Eye to Eye

Brender

1. Vern Troyer meets the Safe Schools Czar.

2. "Suddenly, I'm craving a tuna fish sandwich."

3. "Oh, crap, it's the Arizona Police. Where can I hide? Where can I hide? What around here could possibly be large enough and well-used enough for me to hide my entire midget body in?"

4. The Republican Party recruits Wee Man.

5. "Colombia!" "Correct!" And with that answer, Wee Man completely shutout Wolf Blitzer on Celebrity Identify the National Flags Strippers Shorts Resemble.

Best of metalgarth
Yoda was a little different in Samuel L. Broncowitz's "Teenaged Jedi Knights In Trouble"

Best of dub
Carl the Tranny was nuts over Verne Troyer.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Eminem: The Early Years. You know, when he could still get laid.

Best of Double the U
"Red Dwarf" the most vile porn parody ever produced.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Must. Not. Make. Eye. Contact. With. It....

Best of blue
I go up on broads.

Best of curly
“Something smells fishy here” became the catchphrase from the new hit show “Dick Small, the Small Private Dick”.

Best of curly
“Cut! Get a painter out here pronto who knows how to spell BUCKAKE, dammit!”

Best of curly
What is it you cuhnt face?

Best of GregMan
I understand the midget. I understand the babe. But why is Nikolai Bukharin's name on the wall?

Best of stan porq
Mini Vin Diesel's version of Triple X.

The Hills Are Alive

Brender

1. "Surprise!"

2. "What is it you can't face?" is even more hilarious in an East Indian accent.

3. "Rajiv, Sreenidhi, Sanjay, Pradesh... have I ever told you guys how fabulous you look in lavender!"

4. Bollywood's take on Children of the Corn was definitely more exuberant than the original.

5. "It's fun to stay at the Y-M-H-A..."

Best of curly
Obama’s perception the Taliban differed somewhat from that of General McChrystal.

Best of HLam
The inhabitants of Bora-Bora recreate M.C. Hammers "Can't touch this" to which I reply "DON'T WANT TO!"

Best of andthenblammo!
Obama's new Federal Land Use Authority investigates wheat yields in Kansas. Laugh all you want to, but this little junket cost the taxpayers $5,256,356.00, not including the yak. Don't ask about the yak.

Best of andthenblammo!
It's all over, folks. America's finished. 'Up With People' has been outsourced to Kashmir.

Best of dub
"Glee - The Pakistan Edition" was a huge disappointment.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
To the surprise and delight of everyone involved, the road company of "Jersey Boys" was a big hit in Azerbaijan.

Best of GregMan
Vista programmers celebrate getting the latest Service Pack out the door.

Best of mega
"This is the Maricopa County Police Department. Put. Your. Hands. Up. Now."

Best of Passionate Conservative
Dumbasses! You don't do the wave for a suicide bomber!

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Raji and the Karma Kameleons" were quickly slapped with a copyright infringement lawsuit by Boy George.

Best of Submariner
So. When did Ang Lee start directing The Wiggles?"

Best of dadoctah
"Freebird!"

Best of molson
Well we're not going to get laid wearing these ridiculous outfits so we might as well just jump up and down like Tinky Winky on meth.

Heidi Is Your Thursday Babe

This is Heidi, Say Hello Heidi

Check Out the Hottie

Brender

1. "Wait! Anna Nicole-Simpson gets to go to the beach and we have to service some jackass suicide bomber with 70 other virgins? This afterlife sucks."

2. "I don't know, Fatima. I think Neil Patrick Harris looks quite fetching."

3. "Yeah, right, just try getting a suicide belt past the Zionist Border Guards in that ensemble."

4. "Oh, Fatima! This is the bestest lesbian resort ever!"

5. "Remind me again why in the name of Allah we came to Vegas."


Best of Adriane
Wearing white before Memorial Day!!! Can you imagine?

Best of Submariner
ORA: I wonder if they'll try to post a YouTube video saying they were only trying to help her after she fell on the steps?

Best of curly
"Did you here a whistling sound?"

Best of dadoctah
And now the updated version of "Harper Valley PTA".

Threadwinner: mpur
Look, Fatima, another earthquake whore!

Best of Spin
There may be something to Boobquake 'cause jelly doesn't shake like that.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I'd give my gold Rolex to flash my thighs in public like that.
Not me! My thighs have enough cottage cheese to make a goat milk salesman drool with envy.

Best of Rodney Dill
The Saudi version of "What Not To Wear" only lasted until the first beheading.

Best of dub
You know Fatima, the other day I was *KABOOOOOOOM*

Best of curly
ATFSBEVE (And Then Fatima’s Suicide Bomber Exploding Vest Exploded)

Girls WIth Guns

Brender
1. Bill Clinton finally got the Gaddafi-like bodyguard squad of his dreams.

2. "Our pants pulled up, our bras pulled tight, Our boobs are swingin' from left to right."

3. Now, that's what I call feminine protection.

4. "Angels, I need you to go undercover and assassinate that Marxist bastard in Venezuela..." RIP, Charlie.

5. Dub's bodyguards had only one rule, "Shoot the fat chicks."

Best of dadoctah
So this is the new Robert Palmer video we've been hearing so much about.

Best of jeff
Jacob Zuma's wives participate in ritual pre-husband slaying sing-along.

Best of Submariner
Understanding previous victory celebrations, and in honor of a first round win, Detroit outfits a crack police squad in Red Wings colors...

Best of Passionate Conservative
The drill sergeant screamed "Snap tight!" and all the girls' mouths popped open.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
While marching pass the reviewing stand, only some of the newly formed, out of step Mogadishu Fellatrix Squad remembered to salute the mayor.

Best of Jack Reacher
Citgo's new marketing campaign didn't exactly send the right message.

Best of Steve O
Arizona adds a little flair to their executions.

Threadwinner: dadoctah
With the resurgence of the right wing, the whole tone of "Glee" changed dramatically.

Best of Spin
Chalk faced whores need not apply.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Man, Southwest Airlines is getting really strict with their flight attendants....

While I Try to Get Some Captions Up

Spend a few seconds with the rude, potty-mouthed nun from The Sound of Music.

