Praying to the Thriller?

Sondrak K


1. SRSLY, Japan. What the hell?

2. "And as soon as someone brings the Jesus Juice, we'll begin the Communion Service."

3. You think this is weird? You should see the Gary Coleman shrine.

4. I understand their confusion, skinny, effeminate, half-white/half-black men are frequently mistaken for messianic figures.

5. Little known fact: Michael Jackson was a pack-a-day smoker. Of course, it was a cub scout pack, but nevertheless...

Best of Submariner
It really gets creepy when the animatronics King of Pop starts singing "Beat It," and does...

Assistant Threadwinner: Chronos the Wonder Pig
Japanese kid:"you can make fun of us all you want,but at least we don't pray to Obama!"

Best of Army of Dad
Oddly enough this one has less plastic than the "real" one.

Threadwinner: Best of Jack Reacher
"It's true; no matter where you stand, his crotch seems to follow you."

Best of mega
Michael Jackson addressed the class. "Now, pretend you're the President meeting the head of China and you need some more money to pay for your new social programs."

Best of blue
Blessed Saint Micheal, we beseech you - send the wiener mobile to visit us!!

Best of dadoctah
And through it all, a lone voice was heard to utter softly the same question that had been asked for a quarter of a century: "What the hell was Adam Ant doing on the Motown 25th Anniversary Special?"

Heavy Rain

Jule the Jarhead

1. All charges would be dismissed after dub blamed "Sudden Acceleration Syndrome" for the mishap.

2. All charges would be dismissed after dub claimed he was unable to avoid the collision after being sucked into her event horizon.

3. All charges would be dismissed after dub claimed he tried to swerve to avoid her but ran out of gas.

4. All charges would be dismissed after dub invoked the "What happens at Avalon Manor stays at Avalon Manor" defense.

5. "Dub, don't hit her! She's on her way to sing over the Obama presidency."

Best of Vinney
On the next Ghost Hunters, Jason and Grant investigate really full body apparitions at a local Jenny Craig.

Best of dub
Has M'chelle lost weight?

Threadwinner: Army of Dad
Buffalo Bill eyes his next victim.

Best of Army of Dad
Wow, Kirstie Alley has really lost weight!

Best of Jack Reacher
Her family brings her to the self-serve car wash because it's faster, and doesn't stress the tub at home.

Best of Steve O
Ojects may be larger than they appear.

Actually, strike that.

Best of Submariner
al'Gore smirked; "I'd hit that..."
Bubba giggled; "I already did!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
You know you're obese #829: When you have to take the detour because of a weight limit sign on the Main Street overpass.

Best of Matt the K
Kelly LeBrock reeeeeaaaallly let herself go.

Best of dadoctah
Golden oldie: Aiieee! Gojira!!!

Absorb Your Shock

Broken

1. "Next time I'll go easier on you," Army of Mom promised with a wink.

2. The SEIU strongly expressed their disapproval of Ricky's "Free Samples" stand.

3. Nathan regrets cutting off Michael Moore at the All-you-can-eat buffet.

4. "I went to the ObamaCare Clinic for a skull fracture and they said it would be cheaper to treat me for four broken limbs."

5. When Gay Pron Star "Johnny Schlong" tried to escape the basement of his "Number One Fan," Barney Frank went all Misery on him.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Hey, what's with the banjo music? Guys? Guys? Okay, this isn't funny..."

Best of Matt the K
Spotting her disabled prey from high above, Army of Mom swoops in for the kill.

Best of sonicfrog
"Next time I'll go easier on you," Army of Mom promised to the twink.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
OK Uncle Frank, hit that shock absorber with the air hose again!

Best of robert
You put your right foot in / You put your right foot out / You put your right foot in / And you shake it all about. / You do the Hokey Pokey / And you turn yourself around... and then it got weird.

Best of prince of leaves
"Brokelimb Crawlspace", Ang Lee's acclaimed sequel to "Brokeback Mountain", earned the director six Oscars and three consecutive life terms.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Since he was already plaster cast in the right position and on Extra Strength Vicodin, Fred's frat brothers ignored his weak protests and decided he could go skydiving again.

Best of mega
"Let's take a vacation this summer, she says. Let's go to Toronto cause the people are so friendly, she says."

Best of JohnS1959
In retrospect Bobby realized he probably shouldn't have asked the team of BP scientists and engineers to help him with his bad hair day.

Best of Adriane
"Just a flesh wound ... "

Weiner Bang

paul

1. Reparative Therapy for Lesbians focuses on overcoming phallophobia.

2. Chaz Bono takes it to the next logical step.

3. Now that they understood Linda's strange fetish, the reason for her children's names --- Oscar and Jimmy Dean --- was suddenly clear.

4. It's a good thing the National Enquirer didn't get wind of Al Gore's real fetish.

5. "Next time, I'll be the American Economy and you be the Kenyan Marxist."

Best of Vinney
You should have seen Betty with the Oscar Meyer WeinerMobile. They couldn't even find it using Lo Jack.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Aesop's Fable: Be Careful What You Wish For
Elroy stumbled across 3 cute wiccans in a forest glade. He wished he sported an oversized weiner so's to impress them. Now he spends his time wishing he'd been a bit more specific. The End

Threadwinner Jack Reacher
"My baloney has a first name, it's Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh...!"

Best of Dr. Doom
The latent sexuality of 60's advertising comes full circle in the new millennium.

Best of Matt the K
Nathan proves to Melanie that he is indeed Kosher.

Best of Army of Dad
She should have made him use a condiment.

Best of dadoctah
Yeah, yeah, she really seems to relish this. He plumps when they get cookin'. Doin' it Wisconsin style. What is this, eighth grade?

Best of mega
Even Samantha could see that Carrie needed to tone it down a notch after turning 55.

Best of blue
"Yes it's true" she exclaimed, "he does plump when he is cooking!"

On the Beach with Charlie Tuna

1. "She'd be a lot sexier if she had, like, eyes and stuff."

2. Even though he supported Obama's job-killing moratorium, Crist couldn't help thinking "Drill, Baby, Drill" as he walked the beach.

3. Despite his resemblance to Leslie Neilson, Crist completely failed to get any response to his "Nice beaver" line.

4. Marco Rubio or a dingus who walks on a sandy beach in Gucci loafers. Floriduh, the choice is yours.

5. "Well, I appreciate the offer, young lady, but by now you must know that I only kiss Obama's ass!"

Best of Vinney
A drunken Charlie Crist snidely remarked, "Hey honey, let me show you my plan to plug the damn hole."

Best of Jack Reacher
"That reminds me; pick up a couple of firm, ripe melons at Publix."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
It's gotta be tar balls, 'cause oil sheen doesn't shake that way!

Best of Vinney
"You're nothing but a f&*kin' whore"!
"Watch your language young lady."

Best of Army of Dad
"...and from now on I want to be known as Gov. Thursday!"

