Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Bacon Crossing

Brender

1. "Congressman Murtha's office is right up that way."

2. Rosie O'Donnell triumphantly returns to 'The View,' and brings her entourage.

3. How to disrupt a Muslim Day of Prayer.

4. "Heil Piglet!"

5. "This is great. First, those PETA guys liberated us. And now they're taking us to the 'Hormel Pig Sanctuary.'"

Best of metalgarth
Arnold Ziffel has been milking his celebrity status wayyyyyy too long

Best of dadoctah
"When I told Piglet all his relatives were welcome," thought Christopher Robin, "I had no idea it would completely disrupt the Hundred Acre Wood. They breed like freaking *rabbits*! Well, worse, actually, seeing as how Rabbit came out back in the late 80s."

Best of 5X88
Excuse me miss, did a chicken just come by here?

Best of Rodney Dill
Professional courtesy.

Best of jeff
Just got back from Hawaii - met one of their friends at a luau.

Sump Thing

Brender

1. "Hey kid, Roman Polanski thinks you're hot."

2. Ang Lee's Kramer vs. Sasquatch.

3. Rogaine FAIL.

4. Treebeard was good about respecting the joint custody agreement, but repeatedly tried to pay the child support in acorns.

5. "Your pool is clean now, ma'am, but you seriously should put in more chlorine before next time."

Best of Matt the K
Ho Ho Ho... Green Sni-per

Best of GregMan
"So I forgot to shave my legs today. So sue me."

Best of Jack Reacher
The Frankenmuth city council was only spurred to action on the growth of brush within town limits when some of it began walking.

Best of Viking04
Euro Disney's new character, Billy Ghillie, never really caught on.

Best of Army of Dad
So its ok to dress up as a cartoon character, but dress up as a first person shooter guy and everyone freaks out.

Best of Matt the K
"See honey, keep wiping your nose on yours sleeve, and you'll end up like that!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes, Wookies do pull off your arms if you don't pick up your toys."

Best of Rodney Dill
OK, So Mom wasn't a Rolling Stones groupie.

Best of Adjustah
Chewie hated swimming at the community pool because they always used too much chlorine.

Best of Adriane
You just know the breakdown of Christianity in Europe is complete when people start selling their children to Druids in broad daylight ...

Best of Adjustah
"Seriously Dad, it was just a Holiday Special. There's no such thing as 'Life Day', so just let it go!"

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Let the Smelling of Farts Begin



1. Standard Caption #1: " Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn"

2. Standard Caption #6 B-R-R-A-A-A-A-I-N-N-S-S-S-S-S!!!

3. "OK, kids, let's sing this hymn again, only this time substitute 'Barack' for 'Jesus.'"

4. "We only handle imaginary snakes. We're pussies like that."

5. The Episcopalian Church gets a little more weird every time I look.

Wicked ORA Best of Viking04
More beans, Mr. Taggert?

Best of HLam
The first class of the morning in Superman University is "Up, Up, and Away".

Best of Rodney Dill
"Obam...ho...tep....
Obam...ho...tep....
Obam...ho...tep...."

Best of Jay Guevara
"mmmm mmmmm mmmm Jim Jones mmmm mmmm mmmm"

Best of dadoctah
Worst. Star Trek. Convention. Ever.

Best of paul
(left to right)
You are under arrest.
Heil, Hitler.
Touchdown!

Best of metalgarth
"We're not worthy!"

Best of Silhouette
We've replaced their normal Sunday choir with The Village People. Let's see if they notice.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Forty years and forty pounds later, Former silver medalist Ming Pao can still stick the landing.

Best of dadoctah
What in the *hell* has Chastity Bono gotten herself caught up in this time?

Now, This Might Hurt a Lot


1. "I agree, Rick Santorum is a total freaking weirdo. So, what do you want me to pierce your ballsac with, the tire iron or the human thigh bone."

2. You know, I got a lot of cat hair in my sofa. Would you guys mind coming over and brushing your hair on it for an hour or two?

3. "So, what are you the czar of?"

4. "The weird part is, all of this was completely covered by ObamaCare."

5. "I find listening to Obama speeches on my iPod completely distracts me from the horrific pain."

Wicked Best of dadoctah
"We don't actually get a lot of requests for all *three* Jonas Brothers."

Best of mega
"I figured I deserved a treat after not being able to make the bus fare for Pittsburgh."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Kenneth, what is the frequency?"

Best of Matt the K
The Laws of Darwinism will ensure we never have to see what these guys will look like when they're 80.

Best of Silhouette
"Just about finished with your gull and crossbows." - Next, on Dave, the Hard Of Hearing Tattoo Artist.

Best of blue
And after I transplant your balls to your chin you will be able to teabag yourself

Best of metalgarth
Did you say ABBA Logo or Swastika?

Monday, September 28, 2009

Meanwhile, Back in Indonesia

Brender

1. "I love you, bamboo pole."

2. Dang! I'd hate to see the rest of the pirate.

3. Despite billions and billions and billions of Stimulus spending, the project only ever produced enough electricity to power a small night light.

4. It's true, the Obama administration is too incompetent to even run a caber toss.

5. "But how does this performance art piece benefit Obama's agenda? Grant Request Denied. (Signed) NEA Review Committee."

Best of Unscrupulous
Even after the deluge of negative press, ACORN employees simply refuse to give up their stripper poles.

Best of jj
Obama outsources the Eastern European Missile Defense Shield.

Best of Jay Guevara
Aspiring American Presidential candidates were induced to climb poles to get the short-form Hawaiian birth certificates attached on top.

Best of Silhouette
Eventually, fines and other punishments "discouraged" complaints about the ban on Christmas, and Americans came to accept the Festivus poles on the village green.

Best of Silhouette
As the world stared in confusionat the Chicago opening ceremonies, everyone realized that they should have given the 2016 Olympics to Brazil.

Best of molson
Green job my ass. This chit sucks.

Best of Adriane
"Damn travel agent! I said I'd love to vacation with little Asian men with hard poles, and this is where they send me ...", snarled Andrew Sullivan.

Best of mega
Wa'alsulam treasured the bamboo pole he'd been given as a gift for agreeing to keep the birth certificate buried behind the shed.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I will love him and squeeze him and call him 'George'."

Best of Matt the K
"You like Indonesian pole-climber movies, Bobby?"

Best of Adriane
After the Eco-nazis banned seawalls, damns, and just about any other life saving technology, Indonesians practice saving their bikes and other worldly goods on these higher than tsunami wave poles.

Shake Hands with the Mighty Gonga

Brender

1. Knowing M'Chel's visual acuity was based on movement, Silvio tried to remain absolutely still.

2. Silvio was completely confused. What the hell did "Go-Go Gadget Honkey-Slapper" mean?

3. Now, Silvio sees who keeps the pimp hand strong in the Obama family.

4. "I'd slap you my, uh, self," the metrosexual president sniffed. "But I just had a, um, manicure."

