1. "Hello, Barney Frank here. What? Nancy, I told you never to call me when I was on Fire Island. What's that? Return to Washington to vote on a bloated spending bill that screws the taxpayers and bails out our union cronies? I'm there!"
2. "McMahon for senate campaign. How may I direct your call?"
3. "Obama Economic Advisory Council. How may I direct your call?"
4. "Stephen King? Hi, this is Pennywise. I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and ended up on Folsom Street. These people scare me! Get me the Hell out of here!"
5. "I have to hang up. An expended 109 MM shell just penetrated my cranium."
Best of Unscrupulous
"Yes, this is Dorothy. Yes, I would love to have aluminum siding installed. On my house? Ohhhhhh. never mind."
Best of metalgarth
"if you know the name of the party that stole your tarts... press 1. If you'd like to select from a list press 2"
Best of blue
Yes, my Hawaiian birth certificate says that Ronald McDonald put his Whopper into Wendy's Hot & Juicy - which resulted in me - the Burger Queen!!!!
Best of Matt the K
"Hello, Acme Guillotine Company...yes, we need to order a few more-- hang on a sec...'OFF with her head!!!'...sorry, I'm back now. "
Best of Spin
Yes, I rolled in flour but no one is looking for my wet spot.
Best of curly
"Curly! How is it in Tikrit, Iraq? What? Hotter than hell and you ain't gettin' any?"
Best of Jack Reacher
I see the MSNBC job fair is in full swing.
Best of JohnS1959
Tony Hayward gets his life back and finds his true calling in life all on the same day...
Best of GregMan
"U.S. Department of Justice, Civil Rights division. how may I direct your call."
Best of Wesley M.
Shelley Finkelbauer -- Stimlus Job "Saved or Created" Number 1, 247,592 -- gets word that her NEA grant has just been approved.
Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Jane's having second thoughts about Obamalama's full employment jobs bill. TSA's new Scary Clowns division hadn't spooked a single superstitious jihadist from a boarding line in 2 months.
Best of Passionate Conservative
The new JetBlue flight attendant uniform made passengers even more agitated than usual.