Best of Steve O
Leslie Neilson's latest movie isn't any funnier, but IS better.

Best of dub
Junk Shot...Money Shot...whatever...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"That thong... I must have it!"

Let Me Be Frank with you

Many, many monors.

1 "So anyway, this nubile youth was handing out free samples or something and so I asked him how he'd like to be the Vice President of Fannie Mae..."

2. "Did you ever get turned on when those nubile rednecks on Hee Haw used to hike up their trousers and dance like this?"

3. "Does this mall have the best glory holes in the DC area or what?"

4. "Robert Byrd? What are you doing here? And why are you telling me to walk toward the light?"

5. "What do you mean I'm a day early?"

Best of dadoctah
Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer have really let themselves go.

Best of Jack Reacher
"It's like a samurai sword, Chris; If I pull it out, I have to use it."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I'm just saying, that Tony Hayward sure has a purty mouth."

Best of GregMan
Bawney: "Ahhh, nothing feels better than taking a good, steaming dump on the U.S. Constitution!"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Damn, Chris, you give great head."

Best of Army of Dad
Congressman Frank tries to channel his inner gangsta while tell Senator Dodd "Sometimes you just gotta choke a twink!"

A Nubile Youth with Free Samples

1. AoM bats her eyebrows. "Why don't you try some of *my* free samples."

2. "You can keep your free samples and your hideous belly roll," huffed dub's gay uncle.

3. California's "Medicinal" Marijuana clinics are really getting competitive.

4. "It'th jutht banana bread," Barney Frank huffed. "I'm gonna regulate their thitty little thtand out of exithtence for falthe advertithing!"

5. Ricky was about to learn an important lesson about why you never make jerk off motions next to a "Free Samples" sign on Fire Island.

Best of sonicfrog
Before Tatooine! Luke Skywalker... The Early Years!!!

Best of Steve O
Go ahead and make fun of him. I'll bet $100 he's able to pick up more skanks than ANY of you.

Best of Tim
Julia's banana bread, approved by hunchbacks everywhere!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Attention Dads... need something to worry about? This is a future son-in-law for someone's daughter.

Best of Dactyl
Who loves free samples and is a total douche? THIS GUY!

Threadwinner: mega
"Dude, check it! Been practicing this bow for four hours! Cool, huh? I'm going to be president someday! It's all about learning the skills."

Best of Jack Reacher
ORA: It's always a good time browsing through the Lebowski family photo album.

Even Clones Need Release

Brender


1. This is not the wide stance you're looking for.

2. "Lord Vader, you've been in there an awful long time. Scar tissue getting in the way again?"

3. Given the typical targeting precision of a storm trooper, there's gonna be a heckuva mess around the urinal in about a minute.

4. TK 1421 rushes away from the Taco Bell to dump the "thermal detonator" raging in his bowels.

5. "Be right back, I gotta take care of a little Count Dookie."

Rub a Dub Dub

Silhouette

1. "Agreed, any woman whose weight must be expressed in three digits is morbidly obese." Rub a dub dub, four dubs in tubs.

2. Lentils, the other musical fruit.

3. "It is an honor being invited to a state dinner at the White House, but why does M'Chel keep slicing carrots and potatoes into our tubs?"

4. "So, why do westerners have both bathtubs and toilets? It seems ... redundant."

5. "I tell you, if that Sullivan guy doesn't shut up about Sarah Palin's uterus, he's going to be banned from our bath house."

Best of JohnS1959
"4000 quatloos on the one in the blue garment", shouted the Secretary of State.

Best of GregMan
Microsoft programmers celebrate the release of Windows 7.

Best of GregMan
The new Calcutta Water Park was not as exciting as some had hoped.

Best of Adriane
Iron Tub Chef was the favorite cooking contest show in all Punjab ...

Best of Matt the K
"We now return to Bangladeshi Rules 4-Square on ESPN 27."

Best of dadoctah
I'm sorry, but I just don't get these trendy "concept" restaurants.

Best 13th Birthday Ever!

Best of dub
Early inspiration for a young Al Gore.

Best of Submariner
Boy's thawt bubble; "AoM gives the BESTEST presents..."

Best of Vinney
Do you think proms are getting too casual?

Threadwinner: Matt the K
The Make-a-Wish Foundation's rules are flexible indeed.

Best of Unscrupulous
8.8.2003 - You can almost see the light bulb over Joran Vandersloots's head as he embarks on his serial crime spree.

Best of divine miss m
So that's what happened to the outfit I wore backstage at KISS in 1989.

Best of Matt the K
JimBob poses with his Aunt Mom after receiving a Full-size Pewter Camera Medal for winning Best Pornographic Home Video 2003 at the 2010 West Virginia Special Olympics Film Festival.

Prom Night in Massachusetts

Big Uns

Chronos the Wonder Pig

Slurpy

Chronos the Wonder Pig

1. Bernice's lemonade business actually boomed during the Gulf Coast cleanup.

2. Country Tyme's marketing has gotten decidedly aggressive.

3. Andrew Sullivan tried to compete with a similarly-inspired "hand-soap dispenser" but found few takers.

4. "No, I'm not a metaphor for the welfare state; I haven't been sucked dry yet."

5. Worst case of post-partum depression EVAH!

Best of Vinney
The man's a genius. Where does Ron Popeil come up with these ideas?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
When Shelly told hubby Ted she'd volunteered to bring 2 jugs of lemonade to the tailgate party, he nodded absentmindedly and said, "Sounds fine." Ted's stopped reading the paper at breakfast.

Best of mega
Democrats ban bottled water. Unintended but acceptable consequences.

Best of Jack Reacher
Janice tells people her son was breast-fed. She doesn't tell them that he still is, 23 years later.

Best of Dactyl
When your gender-reassignment surgeon is Salvador Dali...

Threadwinner: prince of leaves
When life gives you melons, make melonade.

Best of Matt the K
Well, I prefer Hi-C but I spose Hi-D will work in a pinch.

Best of Adriane
Sadly, Obamacare made short work of the Society for Cosmetic Surgery's annual Most Imaginative Use of Silicon Award ...

Best of molson
They aren't real, but they're full of liquor so it's all good.

Best of Submariner
I really like the way my doctor ensures I get at least two daily servings of citrus to ward away the rickets.

Best of Steve O
Frank feels like he's made a connection, and wonders if he should ask her out.

Arrgh! My Eyes! The Goggles, They Do Nothing!

Brender


1. Sullivan watched the Prvincetown 4th of July parade go by, muttering "plugged that hole... plugged that hole... coulda plugged that hole... plugged that hole."

2. That reminds me, I gotta pick up some cottage cheese on the way home.

3. Ultimately, its commitment to a diverse workforce was what did in 'Baskets' as a competitor to 'Hooters.'

4. On his way to the White House, General McChrystal occupied his time by imagining things that would be more humiliating than a dressing down from a dipsh-t community organizer.

5. "First of all, Ang Lee, it's way too soon for a V for Vendetta remake. Second of all..."

