You call that a fertility ritual?

Brender
1. ♪♪"What a feeling!... You can have it all now I'm dancing for my life" ♪♪

2. The only pron still allowed in Iceland.

3. The Water Arm from The Abyss was arrested on second degree sexual assault charges earlier today.

4. Rachel Maddow just really hates showering.

5. Germans still use waterboarding, effin' hypocrites.

Best of Unscrupulous
Wet dirndl contest!!!!!!

Best of GregMan
That Ann Dunham just whored around with everyone.

Best of dadoctah
Aiieee! Gojira cum shot!

Best of Double the U
"Honor splashing"

Best of Spin
Ava hated facials but Adolph always got his way.

Threadwinner: curly
♫ Forced baths from hoses, I smell like I’ve shitten
♪ My husband won’t touch me without asbestos mittens
♫ My odoriferous queefs, He says that it stings
♪ These are a few of my favorite things

Best of Adriane
Then we, Heil, Heil, right in de Fraulein's face!

Best of Rodney Dill
Geyser... I don't even know her.

Best of Submariner
Gesundheit!

Best of sonicfrog
Man, the auditions to become a Riccola spokesman sure are weird...

Best of Capt. Queeg
Cytheria vacations in the alps.

Best of mega
The Hills are alive....with the sound of bukkake

You Call That a Porn Stash?

1. "This better not be second rate like that last batch."

2. "General Dub spotted a fat roll on one of the models. We have to send the whole shipment back."

3. "Bad news, guys. It's all photos of Al Franken in a diaper."

4. "I don't see why everyone got so excited over this shipment of Power Outage Restart Nodes."

5. "Ever since 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' ended, these shipments scare the sh-t outta me."

Best of Vinney
What a great guy! Bill Clinton sends a CARE package to the boys in Company C.

Best of curly
“I knew the food in the chow hall tastes like tastes like ass and smells like queefs, but I never realized that the cookbooks were considered pornography.”

Best of dub
We tried to tell you, we didnt invade Iraq for oil. Turns out they also produce lube.

Best of jeff
Amateur. 5th Group required a C-5B Galaxy to carry theirs.

Best of dadoctah
Sergeant Porn has asked for an explanation as to why his belongings keep getting refused at all the checkpoints.

Best of Unscrupulous
Sarge, I know I said I didn't wanna go home in a box, but I may have been turned around on the subject.

Best of metalgarth
Relax guys it's just our new MREs. Peas and Corn in one container.

Best of Festivus
The military's new word contraction stencil program had unexpected results on family movie night.

Threadwinner: mega
Kevin Jenning's first day as the new SecDef went smoothly, by all accounts.

Best of rikke54
And this is the double locked box they are guarding. Meanwhile 2 devouts are humping the 'war plans' box out the back gate


Best of Submariner
Good, good... have it and the keys delivered to my tent for safe-keeping. And don't bother me for a couple hours - I'll be "strategizing my next offensive..."

Best of Steve O
HA! They mispeled "Pron."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ya'know, this reminds me of the time we accidentally flew them nukes clear across America's heartland in that Bent Spear incident, only this is so much hotter.

Best of Rodney Dill
In an expected act of generosity, Tiger Woods, donates a collection of light reading to the Armed Services.

Death Bear Lurks in Hallways

Sondra K


Best of dub
M'chelle treats The One by stripping for him in the hallway.

Best of Vinney
Those Jehovah's Witnesses are starting to get too spooky for their own good.

Best of David
"Honey, did you call Zed's 30-Minute-Guaranteed Fetish Delivery again?!"

Best of dadoctah
Darth Ruxpin, after going over to the Dark Side.

Best of Submariner
Snuggles' first few incarnations didn't test too well with home makers.

Best of Steve O
A remake of Donny Darko?

Best of curly
Bill went to yesterday’s Procrastinators Club Halloween Party dressed as a gothic bear.

Best of Adriane
Some say there's a bear in the woods. Others say, no, it's in the hallway ... lives 2 doors down.

Best of GregMan
The Night Yogi Got Lucky

Best of Mr. Hankey
"Where Are They Now?" - As a registered sex-offender, Captain Kangaroo's Dancing Bear is not allowed to live near schools and often lurks in apartment hallways.

Welcome to Hell, Here's Your Accordion Pants

Brender

1. After retirement from active duty, Captain Sulu was put in charge of designing new Starfleet uniforms.

2. Whether trying to catch that Roadrunner, or just recovering from an incident involving an anvil and rocket skates, you'll be stylin' in clothes designed by Wile E. Coyote.

3. Gray suits are just so bourgeois.

4. A frown from Miranda Priestly can ruin a designer's career, a brutal beatdown on the runway from Miranda Priestly condemns the souls of your children to hell for four generations.

5. How the hell do you iron those?

Best of Silhouette
Whine, whine, whine. First you say your shirt is too stiff; now you say your pants are too wrinkly. Do your own dang ironing!

Best of Rodney Dill
In a fight he folds like a cheap suit.

Best of Army of Dad
I told you not to jump out the fifth floor window!

Best of David
FREENTfrooFREENTfrooFREENTfroo...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Briefs and capris meld into one with Suzy Cho's whimsical capriefs for men. "Just toss the slacks in a trash compactor and they come out perfectly ironed!"

Best of Jay Guevara
Kobayashi models the new spring line of the Sandy Berger collection.

Best of Submariner
What happened the one time Hillary actually tried to use the Sunbeam...

Best of Steve O
Using a stimulus grant, top researchers address the urgent national issue of "pant swish."

Best of Unscrupulous
"What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, And makes a slinkity sound?"

Best of Adriane
I mightily sure hope that boy dun take them thar pants off before he clothes pins the pleats back in. A man could hurt hisself.

Best of curly
“Pop goes the weasel!”...Welcome to Barney Frank’s origami fantasy.

Best of dadoctah
As if we needed *more* proof that Kim Jong Il is out of his tiny little mind.

Beaches

Brender

1. "Ew! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

2. "I always dreamed I'd been in your arms when we finally brought down this capitalist fever dream called 'America.'"

3. "OMG! You got me the Russian Rocket model. This is the bestest birthday evers!"

4. "Indigo Girls reunion! I am so there!"

5. "Why do you smell like the Prime Minister of Iceland?"

Best of GregMan
New contest over at Girls With Corpses magazine: guess which one is the corpse?

Best of Kaptain Krude
When Parasites Attack, only on FOX News, the only network brave enough to bring you these pictures.

Threadwinner: jj
The only thing missing is an old '65 T-Bird and a cliff.

Best of Vinney
"Nancy, I have a favor to ask of you. You know that whip I've seen you with, the one with the knobby handle...."

Best of blue
The girls are giddy with excitement following their audition for the New Laverne and Shirley Show.

Best of dadoctah
"Thank God! We're saved. It's Electra Woman and Dynagirl...wait, what?"

Best of Submariner
As soon as the Wookie showed up, they began performing Macbeth...

Best of Steve O
Hillary and Nancy share a "dualie."

Best of Jack Reacher
If "politics is show-biz for ugly people" this must be their Academy Awards.

Best of Matt the K
Cacklefest 2010 was just not the same without Wayland Flowers and Madame.

Best of Mr Hankey
There always big hugs when a newbie joins "Cankles Anonymous"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Our prayers have been answered! Everyready has just come out with new long-life batteries!"

