Coulter line of right wing female action figures.

Best of mega
It's like watching the guests on the O'Reilly Factor, but without having to hit the mute button.

Best of mega
Following the Sharpton-Jackson Lee protest, Mattel reluctantly agreed to be more racially inclusive in all of its sadomasochistic rape fantasy products.

Best of Steve O
The last hours of a severed-head Barbie.

Best of dadoctah
"I wouldn't worry about it, Mrs Simmons. Lots of eight-year-old boys go through a brief phase of playing with dolls, so your little Richard is just--wait, what?"

Best of molson
Nine out of ten women in Berkley found this demeaning enough to actually want to do it.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Anderson Cooper and... um... Friend


1. "Is... is... is that Steve Jobs's wang?"

2. "OK, fine, we'll leave the seats on, Spoilsport."

3. "You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.'" Anderson Cooper keeps the boyfriend in his place... and turned on.

4. AC: "I dunno, Bruce. Sometimes, it just seems like nobody is even paying attention to me."

5. The Jornolist Tweet says: "Ratings, schmatings. You just go out there and be the best Obamawhore you know how to be."

Best of mega
When Prince declared the era of automobiles "over", the remaining two people who knew he was still alive took him seriously.

Best of Vinney
Looks like Andy is peddling his ass again.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Next time you rent us bicycles, get the cute ones that don't have this darn horizontal center bar. And a basket, I want a nice basket. And make them pink. I really like pink.

Best of Jack Reacher
Coop, you need to wear a helmet to protect your...ah, never mind. Carry on.

Best of Submariner
You tell Shep that no matter how fast or far he drives that Porsche of his, I'm gonna catch him and kick his a$$ in the ratings...

Best of Jay Guevara
"Wow, check this news. Ricky Martin is a fag. Imagine!"

Best of GregMan
"I'm telling you, Andy, that dog on CapThis does have a bigger pee-pee than you!"

Threadwinner dadoctah
You're never going to pass for Mormon missionaries dressed like that.

Knick Knack Paddy Whack


Courtesy of Carpe Phlogiston


1. Awww.... I wonder what he's dreaming about.


2. "I think he's trying to tell us something. What is it, girl? Timmy's tied up in the back of the school janitor's van!"

3. 'Ow to speak Enumclaw: "Kiddie Porn."

4. Yep, that taxidermist is one sick intercourse.

5. "Dude. Like... we totally got the dog stoned. OK, let's write the budget." Behind the scenes at the California State Assembly.

Best of mega
When Bo found out he'd get his own private jet to Maine, he passed out from the excitement!

Best of JohnS1959
Sick 'em fang!

Best of dub
Nice costume AOD.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Tragedy struck the Goldblut's residence last night when Harold's 463-lb wife Marge plopped down on the sofa with her nightly carton of ice cream and then asked where Schmoopy was hiding.

Best of dadoctah
"Wiggle...your big...toe....."

Best of Rodney Dill
Mozilla TiredFox

Best of mega
"Honey, have you seen my Xanax?"

Best of Submariner
ORA:When 'that dog won't hunt,' try new Puppy Uppers!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Make a Wish

Racerboy

1. Robert Byrd's funeral takes a surprisingly Iranian turn.

2. "Dammit, Lou, I know the zombies have him, but we can still save his fabulous vintage Bugle Boys."

3. And then Andrew Sullivan woke up.

4. As he was unceremoniously dumped from yet another blog, it began to dawn on V the K that no one gives a crap about his political opinions.

5. After 11 anarchist protesters filed Police brutality lawsuits and the ACLU intervened on Freedom of Speech grounds, the police announced their new policy of non-interference in human sacrifices.

Best of dadoctah
Stretch Armstrong has really let himself go.

Best of Adriane
It's true! Fat people ARE harder to kidnap...

Best of GregMan
Y'know, guys, it IS possible to be a cannibal and still have manners...

Best of divine miss m
Crowd-surfing at OzzFest sure didn't prepare Ian for this.

Threadwinner blue
"Jesus Use Me" he cried out as the ObamaTroopers pulled him away from the Tea Party

Best of The Watcher
The hottest item on 2010's Christmas List: Full-size Stretch Armstrong!