Best of Capt. Queeg
TOPHAT AND TAILS
UR DOIN IT RONG

Best of GregMan
The Obamessiah's oil spill expert commission goes out in the Gulf for another afternoon of hole-plugging.

Best of Adriane
The real reason that cameras at the Royal Ascot Horse Race are allowed only at the East Entrance ...

Best of Double the U
The Naked Cowboy/Cowgirl franchise never caught on. The Naked Chimney Sweeps did remarkably well.

Best of Submariner
Bad News: There is still no Gulf Coast tourism to be seen.
Good News: It's no longer because of the oil spill.

Best of JohnS1959
Unfortunately, the shipper confused the orders and sent the Victoria's Secret shipment to the Moose Lodge by mistake. The annual belly flop competition went down hill from there...

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
If this isn't one of the signs of the approaching apocalypse...it should be.
The verification word is "fabobkis." I have seen Fabobkis and this is not fabobkis.

Best of Dactyl
The made-for-TV version of Lovecraft's "Shadow Over Innsmouth" had a pretty small special effects budget, but they managed to make it scary anyway.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Screw you, we work for Mel Brooks."

Best of Submariner
I'm not sure who they are, but I'm fairly certain that short one in the middle of the next to last row is the Secretary of State.

Best of Matt the K
After a day of cavorting with the chorus boys of 'Mary Poppins', Dick Van Dyke swore off the booze for good!

Best of molson
Don't ask a string to do the work of a 10'x20' tarp.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Subby says - I'm fairly certain that short one in the middle of the next to last row is the Secretary of State.
Vegas bookies have it being that mouthy maryland medicine ball, Barbara Mikulski.

Best of mega
The Financial Reform Bill left a lot of Wall Street bigwigs without the shirt on their back, but still in posession of their tophats. The overall effect was, actually, fairly surreal.

You Want Flies With That?

1. As Obama yammered on and on about the success of his economic policy, more and more flies gathered.

2. And if they could step into a teleportation pod together, we might get a semi-competent president out of the deal.

3. ORA: "Hey, it's a bad business. Just like I told that Simon kid."

4. "Welcome to the White House, General McChrystal. Now, stand still while I consume your soul."

5. ORA: "I am Torgo. I take care of the place while the Master is away."

Best of Steve O
Your contributions of just $11 billion a day can make a difference in the life of a child like this...

Best of Submariner
My 11 cents a day to Kenya resulted in that? How the hell do I get a refund?

Best of dub
Aaron Neville still creeps me out.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Let me be clear. From this day forward, the phrase 'ain't no flies on me' will no longer be heard in the White House."

Best of JohnS1959
"Now tell them about our plan to increase the estate tax", whispered the newest member of the President's economic team.

Best of curly
Axelrod: "I warned him not to eat M'chelle's snatch before he went to the press conference."

Best of Silhouette
But I don't know why he swallowed the fly.
Perhaps he'll lie.

Best of Dactyl
Fly thoughtbubble: "you remember the fly you killed on CNBC? That was my brother, you sonofabitch, and now you're gonna pay..."

Best of Vinney
What's the big deal? Barney Frank has someone's fly on his mouth everyday.

Girl Talk

Brender


1. OMG! So *that's* what they look like on white guys!

2. "And then he says, 'I want to know whose ass to kick.' Dayum, what an idiot."

3. "All right! Penthouse printed my letter!"

4. "Go on, Kaneesha. Read the part where David Brooks says he could tell Obama would be a great president by looking at the crease in pants."

5. ORA: "Dayum, that guy's dad says some funny sh*t!"

Best of Submariner
Dayum; M'chel even wore drapes to her prom!

Best of metalgarth
"that's the stuff they sell at Old Navy?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Tyrone doesn't know it but he's about to have his wrist gnawed off by a closet cannibal.

Best of JohnS1959
If you thought the AIDS pamphlet was funny, just wait until you see the Ebola pamphlet.

Best of Jack Reacher
Any house in Detroit advertised for sale at more than $20,000 drew universal derision.

Threadwinner: Capt. Queeg
'The Best of Dawn' comes out in paperback.

How Queer This Is?

Van Helsing

1. Years later, Joey reflected on how it all began with a simple request to visit the cockpit.

2. GM Executives prepare to approach Barney Frank for another bailout.

3. Another grim image of America's future under Cap-&-Trade and perpetual drilling moratoriums.

4. Ang Lee should not have been allowed to re-imagine Knight Rider.

5. Lindsay Lohan's homosexual fan base came in very handy when her license was finally revoked.

Best of JohnS1959
The President's oil spill team prepares to transport BP executives to the White House for their ass kicking...

Best of Rodney Dill
"Crying?... There's no crying in chariot races..."

Best of JohnS1959
The Safe Schools Czar arrives at the NEA Convention...

Best of Double the U
Bet you will read the health care bill more carefully next time senator?

Best of Matt the K
Sir Roger Moore, Sir Richard Branson and Duchess Fergie always make a splash when they travel together.

Best of Army of Dad
"What's in your wallet?"

Best of Submariner
She's not using the whip, d@mmit!

Best of sonicfrog
John Perez, the gay California Assembly Speaker, along with his life partner of two months, demonstrates the best and most promising transportation a Green California has to offer.

Best of Vinney
In a marketing effort to attract more gay beer drinkers, Budweiser replaced the Clydesdales.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Rush Limbaugh and Gen. Stanley McChrystal were both surprised when Obamalama had them gelded and "disappeared" under the newly reinterpreted Patriot Act, now with a gag rule against mockery of incompetent Presidents and VP's.

Best of Steve O
When journalism majors enter the workforce, they sometimes have to take temporary jobs for an extended period of time.

Best of Dactyl
You know what I hate? People who text while they're driving.

Eye to Eye

1. "Who the f--k do you think I am, Congressman Etheridge?"

2. "Barney Frank thought they were 'Pert and Saucy.' What do you think of my buttocks?"

3. "Careful, babe, or someone's going to drown in those eyes of yours."

4. "Do all old honkies get long nose hairs?"

5. ORA: "Vision? What do you know about my vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions, and send the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you. Now ask yourself, Are you ready to see that vision?"

Best of dub
Ok seriously... R Kelly Jr., please stop humping the table.

Best of Vinney
Grief counselors are dispatched to the Gary Coleman Fan Club.

Best of dadoctah
"Yes, you'll do nicely. Now if you'll just come with me, Ms Jolie is waiting...."

Best of mega
In Rambo IV, Stallone goes undercover at an African baby mill rumored to be producing hundeds of future American presidents.

Best of Matt the K
Tell me more about the 'bad' touches.

Threadwinner: molson
Grab my arm and I will whip your ass in front of this little white boy right here.

Obama Sucks

Sondra K

1. "Hillary did *what* in my Shamrock Shake?"

2. "Oh, there's Mayor McCheese! Excuse me, I've got some bowin' to do."

