Monday, November 30, 2009

OMG, No Way!



1. Unfortunately, he had no choice. The Teleprompter said, "Raise your glass with the napkin still attached like some frickin' retard."

2. "What the hell is wrong with this idiot?" Prime Minister Singh wondered silently.

3. It's actually worse than it looks, the adhesive holding the napkin to the glass is one of Dear Leader's boogers.

4. And as soon as he returned from the bathroom, the president raised a toast.

5. "And I'd like to raise a toast to the draperies section at KMart, in honor of M'Chel's dress."

Best of jeff
L'chaim!

Best of Passionate Conservative
I'll have to raise my glass in a, uh, um, toast....hey, just what the f*ck is that thing on your head? I've always wanted to know...

Best of Vinney
"I'm a Dominic the Great. No applause please. Save it for the end."

Best of Unscrupulous
In honor of my new Vegan friends, I am announcing, effective immediately, the shipment of 10,000 sides of beef to help feed the poor in the great and honorable country of Vega.

What? Too little?

Best of GregMan
Barry wins "Phone Rep Of The Year", presented by the Vice-President in charge of Dell Technical Support.

Best of GregMan
Suddenly it became all the rage in Hollywood, universities, and main stream media offices across the land to attach little pieces of toilet paper to the glasse when having a drink.

Best of Submariner
"...for the brothers that are no longer with us..."

Best of Jay Guevara
"I salute you, sir! Your 7-11 has the very best Slurpees in the world!"

Best of Matt the K
"See, look, my glass has a turban too, just li-- ah damn, came unwrapped."

Granny and Jethro

Brender
1. "There's nothing to be afraid of, grandma. It's just a bus with a suspiciously high clearance."

2. ORA: The little Bushman couldn't figure out how the hell this idiot had been elected. The Gods Must Indeed Be Crazy.

3. "For the last time you friggin' moron, I am NOT Aretha Franklin."

4. "Never mind Matt Lauer, Grandma. He just loves to smell my shoulders."

5. "It's just lucky I always wear 'Oops I crapped my pants' brand adult diapers." "Shut up, Barry. Nobody cares."

Best of metalgarth
Will you make me a waffle that I can eat in peace, Aunt J.?

Best of eat me
Boy, don't that wife of yours know how to iron shirts?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thanks to the tireless efforts of the revamped FEMA, Flip Wilson was discovered alive and well and living in a Louisiana mangrove swamp under the nom de plume, Auntie Geraldine.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Nah, don't worry about it, it's perfect. Just the thing to wear the conferment of a posthumous Medal of Honor. I'd have worn my aloha shirt, but it's in the laundry."

Best of jeff
"You never call, you never write, you never deposit millions into my bank account...."
"Shut up, Grandma."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"And as I stop here dramatic pause to celebrate this woman's look directly into the cameras rich tapestry of life experiences, I am struck by continue walking the overwhelming watch for dog shit on ground efforts of our fellow citizens fake sympathetic smile."

Best of Matt the K
The Autobiography of Miss Jane Bushman

Best of mega
Even Sheila Jackson Lee couldn't muster a smile at the post-West Point unity photo op.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Retro Saturday

1. "I warn you, this obsession with Bob Crane can only end in tears."

2. "Come on, Courtney Love. Loosen up a little. Try some weed. What's the worst that could happen?"

3. "Love your new LPGA haircut Denise!"

4. "Harok-Ptui!"

5. "A human pituitary gland... for me?"

Best of dub
Look a deal is a deal... $1.75 for a handjob.

Best of dadoctah
"We welcome any contribution, no matter how small, to our research. Some day, god willing, we'll be able to thaw your late husband's frozen head and cure whatever it was that killed him."

Best of blue
And if I put these aspirin in her coke she will lose her inhibitions.....

Best of mega
Now, Ann, you should marry a white man such as this, not that Kenyan. Otherwise, your children will face a lifetime of prejudice, hardship, and berzerk crowds of hippies chanting "Yes we can!".

Best of Jay Guevara
The inventor of roofies conducts his first clinical trial.

Best of Mr. Hankey
A young Nancy Pelosi learns that she doesn't have to understand where the money comes from, only that she can take it away from Billy.

Friday, November 27, 2009

You don't have to remember the 70's, we're reliving them.


Divine Miss M


Best of Matt the K
So these things will make me ghey AND retarded?! Yaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!!

Best of dadoctah
"How come big sister is always using the Sky-sicle mold?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
According to Advertising Weekly, sky-scicle sales jumped 2744% when they began running that ad in Playgirl and on San Francisco trolleys.

Best of dub
Billy: The motor sicle tickles my tongue.
Bruce: Well you should see what the sky sicle does to my prostate.

Best of ????
It goes without saying that the kid in the advertisement could not live with the shame and killed himself in the '80s.

I CAN HAS NECK?


1. Billy couldn't show his face after admitting he liked Twilight.

2. One of Beeker's many bastard sons went on to be a state MVP running back.

3. "OK, let's review once again why we block with our shoulders."

4. Billy's fetish for the smell of his own body funk became all-consuming.

5. "That wedgy was completely unnecessary Mr. Favre!"

Best of dadoctah
Head not necessary for athletic scholarship.

Best of mega
For the third consecutive Christmas, Billy's friends chipped in to buy him a necktie, continuing the humiliating in-joke well past the point of good taste.

Best of mega
"The new, um, uniforms fit, um, perfectly, and we are ah, pleased to pay the SEIU $2,500 for making each and every one of them." Coach chose his words carefully as Rahm stood in the back of the room, arms folded.

Best of Jack Reacher
It was clear that Billy would have a successful career as a federal "watchdog."

Best of Rodney Dill
Ned absolutely hated when One-Ichabod-44-Left was called.

Best of Matt the K
Ram-man had words with Coach Skeletor after seeing his son benched yet again.

Best of Rodney Dill
New FullBack for the Maryland Terps

The Crack of Dawn


1. "Yes, Rick, I noticed your new thong. No, I'm still not interested."

2. "I'm not one of them fancy metrosexuals, but what I lack in imagination, I make up in sheer savage animal lust. More coffee?"

3. "It all began with the usual crude cat-calls. Next thing I know, I gots her naked in the back of my truck and we're swappin' underwear."

