Saturday, January 30, 2010

Second Rate Pronography Saturday

So, what do you make of this?



1. Leni Riefenstahl and Mel Gibson remake 'The Road.'

2. Dick Cheney and Barack Obama: As pictured by MSNBC.

3. "Well, you can ask, but I don't think The Wizard is going to kill all the Jews. Maybe you should just ask for that other testicle."

4. "Wow, can you believe both of us are banned from LFG?"

5. "How can we be the Three Amigos unless Bob Saget shows up?"

Oh, yeah, it's like totally the Best of Submariner
So, tell me Adolph; what did it feel like when you bombed Pearl Harbor?

Oh, yeah, it's like totally the Best of Jack Reacher
"I just want to prepare you. Dad is pretty pissed at you."

Oh, yeah, it's like totally the Best of Vinney
"So, Mr. Soros does my picture capture your distorted view of the world"?

Oh, yeah, it's like totally the Best of Kaptain Krude
"Look, I don't mind walking along with you, but the goose-stepping has got to stop."

Oh, yeah, it's like totally the Best of Shawn
"Okay, so we're agreed. Susan Boyle dies."

Oh, yeah, it's like totally the Best of Adriane
Your own ... personal ... Nazi!
Reach out and touch Fritz!

Oh, yeah, it's like totally the Best of dadoctah
I'm not surprised they're walking. Neither one of them is the type to chip in for gas.

Oh, yeah, it's like totally the Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Oh Adolph, you're kidding! You actually prayed for help to win your war? Well, that redefines chutzpah, don't it?

Oh, yeah, it's like totally the Best of Mr. Hankey
No..the correct answer was "Mormons"

Oh, yeah, it's like totally the Best of Rodney Dill
"...and then I said, 'Panzer? I don't even know her.'"

Friday, January 29, 2010

Pandamonium

Brender 1. "So, which way to the sexual harassment conference?"

2. "No, I think a caption based on the short-lived 1970's animated Brady Bunch series would be far too obscure."

3. "'Eats shoots and leaves'... sounds like our first date."

4. "This must be where they crucify the guys who don't meet their crappy toy export quotas."

5. A newly released video implicates ACORN in trafficking in endangered species... DEVELOPING.

Best of dub
Standard Capshun #321: Andrew Sullivan's Google search for "Hot Asian Bears" left him disappointed..

Best of GregMan
Chen and Wong were so engrossed in their map reading they didn't even notice they were being eaten by Pandas.

Best of dadoctah
Anticipating trouble, the police dispatcher sent two black-and-whites to the square to await further developments.

Best of mega
"Bringing them three Christians to string up seems like a lotta f'ing work for two stupid hats...just sayin'"

Best of Matt the K
The Chinese Army tries to put on a'softer, kinder face' by equipping tank crews with special headgear for the 20th anniversary of Tiananmen Square.

Best of Shawn
Based on past experience, the Chinese Government tries a new tactic to keep their people from mating.

Best of Rodney Dill
What's Black and White and Red all over?

Best of dadoctah
"Keep looking. There's supposed to be a bamboo store right around here somewhere."

Everybody looks like an idiot in Crocs

Brender


1. Harok-ptui.

2. "It's kind of like fisting Andrew Sullivan, but tighter and less dangerous."

3. "Hey! I found your cat!"

4. "Hey, I found the Crocodile Hunter's baby!"

5. Julio's "ingenious" scheme for smuggling cocaine, crystal, and PCP ultimately netted him a Darwin Award.

Best of Vinney
"You think this is dangerous? Wait until I give him the colonoscopy."

Best of Silhouette
Making toys ain't looking so bad now, is it Hermey?

Best of blue
I'll find that 60th senate vote somewhere

Best of dub
Phillipines...the Enumclaw of the South Pacific.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Oh! Look! Barack Obama's college thesis!"

Best of dadoctah
That guy's got guts. I don't know if I could bring myself to french kiss Nancy Pelosi.

Best of robert
Looks like a little gingivitis... are you flossing?

Best of Submariner
Someone ought to tell him that Al Franken no longer needs additional votes...

Best of molson
Looks like somebody is going to need another Portuguese Water Dog.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Looking for love in all the wrong places. UR Doing It Right!

Best of mega
"Yeah, OK, I'll let it give me head." Sadly, one-upping your friends on Youtube has become more and more challenging.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

'Ow to Speak Orstralyun



Best of John.....just John
I've never wanted to be a lanyard so bad in my life.

Best of Buzzhead
If this is what she looks like now, what will she look like at closing time?

Best of Vinney possibly
Foster's: It's Australian for nice rack.

Best of eat me
Damn... I would let her do me

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Get Dirty



Best of Carpe Phlogiston
As the ravenous migrating ant colony left the poor girl in search of something with more meat on the bones, dub and Carpe move in for the kill.

Best of Vinney
Sexually frustrated, Felix Unger told one of the Pidgeon sisters to either take a shower before sex or she could have sex with Oscar.

Best of Army of Dad
ORA:
Kenny: She is a dirty, dirty girl.
Vic: I wonder if her name is Sandy!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Off Topic Pondering #2
Anybody else think V should apply for a grant from the NEA? CaptionThis is representative of the Virtual Reality Post-Coitalism genre. If the vetting committee rejects him, it'll be because this blog is more hi-brow than most artsy fartsy performance artists.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Gesundheit!

Window dressing

Melons

blue

1. I never really cared what had happened to Alanis Morrisette, but it's kind of nice to know, anyway.

2. "Everything seems to remind me of my lesbian affair with Carmen Electra."

3. Realizing the purchase would only lead to ridicule, Mrs. dub just buys some tangelos instead.

4. When you only have enough money for fresh fruit or shampoo, choose wisely.

5. Another naive intern misinteprets the SecState's request.

Wicked Best of Double the U
...remember don't squeeze the melons as hard as the baby's heads... don't squeeze the melons as hard as the baby's heads...