3. "The new McChelle Shake features the bitter aftertaste of long-held grievances."

4. "Nah, I'm lactose intolerant. This whole damn thing is filled with special sauce."

5. "See, if you're the president and you ask for an arugula shake... they'll make it for you."

Best of The Watcher
I wonder if his ears flap when he does that.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Wapner in ten minutes... definitely."

Best of Vinney
"I'm sorry Mr. Obama, we looked at your resume and you are only qualified to work the Shake Machine."

Best of Unscrupulous
Gee wiz. It look like a doodle painted on that bridge. Ohh Ohhhhhhhhhhh. I get it! hehe.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Rahm! Rahm! Get in here! I just had an idea about how to suck up the oil!"

Best of JohnS1959
The President demonstrates his skill at sucking things dry...

Best of GregMan
M'chelle (of camera): "Don't blow through the straw, you idiot, suck on it! Pretend it's Frank Marshall Davis!"

Erect Bridge Free For All

Racerboy


Best of Julie the Jarhead
"So, all the cars are all the little sperm, waiting to swim towards the egg."
Richard Petty's variation of 'the birds and the bees' wasn't much of a hit except in NASCAR country.

Best of dadoctah
I can't be sure, but I *think* it's promoting a Justin Bieber concert.

Best of jj
Where's the tunnel this is going into?

Threadwinner: molson
Batman had a special signal for Robin.

Best of dub
We get it...the black ones are bigger. Stop gloating already.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
If drawspan suffers from an erection that lasts more than 4 hours, seek immediate medical attention.

Best of americanelephant
Later that same day, Andrew Sullivan burst into City Hall demanding the right to marry the span of his dreams.

Best of Rodney Dill
Now with washboard surface for her pleasure.

Best of Unscrupulous
In the rare case an erection lasts for more than four hours, seek an alternate route!

Best of Oiao
The new Bill Clinton memorial bridge.

Best of Adriane
Quietly but deliberately, men got out of their cars, grabbed an available socket wrench, and began beating their neighboring motorists into submission.
Survivors recall hearing thus spake zarathustra playing somewhere in the background.

Wee Wee Wee Wee All the way home.

1. This little piggy found a hooker.

2. Arnold loved it when Doreen started tripping out and "playing him" like a set of bagpipes.

3. Doreen thought she'd never get over her break-up with Rosie O, but she found something close enough. Close enough.

4. You can always spot a tranny by the man hands. Dead giveaway.

5. These Bjork videos just get weirder and weirder.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Yes, Wilbur, I promise I'll get a matching tatoo. Can we cuddle now?"

Best of mega
Charles Johnson: "See? No pig has a purple tattoo. It's a doctored photo! I'm BACK!!!! I"M BACK!!!!!!!"

Best of Eric
Gomers dreams had finaly come true, he had his pig AND a poke.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Wow, kd lang has really let herself go.

Best of dadoctah
Some took the death of Jimmy Dean harder than others.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Catholic teens who pass the 3-day "Care for the Raw Egg" commitment test and still want to be unwed mothers are advanced to the "Care for a Dead Pig for a Month" exercise. Pregnancies have fallen by 50%, albeit because the fetid stench has a hang time of over a year.

Best of Homer Blue
"Spider Pig, Spider Pig, does whatever a Sider Pig Does"

Best of sonicfrog
Huh, when did K D Lange start dating Rosie O'Donnell?

Best of Rodney Dill
It rubs the lotion on its skin, or it gets pork rinds again.

Best of GregMan
The Ang Lee-directed big screen version of "Green Acres" was about what everyone expected.

Best of Adriane
On the internet, no one knows you're a pig ... unless you put you and your gf's picture on Facebook...

Stick your hand in the beaver

N.O'Really?

1. "Hey, Kids! I'm Twinky! The Submissive Beaver Bottom! Today, Me and My friend the Safe Schools Czar are going to teach you all about fisting!"

2. "And this is what I do to stinkin' Beaver Jews!" Mel Gibson exclaimed.

3. "And then Obama did this to the CEO of BP," Joe Barton still fails to arouse anyone's sympathy.

4. And here is an example of a photo not to use on your Match-dot-com ad.

5. As ObamaCare became more and more costly, the quality of amputee prosthetics diminished considerably.

Best of Rodney Dill
I'm alright
Don't nobody worry 'bout me
You got to gimme a fight
Why don't you just let me be

Best of dub
In Richard Gere's house, small rodent fists you.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
IMDB Lethal Weapon 17- With Murtaugh dead of laxative abuse, Lorna now gay and living in San Francisco, Leo's parts strewn across 3 states after he ticked off a biker gang... at 68, Riggs must partner with a handpuppet to infiltrate a yamaka factory suspected of using nonKosher beaver pelts.
SPOILER: Warehouse is boobytrapped with exploding dreidels!
GOOF: Beavers can't really speak Hebrew
QUOTE: "Sorry Rabbi, the beaver dared me to say that."

Best of prince of leaves
But "Castor" would be Gibson's final and most bizarre vanity pic yet, with a cast of cheaply-made animatronic beavers and a subtitled script written entirely in chirps, grunts, and whistles.

Best of Double the U
"IT IS THE BEAVER SCREAMING ABOUT THE DAMN JEWS, not me!" Mel Gibson gets himself in more trouble.

Best of Matt the K
Mad Max Beyond Muppetdome

Best of mega
"Hi, I'm Mel"
"And I'm Twinkie!"
(in unison): "The Jews killed Jesus!"

Best of Jack Reacher
In the list of suspects who might have crashed Charlie Sheen's car (This time), Mel Gibson ranked somewhat higher than a beaver puppet.

Best of dadoctah
Uh, Mel, I'm pretty sure that's *not* What Women Want.

Best of Adjustah
"Sorry, Mel, but I *think* it's pronounced, "Bieber'..."

Best of Rodney Dill
...and then Statler and Waldorf's heads exploded.

A Vivid Riot of Red

1. And then the sun came out and the ginger horde mobbed the sunblock booth.

2. If Federico Fellini had been Irish...

3. Wow, Carrot Top really gets around.

4. Wow, those Weasley brothers really get around.

5. After Twilight VII: Rise of the Gingers, even the most die-hard fan had to admit the franchise had jumped the shark.

Best of Chevy Rose
The audition for dancers of the next "Riverdance" will take a mighty long time.

Best of Adriane
Not a Mary Ann in sight ...

Best of mega
The tone-deafness continued as Obama addressed the crowd with his major new policy address, "The Need For Comprehensive Reform To Take The Wealth From Redheads And Give It To Blondes And Brunettes".

Best of blue
Descendants of Eric the Red gather at Columbus Circle to demand a name change.

Best of dadoctah
There are clearly some troubling issues with membership in the Chinese-American Students' Association.

Best of dub
Finally, a picture of what you CAN do with a Prius....attract swarms of really unattractive people.