Ripped From the Headlines

Iceland's Lesbian PM Outlaws Nudie Bars: Al Bundy, No Ma'am Hardest Hit

1. "Hillary whipped it out once at the Leather Womyn's retreat. No sh-t, it was this big!"

2. "... And by Tuesday, the rivers will run with the blood of anything with testicles."

3. How did Marcy D'arcy become Prime Minister of Iceland anyway?

4. "Who just yelled 'Iron My Shirt?'"

5. Ed Begley Junior's first attempt at drag was an unmitigated disaster.

Best of GregMan
"Because I'm an ugly, dried-up, man-hating old bag who can't PAY a man to look at me, that's why."

Best of molson
The last BM I took was like this big. No I'm not kidding. I got photos.

Best of Submariner
"Slowly I turned..."

Best of Jay Guevara
"What is a 'taco?' And why does everyone ask when I ate my first, and then laughs hysterically?"

Best of mega
"And this is the size of the Icelandic economy. This exact space between my hands. So my plan is to prevent people from making $100 in hard currency from foreigners for providing five minutes of entertainment."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Why did the glacier cross the road?? Oh, I get it. Another shot at my being a frigid lesbo, right? Just for that, no more nudie bars!

Best of Rodney Dill
"I dropped the baby... I don't know why."

Best of Silhouette
"...all the books behind me, in a tablet this big. And if you buy from Amazon using our link, you help support Iceland."

Best of Vinney
If that's what you want to do? Fine. But, don't expect Bill Clinton to show up the next time you have an earthquake.

Threadwinner: dadoctah
Disneyworld's audio-animatron of Andy Warhol still needed some tweaking.

Best of Jay Guevara
"So I turned around and looked in the bowl, and so help me God..."

French Fried Tata, Mmmm Hmmmm

1. Lindsey Lohan tries freebasing.

2. Pelosi Motors "Barney Frankmobile" was another flaming success.

3. When the Pistons won it all in 2016, there was very little left in Detroit to set on fire.

4. "Just use the specs from the Ford Pinto, you said. It'll save money, you said."

5. Bollywood couldn't afford the flaming train effect Steve Speilberg used in War of the Worlds, but they did what they could on a budget.

Best of VInney
Onlooking Muslim terrorists snickered, "It must be a woman car bomber."

Best of Double the U
Oh... so that is how you get a Toyota Prius to stop.

Best of GregMan
Another Indian programmer immolates himself upon hearing that Microsoft is no longer hiring.

Best of dadoctah
"Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! Oh shit!"

Best of dub
....and this is your penis after a night with Paris Hilton.
Any questions?

Best of molson
Some automakers fail to grasp the concept of internal combustion.

Best of Submariner
ORA: John Rainbird didn't really think through his taunts to Charlie McGhee about how his car is "waaaay hotter than that Ford P.O.S. your dad drives..."

Best of dadoctah
So...Matchbox or Hot Wheels? Which pop-culture reference would be funnier here?

Best of Mr. Right
Worst Marketing Campaign Ever, Grand Prize Winner: The Ford Hindenburg! Oh! The Humanity!

Best of blue
if the death panel rules against you, the ObamaCare ambulance driver pushes the cremate button

Best of Submariner
Looks like that Georgia Crematorium is back open for business again.

Best of Matt the K
"Oh, the banality!!!"

You Didn't See This

1. The Crocodile Hunter's kid would go on to all sorts of predicaments.

2. Critics say the sexual imagery in Roman Polansky's new film lacks subtlety.

3. Tragedy ensued when the babysitter's cries of "A snake! A snake! Oh, it's a snake!" were mistaken for an homage to the BadgerBadgerBadger website.

4. No one ever figured out why little Maggie grew up to be such a huge lesbian.

5. "Dang," thought the snake. "Shouldn't have filled up on the cat."

Best of Double the U

This is the only caption I have and it isn't a caption:

http://www.theonion.com/video/boys-tragic-death-could-have-happened-to-any-famil,17024/

Best of Oiao
Ah, spring time in a Flordia meth lab home.......

Threadwinner: Vinney
Exclusive photos of Harry Reid fawning over his new grandchild.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Baby Thawtbubble: Don't panic... if I play dead, it'll ignore me. No, that's for bears. "Red on Yellow Kills a Fellow, Red on Black"... nah, that's for coral snakes. Darn it. I must have been napping during the "when boas attack" segment.


Best of curly
Planned Parenthood’s “Don’t Tread On Me” poster, while a big hit with the Barbara Boxer crowd, was considered too cutting edge for the clingers in fly-over country.

Best of molson
Congress experiments with a work around for the ban on Federally funded abortions.

Best of mega
Fortunately, liberals' plan to go back in time to kill George Bush as a baby was foiled, by assuming that a harmless brown snake would consume a baby based on CBO analysis.

Best of mpur
Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherf***ing snakes on this motherf***ing baby!

Best of Adriane
Is that a snake in your onesie or is Baby just happy to see me?

Best of Steve O
The Trailersnake uses his specialized pillowcase-camoflage to avoid detection.

Best of dadoctah
Okay, whose idea was it to let Alice Cooper host a parenting show?

Best of Matt the K
Dept. of Social Services shows up at Slash's house A LOT.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Some of the sacrifices given to Satan to ensure Justin Bieber's career success.

Meanwhile, In the Honeycomb Hideout

Brender

1. Star Wars trivia: The holding cell next to Princess Leia on the Death Star was occupied by Morrissey.

2. The worst part about John Derbyshire's captivity were Sully's constant taunts of "It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."

3. ORA: Eventually, Gul Madred "persuaded" the conservative that he really did hear racial slurs in the videotape.

4. "Please, help me. I'm trapped in Joy Behar's bedroom."

5. Paintings of Gitmo Prisoners being tortured on Stop signs --- and 1,001 other surefire ways to win an NEA Grant., now available at STIMULUSMONEYGRAB.COM.


Best of dub
Give 'em hell buddy....you show that turd who's boss!

Best of HLam
He'll eventually learn that the Pink button gets him the cheese and the green button gets him 10,000 volts.

Best of Double the U
Under Obama's health care, no one can hear you scream.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ironically, Woody Allen sunk his life savings into the development of a "real" orgasmatron, only to learn that it was another Madoff Ponzi scheme.

Best of Army of Mom
Stool softener my ass.

Best of Army of Mom
God almighty. No wonder Brenda won't let me do anal on her. I thought, how bad could it me when she said she'd let me do it to her if I let her do it to me. Gees, where is the icepack and that rubber donut?

Threadwinner: Dactyl
We really need to ease off the acceleration in the escape pods.

Best of Jack Reacher
"You can get out of the chamber once you give me your TPS report, Mm-kay?"

Best of Festivus
"Polygonal Jeopardy's" wrong answer penalty of gassing contestants ultimately forced the show into early syndication.

Best of dadoctah
Test-marketing the new Michael Bolton CD box set.

Best of GregMan
"There... Are... FOUR... Tea Party Activists Calling A Black Congressman A N*****!!!"

Best of Matt the K
MST3K really jumped the shark when they hired David Byrne as the new 'Joel'.

Best of Submariner
Shouldn't.Have.Selected.The.Double.Ought.Gauge.Plug.

Best of Rodney Dill
Eventually piping in Britney Spears' music was deemed to be in the same category of torture as waterboarding.

