Jalopnik via Racer Boy
1. "Aside from that, how was your date with Chris Brown?"
2. When you play basketball with Putin, *you're* the one who gets his face wrecked.
3. "All I remember is asking the Secretary of State if her pantsuit was available in sizes for attractive women, then everything went black."
4. "I just walked into a door. That's all. Silly me. Clumsy me. No need to bring Putin into this. I just walked into a door. Don't worry about it. Just bring me some Preparation H, and a shot of Vodka."
5. "Putin warned me that the Colt Python has a kick like an angry mule, but I didn't listen."
Best of Jack Reacher
"What's it like to get between Michael Moore and a buffet? Let me show you."
Best of dadoctah
And so Senator Palpatine went looking for his next padawan.
Best of sonicfrog
Hey... It could have been worse... I could have been dove hunting with Cheney.
Best of Carpe Phlogiston
After his (49 years younger) girlfriend saw how easy it was to get jewelry off him, she privately admitted being quite irked... because she hadn't thought of just mugging him instead of sleeping with the creepy old geezer.
Best of jj
Never get caught between Schumer and a camera and microphone.
Best of dub
See, I told you...a glory hole is NOT the same as a peep hole.
Best of DaveP.
Man, that Zev Bellringer has a mean left cross.
Best of Double the U
ORA (REALLY obscure)
Us Tareyton smokers would rather fight than switch!
Best of Oiao
"Not to worry. I've taken harder beatings from Barney Frank's Man-Mate."
Best of Adriane
Jeepers! I didn't think that 'Hillary Gives State Dept a Black Eye' headline was supposed to be taken literally ...
Best of Matt the K
It was a tough break for Andy Warhol when he peeped through the glory hole at the precise moment Long Dong Silver saddled up.
If I had been any closer when Dawn's head exploded, I'd be a goner now.
Best of Submariner
So I says to her; "Why the long face, Sarah Jessica Parker?" And the damn mule kicked me...