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hmmm.... I wonder if trying to swallow one of these things whole for the last 5 years has done any permanent damage to my lips."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Cold sore viruses experience tiny multiple orgasms when they see lips like those.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Oonag's shrill hoots soon alerted the rest of the tribe to her new-found bounty.

Sheena... Queen of the Melon Women

blue

1. "This is the last time I borrow a prom dress from Army of Mom."

2. Scott Brown's other daughter is even more available.

3. "Well, what else was I supposed to wear to the Golden Globe awards?"

4. Courtney Cox throws the best Superbowl parties!

5. ♫ "Golden words she will pour in your ear/ But her lies can't disguise what you fear/ For a golden boy knows when he's kissed her/ It's the kiss of death ... From Ms Goldhooters..."

Best of paul
Find at least three fake things in this picture.

Best of divine miss m
Ang Lee's The Hunchfront of Notre Dame.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Bubble, bubble, gold and bubble. By the twitching of my thumbs
Something skanky this way comes.

Best of Matt the K
Travolta's outfit for "Staying Alive II" was a bit over the top.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Pouty-lipped skankasaur's thawtbubble when asked any question: "Huh??"

Best of sonicfrog
Sheena continued to sun bathe even after the doctor diagnosed her with a particularly bad case of melon-oh-my.

Best of Buzzhead
I think that is one of the robots from Future World. There is definitely a lot of plastic in it.

Best of Army of Dad
James Bond jumps the shark with the next movie, Goldcougar.

Best of mega
The plastic surgery went well, and the performance of "I got you babe" was her best in decades.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Facepaint



1. What happens when you give a BJ to the inventor of Wonder Bread.

2. Michael J. Fox's career as a face-painter was not a success.

3. The Mime Tribute to Jackson Pollack was paid for with $880,000 in Stimulus spending and reliably estimated to have created or saved 3,000 jobs.

4. Janeane Garofalo was the biggest makeover challenge ever. Alas....

5. The serial killer made each of his victims a tribute to a famous 20th century artist. Jackson Pollack, obviously. A whore murdered with a soup can honored Andy Warhol. But the dismembered Picasso tribute made even Grissom throw up.

Best of Rodney Dill
Yes we Kandinsky

Best of censors hip
watching Avatar in 3D & IMAX really puts you in the action....

Best of Vinney
Kabuki bukakke.

Best of dadoctah
"She comes in colors everywhere"
-- The Rolling Stones

Best of Army of Dad
thought bubble: Oh damn, did he get some in my hair again!

Best of Jack Reacher
You think it was easy painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling?

Best of Silhouette
You laugh, but Stacy here qualified for every single affirmative action scholarship the university offered.

Best of Silhouette
Captain Kirk sighed, "Another one? Yeah, I'm probably your dad too."

Best of Submariner
I didn't know that Leroy Neiman had done a "Hillary" but, surprisingly, I kinda like it.

Best of Adriane
Well, like the reason you've never been too close to a friend chucking up a bottle of Pepto-Bismol is that you've got well, like, ya know, boring friends!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Marcy's bad habit of applying makeup while driving ended abruptly... the day she was rushing to a job interview on a bumpy road and forgot to check the rear view mirror.

Best of DaveP.
Clown bukkake.

Another Day at the Dinosaur Media

Shawn

1. "Your piece about the blogging fad needs a few more denunciations of right-wing tea baggers, Al."

2. "Three hundred pages of 'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.' I'm worried about you, Tom."

3. "... And that's why Barack Obama is the bestest president ever. Sincerely, Ellie Light."

4. The writing staff of Law & Order hold their morning story session.

5. "And if they don't publish our Manifesto, we start blowin' up shite!"

Best of molson
So what can we blame Boosh for today? Gay marriage? Yeah let's go with that. Plus, it ties in nicely with global warming because the warmer it gets the gayer you can dress.

Best of dub
Dear Penthouse,
I never thought this would happen to me at Sunny Acres Retirement....

Best of Jay Guevara
"There. That wraps up another 60 Minutes script."

Best of censors hip
my spellchecker at work...who sez I'm not high tech?

Best of Capt. Queeg
18 August 1973

Memo to File

SUBJECT: CYA

1. Staudt has obviously pressured Hodges.....

Best of dadoctah
"How do you surf for pr0n on this thing?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"You know what? Never mind; you don't actually need to write your resignation letter for Air America."

Best of Silhouette
Found on page 847 of the latest healthcare bill, a requirement that all requests for medical care be typed on a machine built in your birth year.

Best of Silhouette
The look of the new Apple tablet surprised everyone.

Best of Submariner
Helen Thomas' grandchildren work on her eulogy.

Best of Jay Guevara
"No, no, it's "s" before the "c" in "fascist."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
With 30 million people poised to join the ranks of pill-takers, CVS is proud to announce they're hiring of hundreds of new pharmacy assistants just to type labels.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Hey Old Guy



1. "98 years old? Why haven't you offed yourself for the common good?"

2. "So, you're the Ellie Light?"

3. "So, you joined the Russian Revolution with John Reed? Dude, you rock! How many bourgeois peasants did you kill?"

4. "You say you're only 38 years old, but you masturbate a lot on Thursdays? That's very interesting."

5. "The Huey Lewis? Man, I wondered what had ever happened to you."

Best of Jay Guevara
"Hey, go figure. I just found a white man I like."

Best of Jay Guevara
"I like this little guy. Tell the death panels to cut him some slack."

Best of Spin
Old man thot bubble: Damn, I'm never gonna live this down back at the lodge.

Best of molson
So how does it feel when I do sex to you old man? You better say good or I'll do even more.

Best of censors hip
and Harold here is my new transplant czar...I keep him available in case I need a new liver

Best of Jack Reacher
"Just a misunderstanding, everyone. Turns out, I wasn't actually on his lawn."

Best of Mr. Hankey
The old Mission Impossible team is back together.