Hail the Axe Effect!

Sonic Frog


1. "Guys, the game was over 20 minutes ago. I'm not interested!"

2. "Stop Ben Roethlisburgering me!"

3. "Damn it, Ricardo, let go! I don't have a green card for you!" (ATDHE)

4. "Damn there's a lot of dog turds on the pitch. This must be France."

5. The team braced themselves against the awesome power of M'Chel's queefs.

Best of curly
In other news, authorities captured the last tax paying straight white male left in California as he made a mad dash to the Nevada border.

Best of curly
“Quit running, you denier! Just think what your elevated CO2 levels are doing to the polar bears!”

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
I've got 'em, Tom! But his heart and mind aren't following!

Best of Submariner
Maybe it's just me, but I don't get the Brit version of the Lingerie Bowl...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Reportedly confiscated from Vatican rectory, filed under training videos - Accolyte's Gone Wild, Part 2 - Daisy Chains, U R Doing It Rong. Rated R

Best of Passionate Conservative
Charles enjoys time away from his Seminary studies.

Best of Rodney Dill
"We'll get a harumph from you yet."

Best of GregMan
"Stop him before he says 'Muhammed' again!!!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"But sir, our rates are the lowest in the land!" Both Brian and James were determined to make their sales quota for the month.

We Don't Got Bananas Let the MF Burn

1. "I'd throw my feces at the firemen, but that would just confirm the stereotype."

2. "You were right. The role-playing really did put the fire back in our relationship." "Shut up, Greg."

3. Sarah Jessica Parker finds a way to make herself presentable in public.

4. "Hey, Greg. What starts with 'F' and ends in 'u-c-k?' Firetruck! Ha! I kill me. Let's smoke some weed."

5. "Well, if he didn't want his house burned down, Dr. Zaius shouldn't have messed with the MS-13."

Best of sonicfrog
Rockers Gorillas and Kid Rock see a few sites before opening their tour in Hampton.

Best of curly
“What happened, Mrs. Obama?”
“Dawn’s head really exploded this time, thanks to the insensitive captions posted by some chalk faced, racist, xenophobic, gun toting, bible clinging, homophobic, mean spirited, anti- hope and change, teabagging cracker just like you.”

Best of Submariner
Dawn and her date show up for the Hampton Roads Old Navy fire sale.

Best of dadoctah
Fireman, panhandler, gorilla...the lineup for "Village People: The Next Generation" is really starting to come together.

Best of HLam
"Get away from me you damn dirty ape." Vic's attempt to join the volunteer fire dept. failed because of his insensitivity to minorities.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Hey, you humans live in houses with bars, too. Ironic."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston

Best of Rodney Dill
"So you couldn't pull him outta the fire?"
"No opposable thumbs dude."

Threadwinnner: Matt the K
Skeeter & KoKo wonder what the hell they sposed to do now, since their Meth-Lab-slash-Petting-Zoo done blowed up.

Best of dadoctah
Lately it seems like Jay and Silent Bob are just phoning it in.

Golan Globus

Brender

1. "Nope, Malia, that's not Indiana. Try again."

2. "And all the 7-11 employees come from here." Just another Geography class at Joe Biden Middle School.

3. "Hey! Look, I'm molesting India!"

4. "And this part of the scratch-n-sniff globe smells like curry and raw sewage."

5. "And here is where I capped Carmen Sandiego. Any of you b-tches wanna f-ck with me now."


Best of dadoctah
"Persia? Babylonia? Cathay?! Who the hell sent us this globe?"

Best of Submariner
Excellent, Fatimah - that is INDEED the center of US manufacturing!

Best of molson
The 57th state is finally located.

Best of blue
...here is where I was born and when I grow up I want to be president of the USA

Threadwinner: dub
Fatima distracts the crowd by putting a red dot on India, while her cohorts put shaving cream on peoples heads.

Best of dub
And here is the crowded market where I will explode myself.

Best of Jack Reacher
"...and because infidels dwell here, it is known as the House of War. Any questions?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"You know, it's hard to point to a country that doesn't have nuclear weapons or an active program to acquire them. Weird, huh?"

Best of sonicfrog
Well, she knows her way around a globe.... obviously NOT educated in America.

Best of curly
“No sweetie, that’s India. The madrassa that Obama attended as a child your age was in Indonesia.”

Best of mega
"...and the Jews can live right here, in little boats, off the coast, where they can't harm anybody with their wily ways." Anybody still doubting Obama's personal influence on global opinion?

Best of Passionate Conservative
And this is where your jobs all went. Thank you, President Hussein!

Best of GregMan
"...and here is where Microsoft Vista came from."

Best of mega
"I heard the South Park guys live right ....... here! Everyone go off and kill them."

Best of molson
Wow. With all the people here, I sure hope we don't flip over.

Bride of Obamastein

Brender


1. As the Pres introduces the First Lady, Arnold runs off screaming "Get to duh choppah!'"

2. Marge Simpson has a half sister? Who knew?

3. "You got some schmutz on your face there, darling."

4. "No, you dah man!"

5. "Ah, my lovely beard... I mean wife! Wife!"

Best of Vinney
"Love your pancakes, baby."

Best of mpur
Having run out of available furniture, M'Chel has resorted to stealing hotel shower curtains and towels to create her wardrobe.

Best of Jay Guevara
"What am I bid for this sturdy Negress, with wide-hips perfect for child-bearing?"

Best of dadoctah
"You take the blonde; I'll take the one in the turban."

Best of Submariner
HO-LY CRAP! It's the Bride of Franken... er, ummm
Hello, M'Chel. You look wonderful tonight...

Best of molson
When did kankles start at the neck?

Best of Adriane
Honestly, Massa Barack, Sir ... I don't know nothin' bout birth no babies!

Best of Jack Reacher
"Aren't you Uncle Ben's wife?" ATDHE

Best of curly
“Speaking of undocumented workers, President Obama visited California today…”

Best of Jay Guevara
"Hey, I love your pancake syrup!"

Best of dadoctah
"Say, doesn't Army of Mom have that outfit?"

