Monday, May 31, 2010

Rain Man


1. "Emanuel! Axelrod! Get your chalky-white honky asses back here and do The Mikato with me."

2. "In the Holy Name of Allah, I command this rain to stop!"

3. The ceremony was going great until a drunken Patrick Kennedy slammed his Beamer into a fire hydrant.

4. "Wow. Look at my teleprompter guy twitch. How many volts do you think are going through him?"

5. "So, Pelosi is water-soluble. Who knew? What a world, indeed."

Best of mega
Unprecedented rainstorm.

Best of Submariner
♪ I'm singin' in the rain...♪
kick the US econonmy
♪ Just singin' in the rain...♪
upper cut to the taxpayer
♪ What a glo-rious feeling, ♪
rabbit punch the wealthy
♪ I'm Hap- Hap- Happy again! ♪

Best of blue
I wonder what happens if I grab the microphone when it is wet??

Best of Censors Hip
those queer boys who want me to repel Clinton's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" did promise me a golden shower

Best of Matt the K
As a stipulation of the bailout package, the Morton Brothers were pressured to pick a certain someone as their new Salt Girl.

Best of dadoctah
"Okay, who pissed off the Hopi dancers?"

Best of HLam
"This rain is, um, Bush's fault."

Best of Adriane
Hanging Around ... Some kind of lonely clown ... Rainy Days and Mondays ...

Threadwinner curly
The clouds acted stupidly.

Best of dub
For the first time in my life, I am proud to own an umbrella.

Best of Dactyl
Note to White House staff: next time we visit the Tallahassahoochy County fair, position podium farther away from the annual spittin' contest.

The First Klingon's Prom Pic


Best of duke of red
Years later, Richard Pryor would set himself on fire after remembering his senior prom. Media blames freebasing.

Best of paul mitchell
Michelle did not go to a prom until she was forty? And with HER DAD?

Best of Mephitis
Looks like the curtains got a pass this one time. The satin sheets, not so much.

Best of Matt the K
Calrissian-Wookie wedding announcement photo.

Threadwinner: dadoctah
"Come on down to World O' Wicker for our big Memorial Day weekend sale!"

Best of blue
I wonder if it is a good idea to have our picture taken while Barrack is playing golf?

Best of Censors Hip
I don't care if the pictures are published, just make sure you erase the videos!

Best of Submariner
Thank all that's holy that Ron Glass was able to get to da choppah...

Best of Mr. Hankey
Placing her chair over the rafters in the attic- the Queen brought many paramours to her abode before devouring them.

Best of Matt the K
When the pilot episode bombed, the 'Mandinka Addams' character was rewritten as 'Morticia', and Caroline Jones got the part. Black Lurch was fired soon after.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Nice Young Couple


1. From the backdrop, I see John Conner has once again failed to stop Skynet from initiating a Global Holocaust.

2. "I always dreamed I'd be next to you when the bombs began to fall, Kathy. I never imagined the dorky hat, though."

3. Canadian prom pic.

4. After her makeover, the kid from the well in The Ring looked almost human.

5. Young Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham bitterly watch the happy, popular kids enjoy the fruits of a free market economy and bitterly plot their revenge.

Best of prince of leaves
"Thanks to months of expensive in-patient laser hair-removal treatments, we no longer look like a couple of bears and can now live normal lives. Thanks, Obamacare!"

Best of Submariner
See them, out there, Geoffrey? We call them "Clingers" and they are beneath us.

Best of Submariner
It's NOT a purse, it's a man's shoulder wallet, and it's not a dorky hat, it's a Swedish Saaltjobartle. They were gifts...

Best of prince of leaves
I know I speak for everyone when I say that Revelations had me expecting something a little scarier than a Justin-Bieber-clone Satan and the Creepy Granola Chick of Babylon.

Best of dadoctah
(off-screen voice): "Kids, it's been five years, and I can see you're getting a little bored, so I'm just going to skip ahead and actually *tell* you how I met your mother."

Best of sixdegreesofblondness
"A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything."
"Damn straight."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I imagine this is what Levi looked like when Bristol told him she'd been knocked up.

Best of molson
Dude! Do not look, but I think a racoon is trying to skull feck you. Oh did I tell how baked I am right now?

Best of dub
She said she was waiting for marriage...so mostly I just fark my hat every night.

Friday, May 28, 2010

More Bears


1. "Oh, c'mon Yogi. What kind of sick intercourse would demean this adorable nature scene with second-rate bestiality-pedophilia references."

2. "Keep acting cute until we lure the hippies close enough to rip their throats out."

3. "No, not here in the open. Let's go beneath the trees where nobody sees. Then, we'll have our 'picnic.'"

4. "That 'Eiffel Tower' with Goldilocks was awesome! Gimme five, bro!"

5. "Do you see any trees around here? Take it into the woods, Winnie-the-Pooh!"


Best of Submariner
Dammit; if our nose tackle is begging for another breakfast at the campsite again, I'm gonna kick his a$$.

Best of Tim
That sound you hear is a million Furries fapping in their suits

Best of Adriane
It's just a rug, man. Really! It's nobody we know ...

Best of curly
“Life is full of opportunities for bears. Just look at our great aunt, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan.”

Best of Julie the Jarhead
"Let's take the 'T' into Boston next weekend and make this official."

Best of Silhouette
"See? You have them and so do I. In fact, we have a RIGHT to bear arms."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I'm from the Federally-Managed Wildlife Habitat Area, and I'm here to help you."

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
I'm white, you are black - maybe our cub will grow up to be a community organizer!

Best of Matt the K
Having grown up in a Southern forest, the cubs' mixed marriage was frowned upon.

Give her a Hand

AoM

1. Thing has been hanging out with the Kennedies way too long.

2. "They are spectacular, but I can't tell if they're real yet."

3. Week Four of Ex-Gay therapy, "touching a woman" was where most washed out.

4. "Oh, I don't mind. I'm used to it. I did an internship with David Letterman."

5. "Oh, hi Uncle Fred. Yeah, I have grown up into a fine young lady. So, you still have to check in with the local police every time you move?"

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Hail Communism

Brender

1. President-for-Life Obama's birthday celebrations in 2026 were relatively subdued compared with the past, owing to the 19th year of national recession.

2. You can always tell when the American Federation of Teachers is holding a convention.

3. Minneapolis went all out in its efforts to lure the 2012 Democratic National Convention.

4. The Communist Transvestite convention was accidentally scheduled the same week as the DNC convention. Fortunately, no one noticed.

5. Hookers for the Democrat National Convention know their johns pretty damn well.

Best of blue
The ObamaCorps dances up a storm during the recruitment drive.

Best of Matt the K
Apparently, some mail-order brides are sent BACK.

Threadwinner: Rodney Dill
"Screw you.... we work for Mel Brooks."

Best of Jay Guevara
Jackbooty call.