Chris Tucker Has Really Let Himself Go

Sondra K

1. "I knew Jackie Chan! You ain't no Jackie Chan."

2. "And one more thing, V the K. I don't appreciate your trying to squeeze humor out of offensive stereotypes about black women!"

3. Generic Caption #64: "No,*you* smell my finger!"

4. Teh Gheys and Lesbians argue bitterly over the merits of "Tastes Great" and "Less Filling."

5. In 2020, ObamaCare paid for Marcelus Owens's sex change. He was still angry, though.


Best of dub
Make believe gun fight!!! Pew pew pew, pew!! BANG BANG! Gotcha!!

Best of GregMan
The debate between Old Navy and Aeropostale shoppers grew ever closer to violence.

Best of Mr. Hankey
"Don't Go Breaking My Heart" "I couldn't if I tried"

Best of Submariner
Looks like Huggy Bear isn't happy that Starsky forgot the graft...

Best of curly
“…and tell them a-holes at Match.com that I want my money back!”

Best of mega
In Episode 6 of The Marriage Ref, Kenisha and Dave argue about whether it was wrong to microwave the ferret, while guest-panel member Julia Louis-Dryfus tries to look like this isn't the single most embarrassingly painful TV moment of her entire life.

Best of Adriane
"Tiger loves me best!"
"Who cares? He paid me more to keep quiet!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Canadians are lining up to touch Justin Bieber.

Thursday on a Muthuhfocking Boat

Candy Stripe

Welcome to Thursday, Here's Your Whore

best of David
Now THAT'S a quality ride.

best of David
Yeah, I'd say that's a satisfied customer.

best of kg
mom?

best of racerboy
I haven't seen such an insincere facial expression since Nancy Pelosi told me that Obamacare really is in my best interests!

Because I Gots Me The Writer's Block

What can you guys make out of this...


Racerboy


Best of Jay Guevara ...
"My, you're clean and articulate."
"Thanks. Wanna be my running mate?"

Best of Submariner ...
That's right, Bill; you have to go through these crappy bit parts before you hit the big-time and start showing up in other people's pictures...

Best of David ...
[muffled] I TOLD you we shouldn't stand under the palm tree!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston ...
David Attenborough whispers: One of the more unusual mutations on Bikini Atoll is the coconut squirrel. Sadly, this new species is endangered. Islanders soon learned they could crack their little heads open and get a great tasting milk that also works wonders as a skin lotion.

Best of Jack Reacher ...
NONE SHALL PASS!

Best of Mr Hankey ...
"You put the squirrel in the coconut, and shake him all up. You put the squirrel in the coconut and shake him all up...

Threadwinner: sonicfrog ...
Hmmm, first I hear ABBA may be getting back together, and now I see that the Squirrel Nut Zippers are going on tour again. Wow, should be a good summer.

Best of Mr. Right ...
♪Sometimes you feel like a nut,
Sometimes you don't...♪

Best of Festivus ...
Do these things make our butts look big?

Best of racerboy ...
Now listen, Bo - you hook left for the Hail Mary, I'll drop back, fake the handover to BillyBob, hit you with the bomb pass, and we'll bring this one home, OK?

Best of curly ...
“Thank goodness for global warming! How else could we expect to find coconuts growing in Central Park?”

The Woman Who Tried to Eat Ann Coulter

Sondrak K
1. Note to the leftist media --- this is what an ugly violent mob looks like. In the future, when covering Tea Party protests, please use this for reference.

2. The little kid who kept chucking bean bags in her mouth hoping to win a prize got the beating of his life several minutes later.

3. Latreena's plan to suffocate all the white folks by breathing in all the air in the Western hemisphere at once was, fortunately, unsuccessful.

4. Would it be racist to suggest that Latreena could go bobbing for watermelons?

5. Latreena died tragically, moments later, when a passing Greyhound bus mistook her mouth for the entrance to the Holland tunnel.

Best of dadoctah
Uh, miss, the American Idol auditions are *inside*. And just a helpful suggestion, you might want to pick something a little less corny than "I Will Always Love You" for your opener.

Best of GregMan
"Sale at Old Naaavy!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!"

Threadwinner: Rodney Dill
Somewhere near Enumclaw there's a horse with a smile on its face.

Best of mpur
Bill Clinton called. He wants your phone number.

Best of Jay Guevara
Global warming has extended the cottonmouth's range northwards into Canada.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The grief-stricken parents of little Becky Sue reported hearing an odd swallowing noise and a loud belch immediately before noticing their daughter was missing.

Best of Mr. Right
Hasbro presents: Hungry Hungry Libbos!
The winner is the first player to lose all of their marbles.

Best of Submariner
"Amateur" Hillary sniffed as she finished off two toddlers and an eight year old in two gulps.

Best of Steve O
Republican superhero "Sonic" sends a shockwave to shatter the Health Care bill. Unfortunately, a supervillian known only as "The Wookie" used the massive bulk of her thighs to intercept and absorb the force of the blow.

Best of dub
Dude watch out, Tracy Chapman is pissed.

Hello Fetish Freaks

1. "This Anti-War Protest is boring. Let's go over to the Tea Party protests and yell the n-word at some black congressman."

2. As Hollywood scraped the bottom of the barrel, a remake Laverne & Shirley movie became increasingly inevitable.

3. "ACORN's closing up shop? Damn! Now, I'll never get that home loan."

4. "Does ObamaCare cover syphilis? Please tell me it covers syphilis!"

5. "Because the SecState has a notorious rubber fetish. That's why."

Best of Vinney
Young Lt Theo Kojack hated working vice.

Best of Jack Reacher
Tour bus narrator: "And if you look out the left side of the bus...ah...actually, let's look out the right side for a minute."

Best of dadoctah
Thank God! It's Electra Woman and Dynagirl! We're saved!

Best of Barco Sin Vela II
..."It looks just like a Telefunken U47"
With Leather?

Threadwinner: molson
When I said I wanted a HoHo, I meant a snack cake.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Gawd... who wears white latex before Easter."

There Is Probably Not a Perfectly Reasonable Explanation for This

blue

1. Heckraiser's villains were considerably less horrifying than Pinhead.

2. The new eco-conscious, East Village Laundromat was popular with the espresso and black leotard crowd.

3. Gay parents can be such Drama Queens when its time to change the diaper.

4. No money for F-22 fighters, but the "Performance Art" crowd is generously supported by the Stimulus.

5. Mothers beware, sometimes the punishment for being caught masturbating can turn into a disturbing fetish.

Best of Vinney
What's their hang-up?

Best of Rodney Dill
Clipart... Ur Doin it rong

Best of Blue
Not only are we members but we are the founders of The Clothespin Club For Men.....well actually we are the only members...

Best of Rodney Dill
Bazooka Joe Marley and Theodore Marley never did successfully break into the Reggae music market.

Best of Silhouette
2.3 seconds after criticizing mother's folding and sorting.

Best of Matt the K
Out take from Eric Idle's rejected 'Minister of Silly Beards' bit.

Ear Bubbles

Sondra K
Go for it, Monors...

Best of Blue
the boys argue over who will be the Lone Ranger and who will be Tonto for Halloween

Best of Jack Reacher
"Lord, why doesn't Hillary just get that damn tooth pulled?"