Threadwinner: Uchuck the Tuchuck
BlunderTwin powers, activate! Shape of...a clean and articluate Negro! Form of...a petulant, angry Liberal!

No Wait, *This* Is Teh Threadwinner: Wesley M.
Proving again the reason behind her stellar record of precognitive accuracy, Miss Cleo sees a banner day for Democrats this November!

Caturday BW

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
ORA: "I am pleased to report that the rumors of cannibalism in the Royal Navy are almost entirely unfounded."

Best of dub
You'll never believe what I bought in Thailand for $3....

Best of Submariner
You really CAN find anything for sale in Subic Bay.

Best of Submariner
Dawn took me to Old Navy and said the price on this one was a steal!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Halfway across the Channel, Seaman Jones realized he'd picked up the wrong dufflebag.

Best of Spin
One year old Tara was not the "apple of her father's eye". Nor the fruit of his loins.

Best of GregMan
"So, luv, I've been off to sea for fourteen months, and this is my 3-month-old son, and... hang on a sec."

Best of Rodney Dill
Anchor? I don't even know her.

It's Complicated

Hat Tip: Moonbattery

1. "So, is anybody but the Asian kid still with me on this?"

2. "And so, it is mathematically demonstrated that there is no god. So, you might as well just whore your life away in a blur of booze, drugs, and meaningless hookups."

3. Explaining Russian verb tenses can get rather complicated.

4. "And so, you see, no one is more than three degrees of separation from sleeping with Charlie Sheen."

5. "And so now you see how the Illuminati control the Federal Reserve. Okay, on Thursday, I'll show you how the CIA introduced crack into Black Communities." The University of Chicago regretted hiring Van Jones as a Guest Lecturer.

Best of Rodney Dill
"42"

Best of mega
Unfortunately, as many at FOX suspected, if you get Beck a bigger blackboard, he's just going to find more connections between Obama supporters and donors until it's all filled up again.

Best of dadoctah
One of Pastor Melissa Scott's proteges goes out into the world....

Best of metalgarth
...and thus explains the "illegal defense" rule and why "travelling" is almost never called in the NBA. I can't make it any simpler than that.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Universal Healthcare Reimbursement Process

Best of Silhouette
"And if that doesn't work, I just pick the dog that poops on the way to the starting gate. He's gotta be faster, right?"

Best of Submariner
"Anyone? Anyone? Buehler?"

Best of Submariner
"... and thus, the relative likelihood for AoM to own any slutty outfit displayed approaches a 1:1 ratio. Questions?"

Best of racerboy
"The remainder of the proof is left as an exercise for the reader."

Best of Targetpractice
ORA: "...And so by process of elimination we can determine that the electron tastes like grape-ade."

Best of Rodney Dill
"...and that pretty much explains why none of you will ever attract mates."

Threadwinner: Jay Guevara
"So, let's see the deniers find the decline _now_."

Assistant Threadwinner: Best of GregMan
It's never a good idea to ask John Derbyshire "What do you mean by that?"

Best of GregMan
James Lileks explains the latest breakdown of the Oak Island Water Feature.

Kiss the Corpse

1. After the McAfee crash, this was all that remained of my vast collection of Filipino necro pron.

2. You think this is bad, you should have seen Obama dry-humping Lenin's corpse at the Kremlin.

3. The coffin was sealed, so why Marcos's watch was missing after the encounter was anyone's guess.

4. "And M'Chel gave me a fly pair of $700 sneakers."

5. Imelda was proud of her first place ribbon in the 4-H Corpse decorating competition.

Best of Vinney
The really sick thing was Imelda Marcos wanted the Ace of Cakes to make an edible copy anatomically correct.

Best of dadoctah
The "Great Moments With Mr Marcos" exhibit at Disney Manila opens to the public on Monday. Bring the kids.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Greatest Practical Jokes Ever, #8216: Ferdinand waited until she drew close, then opened his eyes and yelled, "SURPRISE!"

Best of Submariner
...and this is your brain on X. Any questions?

Best of Targetpractice
Weirdest damn coffee table I've ever seen...

Best of blue
I kiss dead people

Best of Submariner
I've seen this one before; Dopey keeps running around to get another kiss goodbye...

Best of dub
worst.realdoll.ever.

She Has No Soul, But Who Cares?

Scrubbing Bubbles

Making the rounds...

As seen on Moonbattery, Free Republic, and Hot Air..


1. I can't stop thinking of Donkey Kong.

2. VP Biden celebrates finally breaking triple digits on his IQ test.

3. ORA: " I WANNA GO TO HAWAII! I WANNA GO TO HAWAII! YAAAAAAAY!"

4. "Est ist die Zeit fur Rache! Wir mussen die Juden Ausrotten!"

5. And the Kobe landed one square on his forehead and Joe Biden had to wear that expression for the rest of his life.

Threadwinner: Army of Dad
"I am cornholio, I need TP for my bunghole!"

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Ten seconds after the midget hooker opened the secret door in the podium

Best of curly
Up next on “America’s Dirtiest Jobs”: Smokin’ Joe Biden explains to give Rosie O’Donnell a gynecology exam.

Best of Rodney Dill
"ich bin ein big wiener."

Best of blue
...only a heartbeat away!

Other Threadwinner: Rodney Dill
(OJA) "SERENITY NOW!!!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Not saying he's slow, but Biden only just realized he and O won the election.

Best of Submariner
Kaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhnnnnnnn!

Best of Submariner
I may not be able to SAY "myocardial infarction" but I KNOW when I'm having one, dammit.

Best of sonicfrog
ORA: Dammit! First "Clash of the Titans", then "Real Genius". Are they remaking "Police Academy" too????

Best of Stoo
Biden wis 1st, 2nd and 3rd place with his Wayne Rodgers impersonates Carol Channing impersonation.

Gentlemen's Club Day Care

1. Take Your Child to Work Day goes horribly awry.

2. "If only those children were on fire, this would be perfect," mused an intoxicated Janet Reno.

3. Episcopal Church potlucks ain't what they used to be.

4. Day Care at Hillary's State Department.

5. "She's making a T. T is for Titties!" It's never too early to start learning.

Best of Rodney Dill
I didn't know that Octomom had taken up pole dancing.