Best of Mr. Hankey
...and then Obama woke up.

Best of Submariner
I don't really get the symbolism but I think I might like the musical version of "Reds." But when does Pete Rose do 'em?

Best of Submariner
MSNBC is celebrating 65 years in the biz? Who would've guessed they are that old?

Assistant Threadwinner: Jason
Look its the rest of Jesse James' mistresses

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
To save money, the US Army plans to purchase these same Russian uniforms for all new Don't Ask, We Can Tell recruits.

Best of Vinney
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated.
We're gonna do it!"

Best of dadoctah
Worst. ABBA cover band. ever.

Porker? I Just Met Her!

Brender

BTW: The pig's name is Mohammed.


1. Michael Moore and his mistress share a tender moment.

2. Shallow Hal 2 featured cameos by James Carville and Mary Matalin.

3. Bedtime in Middle America--- as imagined by readers of the New York Times.

4. I can't believe Ron Jeremy is still making pr0n.

5. ORA: Finally, photographic evidence of the alleged Will Folks-Nikki Haley affair.

Best of Rodney Dill
That'll do pig.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
More proof of the waaaay too cozy relationship between federal safety inspectors and the meat industry.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Hey! no fair posting pictures of the captioneers!

Best of Submariner
Not now, Subby; I'm boared.

Best of blue
Satisfied girl: "Chronos, you are a Wonder Pig!"

Best of dub
Jamaican Jerk Pork....UR DOIN IT RONG!

Best of Army of Dad
What is it with Bill Clinton and girls in hats?

Best of Army of Dad
♪♫Don't break my heart, oinky porky heart...♪♫

Best of Dactyl
Wanna see my Ned Beatty impression?

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Pig thought bubble: "I wish people would stop comparing me with that fat fvck Moore."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Release the Bacon."

Best of dadoctah
Chaz Bono has finally found contentment.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

By All That's Hole-y

Brender

1. "I found your golf ball... its down here next to a baby alligator and the Democrat Party's ethics."

2. Every night, Andrew Sullivan's proctologist awoke from the same nightmare.

3. Apathetic New Yorkers barely notice as the CHUD's drag another pedestrian to a horrible death.

4. "CNN's ratings have to be around here somewhere."

5. "I've never seen a man rip off a sewer grate just to vomit before ... of course, he did just see Rosie O'Donnell in a thong."

Best of mega
"Hey down there...the LGF domain name renewal is due. You got 10 days to pay, buddy."

Best of Vinney
After watching Keith Olbermann, Ted needed to clear his head-quickly.

Best of dub
Andrew Sullivan's search for "man holes" returned disappointing results.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Canadian border patrol examining tunnels where illegal Americans are crossing the border in search of gainful employment.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Here he is, guys! Hey, Rand Paul! We have a few more questions about the Civil Rights Act!"

Best of Steve O
Another Communications major enters the workforce.

Best of sonicfrog
Hey, that's Chris Mathews looking for Obama's approval ratings.

Best of curly
“Mr. Oberman, please come out! It’s time for your meds…”

Best of dadoctah
"Oh my god. It's full of stars."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Rookie firemen always fall for the "turn on the fire hydrants" command.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Betty White? Damn, you keep popping up everywhere."

Best of Matt the K
Lawrence always picked the worst places to lay down his breakdance mats.

What's In Your Wallet?

Brender

1. The USC mascots meet the new Minnesota mascot, Lucky Pierre.

2. "Hey Look! It's Captain Oveur and Joey! I'm so glad you guys could make it!"

3. "At my signal, unleash a wicked flurry of bitch-slaps."

4. "My name is Gladiator... but I also answer to 'Wendy.'"

5. "Five thousand of my men are out there in the freezing mud. Three thousand of them are bloodied and cleaved. Two thousand will never leave this place. All in all, Folsom Street Fair was pretty good this year."

Best of Vinney
Safe School Czar Kevin Jennings institutes Gladiator Appreciation Day at The Boy's Academy.

Best of Jack Reacher
Oh, does the new Sex In The City movie open today?

Best of dub
sign in background: "Iron my cape bitch".

Best of Rodney Dill
Gladiator... he doesn't even know her.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Another organiation in which Richard Blumenthal has claimed to have served.

Threadwinner: Submariner
Is that a gladius in your toga or are you just happy to see me?

Best of Submariner
When this group asked bystanders "What's in your wallet?" They, quite understandably, thought at first that a Capital One advertising event was happening. When it was immediately followed by "Give it to me." they realized that it was just Obamacare being implemented.

Best of curly
The GLAADiators!

Best of Matt the K
I think the one in the middle is named 'Kitten'.

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Children's Hour

Brender

1. "Really? You want us to be the 'main event' at the Annual Idi Amin Memorial Dinner? What an honor!"

2. "The Safe Schools Czar? He's in the broom closet giving the boys crotch-lice inspections."

3. "Thanks for decapitating our teacher with your b'ath leth, M'Chel. I guess that counter-revolutionary capitalist whore got what was coming to her!"

4. When M'Chel thought of the hollowed-out shell of a country she and her husband would leave to the little brats, she couldn't help but smile.

5. "When I find out which of you little petaQs glued Lucky Charms to my Tiffany necklace, I'll rip out your still-beating heart and eat it while you watch!"

Best of curly
“Dude, I told you watching Barney on acid was a bummer!”

Best of Jack Reacher
"Miss Jones? The children have informed me of your, ah, unhelpful statements regarding the administration. Those men in back will need to speak with you. You can leave your things here."

Best of dub
Lazyeyesayswhat?

Best of GregMan
Hey look, another picture of that disgusting rodent from the White House.

Best of divine miss m
Getting a lot of mileage out of Standard Cap # 666 this week, aren't we?!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Why is it that some people simply refuse to take down the christmas decorations after the holidays?

Best of dub
I'm sorry Ms. Jolie, you can only adopt the little ones.

Best of dadoctah
"I asked for a photo op, not a freakin' Benetton ad!"

Best of Dactyl
Once again, M'Chel's eyes would prove to be bigger than her stomach.

Best of Submariner
The only chance you have against a T Rex is to stay absolutely motionless so as not to draw its keen-eyed attention.

Best of prince of leaves
Carlos' good math scores may have gotten him onto the stage with the First Lady, but Tiffany's "Condom Rainbow" collage got her first position in the pecking order.

Best of metalgarth
Living proof that Mr. Burns has some very "excellent" Jungle Fever back in the 1960s

Best of Mr. Hankey
"I'm here to read "The Pet Goat" to the class while your country is attacked....I mean liberated."

Best of mega
"Alpha, may I eat the white child?"

The Rat in the White House

Doogie

1. "Has anyone seen M'Chel's lunch?"

2. "Why, yes, Richard Gere did stay in the Lincoln Bedroom last night. Why do you ask?"