5. "Go, um, ahead. Pull *all* the fingers. It'll blow your dago-wop mind."

Best of jj
Zero's thought bubble, "He thinks that Paulie Walnuts will get him out of this?"

Best of blue
Prez Obama, host of the new dating game, introduces the winners. After 1st looks, Silvio reaches for her boobs while M'chel reaches for what she wants.

Best of dadoctah
"Then it's settled. I'll be Diana Ross in our remake of the 'The Wiz', Barry will be Nipsey, and you can be the mayor of Munchkin City."

Best of Matt the K
"Aaaaaayyy, where you getta da drapes??? My mistre-- eh...wife gonna love dem inna parlor.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Barack, what were dinking? You brought dis to a wife-swapping party? You're gonna have to throw in some cash, paisan!"

Best of CosmicConservative
As Michelle desperately tried to smooth over the faux pas, Baracko the First contemplated executing his protocol officer for putting him in the same suit as the freshly buzz-cut William Shatner.

Best of GregMan
"My God, her ass, she's-a this big!"

Saturday, September 26, 2009

The Angriest Maverick



1."The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law, and then wants us to sing God Bless America? No, no, no! Not God bless America. God damn America!"*

2. "Someone left the cake out in the rain! And I'll never have that recipe again!" As Billy continued to belt out an angry version of "MacArthur Park," the team began to suspect that last hit had been worse than it appeared.

3. "Knock it off, Billy. We've all seen your M'Chel Obama impression."

4. "You lie!"

5. "How are the steroids working! I'll TELL you how the *&%@$! STEROIDS are WORKING!"

Wicked Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
The passion was there, but somehow "THIS...IS...NORTH-WAUKEEGAN-MIDDLE-SCHOOL!" just didn't have the same fire.

Best of prince of leaves
"Look at those cheerleaders!" Perry shouted. "White boots after Labor Day?!? MADNESS!!!"

Best of blue
I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!!!!
BURN!!!!!

Best of Matt the K
AVENGE ME!!!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I said, shake those pom-poms, bitch!"

Best of dadoctah
Hank Hill's proudest moment was the day Bobby's testicles suddenly dropped.

Best of dub
I DO NOT STUFF MY CUP!!!! SHE LIES!!!

Best of Matt the K
As if his freakishly long giraffe legs didn't attract enough attention, Todd just had to yell something dumb.

Best of Rodney Dill
After being beat by a Jason Hanson field goal in overtime with the Detroit Lions, Billy could no longer contain his anger.

Best of Unscrupulous
A young Ryan Leaf communicates his prediction that he is going to be in the fu*&#ing NFL one day.



* One of my favorite caps of 2008

Have at it!



1. "Now, if we can only find a way to light our farts, we can shift the Earth's orbital position and end global warming!"

2. Where are the soccer hooligans in size 14 steel-toed sh!tkickers when you need them?

3. "Has anyone found M'Chel's contact lens yet?"

4. "I am reasonably sure there are no truffles around here." (And then Aisha's head exploded.)

5. "He may be just a filthy, paedohile moongod... but he's *our* filthy paedohile moongod!"


Best of jj
Barney Frank nearly has a stroke as he is driven to his office in the capitol.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Shhhh....be vewwy vewwy qwiet....I'm hunting chwistians...

Best of dadoctah
"Ha, got *all* of you! I didn't say 'Achmed says'!"

Best of Jay Guevara
Tripod guy: "Wouldn't it be easier to use a lawn mower?"

Best of prince of leaves
Giving Congress ideas for how the public should treat them. Great going, guys.

Best of Matt the K
Man, were these dudes pissed off when they found out The Obamessiah wasn't even in the building!

Best of Van Helsing
Sully couldn't explain what this photo was doing under his pillow.

Best of steve o
Once a day: Global mooning.

Best of Rodney Dill
"...and now a rendition of 'Obama Loves The Little Children' by the United States Flatulence Orchestra... in the key b-flat."

Friday, September 25, 2009

When Courtney Met Hugo


1. Hugo Chavez was delighted to meet the reanimated corpse of Heath Ledger... then he found out it was Courtney Love and ran away screaming.

2. Who's the Bigger Pig?...Toughest. Round. Evah!

3. "I smell sulphur... Breath mint?"

4. "Yeah, I got a kid. But I've found a good Quaalude and Xanax enema keeps her down for the night."

5. "No, I'm more hideous!"

Best of GregMan
Guy with glasses: "Senor Chavez, please meet a drug-addled American moron who loves murderous communist dictators."
Hugo: "This woman? I thought you meant President Obama."

Best of dadoctah
How the heck did Curtis Armstrong get invited to this?

Best of HLam
"Ms. Love, you've got a little eye bugger right here."

Best of Jay Guevara
No wonder the guy with glasses is putting his eye out. Sensible move.

Best of Adriane
In their desire for famous actors for The Barack and Michelle Story, the Obamas were willing to overlook some minor details ...

Best of Rodney Dill
Blonde: "Tell your friend to stick-it... I know how to speak Gorilla."

Best of dadoctah
Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith have really let themselves go.

Best of Matt the K
The translator thought it best to let Hugo think he was talking with "El famous American-consumerism-bashing artist Andy Warhol".

Best of mega
"Your country is so beautiful, Mr. President. I always wanted to go to Argentina." Chavez suddenly realized that this was a really tedious way to go about finally getting the coveted signed Hole CD.

Confident! Confident! Dry and Secure!

Hat Tip: Moonbattery


1. "Hey! Bill Ayers! What up, Holmes!"

2. "Who invited the nerd?"

3. "By the way, Tom, I think your goggles are fabulous!"

4. ♪"I will survive/as long as i know how to love/I know I will stay alive/ and I'll survive/ I will survive/ Hey! Hey!" ♪

5. "Lay off, Mike. It just so happens that all my black things are at the laundry this week."

Best of GregMan
"Damn you, ennui!"

Best of Submariner
Fried pork-chop sandwhich over here, please.

Best of dadoctah
Would someone please bring Mr Cruise a sofa to jump up on?

Best of Passionate Conservative
Oh No! Sand People!

Best of Matt the K
The other fans at the grand premiere of "Capitalism: A Love Story" could tell right away that Brian had never actually smelled Michael Moore's B.O. before.

Best of Jay Guevara
ORA: "Less filling!"

Best of mega
"Go STEELERS!!!!! Wait, who are all these people?"

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Who Likes Cheerleaders?

From Fred Miranda
(There's, like, ten more cheerleading pics at the link)




Best of Army of Dad
...and the answer my friend is blowing in the wind.

Best of Army of Dad
Washington cheerleaders show the proper position for US taxpayers over the next four years.

Best of SamEyeAm
No matter how many times it shows up, I never get tired of seeing that squirrel peeking out.

Best of dadoctah
"Gimme a queef!"

Best of molson
How nature says open for business.

Best of dadoctah
Word to the wise: *never* tell Michael Vick you like it doggie style.

Smurf This!