Best of Submariner
While Tiffany danced the pole, Jessica pooped out another on the stage.

Best of Wesley M.
After moving to San Francisco from Topeka, new mother Pamela discovers Head Start isn't quite what she expected...

Best of mpur
Thing 1 and Thing 2 enjoy some well deserved down time.
Not pictured: Cat in the Hat with Ho in the Lap.

Best of curly
Vowing that he will never again visit a lesbian bondage-themed nightclub, embattled Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele opts for tamer ‘family friendly’ girly venues.

Best of GregMan
Field trips in President Soetero's Pre-K Sex Ed classes were about what you would expect.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Abandoned Russian orphans hit the streets in order to survive.

Best of Double the U
The diaper dances are available in the formula room.

Best of Steve O
Lucky bastards. I wasn't even allowed IN strip joints until I was four.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Applications for Erlene's Pole Dance classes soared when her How Babysitters Can Triple Their Tips! ad began running in local high school papers.

Free For All

Or, What You Will...

Best of andthenblammo!
"Damn, woman, that ain't a waistline, it's an equator! I swear I see a blue shift as gravity bends around yo' ass! Baseball mascots shake less when they walk! I bet when you unzip your pants I can hear calliope music and the ringmaster announcing the next act! I found out you're visible on Google Earth! I hear the funeral home has an environmental land-use impact statement on file in your prepaid burial plan! I'm sure under all that fat there's a nice girl; maybe two or three nice girls! Last time I saw so much fat Costco was having a pallet sale on Crisco!"

Puffy practices some tough love on a friend with weight issues.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Ummph! Thanks, baby, that undescended testicle always bothered me"

Best of Submariner
Coming to a theatre near you this May, Wesley Snipes reprises his role in "Blade Rumper IV: Fatback on the Hoof."

Best of Jay Guevara
A brother helps to fight hunger in America.

Best of Passionate Conservative
"Honey, I'm stuck, can you unclench for a second?"

Threadwinner: Son Of The Godfather
...And then Dawn's ass exploded.

Best of mega
ORA "Give me that award, bitch. OK people, I just want to say, Oprah or Rosie O'Donnel deserved this award more."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
David Attenborough whispers: Wait for it... the male gorilla is about to scream, "Help me unstick my pee diddly from the junk in this elephant's trunk!"

Best of Double the U
It is good to see Whitney has finally kicked that coke habit.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I din't mean Beyonce' was the best, I'z meant bouncy was the best."

Best of Vinney
Recently while clubbing, Oprah and Steadman prove that Kitty Kelly's book is a pack of lies.

Best of dub
ATDHE (and then dubs head exploded)

Best of Steve O
P Diddy. So far, not breaking any stereotypes...

Topher Grace at Home

1. "Someday, Tink-Tink, I'll be the Safe Schools Czar and make all of those mean boys pay!"

2. "Just a few more curls, precious, then we'll make the fat girl in the pit rub the lotion on her skin."

3. And a gaydar signature like that of a fleet of B-52s looks like this...

4. ORA: "Cocaine. Have you ever f--ked on cocaine, Nick? It's nice."

5. When the Justin Bieber video came on, Cha-Cha got a "magic elevator" ride.

Best of divine miss m
He's surprisingly well-adjusted for a guy whose mother keeps a pumpkin in a bassinet.

Best of GregMan
Turns out the guy who heckled the Holy One about "Don't ask, don't tell" was in the K-9 Corps.

Best of Submariner
Don't be jealous because I've been chatting online with bears, er, babes, all day...

Best of Submariner
GOGGIE STYLZ: UR DUIN IT RONG

Best of Army of Dad
The Hot Tub Time Machine brought Mitch forward from the 80's where he promptly turned metrosexual.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Damn chihuahuas shake so much, kind gettin' me goin...

Threadwinner: Double the U
ORA: The Sabotage vice squad.

Spear and Magic Beer Gut

1. "Back off, Dub! She's mine!"

2. "Do NOT come between us and an 'All You Can Eat' Buffet."

3. Lance Bass has really let himself go. Dunno who the other dude is."

4. The People of Walmart Community Theater presents The Pirates of Penzance!

5. The episode where Dan and Roseanne Conner posed for boudoir photography is only shown very, very late on Cinemax.

Best of Vinney
After Tom defended Jennie's honor, they made passionate love and oddly there was an earthquake in Haiti.

Best of GregMan
"Back off, dragon! You eat her and your cholesterol will go through the roof!"

Best of Submariner
No sir; I do NOT agree that we had "ALL we can eat." Now step away from the desert bar and no one gets hurt.

Best of metalgarth
Big 'Uns Magazine presents: "Models who live on a diet of Big 'Uns sandwiches"

Best of Wesley M.
June 2010 centerfold for Live Action Role Players Monthly.

Best of Barco Sin Vela II
Phallic imagery: FAIL

Best of Army of Dad
Romance novel covers just aren't what they used to be.

Best of racerboy
Dub rests his case.

Best of Steve O
Sometimes, people just find each other.

Best of dadoctah
Imagine a world where WoW characters look like their RL players....

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Backstage at the Ozzy Osbourne Reality Show, as Rob & Kelly prepare for another gratuitous shower scene.

Best of Adjustah
Mark Hamill's kids grew up with a lot of "issues"...

Best of Rodney Dill
Biggest Loser of Gor

Best of mpur
And then Dub's head exploded....

Best of curly
A swinger clinger with a stinger. Next on “Oprah!”

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
I am John Carter, Jedak of Jedaks and warlo...hey you gonna eat that?

Best of mega
Before the CGI and effects were added, the actors in "300" weren't really a lot different than average, everyday people.


Best of Spin
♫♪Lowered Expectations ♪♫♫♪♫

Pleasant Dreams

1. Strangely enough, he dreamed of licking a lemon lollipop in a blond wig.

2. After puncturing his inflatable rubber cowboy, Jake makes do as best he can.

3. "We've replaced this corpse's 'Tibetan Book of the Dead' with an Ann Coulter screed, let's see if his eternal soul notices."

4. "Dear Penthouse, I never believed your letter were real until this happened to me at a CPAC convention..."