3. "Mr. Sullivan, if you can't control your flatulence, The Atlantic will no longer be welcome at my press availabilities."

4. "Yeah, they've been deserting the White House for the last six months or so."

5. ORA: "All I know is Rahm says its name is 'Ben' and we won't f-ck with it if we know what's good for us."

Best of Vinney
Chuckie Schummer never misses a photo op.

Best of GregMan
"Another illegal alien crossing the border! Quick, give it free health care and some food stamps!"

Best of dub
Unfortunately a rodent ruined an otherwise nice photo of a lifesized replica of the new Uncle Jemima Syrup bottle.

Best of sonicfrog
Can you spot the lying rat in this picture?

Best of Jay Guevara
Rat thought bubble: "Great. Now they've got a photo of me with Obama. I'll never live this down."

Threadwinner: curly
In a redraft of the novel Nineteen Eighty-Four, Winston Smith must choose between listening to an endless stream of patronizing Obama drivel or the standard rat torture.

Best of dadoctah
"What's the matter with you people? Haven't you ever seen a pygmy Portuguese water dog before?"

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"...and that is why I have chosen this lemming as the new symbol for the Democratic party under my leadership."

Best of Jack Reacher
"...and so I told Rahm, hey, GEICO has that lizard. My administration needs a cute mascot. See what you can do, ah, with a, you know, Chicago theme."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Peter Pettigrew reports in to "He Who Must Not Be Named"

Best of Submariner
...and with a simple, three word edict; "Release the Kracken!" The Obamessiah unleashed Secretary of State Clinton on an unsuspecting world.

Best of metalgarth
"created or saved 5 million rats"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Proof that the marxist messiah is just phoning it in - a newly unemployed White House flunky forgot to cover up the air hose running from a compressor to the inflatable obamalama doll behind the podium.

Best of Rodney Dill
Let 'im go... professional courtesy.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

From Here to Mediocrity


1. "Gaius, do you think the Lost finale will suck as badly as ours did?"

2. "Hold that thought while I squeeze out a squeaker... A-a-a-a-h, much better."

3. "Wait! Are you saying the Fifth cylon was actually Mrs. Howell?"

4. Scene from the new Galactica spinoff: Gaius Baltar: Beach Gynecologist.

5. "If only the family down there had some beets. Then, the prophecy of Friday's threadline would be fulfilled."

Best of Double the U
OMG! I can't believe it isn't butter either!

Best of dadoctah
"I don't understand what you're saying. You're gay as what now?"

Best of blue
Mary Ann Jr to Gilligan Jr: No Wait, you're my brother!

Best of mega
Gene Simmons: "Sorry, don't remember this photo. Keep in mind, I had 3,200 that year."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Gill Jr: No worries! I spoke to the professor and he says our kids will look almost normal. It's our great-grandkids who'll be real gargoyles... so c'mon, gimme some lovin.

Standing on a Beach


1. ORA: "So, dad, did randomly shooting that Arab confirm your theories on existentialism?"

2. ORA: "So where the f*ck did that polar bear come from anyway?"

3. "You know, Daddy Gilligan, it's great that you and Mary Ann got together and had us kids... but seriously, who are we supposed to f*ck when we grow up?"

4. "At last, Cthulu awakes! This is gonna be awesome!"

5. "...used condoms...broken hypodermic needles.....used tampons...empty crack vials...green algae..This is just like our bathroom back home!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The elves aren't ever coming back, are they, Pappa Aragorn?
Sadly, no. Hey, if you squint and use your imagination, those tarballs resemble orcs I fought long ago.

Best of curly
“Look Dad, I know that Obama’s plan to collapse the US economy and usher in the New World Order is upon us, but do you really think we can swim all the way to Costa Rica?”

Best of curly
“No sweetie, those are common smells of an ocean beach at low tide and not a nearby meeting of senior Democratic congresswomen, female Supreme Court justices, Janet Napolitano and Elena Kagan.”

Best of molson
The sheen off of the oil slick sure is beautiful this time of the day.

Best of Double the U
Daddy, please tell us again how at one time this land provided food for the people of that place you called America.

Best of dub
Tom took a moment to take in another glorious sunset, proudly realizing he only has 3 regrets in life.

Best of Submariner
"What does that mushroom cloud on the horizon mean," Joey? I'll tell you what it means; you kids can go have a couple of six packs for breakfast while your mom and I see where all we can get sand before I go fish with no limit... THAT'S what it means

Best of dadoctah
"Okay, kids, now hold on and we'll all walk slowly forward together until the hurt goes away."

Best of mega
The Gore family was heartbroken to see another sunny mild day, no changes in the climate, same as a week ago, same as ten thousand years ago.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Christmas portraits for shy families.

Best of GregMan
"So we hold hands, walk into the waves, slowly ascend into Heaven and become beings of pure light and love? At least that's less confusing than the series ending of Lost.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Al

1. Yogi had himself declared an illegal immigrant and sued Jellystone Park for harassment. Now, the Ranger has to bring *him* the pickanick basket.

2. "No, seriously, when do we eat?"

3. "Happiness, you are like the salmon in the stream, forever slipping out of my paws. Oh, ennui!"

4. When Andrew Sullivan went to meet a "bi ol' horny bear" at the rest area on the Jersey turnpike, he had expected something different. Not better, just different.

5. "Hey! Hurry up with that pickanick basket! I got to get back to Wall Street as soon as the New Financial Regulations kick in."

Best of dadoctah
Looks like my employer has outsourced the annual performance reviews.

Best of Vinney
"Hey people, I just ate Andrew Zimmern. Kosher and a bit gamey but not bad."

Best of dub
Another fine example of the Pacific Northwest African American Bear.

Best of Adriane
Why do people keep askin' me about a Man and a Pig?

Best of Submariner
Despite the picture that USC players always paint, I find most Cal linemen to be well behaved.

Best of sonicfrog
Of course, the bear won't admit it, but he is sulking and a little jealous that that rat got some on-camera time with the President and he didn't.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
After Ed took this cute photo, his nagging bitch wife yelled at the bear to get its elbows off the table. Next year, Ed will be enjoying a singles cruise in the Bahamas.

Best of blue
And for desert I will that that Somalian kid with the 3 fish


Best of curly
"I gotta take a shit but I'm waitin' for the Pope to finish up."

Best of Spin
Why yes, that device to my left is were I shit.

Best of curly
“Goldilocks and Mama Bear kicked me and Baby Bear out, became hardcore lesbian activists, and are now living in Enumclaw.”

Getcher Stinkin' Hands Off Me...

Brender
1. Curious George never should have started hanging out with Lindsay Lohan.

2. "Soylent Green is made out of Orangutans!"

3. This is what happens when you dress for a Plushy Convention and it turns out to be a Cop Uniform Fetish Convention.

4. "I'm a progressive blogger! I have a Constitutional Right to fling feces at Sarah Palin!"