Best of Vinney
Even without Lindsay Lohan as the guest speaker, the first annual Fire Crotch Convention was the hottest ticket in town, if you know what I mean.

Best of Silhouette
This "large family" TV show craze finally got out of hand.

Best of Matt the K
And thus, by ducking into the parade, Conan made good his escape.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
As the angry crowd gathers to protest Clairol's belated recall of defective* "Platinum Radiance" hair dye, execs contact Toyota and BP for help with what will undoubtedly be a costly PR campaign. *[made in China, reportedly from iron filings, radioactive cadmium pigments and chewing tobacco spit]

Best of Matt the K
Ronald McDonald's Wet Dream

From Blondie For Thursday

TTFN

In repose

Greetings From Fart Beach

jeff

1. The public lacks confidence in Obama's clean-up promises.

2. She's not even on the Gulf Coast, she's just downwind from Rosie O'Donnell.

3. "No, Jeannie, your face is fine. It's your belly roll dub doesn't want to look at."

4. "Nah, the beach is fine. I was just listening to Obama's speech from last night. Whew, was that a stinker!"

5. Rejected Lost ending No. 32.

Best of Vinney
Grace was a bit of a drama queen when it came to the smell of her own queefs.

Best of Silhouette
Imperial Storm Troopers need vacations too.


Best of Jack Reacher
Sharon was enjoying the beach until an older man in a suit with a flag pin tried to pull of her gas mask as he yelled "Who are you? Who are you?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Jenny Craig's House of Recidivistic Gluttony should have known things weren't going well when paid spokespiggy Kirstie Alley began asking for compensation in the form of aerosolized Twinkies.

Best of Rodney Dill
Bertha Vader enjoying the Tattooine beach.

Best of Submariner
You read the article about the exploding whale before heading to the beach, huh?

Best of GregMan
Mary never did make the connection between the smell of rotting meat and all the food particles that got stuck in the folds of her fat rolls.

Best of JohnS1959
Oil Spill? No - it is the unbearable stench of failure she can't stand...

Best of metalgarth
I'm not sure I understand what Lady Gaga is going for anymore

Qui a nous, ici?

1. "Something has the grasp of me, but I can't think of the word for it."

2. Don't fret it, folks. Keanu always needs a few hours to recover after hearing Kenny Rogers croon "Lady."

3. "Here I sit all broken-hearted. I should never have trusted that fart."

4. How come I didn't get invited to Limbaugh's wedding?

5. "But what if it doesn't happen to all men sometime?"

Best of GregMan
"Aw, man, Al Gore got to Laurie David before I did."

Best of GregMan
*Sigh*. My caps never make the "Best Of's."

Best of Submariner
Army of Mom said I wasn't man enough for her...

Best of Capt. Queeg
"..then she tells I'm lousy at Kung-Fu, but didn't want to say anything. Man, I sure could use a Reassuring Gaze right about now."

Best of Silhouette
I had an idea for a centrifuge too. But I didn't do anything with it because I thought, hey, I'm just an actor. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Best of dub
Sullivans search for Keanu's Fake Cock lead to even more disappointment.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Go on, happy pigeon, go on. You cannot possibly fathom my ennui.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Let me be clear. I take full responsibility for ensuring that the pigeons pick up every seed on the ground. I will keep my foot on their necks. The buck stops with me."

Best of Jay Guevara
"But...but...he seemed so... clean, so... articulate..."

Best of Matt the K
Keanu reminisces with the paper bags he could not act his way out of.... there, fixed it.

The Beer Boy

Brender


1. Bruce practices for his date with Team Vodaphone.

2. "Amateur," sniffed Sully as he deep-throated a pair of 40 oz malt liquors.

3. It's always awkward to run into one of your kid's teachers outside of school.

4. He's just one stumble away from a bottle in front of me AND a frontal lobotomy.

5. Patrick Kennedy enjoys the White House World Cup party.

Best of Vinney
Lately, White House Beer Summits seem to be losing their purpose.

Best of JohnS1959
Steve always knew that his experience as Congressman Frank's page would come in handy some day.

Best of Jack Reacher
Remaining on Mom and Dad's health insurance to age 26 is a bonus when your liver fails at 24.

Best of dadoctah
Red Bull gives you wiings.
And on a good day, erect nipples.

Best of Double the U
He is an idiot, what fool drinks budwiser?

Best of molson
At least this one is wearing pants.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Instinctively turns to look when he hears someone yell, "Hey Retard!"

Best of Spin
Prince Charles is sent for brews while at the World Cup

Best of mega
As a young man, Congressman Etheridge enjoyed going to sporting events.

I Was Made For Dancin' All All All All Night Long

1. Obama's top aides take a break from the water pistol fights and shirtless beer pong to find yet another way to ignore the oil spill.

2. Gay tailgate parties: Another reason real men just don't dig the World Cup.

3. Bruce and Lance eschewed traditional wedding gowns; they were way beyond wearing white anyway.

4. The Marines were not happy when their dress uniforms were redesigned after Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed. Well, most Marines weren't happy...

5. "Hey kids! We're from Greentastic! We're here to tell you why Going Green is awesome!" Stimulus-funded school Green Campaigns were a major factor in creating a generation of kids completely hostile to environmentalism.

Best of Double the U
Van der Sloot was photographed in Brazil before being arrested.

Best of Silhouette
Here's what you missed on Glee

Best of sonicfrog
... And you wonder why New York tried to ban "teh gays" from the St Patty's Day Parade.

Best of Jay Guevara
Come back, John Wayne. All is forgiven.

Best of Vinney
You don't want to get caught in this maelstrom as gay gangs openly flash their colors at Key West High.

Best of dub
Ricky would like to remind you that June is Prostate Exam Month.

Threadwinner: molson
This is my finger. This is my bum. One is for scratching. One is for fun.

Assistant Threadwinner: Matt the K
Green Bay blah blah blah fudge packers blah.

Best of Adriane
Upset at being passed over for Ironman and Thor, Ang Lee adds his special touch to The Green Lantern ...

Best of Submariner
The "Hook 'Em Horns" signal is made differetly on Fire Island. It has a different connotation as well.

Best of Dactyl
Looks like Andrew Sullivan will be rooting for the Brazilian team in the World Cup this year.

Best of Submariner
Why don't YOU come after me Lucky Charms?

Unprecedented Walkies

1. "Let's see, walk the dog, make a sandwich, schmooze with McCartney, play some golf. Seems like there's something else I need to do ... Meh, it couldn't be that important."

2. "And if you plop on the lawn, I will kick your ass!"

3. Meanwhile, Hillary hid in the bushes and prepared to toss a raw pork chop into heavy traffic when they passed.

4. "What's that, Bo? I need to kill all the shores?" Misunderstanding Son of Sam's instructions, Obama promptly ordered the sabotage of the Deepwater Horizon.

5. "Look at this dog's butt. All nappy, tangled, smelly . . kinda reminds me of M'Chel first thing in the morning."