4. "I notice you are wearing a ladies thong. May I ask what you thought of the new Twilight movie?"

5. The Village People and Men At Work combine for a reunion tour.

Best of
"I'm wearing it to punish myself for voting for Obama."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
After Playtex captured a major share of the obese male demographic with their Cross Your Heart Manssiere, Hane's began targeting plumbers and construction workers with a line of No ButtCracks for Him thongs.

Best of dadoctah
This is stage one of Frank's transition. Next week he starts the hormone injections.

Best of blue
Adam Lambert looks in the mirror & sees his future

Best of eat me
Hey Ralph, I see you got one of those new fangled inflatable jock straps...how dey hanging?

Best of Adriane
Bob, I'm OK with you wearing a thong. I'm OK with you wearing a thong that really isn't your size or color. But where do you get off telling me that drinking Starbucks is for queers!?!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Kids and Their Beatdowns

Brender

1. "Just say it right and the beatings will stop! 'Barack Hussein Obama! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!'" Future Community Organizers of America haze a new recruit.

2. "Oh, sure. Now, you cry. But in kindergarten sex ed, you took a full-on donkey punch like a pro."

3. Barney Frank's Google search for "young boys beating off" produces a mildly satisfactory result.

4. "Yeah, right, like your brother the quarterback can even hear your screams for help."

5. "I like his fighting spirit," Angelina told the orphanage worker. "Put him on the call-back list."

Best of Passionate Conservative
Buddy Rich, the early years...

Best of Passionate Conservative
"...thank you sir, may I have another?...thank you sir, may I have another?...thank you sir, may I have another?..."

Best of Oiao
"Barry! Listen! Always bow TOWARDS Mecca! Got it!"

Best of metalgarth
Rock Band: Third World Ghetto edition was the moment when the series "jumped the shark"

Best of Submariner
A moment later, little Sammy Davis Jr. turned his head to the left and lost an eye, just like his Momma said he would...

Best of blue
if your bombs do not go off and you are captured by the Americans say that they did this to you while in their custody.....

Best of Rodney Dill
Todd Rundgren as a child

Best of molson
No! No virgins for you! You haven't even been blown up yet.

Weird Science

Sondra K

1. "That's what dub considers too fat? Dayum!"

2. "Oh! I know! Use a Men in Black reference. Those always make the 'Best ofs'."

3. Sure, they're laughing now, but the next day, Icanhascheezburger was shut down by the Justice Department for 'racist insensitivity to Ebonics users.'

4. "Yeah, I guess my wife sorta does look like a Klingon."

5. "OK, you've got the angle right, but according to 'chinesebowing.com' you have to hold your hands at the sides to indicate complete submission."


Best of metalgarth
"She is known to pick her nose and eat her boogers"
Anybody else have something to add to Sarah Palin's Wikipedia page?

Best of paul
Shall we play a game?
How about Global Thermonuclear War?

Best of Passionate Conservative
OK, Bowing to the computer was going WAY too far.

Best of dadoctah
"Man, I used to just *love* Rick Astley!"

Best of Jay Guevara
Obama: "I dunno, I don't think that SNL skit is that funny."

Best of Submariner
No, Mr. President; It's Michael Dorn, not Muh'chel...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Okay, I've hacked into the NSA email sniffer again... let's check out Barney Frank's holiday order from Twinks R Us, then we can read more of Biden's love notes to the German Chancellor.

Best of mega
"Haha, my man, that is some funky-ass climate data."

Best of dadoctah
The Men Who Stare At Goatse.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Adam Lambert Sets Back Gay Rights 20 years


1. Adam should have known better than to perform with a drag queen who called herself 'Queef Richards.'

2. If you came of age in the 80s, it's probably best not to let your kids see your prom pictures.

3. Never send a drag queen and a sissy with too much eyeliner to fix a warp core breach.

4. "This is mine! This is where my babies come from!"

5. "Hair gel? I make my own."

Best of racerboy
So that's what Johnny Weir's been up to...

Best of molson
Oh that's where my cell got to.

Best of Matt the K
"Ewww! Ewww!! EWWWWWW!!!!! Now I'm gonna have to boil my fingers!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
WORST. SOAP DISPENSER. EVER.

Best of dadoctah
It took a few years, but Miley finally found a way to fully incorporate Billy Ray into her stage show.

Katie Couric Makes Ipecac Superfluous


1. "Aunt Katie, you always dance dirty whenever they play 'Doll Parts.' Is there something about your lost weekend with Courtney Love you're not telling us?"

2. "You can stop dancing, Katie. That 'news report' that Glenn Beck has terminal butt cancer turned out to be another DailyKos internet hoax."

3. "Now, normally, the 'top-girl' would be wearing a strap on..." Little Jenny regrets asking Katie Couric about her days at Sarah Lawrence.

4. After trying for 45 minutes, Katie finally had to admit she didn't know how to do the French Mistake.

5. "Hey, kid, your mom and I would like some grown-up time. Why don't you go to the movies or something?"
Best of Vinney
Remember that piece I did on clononoscopies? My butt has never been the same since then.

Best of Jack Reacher
In her defense, the kids did ask how she got her job.

Best of Unscrupulous
"I've always tried to do a really good job every day, with each interview, and make the person I'm speaking with feel comfortable... Now smack my ass you nasty ho!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Upon seeing the orb of her dead husband in the TV screen, Katie does a bump & grind routine while her daughter pulls the chakra from her hips in an attempt to communicate with the dead.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Help us, Obama-won Kenobi. You're our last hope."

Best of dadoctah
"You'll have to excuse Katie. She just saw the Levi Johnston spread and her knees buckled."

Best of Submariner
"Bark for me, monkey woman..."

Monday, November 23, 2009

Smirking Butthead


1. "A salute, how cute. Now down on your knees and kneel before your god!"

2. "Nice ass."

3. Valium enemas keep you smiling even while your country collapses around you.

4. Crystal Meth: The Fresh Maker

5. In Andrew Sullivan's fantasy, the action goes a lot further.

Best of Army of Dad
"Sir, the door is to your right, the window is to your left."

Best of Passionate Conservative
You were in the Village People, right?

Best of Jay Guevara
"Dayum! I got honkies salutin' me!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Ha Ha, I didn't say Simon Says.