Best of metalgarth
Carl.... blah, blah, blah... Mr Burns... blah, blah, blah.... Is it 2012 yet? I need a new presidential gag to run into the ground.

Best of blue
Casting calls for the I SPY Reunion show brought out an aging Robert Culp and Bill Cosby Lite.

What kind of idiot...


1. "I'm Ron Burgundy. Go f--k yourself, Jefferson Elementary."

2. "Oh, wow, man, I said wait a second, man. What do you think the teacher's gonna look like this year?"

3. "Why did they all move their desks to the back of the room when I said the Safe School Czar would be speaking next?"

4. Robert Gibbs and David Plouffe vigorously denied that Obama cheated to win the sixth grade spelling bee.

5. Despite extensive preparations, the Parent Teacher Conference turned out to be a disaster. Hussein kept insisting that Malia's class performance "isn't about me," and M'Chel tore out the principal's heart with her b'at l'eth for a perceived insult of her honor.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Hardball questions such as - "Why isn't that crook Tim Geithner in jail?" - "We were evicted on Christmas Eve, how was Hawaii?" - "Why send millions to Haiti and billions to Afgahnistan while Appalachians and Native Americans live in squalor?" - had Obamalama missing the candyass White House press corps.

Best of D. Dean
Uh, well kids... the teleprompters went out. Time for recess.

Best of sonicfrog
ORA: ♫ He went there to read a letter, meow, meow, meow.
Where the reading light was better, meow, meow, meow... ♫

Best of GregMan
"When I was in school, the first thing they taught us was what direction Mecca was."

Best of Jay Guevara
"And now, kids, we'll proceed with the reading of My Pet...(teleprompter scrolls)...Goat.

Best of Vinney
"Hey kids, where's the bathroom here so I sneak in a smoke"?

Best of Submariner
No, not exactly true that "anyone can grow up to be President." You have to be light skinned, have no discernible negro accent, and never, Ever, EVER make a substantive campaign promise.

Best of metalgarth
If this can't get me a date with Edna Krabbable, then nothing can!

Best of Double the U
The problems here are can be traced back to the fifth grade teacher.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Can't I just eat my graham cracker?"

Dum-De-Dum-Dum-Dum


1. "What do you, um, mean I have to wear this in the, um, Limo from now on?"

2. "From now on, um, Robert Gibbs has to, um, wear this in his um, news conferences. There will be no more, um, ear biting, um, incidents."

3. "Well, I um, figured since doing Michelle was like, um, nailing a New Orleans Saints linebacker anyway. I might as well, um, go with the fetish."

4. "And with my endorsement and the unwavering support of my White House campaign team, the Jets will be unstoppable. Unstoppable!"

5. "Let me be clear, this helmet is not about me!"

Wicked Best of sonicfrog
ORA: I'm The Obamanaught.... Bitch!

Best of molson
Ooob no need helmet. Ooob brain small.

Best of Silhouette
"Thanks! Just let me get on my mom jeans and we can go outside and, uh, kick a few."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Q: How's the First Helmet like the Dems' promise of universal healthcare that covers everyone, won't cost anything and eliminates fraud?
A: It's shiny and pretty on the outside, has a fine print disclaimer on the back admitting it doesn't really provide much protection, and underneath... why, it's completely hollow.

Best of divine miss m
Just put the #$%& on already, and try to remember not to lick the windows, either.

Best of HLam
I've decided to license the rights to the Presidential Seal to the NFL to help pay for Universal Healthcare.

Best of Adriane
I must say, this riding helmet will look fabulous with my polo unicorn!

Best of Submariner
So, um, how long before, um, it becomes a, um, chia pet?

Best of dadoctah
"All I *really* wanted was some of those big-ass shoulder pads like my Secretary of State wears."

Best of Steve O
Obama makes sure every knows that the Superbowl is not just about Him.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Freak Shopping Trip




Wicked Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Lord Humungous got to terrorize the Auastralian Outback. Lady Humungous got to do the shopping.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Boy, I sure am glad this isn't in a green-and-yellow polka dot. That would just look too weird for me."

Best of Matt the K
Boy George thought he could deflect attention from his prolapsed rectum condition by claiming the pampers were for his niece.

Best of Double the U
Just flew in from the year 2515, need to pick up some stuff here at Walmart and blend in.

Best of Viking04
Things to do:
1) Stick finger in lightsocket
2) Replace diaper, due to 1)
3) Off to Wally World for more diapers
4) Repeat

Best of eat me
AoM stocking up before her date with mullet boy

Best of dadoctah
Just restocking the shelter before the hurricane hits. (Now, where do they keep the beef jerky?)

Best of Submariner
Funny; she doesn't quite look like one to give her daughter Malibu Barbie...

Best of Army of Dad
"Damn, these will never fit in the sidecar."

Mexican Recliners

Blondie
Wicked Best of Kaptain Krude
"Sí."
"Sí."
"Sí."
"Dang ol' Sí."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Waiting room" means something different at a Home Depot in California.

Best of Vinney
At the new Mexico City Stadium, the sky boxes were something else.

Best of mega
"Man, Ted Nugent effing rocks!! When is Palin coming onstage?"

Best of dub
Ok, zee whole ees dug....but why did Meeester Condit ask us to deeeg eeeet?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Recliner exec in boardroom: "Let it go, Lester. Sure, you suggested the dual use wheelbarrow design 8 years ago to penetrate the burgeoning immigrant market; but you know the damned liberals in the ACLU would've claimed the name Lazyboy was demeaning and insensitive!"

Best of satted
Detroit city union workers fixing the city streets....

Best of Rodney Dill
Vote for Pedro

Friday, January 22, 2010

That's Why They Call It Roundball

Brender

1. Dad?

2. Barney Frank High was known for its freaky cheerleaders and come-from-behind victories.

3. We've switched Bobby Knight's usual mood elevators with pure mescaline. Let's see if anyone notices.

4. Fifteen years later, this guy became the Safe Schools Czar.

5. "Hakuna Mutata!"