Best of Jack Reacher
Biden thought bubble "That mole on his neck sure looks worrisome. I could say something, but maybe I won't. I'll just...wait."

Best of mega
"I will give these six gold coins to whoever comes up here and gets this icky flag pin off my lapel."

Best of Silhouette
Must have cut the picture off. There are more zeros in trillion.

Best of Vinney
Jim Carey and Jeff Daniels were pissed they weren't cast in Dumb and Dumber II.

Worst Ladies

Divine Miss M

1. "And when Pelosi gets here, our production of Macbeth may begin."

2. "Back off, doughnut bumper. You could not begin to handle a Klingon woman's clenis."

3. "Told you mine was bigger, you chalk-faced whore!"

4. "Wouldn't you know, American flag in the background, and neither one of us with a gawdam lighter."

5. B'Ator was supportive when L'Ursa was stricken with the Michael Jackson skin whitening disease.

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Gramma's dentures buggin' ya?"

Best of GregMan
"A sale? At Old Navy? Let's go, woman!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Am I still smiling? Whew, thought the force field had failed! The energy it takes to power this artificial grin could light a small city. If the grid ever fails, can you imagine how many people my cheeks will take out?

Threadwinner: Vinney
"Oh, silly me. I thought when you said you're not fond of crackers you were talking about the soup."

Best of molson
That's no strap on, and yes, it is magnificent.

Best of censors hip
"...and at last month's ex-first ladies wife swap I drew Jimmy Carter, now I know why he is identified with the peanut!"

Best of Blue
"...Hillary honey, when Barrack asks where da white womens, he sure didn't mean you!"

Best of curly
“Now Simon says ‘touch your fat, doughy thighs’.”

Best of Rodney Dill
Yes Wiccan!

Up on the Rooftop

1. ORA: B.O. fights the urge to see if Joe would die screaming like an Irish pig.

2. "From up here, we can piss all over America. Or, we can pass a health care takeover. Same general effect."

3. "Dammit, um, Joe, you dragged me all the way up here to see, um... into Nancy Pelosi's, um shower? I coulda watched There's Something About Mary and gotten the same effect."

4. "So, your point of the view is, the President in ID4 should have just had a beer with the aliens and won them over with his life-story and articulate Teleprompter reading?"

5. "I don't know what happens if you piss on a solar panel, B. Let's find out!"

Best of Oiao
Biden: "So. These are the tanning beds we will put a 10% health care tax on?"
Obama: "Shut up Joe."

Best of Double the U
Obama: I come up here to look at my wonderful reflection in the mirrors.
Joe: I can't see mine.

Best of Submariner
Say what you want about his ideas, but manbearpig has one heckuva back-up system for his CODAG powerplant generators...

Best of GregMan
Comrade Hussein: "So, when the sun hits these solar panels the hospital can use the electricity for operations and stuff, and when it's cloudy they just let people die? Works for me."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sun reaches an angle of 40-degrees and two idiots begin screaming in unison -
AEIIII, I'm MELTING!!!!
AGGGGG, I'm BLIND!!!!!
Meanwhile, the secret service team are sitting in the shadows enjoying a smoke and a good chuckle.

Best of Silhouette
And here we have three energy types represented: solar, thermal, and wind.

Best of molson
Dammit Joe. For the last time, I don't know what the heck happens if you piss on a solar panel. Now let's say we get you down from here and back on your meds. OK?

Best of curly
“I’m really flattered, Mr. President; I truly am. But Smokin’ Joe Biden don’t swing that way.”

Best of mega
"Sorry, Mr. President. I was told there might be a green job here, someplace. Thought we'd like to see what one of 'em actually looks like. Wasted trip."

Best of Vinney
"I've never said this before Mr. President, but this is a big f***in'deal."

Kneel, Gaiman

1. "Coach, please... don't leave me like this. It was just one time. I swear he meant nothing to me!"

2. "You used to be an altar boy, didn't you Ricky?"

3. "Oooh! That one was especially pungent. Make some more!"

4. "Please, coach, please let me take these up an inch or two. Your inseam is much too long for these little sausage legs of yours."

5. "I know it was a hard hit, coach, but was it really necessary to perform a field amputation of my lower leg? I'm feeling woozy."

March Madness

1. "Yeah, those boys from St. Joseph's Academy really freaked when they saw our Satanic Goat's Head mascot and the bloody pentagram at center court."

2. "Dammit! Can't we have just one normal game where Tom Cruise doesn't try and sell us on Scientology?"

3. Other team's shooting and passing attempts were invariably distracted by the creepy deformed hand growing out of Billy's shoulder.

4. "The thing is, guys, I'm two payments behind on the Prius and... long-story short, if you could miss a few lay-ups in the next period and keep the spread down to six points, it would help out your old coach a lot. Whaddya say?"

5. "I can't believe you schmucks are down 15 points against a girls team."

Evoking Fond Memories of Cleopatra 2525

Sondra K

1. The Vancouver Olympic Committee liked the concept, but went with a giant inflatable beaver instead.

2. Well, now we know where one of the white women is at.

3. "Screw the seals, my tits are freezing off! Aren't there some endangered tropical animals somewhere?"

4. "The Temp Agency really oversold the glamor of this assignment. We get paid for this right? Right?"

5. Will purge for food.

Best of Vinney
The passing crowd was so moved by their cause, the girls raised $573 that day- all in dollar bills.

Best of dub
A baby seal walks into a club.....
GET IT?? GET IT??? ZOMG I IS TEH FUNNAH!!!!!1!

Best of Double the U
They are not animal activists, they just spoke out against Putin and this is their punishment.

Best of Submariner
Why? Because if we don't, then Canadian Tupperware won't stay air-tight. Right Misty?

Best of Steve O
And here I thought "clubbing the baby seal" was just a euphymism.

Best of mega
Little did they know the Russian part said "Support Rabbi Kahane, deport all the Palestinians."

Best of Rodney Dill
What's red and white and dumb all over.

Where the Elite Meet to Eat and Drop Dead in the Street

Brender


1. American democracy was struck and killed today by a drunk driver with an "Obama 08" bumper sticker.

2. Congressman Patrick Kennedy is still recovering from St. Patrick's Day.

3. How a Founding Father would react to the idea that the House of Representatives can deem a law "Passed" without a vote.

4. Contrary to the happy gay disco song, "It's Raining Men" would actually be a gory and horrific scenario.

5. Onlookers wondered which Clinton he had betrayed.

Best of dub
Not to be bothered by a dead body in the road, Shelly, pictured far right, hurries along to her Thursday photo shoot.

Best of Vinney
Unemployment was so bad in Detroit, Fred took a job as a part time speed bump.

Threadwinner: dadoctah
"Give it up, Neil. Unless we get some snow, nobody's going to follow your lead and start making asphalt angels."

Best of Matt the K
In Russia, street crosses you.

Best of Submariner
You're such a drama queen, Moshe... Seriously, 54 cents a pound is not that bad for bananas.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Laziest suicide bomber in history... makes people come to him.

Best of molson
Glenn Becks's latest stunt to portray the healthcare bill as DOA only resulted in curious stares from onlookers.

Best of Jay Guevara
Onlooker: "I was kidding. Obama didn't really tell the truth."

Best of mega
"And I hereby declare this road to be our ancestral home, and I will die to protect it, and you can never ever drive on this road again." Effing Palestinians.