The Chive on a tip from Army of Mom



Best of blue
"If I had a bigger rack, I'd be getting more comments"

Best of Van Helsing
She's rethinking this shirt now, in light of the guy with his fist in the air two posts above.

Best of dadoctah
...or the Bill Gates pic from about a week earlier.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

A hot lesbian love scene between Sarah Jessica Parker and Angelina Jolie.


1. "Hillary... um... some of the other State Department employees aren't comfortable with your 'Kink-A-Day' desk calendar..."

2. Once you go black, you can never go back. Of course, there are ways to simulate the experience.

3. Little Known Sexual Slang: The "Reverse Roy Rogers." That's when Trigger stuffs you.

4. "Angelina, do you think you can come up with a way to distract the rangers while... OK, never mind."

5. And now you know why Army of Mom is banned from the petting zoo...

Best of Rodney Dill
Cigarette Boat -- PBBBBBBBBBBBBT

Best of dadoctah
And in an instant, all the controversy about Daniel Radcliffe appearing in Equus was forgotten.

Best of dadoctah
Among his own kind, Champion is known as "the boob-whisperer".

Best of Passionate Conservative
...cause a slobber necklace just ain't the same....

Best of 5X88
I sait I wanted to see her TROT!

Best of metalgarth
Being the official mascot of the Indianapolis Colts had some interesting fringe benefits

Best of Adriane
Dear Horse and Rider Magazine: I never thought this would happen to me ...

Thank you for choosing McSullivan's, May I take your order?

Divine Miss M


Best of metalgarth
I always wondered why Quarter Pounders tasted like ass

Best of racerboy
"I'm so hungry I could eat the ass out of a... Hey, whaddya know!"

Best of McDonalds Representative
"Well, it's really just the skin 'around' the anus. In the middle of which is a hole. We fill that hole with a pickle.

Best of Matt the K
Anus Burgers??--That's gross. Now 'Sphincter Meat', that has a good ring to it.

Best of SamEyeAm
Psh...the old ones were better.

Best of mega
The government take-over of McDonalds went even more smoothly than GM or AIG.

Best of Rodney Dill
"It'll leave rings around UR's"

Best of Army of Dad
Well they say everything tastes better with bacon...

What Not to Wear

Weasel Zippers on a tip from High Plains Blogger


1. "Barney Frank's gonna be livid if he's wearing the same dress."

2. Just by coincidence, Army of Mom has that outfit, but she also has enough damned sense in her head not to wear it to a Medal of Honor ceremony.

3. Black and white and red all over, but enough about President Jughead. How about that hideous dress.

4. "Why are you wearing gold nooses around your necks. Racist! Racist! Racist!"

5. "No dear, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wearing a kicky sun-dress with a 'Bloody Rorschach Mask' pattern to a Medal of Honor ceremony.

Best of divine miss m
The designer was later charged with theft from Leroy Neiman's studio.

Best of Army of Dad
M'chel knew she couldn't get the stains out of her white dress in time, but she was never one to turn down a battle.

Best of molson
By the looks of that dress, I'd say there are a few less baby seals in the world.

Best of mpur
Having run out of couches, M'Chel has moved on to the drapes.

Best of duke of red
Tina Fey can see Michelle's ass from her house.
I know, it doesn't fit the picture, but I wanted to use that line SOOO bad.

Best of Jay Guevara
Michelle featured a little number from the "Stevie Wonder" collection.

Best of Kaptain Krude
WORST. SOFA COVER. EVER.

Best of 5X88
Excuse me Ms.Obama?
ESPN called, they want thier X Games Banner back.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Eddie Van Halen stared in disbelief. "Either I've found my new guitar design, or I'm having a flashback of some kind!"

Best of prince of leaves
Um, Shelly? I don't think that combo is what people mean when they say we should have a "colorblind society".

Bad Engagement Photo


1. Should I tell her this is effluent from the hog farm? Na-a-a-a-a-a-a-h.

2.Yet another scene whose value could only be enhanced by giant voracious mutant piranha.

3. An ad like this just makes you want to get genital herpes.

4. "So, er, ah, Mary Jo, do you, er, ah, need ah ride home?"

5. "Mind if I eat the bugs out of your hair?"


Best of GregMan
In sunken R'lyeh dead Cthulhu lies kanoodling.

Best of Matt the K
Her family's home ablaze in the distance, Leon pauses to reflect with the unconscious teen he just abducted.

Best of mega
It suddenly occured to Tim that Tina's narcolepsy might have been more about sex-avoidance than a true medical condition.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Where will you be when your roofies start working?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Post Too Embarrassed to have a Title


1. The argument over who would be Prom Queen at Barney Frank High School soon degenerated into an eye-scratching cat fight.

2. "And let us toast to the accord between Lycans and Vanpires with... ma, please, put the camera away, you're embarrassing me."

3. "Jasper, if we can't even get action at a cougar convention, we might as well give up and become basement-dwelling liberal bloggers."

4. "Um, we were told there would be 'tea-bagging' at this protest. When does that start, exactly?"

5. Estimated survival time on an East St. Louis schoolbus: 8 seconds. Combined.

Best of Army of Dad
The Vampire LetsNot.

Best of metalgarth
Bart & Milhouse's fame never really helped them in the high school social scene

Best of Silhouette
That's not how you spell intestines.

Best of Matt the K
Those are the best Lestat and Jon Lovitz costumes ever.

Best of dadoctah
Ed Begley Jr and Janet Napolitano have really let themselves go.

Best of GregMan
That vampire better make sure he takes his Lipitor if he's gonna drink the blood of Chunky there.

Best of thedoyle
The Lestat costume from Interview isn't bad, but the Pearl Costume from Blade is spot on, he even got the rolls of fat exactly right.

Best of mega
At the 2009 LGF Convention, the remaining two registered posters immediately hit it off, went to the lobby to find some chicks, and then downdinged each other. Both were then banned.

Her Whore Mouth Is SHUT!



1. Number 1 on the list of 'Fashion Accessories that Should Be Mandatory on The View.'

2. State Department interns cursed the day Hillary saw the movie Pulp Fiction.

3. If only someone had strapped one of these to Gwen Stefani's cakehole about 20 years ago, the world would be a better place.

4. Folsom Street Theater presents William Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew.

5. Cyclops girlfriend... Halitosis Girl... also required a device to keep her power under control.


Best of GregMan
Madonna's newest concert outfit vastly improved her singing.

Best of Van Helsing
Eat strawberries hands free! Order by midnight tonight!

Best of ....
Reminds me of the LGF comment section these days.

Best of Matt the K
A picture of Grandma, circa 1932, from The Gimp Family photo album.

Best of Mr. Hankey
The Award Shows present Kanye West with new dress code requirements.

Best of hntr766
Standard Cap # 37 - Mom?!?

Best of dadoctah
Insiders have leaked this photo showing the new gadget that Billy Mays was working on at the time of his sudden demise.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Well, FIddle Dee Dee



1. "George Stephanapoulus used the white man's dictionary against my husband? Get my pruning sheers!"