5. "I've got your carbon emissions right here... between my sheets."

You call this Arugula?

blue
1. "Why does everybody start yelling 'Get to da choppah!" whenever I approach?

2. "Don't you turn your back on me you... oh, never mind."

3. "Is that supposed to be a dress? It looks like the curtains in my bathroom. Can I have it?"

4. "You're right, this wilted little pale dangling thing does remind me of Barack."

5. "Yes, M'Chel, the urban gardens idea was wonderful. It's so much better than having a job and being able to purchase groceries."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Look, just one last little bit of liberal integrity... now how the f**k can we exploit it?"

Best of curly
How much arugula are argumentative gorillas arguing over if argumentative gorillas are arguing over arugula? Argumentative gorillas are arguing over lots of arugula if argumentative gorillas are arguing over arugula.

Best of dub
Yessem...dis from da community garden. Just chop it up, roll it up and den you kin smokes it up. Sweet ganja... for you, $10 a bag.

Best of GregMan
"I told you peasants to get off my lawn. Now you shall face the consequences!"

Best of Jay Guevara
Michelle: "I just wanted to compliment your wife on her fashion sense. I'd like to get that outfit to wear to the next posthumous awarding of a Medal of Honor."

Best of Wesley M.
"Have you seen the price we can get for this arugula?"

Best of Matt the K
"No, ma'am I'm not a Pygmy. Are you a Zulu?"

Best of dadoctah
Is the world really ready for a big-screen version of Green Acres?

Best of Submariner
Tonight on Roots: Episode XIV: Kunta Kinte tries to reason with a Big House negress, but gets nowhere fast.

Best of jj
See, I told you that the dried brains of white, teabagging children made excellent fertilizer.

Best of curly
I can't help myself, so here goes: "Garden ho".
OK, I said it and yes,I feel bad...Bad!...Bad!

Best of Vinney
Worried about her deportation Michelle finds Barry's Aunt Zeituni a "green" job on her plantation in Chicago.

Threadwinner: Passionate Conservative
Don't you little f*ckers know what a dime bag is?

Weekend Free For All

"Mom! Slash got drunk and broke into our room again."

Best of Double the U
No Uncle Hal I don't want to see your little tinkerbell, you're drunk, Go away.

Best of Festivus
Johnny Depp stars as "Chip" in the Brodway musical, "My Three Sons."

Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: "I think I'm gonna get drunk and go beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?"

Best of sonicfrog
Why they don't let the Pope drink....

Best of David
"When I said we should get some hookers and blow, this isn't what I had in mind..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Don't tell me it's your bedtime, you little snots. Your hic Cap'n is about to blow chunks, so point me downwind fast hic or you lads are going to swallow more ABC gum than a rat in a carnival. URP

Threadwinner: Spin
MOM! Smelly pirate hooker is trying to get to our semen again.

Best of curly
Obama’s ‘Bedtime Story Czar’ isn’t half as scary as his Schools or Green Jobs czars.

Best of Vinney
Kevin Jennings asks some skeptical boys to help him scratch his balls since he has a hook for a hand.

Best of dadoctah
Stay tuned for more of the Keith Richards Christmas Special.

Classic Witch

1. Pelosi and Hillary, shown here at a 1962 meeting of the Berkeley chapter of 'Satan's Whores.'

2. "Could you turn down the air conditioning a little? It's cold as one of our teats in here."

3. "A is for Antagonist. Endora is Darren's antagonist." Early 1960's attempts to combine pop culture and education had mixed results. Some kids learned to read, while others became hardcore Wiccans."

4. Durwood bringing home the 'Home Depot' account was the beginning of that company's long, dark slide into pure evil.

5. "Do these ladders make our butts look big?"

Best of Passionate Conservative
Look! I shat a ladder!

Best of Jay Guevara
"I can see Russia from up here!"

Best of curly
“The lumpen proletariat look like ants from up here!”…”Those aren’t members of the working class that will never achieve class consciousness and are therefore worthless in the context of the Obama/Pelosi/Reed revolutionary struggle. They’re ants, you witch.”

Best of Jack Reacher
When the mechanic said "Let's get you up on a lift and take a look at that rear end," he didn't know they'd take him quite so literally.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Despite an angry chorus of toads croaking outside the BEWITCHED Home Improvements' showroom, the Better Business Bureau has received no complaints over their claim to be able to fingerpaint entire rooms in under 30-seconds.

Best of Festivus
Charles Nelson Riley's worst nightmare.

Best of Adriane
... members of the Church of Ladder Day Saints, I take it ...

Best of GregMan
Luckily, Samantha and Endora had a backup plan after their flight to Paris was grounded by the volcano.

Threadwinner: James McEnanly
In 1967,Thorton Wilder wrote an episode of Bewitched, while filmed, was never aired

Best of Rodney Dill
"C'mon, York or Sargent, quit Dickin' around."

Spot the Pony

Pundit and Pundette

1. Cruella de Vil needs some seat covers for her Trans Am.

2. Flicka was always coy when discussing that night she spent at the firehouse.

3. ORA: "None of you horses seem to understand! I'm not locked in here with you. You're locked in here with *ME*! "

4. No one could figure out why Frank Marshall Davis insisted on riding the half-white, half-black little pony.

5. Michael J Fox's scheme to paint white horses with stripes and sell them as zebras was fatally flawed from the get-go.

Best of Army of Dad
Looks like Sarah Jessica Parker had some jungle fever.

Best of Vinney
National Velvet was desparate and agreed to go on Maury to find out "Who's the Daddy?".

Best of Rodney Dill
Frau Blucher had a Cruella D'Ville complex.

Best of mpur
Such an adorable little baby. Too bad he'll grow up to destroy the country.

Best of curly
What’s black and white and rode all over? Barack Hussein Obama, by his SEIU/George Soros/Goldman Saks/Saul Alinsky/Maoist/amerikka-hating cohorts.

Best of Festivus
They called him "Lucky" until he met the chupacabra.

iPad uPad weallPad for iPad

Sonic Frog

1. "64 GB is just barely enough to contain my collection of amputee midget pron."

2. "Look, honey, I bought a new cat toy."