Best of GregMan
"Take him to the Emergency Room? Nah, he's too old, the Death Panel guidelines say let him die in the street."

Two pair

Dub Always New She'd Come Crawling Back to Him

The Hollaback Girl

K is P

1. ♬ "Fee-lings! Whoa Whoa Whoa Fee-lings!" ♬

2. An Attention Whore to the end, Sheehan's attempt to drive her Prius at 94 miles per hour on an LA freeway while trying to dial 911 would prove a final, fatal act of desperation.

3. "It was seven years ago today that Rachel Corrie died in Palestine. Who's up for IHOP?"

4. ♬ "Listen, all y'all it's a sabotage!" ♬

5. ♬ "Can't read mah. Can't read mah. No you can't read mah... poker-face." ♬

Best of Silhouette
Bob Denver really let himself go

Best of molson
Re-elect Boosh!

Best of curly
"If anybody wants to know where cyndyism is, cyndyism is that there's one, two press people in this gallery."

Threadwinner: GregMan
"Kobe! Kooobe!!!"
No matter how loudly Cindy She-hag screeched, Kobe pretended not to hear her.,

Best of Jay Guevara
"Who the hell shrunk my megaphone?"

Best of Submariner
Hey good lookin,' I'll be back to... where you runnin' to?

Best of Silhouette
"HALP! My son really didn't die and he's stuck in a balloon!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Step right up and I'll guess your weight, then harangue you for forty minutes about fascist Neocons.

Best of Matt the K
Tonight on Dateline: Kurt Cobain announces to a stunned Seattle crowd that his death was staged to get that freakazoid wife off his back, and for everyone to go f**k themselves.

HSPD

Pistol Packin' Dottas...

Steve O

1. "You can come out, girls. Mr. Glitter has sobered up and gone home."

2. Charlie's Angels for Pedophiles was one of the FX network's edgier offerings.

3. Charleton Heston's great-granddaughters had to be home-schooled after Montessori refused to install a pistol range.

4. When Sarah Palin was elected, the agenda of the new Safe Schools Czar (Ted Nugent) was quite changed ... in a good way.

5. John Woo's The Mikado.

Best of Silhouette
I guess Marcia is getting that attic room this time

Best of dub
The girl in the middle has fat knees.

Best of dadoctah
Andy Sidaris: the early years.

Best of blue
Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids....bang....bang, bang.... bang, bang

Best of Submariner
Go ahead, dub. Make ANOTHER crack about "baby fat."

Best of mega
This week on Law & Order - three white, Christian girls brainwashed by religious conservative nutjobs go on a crazy killing spree against innocent, patriotic, hard-working Pakistanis!

Best of Kaptain Krude
In this undated photo, Lara Croft (r) and her two sisters. Tragically, both sisters had mysterious fatal accidents, leaving Lara an only child. We explore Lara's pain, when we return to Behind the Videogame.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thursday Babes, 2025

Best of mega
The annual reenactment of the fall of the Maginot Line really highlighted the cultural and military differences with the US.

Threadwinner: Vinney
Roman Polanski auditions can turn ugly.

Best of Dactyl
"No, why don't *you* clean our rooms?"

Best of Steve O
"...and a later bedtime, ice cream for breakfast, a higher allowance, and more TV time. Any problems with that?"

Best of Adriane
Lacking a steady supply of Chemical X, the black powder puff girls found their own way of saving the world ... before bedtime.

Meanwhile, in a New Jersey Rest Area

1. Illegal cockfights remain a problem in many urban areas.

2. Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger work out the final details of their merger.

3. Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow finally decide whose is bigger. Maddow wins.

4. "No kidding! I love Twilight too!"

5. "Damn it, Rahm! I'm still not voting for health care!"

Best of Army of Dad
ORA: Don't cross the streams...it would be bad.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
TENDER MOMENT @ Lilith Fair: After being disqualified in Round One for refusing to wax, two hirsute Thursday Babe wannabes console each other on the banks of the Bitchydoomie River.

Best of dadoctah
All across America, gladiators and guys who've been in a Turkish prison pause to pay a final tribute to the late Captain Clarence Ouver.

Best of Silhouette
blah blah Wonder Twins Powers Activate blah blah Ang Lee Remake

Best of Matt the K
"Bubba, when you said you wanted to go up my dirt path, I thought you meant this here one on my property."

Best of metalgarth
I see Adam Lambert is making a video for "Pants on the Ground"

Best of Vinney
Barney Frank- The Wonder Years.

Best of Rodney Dill
worst.lesbian.prOn.ever

Best of dub
Flame On....yeah, no kidding.

Best of molson
How does this contest work again?

Best of Mr Hankey
Paula still has clandestine meetings with the American Idol participants.

Best of Submariner
Nothin' ta be seein' here, folks;
'Tis jist two French girls greetin' each other after their summer break. Please ta be movin' along, now...

Threadwinner: Submariner
So, Governor, come here often?

Delinquent Bills

Brender


1. His experience with selling a bloated, expensive product that was hated by the people who would, nevertheless, be forced to use it ... made Gates a natural to pitch the Democrats' Health Care Plan.

2. Clinton never forgave Gates for the 8 terabytes of fat-girl pron he lost when he installed Windows 7.

3. "The Illuminati have voted. Monique will win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Next item on the agenda, the assassination of Barack Obama."

4. Whenever Clinton got bored, he liked to fantasize about watching Janet Reno burn people alive.

5. Clinton never forgave Gates for not investing in his shrimp company.

Best of GregMan
Bill Gates: "...and not only have we replaced all our American programmers with cheap Indian H1-B's, adding billions to our bottom line, but we have outsourced the Presidency of the United States to a Kenyan."

Best of blue
Clinton thought bubble: "...that squirrelly little sh*t has more money than me, I think I'll ask B. Hussein to raise his taxes!"

Best of HLam
Clinton thought bubble: "...all that money and he can't buy a decent comb?"

Best of Submariner
SCANNERS II: Coming to a theatre near you this summer.

Best of Vinney
Clinton Thought Bubble: "Enough of this talk about business practices. Let's talk about titties."

Best of mega
The new tool was not yet effective. Private sector leaders only turned fuzzy instead of disappearing. Their wealth ended up in limbo instead of being deposited into Treasury accounts. Further testing was required.

Threadwinner: dadoctah
"It looks like you're trying to bore everybody to death. Would you like help?"

Best of molson
I unloaded a ton of leftover Vista installs on the RNC. Charged them double too. You won't have to worry about them hassling you anymore.

Best of Mr Hankey
Bill hated this speech when it was in "Revenge of the Nerds" too.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Warren Buffett, George Soros and I have had enough of this Obama clown. We've decided to reinstall Bill Clinton as President, effective immediately."

Look at the Size of that ... Thing

1. $4,000,000 in Stimulus Funding went into the Suppository Museum in John Murtha's Congressional District.

2. "F--- You, Dr. Cochrane. We need the money for Health Care. The Phoenix Project is cancelled."

3. "Mr. President... how shall I put this... your 'first stage' is leaking fuel."

4. "Yes, Mr. President, they will be ready for M'Chel's birthday. But may I ask why she wants the world's largest set of Lee Press-On Nails?"

5. "Yes, Mr. President... I suppose one could make 'one helluva bong' out of that thing."

Best of dadoctah
"Mmmm, cone-y!"

Best of GregMan
"...and this represents the size of Hillary's clenis."