5. "This is a madhouse! A madhouse!"

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Fish Heads!

Brender

1. "Be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting wesbians."

2. "Mz. Kagan, your lunch is here."

3. Give a Somali a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a Somali three fish and he'll make an attractive prom ensemble.

4. The concept of a codpiece gets lost in translation.

5. "No, no, no... I said I wanted a triple fisting," Andrew Sullivan flounced.

Best of Censors Hip
V the K attempt to start "Fish Wednesday"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Just your typical Somali bridegroom, all dressed up in his finest and heading toward the church with a dowry.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Kameed proudly wears his commemerative 'Blackhawk Down" shirt to the spawning celebration.

Best of dub
In his younger days, Barrack was quite the fisherman.

Threadwinner: metalgarth
Caption This: Troy McClure's favorite spot for second rate, interracial pornography.

Best of dadoctah
That's nothing. Yesterday there was some kid here who was dressed as a butterfly.

Best of Spin
"I like fish sticks", go on say it!

Best of Rodney Dill
All your bass are belong to us.

Best of Submariner
Give a Livonian three fish and you'll feed him for a week.
Give an Enmclawian three fish and you have the makings of a swing party.

Best of Rodney Dill
Nigerian phishing scammer

Best of jj
Once again it's just cruel to tease blind men like that.

Hank Randolph, Fish Levitator

Brender

1. Hank tries and fails to talk a suicidal fish back into the water.

2. " I rebuke thee, levitating demon fish!!"

3. Hank was so good he could lure fish right out of the water. He was truly a master baiter.

4. "Dammit! The aliens are stealing my fish again!"

5. "So Long and Thanks for All the Me!"

Best of dub
Sturgeon are truly amazing fish...capable of fighting up strong currents to get to their spawning beds, and shitting a fisherman.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Look how rich America is, here we throw fish away while in Somalia they wear fish for clothes!!

Best of blue
before joining the border patrol, Ted is required to practice Catch & Release

Best of Matt the K
Every spring the salmon gather in wonder to witness the Spawning of the Rednecks.

Best of prince of leaves
Evolution takes a bizarre turn, as fish mutated by the nuclear power plant spontaneously develop the capability for winged flight.

Threadwinner: Rodney Dill
"What's that Bassie? Timmy's stuck in a dry well? Lead the way girl."

Best of Submariner
The dam broke, go get Aquaman!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

How Nature Says...


1. "Oh, don't be such a worrywart, mom. I'm sure all the other kids in middle school will respect and appreciate my need for self-expression."

2. "But I don't wanna wear Army of Mom's outfits to school."

3. No one ever imagined that one day Billy would be the Republican Candidate for Congress from Florida's 20th District.

4. "Who let Barney Frank design the Junior ROTC uniforms?"

5. "Guess what, mom! My costume won! I'm gonna be NBC's new mascot! Keith Olbermann's going to meet me at midnight at a freeway rest stop to give me my prize!"

Best of Matt the K
Justin Bieber made a fatal career mistake when he hired Billy Squire's video director.

Best of molson
Oh sweet pickles not another coming out party.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Dear Ann Landers.... I hate you.

Best of HLam
Heard from every Mummer in Philadelphia..."Hey, I HAVE that outfit!"

Threadwinner: dadoctah
"You know that superhero Kick-Ass? I'm sort of the reciprocal equivalent; the yin to his yang, if you will."

Best of Jay Guevara
Who knew Starfleet Academy was in San Francisco?

Best of Submariner
"Fa schizzle, ma nizzel;" Larry's attempt at being down with the homies at the Mission was a guaranteed train-wreck about to happen once he watched Snoop on MTV...

Best of Oiao
"Can I has State Funded gender reassignment next year?"

Best of GregMan
Barney Frank specifically asked for this kid to get on his lawn.

Best of Mr. Hankey
...why yes...I 'do' have two dads.

Best of dub
Yes they're sequins, they're real, and they're fabulous.

I Hope Sonic Frog Is Satisfied

Because he had complained about the poor quality of "gay Tuesday" offerings.

1. The other truckers thought Ramblin' Rick's hood ornament was fabulous!

2. Superbottom's buttocks could stop a speeding semi, but his farts were wicked hard on his Fruit of the Looms.

3. You ever have that dream where you have to throw yourself in front of a truck and you're wearing nothing but shredded underwear? Also, you're gay?

4. Ang Lee remakes Maximum Overdrive.

5. After coming out on the Ellen Degenerate Show, Optimus Prime shows up at Cannes with his new boy-toy.

Best of Vinney
The Home Owner's Association new construction committee was upset with Ricky Martin's lawn jockey.

Best of sonicfrog
Well, looks like the role of "The Humongus", has been cast for the Ang Lee remake of "The Road Warrior".

Best of Matt the K
Tonite only at ManTrap, dancing for your pleasure, Mr. Peter Built.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The constipation was getting so bad his thighs were bulging, so a desperate Henrik ran from the bathroom and sought relief by jumping in front of a truck.

Best of Submariner
Aquaman is STILL gayer...

Best of Silhouette
If that's a man, why does he have a volvo?

Best of molson
Roid rage against the machine.

Best of Mr. Hankey
NBC remakes "BJ & The Bear". Guess who plays BJ?

Best of dadoctah
That's it! I'm canceling Casual Fridays!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Old School

Brender

1. "Hooked on Phonics" can help you succeed, too.

2. Unfortunately, Pelosi's botox crapped out right about the time she got to the BP Protest.

3. I dunno what a MILL is, but it's got to be the complete, extreme opposite of a MILF.

4. "Death to America!"

5. Remind me again why we can't burn these things at the stake anymore.

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer!"

Best of GregMan
"Toga!"

Best of Your Failure to Sign Your Post Cost You a Threadwinnner, Buddy
I'm melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?

Best of Rodney Dill
MILLS - Mothers I'd Like to Lacquer Shut

Best of dub
I'm gonna go to Washington, and then I'm gonna go to Ohio, and then I'm gonna go to Florida, and then I'm gonna go to Thursday!! AIIRRRHGHHHH!!!!

Best of Adriane
Hey you kids! Get off that lawn!

Best of The Watcher
'Mills' - where Nancy would like to see all conservatives working, preferably for minimum wage, chained to the machines.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
"...and if any democrat loses an election, I General Mills, will declare martial law!!"

Best of racerboy
Standard Cap #666: Ia! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young!

Best of blue
Nancy (Mills)Pelosie celebrates her 158th birthday.

Best of curly
Abortion mills of the world unite!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Nancy's last facelift left her skin so taut that photographers took delight in capturing the teeth-baring grimmace that happened anytime she raised her arm or clenched a fist.

Best of Jack Reacher
What happens when Death pulls back its shawl.

Best of mega
"Today, I say to all children, and those over 26 too, go out there and change the world!"