Best of Jack Reacher
"An exposed abdomen! Here's a way to make $540!" thinks Al Gore's one-time masseuse.

Best of mega
"BMI appears to be 31. Good work, team. Let's move on to the next house."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Too late, it dawns on Irwin Fignottle that yelling, "You want a piece of me? You want a piece of ME?!" is not the wisest choice of words in this situation.

Best of Submariner
Slowly the crowd made way for the Samurai Judge to step forward and pass sentence...

Best of JohnS1959
In other news, Government agents today began to implment the President's obesity 'final solution' outside a McDonalds franchise in Peoria...

Best of JohnS1959
Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated!

Sea Chelle

Dougie

1. "Yo! Dumbass! I found you one of them white women you're always looking for."

2. "What has two thumbs and no fashion sense? This wookie right here."

3. M'Chel often relieves stress by walking on the beach and firing an imaginary .50 Cal at all the white people.

4. "Yo, Queen Sappho, I’m really happy for you. Imma let you finish. But BeyoncĂ© had one of the best videos of all time.”

5. Yo, M'Chel. Rorschach called. He wants his face-mask back.


Best of Double the U
When asked to be an interrupter for the deaf, Michelle just screamed the words and gave a thumbs up.

Best of Vinney
In a rare Girls Gone Wild video, an excited Michelle Obama gives two thumbs up to the man with erection from the previous beach post.

Threadwinner: Matt the K
Kathy Bates and Diana Ross star in "Misery II: Ankle Breakers in Paradise"

Best ofracerboy
Does this microphone make my goiter look smaller?

Best of Jack Reacher
"Kill some crackers, and their babies! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!"

Best of Passionate Conservative
Me sticking both thumbs up in the air in this economy makes as much sense as me standing nest to this obviously obese old hag of a...wait, you are a woman, aren't you?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Unlike her wimpy husband, when a wharf rat ran across her podium, she caught it, swallowed it whole and gave the stunned audience a 2 thumbs up.

Best of Submariner
...and finally, I am pleased to announce that a new shipment of drapes was just sent to the White House.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Look at what that gulf water did to my dress - we're going to Maine for vacation", said the First Lady.

Best of dadoctah
Frankie and Annette have really let themselves go.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Yeah, Another Frakkin' Free for All

Davewalker via Facebook




Best of Matt the K
Best wishes to you and your family from me and the rest of the Jessica-Parker family.

Best of Double the U
Quit complaining guys, whenever I ask if you want to do something different you always say "neigh"

Best of dadoctah
Little-known movie trivia: after the success of 1968's "Planet of the Apes", all sorts of ripoffs of the concept were tried. The low-budget "Pony World" is remembered today only for its one saving grace: a guy in a horse's head and racing silks riding on the back of a near-nude Julie Newmar.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Hung like a Horse" was one lost episode of The Prisoner Patrick McGoogan never wanted aired.

Best of Adriane
Never, never turn over auditions for Equus to a My Little Pony production assistant ...

Best of dadoctah
I guess now we know what happens when a cowboy drops acid.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Senator Kerry's family reunions are always the highlight of the summer.

Best of mega
"Just stay off facebook this time," their handler told them, as a whole new crop of Russian secret agents attempted to blend in to everyday American life.

Best of Submariner
Look at the frakkin line! And I gotta p!ss like a, well, you know...

Best of sonicfrog
Just moments before the sad tragedy, Ol' Gray Fred tried desperately to alert his fellow patrons about the run-away hay trailer barreling toward them. But, unfortunately for all, he was a little horse that morning.

Best of JohnS1959
MoveOn.org attempts the old trojan horse ploy to infiltrate the Tea Party rally...

Sorry for the Captionlessness

I guess I owe you some explanation for the recent spate of Free For Alls. First of all, two of my sons are experiencing medical problems. One was hospitalized for a week and is adjusting to his diagnosis as a Type 1 diabetic. The other may have an untreatable digestive disorder, that will also require lifestyle changes.

On top of this, I had to travel for a week to Huntsville AL {a very nice city, by the way) for work. The work aspect of it was sheer Hell. Everybody was blaming me for their own screw ups. I am used to getting that from teenagers, but you expect people to behave more professionally in a work environment. Hand to God, I am not making this up... I had engineers who were refusing to write a Technical Specification because they didn't like the way the document containing their instructions was formatted. It had to be sent back to a desktop publisher to change the font and paragraph style before they would write their Specs.