Best of blue
I sure HOPE this time capsule from Jimmy Carter's administration contains tips on how to CHANGE things so that I won't be a one term president.....

Best of Rodney Dill
"How many D-cells?"

Best of divine miss m
Well, we don’t need Freud for that one, do we?

Best of Vinney
"Sir, the project's original mission was to land a man on Kim Kardashian's ass, then we realized that's been done before...many times."

Best of curly
“Don’t worry, Mr. President. Your fragile ego will be safe and secure in this baby.”

Best of Submariner
"What's this do?"
"DON'T TOUCH THAT BU"
Then the tape goes all snowy, sir...

Best of Steve O
"Does it go to 11? Mr President, this baby STARTS at 11."

Best of Rodney Dill
Joe Biden's cone-of-silence is just finished Mr. President.

Best of sonicfrog
ORA: After conquering the universe with little more than a toilet plunger for so many years, the Daleks FINALLY get an upgrade.

Best of dub
Big giant Klan hat? Uh...what big giant Klan hat Mr President?

Threadwinner: Mr Hankey
And with thermonuclear power along with state of the art nano technology, I think this thing will finally get Michelle off.

Lab Work

1. "Lookee me! I'se a scientist! Yee-haw!" ATDHE.

2. When it was explained how the tiny Teleprompter could be implanted in his cornea, the president wet his pants in sheer delight.

3. "Frankly, Mr. President, you're not even qualified to sweep the floors here. Now, please back away from the virulent pathogen."

4. "I guess you're more familiar with the kind of 'lab' people set up in garages and storage units, huh Mr. President?"

5. "Actually, Mr. President, you're thinking of a tele-scope. The 'I can see Uranus' joke really doesn't work here."


Best of Rodney Dill
Obama: "So Biden's brain on the edge of a razor looks just like..."
Scientist: "a pea... rolling down a four... lane... highway..."

Best of Vinney
"Sir, if you look closely, you can see traces of your popularity."

Best of Oiao
Ah, um, auh, which end do I bow to?

Best of GregMan
Hussein looks at the last vestiges of American freedom and liberty.

Best of dub
...and then the other end is embedded deep in your anal cavity. Now look here, and you should be able to see your head.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Obamalama: "Hey, did I just see a little ship go floating past with Dennis Quaid at the helm?"

Best of divine miss m
Stand back; I’m going to try science.

Threadwinner: curly
“Free radicals attack the WHITE blood cells? I like it!”

Best of Steve O
"So, if I look in this thingy here, can I SEE the embyros die?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Obama: "Cool Hookah... Where do I suck?"
Scientist: "Everywhere."

Best of Jay Guevara
"The macrophages acted stupidly."

Hoop Dreams

1. "Get your fat ass off my basketball hoop!" yelled Coach Dub.

2. Come on, Kobe. Take. The. Hint.

3. With their settlements, Tiger Woods mistresses were able to start a WNBA franchise.

4. "My power queefs do wonders for my jump-shot."

5. Dr. Steven makes Gynecology exams fun for everyone!

Best of blue
"...hey, any of you tall basketball players ever go up on a girl??"

Best of Vinney
Sally the Slut thought with the free beaver shot, the ref would overlook calling her for goal tending.

Best of molson
Kinda gives new meaning to take it to the hole.

Best of Spin
Just airin' it out.

Best of sonicfrog
So THAT'S what Starbuck was doing in her lost period...

Best of dadoctah
Not being a true Southern debutante, Traci misunderstood her fetish customer's request to wear a hoopskirt.

Best of metalgarth
"Catholic High School Girls Basketball Players in Trouble" a Samuel L. Bronkowitz production.

Best of censors hip
hey fellows...I'm wide open...stuff me

Threadwinner: curly
Camouflage maneuvers to use when your tampon string is showing.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Blonde Thawtbubble: "The guys tell me free throw orgasms are, like, the bestest ever."

Best of Steve O
Some girls just project that "I'm good to go" vibe.

A Little Late, But...

1. Anthropologists still do not understand the Canadian Fertility Ritual.

2. The Salute to Jenna Jameson was a highlight of the Vancouver Games.

3. The Lilliputians didn't understand what the prop from The Naked Gun was, but they decided to worship it anyway.

4. Did the Oscars really need a tribute to Jerry Mathers?

5. Inflatable Rubber Beaver. Inflatable Rubber Lumberjack. Come on, guys, you're so-o-o-o-o close!

Threadwinner: Best of GregMan
Maybe if all those lumberjacks hadn't pounded that beaver so much it wouldn't have gotten that big.

Best of Vinney
Thankfully the children didn't understand it, but the symbolism was disgusting as the giant beaver was slid to meet a giant rooster at mid-ice.

Best of blue
Canada's attempted invasion of the USA with their Trojan Beaver failed when it was discovered that all the US troops on the border supported the end of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Best of dub
Is it too much to ask to have it shaved first?!?

Best of HLam
After mumbling "I'll get that varmint", Bill Murray had an aneurysm.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Charlie Sheen's Thawtbubble: Hey, I recognize that beaver! I woke up in a strange motel room staring at it just a few nights ago.

Best of molson
So that's where Wynona's big brown beaver got off to.

Best of mega
Funny how it only took one guy to drag the beaver before the unions got involved.

Best of Submariner
The story was the same, but the "Faithful carrying the Arc of the Covenant through the wilderness" was retold in a slightly different manner by Canadian educators.

East indian Chiropacty

Brender

1. Nidal drew the short straw at the Family Guy Re-Enactment Club and so was assigned the part of Joe Swanson.

2. "Now we see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed."

3. Handicapped Parking: UR DOIN' IT WRONG!

4. Sanjay was warned what would happen if he didn't pay back the 30,000 rupees.

5. "Oh, sorry man. We probably shouldn't have used Toyota parts when we fixed this thing."

Best of GregMan
What happens in Dell Technical Support, stays in Dell Technical Support.

Best of blue
Not having read the script, Leroy auditioned for the lead role in the new gay musical "Sponge Bob Strong Ass".

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Sanjay learns that Ranjit wasn't kidding when he threatened to "stomp a mudhole in your ass and drive a tractor through it."

Best of Silhouette
Nothings (Hits and) Runs like a Deere.

Best of Army of Dad
Jimmy Cracked Corn loses something in translation.

Best of Jack Reacher
"So, are we clear on the health care vote?"
"Yes, Mr. Emanuel."

Best of molson
Barney Frank shook his head ruefully and thought to himself... "That's not how you plow some arse."

Best of Whacko
"OK, Sanjay, now flex your butt cheeks and I think we can get the lug bolts off."

Best of dadoctah
Sanjit's "guess the weight of your tractor" booth was the surprise hit of the harvest fair.

Best of Mr Hankey
Speedbump Millionaire

Best of Submariner
The One doing his dailey 1000 pushup regimen as envisioned by Chris Matthews.

Best of Matt the K
Urdu advertising tagline translation: "Nothing runs like a Bangladeshi, til you run him over with your Deere."

Best of mega
"Son, getting your ass ready for a House internship is no laughing matter. You're gonna have to toughen up and learn to take the pain."

Best of Rodney Dill
Jamal 'Tedder' Jones: "Help... I've been reaped."

Break Me Off a Piece of That

Nice Hat. I wish I had a hat like that.