3. "According to WebMD, the growth on my chin is non-malignant."

4. "It's the ObamaPad. It contains all of his speeches on a continuous loop that can't be deleted. He gave one to the Queen of England, you know."

5. "Yes, Dear, your iPad is really neat. But the ship is at a thirty degree angle and we really must get to the lifeboats."

Best of mega
The new government-run seminar for Tea Partiers, "How To Dress, Accessorize, and Give Off Non-Verbal Cues Like A European" was led by enthusiastic continentals who blended humor, technology and a dash of androgyny and really helped old, white racists get out of their self-imposed ideological boxes.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Trust me. Within just a few moments the searing waves of agony rippling through youir skull subside and you get this feeling of complete bliss that leaves you with a grin and a creepy look in the eyes.

Best of curly
“…and due to it’s small size, your penis will look that much bigger in comparison when surfing all of those wonderful ghey pron sites.”

Best of Wesley M.
Promotional still from "ABBA: Where Are They Now?"

Best of Dactyl
Got a huge zit to pop? There's an app for that!

Best of Kaptain Krude
Gee, I have this overwhelming urge to buy this whatever-it-is from this whomever-this-is for however-much-it-is.

Best of dadoctah
Looks like that new diet is really working out for Chaz Bono.

Attend Your Local Tea Party

Thursday Jones

Sondrak K

A man says to his girlfriend. “I hate having sex with you. Your vag is too tight and you got no tits.” And his girlfriend says, “Get off my back!”

Gimme that Fish

Brender

1. "Hey, baby. Wanna sleep with the fishes?"

2. Hoping to avoid Carrie Prejean's fate, Miss Florida makes sure her photo shoots are faintly suggestive of lesbianism.

3. Spongebob is doing pretty well for himself these days.

4. "Oh, crap... I'm stuck in a stupid SyFy channel mutant sea-creature movie. I might as well be dead."

5. It finally happened... dub's aversion to arm-flab has opened a tear in the space-time continuum. (Upper right).

Best of Submariner
You might want to run, babe. The smell that attracted me also has Rosie O coming at a trot...

Best of Submariner
No, I won't go out with you - you're the incredible Mr. LIMPit...

Best of jj
How to confuse a blind man.

Best of Silhouette
Abe Vigoda, surprising fans who thought he was dead, MC's the local beauty pagent.

Best of Double the U
Show me three things that can be found on the end of a good pick up line.

Best of Spin
Thinking it may be a good pick-up line Admiral Ackbar shows Debi his Star Wars memorabilia.


Best of Dactyl
They put this sash on me so I could remember where Florida is. Tee hee.

Threadwinner: dadoctah
Most suggestive Disney lyric ever: "Darling, it's better down where it's wetter; take it from me."

Best of Rodney Dill
All your bass are belong to us.

Best of Steve O
"...You wanna hear my Spongebob intro impression??? Do you like fish sticks? You should eat me." -- Carl tries all the pickup lines he knows, but chances are he'll just spoo in the lake as usual.

The President Meets the Mayor of Canada

The Anchoress

1. "C'mon! This is one of my Holy Boogers. Katie Couric would give her left testicle for one of these."

2. "Does this look infected?"

3. "And yesterday some skinny white boys were standing on top of a slag heap pointing... like this. I didn't get that one either."

4. "Yo, Steve. My eyes are up here."

5. Everyone was amazed at Obama's ability to lecture for 54 minutes, off-TelePrompter on the topic of prostate massage.

Best of Vinney
"The next time we have to talk about this I'll have Rahm Emmanuel poke his finger at you while naked. Is that gay enough for you? Humm."

Best of Rodney Dill
Steve waits anxiously, knowing that Obama will eventually relent and bow to him too.

Best of Army of Dad
"Bad Canadian, Bad. Next time you poop on my carpet I will um, have to rub your nose in it!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Obama poses for the re-painting of the Sistine Chapel.

Best of Maogwai
"You are white, you must bow to ME".

Best of Wesley M.
"...and stop referring to those French fries topped with cheese curd and brown gravy as poutine! You're causing an unhelpful international incident with each bowl!"

Best of Submariner
Don't even THINK about running for Governor of New York!

Best of Jay Guevara
"I didn't hear a harrumph out of you!"

Best of Targetpractice
I am the Messiah! The greatest president in US history! YOU WILL PULL MY FINGER!

Best of Submariner
What exactly did you mean by sending davenport material to my wife and suggesting she "make another dress?"

Best of andthenblammo!
"I, um, I love hockey. The Chicago Blankhawks were my favorite, uh, hockey team. I thought Ron Santo was the greatest center ever!"

Best of Dactyl
Yo, can you explain curling to me?

Best of Double the U
I was wondering if you could stop sending all that cold air down from Canada in the winter.

Best of Steve O
Enzyte!

Best of mega
"I was supposed to get a 10 point bump after I copied your stupid-ass health care system, cracker."

This Be a Giraffy

Brender

1. The Toys R Us mascot did pretty well for himself.

2. Brokeback Mountain II starring Sandra Oh and Sarah Jessica Parker was the final nail in the coffin of the Gay Rights movement.

3. Enumclaw High School presents its 2010 Prom King and Queen.

4. Wow, the last time I was in Tijuana, it was just donkeys.

5. By the time the succubus was finished with the Beijing Zoo, Giant Pandas were extinct.

What The Hell Is That?

1. "Aieeee!!! Gay-jira!"

2. "When shall we three meet again In thunder, lightning, or in rain?" The Avalon Manor Shakespeare Society has a unique interpretation of Macbeth

3. All of a sudden, Sully began humming "Workin' in a coal mine/ Goin' down! down! down!"

4. Three Abercrombie & Fitch models spot a holdout from the Body Snatchers invasion.

5. "No, wrong, guys. The hole in the ground is directly in front of you and lower. Once again, you're pointing at Trevor's ass." Three male models fail an IQ test.

Best of Submariner
Unfortunately, while every citizen of Fire Island knew how to point at the drowning swimmer, none knew how to rescue one.