That is typical of the bullsh-t I've had to put up with all last week. It's hard to write funny captions when all you really can think about is how you wish you had the scanner-like power to make heads explode.

My only relief was I was able to take my new 14 year old son (who is not undergoing medical problems) with me. And we had some good times together. I gave him some illicit driving lessons in the company parking lot. We found a place that makes these incredible chocolate-and-nut-covered caramel apples. He mastered the hotel's shuttle system and was able to get around town on his own. A cougar at the hotel swimming pool tried to get him to apply sunscreen to her back. Good times.

I am going to try and get things back to normal this week. Thanks for your understanding and whatall.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Free For All For Tuesday


Best of dadoctah
Neither Lance nor Steve really understood how to play pool.

You ought to see them bowling.

Best of blue
OK, winner does the reach around, right?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
David Attenborough whispers: Throughout the animal kingdom, gender hierarchical structuring involves competition. We're here in Boi's Town to observe how "strip armwrestling" helps determine the pecker order.

Best of mega
"Winner gets the emergency kidney transplant." ObamaCare rationing decisions turned out not to be between patient and doctor, but between patient and patient.

Best of Submariner
Loser buys the pudding?

Best of Matt the K
I guess it really IS fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.



Monday, July 12, 2010

Yeah, Whoever Won, You're Still Gay




Best of skinnydipinacid
I've seen pre-game stretches leading up to the big game before, but I've never seen post-game stretches leading to the big post-game locker room orgy?

Best of Adriane
Ang Lee's remake of Bend It Like Beckham ... well, let's just say the new emphasis was on the Bend and not so much the Beckham ...

Best of Jay Guevara
The Barney Frank Furters loosen up before the big game.

Best of dadoctah
I bet Paul the Prognosticating Octopus didn't predict *this*!

Best of molson
Here let me help you stretch something.

Best of Rodney Dill
...later the charges were reduced to 'Just Following Too Close.'

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Sorry for the Free For All, I'm just really swamped



Best of Submariner
I KNOW it's not polite to point, but, seriously; a ticket?
REALLY?

Best of Adriane
If only we could do a full face transplant from that pouty young doink below ... or maybe do a full doink transplant to that pouty full face below ...

Best of blue
Sorry Sir, I can not give you directions to a Happy Ending, you'll have to find that yourself.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Hey, Bucky, keep your second chakra to yourself."

Best of Kaptain Krude
OJA: After many tries, the youngest Kennedy finally put the potato in the right spot.

Best of Davy Bones
"I'm sorry sir, in order to discourage bonfires, this beach has a strict'No Wood' rule.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
The Gunderson twins giggled nervously and looked away as their parents played yet another round of "Rate the Boner."

Friday, July 09, 2010

And Another Free For All...

My Pet Jawa on a tip from Al

Home Is Wherever You Hang Your Helmet

Brender
I am swamped at work. Take it, monors....


Best of dub
Statistically speaking, shouldnt at least two of them have little turtlenecks around their helmets?

Best of dub
Honey, some guys are here saying they'd like to explore Uranus.

Best of Silhouette
How many astronauts do you see?
"Six!"
Very good. You're good at math!

NASA prepares for its prime mission, making Muslims feel good about themselves

Best of GregMan
In space no one can hear you swish.

Best of Matt the K
"DEVO in Space"...almost as good as "KISS Meets The Phantom of The Park"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Hi, we're from NASA, and our number one goal is to enhance outreach to our Muslim frien... Oh, for fucks' sake, are we REALLY going to do this?"

Director: "CUT!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
...all candidates must be in excellent physical shape, have no allergies, and bear an uncanny resemblance to Agent Smith.

Best of Mr. Right
Al Gore's latest batch of sperm-o-nauts prepare for the imminent release of his second chakra.

Best of Army of Dad
In a desperate attempt to save the space program NASA set to work on making love dolls for Congressman Frank.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Steve and Friend and a Creepy-Ass Smile


1. "Happy birthday!" "Scandi Midget Porn? How did you know?"

2. "Oh, Steve. You've made me the happiest man on Earth. Yes! Yes! I will marry you."