Tae Kwan Dork

Brender

1. "I had no idea Klingon females enjoyed being fisted."

2. "I see limp posturing coupled by weakness. Your opponents laugh at your attempts to feign strength and resolve. But enough about your foreign policy..."

3. "When I think about the lack of skin in New Moon, I just get so angry! Soetero Hulk, um, SMASH!"

4. "You could have just asked for arugula, you didn't have to deck the waitress."

5. "Well, you've mastered the 'float like a butterfly' part."

Best of GregMan
"...and then Frank Marshall Davis did this to me!"

Best of metalgarth
WORST. MORTAL KOMBAT. SEQUEL. EVER

Best of Army of Dad
Kung Pow President, now with 75% less Pow!

Best of Passionate Conservative
All you American Politicians know how to do is shop and spend money...

Best of dadoctah
If Jim Kelly and Bruce Lee have let themselves go like this, I don't even want to *know* what John Saxon looks like.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

A Low Hanging Slow Pitch

Weasel Zippers

1. "Darn it all to heck! I pay you guys to keep the zombies away from me!"

2. "Who let the dogs out?" Sarah Palin wasn't singing, she had just noticed that Andrea Mitchell and Meredith Viera were in the house.

3."Oh, I don't think about it much, but I guess if two fellas did wanna have sex, it would work kinda like this..."

4. "I can tell by the goo in her hair that Ms. Mitchall has just scored another interview with Barack Obama."

5. "Is that the stink of death on you, Andrea? Or just MSNBC's ratings?"

Best of Passionate Conservative
See Andrea Mitchell. See Andrea Mitchell cop a feel. Feel Andrea Feel. See Rachel Maddow go ballistic.
Can you say ballistic? I knew you could!

Best of prince of leaves
"Oh, there goes that Andrea, wearing the same outfit as me again! I hear M'Chel has the same trouble with dominatrixes and old sofas.

Best of Adriane
Oh Lord, M. Night Shyamalan filming funeral sequences again.

Best of dadoctah
"For your own safety, ma'am, please do not look directly at Her Palincy."

Did you hear something?


1. "Sounds like those faggots from Glee are singing 'Single Ladies' again."

2. "If your quarterback can't resist the urge to vogue at the start of every play, you can look forward to an 0-11 season" --- Football for the Modern Coach, p. 127.

3. "The people in the stands appear to be urging me to 'Run!' and 'Score!' I hadn't considered those options previously, but now it all seems so clear what I should do."

4. "Rich Rodriguez is talking to the coach about recruiting me. Dammit, were can I fumble this thing?"

5. "What's that noise? It sounds like Charlie Weis crying into a huge bucket of ribs."

Best of Matt the K
Coach took advantage of Johnny's paranoid schizophrenia by planting a tiny 'God's Voice' speaker in his helmet.

Best of Kaptain Krude
This new Heisman pose seems to lack a certain something.

Best of divine miss m
"5...6...7...8...STEP, step, HOP, Kick, TURN 2...3...KICK..."

Best of Steve O
Northville High School senior listens for any signs of a pass defense in their scrimmage with the Detroit Lions.

Best of Silhouette
Lois made extra money by betting on the opposing team and quietly crying "Help, Superman!" during crucial plays.

Best of GregMan
Todd surprised everyone by successfully combining his love of Broadway show tunes with football.

Best of molson
Oh how I hope Adam Lambert is so checking me out.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Chang You Can Believe In

Al

1. Chang just caught a whiff of PBO's leadership.

2. Seaman Takei tries to keep a straight face while contemplating the homonym qualities of his rank.

3. Little did Morpheus expect Agent Smith to morph out of a Chinese sailor.

4. Not wanting to shame all of China, Seaman Chang tries to hold in a fart.

5. "Dammit!" Seaman Chang thought. "Is long time for raxative to kick in!"

Wicked Best of Unscrupulous
"You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken."

Best of blue
The American Capitalist Pig did not bow to me! How Insulting

Best of GregMan
The problem is, a half-hour later you want to review an honor guard again.

Best of Highlander
Always impressionable, Seaman Ping had just returned from a matinee showing of "Men Who Stare at Goats", and he thought, "Heck, what've I got to loose".

Best of Oiao
Kim and other sailors were very confused by the lack of an Organ Grinder in the procession.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Stick out your tush - You're doing the American Mistake

Best of metalgarth
William Hung wasn't the ideal choice for the prime clone but if want a "fighting force of extrodinary magnitude" at a bargain price...

Best of Adriane
First, it was appliances! Then, it was Christmas ornaments!! And now, Chris Matthews has outsourced his tingle up the leg to the Chinese!!!

Best of Rodney Dill
"Scwew you... I work for Mare Brooks."

Best of mega
Obama wondered....what are those shiny, pointy things? And, does everyone here know I won the Nobel Prize, or should I make a speech and tell them?

Best of Kaptain Krude
"He did not wait to get a 'harrumph' out of me!"

Best of Steve O
Tragically, the sailor was later involved in a terrible accident, drowning in an untended bucket of water.

Aw, Horse Spit

Brender
1. Sarah Palin's base as imagined by most of the anchors as MSNBC.

2. Still, it's more sophisticated than the commentary you get from Keith Olbermann.

3. Enumclaw lover's spat.

4. Another feminist spit-take brought to you by the success of Sarah Palin's Going Rogue.

5. Gesundheit!

Best of GregMan
Clearly the old woman doesn't swallow.
Oh G-d I can't believe I wrote that

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Dear Miss Manners: No matter how hard I try, I cannot get my daughter to cover her mouth when she spits out a curse. What should I do? Sincerely, Madam Zelda

Best of Adriane
"For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee ..."

Best of jeff
"A good luck ritual also seen at Greek Weddings."

Best of Kaptain Krude
Chalk-faced horse!
(I can't believe nobody has done that one yet!)

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Lt. Major Rack



Best of dadoctah
My favorite thing about Julia is that when you ask her for directions, she points without using her hands.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Weird Science - Pt 2... Nerds All Growed Up"
Two bored NOAA meteorologists are testing weather balloons. One is struck by lightning, and the audience endures 109 minutes of gratuitous sexual inuendo.

Best of blue
"I rob banks, and since no one looks at my face, I've never been caught!"

