1. The installation was supposed to keep the homeless from crapping in the street, but it instead only attracted avant garde white yuppies.
2. "Hey, are you gonna read that sports page?"
3. DATELINE: Boise, Idaho. A public monument to Senator Larry Craig was unveiled this week.
4. After the TSA heard that Al Qaeda was planning to drop cherry bombs in a school toilet, private restrooms were abolished for "security" reasons.
5. "Wow, that government-issue soylent green just goes right through you."