3. "Ha! Look at the faggy emo kid in the leather cuffs. Wait! That's my son."

4. "Is... is... is that your wang?"

5. "My God! It's full of Obama speeches!"

Best of Double the U
ORA: An IPod with illegal possessed Deep Purple songs, how did you ever know?

Best of JohnS1959
I have no idea what it is but I must have one. No make that two!

Best of Jack Reacher
"Oh, this is great. I can't wait to show Dawn this captioning site."

Best of Jack Reacher
"So this Prince guy says the Internet is over? The Internet says Prince was over, oh, about twelve years ago."

Best of Adriane
Doctor ... Doctor ... I'm ...beautiful!!!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Gosh, if you're Edison Carter, then THAT must be Max Headroom messing with Apple's signal strength bars!
Yep, now pull your thumb out of Max's ear or he's going to kill you.

Best of Spin
Wow, an app that is powered by your life-force.
Well say hi to Trotsky.

Best of Matt the K
Medvedev loves his new iCommie. And also his iPhone.

Best of mega
"And here's the pic of me and Obummer eating a cheesburger so people will think we respect him. I titled this pic 'What a douche'"

Mahmoud and His Robot Friend

Gateway Pundit on a Tip from Mr. Right

1. "And when it blows up in the middle of a bunch of Jews, it gets 72 fembots in the Afterlife."

2. "What? You meatbags built me to be a Suicide Bot? Bite my shiny metal ass!"

3. ORA: "Please put down your weapon. You have 20 seconds to comply." "Better do what he says, Mahmoud."

4. "He became self-aware fourteen hours ago. Twelve hours ago, he denounced the Koran as a load of crap."

5. "We don't have all day, Mahmoud. Is this, or is this not, the droid you were looking for?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Yes, Mr. President, stains wipe right off of it. Why do you ask?"

Best of Dr. Doom
The Sargon Ambassador arrived with offers of technology beyond Earth's wildest dreams. As a result of an unfortunate detour, he met with Mahmoud first. The invasion fleet will arrive in two weeks...

Best of HLam
"No, I will *not* give you my jacket and trousers to try on the robot."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
This looks way too much like allah. Execute the inventor and bring this abomination... and a tube of KY jelly... to my personal quarters ♩ ♬ immediately! ♫ ♪ ♪

Best of dadoctah
I *knew* all along that the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers were in league with the terrorists!

Best of Matt the K
And sir--you'll like this--with the mildest provocation, he too transforms into a douchebag.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"But this sex toy looks nothing like a goat!"

Threadwinner dub
You fools! This infidel robot does not have a compliant haircut!

Best of dadoctah
"I swear to Allah, if it sings 'It's A Small World' one more time, I'm issuing a fatwa on Michael Eisner!"

Assistant Threadwinner GregMan
"It has the Fourth Law of Robotics, 'KILL THE JOOS', programmed in already, right?"

Best of Spin
Ok, nine goats, two boys and my wife. Now let's shake on it.

Best of Submariner
"...and it comes with 17 different hand attachments to take care of whatever project you have in mind."
"Throw in a '14" personal massager' attachment and I'll take a gross of them."

Best of Vinney
Just before he died, Billie May hawks his latest invention- the robo-mullah to Mahmud AHMADINEJAD.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

If it's Tuesday, It Must Be...

Brender


1. Under the Safe Schools Czar, requirements for a Presidential Medal of Fitness have changed somewhat.

2. "Limber up, loosen that hamstring, and I'm ready for my date with Perez Hilton."

3. "Dang, none of those Marines even gave me a second look. Well, these pumps were a waste of $200."

4. "Well, even in these shoes, I should be able to outrun Congressman Frank considering his pants are around his ankles and he has a full boner."

5. So, what's Ang Lee remakin' here? Chariots of Fire or Pretty Woman?

Best of mpur
Huh. I didn't know they made Huggies Pull-Ups in that size.

Best of Dr. Doom
Steve misunderstood what his friends meant when they invited him to a 'drag race'. All hell broke loose when Bubba and JimBob stopped by to pick him up.

Best of sonicfrog
Those who are complaining about J. Michael Straczynski's recent changes in Wonder Woman's super hero attire should thank their lucky stars that John Waters was dumped from the project early on.