2. "My 'chalk faced whore' sense is tingling! Somewhere, there's a white girl in need of a smackdown."

3. "Barry, this spot needs some fertilizer. Why don't you come over and explain how a personal mandate isn't a tax increase."

4. "That idiot. He planted commercial grade hemp, not Maui Wowie."

5. Missing the food of her homeworld, M'Chel harvests live gagh from the White House garden.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Some folks can play Minnie Mouse just by putting on the gloves.

Best of Matt the K
What's that? Yes. Yes, Hamburger Helper...I will kill for you...

Best of Silhouette
"Coming up next after the Joyful Chef, The Bitter Gardener."

Best of Army of Dad
"I don't know nothing about pruning no roses!"

Picky Picky


1. "I need a Nose Mining Czar. That's what I need. Note to self..."

2. "Let me see if I can dig out another justification for ObamaCare."

3. Axelrod fumed. "Dammit, Hussein. For the last time. Farrakhan lied. There's no 'white man's tracking chip' implanted in your nostril!"

4. B.O. responds to the question, "How can the country afford a new health care entitlement when we're already facing ten trillion in deficits?" by hocking a loogie onto Major Garrett.

5. "Ow! my nose! Dammit! When will I remember that thing's a window not a door!"

Best of Submariner
We coulda feasted in Kenya for a WEEK on this one!

Best of metalgarth
Great... our Commander in Chief can amuse himself for hours by playing 'I got your nose' with himself. Just what we needed to show the Ruskies

Best of Van Helsing
The One astounded his media admirers by extracting a five-pounder from his nose. But before he could eat it, his head caved in.

Best of Rodney Dill
That nose shovel ready?

Best of Army of Dad
After his unexpected bloody nose had finally stopped Obama picked some cotton.
ATDHE

Best of molson
I can't wait to flick this one on Joe. He loves when I do that.

Best of GregMan
Just off screen: the White House Press Corp jostling each other for position for when the Holy One flicks his booger on the ground.

Best of Mr. Hankey
The keyhole video of Obama wasn't quite as interesting as Erin Andrews', but it still got Keith Olbermann off.

Best of SamEyeAm
"...and after you remove the bug, get your ass to Mars!"

Best of mega
Having received payment in full from Glen Beck, the triffid carefully planned its strike, inching ever closer to Obama's arm.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Glee


1. "No, we're not all 'on the fence' about our sexuality. Rick and Mike have their minds made up."

2. Mesmerized by the Obamessiah's peerless Teleprompter reading, the boys failed to notice Cleveland getting nuked in the background.

3. "You win this time, popular kids. But your Rottweilers and machine gun nests won't keep us out of your parties forever."

4. Meanwhile back in flyover country, fans line up early for "Mamma Mia" tour tickets.

5. "I know! Let's find some straight guys and give them the eye!"

Best of ????
"Hey, those 'Soldier of Islam' guys are headed straight for us. We can kick their butts, no problem!"

Best of dadoctah
Attention, Twilight fans: real-life vampires aren't really all that cool.

Best of Rodney Dill
The Livonia Tony Romo fan club.

Best of Submariner
Man; John Edwards is GOOD!

Best of Mr. Hankey
Patrol jobs on the Vermont border fence are getting busier.

Best of Army of Dad
...and I would have gotten away with it if you damn fairy kids hadn't gotten involved!

Best of molson
At the New Lifestyle School, the student council voted overwhelmingly yes in favor of frequent light disciplinary spankings.

Best of Matt the K
Even at a high school exclusively for gay kids, these guys STILL got beat up for lunch money.

Best of metalgarth
Caption This! Cliche #345: Ang Lee's presents "The Breakfast Club"

I didn't think Klingons ate vegetables


1. "P'Tagh! This Gagh is barely alive. I should rip out your intestines and feed them to you for this insolence!"

2. While Sasha and Malia distracted the security guard, M'Chel slipped a few packs of smokes into her purse and then Dawn's head exploded.

3. Everywhere Michelle went, she was stalked by the blurry ghost of Amelia Earhart.

4. "Bang! Got Mrs. Jindal right in the head with that tomater. That dot on her forehead makes an excellent target."

5. "Nice Farmer's Market. Be a damned shame if anything happened to it. A damned shame. So, can Rahm Emanuel count on a large 'donation' this year?"

Best of blue
thanks for the lei, I don't get any at home, if you know what i mean......

Best of Matt the K
Does this ass make my basket look small?

Best of dadoctah
Blah blah blah watermelon blah blah Dawn's head blah blah blah.

Best of Silhouette
Sure we took 36 vehicles one block from the White House for this, but look, reusable basket!

Best of dub
As Michelle looked for more bacon flavored veggies, Carla laughs that no one else has noticed the cock-and-balls design of her vegan shirt.

Best of Van Helsing
"What, no kittens? But I'm hungry for kittens!"

Friday, September 18, 2009

Another Quick Peek at the AoS Lifestyle


1. One member of the VMA audience had no memory of Kanye West's asinine outburst.

2. "Miss Fantasia, this is an ACORN office, not a bank. You don't have to show us the collateral for this business you want to set up. Just sign up to vote, OK?"

3. It's okay to call hooters "knockers" and sometimes "snack trays."

4. Congratulations! You've just failed your gay test.

5. "Real? Spectacular? Who cares when you're this baked!"

Best of 5X88
Hi, I'm charles Johnson, wanna see my bike?

Best of Matt the K
In his right hand Sterling pressed the button on his Remote Goosing Device. Yep, works perfectly.

On the South Lawn with Jar Jar and Chewbacca


1. (M'Chel) "Trust me, honey, in real life, it's more of light pen-knife. Mmmm-Hmmm, you wonder where the half-white part of him ended up? That's where."

2. The chubby little black kid is still recovering from the concussion received when Chairman Zero began bonking him on the head screaming, "And then I cut off Glenn Beck's head! And then Rush Limbaugh! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!...."

3. B.O. "Why is this handle vibrating?" M'Chel: "Put that back in my night-stand!"

4. Standard Cap #22: "'Scuse me while I whip this out!"

5. "If you, uh, strike me down. Um, you're a racist."

Wicked Best of Matt the K
In another blatant display of wasteful spending and meglomania, Chairman O directs Air Force One to taxi up to the White House.

Best of Mr. Hankey
I will come with you to Kenya. There's nothing for me here now. I want to learn the ways of the tribe and become a Muslim like my father.

Best of GregMan
M'chelle smiles, knowing Chairman Zero's light saber is no match for her bat'leth.

Best of Adriane
Senator Palpatine's scariest pupil: Darth Socialist !!!

Best of metalgarth
Obi Wan was mistaken. You can find a more "wretched hive of scum and villany" than Mos Eisley spaceport

Best of Viking04
This is how my hero, Saladin, swung it.

Best of molson
Worship me or the white kid gets it... Uh... Where is the white kid anyway? Rahm! The sacrificial white kid ran away again. Get him back or you're next!