Nasty Little Thing

1. Typical Tea Party family as envisioned by MSNBC.

2. Rick thought being a NAMBLA Nazi would make him the most hated person in America, but just to be sure, he threw some kittens into a wood chipper and put a Sarah Palin '12 sticker on his Hummer.

3. "Make sure you thank Mr. Gibson for the autographed T-shirt, Billy."

4. "I bet that bitch kindergarten teacher wouldn't have had a problem with a hammer-and-sickle T-shirt."

5. Rick began to wonder whether buying semen from that Argentinian cloning laboratory for his wife's in vitro had been a wide move.

Threadwinner: Mr. Hankey
Kyle goes to "Mein Day-Kampf"

Best of Vinney
"Daddy, after we see the Air and Space Museum, can we go to the Holocaust Museum? Please, please, please"!

Best of blue
"...and Daddy said next year we vacation in Poland"

Best of Dactyl
Kid thought bubble: "...and once I chew through this shirt I'm gonna start on my arm..."

Best of mega
Nazi apparel tastes surprisingly good.

Best of Rodney Dill
'Ah.... Spring in Livonia

Best of divine miss m
I wonder if this is how old man Kennedy felt when he watched his kids play touch football on the lawn?

Best of Army of Dad
Nazis, hanging your targets for you since 1933.

Best of BradyBunch
Like father like son

Best of mega
"Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be a derivatives-trading cosmpolitan who uses cunning words to steal money from good land-owning country-folk while producing nothing, and bringing gay culture to the theater while designing abstract theories for the government to reorganize our family units. Can I? Can I?"

Real Purty

1. Flo from the Progressive commercials looks shockingly different without make-up.

2. "Hurray! I can hypothetically get married in DC now."

3. Bruce was disappointed that no one took him up on his request to "Kiss my grits!"

4. As the recession deepens, unemployed alcoholics desperately try to take advantage of "2-for-1 Ladies Night" specials.

5. Sully described his new boy-toy as "Basically butch, if you are starting from an Adam Lambert/Johnny Weir baseline."

Best of Vinney
Now that Donnie got the hair part right. He eagerly awaited the next part of his Samurai Warrior correspondence course.

Best of dadoctah
Answering the oft-asked question: who do Trekkies laugh at?

Best of Jack Reacher
I'm beginning to see why so little anti-Proposition 8 lobbying was done in person.

Best of Submariner
Little Known Cap This! Fact: Phil Collins had a love child with Amy Winehouse.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
San Francisco-based neo-samurai swear to be stoic, fearless and always wear their gang bandanas* in public. *burgundy fuschia SKU#187, available at Walmart

Best of Rodney Dill
iGhey

Best of divine miss m
Samurai hairdresser.

Best of Matt the K
I guess the iPod is for masking his own cries during his daily schoolyard beatdowns.

Best of BradyBunch
This local San Franciscan was disappointed when he caused the "Fire on the Dance Floor"

Best of blue
"...and I am 1st prize in the ring toss game!"

Threadwinner: Matt the K
Once Swee'pea grew up all the folks in town knew Olive Oyl was a lyin' bitch. "Found him in a basket"--yeah right.

Weird Little Boy in a Star Trek Gown

1. As V the K prepares to welcome a new adoptarino into the house, let's take a quick look back at the Reject pile.

2. Back when he was known as "Young Master Ga-Ga."

3. "Mom and Dad, just take the damn picture so I can go back to trolling on Moonbattery."

4. "Still too butch!" simpered Safe Schools Czar Kevin Jennings.

5. Everyone tried to look their best for picture day at Barney Frank Elementary.

Threadwinner: blue
"...and when they wack my penis off I'll be a real girl!!"

Threadwinner Runner Up: Dactyl
Two, four, six, eight, this kid will never procreate! Gimme a G! gimme an H! Gimme an E! Gimme a Y! What's that spell?

Best of GregMan
I always wondered about Wesley Crusher. Now I know for sure.

Best of blue
" and if I don't wear panties I really get attention......"

Best of Eric
In a newly revealed photo, Leo DeCaprio is seen auditioning for the wrong part in Titanic.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Dear Ann Landers, Remember when you said it was okay for my 5-yr old to wear a dress? Well, he's almost 14 now...

Best of dadoctah
I don't know what it is, but next season it's moving in with the Kardashians.

Best of Army of Dad
NAMBLA Pron: Goldmember

Best of molson
This early photo of Ryan Seacrest sure explains a lot.

Best of Matt the K
Young Johnny Weir decides his 1st skating outfit is a bit too masculine.

Best of divine miss m
His parents hoped for a gladiator, but got a gladiola.

Best of Submariner
Hey dad! Guess who was voted "Most Fabulous" at my school!

Best of Steve O
Being gay, pregnant, and 12 yrs old is no way to go through life, son.

PBO Inspects Another Jar

1. "At the, um, White House, we, um, use a spoon to mix our, um, Kool-Aid."

2. "I didn't um, even know Crystal Light made a, um, Saltwater Effluent Flavor." "They don't, Mr. President."

3. "And then we hold the hamster under the water until it stops squirming." "And, the, um, point of this, um, experiment is?" "Experiment?"

4. Jon Corzine willingly proved his loyalty by sticking his arm in a blender, but Obama just laughed and said, "Did you really think I was gonna make you my 'Hawaiian Shirt Czar'... Lefty?"

5. "Dammit, now you went and got your white people cooties into my fortified wine!"

Threadwinner: Jack Reacher
"We've mixed equal parts Hope and Change, Mr. President, let them age for a while, and now we have....oh, geez, what is that smell?"

Best of Mr. Hankey
The Obama clone is coming along wonderfully - but it needs a little more dill.

Best of Army of Dad
Shouldn't, um, Piss Christ have uh, you know, a um, Christ in it?

Best of VInney
"This is the last batch of Heinz' Green Ketchup- the dumbest thing from Heinz except for Theresa. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you Senator Kerry."

Best of Capt. Queeg
Distracted by a hippie fisting a jar of sewage, John Kerry accidentily strays into the event horizon of the black hole experiment going on over at table 2.

Best of Jay Guevara
The Death Panel Czar checks the quality of a batch of Soylent Green.

Best of curly
“So if Joe Bidden takes just one small sip of this stuff, he won’t be able to speak for a month?”

Best of blue
The sex ed teacher demonstrates to the president how to properly wash your hand before doing a reach around....
Senator Kerry can't wait for Obama to wash his hand.....

Best of censors hip
Obama watches with a puzzled look on his face as the instructor uses a simulator to demonstrate proper fisting techniques

Best of Highlander
"... and so, Mr. President, as part of our emphasis on going green, we are currently demonstrating to the students the benefits of recycling seemingly unusable material. For instance, we've discovered that bong-water makes an excellent exfoliant when used in the right amounts."

Best of dub
Ok....who shit in the stimulus jar again??

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Nah, Mr. President, we don't need more funding for special education. The tykes can play with this homemade fingerpaint for hours, plus it makes for a fairly palatable lunch. Here, lick my finger.

Best of Dactyl
Ever see that Star Trek movie where Ricardo Montalban drops a sand eel into Chekov's ear? Come a little closer...

Best of Silhouette
"And if my rabbit cage experiment didn't convince you, this jar proves that Bush caused Katrina and the Christmas tsunami."