Best of Submariner
"I.HAVE.THE.POWER!" Skeletor takes over Greyskull.

Mrs. Potatohead

Jack Creature

1. "I shall call you... Eduardo!"

2. "To save money under ObamaCare, you won't be treated for cancer until your tumors are at least this big."

3. "Helen? Miss Thomas? You dropped your goiter!"

4. "Now, after you have ripped the child from your enemy's womb, twist the neck thusly..."

5. M'Chel shows what a Wall Street bonus will look like after four more years of Obamunism.

Best of Rodney Dill
Tuber? I don't even know her.

Best of HLam
"Yeah, I dropped this one this morning! Took me 15 minutes to fish it from the toilet. Ship it over to Ulbermann asap."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I didn't get a harrumph from that man, but he did give me a potato. So, yeah, we're good."

Threadwinner: dub
One potato two potato three potato chalk faced whore...

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"We secretly replaced Ms. Obama's husband with a freshly dug sweet potato. Let's watch and see if she can tell the difference."

Best of Jay Guevara
"He ain't heavy - he's my tuber."

Best of Passionate Conservative
"Where the F*ck do you put the damn batteries?"

No, Wait, This Is the Threadwinner: David
Farmville message: "Oh, no! One of Barry's negroes has escaped! Will you help them find it?"

Best of Submariner
Your gagh - it is no longer alive...

Best of mega
Arlen Spector's thigh actually tasted pretty good.

Best of blue
"As God is my witness, as God is my witness they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again."

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Drinking Problem


1. Dub wasn't the only one who had to wash his eyes out after the last post.

2. "This Pelosi Brand vodka sure does make me feel drunk with power."

3. Yet another MSNBC intern who would rather jab out her eye with the jagged sharp edge of a vodka bottle than go home with Keith Olbermann.

4. "Hey! I just figured out how I can have a bottle in front of me *and* a frontal lobotomy."

5. "How much would I like to watch a marathon of 'The View' on Lifetime? Let me demonstrate with the jagged end of this Vodka bottle."

Best of dadoctah
Beer goggles. Ur doin it rong.

Best of Chevy Rose
"Hallelujah! Now let this holy vodka burn all of Obama's crap from your left eye so you will be healed!...do I hear an amen?"

Best of jj
What happens when she tries oral sex?

Best of Jack Reacher
"You said if I finished the bottle I'd see a magic snake. There's no magic snake in here."

Best of curly
"Even with the vodka gogles Elena Kagan can't match Janet Napolitano in the sex appeal department."

Best of Submariner
Y'know... I felt that exact same way when V posted the pic of Olberman in drag.

ATDGHEOWAMB*

*And then Dub Gouged His Eyes Out with a Melon-Baller

1. Playboy's held auditions this week for its "Women of Wal-Mart" issue.

2. I feel as though there is something missing from this picture. Shouldn't there be a Swiss man in the background blowing an Alpenhorn?

3. "Will there be cake? We love cake!"

4. "Why does our Prom Limo say 'Mack' on the front?"

5. "Dreams Bill Clinton has had for $400, Alex."

Best of racerboy
Chaos ensued when the divider wall failed between the reception and the hog-calling contest on the other half of the banquet hall.

Best of Vinney
The girls were on Craig's List- Jenny Craig's.

Best of curly
"Sorry Abdrool. I know your earthly imam promised you 72 beautiful virgins in paradise, but there's only these 5 left. Take 'em or leave 'em."

Best of Passionate Conservative
And then Dub burst into flame.

Best of dub
Its the natural progression...from left to right....Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Right on time tubby.

Best of molson
Mmmmm. What a lovely herd of ladies.

Best of Jack Reacher
They can't hear the photographer's directions, as he's had to back off two hundred feet for the shot.

Best of Jay Guevara
So which one is this "Sue E." that passersby keeping calling?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
19:00GMT The European Space Agency's GOCE satellite registered a strange, powerful gravitational anomaly centered in a church parking lot in Iowa. It disappated approx. 2 hours later.

Best of Chevy Rose
Photo of the only females he dated throughout high school confirmed O'Leary's decision to become a priest was the right one.

Threadwinner: Silhouette
I don't even remember this The Facts of Life episode.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Job for a Crusader

Brender

1. Why you should never hold your Plushy convention next to a Ren Faire.

2. ORA: "Cybill Shepard! No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!"

3. "That Sullivan guy his demanding his something or other back."

4. "Geez, I can't believe you wanted to go to the Leather Womyn's Retreat when there's a veritable sexual smorgasbord here for the taking!"

5. "Well, we're from Enumclaw, so it will just be the horse you rode in on."

Best of dub
In medieval Russia, knights prefer poking dragons.....never mind....this is stupid. I got nothing.

Best of metalgarth
"Godzilla Goes Medival" was not what anybody expected

Best of dadoctah
"Take thou heed, Barney, for a similar fate awaits thee. And Spongebob too shouldst be wary."

Best of Vinney
In his dream to save two damsels in distress Sir Olbermann dispatches with Ye Worst Person of a Fortnight and he still can't get laid.

Best of dadoctah
That's what I love about this blog: lots of Saxon violence!

Best of dadoctah
"Aiieee, Gojira, big friggin' whoop...."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The Extreme Rightwing's "take no gay prisoners" crusade took an unfortunate turn when one jihadist mistook the Florida Gators' mascot for a Teletubby.

Threadinner: molson
Have at ye in Hell gatorfag.

Best of Steve O
The Templars. Saving the world from self-animated plush dragons since 1,129.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I'm wounded, call Gator aid..."

Rant and Rave

Sonic Frog

1. "Rob Halford refused to do the duet. He just doesn't care for pussy."

2. The list of those who can sing better than Lady Gaga grows daily ... first Cartman, then some 11 year old kid, and now Fluffy.

3. Brian Setzer's ironic reincarnation.

4. I CAN HAS FREEBIRD?

5. The Viking Kittens are still in the music biz, although since they grew up and became much less cute, their audience is more limited. The same thing will happen to Justin Bieber.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Timmy made good on his promise to stuff and mount Fluffy (victim of the stoned bus driver's weaving) because her screams had sounded better than Jillian's. (the group's lead singer and cat's owner who ironically was run over in the same accident)

Best of Chevy Rose
The drunk cat's burping to the beat is a big hit at local karaoke bar, but later in the evening his sprewed hairballs are sickening.

Best of dub
While Tunces was busy singing Freebird, Larry the drummer accidentally sits on the third drumstick.

Best of Submariner
Cat's hacking up a hairball and your laxative kicking in at the same time; coincidence?

Best of molson
Worst KISS cover band ever.

Best of Rodney Dill
Somehow the Yusef Islam Band just didn't have the same ring to it.

Best of metalgarth
No, we don't know Cat Scratch Fever so quit fucking asking!

