1. "Would you excuse me, Phil. I have to get this chalice of virgin blood to Pelosi so we can start the ceremony."
2. "No, I hate America more!"
3. "Really, Phil? This plan to saturate the USA with white guilt and affirmative action until a completely incompetent black Marxist could be elected president and destroy the country originated with you and Bill Ayers doing bong hits at an Allman Brothers concert in 1973? That's amazing!"
4. "Oh, Phil, you silly goose. You didn't have to use a date-rape drug in my pinot noir."
5. "You're my eHarmony Match? Uncanny!"
Best of Rodney Dill
"Well up until recently I only thought of Frankenweenie as just another Tim Burton movie."
Best of prince of leaves
Everyone at the event at Mme. Tussaud's DC museum was impressed with the almost lifelike quality of the likenesses of Phil and Al...until they were informed that the museum had no likenesses of Phil and Al on display.
Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ah, my next book. It's titled Frankensense & Mirth - a spoof about christian hog farmers campaigning to give kosher jews the right to gnosh on bacon during yom kippur as long as they keep their fingers crossed.
Best of GregMan
"What a coincidence! I pray to Great Cthulhu too!"
Best of Vinney
"Phil, this isn't the alcohol talking, but with Danny Thomas as her father,did Marlo have a nose job?...And, was it done at St. Jude's?...I'm very serious, Phil. I'm a US senator, I need to know."
"I'm at my wit's end, Al. How do I keep the ghost of Ted Bessell from hanging around my place?"
Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Well, you know Phil, after Belushi would pass out from drugs, me & Tom Davis would sexually molest him...we tried writing a sketch about it, but the censors would not let us....
Best of Jack Reacher
"Well, Al, you failed in broadcasting because you had something I never had to deal with; consumer choice. It's a bitch."
Best of molson
A few more glasses of this sh!t and you can top my bottom any day you magnificent vermillion prick.
Best of Dr. Doom
"I don't know Phil", queried Senator Franken, "do you think it is better to be a failed politician who became a bad entertainer or a bad entertainer who became a failed politician?"
Best of Son Of The Godfather
What a life you must have led, Senator, when your greatest achievement to date is starring as "baggage handler #1" in 'Trading Places'.
Best of Mr Hankey
...and I can tell you Al that Lebanese women are bitches..."