Best of Vinney
Fred just couldn't understand the concept and purpose of a sports bra.

Best of Adriane
Great News!!! Skipper finally got off that tropical island after all.

Best of paul
Man-boob training bra: FAIL

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
After he lost it during a press conference and just couldn't get through a single sentence without giggling uncontrollably, Former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs had to take whatever job he could get.

Best of Submariner
Fat, dressed like a bad south Pacific islands stereotype, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

Best of Army of Dad
"Well they are the rainbows!"

Best of mega
Liberal chicks are nowhere NEAR as good looking as our conservative hotties.

Best of Dactyl
Siddown, Dub.

Best of Submariner
Whoa! How much HAS Hillary lost on Adkins?


An Awesome Band My Son Listens To

Maylene and the Sons of Disaster


1. "C'mon, one of you monors has to have a lighter."

2. Yeah, this is basically what one of my family reunions looks like. And they think I'm weird because I became a Mormon.

3. Tea Party groups around the nation celebrated the election of Scott Brown to the Senate.

4. Andrew Sullivan expresses one of his more coherent criticisms of Christian conservatives.

5. Ang Lee, Gus Van Sant, and Samuel L. Brokowitz put together couldn't come up with anything more twisted than this.

6. ORA: Ever had the braintrust at the Discarded Lies blog turn on you? This is a pretty good simulation of the experience. (I think the one in the middle is Gordon.)

Best of censors hip
The Welcome Wagon of cell block 12 greets the new arrivals.....

Best of dadoctah
The Red Hot Chili Peppers have really let themselves go.

Best of Adriane
Some people just haven't mastered this 'prison pants' thang ...

Best of Jay Guevara
Candidates for "Decency Czar" became restive waiting to be interviewed by the President.

Best of Matt the K
Suddenly jobless, the staff of Air America go on a rampage.

Best of molson
Things I wouldn't hit for a million dollars. This one came in just behind Janet Reno.

Best of mpur
The Ace of Spades ball dipping rituals after the victory in Mass. was a special thing, but seriously, we didn't need pictures.

Best of Kaptain Krude
I shudder to ask which one is Maylene.

Best of Jack Reacher
Douchebags seek hot chicks. Object: Web site.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Sugar We're Going Down...



Best of censors hip
Here, let me take off my bra so V the K can use some of his balloons.....

Best of Steve O
From the bestselling book, "She's Just Not Going To Be Into You"

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "Wow! I guess Charlie Sheen IS always trying to find out what underwear everybody is wearing. It isn't just a commercial..."

Best of dadoctah
You're going to be seeing a lot more of this kind of thing as airport security tightens. Unfortunately most people who fly don't look anything like this.

Best of Submariner
"Well, you DID spring for a steak dinner at Morton's..."

Best of DaveP.
Proper military discipline, explained: "At Ease" position.

Look Familiar, Subby?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Behold the Awesome Power of Mullet Man



1. "I should respond to the Mullet Signal by hopping in the Mulletmobile and racing to the scene of the crime... but first, 20 more curls."

2. "My mullet and tight upper body distracts everyone from the cancerous lesion on my right calf."

3. "Mulletman requires laces and velcro to secure the Mulletsneakers to my powerful Mulletfeet."

4. "Nice try, Cletus, but I really don't think Ang Lee wants to do a sequel to Joe Dirt."

5. "I can't stand mullets," Army of Mom seethed. "You better be huge!'

Biblical Best of Dactyl
But were his long denim shorts to be shorn off, his God-given strength would vanish and the Philistines would be victorious.

Best of censors hip
Bud Bundy tones up but still can't get laid

Best of Unscrupulous
He's all business in the front, party in the back, and douche bag all over.

Best of Army of Mom
I can give him a haircut. What worries me is his decorating. What is that on his wall?

Best of Jay Guevara
A pair of dumbells.

Best of Submariner (sort of)
Introducing; V the K's third blogosphere alter-ego, Gregory of Pects

Best of dub
Dont flex so hard and you wont shit all those bricks.

Best of Matt the K
Next up on A&E's "Trailer Park Trimmers", 'Rat Tails: 1/10 the the mullet but three times the meth.'

Swahili Squaredance

Brender
1. Until the wedding dance, Kaneesha had no clue about the colony of ferrets nesting in Malik's crotch.

2. I don't care if it's an African custom, you don't rub your junk in chicken blood in weasel country.

3. The next day, when they were all wiped out in an earthquake, Pat Robertson said, "See, I told you so."

4. And it's still less freaky than gay marriage to most Americans.

5. Richard Gere is, like, so jealous.

Best of kg
I thought the White House didn't have any 1 year anniversary parties planned.

Best of Vinney
This endzone celebration crap is going too far.

Best of dub
Worst.Pubes.Ever.

Best of Rodney Dill
I see Nike is resorting to endorsements from just about anybody.

Best of Silhouette
CapThis regulars celebrate wildly after Scott Brown's victory.

Best of dadoctah
...meanwhile, in another part of town, Harry Reid's head was mysteriously getting smaller and smaller.

Best of Submariner
THAT'S no way to kill roaches!

Best of Jay Guevara
No one had the heart to tell ACORN that Coakley lost.

Best of HLam
M'chel knew that the red hat and blue hair clashed with her $750 sneakers but she intended to hack to death anyone who spoke up with her machete.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
M*A*S*H Nairobi - The Sequel

When the sun goes down, the tide goes out,
The people gather 'round and they all begin to shout,
"Hey! Hey! Uncle Dud,
It's a treat to beat your feet on the Mississippi Mud.
It's a treat to beat your feet on the Mississippi Mud.

Best of SamEyeAm
Dashiki on the ground,
dashiki on the ground,
Lookin' like a fool with your dashiki on the ground...