Best of metalgarth
You can always spot an MTV video shot in 1981

Best of Adriane
Alvin and the Chipmunks needed a new moniker just about the time the Fancy Feast ran out ...

Threadwinner: dadoctah
2032: Steven Tyler is reincarnated....

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Molotov C0cktease

Psonic Phrog, ironically enough


1. Think of this post as a dipstick to check our levels of Smelly Pirate Hooker captions.

2. "Told you she was fat. She done split the front of her outfit wide open." dub felt vindicated.

3. How nature says, "Here's $20, it's more than you're worth."

4. Chicago Bulls cheerleaders are Bad Ass in more ways than one.

5. The Breast Council has sponsored this ad to remind you that breasts exist.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
If the suit rips a little more, I;ll show you how to smoke this cigarette with my.....


Best of Army of Dad
Drew Barrymore is The Queen of Herpes, coming this summer.

Best of Submariner
Failed Ad Campaigns #3173:
Got Milk?

Best of blue
Does this eye patch make my butt look fat?

Best of dadoctah
"Hon? I'm just gonna give the sitter a ride home, if that's okay...."

Best of Jack Reacher
Stop; you had me at "In the park or in the car--twenty bucks either way."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Dr. Fistula picked the nurse's uniform to lessen anxiety among patients about to undergo colonoscopies and hernia exams.

Best of Vinney
Aaarrr, me hearties.

Delightfully Dreadful


1. M'Chel's childhood obesity initiative was dealt a mild setback when "Greenie, the Healthy Vegetable" Mascot was found to be a convicted sex offender.

2. Due to notoriety, the Safe School Czar must resort to elaborate disguises when he goes on a date.

3. The New Religion of Gaia found that, with the right costumes, child sacrifice could be a festive occasion.

4. "Leaf him alone!" (I had to say it, or Rodney Dill would have.)

5. In Soviet Russia, vegetables molest you!

Best of Rodney Dill
Boston Strangler remake starring Arte Choke.

Best of dub
Little Timmy thought he was doing a good Michael Jackson impersonation with his cheesy jacket. He had no idea that Arte Choke was about to trump that impersonation in a big way....

Best of Rodney Dill
Judge: "Bay leaf... restrain that child."

Best of Jack Reacher
Sprouts and ginger.

Threadwinner: Spin
♪♫ Crimson and Clover, over and over ♪♫

Best of Submariner
Hey kid; come with me over to the hidden valley and I'll give you a taste of some "creamy ranch" that you'll never forget.

Best of dub
When Timmy offered to toss his salad, he had no idea what he was in for.

Best of molson
It's a vegetable? Well it acts more like a fruit.

Best of Wesley M.
Blissfully unaware of the approaching "teachable moment" with First Lady Michelle Obama's Task Force on Childhood Obesity, young Timmy enjoys the final pre-therapy momentof his life...

Best of dadoctah
"...and then the scary mascot came up behind me and made me touch his niblets!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
Little Scott slowly felt ennui creeping up on him.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Baby on Bored

Knowledge Is Power


1. "Should his feet be blue? Does anybody have a baby book?"

2. The 'Guantanamo Bay' line of accessories for hideously ugly babies found a strong niche following.

3. "It's still squirming. Tighten the straps!"

4. "Wouldn't it be aster to just strap him into the car seat and roll the Lexus into a lake... you know, solve two financial problems at one?"

5. "Can you believe the wife wanted to waste $200 on parenting classes?"

Best of dub
I dont care how you accessorize it....conjoined twins freak me out.

Best of David
*muffled* "Start the reactor. Free Mars..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"The guy who sold it to me said something about air holes. I'll read the manual tonight to see what he was talking about."

Best of dadoctah
A chilling smile spread across Stewie's face as he finally located the ganglion that would allow him to control his host's higher motor functions.

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Baby-as-chick-magnet: FAIL.

Obama Taps Kagan

Knowledge Is Power
(And thanks to AoM for the threadline)

1. "Your arms are strong and manly. I like that." "Thanks, Barack."

2. "Would someone restrain Senator Byrd? I am not corrupting the morals of this white woman. They were corrupted already."

3. "Got any Salem lights? I'm really jonesing here."

4. "When I show you the Queen of Spades, you will kill them all!"

5. "Did you have tuna for lunch?"

Best of GregMan
"Really? You hate the U.S. Armed Forces too? Hold me!"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Hey, I can hear the ocean!"
"Me too!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"You're going to ask about my perfume, Mr. President?"
"Actually, I was wondering; is that a Members Only jacket?"

Best of molson
Just a little reminder B. You do know that your penis is all mine. Are we clear on this?

Best of dadoctah
I'm trying to put together a "Dracula enslaving his minions" caption but for some reason it's just not coming together.

Threadwinner: Steve O
Well, since it's for a seat on the Supreme Court, Kagan agrees to kiss a man.

Assistant to the Regional Threadwinner: Submariner
I wish I knew how to quit you...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
WordVerify: gropt - I kid you not. How apropos is that?

Best of Rodney Dill
Obama: "Henceforth you will be known as Darth Butch."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Cling to me, white woman, cling to me!"

Best of dadoctah
"Where *any* other white women at?"

Monday, May 10, 2010

In the Oval Orifice

Al

1. "Huh huh huh. Huh Huh huh. This desk is on my butt. Huh huh huh!"

2. "It's Chris Matthews's birthday. Send him a signed copy of How to Make Love to a Black Man."

3. The Gulf is filled with oil, Nashville is under eight feet of water, and all the president does is play "Invisible Limbo Pole."

4. "And I was thinking, maybe I should take responsibility this time instead of blaming Bush. ... Hahahahahaha! Just kidding! Damn, Axelrod, did you crap your pants?"

5. "I didn't get an 'Allahu Akbar!' out of that man!"

Best of HLam
"Damn it Rahm. If one drop of apple juice soils this rug after Sasha and Malia cleaned it you'll be fired. Why do you think I levitated over it to the desk?"

Best of Submariner
Weeeelllllll, if you're both SURE I can't get Ward Churchill through, let's go with that Kagan broad...

Best of dub
Not to be outdone by anyone, Barry orders the most extravagant presidential toilet ever.

Best of molson
Who's up for a Hot Karl?

Threadwinner: Jay Guevara
"Fifty? No sh!t? You're sure?"

Best of GregMan
"I know, let's nominate a fat ugly bull-dyke to the Supreme Court!"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
..look, you 2 honkeys better learn how to do the hand jive or else you are out of here!

Best of Rodney Dill
"OK, so the damage done, Elena's been named, but I wanna change my nominee to Betty White... She's popular and I really need a win on this."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Rahm, I'm going to need you to Google 'Removing Super Glue from pants and desk.' Just do it!"

Best of Army of Dad
Rahm: Mr. President, that isn't the copier.

Best of Eric
Only opinions on the palm side of my hand will be forced on congress.