Best of Silhouette
Things have gone much smoother since Rahm bought Obama a 'finding doors instead of windows' dog.

Best of metalgarth
Carl's career as a dog walker was just as successful as Homer's career as a nuclear technician.

Threadwinner: Rodney Dill
"Stay... dammit stay... I haven't bowed to you yet."

Best of divine miss m
How authoritative can any guy feel when he's looking at a dog's rectum?

Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner: Submariner
That's it, Bo; sniff out that income that hasn't been taxed yet. Got the scent? Go get 'em, Bo!

Best of Spin
O'tay Petey, we'll check down at da watermelon patch.
ATDHE

Best of JohnS1959
"Don't worry Bo", called the President, "I'm sure the old people haven't eaten all the Alpo yet".

Best of molson
Why don't you do something useful and c'mon over here and watch me bend one out.

Best of Adriane
"Jaaaaaane! Get me off this crazy thing!"

Best of Eric
Bitch, quit leading me to the right, you know I won't go there.

Love You Long Time

Sondra K

1. "Two dozen Hong Kong transvestite hookers should make me forget about tipper."

2. "You guys butchered a Tibetan dissident in my honor? Why thank you!"

3. Al Gore was disappointed to discover that Panda Express did not serve actual panda meat.

4. Al Gore pauses to pose under the Chinese characters for 'Big Wiener.'

5. An hour had gone by since Al Gore gave his speech and darned if he didn't feel like bloviating again.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"I am just standing here waiting for some college student to ask me if I support Obama's policies...just waiting!!

Best of Submariner
Bitter? What do I have to be bitter about? That imbecile, illiterate Eli stealing MY Presidency from me and ruining my marriage to the only woman that will have me? No, I'm not in the least bitter.

Best of Submariner
Communist thought bubbles look different than American ones!

Best of Rodney Dill
This is not the droid you are looking for.

Best of Jay Guevara
Thought bubble: "How come all the Chinese guys doubled up laughing when the logo was revealed?"

Best of Steve O
Low on Carbon. High on Methane.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Funny, me and Tipp grow apart, but Bill couldn't scrape that carbuncle-like barnacle he married off if he dipped his ass in acid and used a bulldozer.

Best of molson
I wonder what my next scam will be?

Best of GregMan
Al Gore's "O-face" was about what Laurie David expected.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Tipper? I don't even know her."

Best of Jay Guevara
Thought bubble: "Boy, are these guys inscrutable."

Holsteins and a Soldier

1. Coming from farm country where entertainment options were limited, Private Brody thought nothing was more hilarious than letting cows lick crystal meth off her hands.

2. "Guess what, you ladies are going to be the 'guests of honor' at the company barbecue." Click

3. "... And under Obamunism, the Government takes your cow to a petting zoo and gives you an unemployment check."

4. "Maggie, Bessie... you're safe now. The National Guard has secured Enumclaw."

5. "I suppose you girls are wondering why we brought you the Mutant Piranha Experimentation Laboratory..."

Best of Double the U
Wow, Rosie O'Donnell and Rosanne are doing a USO tour?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Hey, Sarge! I thought these discount nightvision goggles the Army bought from Toys R Us would be crappy but I can see this enemy combatant on his knees begging for his life as clear as day!

Best of Submariner
heh heh
Billy Joe picked the ugly one...

Best of mega
The new nanny-state rules for petting zoos required onerous protective clothing and safety gear. But as Democrats explained, the odds of injury from an animal attack dropped from 0.000013 to 0.000000011 per 100,000.

Best of Rodney Dill
Edmund was chagrined as he discovered he had inadvertantly stumbled into a Hay Bar.

Best of Matt the K
California National Guard cows are happier.

Best of Matt the K
The remake of 'Top Secret' lacks the comic punch of the original.

Best of Rodney Dill
Preparing to deploy the automatic land mine dispensers.

The Reassuring Gaze

The Onion

1. "Let me see that ass!" Obama's search for the person to blame for the oil spill led to some unfortunate misunderstandings.

2.ORA: "I want my famly back!"

3. When the madness of Pon Farr was upon him, Tuvok couldn't resist the pungent smell of mansweat.

4. "I see that you're a white person, but are you a typical white person?"

5. "Sorry, I thought you were Simon Pegg. The proletariat all look alike to me."

Best of JohnS1959
Look son, I can't have you running against our guy. How would you like a job in my administration? You could be ah, um, err, ah - I know - Secretary of the Interior! You could um, ah, you know, craft our entire response to oil spills and disasters and stuff.

Best of dub
This picture isnt funny. Clearly the guy is retarded. The guy in the purple shirt seems ok though in comparison.

Best of GregMan
"What do you mean, your iPod has something on it besides my speeches?!"

Best of dub
Brains.....brains.....brains....damn, someone already got to the negro.

Best of Jack Reacher
"So, Timmy, you ever seen a community organizer naked?"

Best of mega
Empathy Practice Fridays required one staffer to put down the beer bong and toss on a shirt for an hour. The displeasure was evident.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Bob, do you remember that time I gave you a ride to the Circle K when you had the munchies at 2:00 a.m.? Well I'm calling in my marker, Bob. I need you to give 787 billion dollars.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Look, I really need you to pay back that student loan... NOW!

Threadwinner: Kaptain Krude
ORA?: "My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought, careening through a cosmic vapor of invention."
"Ditto."

Best of Matt the K
Obama pleads with Jay Mohr to return to the cast of "Ghost Whisperer".

Best of Army of Dad
"Did you ever dance with a wookie in the pale moon light?"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Gimme your wallet cracka muthaf*cka!"

Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner: Best of Submariner
Have you seen my stapler? It's a red Swingline...

Mob Dudes Drinking Beer with a Toddler

1. And at the end of the meeting of South Carolina Democrats, they decided to nominate Alvin Greene.

2. A new scandal headache for the Obama administration as Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner is photographed eating lunch with the Sicilian Mafia.

3. Ah, the essence of the Democrat party... Mobsters and illegal immigrants raising a toast to a crybaby.

4. NAMBLA members find a new meeting place after being banned from Chuck-E-Cheese.

5. "Yeah, we vomit on our plates and then pass around a urine sample. An odd and pointless ritual, admittedly..."

Best of Tim
Gypsies like to nominate their Kings at a very young age to avoid pointless dance off wars in the future.

Best of Vinney
The chateaubriand was exquisite. The truffles salad was to die for. Little did these patrons know they would be on Guy Fieri's "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives".

Best of dadoctah
"*Tea* party? Screw that!"

Best of GregMan
"It's strictly business, Timmy. Nothing personal."

Best of GregMan
"Thanks for paying for our health care for the rest of your life, Timmy. Hope you never plan on needing any yourself."

Best of molson
Don't worry. It will be just like stealing beer from a baby. Let me demonstrate.

Best of mega
Those Obama staffer beerfests look a LOT less hip once you dump the wide angle lens and go in tight.