Best of Jack Reacher
He was doing an okay "I'm a little teapot" until he showed off his "spout." His trial date is next Wednesday.

Best of divine miss m
The captain of the school embroidery team, all grown up.

Best of Matt the K
Mrs. Sarkozy greets a Paris morning sans wig and makeup.

Best of americanelephant
Manolo Blahniks? Check. Hibiscus Depands? Check. Raphael limbers up just before taking to the catwalk at Democrat Congressional Aide Fashion Week.

Best of Steve O
Hmmm. Something about this dude strikes me as a little bit gay.

Oh yeah -- he's a runner.

Best of Adriane
"I'm too sexy for this race ..."

Nubile Emo Youth on the Beach


1. "Aw, let me take him home. I promise I'll feed him and clean up after him," Army of Mom begged.

2. Studded leather outdoors before Labor Day? Major BDSM faux pas!

3. The Safe School Czar announces a new Watersports Safety Campaign.

4. As he packed up his minivan, the Safe School Czar couldn't help but think he had forgotten one of his beach toys.

5. Harry Topper and the Studded Leather Twink? Is nothing sacred to the pron industry?

Best of Matt the K
Ang Lee's 'Aquaman' summoned help by telepathing "Ohhh Yooooohooooo!" to his fellow seamen-- uh creatures.

Best of divine miss m
Johnny Weir's attempt to redesign the U.S. Navy SEAL uniform? EPIC FAIL!

Best of Submariner
Speaking of NOT being endowed by your Creator...

Best of Army of Mom
Salivating from across the beach, I caught a glimpse. *purring* Hurry, I thought, panting as I raced across the beach to find my new boy toy. Excitement turned to alarm when he looked up at me. Ahh, the eyes of innocence lined with black eyeliner. Ok, I shrugged, so he has some issues, we can fix that. Nice face, full pouty lips, nice arms, nubile chest free of hair and flat stomach. OMG!! Where is it? What did you do with it? AARGGHHH!!! Anxiety turned to panic as I raced to escape the boy with no penis.

Best of Vinney
Looks like the Key West Day Care Center had a field trip to the beach.

Best of Submariner
On a positive note, dub was impressed with her abs...

Best of sonicfrog
Twink zombies.... The most pathetic and useless thing in the world of zombiedom.

Best of molson
Looks like we have another wardrobe failure. Pretty bad one too.

Monday, July 05, 2010

Il Douchebag

K is P

1. "I gave up a golf fame for this. You crackers damn well better applaud for me!"

2. Bammy still grossly underestimates the size of Streisand's ass.

3. "On this Fourth of July, I just wanna say, American Flag, Bic Lighter, Burn, baby, Burn!"

4. M'Chel hated the flag ever since she realized horizontal stripes made her ass look as big as a Kansas wheat field.

5. "Workers of the World Unite! You have nothing to lose but your, um, chains!"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
See America, it's OK not to have flags behind you when giving a speech, as long as you are using one for a tablecloth.....

Best of mega
To Obama it was a gathering of subjects and supplicants, but to Michelle, they were just food.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Michelle's bored expression suggests Obamalama's claim to a schlong the size of a mature eel might be an exaggeration.

Best of curly
"Allah Bless Amerikkka!"

Best of GregMan
"I swear, Frank Marshall Davis' wang was this big!"

Best of Submariner
"If this represents your pay, then my national debt now stretches from here to the sun.
Of the Alpha Centari system.
And back.
Twice..."

Best of metalgarth
Go get us a watermelon... about yay big!
(ATDHE)

Best of dadoctah
"Every Fourth of July it's like clockwork. Gets a sixer of Bud into him and launches right into Volare."

Best of divine miss m
"Okay, which one of you clowns swiped my vuvuzela?"

Best of Vinney
"I swear it was this big and then I had to call a plumber."

Best of Army of Dad
♫ ♪ ♪ O---klahoma where typical white people cling to guns and religion..♫ ♪ ♪

Best of Submariner
ORA:
♪ I get no kicks from champagne...♪
♪ Ooh-ooh...♪

Best of dub
Please note the new American flag has only one star to represent the State Of Obama.

