Monday, August 23, 2010

Horrible Left-Wing Douchebags from Hell

Al

1. "Would you excuse me, Phil. I have to get this chalice of virgin blood to Pelosi so we can start the ceremony."

2. "No, I hate America more!"

3. "Really, Phil? This plan to saturate the USA with white guilt and affirmative action until a completely incompetent black Marxist could be elected president and destroy the country originated with you and Bill Ayers doing bong hits at an Allman Brothers concert in 1973? That's amazing!"

4. "Oh, Phil, you silly goose. You didn't have to use a date-rape drug in my pinot noir."

5. "You're my eHarmony Match? Uncanny!"


Best of Rodney Dill
"Well up until recently I only thought of Frankenweenie as just another Tim Burton movie."

Best of prince of leaves
Everyone at the event at Mme. Tussaud's DC museum was impressed with the almost lifelike quality of the likenesses of Phil and Al...until they were informed that the museum had no likenesses of Phil and Al on display.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ah, my next book. It's titled Frankensense & Mirth - a spoof about christian hog farmers campaigning to give kosher jews the right to gnosh on bacon during yom kippur as long as they keep their fingers crossed.

Best of GregMan
"What a coincidence! I pray to Great Cthulhu too!"

Best of Vinney
"Phil, this isn't the alcohol talking, but with Danny Thomas as her father,did Marlo have a nose job?...And, was it done at St. Jude's?...I'm very serious, Phil. I'm a US senator, I need to know."

Threadwinner dadoctah
"I'm at my wit's end, Al. How do I keep the ghost of Ted Bessell from hanging around my place?"

Best of Chronos the Wonder Pig
Well, you know Phil, after Belushi would pass out from drugs, me & Tom Davis would sexually molest him...we tried writing a sketch about it, but the censors would not let us....

Best of Jack Reacher
"Well, Al, you failed in broadcasting because you had something I never had to deal with; consumer choice. It's a bitch."

Best of molson
A few more glasses of this sh!t and you can top my bottom any day you magnificent vermillion prick.

Best of Dr. Doom
"I don't know Phil", queried Senator Franken, "do you think it is better to be a failed politician who became a bad entertainer or a bad entertainer who became a failed politician?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
What a life you must have led, Senator, when your greatest achievement to date is starring as "baggage handler #1" in 'Trading Places'.

Best of Mr Hankey
...and I can tell you Al that Lebanese women are bitches..."

31 comments:

Rodney Dill said...

Phil: "No, you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, and doggone it, people really don't like you!"

Rodney Dill said...

"So you haven't had a real deep thought since Jack Handey?"

Rodney Dill said...

"Well up until recently I only thought of Frankenweenie as just another Tim Burton movie."

prince of leaves said...

Everyone at the event at Mme. Tussaud's DC museum was impressed with the almost lifelike quality of the likenesses of Phil and Al...until they were informed that the museum had no likenesses of Phil and Al on display.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Ah, my next book. It's titled Frankensense & Mirth - a spoof about christian hog farmers campaigning to give kosher jews the right to gnosh on bacon during yom kippur as long as they keep their fingers crossed.

-OR-

Sure, I miss the old SNL. It went right down the toilet when the politically correct writers decided to inject pro-interracial crap into every scene... but you didn't hear that from me!

WordVerify: doolio - what you call a moronic gangstah rapper who steps in dog sh*t.

Anonymous said...

"Hey Phil, you need to be back on TV. When you had the lesbian transvestites on your show, you were at the top of your game."

Vinney

GregMan said...

"What a coincidence! I pray to Great Cthulhu too!"

GregMan said...

"No, I'm the bigger douchebag!"

GregMan said...

"Yes, Phil, I have seen the forecasts for the 2010 midterms. Wanna join a suicide pact with me?"

GregMan said...

"I tell you, Phil, gettings all those convicted felons to vote for me was a goddess-send. Without those fraudulent votes I wouldn't have had a chance in the recount."

Anonymous said...

"Phil, this isn't the alcohol talking, but with Danny Thomas as her father,did Marlo have a nose job?...And, was it done at St. Jude's?...I'm very serious, Phil. I'm a US senator, I need to know."

Vinney

Jay Guevara said...

"That's it, relax, Phil. No way loyal Americans can find a grenade on such short notice."

Carpe Phlogiston said...

I was cutting edge when it came to popularizing lowest common denominators, like introducing my viewers to hip hop. Nothing reduced the IQ of white kids quite as fast as making illiteracy, drugs, gangs and adolescent interracial sex seem "cool."

dadoctah said...

"I'm at my wit's end, Al. How do I keep the ghost of Ted Bessell from hanging around my place?"

Chronos the Wonder Pig said...

well, you know Phil, after Belushi would pass out from drugs, me & Tom Davis would sexually molest him...we tried writing a sketch about it, but the censors would not let us....

Jack Reacher said...

"Well, Al, you failed in broadcasting because you had something I never had to deal with; consumer choice. It's a bitch."

Jack Reacher said...

"Thank you, please send the hors d'oeuvres next."
"Actually, I'm a Senator."
"Really? You play basketball?"

Jack Reacher said...

"...so I figured, if I'm famous for drawing a map out of nothing, why couldn't I create votes out of nothing?"

dadoctah said...

"Michael O'Donoghue, as I live and breathe! You're looking *good*, man! Whatcha been up to?"

molson said...

A few more glasses of this sh!t and you can top my bottom any day you magnificent vermillion prick.

Dr. Doom said...

And now ladies and gentlemen we have an historic event in the annuls of the Whitehouse Correspondent's Association... in the Lifetime of Underachievement Category we have a tie...

Dr. Doom said...

"I don't know Phil", queried Senator Franken, "do you think it is better to be a failed politician who became a bad entertainer or a bad entertainer who became a failed politician?"

Dr. Doom said...

"Yes Phil", replied Senator Franken, "I am still writing my own material, why do you ask?"

Dr. Doom said...

"Hey Al are we still on for splitting that hooker after the Opera tonight?", asked Mr Donahue, "I hope you brought your checkbook, I left mine at home."

Son Of The Godfather said...

What a life you must have led, Senator, when your greatest achievement to date is starring as "baggage handler #1" in 'Trading Places'.

and Rodney Dill takes my first idea with his #1... thief! :)

Mr Hankey said...

"No, I'm married That Girl
"This Girl?"
"No - That Girl."
"The Blonde?" No!"
"The brunette?" No!"
"The old hag?" "No that's Pelosi"

Mr Hankey said...

...and I can tell you Al that Lebanese women are bitches..."

Submariner said...

Considering the mood of the citizenry, I've already started searching for "lost votes" for next election...

Submariner said...

Simultaneously: "So YOU'RE my 'surprise prom date?' Okie-dokie."

Double the U said...

ORA: Al, you are not going to cry again are you?

blue said...

don't worry Phil - Obama just reported that's he is having a great time on vacation - all is well in the universe