Best of Jack Reacher
The EADS/Airbus bidding process looks above-board to me, yes sir.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ed Asner's Toast - Look how far I've sunk since ticking off Mary Tyler Moore. Used to be I could get a primo seat at Spago's. Can hemorrhoid ads be far behind, no pun intended?

Best of mega
"A toast to Hussein, after thirty years of patient waiting. Ah, we were young, so young when it all started. It is time to activate the Manchurian, is it not, my dear friends?"

Best of Submariner
So's I tricked Roger with the never fails "shave and a haircut" knock and dipped him up to his ears. "Lucky foot" my a$$.

Best of mpur
After the beer pong photo was released, white house staffers kept their partying decidedly more low-key.

Not Quite As Naughty But Still Fairly Naughty

Ooooh.... Naughty!

Best of GregMan
Christy and Lisa play the new sex game "Barry and Frank Marshall Davis".

Best of GregMan
Megan explains to her roommate how her job interview with the Secretary of State went.

Best of Army of Mom
I CAN HAZ FURBURGER?

Best of dub
I'm just helping give her a boost over this ottoman...

Best of Army of Mom
When you punish her, I want to see handprints. Do you understand? Say, yes Mistress Army of Mom.

Best of sonicfrog

A scene cut from the theatrical release of Flash Gordon:

The Emperor Ming: Klytus, I'm bored. What play thing can you offer me today?
Klytus: This.
Ming: Oh, OK.

Best of Steve O
"Hoarders" ramps it up for sweeps week.

Best of dadoctah
"Is it in yet?" Donna once again fails to "get it".

Best of molson
Well that just turned something like 20 million keyboards into sticky doorstops.

Just Sayin'

K the P


Best of GregMan
Following up on that Picard riff... "There... are... SIX... clowns!"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"Oh, we're off to see the wizard...and I'm going to get a brain!"

Best of Adriane
Oh Wee Oh. Yo, Oh!
Oh Wee Oh. Yo, Oh!

Best of dadoctah
"Anyway, thanks for coming. And if we ever *do* add McArugula to the menu we'll be sure and let you know."

Best of Submariner
I see that the quality of lunch Barry buys for world leaders is right on par with his gifts of state...

Best of molson
ICP on tour.

Best of JohnS1959
"Bye bye" said Ronald, "and thanks for all those extra workers cying to work for minuimum wage!"

Best of dadoctah
The choices for state dinners dwindle down to a precious few if you insist on picking a place with a ball pit.

Best of Jay Guevara
Ronald McDonald waving goodbye: "Sorry, we don't have a job for you now, but come back when you've got some experience. Oh, and you in the front, next time bring your birth certificate too."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Timmy, I said we've got to show the public we're cutting back on White House expenses, but McDonalds HAMBURGERS for the delegation from INDIA?? What the hell were you thinking? Geithner mumbles: Fine... maybe next time I'll trap and serve all the rats scurrying around here, your majesty.

Best of Dactyl
Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to raise your taxes empower despots crush your dreams alienate our allies skyrocket energy prices destroy entrepreneurialism create a state-run media kowtow to labor unions and fuck Israel over we go...

Best of Rodney Dill
Two obese parties
special laws
legal sleaze
potus minions
and a wannabe lead dunce

Best of Capt. Queeg
"OK, thanks for stopping in. The opening for Mayor McCheese has already been filled, but we'll keep your resume on file."

Now we know how that nice couple from the other weekend turned out

Sigmund Freudian


1. "Hey, David Brooks! Check out this pants crease!"

2. "Ha! Ha!" Obama cackled. "In that get up, they will never waddle away from their ass-kicking in time."

3. "Don't you dare smile and destroy my perfectly goth and androgynous Prom Night!"

4. Shamed and humiliated, the BP executives report for their ass-kicking

5. In 2005, Microsoft's revised its dress code to inspire creativity. Vista was designed in retribution.

Best of Adriane
Addams Family Reunion ... Sven & Igmar Addams to be precise ...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The BP execs appear before Congress to explain why they're having difficulty plugging an oil well shaft.

Best of Vnney
With the economy in a shambles, sharing pants is gaining acceptability.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Son, the phrase "kicking more ass than a one-legged man in a three-legged race" is just an expression. Peggy, that boy just ain't right.

Best of Spin
Abercrombie & Fitch step into the world of Haute Couture with fabulous results.

Best of mega
With the recent LGF break of the doctored al-Reuters photos showing cropped-out knives, the two remaining LGF commenters felt comfotable coming out into public once again, though only briefly.

Best of Rodney Dill
Ted and Carl went to great lengths to prove they just didn't put their pants on one leg at a time like everyone else.

Best of Silhouette
Don't get your hopes high that Helen Thomas' replacement will be any saner.

Threadwinner: molson
The pilot show for "So You Think You Can Dress Yourself" totally bombed in the ratings.

Best of Dactyl
Nobody really believed that Reldak and Taaantry were really "from France" as they claimed, but everybody went along with it to avoid any INS entanglements.

Best of dadoctah
A stunt like this is just *asking* to get the senior prom cancelled.

Best of Submariner
The pilot for "One and a Half 'Tards" was not met with much enthusiasm, even at Bravo!

Best of Matt the K
Something tells me these aren't the first balls on the chest these guys have gotten.

When Worlds Collide

Teh Llama Butchers

1. In its first move after buying the network, Comcast forced MSNBC to replace Countdown with Keith Olbermann with Melisa Therieu's Hot Lesbian Cat-Fight Hour. Bill O'Reilly's show was canceled two weeks later.

2. Yup, kids. If George Washington had been as incompetent in the French and Indian Wars as Obama has been in handling the oil spill, this is what our newscasts would look like today.

3. The catfight was broken up only after President Obama showed up and kicked both of their asses.

4. Some women fill out their starfleet uniforms better than others.

5. Now that Helen Thomas's spot in the White House Press Pool has opened up, may I make a suggestion....

Meanwhile, Back at Ford's Theater

Sondra K


1. "Um, I don't know, M'Chel. I think 'Sic Semper Tyrranus' is, um, Austrian or something."

2. Bammy stuggles to keep his hand off Tucker Carlson's thigh, but the temptation is tough.

3. "Annie Sprinkle does a great live show... still, could use more Bush-bashing."

4. Just moments before the unfortunate "racist" incident that ended Gallagher's career.

5. "Did you see her pull those 'Jew Cookies' out of the oven? Roseanne Barr is a stand-up comic genius!"

Best of dadoctah
Opening night at "My Pet Goat: The Musical!"

Best of metalgarth
Carl paid big money to get front row seats at the Krusty Komedy Klassic

Best of Vinney
"Michele, do you believe these suck-up crackers are enjoying Deaf Poetry"?

Threadwinner: mega
"Other than a giant oil spill ruining the lower half of the country for the next century, Mrs. Obama, how was the play?"

Best of mega
thought bubble: "If those actors don't do a better job, I'm gonna kick their asses."