Best of Passionate Conservative
I have it on good authority that the wookiee should win.

Best of dadoctah
I've got a bad feeling about this.

Best of Submariner
The Predator looked with glee at the "Kenyan Alien" they had sent to contest it. It indeed looked like a new personal best time for a skull to be collected...

Best of blue
Michele: "Does the White House make my butt look big?"

Best of SamEyeAm
Secrets were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said...

Best of mpur
Samuel L. Jackson called. He wants his token black Jedi label back.

Best of Dactyl
The farce is strong with this one.

Best of Mr. Right
Obami "The One" Kenewby was widely regarded as the worst Jedi Apprentice in the history of the Republic.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Too Soon?

HT: Racerboy


Best of Kaptain Krude
"And one more thing, V the Kowaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.." The Anonymous troll's last words were lost in the sound of screeching tires and the lusty cheers of the watching Cap This! onlookers.

Best of Whacko
Just one of the ways you may choose to end your worthless life under Obamacare. But only if your clunker has a combined mileage rating of over 26 mpg.

Best of Army of Dad
"MAVRICK!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Obama announces new budget savings - Combining "Cash For Clunkers" with "Funerals for Felons"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Taylor Swift's cousins get hold of Kanye.

Best of Viking04
Never again would CAG demand to take 'whatever is on the +5 cat'...

Best of divine miss m
So, like, Subby's going to catch us, right?!

Butterface Nerd Girl

Nerd Girl

I CAN HAS ACORN?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

High Plains MidRiffter

Brender
1. ORA: Jackie Chan knew his best shot for being elected President of the Galaxy was if people thought they were voting for "Worst Dressed Sentient Being."

2. ♪ "I'm... too sexy for everything but my sleeves, everything but my sleeves..." ♪

3. "Gesundheit."

4. Ang Lee remakes High Noon. The remake is actually faithful and not teh ghey at all, this is just Ang Lee strolling around the set.

5. How Nature Says, "Do Not Use the Adjacent Restroom Stall."

Best of Jack Reacher
Ling walks to his Maserati, relieved that after eight years of drought, NEA funds are again flowing to performance artists.

Best of John.....just John
It's the source of the shadow in front of Ling's shadow that gives me teh creeps.

Best of Army of Dad
Unleash your Inner Mongolian.

Best of Unscrupulous
Worst. Mongolian. Beef. EVER!

Best of dadoctah
"Welcome to the Lazy Bar Takei dude ranch!"

Best of metalgarth
"Captain San Fransico" WORST.COMIC.BOOK.EVER

Best of Passionate Conservative
Leaving the Blue Oyster, George Takei felt invigorated, yet somehow, full...

Best of Matt the K
His female fans mad with passion, Mongolian Elvis's concerts always ended with a shredding of his sequined yak-skin jumpsuit.

Best of Double the U
Every community needed its organizer, and this small community had its organizer.

Best of SamEyeAm
"Damn, even my shadow is getting more action than me!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
The sequel, "Ching Chong - Beyong Thunderdome" wasn't quite the success that WB wanted.

Best of Submariner
ORA: Where Walter Brennan? I ready for him!

Billy Zoom Zoom

Brender

1. Bill Gates demonstrates the new Microsoft corporate salute.

2. ♪ "Here I come to save the day-y-y-y-y-y!" ♪

3. "And then, with Vista, we finally achieved a level of bloatware I couldn't reach standing on a step-ladder."

4. "... and this represents the Bush deficit. To describe the Obama deficits, I'd need one of those mechanical arm things from the movie Dave."

5. The slogan was going to be 'Get Pimped,' but then ACORN withdrew at the last moment.

Best of dadoctah
"Howzabout givin' it up for my homeboys, Anthony Edwards and Bobby Carradine!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"The average Washington resident of my age has eaten approximately this much oat bran in his life."

Best of molson
Yeah the bodies of dead coders were stacked this high, but we got Winders 7 out on time and on budget.

Best of GregMan
"And this is how much bigger my pile of money is now that I fired all the American programmers and outsourced everything to India!"

Best of Jay Guevara
"On MSNBC they pile up the bullshit this high."

Best of Army of Dad
If you killed all the Mac users and made a wall around Seattle it would only be this high.

Best of Mr. Hankey
...and then you stick your arm out the window and surf it up and down with the breeze.

Best of Rodney Dill
that Mac guy in the ads? Oh... 'bout yay tall

Best of Passionate Conservative
Bill Gates shows off his underarm dandruff

Best of Matt the K
Well the first guy that beat me up in Junior High was this tall, but I've since had him killed...Next question?

Best of Submariner
...and my arm indicates the trend line for exploitable back-door holes found in Microsoft products over the past 20 or so years.

Best of Oiao
"Well, it, um, stands at about this angle every morning. Milinda, have I got that straight?"

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Ebony and Hilbilly


1. Good luck finding Gallant.

2. "Hi! Remember when you thought I was the worst thing that ever happened to America? I look pretty damm good now, don't I?"

3. "Fat chick party in the back of the limo! Who's in?"

4. "We're gonna head over to ACORN and pick up some... 'performance artists'"

5. Since the stroke, Billy is reduced to one, sad jazz hand.

Best of Army of Dad
Bill gets ready to show BO that his pimp hand is still strong.

Best of mpur
Off to judge the Miss Cankle USA contest.

Best of jj
Secret Service agent holding door thought bubble, "Who did I piss off?"

Best of HLam
Obama thought bubble: "Ugh, I'm going to have to clean the upholstery again..."

Best of Whacko
"Uh, Bill, you've got something on your pants. It looks like --- Oh. Never mind."

Best of prince of leaves
Distracted by the motion of Bill's waving hand, Obama turns and walks into a window yet again.

Best of Unscrupulous
To this day, Bill's hand still smells like Fran Drescher's ass.

Best of SamEyeAm
"Bill put your hand down. You can't really order a five-dollar foot-long that way."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Clinton 1 shows the crowd the life clock crystal embedded in his palm as he prepares to be renewed at Carousel. Logan 5 looks on.

Best of Matt the K
When it comes to the Electric Slide, Bill is always a beat off.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Whitewash


1. "OK, now put the paint roller against the wall and roll it. The paint roller, not the wall. Good Lord, you really aren't qualified to do anything but read a teleprompter, are you?"

2. "Yeah, Barry, we know you can get 'wicked high' off the fumes. Nobody in the press Twitter that!"

3. "Hurry up and get this house done. ACORN has a 'performance artist' and thirteen kids from El Salvador set to move in next week."

4. M'Chel was notorious for taking a dump anytime, anywhere.

5. "We're going to have to take Mr. Biden to the hospital. He drank half a can of Behr Medium White because he thought it was cookie batter."

Wicked Best of Matt the K
"Where the white trimmin' at?"

Best of Army of Dad
Barry is looking for the teleprompter and M'chel is checking out that chick's ass. Just your average day in the Obama family.