Best of dadoctah
"Careful! The floor is lava!"

Best of Mr Hankey
As I am no fool, I can definitely see this wonderful clothing you are holding up and will gladly wear it in tomorrow's parade.

Leave it to Obama to Find a Woman That Makes Janet Reno Look Like Tawny Kitaen (c. 1987)


1. At her confirmation hearings, Elena Kagan recounts how she won the bronze metal in shot put for the Soviet Team at the 1988 Olympics.

2. Like most trans-sexuals, Elena Kagan favors subtle accessories that draw the eye away from her man hands.

3. "Senator, it's very hard to answer your questions while that little Dutch boy keeps poking me."

4. After winning confirmation, Elena Kagan celebrates with her co-workers, Pat, Chris, and Terry.

5. "This one time, at the Leather Womyn's Retreat..."

Threadwinner: mpur
My name is no longer Chastity, it's Chaz.

Best of curly
"That’s some pig!”: E. B. White Charlotte’s Web and Obama’s Charlatan’s Web shared several common themes.

Best of GregMan
Enough already with the pictures of that fat cow in Switzerland.

Best of HLam
Shrek testifies at his Supreme Court nomination hearing.

Best of Submariner
But why would a little piggy have roast beef without the mashed potatoes, gravy, creamed corn and buttered biscuits? That makes no sense, Senator.

Best of dub
ATDEE
(and then dubs eyes exploded)

Best of Submariner
Supreme Court nominees are like onions...

Best of dadoctah
The Napolitano Look is really taking the country by storm!

Best of sonicfrog
Dude.... that shirt material... I think she's wearing my old couch from college!

Best of metalgarth
I'm a big, angry, androgynous, something or other and I want a big cereal.

Assistant Threadwinner: dadoctah
English subtitle: "Enough! Throw the Jedi to the rancor!"

Best of prince of leaves
At this very moment, Lorne Michaels is on the phone with John Lovitz, negotiating a recurring guest role on SNL.

Best of Pedantius
Paul Blart: Supreme Court Justice

Best of Jay Guevara
"If I find whoever put the open can of tuna on the desk I'll pinch his balls off!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Senator: Qualifications?
Elena Kagan: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Senator: You said rape twice.
Elena Kagan: I like rape.

Saturday, May 08, 2010

MSNBC Tries Out a New Slogan


More Chinglish here, (almost all of which would work as MSDNC slogans)

It's accurate at least...

Vera Baker Revealed

Hotel Security Cameras reveal the woman at the heart of the Obama Hotel Tryst

But Balloon Man Blew Up In My Hands

Brender

1. Birth recreation therapy has gotten very elaborate.

2. Scientists had long dreaded the day the AIDS virus would mutate to humongous proportions and begin devouring filipinos.

3. Andrew Sullivan resorts to elaborate visual aids to explain how Trig Palin is not Sarah Palin's son.

4. "I've never seen anything wemotely wike it," Barney Frank simpered. "It fwightens me."

5. Rachel Maddow was proud to be Grandmaster of the Gay Pride Parade, but she didn't much care for the ceremonial outfit.


Best of metalgarth
Goodyear made a special blimp for this years Folsom Street Fair

Best of dadoctah
We're all out of inflatable cowboys; will you accept a substitute?

Best of Submariner
...and... VOILA!... poodle.

Best of Matt the K
Justin finally finds the proof that those close-up photos in the back of National Geographic'World' was a total sham.

Best of dub
No longer satisfied with rodents, Richard Gere moves up to migrant farm workers.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Frank drew the short straw, so he had to play the herpes virus at the county fair.

Best of dub
Sorry kid, the card says "Moops".

Best of Vinney
The Salute to Hemorrhoids float was a crowd pleaser at last year's Key West Fantasy Festival.

Best of Army of Dad
The off off Broadway remake of Independence Day had its faults, but it did have Jeff Goldbloom.

Friday, May 07, 2010

The Singing Cow

Brender

1. "Look Bessie! Ashton Kutcher had a yard sale. I bought his bong. It'll be great once I wash the Demi Moore smell out."

2. The romantic alpenhorn music did nothing to ease Bessie's first night in Enumclaw.

3. Wesley Crusher's "Swiss Cow-Tipping" Holodeck program was one of the many reasons the Enterprise crew hated him as much as the fans did.

4. In a meadow near Flagstaff, illegal immigrant Diego Hernandez thinks his clever disguise will thwart the border police.

5. Seeing the artificial insemination device for the first time, Bessie panics.

Best of Vinney
"And in the latest news on Wall Street, Ricola has just bought Laughting Cow Cheese."

Best of David
"Ri-cow-la!!"

Best of curly
♪ The hills are alive with the sound of moo-ing
With bongs the size of a cowhand’s spears
Methane farts fill the air with the sound of moo-ing
Mozart would rip out his ears. ♫

Best of Army of Dad
dub flashes back to Thursday.

Best of Rodney Dill
The horn blower was outstanding in his field.

Threadwinner: jj
Keith Olberman flashes back to his college days.

Best of Festivus
Pioneer Days in Enumclaw: Huffing Marigolds and Taking Turns on Bessie.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Val Kilmer tries to relive his breakout roles, Part One.

Best of Submariner
Mythbusters be damned, Adolf and Bessie prove the reality of "the brown note."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Wilhelm hated the daily chore of blowing the wax out of grandpa's hearing aid almost as much as he hated watching grandpa do much the same thing to his pet, Gertruda.

Job for a Cowboy

Brender
1. When will the New Village People stop holding auditions and finally tour?

2. Unfortunately, Fatima's decision to invite a stripper to her combination eight-grade-graduation/bachelorette party would lead to the honor killing of her entire class.

3. It's easy to stop the last few Bush holdovers in the State Department.

4. So, two cowboys, a Kabuki dancer, and 13 Muslim women walk into a bar... stop me if you've heard this before.

5. These non-denominational churches are just too weird for me.

Best of MKK
Nooooo dadblammit!!! I said the sheriff's a sand n****r!!!

Best of curly
To spice up after-life sex in paradise with his 72 virgins, former suicide bomber Abdrool’s role acting usually gravitates to that of gangsters or robbers.

Best of dub
Quit screwing around and fix my computer!

Best of Army of Dad
Very nice George Bush costume Achmed.

Best of Vinney
The uninformed Muslim crowd yelled, "Hey Slim, the burka goes on your head not your mouth."

Best of metalgarth
Demand was really high for the world's first Inflatable Pakistan Cowboy

Best of Submariner
"Blowing up the inflatable cowboy" held an entirely different meaning to Achmed the Jihadi...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"I'm an old cowhand, from the Rio Grande" - despite later success in Startrek and Stargate Atlantis, Robert Picardo's 20 Iraqi fans always ask for a reprise of Cowboy.