Best of Whacko
"Psst, Michelle, your necklace looks like it was made from the front grille of a Buick."

Best of Jack Reacher
As the Obamas enjoy the third hour of the latest feminist-Marxist performance piece, the couple to their right prays for the sweet release of death.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Help! Is there a community organizer in the house?" Shouts you'll never, ever hear.

Best of Mr. Hankey
"...and that everyone is what we call a library. Now let's discuss the librarian lady..."

Best of GregMan
M'chelle clenches her powerful jaw muscles as she realizes that the Klingons do not in fact win in Star Trek III.

Best of Submariner
The Obamalama is about to find out what's worse - front row at a Gallagher event, or front row when Chris Mathews finds out he's in the audience...

Kuato says "Kill the Joos!"

Hat Tip: Slublog

And I Cannot Lie

1. Dayum!

2. Yeah, they all start out as hot Brazilian teenage booty, then, they turn into that!

3. Obama knew better than to voice what he was thinking, "Does that thing beep when you back it up?"

4. How can you expect the president to deal with the oil spill, the deficit, the economy, or Iranian nuclear aggression when every night he must confront something even bigger and scarier.

5."That, um, reminds me. You ever see that, um, website. 'People of Walmart?'"

Related Headline: Police astonished by rectal capacity of prison smuggler

Best of andthenblammo!
'Oh gawd, she's wearing my jockstrap again.'

Best of dub
Ba-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka
*passes over crack*
donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka-donka

Best of HLam
"M'chel, you don't need to sneak your carry-on luggage onto Air Farce One. What? There's no duffel-bag stuffed in your pants? My bad."

Best of GregMan
Obamessiah thought bubble: "That reminds me, BP better plug that hole soon."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Speaking of plugging holes.... how 'bout we try our own junk shot tonight."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Remember girls: In case of a water landing, your Mother's ass can be used as a flotation device."

Best of Matt the K
"Mr. President, your ass-mounting truck, sir."

Best of molson
Baby got back and a good part of the neck roll too.

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "When my wife sits around the White House..."

Best of Dactyl
The gravitational field of a black hole is so strong that not even light(workers) can escape it.

Caturday Free For All

Schneider

The T-Shirt Lies

1. Bill Maher is now thoroughly delusional.

2. "This, the hitch-hiker I picked up was wearing it. The hat's mine, though. Can I borrow a shovel."

3. "And what happened after the mean policeman made you put your top on, Grandpa?"

4. "You kids get off my lawn! Except you. The shirtless boy with the backwards ball cap. You may stay."

5. "Grandma, I know you can't afford both estrogen and lithium, but please choose at least one."

Best of Silhouette
Tom Landry: The E Hollywood Story you never knew.

Best of Adriane
So the hormone therapy didn't exactly take ... Ya can't blame an old girl for trying.

Best of dadoctah
Uncle Sam wants -- the same thing he's always wanted, but now he's being honest about it.

Best of divine miss m
And now for something completely different from Rob Halford.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Patrick Stewart as he looked from the Queen Mum's perspective.

Best of Submariner
"Engage, Number One." Now that he's been Knighted, Patrick Stewart doesn't even try any more...

Best of dadoctah
Emo Phillips has really let himself go. Is anyone surprised by that fact?

Best of Kaptain Krude
I can see at least two things wrong with that shirt.

Threadwinner: molson
Britney really needs to lay off the meth.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Bring me hither that sassy First Lady in her tight green pants!" The self-proclaimed Emperor Norton IV was delusional in more ways than one.

Make It So

Brender and Divine Miss M


1. Well, there's an old queen, so do I go for the Andrew Sullivan joke, or the more obscure Jeffrey reference?

2. "Kneeling in front of an old queen, long white thing shoved in my face... it's like English boarding school all over again."

3. These things become increasingly hazardous as the Parkinson's sets in.

4. "So, your majesty... that LaRouche fella tells me I can score some primo heroin from you."

5. "Yes, Pat, We know this would be 'much cooler' with a light saber, but we don't a light saber, so would you kindly STFU about it."

Best of Submariner
Didn't realize the Queen was a Jihadi, but I admire her diligence in practice...

Threadwinner: GregMan
Queen Elizabeth settled the "Kirk vs. Picard" debate the only way she knew how, by brutally killing Patrick Stewart.

Best of GregMan
"Now take me the way only a Starfleet Captain can, you magnificant bald hairless bastard!"

Best of Submariner
Patrick; for the last time - How many lights?

Best of curly
“Now go out there and trash Americans, conservatives, heterosexuals and Christians, just like Sir Paul McCartney and Dame Elton John.”

Best of Jay Guevara
Liz thought bubble: "Practice my stroke a few more times, than bring in that Indonesian imbecile. iPod full of his speeches, indeed!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The last thing a dumbfounded Patrick Stewart heard besides the blade?
"There can be only one!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"THERE! ARE! FOUR! KNIGHTS!"

Best of prince of leaves
Liz' thought bubble: "Oh rats, I always forget...the left hand goes on top!" [flip] [slash] [bounce bounce bounce]

Best of metalgarth
Henceforth you shall be known as 'Darth Cueball'

Best of dadoctah
"...and in recognition of the enjoyment you have brought the Empire through your hilarious recurring role in the animated series 'American Dad'...."

Lady Jugs-a-Plenty

Best of Army of Dad
This confirms she likes to fish with artificial lures.

Best of David
Looks like her personal flotation devices are all in order.

Best of dub
I went fishing with Shelly and all I caught were 2 Haitians and a scorching case of herpes.

Best of Submariner
If'n she jiggled a bit more, my inboard would turn into an outboard.

Best of Eric
A Texas-rig in salt water? Who is she kidding?

What is that black object in the foreground? A Latex-Fetish Tom Servo?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I think that pose is halfway between nadu and kajira, but who's gonna be quibbling when they could be nibbling?

Best of Army of Dad
Mini Darth Vader likes to relax on his days off.

Best of mega
Nice distraction prop, Rahm. But we can all see the black gook floating toward the beach.

Merry Popouts

1. No worries. Aunt Lurlene gets drunk and does this at every wedding... and funeral... and bar mitzvah...

2. Oh, Mom. You'll do anything to get a generic caption.

3. Eccentrica Gallumbits... the middle aged years.

4. Although not as celebrated as the Folsom Street Fair, San Francisco's Annual Diaphragm Festival is an important part of the local cultural tapestry.

5. Once the divorce is final, prepare to meet a Whole New Tipper Gore!

Best of Vinney
The Susan J. Koman Race for the Cure takes on a new approach.

Best of Submariner
Aaarrrgh, matey - I be a smelly pirate hooker. Show me how well ya use yer peg leg...

Best of prince of leaves
Facing a decline in membership, the Unarians decide to spice up their ceremonies.

Best of Mr. Hankey
There just hasn't been enough Drew Barrymore in the news lately.