Best of Army of Dad
Time to apply the birth certificate wallpaper.

Best of GregMan
"I'm supposed to stick this paint roller WHERE, Congressman Wilson?"

Best of SamEyeAm
No, that's not what I said. I said I could use some caulk!

Best of Unscrupulous
After whitewashing another "tagged" project house, Obama starts to feel "El Barto" is getting the better of him.

Best of molson
How do you paint with one of these again? I've only ever used rattle cans.

Best of Van Helsing
"This is too messy. Can't I just hang some curtains?"

Best of HLam
Afterwards, M'chel ripped the head off the white bitch for dripping paint on her $700 sneakers.

Best of Jay Guevara
Guy: "Uh, Barry, you're not gonna find instructions on that. It's a microwave, not a teleprompter."

Best of Submariner
Muh'chel's thought bubble; "Why couldn't they have used a color OTHER than Chaulk Faced Whore?"

Kanye West --- Human Turd

You guys just wanna have at it?



Best of GregMan
Taylor Swift thought bubble: "Maybe if I stay very still it won't eat me."

Best of metalgarth
(human beat box sounds)(sound of statue smashing over a cranium)(sound of Dawn's head exploding)

Best of metalgarth
WORST.AWARDS.SHOW.EVER.UNTIL.THE.NEXT ONE

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Yes, I like putting fish sticks in my mouth! What's wrong with that?..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Looks like Obama's found his Entertainment Czar.

Best of molson
Now you in the audience may think I'm a complete asshole. Well let me remove any doubt.

Best of Silhouette
"And I want to invite everyone out to my farm this year where our harvest festival will highlight our corn maze. As illustrated in my hair."

Best of Submariner
Hey good lookin, I'll be back to pick you up later!

Best of mega
The whole event was a fraud and a distraction to prevent us noticing there's a 35 year old man who still wears black wet-look short-sleeve shirts with the sleeves pulled over his biceps.

Best of SamEyeAm
"And don't forget to watch me tomorrow night on The Jay Leno Show where I'll stage yet another fiasco."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"This is where the white women be at!"
...and far off in the background, a faint pop was the only cue as to what happened to Dawn's head.

Bong Hits 4 Che

Brender
1. "ObamaCare still doesn't make sense to you? Let me get you another bowl."

2. Everyone on Fire Island agreed, Andrew Sullivan's Castro outfit was just simply fabulous.

3. Meanwhile, back at Jerry Brown's campaign headquarters...

4. "Al Gore's kid had a yard sale. I got the bong, a Chinese Army uniform, and his dad's army rifle. Only dropped twice."

5. When it came time to recast Harold and Kumar, what were the producers thinking when they went with Sean Penn and Jackie Chan?

Best of Matt the K
Being a Laotian unfamiliar with Mandarin, Lt. Prathrong realized too late the inscription read: "Bong-style firework cannon".

Best of Jack Reacher
The early attempts lacked elegance, but Chinese knock-offs soon rivaled the sophistication of the original Mr. Microphone.

Best of dadoctah
"I forget; did we get a Christmas card last year from Tommy Chong?"

Best of molson
Hey Eisenhower, save some for the rest of us will ya.

Best of Subby
Suicide with a mortar is tougher than you'd think

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"RIIIIIIIIIICOLAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

Best of Army of Mom
An armed teacher's aide compelled the Cambodian women pay attention at the blow job lessons.

Best of Army of Dad
Why did I join? To meet new and interesting people and smoke a bowl with them.

Religion of Peace

Brender

1. Sasha and Malia, your prom dates are here.

2. ACORN employees closely monitor Tea Party events for signs of dangerous radicalism.

3. "I'm bored. Has anybody's sister's talked to an infidel lately?"

4. "The headscarves and hoods are okay, but, guys, do you ever feel like wearing something soft and frilly?"

5. "Hey, any of you guys interested in being my, um, Green Jobs Czar?"

Best of jj
Chairman zero's end of life panel meets for the first time.

Best of Matt the K
This week, on a very special "Behind the Music", Mushmouth and Dumb Donald leave the Junkyard Band behind and join the struggle.

Best of Donna V?
In gratitude for services rendered, Van Jones sent Charles Johnson a security detail to protect the Blogger from hordes of hysterical Bircher creationists.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Okay, we have an appointment with ACORN at 3:00. They said they'll help us with the paperwork for our flight lessons."

Best of Jay Guevara
"We gotta wait _again_? Dayum I wish Barack would start Cabinet meetings on time."

Best of Viking04
YOU TWO! Pizza Hut wants their tablecloths back!

Best of GregMan
In the Sharia Films remake of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, the seven brothers wait outside a Cairo daycare to meet their seven wives.

Best of SamEyeAm
Five-six-seven-eight
Schemiel, schlemazel
Hasenfeffer incorporated!

Best of Submariner
When did Kanye West put together a "Boy Band?"

Best of dadoctah
The other four Osmond brothers have really let themselves go.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

More Foxy Football

Fred Miranda

1. "Twilight sucks, bitch." Foxy Football trash talk is a little different.

2. State Department interns vie for Hillary's favor in gladiatorial match-ups.

3. "My ass rates way better than a 2, you skank."

Best of Viking04
Quit giving my woman the eye!

Best of Rodney Dill
You rarely see two tightends fight it out.

Best of SamEyeAm
Stop making captions about squirrels, bitch!

Best of Army of Mom
Take it back! Take it back! Army of Mom was soooo wearing this outfit before you!

Best of Army of Mom
Kate Gosselin takes down the hussy who broke up her marriage.

Best of Army of Mom
I tackled a girl and I liked it. The taste of her cherry stick'um.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Foxy Football

Fred Miranda

1. I take it all back. I love Title IX.

2. Does *not* need a squirrel.

3. "And at the end of the first quarter, the Lions are down 47 to 3 against the waitresses from the Livonia Hooters."

4. In 2011, a desperate Brett Favre traveled to Sweden, then returned to play in the Powder Puff league.

5. Sesame Streetwas never the same after the Brazilian director took over.

Best of mega
Sadly, the lab had not yet perfected a human-looking forarm or elbow, thus exposing the entire project as a fraud.

Best of Viking04
The game ended 2 weeks later when the refs wore out their flags from the constant 'illegal motion in backfield' calls.

Best of Submariner
Sheesh! If that's what second place looks like, I can't wait to see the winner's tush.

Best of Matt the K
Sully decided he needed to get his hearing checked when he got to the arena, for this was neither 'Fag Football' nor 'Powder Poofs'.

Best of Gregory of Prescott
Brings a whole new meaning to the term "cock block".

Best of dadoctah
Show of hands: who wants to stick around to watch the MVP get hit with the Gatorade?

Best of Passionate Conservative
On the front, it has a 1.

Best of blue
does the number make my but look big?

Best of Army of Dad
I'll take door number two.

Best of molson
Ok this is my favorite part... uh... you know where Tom Hanks says... uh... "There ain't no camel toe in football."