Best of eat me
But Sarge, I am wearing the army issued minimizer!

Best of Matt the K
Cher...you're 73 now...enough's ENOUGH!!!

Best of Submariner
Have you seen my partner; Lt. Major Wood?

Best of Rodney Dill
OK, so they're a little bigger than Obama and Biden.

Blame It On the Rain



Best of Army of Dad
Groin stretch: Ur doing it just fine.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sally figured nobody would notice her taking a quick potty break in mid-field during the downpour.
Lesson: Never assume

Best of Oiao
I never understood why it was called Women’s Double Amputee ‘Exhibition’ Soccer, until I saw this photo.

Best of Matt the K
V must have found this on www.thickwaistedbooblesssuperherocodpieceswedishchix.com

Best of Submariner
Uhhhhh, Tiffany? That's the in-ground sprinkler, not a bidet...

Best of Rodney Dill
Bactrian or Dromedary?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

My Science Project


1. AoM's kid spends a lot of time in the principal's office.

2. "What? I lost to the Smell My Farts kid? F Affirmative Action!"

3. Billy won first prize for being smart enough to preempt Barney Frank's busy, busy hands.

4. "I got the idea when Mrs. LaTourneau asked me to help with her breast exam."

5. And the number one reason there aren't more women in science...

Best of blue
I'm glad I live in the cornbelt..my cousin in SF had to do a study on dicks

Best of Matt the K
Always the smartass, Billy wrote only "YOUR MOM" in the folder marked 'Findings'.

Best of Steve O
Quinn likes to explain how he got his pictures to stick to the posterboard without using any tape.

Best of Oiao
The 21st Century version Doogie Howser, just prior to starting his highly profitable Vegas breast augmentation practice......

Best of Unscrupulous
Anyone stupid enough to open the "Findings" binder deserves what they get.

Levity


1. Now, that's a fart.

2. Light in his loafers ... all time champion.

3. La-Z-Boy presents a chair stuffed with the contents of Levi Johnston's head.

4. "Ma! The aliens are abducting me again!"

5. "Dammit, Yoda, put me down. I'm sorry I said you looked like a green turd."

Best of Submariner
Now ist der time at Schprockets vhen ve levitate...

Best of Matt the K
Today, Blown-Away Memorex guy couldn't be more proud of little Blown-Away Jr.

Best of molson
Now to just stick the landing.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Simon was deep in denial, but he couldn't ignore the 800-lb invisible gorilla in the room forever.

Best of Adriane
I'm sorry Mr. Lee, but remaking The X-Men while channeling Ingmar Bergman does not exactly meet our criteria for 'Best Foreign Film' ...

Best of mega
Balloon boy then settled into a life outside the public eye.

Best of dadoctah
Greendale Middle School put up a statue to commemorate the honor student who died before graduation. When funds become available, they're going to put a column under it.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Despair... Supersized


1. Happy Meals would be wasted on these people. Oxygen is wasted on these people.

2. People who definitely will not be buying Sarah Palin's book are often easy to spot.

3. "Oh, look over there, Pat Boone is slitting his wrists with a spork over what America has become."

4. "Did you see the look on that food service worker's face when we asked for the Curly Fries of Despair with an extra large Onion Rings of a meaningless existence?"

5. "I paid for that Coke. Now, you totally have put out, or at least open up that papercut on your index finger and let me lick it."

Best of mpur
The Marilyn Manson fan club gets smaller and smaller every year.

Best of GregMan
Sometimes a good stiff dose of ennui doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

Best of Jay Guevara
Berkeley Republicans caucusing.

Best of Adriane
It is NOT homophobia! It's common sense! Jack Nicholson and Ozzy Osbourne should NOT be having children together!

Best of dadoctah
Tony Orlando & Dawn: the Next Generation.

Best of molson
Oh cheer up already. 2012 is just right around the corner.

Best of metalgarth
White Corpse Paint after labor day?

Best of Dactyl
The food court's new BrainBurgers franchise attracted a more inarticulate and slow-moving clientele than usual.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Who are you calling a chalk-faced whore?"

Best of racerboy
$6.99 - Nomables of the Beast

Best of mega
Charles: "If I rail at HotAir some more, you think that'll get me back in the game?"
"Give me that coke or your banned."
"I like your purple velvet dress. But from now on, you can only wear green."

Best of Matt the K
Chalk Faced Bores.

Answer: Not Good

via Buzzfeed

1. As one can see, Barry Sortero's narcissism began at a very young age.

2. Little did young Barry Soetero know that his 6th grade science project would win him the 2010 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.

3. Young Barry Soetero was at a loss to explain why his farts smelled like the manjuice of Frank Marshall Davis.

4. So, that's what Willis was talking 'bout.

5. "Roses and cinnamon!" insisted an ecstatic Chris Matthews.

Best of Matt the K
This week, on a very special 'Cosby Show', Dr. Huxtable deals with Theo's budding coprophagia.

Best of Jay Guevara
Obama's new choice for Science Czar.

Best of GregMan
And then young Barry Soetero won the Lifetime Achievement Award from the perfume and cologne industry.

Best of molson
By the look on that chick's face, fart one more time and soon we will know how your decaying corpse smells.

Best of Steve O
Demitri Martin's crossover appeal meets elementary school laziness.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Willie's exhibit failed to garner a prize, but art teacher Gertruda Inglestien quickly enrolled him in her advanced pencil & charcoal class for the realism of his detailed center drawing, titled: "underwear skidmarks for 5 days after mom's cabbage & hamhocks supper"

Best of dadoctah
Ordinarily I'd just let something like this go by without notice, but something tells me this is going to be the basis of a sitcom next season on the Fox network.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Klingons Got No Freakin' Class


1. "Why am I wearing quilted surgical scrubs and Starfleet boots to a Memorial service? Because I loaned my flaming pink "f-ck-me" pumps to Barney Frank, that's why."

2. "Don't you criticize my fashion sense you chalk-faced whore!"

3. Illustration from the forthcoming children's book The Empress Has a Steel-Belted Radial Tire Around Her Chest.

4. The Obama Economic Team insisted the weather was sunny and clear, with highs in the low 70's.

5. "It's rainin' men... Allah Akbar... it's rain me-e-n..."