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Acmed thought he found a loophole...for while the Koran bans gays, it does not seem to ban gay cowboys.

Best of Submariner
Minutes later, Betty White busted down the door, kicked ass, and DIDN'T take names.

Best of Matt the K
Threats aside, the local Taliban Sheriff could not scare the villagers into giving up the location of the elusive Orange Ceiling Snake.

Best of Matt the K
"Ahmed Wesley Hardin was so mean, he once shot a man just for bathing"

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

When Jeans Beg For Mercy

Blondie

1. "Ennui has a better grasp of me than even that of those jeans on your ass."

2. When dub became Supreme Leader, the concentration camps were grim indeed.

3. "Chevron One encoded..." Jenny's ass was big enough to fit an entire Stargate in her pocket.

4. "And the weakest member of the herd is quickly queefed into submission by the larger, more powerful lesbians."

5. The MSM would describe the meeting of Charlie Crist supporters as "large and enthusiastic." They were half right.

Best of Targetpractice
And here, we get a behind the scenes look at the drafting of the new Financial Reform bill.

Best of dub
Prince had a huge hit on his hands when he released "This is what it sounds like, when the seams cry".

Best of Vinney
After an exhaustive day of shopping at the mall, Tracey was administered the last rites at the Food Court.

Best of curly
Caution: Side effects of the Obama Kool-Aid may include malaise, attraction to the same sex, unpatriotic feelings, white guilt, and feelings of victimhood.

Best of Army of Dad
"...and that makes me a sad lesbo"

Best of GregMan
Figuring out how to butcher the kill and divide up the meat was always a problem for the Wellesley Undergraduate Cannibal Association.

Best of dadoctah
I don't know about the rest of you, but whenever I look at TV Guide I really miss Aaron Spelling.

Best of mega
The AP write-up: A "large, enthusiastic crowd of Coffee Partiers descended on Seattle this morning," leading to "an overwhelming sense that the Obama agenda is still on track and favored by a wildly huge cross-section of the electorate, young and old, fat and fatter, female and bi, depressed and suicidal."

Best of Submariner
"Seriously, dub. You'll like her - great personality and a wonderful sense of humor."

Best of Spin
Doreen,Trigger wants his saddlebags back.

Best of Jack Reacher
If Dub became a suicide bomber "Welcome to the afterlife, Dub. Here are your virgins."

Best of Mr. Hankey
American History 101 - A picture of life before Obama, when things just weren't as wonderful and rosy as they are today.

Best of sonicfrog
Poor Roseanna Arquette, she's certainly fallen on hard times.

Best of Dactyl
It was the 25th anniversary of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and the pants really wished they hadn't come.

How to tell when you're really really stoned

Matt

1. What critics took for performance art was actually just Yoko Ono's advancing senility.

2. Um, mom... none of those things is actually going to help your glaucoma.

3. Tonight on the E! Celebrity Cautionary Example: Margaret Cho.

4. Ming Lee was beginning to suspect her optometrist was a quack.

5. "Keith Olbermann makes so much more sense when you're on mescaline."

Best of Submariner
7:23 am, teacher's lounge, Ward Churchill Elementary.

Best of curly
My new crack-goggles and -earphones make watching CNN a snap!

Best of Mr Hankey
New White House interns are having to be even more inventive with their use of cigars.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Blow it out your ear!"

Best of dub
Sadly this seems to be one of the few ways we get to see a smoking woman on here.

Best of Double the U
...and with that Gertrude became the oldest member of the sorority.

Best of Army of Dad
♪.."Smoking in the nail salon and they are smoking in the laundry too"..♪

Best of Matt the K
George Michael was a bit disappointed when his Google search for "Smokin' hot nuts in the eye, fag in the ear" came up with this.


Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Flipper the Baby Daddy

Matt

1. Combining the progressive left's two biggest fetishes --- sea mammals and abortions --- Sea World made a fortune.

2. The ObamaCare Federal Health Care Board determined that billions could be saved by replacing ultrasounds with dolphin encounters.

3. Flipper enjoyed the woman's attention, but Dubber wouldn't go anywhere near her.

4. "Don't be afraid, Thing, it's just a friendly dolphin."

5. ORA: "Fa find Bea. Make Bea pay Child Support now!"


Best of dub
Flipper thought bubble "hey... her crotch smells like my cousin".

Best of Submariner
Flipper was confused; he had done the trick perfectly - why was the trainer not giving him that succulent herring she was obviously hiding?

Best of Jay Guevara
"Was your pregnancy an accident?"
"No. I did it on porpoise."

Best of dadoctah
Teaching Smiley to knock a beach-ball into the air with his snout turned out to have unfortunate consequences.

Best of GregMan
Psychiatrists never figured out why, but Becky's son's fear of fish, men with long noses, and water never left him as long as he lived.

Best of Double the U
Fat, pregnant, fat, fat, fat, pregnant, fat... those highly intelligent dolphins guessed correctly every time.

Best of Submariner
Mrs. Paul? Nooooooooooooooooo!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Baby's First Words - "Will someone answer the damn phone? Make the ringing stop!"

Best of curly
"What is it Flipper? You say Obama’s purposely destroying the nation’s economy by the quantitative easing of his massive national debt spending in order to create Weimar Republic styled hyper inflation, so that we might all become enslaved to a new socialist One World government?”

Aztecs? More like Ass Techs

Nice Deb

1. Mom went out of her way to support Bruce's "coming out." Dad... not so much.

2. "It's important to celebrate our noble Aztec heritage. Now, help me saw out this kid's heart before Quetzalcoatl is angered."

3. "Charo's birthday is a very important holiday in our culture. Not that you breeders would understand."

4. I still don't get the appeal of Glee.

5. "... and if Army of Mom shows up in this outfit, I will scratch her eyes out!"

Best of Vinney
Excuse me? I'm a bit confused. Is this the Amnesty or Gay Pride Parade?

Best of dub
Sign in background: "Iron my maxtlatl bitch"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Bruce's parents finally realized why they had no grandchildren

Threadwinner: Jay Guevara
Gal in white: " I _told_ you not to steer the motorcycle through the parrot enclosure. But did you listen? Nooooooo!"

Best of Army of Dad
Every year thousands of feather boas are ripped apart so they can have their May Day costumes.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"It's so good to be here among normal people, not like those whackos over at the Tea Party protest. What a bunch of weirdos those guys are!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Nobody is illegal? Girlfriend, that outfit is right on the line.

Best of Submariner
Suddenly, inspiration slapped Johnny Weir regarding an ensemble for his next ice-dancing campaign.

Best of Submariner
Sorry, musta been a typo on the order. We had you down for a "half dozen smelly parrot hoofers."

Best of Matt the Kostume
"I'm sorry honey, I thought the ad said show us your *conch* and balls."
Mr. & Mrs. Ixpalatl make a hasty retreat from the Flashdance SF parade.