Best of mega
"And this is the exact composition of the water when the PT boat went through." Kerry's Vietnam war-hero fetish was tiresome, but every Senate vote is sacred.

Best of Mr. Hankey
As Obama goes shopping for new brains for Joe Biden, he checks out the clearance rack.

Begging the Obvious Captions

1. M'Chel was furious to discover a slight belly roll on the kindergartner.

2. After a third child had his head bitten off, the White House made a note to cancel M'Chel's public appearance whenever she was PMSing.

3. M'Chel was furious. "Tell me who threw the cream pie, or the child dies!"

4. The updated fairy-tale The Empress Is Wearing an Ugly Dress Made From Sofa Upholstery had a very different, very gory ending.

5. Hillary fumed in impotent rage. "She's eating all the best children herself!"

Beast of Army of Dad
"Give me the money of the halfling gets it!"

Beast of Rodney Dill
What's in your rugrat?

Beast of mega
"Straddling the Erection" was considered a light-hearted photo book suitable for 3rd graders or "especially mature" 1st and 2nd graders.

Beast of molson
The Orcs blamed the blue eyed white skinned devils for their banking system collapse, but the real cause was the Orcs are just bad at math.

Beast of Mr. Hankey
Someone fed Michelle after midnight...

Beast of Dactyl
Yeah, I love kids. I can never eat a whole one though, I usually just order the half rack.

Beast of dadoctah
The last photo Jenny Craig received before unceremoniously dumping Kirstie Alley from her contract.

Beast of GregMan
M'chel looks better than usual in this picture. Did she get a new hairdresser?

Beast of Matt the K
No one knows if it was the mange or the rabies that made Chewbacca go on a toddler-eating rampage.

Beast of Kaptain Krude
"Vote for my husband, or I shall consume your progeny!" The 2012 Presidential campaign began a little early for the Obamas.

Beast of Kaptain Krude
"Too fat, throw it back!" The Rage Virus turned dub into a zombie, but he still had standards, dammit!

Sunday Free For All

Threadwinner Best of David
Twinkie Monster was one of the most beloved characters at the Folsom Street Fair.

Best of Adriane
Cookie's mother learned a valuable lesson, but at such a cost ...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In hindsight, the National Zoo's decision to create an educational exhibit on headlice and grooming probably shouldn't have been delegated to the new Director of Primates without ascertaining why he resigned suddenly from Sesame Street.

Best of Blue
mmmmmm - the other white meat

Best of curly
Although Michael Jackson’s ghost looked nothing like the earthly personification of the Gloved Pedophile, it nonetheless still enjoyed giving head jobs to young boys.

Best of Army of Dad
Ang Lee remake of Monsters Inc.

Best of Eric
50 years removed from knowledge of the Sheb Wooley song, little Timmy had no natural fear of purple people eaters.

Best of Submariner
"Little b@stard had it coming for loving Sponge Bob more than me..."

Best of dadoctah
In retrospect, maybe there could have been a better mascot for the fight against childhood obesity than Melvin the Giant Carnivorous Prune.

The Sea Was Angry that Day...

Fred Miranda


1. After her cannonball, Rosie O'Donnell was barred from the LPGA tour.

2. "All right, who awakened Cthulu?"

3. Few pros survived the Scylla and Charybdis Invitational.

4. "Poseidon is angry. Tiger, you didn't happen to seduce any naiads while you were tomcatting did you?"

5. "Just another European cruise ship going down, can't let it mess with my putt."

Threadwinner Best of Rodney Dill
"Release the Kraken!"

Best of HLam
Gods version of "Noonan...Noooonan!"

Best of Submariner
Terminal Flatulence: Usually a two stroke penalty on the PGA tour.

Best of jj
A voice in the crowd, " IS ANYBODY A MARINE BIOLOGIST?"

Best of Jack Reacher
The course isn't that hard, but the ball washer will kill you.

Best of mega
Seaworld's CEO continued with the putt, refusing to be distracted by the splishly-splashly stuff.

Best of racerboy
Ever have that not-so-fresh feeling?

Best of curly
Who put Cecil D. DeMille in charge of the Gulf Channel?

For My Bunghole

1. Preparing for a visit from Michael Moore requires extensive pre-planning.

2. How big is the load of crap known as the ObamaCare bill... here's a graphic representation... of the first ten pages.

3. In an undated file photo, Barbara Bush examines the country's strategic TP reserve.

4. Survivalism tips from Glenn Beck: "Once your hoard of gold and freeze dried food is secured, begin stocking up on secondary items."

5. TPing John Edwards house takes an extraordinary degree of preparation.

Threadwinner Best of Mr. Hankey
Step 1: Collect all the Toilet Paper in the World.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit!!!

Best of GregMan
After the collapse of the American economy, Warren Buffet corners another vital market segment.

Best of blue
Roger Ebert needs assistance with more than talking....

Best of duke of red
Ralph Stanley had reached that unfortunate point in life; finally been around long enough to be a legend, but so old you can't trust a fart.

Best of Army of Dad
"This is how I roll."

Best of Silhouette
She told them to stay off her lawn and She Meant It, Dammit. As investigators continue to unearth bodies, some decades old, Mrs. Watterson said only, "I helped defeat the Hun. They think I couldn't handle some punks armed with Charmin?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Gertrude Fluger's grandson says, "To my knowledge, she only watched one episode of Seinfeld. Then, the OCD kicked in and she lived out her life mumbling, I don't have a square to spare."

Best of jj
The government prepares to resume production of Hillary's tampons.

Best of jeff
Soon after this, Jack was forced to take Granny's Costco card away from her.

Best of dadoctah
"Congratulations. You've successfully assembled the Interociter. Next the leaders of Metaluna will assign you a task that's less complex, but no less all-involving."

Best of Spin
In the year 2525 Sheryl Crow's ancestors were still well stocked.

Best of divine miss m
It's clear where she expects to be when her laxative kicks in.

Best of mega
The Golden Girls reunion movie had a certain post-dementia, almost insane vibe.

Best of dadoctah
After Ed Wood Jr died, Criswell was forced to earn a living by appearing at warehouse-club openings.

Bungholio Friday Continues

1. "Crazy white folk, looting a Kmart when there's a Old Navy just a block away." Dawn shook her head.

2. Despite the rioting, Wal-Mart steadfastly refused to open another lane.

3. Keith Olbermann's assistants scramble to keep up with the frantic pace of his masturbation.

4. Gallagher's obsessive-compulsive housewife picks up a few days worth of paper towels.

5. For REALLY heavy flow days, not even wings are enough.

Threadwinner Best of Mr. Hankey
Tonight...we sh*t....and we will sh*t good.

Best of Double the U
"I got a high def TV!"
"I got a surround sound stereo system"
"I got a DVD system for the car with three monitors"

So... what did you get?

Best of censors hip
hey looters, ever try to wipe your butt with a TV???

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The UnDUB - Wow, lookit the rolls on that babe!

Best of Jack Reacher
While the fools in the electronics section kill themselves on Black Friday, Dawn makes out like a bandit.

Best of dub
I tried to warn her that she wouldnt sh*t right for a week, but did she listen? Nooooooo!!

Best of dadoctah
"Mom, Dad? I'd like you to say hi to my girlfriend, Kimberly Clark."

Best of Vinney
The Left was in a panic as Michael Moore's diarrhea was about to engulf Gotham.

Pier One

Another Slant