Best of eat me
Did I marry up or what?

Best of Jay Guevara
"I bet that Motel 6 on the South Side is still wondering what happened to the curtains in that room."

Best of Adriane
I think this photo makes it easy to see why so many people thought a kid really could be stuck up in there ...

Best of dadoctah
I don't have anything to say about the FLOTUS, but behind her, Mary Poppins is a lot more butch than I remember.

Best of Jay Guevara
Soldier on left to one on right: "If these broads don't drop their prices we'll be standing on this street corner all day."

Best of prince of leaves
Laura froze in horror - the reverb in Michelle's voice, coupled with the ridiculous outfit, could only mean one thing: a goa'uld!

Best of molson
The new floor scrubber you can wear with power scrubber belt accessory and knee high biohazard boots for attacking those industrial size bodily fluid spills.

Best of HLam
Psst...You're supposed to wear the Tummy Blaster under your clothes Mrs. Obama.

Best of Steve O
Michelle snickers at the fashion faux-pas of wearing red shoes to a funeral parade. Red!

Begging for a Ritual Ass-Kicking

Brender

1. "Hey, there's some cocaine on your shoe."

2. "In my fantasy, he bows the other way," --- Andrew Sullivan.

3. "Oops. my bad, Emperor. For a minute, I thought you were George Soros."

4. "Does this look like head lice?"

5. "I'm not bowing intentionally, it's just that I have absolutely no spine."

Best of James Mcenanly
"What is thy bidding, my master?"

Best of metalgarth
Yes, I would be honored to distribute Mr. Sparkle in my home prefecture.

Best of HLam
"Please accept my country's apologies for bombing the crap out of you. To make up for it here is a CD compilation of all my speeches as well as Karate Kid 1 thru 10."

Best of Jay Guevara
"I am here to give America's apologies for their bombing the crap out of you. Of course, that was way before my time, and I had nothing to do with it. I wasn't even a community organizer then, so it's pre-history. You know I'm half African, too, right? I'm sure you've read my books. Someday I'll have to do that too. I know you've seen me on TV, and heard me on radio. I bet you've been eagerly awaiting me actually being here - I guess I could say "I'm the one you've been waiting for!" Now you've seen me in the flesh, which I know is a big thrill for everyone like you who gets to see me.

Anyway, enough about you. I want to make up for the wrongdoing of the country that elected me, so I hereby give you a commemorative edition DVD of Tora Tora Tora in a format that won't play in Japan. Here, I'll autograph it for you.

By the way, did you know I got the Nobel Peace Prize?"

Best of Steve O
Obama adds a touch of symbolism to his efforts to recreate the "Japanese Economic Miracle of 1990 to 2009"

Best of Matt the K
Empress Michiko await most anxious for join hand honable husband pass on robot blakedance move from Plesident Erectric Boogaroo.

Best of dub
Minutes later, Obama destroys negotiations by pulling Suzy Yakasakis rip cord too soon.

Best of Oiao
Obama appears to have installed an extra bowing joint in the middle of his back after the Saudi incident.

Because I can't do that Rollover thingy Sondra K does...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Saturday, November 14, 2009

This Is It, Baby, Hold Me

Fred Miranda


1. "I hate the way they pick on Carrie Prejean. Hold me, Bruce."

2. "I always dreamed I'd be in your strong, manly arms when the world ended." "Mike, 2012 is just a movie."

3. "Maybe taking three hits of Ecstasy before the game wasn't such a great idea."

4. "My TiVo deleted Ugly Betty before I had a chance to watch it. Hold me."

5. "It's okay, Bruce. A lot of us were tricked into believing he'd govern moderately, too."

Best of blue
Is it true Bruce? does the H on our helmets really stand for Homo?

Friday, November 13, 2009

Nothing But Net

Fred Miranda


1. A rapidly aging Madonna must resort to desperate measures to snag a man these days.

2. Colorado State absolutely hated playing against Tholian U.

3. Once again, Canadian football rules prove very confusing.

4. Spiderman had a lot of money riding on Colorado not beating the spread.

5. "Gawdam Asians and their drift nets!"

Best of Matt the K
After his 3rd interception of the quarter, Coach banned Joey to the Net of Shame.

Best of Army of Dad
"Get your paws off me, you damn dirty apes!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Oh, ennui, when wilst thou loosen thine hold on me?" To no one's surprise, the lads at William Shakespeare's Young Boys' Acadamie were real pushovers when it came to sports.

Fill in the Thought Bubble




Best of racerboy
"I don't mind our little private chats and all, but for once, would it kill him to meet me in the boardroom on this plane, instead of the john??"

Best of Maogwai
"Back in '61, I nailed a hooker in Singapore, looks just like this mo' fo'..."

Best of blue
Maybe Sesame Street CD's can teach him how to count without using his fingers....

Best of eat me
No Mr President, Maj. Nidal Hasan does not qualify for either the good conduct or marksmanship medals

Best of GregMan
Must. Not. Unleash. Fists. Of. Death.

Best of jeff
"Good grief - he's got his notes penned on his palm!"

Best of Submariner
Y'now, I think he might be able to contribute something to victory in Afghanistan after all. A couple of 50 cal, belt-feed, automatics, a couple of survival knifes, and Mu'chel being visited by her "little friend" might shorten the war...

Best of Jay Guevara
"Great plan - something he saw once in a movie. Guess I wasted my time at staff college."

Best of Steve O
Pounce...Don't Pounce...Pounce?

Best of mega
I'd rather listen to Susan Boyle sing her cover of "Wild Horses" than sit through this.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Memo to self (corrected): talk to Air Force about bombing the shit out of Indonesia and Kenya, just on principle."

Best of Kaptain Krude
Shouldn't the empty thought bubble be over Obama's head?

Best of Oiao
Just focus.... 130 days, 4 hours, 0 minutes, 02 seconds until I retire. 130 days, 4 hours, 0 minutes, 01 seconds until I retire. 130 days, 4 hours, o minutes, 0 seconds until I retire. 130 days, 3 hours, 59 minutes, 59 seconds until I retire...........

Stargate Galactica



1. Harok-Ptui!

2. "Yeah, I was standing right here when the ennui first grasped me."

3. "SRSLY, what did you expect the entertainment to be at Michael Vick's house?"