Best of metalgarth
Obama hires the best Voodoo Economists in the world as an attempt to decrease unemployment

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I am so tired of these mother-f***ing gophers in my mother-f***ing lawn!" Hollywood has officially run out of ideas.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Really, Really Gay Marriage


1. "Same sex marriage? No, just a crazy scavenger hunt. See the list: kicky scarf, cop's sunglasses, hood ornament from a Mercedes, Gilligan's hat, matching chiffon wedding gowns, San Francisco marriage license ..."

2. "We met at a Safe School Czar conference on fisting sixth graders."

3. "I'll never forget the night we met... in a rest area on the turnpike, when we were both blowing the governor of New Jersey."

4. "Silly goose! When you wrote your own vows, you misspelled 'coprophilia.'"

5. "This is my manifesto. It's a lot like the Unabomber's, but with more frequent use of the word 'fabulous.'"

Best of molson
Well there goes breakfast and lunch. This gay marriage thing is better than Atkins.

Best of Submariner
I feel pretty.
I feel pretty.
I feel pretty and witty and...
Well, you know the rest of it.

Best of Vinney
"It's my grandmother's dress, Bruce. I wish she were alive to see me wear it."

Best of Unscrupulous
Perennial bridesmaid Bruce Sachet finally "shows them" he's no second fiddle.

Best of satted
Ok, I had to look coprophilia up. And now my day is some how altered for the worse.....tks

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Nothing says loving like wedding vows scrawled on the back of a Denny's menu in ketchup by a drunk CHIPs motorcycle cop and a transvestite biker chick.

Best of dadoctah
When the minister asked if anyone knew a reason why these two should not be joined together, the hiss of stifled laughter was deafening.

Best of Dactyl
Not where the white women are at.

Best of Steve O
I don't know about you guys, but I'm definitely picking up a "gay" vibe from these two.

Best of Spin
Does this mean Vin Diesel is a bottom?

Best of GregMan
Bridezillas finally jumps the shark.

Best of racerboy
Ahhh... so where does one go to find a bridal gown that'll accomodate a 28-inch bicep?

Best of divine miss m
May I now present, Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick!

Throw Down Your False Gods and Worship Me!


1. "Ia! ... um... Ia! Cthulhu ...um... fhtagn!"

2. "Wow, Barney Frank is really going to town on the boys' choir."

3. Obama, a cross, and two phallic symbols? Andrew Sullivan just wet his pants.

4. "I give Christianity a solid B+ as a religion."

5. "Just lay my prayer rug down right there... Oh, sorry, force of habit."



Best of Rodney Dill
"I'm so liberal I can't even stand being close to my right hand."

Best of dub
And thus, the American economy is headed this way...

Best of molson
Ha! I'm better than Wilt. He may have banged thousands of broads, but I did sex to an entire nation.

Best of Submariner
While M'chel consumes that one's spleen, does anyone else want to raise a "little correction" to something I've said?

Best of censors hip
The bathrooms are this way & if any of you are artists you may take the cross with you

Best of Vinney
"And now the choir will sing Ave Obama, mmm, mmm, mmm."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
My fellow light and dark skinned breathren with negroid features... to fit in, this is how honkies shake hands. We, uh, I mean they don't do jive knuckle banging nor the high five slapadoodle thing!

Best of Unscrupulous
Yessir. In fact it is this long.

Best of Dactyl
Baldy in the back is having a dream too, looks like.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I've spilled wine here to show you how Sham Wow works better than anything at cleaning it up."

Monday, January 18, 2010

The Detroit City Council Takes an Early Spring Break

Brender

1. "Wow! These 3-D glasses really add to the effect of dub's projectile vomiting."

2. Avatar II, Pandora becomes a resort, and the floating mountains collapse under the collective weight of these women.

3. "I had a dream, but this sure the Hell wasn't it." - Martin Luther King.

4. "And just what kind of virgins were you expecting, Mr. Mohammed Abu Mohammed?"

5. "Damn, Sheneequa, you do need shades to stop the glare off BO's glistening pecs... but that Chris Matthews just keep on starin'. That fool goin' blind, unh-huh!"

Best of mega
ObamaCare coverage for glaucoma treatment is seen as not benefiting the rich fat-cats and their fetish for eye operations.

Best of Army of Dad
Dottie swears off Hinduism and starts worshipping the sun.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ahmadinejad's public beheadings and stonings draw rave reviews, too... "The heads seem to bounce right off the stage and into our laps!" cried one excited zealot. "And the way rocks fly around... oh they always make me duck!"

Best of Rodney Dill
-- from the 2010 Babes of Bagram Calenday

Best of Jack Reacher
Executive retreats for Microsoft Tech. Support sure have changed.

Best of Vinney
Slum Dog Millionaire goes 3D.

Best of Submariner
ORA: Basking in the afterglow for the 0.3 milliseconds before the Tehran sands turns to green glass.

Best of Shawn
"Nailin' Palin in 3-D" finally makes it to the New Delhi Omnimax.

Best of Tim
the original cylons bodies were chosen by the scientists wives

Best of Dactyl
Scott Summers' illegitimate children looking up Giganta's skirt.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Man, En Vogue have REALLY let themselves go.

Reflections of... the way life used to be...


1. "Mr. Cheney, as soon as you're done shtupping Cokey Roberts, we really need to get the motorcade moving."

2. "Ah, Mr. Gore... welcome to the Global Warming Conference. We've reserved a deck of the parking garage for your motorcade."

3. "Well, Mrs. Clinton, it seems your motorcade ran over a little girl, and the 'peasants' are not going to be satiated by some shiny stones and an autographed copy of It Takes a Village."

4. "Squeegee your windows, Mr. Trump?"

5. "Brilliant, Mrs. Coakley! Those bull-testicles hanging from the trailer hitch will surely win over those 'ignorant redneck Christianist voters' that have been turning to Brown."

Best of blue
What do you mean? I have to ride in the back? on MLK day?

