Friday, March 05, 2010

For My Bunghole



1. Preparing for a visit from Michael Moore requires extensive pre-planning.

2. How big is the load of crap known as the ObamaCare bill... here's a graphic representation... of the first ten pages.

3. In an undated file photo, Barbara Bush examines the country's strategic TP reserve.

4. Survivalism tips from Glenn Beck: "Once your hoard of gold and freeze dried food is secured, begin stocking up on secondary items."

5. TPing John Edwards house takes an extraordinary degree of preparation.

Threadwinner Best of Mr. Hankey
Step 1: Collect all the Toilet Paper in the World.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit!!!

Best of GregMan
After the collapse of the American economy, Warren Buffet corners another vital market segment.

Best of blue
Roger Ebert needs assistance with more than talking....

Best of duke of red
Ralph Stanley had reached that unfortunate point in life; finally been around long enough to be a legend, but so old you can't trust a fart.

Best of Army of Dad
"This is how I roll."

Best of Silhouette
She told them to stay off her lawn and She Meant It, Dammit. As investigators continue to unearth bodies, some decades old, Mrs. Watterson said only, "I helped defeat the Hun. They think I couldn't handle some punks armed with Charmin?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Gertrude Fluger's grandson says, "To my knowledge, she only watched one episode of Seinfeld. Then, the OCD kicked in and she lived out her life mumbling, I don't have a square to spare."

Best of jj
The government prepares to resume production of Hillary's tampons.

Best of jeff
Soon after this, Jack was forced to take Granny's Costco card away from her.

Best of dadoctah
"Congratulations. You've successfully assembled the Interociter. Next the leaders of Metaluna will assign you a task that's less complex, but no less all-involving."

Best of Spin
In the year 2525 Sheryl Crow's ancestors were still well stocked.

Best of divine miss m
It's clear where she expects to be when her laxative kicks in.

Best of mega
The Golden Girls reunion movie had a certain post-dementia, almost insane vibe.

Best of dadoctah
After Ed Wood Jr died, Criswell was forced to earn a living by appearing at warehouse-club openings.

47 comments:

Double the U said...

The albino Umba Lumpas worked at the toilet paper factory.

Anonymous said...

"He who controls the toilet paper, controls the world. No shit."

Vinney

Matt the K said...

Now is the time on Shprockets ven vee krapp.

GregMan said...

With all the use it's seen, cleaning Andrew Sullivan's butt after a good dump requires a lot of resources.

GregMan said...

After the collapse of the American economy, Warren Buffet corners another vital market segment.

GregMan said...

After the Great Obamessiah Inflation toilet paper was used as currency while U.S. paper money was used for, um, other purposes.

blue said...

Roger Ebert needs assistance with more than talking....

duke of red said...

Ralph Stanley had reached that unfortunate point in life; finally be around long enough to be legend, but so old you can't trust a fart.

duke of red said...

*been

Mr. Hankey said...

Step 1: Collect all the Toilet Paper in the World.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit!!!

Army of Dad said...

"This is how I roll."

Army of Dad said...

Heheheheheheee wipe oooout!

I guess she is a big Beach Boys fan.

Army of Dad said...

She really does know her shit from shinola.

Army of Dad said...

Irony defined: Moments after this self portrait she was crushed to death in a TP avalanche.

Adriane said...

My mom saved my first tooth. My dad saved some little doohickey I made in shop class. But Grandma, well, let's just say she saved some other personal mementos of her first grandchild. . .

Silhouette said...

She told them to stay off her lawn and She Meant It, Dammit. As investigators continue to unearth bodies, some decades old, Mrs. Watterson said only, "I helped defeat the Hun. They think I couldn't handle some punks armed with Charmin?"

Carpe Phlogiston said...

What Frank Barone said when he walked into the Pearly Gates restroom: HOLY CRAP!
In Memoriam, Peter Boyle, 1935-2006

WordVerify: litulate - What I'd have been if someone posted that first.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Doris Wankoffer, Obamalama's pick for new head of FEMA's Disaster Preparedness Division, stumbles over the reporters' second question:
FOOD? uhhhhhmmmm...."

Jack Reacher said...

I see Granny prepared for her new high-fiber cereal regimen.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Gertrude Fluger's grandson says, "To my knowledge, she only watched one episode of Seinfeld. Then, the OCD kicked in and she lived out her life mumbling, I don't have a square to spare."

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Waterproofing - U R doing it WRONG
House Inspection expert Mathilda Quarg in front of a homeseller's attempt to disguise a wet basement problem.
Was her first clue the leaking crack in the back wall?

jj said...

The government prepares to resume production of Hillary's tampons.

jeff said...

Soon after this, Jack was forced to take Granny's Costco card away from her.

dadoctah said...

"Congratulations. You've successfully assembled the Interociter. Next the leaders of Metaluna will assign you a task that's less complex, but no less all-involving."

I know it's weak, but Double the U already jumped on the Oompa Loompa reference.

Capt. Queeg said...

Mr. Whipple's Stash

Dactyl said...

Edgar Allen Poe's first draft: Cask of Amon-teepee-llado.

Army of Dad said...

"I have stolen all the world's toilet paper. You can have it back for the princely sum of one meeelion dollars!"

Submariner said...

When ya gotta go...

CSM journalist said...

Mr. Whipple would always tell his customers to not squeeze the Charmin but former neighbors now say that he also kept a private stash of squeezably soft toilet paper in his garage. Mr. Whipple appears to have been a right-wing extremist with virulent antigovernment feelings...

Spin said...

In the year 2525 Sheryl Crow's ancestors were still well stocked.

Oiao said...

Ompa, Lumpa, whipe-u-do-do,
I've got another square for you!

Oiao said...

If you outlaw toiletpaper, only outlaw grannys will have toilet paper!

curly said...

ProShares’ new “Toilet Paper Futures” ETF targeted investors considered ‘assholes or the anal fixated’.

metalgarth said...

and I really don't want to know if eHarmony has found her perfect match or not.

divine miss m said...

It's clear where she expects to be when her laxative kicks in.

Submariner said...

I think I'm ready to watch the next White House press conference now...

mega said...

The first trip home after joining Costco can be a bit disorienting.

mega said...

The Golden Girls reunion movie had a certain post-dementia, almost insane vibe.

mega said...

Lady, if you clean the dead cats out of the cupboards, you might find enough room to store most of that TP.

curly said...

In my remake of the movie “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, the mountain would be made of toilet paper and the weird alien would be Sheryl Crow.

dadoctah said...

'tis better to have TP and not need it, than to need TP and not have it.

curly said...

In the Enviro-Marxists’ “House of Horrors”, the shocking toilet paper display was sandwiched right between the ghastly incandescent light bulbs display and the horrific plasma-TV-in-an-old-SUV display.

molson said...

Just a little TP for the VP.

Rodney Dill said...

What? Wipeout's a song?

Rodney Dill said...

Just and old spindlester

dadoctah said...

After Ed Wood Jr died, Criswell was forced to earn a living by appearing at warehouse-club openings.

dadoctah said...

Ms Ono gave this installation the title "Wipe Piece".