Redneck Hillbillies in Trouble

Steve O

1. NBC's miniseries about the Palin family was about what one would expect from the MSM.

2. Mike Huckabee's family is delighted to learn he's running again.

3. Ang Lee's remake of Saint Joan was where the caption meme really jumped the shark.

4. "Look, maw! Ah got wood!"

5. Desperate Housewives - Arkansas, was an odd choice for expanding the franchise.

Best of Matt the K
Gol Dang! Call the Fire Department-- Scooter done shat a pile o' wood!

Best of (red, white &) blue
If I get one of those stars & stripes bikinis, maybe Cletus will pay attention to me!

Best of Jack Reacher
"There it is again! It sounds like some kind of man-bear-pig, and it's askin' fer a massage."

Best of Adriane
Well, if yer ol'man hid the new Twilight DVD under his 'wood pile' and wanted you to 'chop some kindelin' before he gave it back ...
Well, durn tootin' you'd be a might angered too!!!

Best of molson
Just give them their guns back. Seriously, they're far less dangerous when they have something to cling to.

Best of mega
The Hee-Haw Reunion Special was a big success, but they really should've replaced the eye-candy girls with some new talent.

Best of Double the U
STOP! STOP! Take off those boots before you come in this house mister!

Best of metalgarth
CMT's video for "Light My Fire" left much to be desired.

Threadwinner GregMan
"Maw, pappy done looked at his 401K agin and sez he's gone set hisself on fire!"

Best of mpur
And that's when them Duke boys realized they was in a heap o' trouble.

Best of Submariner
Pa thinks that ol' wash tub's a frakkin' tambereen, an' you ain't gon' believe what he's playin' it with!

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hey y'all we're suin' Metamucil."

Saturday, July 03, 2010

AOM CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?



1. "Touch my cheeseburger again and you'll pull back a bloody stump."

2. "And then I said, 'Congressman Frank, the next time you drop a stack of papers and expect me to bend over and pick them up, I'll cut your nuts off.' He never bothered me again after that."

3. "Mr. Bieber prefers his tricks circumcised. This will only take a second."

4. "Ain't that just like a hairless twink, bringing a knife to a gun fight."

5. "I said no pickles. Dammit, mom, I'm gonna have to f--king kill you now!"

Best of jj
I saw those sluts on that other boat...they must be purified.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Have a nice weekend


1. "Flat chests detected! Increase to ramming speed!" ordered Captain Dub.

2. "Look at Hillary and Elena going at it over there. It's so gross when old people f--k."

3. "No, Al Gore, we're not going to help you release your Chakras."

4. "And what exactly is a Vice Admiral, Subby?"

5. "So, are you going to get to keep the boat, or will it go to Mrs. Gore in the divorce?"

Best of jeff
Hey, wow... do you think he sees that island in front of him?

Best of mega
The speedboat flew by at 60 m.p.h. All they could hear was a shriek, "You f'ing c*nts, you're gonna get gangr*ped by a wild pack of n**gers, you b*tches. F&#k You!" Then a Nazi flag went up over the engine. Finally, it all became clear when intestines came spilling out from the cabin.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Why do modern American customs ruin everything? Remember when the Ganges was a nice quiet river, where putrifying bodies, defecating locals and bathing pilgrims with festering sores co-existed in harmony?

Da Da Da Da Da-Da Da Da-Da




1. I had no idea Dick Cheney was Catholic.

2. Father Flannigan just hoped the Mass would finish quickly so he could get back to his Monroe shock absorber.

3. Andrew gets his fetish theme parties mixed up and hopes no one notices.

4. Showing up at the funeral for all the younglings was a ballsy move on Vader's part.

5. The tail end of the gay pride parade was reserved for the least outrageous costumes.

Best of Matt the K
ORA: "Cardinal Vader, YOU read the charges"

Best of Paul
Peace be with you...
Peace be with you...
Force be with you...
Peace be with you...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
OK, did you hear this one? - Several priests and Darth Vadar walk into a bar...

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Man, this line stretches forever...you still got the Jesus Juice back there, Darth?"

Best of dadoctah
"Jeez, we're not going to Taco Bell for lunch *again*, are we?"

Best of dub
Mind control, extortion, the pursuit of power.....Vader felt like an amateur.