Best of mega
"Mrs. Coakley, would you like to come out and meet a citizen? Sometimes, new experiences can get the blood flowing, ma'am."

Best of Submariner
So, um, Miss Dawn; Old Navy as usual?

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Saturday Free For All with Horndog and Coakhead


I'll get it started,

1. "Um, that was the dog."

Wicked Best of Jack Reacher
"Come on people, you put Ted Kennedy in office for decades. Now you have some scruples?"

Best of blue
& I'm here to state that Martha learned the ins& outs, the ups & downs, and the spits or swallows of government while she served under me as a White House Intern!!!

Best of dub
Yes, you sir, I heard you the first time. We'd all rather watch two pigs fark than listen to this old hag, but we'll just have to wait.

Best of GregMan
"Now that the Curse Of The Bambino has finally been lifted when the Red Sox won the World Series, we have another curse we'd like to inflict on the people of Massachusetts for the next few decades."

Best of Vinney
"Question in the back from the girl with the big breasts and a mouth that won't quit."

Best of Silhouette
"Do I hear $50? $45?"

Best of mega
"Look pal, getting stuck with a late-middle-age hag with boundless ambition, limited capability, shrill mannerisms, and a sense of entitlement for office - it'll work fine for the people of MA just like it works for me."

Best of dadoctah
"Aiieee! Gojira!!!"

Best of Army of Dad
Mrs. Burns only had one comment at the press conference..."excellent"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Who the hell do you think you are? You're just a voter. You'll damned well take this Democrat candidate and like it, you hear me, mister?"

Best of Steve O
Clinton challenges the entire state of Massechusettes to pull his finger.

Nuthin' to see here



1. "Gentlemen, let's back off and give Alec Baldwin and Rosie O'Donnell some privacy here."

2. This date in history, 1853: The village of Enumclaw holds its first "mixer."

3. Scandal tore apart the Green Acres set after Eva Gabor caught Arnold Ziffle en flagrante with Zsa Zsa.

4. Even the Civil War had its own Code Pink movement.

5. Gettysburg After Dark; a new Smithsonian Exhibit brought to you by a grant from the Hormel Corporation.

Best of Adriane
That little pig went to market. This little pig went to town.

Best of mpur
The most perfect metaphor for American politics I've ever seen.

Best of Rodney Dill
Makin' bacon

Best of GregMan
"Man, I wish I could do that."
"I don't know, Hans, that sow looks pretty mean."

Best of dadoctah
"Am I in the right place for the Pink Floyd concert?"

Best of Matt the K
Following this scene from "Watership Down II" the slutty sow gets executed for being a Nazi collaborator.

Best of vinney
Ron Jeremy produces Animal Farm.

Best of blue
Now that the condemned has been granted his last wish, form the firing squad!!!

Best of Submariner
Charlotte's Web takes on a different slant in Samuel L Bronkowitz's remake.

Best of molson
Back of the line Fritz. No cuts!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Unhappiness


1. Someone was very cross that all of his Thursday submissions were rejected.

2. Someone was even more cross that his entry was accepted at hot chicks with douchebags.

3. The DNC ships in millions of loose sluts to "sway" undecided Massachusettes (sic) voters.

4. "Damn, Chad, thought you'd like my birthday present. What are ya, some kind of faggot?"

5. "Three chicks and a blindfolded llama and you're still not happy? I don't get you, Hector."

Best of GregMan
Dub in the Land Of The Fat Chicks.

Best of GregMan
Another Obama voter learns the awful truth that he voted for a Communist idiot.

Best of Vinney
A young and thin Luciano Pavoratti just couldn't get into the fun at the karioke club, instead he ate.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ted, you're kidding, right? You want RESPECT from alcoholics when you wear a Chinese knock-off Poolo(sic) shirt?

Best of dub
Carl was just mad when he found out he didnt have the biggest pecker in the bar.

Best of Submariner
After the break, Sam the Eagle falls on hard times after Henson catches a cold on E! True Story...

Best of Jack Reacher
Jack was pissed that someone kept changing the bar's TV from ESPN to an old rerun of "Where Eagles Dare."

Best of Steve O
Kurt finds out that only fat chicks like his beard.

Shot to the Head

Brender

1. "Sorry, Mikey. But this is gonna get me 64 Experience in Mafia Wars."

2. Young Andrew's excitement at being 'whacked' behind the school turns to disappointment.

3. Barney Frank's Google search for "Young boys whacking" produced a surprisingly satisfactory result.

4. "Trust me, Ahmed. This is the only real way to deal with head lice. Now, hold still."

5. "OK... OK... I'll say it ... 'Barack Hussein Obama... Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!'"

Best of Vinney
Instead of the annual Dental Hygiene play, Mrs. Evan's first grade class decides the a Sopranos episode would draw higher ratings.

Best of Submariner
Angelina's kids play with Madonna's kid.

Best of eat me
Now will yo show us the birth certificate?

Best of sonicfrog
Hey, this is just a normal day at Los Angeles Elementary.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Who says a mind is a terrible thing to "waste"?

Best of molson
The SEIU initiates another junior member.

Best of Epaminondas
The IRGC junior league welcomes young Hiram Goldstein

Best of Kaptain Krude
I told you to go get us some coffee, boy!

Best of Jack Reacher
"We're playing Goodfellas, Petey. Guess who gets to be Joe Pesci!"

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Leaves of Ass



Best of jbinnout
President Clinton dreamed of opening a Bass Pro Wing in his library.

Best of Submariner
Qe had joy, we had fun, we had monkey-sex in the pond...

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
She waded too deep and now ALL the fish smell that way...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Skin fungus is nothing to joke about. CDC reports increasingly serious outbreaks. When left untreated, this rampant new species actually consumes the host body! Stage 2 and Stage 3 . The end comes quickly.

Best of dadoctah
Turning to her family's tried-and-true outdoor activities, it didn't take long for Bristol to shed the excess baby weight.