Threadwinner: dadoctah
♫ "Go, greased light'nin', you're burnin' up that quarter mile...." ♪

Best of Army of Mom
Look guys. I think I have found the source of the siren song beckoning us further. Its, its, its Army of Mom and she's waving a six-pack and a box of condoms.

Best of metalgarth
You realllllly don't want to see the monolith they are pointing at in "2100: Ang Lee's Space Odyssey"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Look! Over there! It's faaabulous!"

Best of Vinney
"Hey guys, which way to the nearest gay bar"?

Best of Mr. Hankey
New on the GLB channel - "American Pool Boy"

Best of Dactyl
Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive...

Best of censors hip
The skipper, the professor, & Gilligan as they appear in Ginger's dreams

Best of mega
Many young people were inspired by Obama to get active in politics, and practiced for an eventual meeting with officials from Canada.

Sign O' The Times

Divine Miss M.

If you wanna kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel

Brender


1. "Me, who art in heaven, Hallowed be my name, my kingdom come, my will be done, in Jesusland as it is in Chicago..."

2. "Ia... um... Ia - Cthulhu ...um... fhtagn!"

3. "... and please let Sarah Palin's face be eaten by rats, inshallah!"

4. "What makes you think you're so great anyway?"

5. "And may the workers throw off their chains and rise up against the white devils..." At that moment, PBO knew he had found his new church.

Best of Vinney
BO thought bubble: "Come guys, snap your pictures. I can't look contrite forever."

Best of Jay Guevara
"Oh, and God, please don't let those effing Americans find my real birth certificate. Amen."

Best of Jay Guevara
Thought bubble: "That Soros is a genius. He found the one church whose pews face exactly toward Mecca."

Best of GregMan
"And please, Allah, kill the Jooos!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Awaiting sainthood, the Obama family begins to get impatient.

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Gosh DARN, America!!!" - Obama pivots to the center.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Bless this country we are about to consume..."

Best of Steve O
The Obama family prays "Present."

Best of molson
Blah. Blah. Blah. Higher taxes. Amen.

See! We Told You They Looked Like Garbage Bags!

Sondra K

1. Just another typical garbage day in Dearborn Heights.
2. Still, much more dignified than the way Tiger Woods treated his wife when he got tired of her.
3. Katie Couric's firing from CBS was somewhat less ceremonious than she expected.
4. One day, Charlie Sheen decided, he would have a relationship that didn't end up in several scattered Hefty bags, but this one wasn't it.
5. Somebody obviously screwed up. When the Death Panel rejects your appeal, you go into the Soylent Green recycling bin, not the curbside trash pick-up.

Best of Submariner
After finding Fatima's IUD, Ahmed turned her into an IED.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Blue-robed Bedouin waiting at a bus stop thought the other passengers were awfully quiet

Best of Capt. Queeg
Sale at Old Navy Jalalabad.

Best of Vinney
Najah was the envy of the East Dearborn. Who else could afford to accesorize her wardrobe with matching luggage?

Threadwinner: Mr. Hankey
Scenes from Yoko Ono's funeral.

Best of Jack Reacher
The McCain camp's original plans for Sarah Palin explain why she "went rogue."

Best of Rodney Dill
...Yakkity Yak, Don't talk back.

Best of Rodney Dill
Burqa and the Burquettes

Announcement

I am pleased to announce that my household is about to expand by one as I welcome another kid out of the Foster Care system and into the permanent state of insanity I call my family.

Todd --- not his real name because there's no reason for the vitriol I get to spill over onto him --- is 14 years old, he likes skateboarding, videogames, and junk food. His older brothers are ... treating him like older brothers have always done to little brothers.

I want to give a shout out to the Good People at the Blogmocracy for keeping me in their prayers.

OK, Announcement over. We now return to our regularly scheduled sick intercourse and second-rate pronograffy.

Free For All

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Feed me, if you dare!"

Best of David
"Kill da WABbit! Kill da WABbit! Kill da WAAAABbit!"

Best of Wesley M.
Though seriously distracted by the federally mandated interpreter for the deaf signing at his side even though his school had no deaf students, Timmy still gave that audition for "Miss Saigon" his all...

Best of Submariner
"WHAT!?! How you be my father, Darth?"
Seattle Post-Intelligencer Reviews: To put it mildly, the Puyallup Players rendition of "The Empire Strikes Back" left much to be desired...

Best of dadoctah
"Praise the Lord! The power of prayer has cured me of compulsive masturbating! Well, that and a couple of nasty flesh wounds."

Threadwinner: Spin
Young lady,please stop that, you'll never be a proper teapot.

Best of metalgarth
"The hills are alive, with the sound of..." Dagnabit, Peg, that boy ain't right.

Best of GregMan
Todd's love of Broadway musicals was only strengthened after the infamous band saw incident.

Best of Mr. Hankey
White Stripes - The Early Years

Big Hairy Beasts

Sondra K

1. In late 2010, Countdown with Keith Olbermann was canceled and replaced with Ape Fight Tonight. Ratings quadrupled and the intellectual caliber of the network was generally raised.

2. Winner gets to f--k the horse from Friday.

3. Peaches and Bong-Bong were hired as MSNBC commentators when it was discovered they were 30% less likely to throw feces at the camera than Keith Olbermann.

4. And for an extra $46.99... you can get Comcast's Super-Extended Package, including the Ape Channel. Actually, you don't have a choice, Cable TV is a regulated government monopoly and you have to pay for all kinds of crap you'll never use. Enjoy your ObamaCare!

5. Gallant trained under the direction of a former Olympic boxer, while Goofus was up all night spamming right-wing blogs with "QUITTER PALLIN KILLS WOLVES WINGNUTS!"

Best of David
After Obama's utter failure and refusal to run for a second term, the Democratic Party chose an unorthodox method of deciding their next Presidential candidate.

Best of blue
5 bucks on Magilla

Threadwinnerer: dadoctah
"Get yer stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty Filipino!"

Best of jj
I forget, is it the winner or the loser that gets to take on M'chel?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
How many dyslexics misread the title as "Big Hairy Breasts" and wondered why V was running another Hilary and Pelosi photo so soon?

Best of Jay Guevara
The celebrity boxing match to benefit ACORN featured Robin Williams vs. Ed Asner as the headliners.