Best of dub
Yes, we know where your #2 comes from....but I'll take the chance anyway.

Friday, September 11, 2009

This is indeed a disturbing universe


1. "No, Billy, I don't feel desensitived to violence. Why do you ask?"

2. "I told you Congressman Frank would have a heart attack if you flashed a little thigh."

3. "Yeah, I do feel a little bad about clocking Mrs. Jenkins, but like Tony Soprano said, 'You can't put sh-t back in the donkey.'"

4. "I'd say Tony Hawk has grinded his last rail."

5. "In retrospect, his mistake was telling Mrs. Suthpin her son was a loser."\

Best of Whacko
"Let's make this an easy case. I like the kid in the red shirt as the shooter. Donuts anyone?"

Best of Matt the K
"Wow Billy, look at that! The grass really IS greener on the other side of the fence!"

Best of jj
A young Martin Riggs learns a lesson in human behavior, "Timmy, I really didn't think that he would jump"

Best of Silhouette
Take Your Kid To Work Day can be challenging for certain careers.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?

Best of dadoctah
"I wonder how long it'll take them to find his head in the sandbox."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Guy killed me, Mal... Killed me with a slingshot. How weird is that?"

Best of prince of leaves
"Nah, it's just Charles Johnson's last shred of credibility, Billy. Nothing to see."

Best of mega
This fall on Law And Order, Double Everything: Ominous pedophile scenes juxtaposed with grizzly murders, all at once. Won't you please stay with us for just one more year while we squeeze the lemon?

Best of Submariner
Wierd, Sarge; but the murder weapon appears to be this little silver hammer...

Best of Submariner
Note to self: the teeter-totter is ok, but when the white horse throws you, you die.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Let's play Hide'N'Go Kill again."

Yeah, sucking face, she's doing it wrong...

Justin Thyme

1. The alternative to the Heimlich maneuver... for bulimics who are protective of their personal spaces.

2. Under ObamaCare, those who can't afford Botox are left to seek alternative treatments.

3. The aptitude test for the school janitor's union had unsurprisingly low standards.

4. Perhaps it was cruel to tell Joe Biden's daughter there was cocaine on the inside of the plunger.

5. I see the plumbing department manager at Home Depot still hasn't overcome his anger management problem.

Torchwood Best of thedoyle
Dalek death impression. Ur doin it right.

Best of Double the U
Did anyone mention to her how these things were tested in manufacturing?

Best of Matt the K
In the Johnson household, they go way beyond paying into the swear jar as punishment for potty mouth.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Janice sorta panicked when the dealer told her just how much that cocaine she snorted would cost.

Best of Jack Reacher
Shopping at an ACME outlet recommended by Wile E. Coyote is probably not a good idea.

Best of Submariner
Under ObamaCare, it is not wise to explain to the triage nurse that "I'm just a li'l sh!t-faced..."

Best of dadoctah
Ever have one of those days when you just can't seem to get that contact lens out?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Explaining Rene Zellweger.

Best of prince of leaves
The problem with shooting Nerf darts in an office of engineers is the inevitable arms race that results.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hmmm... obviously the work of the Scarlet Pumpernickel."

Best of Gregory of Prescott
"I said put the Super Glue on the toilet SEAT!"

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Babe in an Infinite White Void

Army of Mom

How to Get Burning Crotch from Burning Man

Brender

Best of GregMan
The real reason Sarah resigned was that not being Governor of Alaska freed up much more time for looting and pillaging.

Best of Barco Sin Vela II
Don had always seemed a little effeminate, so imagine the look on Mom and Dad's faces when he brought his new girlfriend home.
"Mom, Dad; Meet Becky".

Best of Gregory of Prescott
The first thing you learn at Burning Man is how to spot undercover cops. Beautiful face, hourglass bod, abs of steel, pearly white teeth,and no visible tats or piercings are sure signs this "hippy" is pure police officer.

Best of Adriane
"Lordy, how I love a Mama with horns!" shouted Louie Armstrong ...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Two men enter, one man leaves!" Becky wondered how she got the nickname "Thunderdome".

Best of Viking04
Imagine what the rest of the family looks like, if they have to put sausages around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

Best of Dactyl
The Church of Cthulhu's dwindling congregation meant severe budget cuts in the High Priestess's ceremonial vestments.

Best of divine miss m
Xena's been taking coiffure advice from Rob Zombie lately.

Best of Submariner
Emma! You are NOT going to believe the souvenir I got from Michael Jackson's estate sale!

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Men in Cans, Just Add Water

Brender

1. "Raji, there's a bunch of angry-looking walruses headed this way demanding their 'bukkets.'"

2. The success of India's 'Cow Urine Soda' inevitably inspired spin-offs.

3. The Japanese grew very concerned about losing their title as 'World's Weirdest Country' and immediately began producing more YouTube videos of women in schoolgirls covered in salad dressing.

4. Sully simpered, "This is the worst bath house I've ever been to... and I've been to *all* of them!"

5. No one understood what the point of the 'full immersion toilet' was, but they were very popular.

Best of GregMan
Dell Technical Support spares no expense on employee benefits.

Best of HLam
The Libs new version of Water-boarding, rebranded as Water-Barrelling, provided each inmate with his own Loofah and bar of Irish Spring.

Best of Van Helsing
The contest was about to begin. Aanandswarup prayed to Vishnu that the bubbles he blew might be the largest and most fragrant.

Best of Rodney Dill
"No soap for you!!!"

Best of Passionate Conservative
Thirty minutes ago, they were all fed beans and cabbage. In five minutes, the jacuzzi party begins.

Best of Matt the K
Not having target-triggers took all the fun out of dunking booths at the Mumbai carnival.

Best of molson
With the super massive healthcare spending program collapsing faster than a dying star, ACORN resorted to extreme full immersion Koolaide indoctrination.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Portapotties - UR doing it wrong

Do I Make You Horny, Baby?

Brender

1. We voted for Hope and Change and all we got were these dumb unicorn hats.

2. "Say what you will about Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd, they do one hell of a goat dance!"

3. Tom thought surely this show of sensitivity and openness would get him into Lisa's pants, but two sexless days later she dropped him for a skinhead biker.

4. Shag on the beach, anyone?

5. "Carl, don't be such a tea-bagger. I'm sure these things fight Global Warming and we aren't required to wear them just because Al Gore bought a furry unicorn hat factory."

Best of Matt the K
At first welcomed and revered by the Rainbow Tribe, Moonbeam and Steve were summarily beaten to death when the Peta peeps discovered their ceremonial hides were made of REAL unicorn.

Best of Viking04
Baby, would you eat that there snack cracker in your special outfit for me, please?

Best of Rodney Dill
Ennui over having a college age daugter at Belding, handicapped with a club horn.

Best of Unscrupulous
Typically solitary by nature, Unicorns are occasionally seen together for the purpose of "gaying it up".

Best of molson
New age yiffers.