Everlasting Gobstoppers

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Twin Batman Villains


1. Eliot Spitzer was disappointed. He had been expecting the other Olsen twins. Oh, well, as long he didn't have to take his socks off.

2. Custodial workers arrive for their shift at the Clinton Presidential Library.

3. Trouble at the Cougar Convention when Army of Mom and Divine Miss M arrive in the same outfit.

4. "Computer, Delete Program Riker 815-Beta, and reinstate Dixon Hill Program."

5. "Hef says, stop fooling around and fight to the death... or there'll be no meth for anybody tonight."

Best of dadoctah
Hey, bring back the Queen! Lady Gaga's got another surprise for her!

Best of GregMan
They'd be hot if it wasn't for all those melanomas.

Best of GregMan
Martha Coakly's new bodyguards aren't going to take any crap from any more reporters.

Best of Shawn
Dwight came home from the anime convention with a bad case of Thunderclap.

Best of Vinney
Tiger Woods unveils his new caddies- The Tigettes- to the astonishment of the PGA's management and redefines a threesome.

Best of molson
Two chicks that know how to handle a shaft.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Moments later, both models were banned for life from the convention when it was discovered what they had done to the curtains.

Best of mega
The 80's called, and they want...well, they were actually kind of general this time. They want the two girls, their hair, their outfits, and the entire store.

Best of Submariner
Sully was ticked off at the Altavista response to query for pics of twins with long, stiff poles.

Best of Matt the K
Meet the ThunderTwatts.

Best of metalgarth
what are "things that Comic Book Guy would pay $1000.00 an hour for", Alex

Best of racerboy
"So that's what happened to my good lipstick and all the hairspray..."

Totem pole


1. Twilight III will feature, "Corky, the Special Vampire."

2. Next on a very special Life Goes On, Corky's first three-way.

3. Toby was never the same after Janel and Lurlene literally f--ked his brains out.

4. Toby's goofy grin disappeared moments after discovering the 'tranny surprise.'

5. "Look, Egon! A free-floating, full-torso, vaporous apparition!"


Best of dub
I call the inaugural meeting of the I Cant Get Laid Either Club to order.

Best of Shawn
Through the early bloom and magical days of Kathy's first lesbian relationship, the parasitic twin growing from Darlene's shoulder seemed quaint and charming.

Best of Shawn
Rare screen test footage for the Facts Of Life remake starring a young Megan Fox as Jo, Sally Struthers as Natalie, and Crispin Glover tripping balls as Tootie..

Best of Mr. Hankey
"Quick kids - smile for the camera! This is Kyle's first happy ending!!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Outtake #132 - AIEEEEEEE!!! OK, that's an F-Sharp. Doris will now squeeze his left testicle and he'll squeal in the key of G.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Da Mask


1. "Hello, Clarisse."

2. "Congressman Frank, a concerned parent would like to speak with you about the House Page uniforms you made mandatory in the banking bill."

3. Abercombrie and Fitch launches a line of athletic wear targeted for effete non-athletes.

4. You must be This Ghey to own Twilight on Blu-Ray.

5. With his light skin and no trace of a negro dialect, Billy thought his electoral chances were pretty good.

Wicked Best of dadoctah
While the yearbook committee reluctantly approved Ryan's photo, they had to draw the line at his submitted list of "after-school activities".

Best of GregMan
As some of the pre-production photos of Spiderman's new costume were leaked to the public, it became clear why Tobey McGuire walked out on the Spiderman 4 movie.

Best of sonicfrog
The young Michael Jackson clone, aware of the fate of his predecessor, wears an anti-plastic surgeon device to keep his face safe.

Best of Steve O
Even Batman isn't too sure of Robin's new costume idea.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Vanity Fair Newsbeat: Hot on the hooves of his broadway flop as the naked horse whisperer, Daniel Radcliffe will star in an x-rated remake of The Mighty Ducks.

Best of Double the U
San Fransisco's WalMart greeter.

Best of divine miss m
The Phantom of Folsom Street.

Best of Adriane
"Wearing Protection" took on a whole new meaning as more and more cougars hit the dating scene.

Best of Vinney
Kevin Jennings tries his damnest to work this into a homo-friendly cirriculum.

Best of Kaptain Krude
I don't think I'm going to like the new version of "Tron" directed by Ang Lee.

Best of Rodney Dill
I find your lack of face, disturbing.

Get a Basilica!


1. Tag Body Spray commercials may have crossed a line.

2. "Want some gum?"

3. "I've had younger," Barney Frank sniffed.

4. "You had me at 'b-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-h.'"

5. Old Navy's "Mad About Plaid" Campaign may have crossed a line.


Best of Tim
Obviously a Fabric softener WIN!!!

Best of Rodney Dill
"Billy, ever watch gladiator movies?"

Best of molson
And that's how Billy achieved a state of grace. The End.

Best of dub
Normal pedophiles cant compete with that. The guy has his own city. The best a regular pedophile can do is have a van and some kittens.

Best of metalgarth
Shortly thereafter, the Zombie Martin Luther rose from the grave and nailed thesis #96 to the door of the vatican

Best of Jay Guevara
Barney Frank in plaid shirt on the right: "By the power inexplicably vested in me by the people of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I hereby pronounce you Democrat and wife."

Best of Matt the K with an assist from Metalgarth
Catholic High School Lambs in Trouble - a Samuel L. Bronkowitz production.

Best of Double the U
No tongue Billy, it's the Pope.

Best of Shawn
Begrudgingly, studio suits convinced Quentin to cut the Lesbian Vampire Sheep attack scene from his imaginative remake of the Vatican II conference: Inglorious Pederfylz.

Best of Steve O
Sheep tongue: It's not what you'd expect.


Best of Submariner
ORA: "Somebody's been PRACticing!"

Monday, January 11, 2010

Obama Pushes In Hillary's Stool

12xU


1. "Oh, yeah, spank me with your light-skinned hands! Call me dirty names without a trace of negro dialect!"