Best of mega
"Hey, I remember you....3rd Platoon, took the Statue of Liberty way back when. Good times, good times."

Best of Wesley M.
"Not the face! Not the face!"

Best of metalgarth
ESPN 9 had none of the dignity of ESPN 8 and ESPN 7 but all the excitement of ESPN 6

Best of Rodney Dill
If you have any poo, fling it now.

A Horse Is a Horse, Of Course, Of Course

Blue 1. ORA: Yeah, just imagine all the faith and good works I'll have to do after this post.

2. "Tell Mr. Sullivan to lube up, we're ready for him."

3. "All right. Now, we just need a Tijuana hooker and we're ready for the Young Republicans Fundraiser."

4. Ever since Dick Cheney broke off the affair, Cokie Roberts has been looking for something sufficient to... um... "Fill the void."

5. "No, I don't know why I'm jamming a fire extinguisher into a horse's crotch, but I get a $40,000 stimulus grant to do it. Something to do with alternative fuel research I guess."

Best of GregMan
"Now pretend the horse is the Democrat party and this cylinder is the American Economy..." Sue quickly became a popular speaker at rural Tea Parties.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Despite Matthew Broderick's insistance otherwise, there are sex tapes out there.

Best of dub
Last time I saw something like, there wasnt a cylinder, and the women were dressed like nuns.

Best of DaveP.
Is it just me, or has the AIDS epidemic made Tijuana sex shows somehow more... impersonal?

Best of Submariner
Tonight on "Food Tech," Bobby Bognar explores exactly what McDonald's does to create that 'Special Sauce.'

Best of molson
Pleasure him all you want. He still won't love in the morning.

Best of Paul
Where does the inflatable rubber cowboy go?

Best of racerboy
Behind the Scenes: Everybody knows the story behind NASA's development of the ceramic tiles for the Space Shuttle... few realize just how much hard work and solid effort went into developing Astroglide...

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Oddly, neither assistant was invited to participate in their children's "career day" or "take your daughter to work day."

Best of Jay Guevara
"One more handful of Viagra and I think he'll be ready. Go get Pelosi."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Horsie with performance anxiety issues: hey Hey! HEY!!! That thing's cold! Shrinkage!! You're not playing with a hand puppet ya know?

Best of metalgarth
Samuel L. Bronco-witz presents "Animal Farm"

Best of Rodney Dill
Once I get the Nitrous hooked up, we'll win the Derby.

Putin and His Horsey

Brender

1. In Soviet Russia, Sarah Jessica Parker rides you.

2. "And then I tricked the Americans into giving up their nuclear weapons and disarming their conventional forces. How was your day, Vlad?"

3. "I had Hoss and Little Joe shot for their counter-revolutionary sedition. Don't cross me, Streak."

4. "These places are so phony. Would you like to come back to my dacha?"

5. "Stop following me! It was just a one-night stand. Get over it."

Best of dadoctah
Horse thought bubble: "At least in the winter he wears a shirt."

Best of dadoctah
Damn Russkies gotta copy everything. Now they even got their own version of Grizzly Adams....

Best of kg
Wilbur and Mr. Ed behind the iron curtain.

Best of mega
"Sorry, my old friend. The new START treaty says I have to give you up. In return, the Americans will destroy 7,000 of their nuclear warheads."

Best of dadoctah
ObFamilyGuy: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mister Conway Twitty."

Best of mpur
Putin: "How YOU doin'?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Nightstalker, Episode 91: Once, when Vincenzo got really pissed off, Carl Kolchak found himself transferred to Siberia to track down reports of a one-eyed, one-horned yellow purple muskox.

Pretty Sneaky Sis

Breasts if metalgarth
Connect Whore

Breasts if Barco Sin Vela II
In a twelve year old boy's fantasy room, two hotties play Connect 4 for Aubrey's attention.

(He added the snowboard in the back for coolness)

Breasts if mega
Fourth opponent in two years to be "accidentally" killed by a thick light green post careening through her back...coincidence?

Bar Wench, Teal Bikini

Carla's Angels

Brender
1. How many cockpits are in this picture?

2. "It was hilarious. I yelled 'Luftwaffe!' and they all simultaneously ejected."

3. "Ha ha! My country's more capitalist than yours! Neener! Neener! Neener!"

4. "What do you mean you guys won't bomb some peasants for my amusement? You'd do it for Mélissa Theuriau!"

5. "That's okay, M'Chel. You go lecture the fat schoolchildren about vegetables. I'm going to hang out with the hunky fighter jocks."

Best of Rodney Dill
Smelly Pilot Hooker

Best of blue
Smiling Carla explains why they call it a "joy stick"

Threadwinner: Carpe Phlogiston
Not saying she's obsessive compulsive, but after vacuuming, washing and waxing all the jets, she wasted several hours schooching them backward and forward until they were all lined up like Frank Burns' condiments.

Best of Submariner
I enntend to deescover whethare I can swallow upside down...

Best of mpur
Even using Carla's stunning good looks as a recruitment incentive, the French could not find a single volunteer to be a fighter pilot.

Best of Rodney Dill
TRANSAIR - flying Transsexuals, Transvestites, Transgendered individuals, and Transmission Mechanics almost anywhere for almost nothing.

Best of Dactyl
"Comment deleted" never gets any best-ofs.

Best of dadoctah
Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside, Carla still pines for "one of those invisible ones like Wonder Woman has".

Best of mega
"To the Maginot line!" Squadron 16 answered the beautiful model's call, and raced at Mach 2 to deliver the surrender papers to whomever would accept them.

Miss Thursday 2002 Drops By

1. "Here! I'm gonna leave a crap right here!"

2. "And there you have it. An elegant proof of the Goldbach Conjecture. Maybe now Dub will stop referring to me as 'Thunder Thighs.'"

3. Married with a couple of kids and happily living in Burbank, Starbuck still couldn't get the image of that mandala out of her head.

4. "Maybe if I try inverting the Pentagram I can awaken C'thulu."

5. "Jews Out of Palestine!" Mary visits the Holocaust Museum on Easter Sunday "for a little payback!"