4. "The community is organized. Our work here is done."

5. Sure, she's playing it cool, but deep down, she digs my mullet.

Best of GregMan
"No, we don't want to go to that planet. They elected some idiot community organizer as president."

Best of Mr. Hankey
It's always hard to address pre-mature ejaculation.

Best of jeff
"Could you maybe come on to Eli? He's not working well being distracted by Chloe."

Best of Oiao
"Quit making that face. I really, really thought that kid was actually in that baloon....!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
It is NOT a gross waste of United Federation funds and manpower to make a minor 430 million light year detour. First, what are the odds the vaccine can save the Kreldarian people? Second, I'm certain this is where I left my car keys. Now, go look under those benches for a neon pink lucky gribnerz foot.

Best of mega
"Maybe doing a first date in a ballet practice room wasn't such a good idea."
"No."
"Go get a burger?"
"Sure."
"I really feel we connect."
"Not really."
"I'm bored."
"It's the Eddie Bauer get-up. It's so twenty years ago."
"Think we'll sleep together tonight?"
"Probably."

Best of Rm 207
"I can't believe I bet my career on this show."
"Me neither."

Best of dadoctah
"Mr Wonka, the Oompa-Loompas have put me on retainer to present you with a list of labor grievances."

Best of prince of leaves
"Sorry, Dr. Rush, I'm just not attracted to pricks. Literally or metaphorically."

Thursday, November 12, 2009

One Fish, Two Fish

Al

Best of Adriane
So, how many fish do you smell in this picture?

Best of Submariner
Carpe aereolai

Best of dadoctah
I think we've just discovered why Sheriff Taylor stopped taking Opie with him when he went to the ol' fishin' hole.

Best of GregMan
Yep, that's a couple of nice ones, alright. Oh, there's fish in that picture, too?

Best of molson
Guppies and puppies.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Retired pro-baseball player Timmy Jones enjoys fishing. A chance to communce with nature, dress the way he wants and not have to listen to wisecracks about steroid use... which, btw, he still vigorously denies.

Best of Army of Dad
Jerk baits are very popular.

Best of Rodney Dill
One fish, two fish
red fish, boob fish

Don't You Cry For Me



Best of Army of Dad
Alabama takes date rape seriously and the cheerleaders show the co-eds how to fend off some smelly frat boy.

Best of Submariner
Like *this* Mr. Miyagi?

Best of dadoctah
It's just a shame that she'll end up having her cousin's baby before graduation.

Best of Matt the K
You, do NOT want to be the dude underneath holding her up when she's having her Crimson Tide.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The challenge of distracting nerds


1. "Do you mind? We're trying to post a scathing critique of Windows 7."

2. "Rick, would you mind trying to stay focused on our World of Warcraft quest?"

3. The NSA's crack anti-terrorism squad was just about to red flag Nidal Hasan when they were distracted by a rogue group of State Department interns.

4. "OBAMA IS THE SHIZZLE RACIST TEA-BAGGERS!!!!111!!!" After passing the final test, George Soros's paid trolls were unleashed on the right-wing blogosphere.

5. "United 453 Heavy, turn right 35 degrees on vector... oh, what the hell. It's Rick's birthday and there's naked chicks in the control tower. Land wherever the hell you want."

Best of sonicfrog
Is this what they mean by a "denial of service" attack???

Best of Steve O
Interns work diligently at a typical Bogger's office.
Pictured here is V the K's basement.

Best of dadoctah
The "I'm a Mac/I'm a PC" campaign turns dirty.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Skankendales, where nerds gather not to watch the ugly babes but to play WOW and Crysis on souped up PCs.

Best of metalgarth
Sorry, I don't have any "ones" to tuck in your panties. What's your PayPal ID?

Best of molson
I tried "control alt delete", but she still won't go away.

Best of mega
"Hey Bob, check this out...I found a great porn site."

Best of Submariner
I bet she was hawt during the reign of the 286...

Best of jeff
< Dude, does the front of her bikini actually say "Depends" >
[Yes, yes it does]

Best of Adriane
Few people know that Van Halen's 'Hot for Teacher' music video had to go through several edits ...

*That* with *Those* Goggles, Please, Sister


1. "I don't get it. Why has Mrs. LaFave banged every guy in class but me?"

2. "I knew this hat would save me from being featured on a Tuesday."

3. "I FOUND PILLS AND ATE THEM!"

4. What Kyle from South Park would look like today had the boys been allowed to age naturally.

5. After emigrating to Canada, Tommy Hilfiger's aesthetic changed rather dramatically.

Best of dadoctah
How the heck did Elton John have a son?

Best of Matt the K
The Steelers cheerleading squad has *really* lowered its standards.

Best of Steve O
Sometimes the hat itself says, "Don't touch the hat."

Best of Submariner
What the typical "Thumb" resident mentally pictures when you say "Yooper."

Best of mega
"Fargo II: Takin' It To Savannah" had a few continuity issues.

Best of molson
Yeah I did call Tech Support, but on second thought I really don't mind that my PC downloads pr0n all on it's own.

Best of blue
Hey Sailor, new in town?

Best of dadoctah
"Der goggles! Dey do nuzzink!"

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Helena Bonham Carter Will Never Make It to Thursday

H/T Army of Mom


1. Retroactively, Helena's character in Fight Club looks hot now.

2. "Mr. Polanski, would you mind looking after Deirdre while I run out for some Slim Fast and Ipecac?"

3. "Damn triffids! Always copping a feel."

4. "Get away from her, you bitch!" Helena wasn't channeling Sigourney Weaver in Aliens, she just hated sharing a pool with the LPGA Tour.

5. "Oh, so Daniel Radcliffe let you hold his wand while he buggered a horse, did he?"


Best of blue
There went lunch..........

Best of molson
While it's true beauty is only skin deep, sometimes it's completely nonexistent without large amounts of alcohol ahead of time.

Best of Steve O
Dogtags.
Appropriate.

Best of Rodney Dill
"No it doesn't make your ass look fat... but those boards on the fence look really narrow."

Best of Jay Guevara
Kid: "AAAAAAaaaargghhh! I'm gonna look like _that_ in 30 years??"

Best of Matt the K
Relax, y'all, she's just storing enough cellulite for the soap-making scene in Fight Club II.