Best of SamEyeAm
Dweezil and Moonbeam sit and wait, unaware that Dusty Bottoms had already summoned and subsequently shot and killed the invisivble swordsman.

Best of Jay Guevara
Girl: "You know, you look kinda silly wearing blue pants."

Best of Adriane
White unicorn pelts after Labor Day?!? Are you mad?

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Soccer Is Gay, Part CXXX


1. "Just oral, OK? My laxative just kicked in."

2. "Gawd I love Celine Dion!"

3. "I've wanted your milky loads from the moment I saw those Power Glutes."

4. "There's a black man in the White House. Hold me."

5. "I never would have guessed you were a member of the Episcopal clergy."

Best of divine miss m
Ronaldo...you're leading again.

Best of Tim
IF you can think of a better way to exchange long protein strands, I'd like to hear it!!

Best of molson
I'm still waiting to hear you say you love me.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Your mind to my mind... Your thoughts to my thoughts..."

Na na Na na... Hey Hey Hey...


1. "No Taxes for Me," the unofficial slogan of the Obama cabinet.

2. "Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?... SHAFT!... Damn right..."

3. "You'll notice my microphone is much larger than the one Gavin Newsom was just using."

4. "So I asked that white girl at The Gap...'Does this Nehru Shirt come in calf-shit yellow?' And she said, 'I'll have to check in back.'"

5. "All right, folks. Next up on our 9-11 Truthapalooza... Janeane Garofalo and Joy Behar will lead a contingent from 'Breasts Against Bombs' in a reading of the poetry of Jewel. Men wishing to remain heterosexual are advised to leave the venue now."


Best of GregMan
"Your lack of proletarian conciousness disturbs me."

Best of Rodney Dill
I am Van
Van I am
I do not eat green eggs and ham
I do not like them, Van, I am

Best of Silhouette
"Feelings...nothing more than feelings..."

Best of metalgarth
(human beat box sounds)

Best of molson
When I said I was a communist, I forgot to say I was communist who likes puppies.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Glenn Beck's ancestors used to own my ancestors. So you see, nothing's changed."

Best of Matt the K
This week, on a very special Family Matters, a radicalized Urkel sticks it to Whitey.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Last Day at the Beach


1. Guys, only the chicks are supposed to drink the Roophie Coladas. The chicks!

2. "Who is 'Sue Nommi' and why does that jerk lifeguard keep screaming about her when I'm trying to nap."

3. Rich trust-fund liberals at Martha's Vineyard bask in Obama's glow. Later, they all die of cancer.

4. "We only left the kids enough food for three days, and we've already been gone a week... but, c'mon, I need this tan to get through the winter."

5. "Would someone put some deodorant on Bernie. He's really starting to smell."

Best of Adriane
Om. Tsunami come and purify the world of people not like us. Om.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA: "What's Ted Danson doing buried up to his head over there?... Should we say something?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I dunno, Professor... Shouldn't we have built something better with the Minnow than just these loungers?"

Best of Matt the K
For grateful Nebraskans, it was a welcome respite once the West Coast finally fell into the sea.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

You Got Something On Your Head, Princess



1. "You're a professional photographer, right? There's not gonna be a giant doorknob protruding from my head when this is over, right?"

2. "Mr Bronkowitz, should I take off my top now?"

3. Really Bland-Looking, Big-Hipped, High School Girls in Trouble, a Samuel L. Bronkowitz production.

4. If this is the opening shot, do not have high expectations for your women-in-prison movie.

5. "Hey, Becky, I think that Giant Brain Slug has taken a shine to you!"

Best of Van Helsing
It started as just an itchy little bump.

Best of prince of leaves
A pathetically low FX budget meant the producers of the reimagined "V" had to cut corners in depicting the water-harvesting Visitor spacecraft.

Best of mpur
Sorry, honey, but that accessory isn't all that slimming.

Best of dadoctah
"So then the alien space probe says: 'can you get this cheerleader off the end of my florginatz?'"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I'll go out on a limb and say Jane's breeder hips keep her off the front page of SI's bikini-clad beach volleyball issue.

Best of metalgarth
I hate water towers! They drive me f--king crazy. Crap. There's one right behind me, isn't there

Best of curly
The search for a Woman with bigger balls than Hillary Clinton still continues...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Wait everybody!... Becky's got an idea!"

Friday, September 04, 2009

Storm Trooper Ennui

HT: Army of Mom


1. Star Wars: A film by Ingmar Bergman.

2. "Damn, if I had known he was going to be this radical and incompetent, I wouldn't have voted for him either."

3. Emo Trooper Regrets the Day He Was Cloned.

4. "I just had to bring up slaughtering the younglings... Stupid!! STOO-Pid!!"

5. "98... 99... 100... Ready or not, here I come." Games of Hide and Seek on the Death Star could last months.

Best of metalgarth
I can't believe no one ever reads mu blog! (Dedicated to the Ghost of Wellstone)

Best of James McEnanly
I think I hit my head on that hatch just a little too hard

Best of prince of leaves
"Come Lord Vader, be our guest,
and let these gifts to us be blessed, amen."

Best of Van Helsing
"Pink-slipped by Darth Vader. Now I'll have to go to work for Obama's Civilian Security Force."

Best of Adriane
"...Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white blast armor, and walk upon the beach."

Best of Silhouette
"How could they ALL forget my birthday?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ring, damn you, RING!!! I'm not repulsive, I've got a part-time job, it's prom night... so RING!!!!

Best of divine miss m
Once again, I suffer the tragedy of being clever AND alone.

This is not the full-service resort you're Looking For



1. Dick Cheney's security detail let's it all hang loose at Club Gitmo.

2."Well, another hour of this, then it's shuffleboard with the Uighurs."

3. "Han!" "Solo!" "Han" "Solo!"

4. "Hey! Who left a Count Dookie in the pool?"

5. "Check out the pontoons on the pink bikini. There's a couple of womprats I'd like to bullseye!"

Best of metalgarth
Target Practice???? Ehhhhh, who needs that.

Best of Viking04
Being a Stormtrooper wasn't too bad, once they voted the union in. Of course, the rebels won two days later.

Best of Robert
As Dragon Con comes to a close for the afternoon, relaxing at the hotel pool gets a little more awesome.

Best of Silhouette
The REAL reason TK421 was not at his post.

Best of dadoctah
"I've got a really laid-back feeling about this...."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Aaaaaaaaah! This was the hemorrhoid treatment I was looking for. I'll just go about my business." Jedi mind tricks have some lingering side effects.

Best of Rodney Dill
I find your lack of Life Preserver disturbing.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

In Case of a Water Landing, This Thursday babe may be used as a flotation device

Army of Mom


Best of Viking04 .
Goodbooblymoogly!

Best of Adriane .
Dang, I got pair just like that!!! Best sunglasses I've ever had.

Best of prince of leaves .
Fortunately, with gazongas like those, nobody ever noticed that Heidi had been born without a lower jaw.

Best of Jay Guevara .
Definitely a mammal. Very definitely.