2. "This... um... fembot's... um... motherboard is ... um... busted, or somethin'."

3. Gallant offers a chair while Goofus performs the queef version of Jim Carrey's talking butt gag.

4. "'Ah don't feel no ways tahred?' What kind of negro dialect is that?"

5. "Thanks, boy. Now shine my shoes!"

Best of blue
Watch me pull the chair out & see her fall on her honkey white ass - sure gonna be funny

Best of HLam
The audience is shocked, shocked I tell you, when Obama breaks into singing Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls".

Best of Jay Guevara
Obama thought bubble: "Here comes the bus...one quick shove in ...3...2...1..."

Best of dub
The viewers didnt know what was more alarming...that the negro was assisting the old white woman, or the sillouette of Hillary's right nipple.

Best of blue
Barry dear, unlike Sheryl Crow, I need more than one square.....

Best of metalgarth
From that moment on, Carl swore *never* to go out with any of Homer's inlaws, ever again.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"That's good, boy. Now go fetch me some coffee, double quick now, you hear?"
"Yes'm, Miss Daisy."
"Did you hear that? It sounded like a head exploding?"
"Yes'm, I reckon that was Mistress Dawn's head."

Best of Passionate Conservative
"...that's right, I'm the Secretary of 'shut the f*ck up! Don' like it? Talk to Bill!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Well, isn't this an awkward moment? Obamalama has to wait while the b*tch desperately tries to pull a peace treaty out of her ass... and it seems her own failed healthcare plan is still stuck up there.

Best of mega
"Here, let me seat you at this prestigious table for the State Dinner. You'll be sitting with the ambassador from Tonga, the girls from Salt n Pepa, the Sham Wow guy, an Eric Cartman impersonator, Mark McGuire, Toni Tennille's personal assistant, and three empty chairs in case anyone shows up uninvited."

Oh, The Ironing!

Brender

1. Obvious caption first... "Brains!"

2. Harry Reid was crippled today by a severe case of "ironic juxtaposition."

3. Mistaking the sign for a Teleprompter, Obama admits Harry and I want the American people to know we intend to screw them over for the benefit of our union bosses and play them for suckers."

4. "Welcome to our conference on 'Open and Honest Government.' We have some changes to the agenda. The 'Lying About Stimulus Jobs' seminar is moved to Room 216. And the 'Secret Health Care Negotiations' will be in Room 110. And cocktails will begin at 4:30 by the Ted Kennedy Memorial Pool."

5. Harry: "You must be that light-skinned negro with no discernible negro accent I've heard so much about."

Best of Whacko
"Barak, how about coming to Nevada to help me campaign for reelection? And could you use that negro accent from time to time?"

Best of Matt the K
"Hey...'Man'. Come with me, there's some white people I'd like you to meet. Cause you're Okay with me...'brother'?"

Best of GregMan
"Now go get me a drink, boy, and you better not let me catch you looking at my white wife!"

Best of Capt. Queeg
"I beg of you, Monsieur, watch yourself. Be on guard. This place is full of vultures, vultures everywhere."

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty Mormon! "

Best of blue
Barry, I'm old & going to lose my senate seat unless a strong Mandingo warrior such as yourself helps me campaign....

Best of Jay Guevara
ORA: "C'mon, you know. Sing us a real n*gger work song."

Best of dadoctah
"It's a dark blue Lincoln Towncar, and you be real careful parking it, y'hear?"

Best of Jay Guevara
Harry Reid: "C'mon, Barry, lighten up! Get it? Lighten up! Hahahaha! I kill me!"

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Tail of Two Cities

Divine Miss M asks, "Which pep rally would you rather attend... Cardinals..."


"...or Packers?"

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Crazy Corn Head

Schneider

Bestest of Double the U
Yup Jimmy, you just stick your head right there in the corn hole. He never lived it down for the rest of the fifth grade.

Bestest of Passionate Conservative
The mascot for the football team used to be the Cherokees, but then Obama-Era political correctness took over, and they become the "Jackson Middle School Cornholers."

Bestest of Vinney
Young Jimmy made a fortune renting his hat to the girls in the dorm.

Bestest of Submariner
Timmah and his buddies REALLY enjoyed wishing people into the corn.

Bestest of Carpe Phlogiston
Under the Obamalama Health Care Plan, expect overworked doctors to rely heavily on holistic medicine-
"Just paint the tumor yellow and take him to a lot of sports events. NEXT!"

Bestest of Matt the K
I am CornHattio, I need T.P. for my bunghole!

Friday, January 08, 2010

A Coon and Some Number of Bitches


1. Kid on the far right's thought bubble: "Don't you take my dog's affections away you chalk-faced whore!"

2. Two days after the raccoon face-hugger attacked Marjorine, it's offspring burst from her stomach and ruined yet another family photo.

3. Can you spot the predators in this picture?

4. Next on Ghost Hunters, is the ghost of Roy Kohn haunting old family portraits?

5. "Nice job, Rex. You totally slaughtered that squirrel!"

Some Likeness

Bestliest of Rodney Dill
Jaba the Grut

Bestliest of Viney
Another successful Al Qaeda art therapy program graduate captures a young infidel in a post impressionist Dada motif.

Bestliest of Jack Reacher
"Don't forget to get the Old Navy store behind me in the picture."

Bestliest of molson
If you drew what I think you drew Mister, this toy sword is going straight up your culo.

Bestliest of divine miss m
"Hurry up with the portrait; I gotta go home and help Mama deep-fry the toothpaste."

Bestliest of Matt the K
Abby the Hutt was like a chip off the ol' blob.

Bestliest of Uchuck the Tuchuck
A young Rosie O'Donnell gives her best, winning smile to the street artist.

Bestliest of steve o
"Yeah, I heard some witch turned a street-painter into a human fireball, but nobody knows why."

Bestliest of dadoctah
"Really? *The* Sonny and Cher are your parents?" A young George Lucas's first brush with fame.