The Unbearable Gayness of Climate Change

Psonic Phrog

1. The new "Gay Earth Ball" game on Price Is Right turned out to be a crowd pleaser not so much.

2. Al Gore's weight? Andrew Sullivan's anonymous sex-partners year-to-date? Length in feet Barney Frank is required by law to remain from elementary and middle schools? What's the significance of 350?

3. Janeane Garofalo strategically positions herself next to the Fisting Fetishists in a low cut dress, just to make sure no one would enjoy their lunch that day.

4. An onlooker was heard to say, "This is so lame compared to the studded-leather-and-amyl-nitrate moonbounce at Folsom Street."

5. And the festive centerpiece was a giant green snot bubble.


Best of Submariner
Rev'rund Jesse's group celebrates the historic decrease in harrassment charges brought by female Coalition staffers in 2009...

Best of Rodney Dill
"... our chief weapon is sphere... sphere and surprise.... our two chief weapons are..."

Best of dadoctah
"...and tonight's Powerball number is...."

Best of mega
Obama hailed the new $50 billion government program to label every round object with the number of degrees in a circle.

Best of Steve O
In game shows of the future, the prizes will include exciting things like carbon credits!

Best of Army of Dad

ORA ...The monster said he needed tree fitty.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Devil in a Blue Scarf

The only fond thought I have about Hillary, is that at least once in her miserable existence that Arkansan bastard boor was on top of her probing away until he grunted. It's the only thing he ever did I approve of too. - Torabora @ AOSHQ

and blue

1. "The Hills are alive/With the sound of jihad..."

2. Hillary insisted on performing all the "Are they real, or just spectacular" inspections herself.

3. "My, what big bazooms you have..." Little Blue Riding Hood was one of the reworked fairy tales in the NEA-sponsored children's book Stories for Little Dykes and Effeminate Boiz.

4. Hillary was finding it hard to explain the concept of a clenis to a Muslim culture.

5. "Sheryl Swoopes, I'm open!"


Best of Army of Dad
"I am conrholio, I need TP for my bunghole"

Best of racerboy
It seems the years have not been kind to Smurfette...

Best of Unscrupulous
"Has anyone seen my big Earth Bouncy Ball? I was over by that tree with Jimmy Carter, when a little squirrel distracted me and..."

Best of Viking04
In the desert, there are no buckets of water. I am safe! Hahahahahahahahahahhahhahaha!

Best of prince of leaves
"Your feeble tea parties are no match for the power of the Left Side!"

Best of prince of leaves
"Now, young Monica - you will die..."

Best of Submariner
Bill and Ted also brought back some "less than excellent" results on their adventure... thankfully they were left on the cutting room floor.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The hell with throwing plates, what I really wanted to do was grab his hairy plums and squeeze them until he squealed like the pig bast*rd he is.

Best of Jay Guevara
Hillary modeling her new line of stain-resistant blue dresses.

Best of mega
OK, ok, here's power. And here's me. NOW do y'all understand why I've adopted the headdress of submission?

Loser in the Park

Brender
1. "Billy, ever see America's Worst Living President naked?"

2. "You see, Billy, Al Qaeda will never attack Washington as long as Obama and Pelosi are destroying the country for them."

3. Billy felt a malaise coming on, and he didn't even know what a malaise was.

4. "Billy, Zargon will pay you 20,000 Quatloos for your soiled underwear." Jimmy Carter learned the profitable side of pedophile fetishism from his old pal, Yassir Arafat.

5. 20,000 captions later, Kobe finally threw the ball.

Best of BigdaddyNick
He screwed the whole world in his hands.

Best of molson
If only I had come up with that man created global warming scam, I'd be worth billions now.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Yeah, but it was a really big ass rabbit. Now let show you some other countries I lost."

Best of mega
"See, Billy, every spot on this ball will be completely peaceful when the Jews just go away."

Best of dadoctah
Isn't it a little early for the obligatory picture of Father Time passing the world on to Baby New Year?

Best of metalgarth
Back in my day we didn't have the little sissy marbles you kids have now.

Best of mega
"My fingers represent the vice-grip of failed, sentimentalist statism, crawling incessantly over the plant, and the globe represents the ... well, planet. Now do you understand why I love Obama so much, Billy?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Super glue?!? Very funny, you little sh*t.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Thank God you knew the Heimlich maneuver son."

Best of Jay Guevara
"And there's boiled peanuts, and fried peanuts, and peanut butter, and peanut brittle, and ..."

Best of Mr. Hankey
The final scene of Lost

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Last Saturday with Metalgarth

Metalgarth

1. "Give it up, Garth. You'll never live like the common people do."

2. "Naw, I'm into green chicks with big honkers. It's Obi-Wan who likes rough trade."

3. "No! Wrong! Do the jazz hands right, or I will kill you!"

4. "Dammit, what have you done with the rest of my bricks?"

5. Kirk and Obi-Wan had never heard of the KISS Army. They just hated mimes.

Wicked Best of Viking04
What happens when Vladimir Putin crashes your Halloween party stays at the party.

Best of dadoctah
Live-action "Family Guy" cutaway gag #703.

Best of metalgarth
Kirk and Obi Wan could never deal with the fact that "Kiss Meets the Phantom of The Park" was slightly less awful than the entire Prequel Trilogy and Star Treks 1,3,5,6,7....

Best of steve o
In this mashup of Star Trek, Miami Vice, Star Wars, Kiss Reunion tour, everybody in the audience loses $7.

Best of Matt the K
Is this an outtake from Part II of Mel Brooks' "Jews in Space"?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Wait!... If that's your light saber up by my neck then what's... AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Please don't shoot, I'm not the one that sang Beth, honest."

Best of Vinnie Vincent
Can you honestly qeustion my decision to quit Kiss after the Lick it Up tour now?

Best of mega
As per instructions from Holden and Napolitano, the courtroom re-enactment of the Ft. Hood massacre avoided anything having to do with Islam.

Best of Submariner
You.See.FOUR.Lights.

Happy Birthday, Army of Mom



Blast of dadoctah
"Now let's get up there on those air conditioners!"

Beast of Matt the K
Dammit! This Halloween party sucks. EVERYBODY went as Michelangelo's 'David'!!!

Blast of Rodney Dill
"Hey, let's go nail that hippo again."

Blast of trollcrusher
Where are a couple of those rectangular black censor panels when you need 'em?

Blast of Submariner
Anybody seen my Nikes?

Beast of blue
smörgåsbord at a Barney Frank beach party

Beast of racerboy
For once, Sully was pleased with the search results.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Homework! Homework! Give me a Break!


1. Whether it was the roofies in his milk, or page 1190 of the PelosiCare bill that knocked him out didn't matter to Barney Frank. What mattered was, one of his interns was now easy pickin's.

2. "Zzzzzz... yeah, Mrs. LeTourneau, take it, take it hard, you filthy bitch... Zzzzzzz."

3. When life gets too tough, Billy simply drifts off into a land where his weird soccer cleat fetish is tolerated, even celebrated.

4. When Billy woke up, he would be actually quite pleased with the makeover his sister had given him.

5. ORA: Another satisfied customer of Glade's G-23 Paxilon Hydrochlorate series of air fresheners.

Best of GregMan
Just like in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", when Billy awoke, he had become an alien "pod person", complete with Obama campaign button.

Best of molson
Hope and change indoctrination sure is hard work.

Best of dadoctah
Little Nemo in Overachieverland.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The mind-meld with his textbook would fail miserably.

Mom, the Hippo Is Blocking the TV Again


1. I CAN HAS ROSIE ODONNELL JOKES?

2. "It's gigantic and obvious, but no one wants to talk about it; but enough about the Obama deficit."

3. "I feel like I should say something about its weight, but that would be hippo-critical."

4. "Sorry, lady. Thursday was seven hours and about 800 lbs ago."

5. Kirstie Ally Cat.

Best of dadoctah
"Do *you* want to call Orkin, or shall I?"

Best of metalgarth
Hungry, Hungry Hippos UR DOIN' KWITE WELL AXUALLY

Best of metalgarth
LOLCATS present "Return of the Jedi"

Best of dadoctah
When even the cat couldn't stop staring, David Hasselhoff knew it was time to seek help.

Best of Adriane
I got mine! What did you want for Christmas?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Elwood Ditmyer learned a very important lesson... never buy a "pedigree" pet from an unlicensed potbellied pig mill.

Best of trollcrusher
'Ow to speak Australian: GUARD DOG.

Best of Steve O
"Pounce? Don't pounce?
Don't pounce? Pounce?
Hmmm."

Best of Matt the K
The Joneses are so damn pretentious. Why can't they just have a normal coffee table like the rest of us??

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Just in Time for Deer Season

Al

Best of Army of Dad
Just a button buck, but that is ok!

Best of trollcrusher
Meghan McCain seems to get more outlandish by the day.

Best of mega
Famous last words in the tatoo parlor: "Be creative."

Best of Oiao
Yup, Yup! Deer in the headlights......!

Best of Dactyl
If Army of Mom doesn't have this outfit, I'll be happy to make her one.

Best of dadoctah
Folks, meet Bambi. That's not her name, but I call her that on account of I'd like to Thump 'er.

Best of Steve O
Some women just seem easier than others. I have a sixth sense about this sort of thing.

Ho's Down Hose Down

Fred Miranda

Slick

Fred Miranda


Best of Army of Dad
Hillary's interns celbrate her departure for another state visit.

Best of jeff
"Hey Jane - ever wonder how much better this would be naked in jello?"

Best of prince of leaves
Peek oil.

Best of trollcrusher
PETER. NORTH. WAS. HERE.

Best of mega
OMG! Your parents shell out $40,000 for you to go to this college, too!??!!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Bidenmerkel


1. Mr. Burns thought Merkel's rack was exxxxx-cellent!

2. "The number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be a three-letter word: tits, t-i-t-s, tits."

3. "Fraulein, would you like to hear my motorboat impression?"

4. "If only I had ein Sharpie, zen I could connect zie liver spots on his head." thought the German Chancellor.

5. "That reminds me," Merkel thought. "I should pick up some beef jerky while I'm in America."

Best of Rodney Dill
It rubs the lotion on its skin,
or it gets done by Joe again.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Ever trying to impress, Joe does the "Dipping Bird" into the glass of water.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Have you heard the one where the VP and two underage pages go into a bar? Oh, good, I thought my secret was out.

Best of Vinney
"This will kill you. Two Indians walk into a Dunkin Donuts..."

Best of prince of leaves
Biden thought bubble: "Ist es schon Donnerstag?!?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"All will be in readiness, master," Biden practices his Igor impression.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Iz eet safe?"
(Laurence Olivier in Marathon Man)

Best of mega
Please, I'm BEGGING you, show me the titties.

Best of mega
"So, Merkster, hypothetically speaking, if you had accidentally glued your hands together, how would you deal with it?"

Best of Viking04
Thought bubble: "blödsinnig Arschloch"

Best of Matt the K
Dick Van Dyke's grandpa guest stars in a very special "Murder, She Wrote"

God and KISS

Metalgarth
1. And on the Eighth Day, God rock and rolled all night, and partied every day.

2. "Check it out, Gandalf. Ozzie just bit the head off of Frodo."

3. "Um, no, actually, it means... um... Kindness Is Super, Seriously ... Please don't smite me."

4. "Are Thou ready to rock? I said, Art Thou READY to ROCK!"

5. Well, it was closing time, and Army of Mom's pickin's were gettin' pretty slim.

Best of metalgarth
I said I wanted meet the APOSTLE Paul!

Best of Silhouette
Tragedy struck the music world when Noah saved two rockers, but both turned out to be male. In his defense Noah said, "Dude looked like a lady."

Best of Barco Sin Vela II
Lemmy Kilmister poses with Paul Stanley last Saturday night in Branson.

Best of dadoctah
Worst. Nativity scene. Ever.

Best of mega
"So, I've always wondered, is there really a 'Beth' or is that apocryphal?"

Best of trollcrusher
Apparently Michael Jackson faked his own demise last June and secretly absconded to the North Pole to begin a new life with Santa and his elves ('specially the young nubile ones easily *manipulated* by his ephebophilic tendencies).

Best of Matt the K
After years of shagging groupies backstage, Moses wasn't the only one with a burning bush.